Communication in Relationships 1
Research Paper: Family Issues #1
Communication in Relationships
Natalie Radcliffe
School of Behavioral Science, Liberty University
Communication in Relationships 2
Initial Thoughts
Communication is the key to any successful relationship. A conversation where a talker
and listener can move from confusion to clarity marks a growth in said relationship. Most
disagreements stem from a miscommunication of feelings, beliefs, or intent.
Counseling is mostly about listening. Generally speaking, most people probably feel they
are better listeners than they are. They can walk aware from a conversation feeling as if they
have given space for the talker to have their time to express their thoughts and feelings.
However, most are listening with the intent of defense or reply rather than in intent to
understand the person and their feelings.
Although mentioned upfront is communication regarding disagreements or arguments,
communication is key for every aspect of a relationship. This includes, but is not limited to,
finances, parenting, schedules, etc. Breakdowns in any type of communication can sauce undue
strife and it often happens with no ill intent.
Recently, my husband and I were discussing a part for our air conditioning we needed to
buy. We also needed to return the one we purchased previously. We were both scrolling
Amazon when we happened upon the same part while simultaneously talking about the return
we needed to make. I asked my husband if he wanted me to ‘go ahead and do it’ since I had
other things in my amazon cart. He politely said he would go ahead and take care of it. Fast
forward to two days later when I asked him when the new part was arriving. Perplexed, he
asked how he would know since I ordered it. After a few moments of silence and reflection, we
realized an error in our communication. He thought he was referencing the return when he said
he’d take care of it, and I thought he was referencing the new purchase. We had a good laugh,
Communication in Relationships 3
ordered the part, and impatiently waited an extra two days. In this scenario, neither of us were
in the wrong. We
simply misinterpreted what the other was saying. That is often the case in relationships as well.
Biblically, there are multiple scriptures emphasizing one should be ‘slow to speak and
quick to listen’ and ‘that a healing tongue can be a tree of life while a deceitful one crushes the
spirit’. The words one chooses matter. And not just the words themselves, but our cadence,
posture, tone, and intent all matter when we try to effectively communicate with one another.
The purpose of this paper is to identify various research and theories regarding
communication, compare them to a theological perspective, and to offer ideas for further
research.
Research
Communication and the various methods and theories is a well-researched topic. This
would suggest that is due, at least partially, to being a prevalent problem in relationships. “My
children don’t listen.” “My husband doesn’t care about what I want.” “My boss just doesn’t
understand what I’m trying to say.” All are frustrating situations within various relationships
where the root of the frustration lies in communication, or a lack thereof. The commonality of
all of these, and every communication issue, is that there is a solution, varying as they may be.
Dr. James Dobson
Dr. Dobson discusses the topic of communicating one’s needs in a marriage. He offers
three ingredients to change a conversation from an accusatory standpoint to one of opportunity
to teach. The first ingredient suggests that timing is a key to having a conversation, especially
regarding addressing issues. Eleven o’clock at night may not be the best time to broach the topic
acknowledging feelings. Secondly, the setting is something to consider when considering ideal
Communication in Relationships 4
communication. At the dinner table with noisy children may not be the best option for genuine
communication. Lastly, manner is an ingredient required to effectively communicate. It is
important for the one doing the talking to be able to express their needs, thoughts, and
frustrations without accusing or attacking (Dobson, 2000)1.
A benefit to this method and strategy is that both parties can approach the conversation
on neutral ground. There are no frustrations from being interrupted or it being too loud. This
can help to ensure that one’s thoughts and emotions are on the same page, allowing for more
effective communication. A consequence that could possibly arise, most likely with two people
who have a tendency of defensiveness, could be a possible buildup of the conversation as the
three ingredients are being put into place. Timing and setting require planning rather than
spontaneity. As the time approaches or the setting is placed, there can be a formality and
anticipation to the conversation that brings along a heaviness. A more emotional person may
have built up anxiety and emotions from the anticipation of the timing. A naturally defensive
person may use that anticipation to prepare rebuttals or attacks.
Dr. James C. Petersen
Dr. Petersen discusses the Flat-Brain Theory as breakdowns in communication. The
FlatBrain Theory suggests that one’s feelings and thoughts, though different from each other,
affect one another (Petersen, 2015)2. One’s thoughts can affect the emotions just as our heads
can affect our stomachs. Positive, self-affirming thoughts can affect the overall emotional health
of an individual. When our emotions overload, our thoughts can as well. This is where
1 Dobson, J. C. (2000). Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide. OMF Literature.
2 Petersen, J. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Petersen
Publications.
