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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 1
Neff and McMinn Review
Cara Soto
Liberty University
COUC 506 Integration of Spirituality and Counseling
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 2
Abstract
This paper gives a brief overview of chapters 1-3 from the book Embodying Integration (Neff
and McMinn, 2020). The book is written with personal stories and wisdom from the authors, who
are a father daughter team. The authors give guidance on how to integrate Christianity into the
therapy room. The first chapter looks at the word lament and what it means for the client and
counselor, and the action that accompanies it. Secondly, the book examines Ecclesiastes, a book
from the Bible, and gives tips to survive in a world that is uncertain. In the third chapter it briefly
examine the image of God and what that can look like for the client and counselor. Next, the
paper examines the reflection of the student upon reading the three chapters. A section of this
paper explores the various way that different concepts from the book impacted the student who
was reading it. And finally, a look at the spiritual formation that took place in the heart and life of
the student after reading the three first chapters of the book.
Keywords: lament, counselor, client, integration, Christianity
Neff and McMinn Review
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
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are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
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them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
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International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
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Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
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Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
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husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
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book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
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not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
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Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
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helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
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therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 14
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 15
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 16
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 17
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 18
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 19
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 20
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 21
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 22
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 23
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 24
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 25
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 26
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 27
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 28
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 29
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 30
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 31
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 32
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 33
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 34
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 35
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 36
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 37
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 38
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 39
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 40
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 41
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 42
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 43
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 44
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 45
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 46
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 47
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 48
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 49
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 50
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 51
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 52
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 54
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 55
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 57
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
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encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 59
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
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was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 61
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 62
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 63
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 64
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 65
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
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session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
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The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
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own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
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need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
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hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 77
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 78
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 79
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 80
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 81
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
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solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
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be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
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reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
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that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
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those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
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session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
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The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
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own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 93
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 96
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 97
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
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Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
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encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
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other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
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was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
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solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
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be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
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reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
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that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
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those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 109
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 111
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 112
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 113
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
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need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
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hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
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Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
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encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
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other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
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was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
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solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 125
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 126
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 127
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 128
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 129
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
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session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
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The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
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own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
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need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
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hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 141
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 142
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 143
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 144
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 145
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
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be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
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reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
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that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
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those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
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session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
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The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
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own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
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need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
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hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
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Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
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encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
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other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
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was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
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solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
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be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
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reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
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that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
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those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
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integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 172
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 173
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 174
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 175
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 176
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 177
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
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hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
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Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
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encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
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other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
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was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
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solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 188
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 189
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 190
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 191
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 192
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 193
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
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enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
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McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
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The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
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own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
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need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
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told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
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vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
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hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
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God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
Megan Anna Neff is currently working on her doctorate in clinical psychology. She has
received her M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her father Mark McMinn is a
professor at George Fox University. He has written many books and preformed various published
research projects. This father-daughter duo is well equipped to teach through this book what
integration of psychology and Christianity looks like, by explaining with personal stories and
practical techniques.
Chapter 1-3 Summary
One of the first subjects introduced in the book is the action or concept of lament. Why
would a book on integration start with the concept of lament? When working with clients who
are depressed it becomes clear to the counselor that there has been a loss. Loss of what? Maybe it
is a job, a lost relationship, the death of a loved one. The world is full of sorrow and pain, yet
grief is hidden and suffering that comes with living in a fallen world is denied. Pain brings tough
questions that need to be asked of God. These questions that are asked is not only healthy but
also acceptable (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
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Lament is the action of God entering our suffering, not rescuing us from it. Lament is a
crying out, it involves suffering; it calls for others to look at our suffering and to move into it
with us and act to make it more bearable. Lament is having a real conversation with God. It is
courageous, powerful and can be distressing. It allows feeling to flow freely without judgment or
condemnation. It allows for anger and the sense of abandonment to be verbalized to God and
others (Neff and McMinn, 2020). This is how the healing process begins. There is really no end,
it is a process of moving with.
As a counselor what does this process look like? Being there for the client, walking with
them, moving through the lamenting process. As counselors a space is created for lamenting
while still working alongside the gift of hope. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that hope and
lamenting go together, the other is not to be avoided while the other is pursued: both bring
meaning to the other and substance to genuinely living. The counselor must model this for the
client. The counselor cannot shy away from the emotions that are present in the counseling
session. Sometimes there are no words to be spoken, and sometimes there are words that need to
be spoken in encouragement and hope. There is healing in the naming of the pain, brokenness,
thankfulness and praise (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Some clients feel abandoned by God during this time of lament. The counselor must be
careful not to encourage their clients to further themselves from God, but to use this pain to bring
them closer. Neff and McMinn (2020) use the illustration of a lover’s quarrel, encourage the
client to express their anguish and feelings of abandonment to God. This will help the
relationship expand rather than constrict and the healing process will follow.
