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4MAT: helping children survive divorce
Summary
Divorce something so small to the person leaving but often time leaves a huge impact on
the person being left as well as the kids. Dr Hart’s book, helping children survive divorce, talks
about the impact separating parents have on their children (Hart, 1997). In the book, Dr hart
shows how divorce can affect children psychologically where the child thinks that it is their fate
this is happening (Hart, 1997). Then Dr hart shows how children can be affected socially, where
the child is scared to commit, lose friends, or even just pushes people away (Hart, 1997). The
book goes through how parents can provide supports to their children even through a divorce
(Hart, 1997). Dr Hart also talks about six different emotions children can experience during a
divorce and how parents can help them cope through them (Hart, 1997). The six emotions are
fear, rejection, sadness, resentment, and anger (Hart, 1997). These feelings if not coped with can
lead to the child becoming unruly and depressed. This happens because the child no longer sees
mom and dad in the same home and eventually the parents start to date again. This in its own
nature can cause the child to feel like they must sabotage their relationships in hopes their
parents would get back together. Dr hart also offers some insight into how stepparents should
step into the rule of parent to best create a positive blending experience to create a bigger happier
family (1997). Dr hart put a lot of emphasis on how divorces can almost cripple children their
entire lives with little to no recovery if not done with them in mind. Divorce can be ugly and hurt
everyone, but it can kill the upcoming generation due to fear. Psalm 68:5 says “A father of the
fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his habitation “(KJV, 2008/1769), This verse
says that despite fathers leaving children or parents splitting up, God is your father and takes you
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in and holds you tight. So, children when you fear life because of your family spitting, God is
your father and will never forsake you if you believe on him.
Concreate Response
This book was very relatable for me and from the start brought back a flood of emotions
from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was three years old because my father was very
abusive toward my mother. I remember the night he got drunk and ran her out the house as my
three siblings and I were chased by him with a knife because he was an army vet who did not
deal with what he experienced. Unlike Dr hart’s mother who left with her kids (1997), My
parents had Domestic violence cases and one day after school we were talking to the hospital
where I remember doctor’s asking if my dad ever touched me sexually. I am told today I said yes
but myself I do not remember that, but I do remember feeling scared whenever I was around him
both with people and alone. My siblings and I were put in foster care split up from each other.
My brothers were abused in their foster home, and my sister and I had one of the most notable
experiences with church I can ever remember in ours. You see, having your parents spilt is
traumatic like Dr Hart talks about (1997) but being ripped from the only home you know with
your parents splitting is scary, lonesome feeling that is carried with you all your life. The Church
we went to was learning about the 23rd Psalm, little did I know would give me the best and most
valued verse that would help me through my whole life. Psalm 23:4 “yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff
comfort me” (KJV, 2008/1769), helped me understand and know I was not alone, that God was
with me, and he would protect me through everything as long as I believed. The Lord worked on
my mother, and she did all she could to get us back and in the midst of that she met my stepdad
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who I love more than my own dad as sad as that is to say. My dad covered his depression and
loss of his marriage in drugs and beer where he blamed everything on my mom if he missed
functions like kindergarten graduation, my sport games, birthdays, where my stepdad made a
point to make sure he was at everyone. Despite trying not to allow these events in my life to
affect me I remember being in high school sabotaging every relationship I had because deep
down inside of me, I felt I had to hurt them before they can hurt me. I then got married very
young and that ended the same way my Parents’ marriage ended, Then I found favor with the
Lord because I met a beautiful man who showed me what love is, who helped me become a
mother of six beautiful children and six beautiful stepchildren, and who is supporting me through
my dream of school and helping others. Although, I must still fight my inner child every day
with when or if my husband is going to hurt me, I would not change anything or stop loving him
because I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139, KJV, 2008/1769).
Reflection
As person who is looking to help over marriages and families through their trouble, I
fully intend to not only taking what I have experienced but I also will take what Dr Hart talked
about in the advice I use to help others. See people today, do not understand that God gives one
reason for divorce and that is Adultery (Hart, 1997). Now, in the sin in the world we have evil
people who abuse and in ends up being toxic for all those involved from the parents to the kids
and more. People need to know that there is another way to deal with their sinful natures and that
what they were taught growing up is not necessarily the right thing. By using the bible and
eyewitness accounts like this book can help heal broke people and amend families. Through all
of these sometimes cannot be fixed, being able to show parents how to help ease the blow of a
divorce can help children to grow and have the support they need to help get over traumatic
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events like this. this can happen by showing parents how to still show the child that your ex is
still their parent, by showing stepparents how to approach hurt children, and by showing parents
how to be great by themselves (Hart, 1997). God still calls for mothers and fathers to teach their
children together or alone (Hart, 1997). Things may be harder alone because that’s not what God
intended for families be like, but he still provides specifics of how parents are to teach their
children. Parents even have a verse that shows a promise “train up a child in the way he should
go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6, KJV, 2008/1769), As long as
we teach them right and in a Godly manner, they will never stray from it.