Communication in Relationships 5
breakdowns in listening and communication can happen, based on this theory. Petersen
discusses the goals obtained when working through the Flat-Brain Syndrome, and function
better from a communication standpoint. Readers are challenged to reduce the emotional
disturbance that has occurred, clarify thinking, increase self-confidence, and build supportive
friendships (Petersen, 2015)3.
In moving past the Flat-Brain Syndrome, Petersen introduces the Talker-Listener Process.
On the surface, it is a simple process of taking turns talking and listening. This is how one moves
beyond the Flat-Brain process and into the deeper, second level of communication. Simply put,
the talker is on one side of the conversation as the individual with the problem. Their goals are
to share their thoughts and feelings without attacking or accusing. On the other side is the
listener. The listener is calm enough to hear the problem. Their goals are to understand and
clarify without agreeing/disagreeing and defending themselves (Petersen, 2015)3.
A benefit specifically of the Talker-Listener Process is the clear roles and goals. The talker
has a defined role and subsequent goals to achieve in the conversation. Likewise, the listener
does as well. Using this strategy can create a ping-pong effect for the conversation. Each person
is getting their turn in the specific role again and again until the ‘game’ is over. The goal of both
the game of ping-pong and the conversation is to ‘not let the ball leave the table’; to allow the
conversation the grounds to stay on topic with the set roles and goals in mind without the
threat of veering. A potential consequence or downfall of the Talker-Listener Process would be
the question of when to change roles. Each party wants to express their needs and be heard,
and it can be difficult, especially in the throes of a disagreement to maintain the respect and
integrity of the process and allow each party ample time in each role.
3 Petersen, J. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Petersen
Publications.
Communication in Relationships 6
Ascan F. Koerner
The Family Communication Patterns Theory is family communication that focuses on
establishing a shared social reality from childhood that can continue to have an effect into
adulthood (Braithwaite, 2017)4. There are two different orientations by which family
communication can be understood which are conversation and conformity orientation.
Conversational orientation would be an established family dynamic of open and honest
conversations. On the other hand, conformity orientation consists more of a dynamic where the
parent has the authority of finality (Braithwaite, 2017)4.
Families that are labeled as high in both orientations are labeled as consensual families.
While there is a desire to preserve a family hierarchy, members of the families also feel free to
express themselves openly. Families high in conversation and low in conformity are known as
pluralistic families. Control is relinquished by parents in the home in favor of open expression.
Families low in conversation and high in conformity is known as a protective family. The
emphasis in this family is on obedience rather than open communication. Lastly, a family low on
both orientations is known as laissez-faire families. Parents allow children to make their own
decisions while also being disinterested in those decisions (Braithwaite, 2017)4.
A benefit of this method and process is that it is a measurable theory. With clear labels
and patterns, it can be simple for a family looking to improve or expand upon their
communication to discern their current style. Additionally, while this theory can paint in some
quite broad strokes in terms of family dynamics, it offers a good macro level basis for a family to
begin building upon. A consequence or downfall of the theory is the emphasis on the
4 Braithwaite, D.O., Suter, E.A., & Floyd, K. (Eds.). (2017). Engaging Theories in Family Communication: Multiple
Perspectives (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi-org.ezproxy.liberty.edu/10.4324/9781315204321
Communication in Relationships 7
orientations rather than actual actions a parent and/or children could take on the road to better
communication.
Jack O. and Judith K. Balswick
The theological basis of family relationships put forth is truly rooted with effective
communication in each stage. The stages are designed to advance deeper into the individual
stages as relationships grow and mature. The first stage, covenant, ideally speaks of an
unconditional bilateral commitment (Balswick, 2014)5. That commitment is established using
both verbal and nonverbal communication. The second stage is grace. Within effective
communication, forgiveness and the extension of grace is a necessity. Families living in grace
accept responsibility, structures, and regularity to meet the needs of each other when
communicating (Balswick, 2014)5. The third stage is empowerment. Through one’s effective
communication, a person can actively and intentionally empower the person they are
communicating with (Balswick, 2014)5. The fourth stage is intimacy; to know and be known. All
of these stages, looked at through the lens of communication, strengthen a relationship. “When
family members experience covenant love, grace, and empowerment, they will be able to
communicate confidently and express themselves freely without fear” (Balswick, 2017)5.