In the second chapter of their book, Neff and McMinn (2020) share what they have found
in the book of Ecclesiastes, with the help of the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001).
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 204
Ecclesiastes exposes the traits of humankind when they feel vulnerable, exposed and out of
control. What do they do when they are exposed? They try to find security in many ways, such as
hoarding, working all the time, preoccupation with money and envy. The author give insight to
how life can be enjoyed. In Ecclesiastics it also talks about life being meaningless. However,
upon examination of this word they have discovered that the translation of the word meaningless
in the book of Ecclesiastes is not translated into the correct English version of the word. The
actual meaning is “vapor”. Like steam coming from a boiling tea kettle. The steam is seen for a
brief period of time and then it disappears. It cannot be caught or held onto. Thus, the context of
this word used in Ecclesiastes is not that life is meaningless, it is that life is like a vapor. A vapor
that cannot be caught, held on to, or controlled. That is why life is to be enjoyed, when they
cease to control life or a situation they free themselves, this allows them to be present in the
moment, whether that moment is feeling the pain of a loss or having fun with children or
enjoying a good meal with friends. Ecclesiastics teaches that they cannot control or even attempt
to control life (Neff and McMinn 2020).
As a counselor, what do we do with this life that is a vapor? A gift that can be given is to
sit with our clients and lean into their story, showing empathy, not as means to an end, but as a
support to the client’s journey. As with Job and his friends, sometimes counselors will not have
the answers, they need to know when to sit and listen, be present, just as Job’s (New
International Version, 2001. Job 2:13) friends did. Another gift is appreciating the present
moment. Counselors can offer their clients an invitation to slow down from work and to enjoy
family and friends. Encouraging a client to slow down and do something that brings them
happiness. Such as, practicing a hobby, planting flowers, or taking a walk in nature. All these will
reduce anxiety by showing up in the present moment. A third gift to our client is modeling and
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 205
encouraging gratitude regardless of the situation being faced. Gratitude is important not only for
the client but for the counselor as well (Neff and McMinn, 2020).
Neff and McMinn (2020) address the question of a counselor’s view of God, questioning
what does it have to do with my work? Come to find out it has a lot to do with how we treat,
advise, and interact with clients. As McMinn points out that most clients do not come to
counseling to find out what it looks like to be created in Gods image, rather they come
questioning how they view God. Neff and McMinn (2020) talk about ways Near Eastern cultures
see God. They gather stories from a Near Eastern (ANE) accounts and compare with the God of
the Bible. The gods of ANE were devaluing of humans, making humans from the shed blood of
lesser gods. Humans were created to serve the gods. The God of the Bible created human from
dust and breathed his breath into him. God brings life with life. God created humans out of his
goodness, not out of need. It is important for counselors to know how they view God. Neff and
McMinn (2020) explain that there are implicit and explicit thoughts about God, and research has
shown that we most often operate out of our implicit thoughts. This is where we see that humans
create God in their image whereas, we are created in God’s image. For counselors they must see
their clients in the imago Dei (image of God). At times this may be hard for the counselor,
however it will create a safe and accepting place for the client.
Another aspect of implicit and explicit beliefs is that the implicit beliefs come into
operation when there is trauma. Neff and McMinn (2020) state that sometimes when
reexperiencing trauma with the client the counselor can offer space for the client to bridge the
implicit beliefs with the explicit which can be redemptive and healing.
How do we view ourselves? In our Western culture we are individualistic in our thoughts
and actions. In other cultures, they focus on the we, togetherness. They exist in relation to each
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 206
other not alone. Neff and McMinn (2020) refer to the works of Charles Taylor (2007) in his
description of the porous self, the boundary between self and the outside is permeable. The
porous self is linked to others. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out that modern psychology
encourages the thought that each individual is self-contained and distinct from others. Recent
studies have shown that this is not true. Stress and anxiety are reduced in a suffering individual
when there is a companion walking through the loss or trauma with them. As Christian
counselors it is good to be mindful that we are linked to the person in the room. It is imperative
to create a safe and accepting place for the client to be. The client observes and finds the safety in
the soft tones of the counselor’s voice, their facial expressions and gestures. This is sacred work
as we are present with other souls (Neff and McMinn, 2020)
In their final thought about imaging God, Neff and McMinn (2020) point out a God who
takes time to rest. To do nothing but connect. A sabbath rest from work and the busyness of life.
The God of the Bible does not push forward and try to accomplish more, he rested, he practiced
that enough was enough and it was good. Neff and McMinn (2020) remind us that sabbath is not
just something we do, but something to be integrated into ourselves. When we do this, we bring
peace and rest into our office and when we are with the client, we offer them an environment of
calm repose. These are ways we model and imbody the image of God.
