2. Revising Essays - Part 2
After you have written your first draft you are now ready to begin revising and proofreading your
essay. Revising is perhaps the most important step in the essay-writing process. Read your first draft
slowly and carefully to yourself, aloud if possible. Imagine you are a reader who has never seen the
paper before. As you read, underline trouble spots and write in the margins. Here are some things to
check when you are revising, peer reviewing, and proofreading.
Directions: Following is an essay that requires revising and proofreading. First, read the entire essay.
Second, identify each of the revisions needed for the bold word or words. Then, identify what type of
revision is needed for each bold item by selecting the underlined space that precedes it and choosing
from the list.
How safe is your plastic water bottle? Before you take another sip, you might want to consider that
recent studies have shown that these water bottles can leach harmful chemicals into the water you
drink.Error! Filename not specified.IS There are steps you can take.
Error! Filename not specified.LINK This plastic was invented in 1891, but it was not used for beverage
containers until the 1940s. When the companies first started making these bottles, they did not know
that this chemical was harmful to humans. Error! Filename not specified.UN Sadly, if they knew, they
are not required inform the government because trade secrets. However, studies now reveal that BPA
acts like estrogen and can interrupt the natural chemical makeup of your body. We now know that
this can affect pregnant women and their unborn children. Moreover, it can cause diseases like Error!
Filename not specified.MIS brest cancer, autism, and obesity.
There are several steps you can take to protect yourself against this harmful chemical.Error! Filename
not specified.TRAN Look at the triangle on the bottom of the bottle. If it has a number "7," then it
contains BPA, so do not use it. If you do happen to use one of these bottles, do not reuse it. Heating,
IS
MIS
VAR
UN
TP
CUT
TRAN
LINK
THESIS
Incomplete sentence
Misspelled word or homonym error
Needs sentence variety
Unclear sentence
Missing topic sentence
Sentence does not belong in
paragraph Missing transition
Paragraphs not linked
Heavy-handed thesis statement
The Perils of Plastic
washing, and squeezing the bottle can release more chemicals. A good alternative is to use glass
containers for your water bottles. Although less Error! Filename not specified.MIS
conveinent because they can break, you will be better off in the long run.
Another way you can protect yourself is to become more aware. Error! Filename not specified.IS By
researching this issue and writing to your government representative. There are several
websites and magazine articles that you can read to stay informed on this topic. In fact, you will find
that BPA is not the only harmful chemical that is leaching into our food. Error! Filename not
specified.VAR There are some in our cosmetics. There are some in our food packages. In
addition, write letters to your representative requesting that we need tighter regulations. You might
add that we should follow the example of the European Union. It requires that chemical companies
show that their products do not harm people or the environment, and we should, too.Error! Filename
not specified.CUT England is part of the European Union, too.
Error! Filename not specified.UN We should all try to stay informed and share this information
with others. We can become a voice demanding that the government take action to protect all of us
and our future.
Reference: Walsh, Bryan. "The Perils of Plastic." Time. 1 Apr. 2010. Accessed 24 July 2010.
Points:
0.8 / 1
Close Explanation
Explanation:
Sentence
There are steps you can take.
Moreover, it can cause diseases
Sadly, if they knew, they are not
required inform the government
because trade secrets.
This plastic was invented in 1891,
but it was not used for beverage
containers until the 1940s.
Reason for Revision
THESIS: "There are steps you can take" is a vague
thesis statement and should be revised to be more
specific and complete.
LINK: There is a gap between the previous paragraph
that states "There are steps you can take" and the next
paragraph, which begins "This plastic was invented in
1891." This is a leap of thought and requires a linking
sentence to link one idea to the next (and to identify
which plastic).
UN: Sometimes sentences are very hard for the reader
to understand and should be revised for clarity: "Sadly
if they knew, they are not required inform the
government because trade secrets" is hard to
understand as it is written.
MIS: This is a misspelled word. The correct spelling
Sentence
like brest cancer, autism, and
obesity.
Look at the triangle marking on
the bottom of the bottle.
Although less conveinent because
they can break, you will be better
off in the long run.
By researching this issue and
writing to your government
representative.
There are many more as
well. There are some in our
cosmetics. There are some in our
food packages.
England is part of the European
Union, too.
We should all try to stay
informed . . .
Reason for Revision
is breast.
TRAN: This is a leap in thought from the sentence
"There are several steps you can take to protect
yourself against this harmful chemical." A transition
would help guide the reader from one idea to another.
MIS: This is a misspelled word. The correct spelling
is convenient.
IS: This is an incomplete thought that requires more
information: "By researching this issue and writing to
your government representative" . . . you can what?
VAR: An essay should use a variety of sentence
structures. In this case, three sentences in a row begin
the same way: "There are," "There are," "There are."
CUT: This sentence does not belong: "England is part
of the European Union, too." It is not directly related
to the topic of plastic water bottles.
TP: A conclusion paragraph that begins "We should all
try to stay informed" does not prepare the reader for
the closing ideas. This paragraph needs a topic
sentence.