The clear benefit of this research is that it is biblically and theologically based. It is a
theory based on God’s own design. A consequence of this topic would be when one party of the
relationship is not in sync with the structure. In the first stage, covenant, Balswick discusses the
possibility of unilateral, or one-sided, unconditional love. When the basis begins in that fashion,
it cannot hope to experience all four stages to their fullest.
5 Balswick, Jack O., & Balswick, J. K. (2014). The Family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home.
BAKER BOOK HOUSE.
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Psychological and Theological Perspectives
From a Biblical perspective regarding communication, one can look at James 1:19 which
states, “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (NASB Bible,
2007)6. This is consistent with the psychological research which emphasizes when
communicating to listen with the intention of understanding rather than responding, to refrain
from defensiveness, and to be thoughtful when speaking (Petersen, 2015)7.
In reflecting upon the theological basis of family relationships put forth in the readings of
Balswick, one can recognize that at the root of the communication structure must be the
fourstage model of covenant, grace, empowerment, and intimacy (Balswick, 2014)8. This basis is
rooted in the relationship of God and His covenant love with us. Regarding communication,
Proverbs 15:4 comes to mind when references this four-stage model. “A soothing tongue is a
tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit” (NASB Bible, 2007)6. In progressing and
growing as a family based on the four-stage model, words matter. The loving way we
communicate is based on the covenant type love within a family, which offers grace and words
of forgiveness. Our words being compared to a tree of life suggests the blossoming our words
can cause and the empowerment we can give others with our words, leading to intimacy
amongst each other.
The Family Communication Patterns theory offers various styles of parenting and the
relationships in the family, only one of which is Biblically based. A consensual family which is
6 Hendrickson Publishers Inc. (2007). Nasb bible.
7 Petersen, J. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Petersen
Publications.
8 Balswick, Jack O., & Balswick, J. K. (2014). The Family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home.
BAKER BOOK HOUSE.
Communication in Relationships 9
high in both conversation and conformity should be the goal for families (Braithwaite, 2017)9.
Ephesians six verses one through four references the relationship between children and parents
stating that children need to obey and honor their parents (NASB Bible, 2007)10. This could
reference the goal of a family being high in the conformity orientation when communicating.
However, Paul continues and gives parents their role and responsibility as well. He states to not
provoke children to anger, but rather bring them up in the instruction of the Lord (NASB Bible,
2007)10. Paul is making it clear that an authority over one’s children does not allow for
unreasonable demands or structures that could drive children to resentment, anger, or despair.
This is in line with a family being high in the conversation orientation where there is a respect
and freedom of open expression and communication (Braithwaite, 2017)9.
Summary
When diving into the extensive research and theories that are compiled regarding
communication, it is clear to see that in fact, most people do not communicate as effectively as
we believe. While all the mentioned theories and research have varying ideas and methods, all
have roots that can be traced back to the Bible. Scripture clearly defines how we are to engage
with one another. Jesus provided the example in the way He spoke to His disciples, the religious
leaders, and everyone. At the heart of all the communication methods is a willingness to listen
with an intent to understand. When communication is effective, a stronger relationship is
formed based on covenant, grace, empowerment, and intimacy. When communication is
theologically and Biblically based, it will be successful.
9 Braithwaite, D.O., Suter, E.A., & Floyd, K. (Eds.). (2017). Engaging Theories in Family Communication: Multiple
Perspectives (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi-org.ezproxy.liberty.edu/10.4324/9781315204321
10 Hendrickson Publishers Inc. (2007). Nasb bible.
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As intensive and thorough as the research is in providing good information and process,
there are variables to consider. As much as one can stick to the research and seek to
communicate well, it is not a one-sided issue. Both parties of the relationship must engage in
the effective communication for there to be success. The question becomes what to do when
one party is communicating effectively and the other party refuses to do so. It would be an
interesting study to consider how to come alongside the party unwilling to model their
communication off of the provided research. Offering clear steps and actions to take to, not
force, but encourage effective communication to be reciprocated would be a useful tool for
those one-sided relationships.
References
Balswick, Jack O., & Balswick, J. K. (2014). The Family: A Christian perspective on the
contemporary home. BAKER BOOK HOUSE.
Braithwaite, D.O., Suter, E.A., & Floyd, K. (Eds.). (2017). Engaging Theories in Family
Communication: Multiple Perspectives (2nd ed.). Routledge.
https://doi org.ezproxy.liberty.edu/10.4324/9781315204321
Dobson, J. C. (2000). Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide. OMF Literature.
Communication in Relationships 11
Hendrickson Publishers Inc. (2007). Nasb bible.
Petersen, J. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in
Relationships. Petersen Publications.