Reflection
The first reflection about the book is the idea of lament. Moving into the pain, not rushing
or disregarding the intense emotions. As a pastor’s wife I have been to many funerals from
newborn babies to the aged. I also have been to funerals of diverse cultures. The Haitian funerals
have been the most unsettling. The first time I attended one (sixteen years ago) I was shocked
how intense they were acting. The family and friends where wailing in loud voices. The mom
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 207
was trying to take the body out of the casket. They were fainting and falling to the floor. There
was screaming and crying from the depths of the soul. These people were displaying intense pain
and emotions. In the mist of all of this I saw friends and family catching the fainting, holding the
mother that was taking the son from the casket, they were weeping, grieving, lamenting together.
I did not know what to do. It made me uncomfortable to see this form of sorrow and grief.
Coming from an American culture that has a tough time embracing grief, I shed a few
tears at my grandparent’s funeral. But for the most part, my grieving was done in solitude. I
believe that my parents grieved in solitude as well because I really never saw them cry or mourn.
I learned well from them to keep grief to myself. I used to be uncomfortable with the display of
grief. We were not meant to die or suffer loss, we are created to live forever in a perfect world.
Sadly, sin entered the world and death, loss and disappointment happen daily. Though doing my
own grieving work I am now more comfortable setting with my pain and the pain of others. The
Bible says, blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.
Neff and McMinn (2020) suggest that we collectively engage in numbing our emotions.
We live in a society that battles to creates space for complex emotions. A few years ago, a young
couple who were in ministry with us, lost their baby right after delivery. It was very devastating.
After the funeral they left to go visit family out West for a month. Upon their return home my
husband and I went to go see them. We asked how their hearts were doing, how they were
grieving their pain and loss. They both started to cry and told us we were the only ones to ask
about their hearts. Their family out West had not even brought up the death of their child. They
had been offered no comfort. No one to lament with, no one to take the journey of grief.
In their book Hawkins and Clinton (2015) bring out the ugly fact that addictions are
becoming more of a problem here in the United States. Numbing the pain is becoming the
lOMoARcPSD|27792785
NEFF AND MCMINN REVIEW 208
solution to avoiding emotions. Neff and McMinn (2020) point out in their book that physical
health and phycological health go hand in hand. If we are not doing well emotionally then
chances are, we are not doing well physically. Hawkins and Clinton (2015) address the different
forms of addictions. From pain killers to food, shopping to video games. Distractions from the
present, these addictions do not allow us to enjoy the current moments in our lives thus robbing
us of the pleasure or sadness of the moment.
As a Christian counselor I found this chapter on lament to be profoundly helpful in
recognizing not only my weak areas of grief, but also it made me aware of a new term. Lament
and the definition that we are to walk with each other during this process. Lament is not a solo
journey. It is done with a friend. It is a time to question God, seek understanding even if there are
no answers, but be present in the moment for a client who needs the safe space to cry out. They
need the reassurance that God is with them and has not abandoned them. The cost of not grieving
is catastrophic to the human soul. As Neff and McMinn (2020) put it when we do not grieve well,
we are living fragmented and disembodies lives.
Fear and Control
One question I have learned to ask when I see myself controlling, “what am I afraid of”?
Neff and McMinn (2020) do a wonderful study on the book of Ecclesiastes. They look at how the
book gives direction to life amidst crisis. Neff points out that the book of Ecclesiastes gave her
insight into her difficult and unorthodox questions about living in a messy world. In the book of
Ecclesiastes, the author brings up the point that life is meaningless. Looking at the backdrop of
the book Neff and McMinn turn to the works of Choon-Leong Seow (2001) to unpack the
meaning of the word “hebel” and how to interpret it according to the correct English translation.
Hebel means ‘vapor’, like the smoke that comes after you blow a candle out. The smoke cannot
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be held onto, contained or saved. Seow points out that this is what life is like, vapor, the more we
try to control or hold on to it the more we lose the meaning and enjoyment of life.
I can be very task oriented. This means that I have a tendency to plow through a project
and disregard moments that are valuable. Moments with family, moments with God, moments
that can bring joy and happiness. Also, in my quest to do more I do not take sufficient time to
address my emotions, process the event or the conversation. Reading this chapter has helped me
to be even more aware that life is short.
Neff and McMinn’s (2020) section on deep empathy, has sparked the need I have to be
empathetic to myself. Last Tuesday I had a counseling appointment with my therapist. I have
been working through issues regarding my mother and her lack of being there emotionally for
me. My counselor said one phrase. He said, “we really didn’t have mothers growing up (he had
told me the story of his childhood)”. I started to cry as I saw a little five-year-old scared. No one
to comfort her. I saw in my mind’s eye me standing there with big eyes looking around. I wanted
to go hug that little girl that was not seen (known). This was a powerful illustration for me as to
what self-compassion and empathy look like. My typical response to my childhood is, ‘that is life
now move on’. I reason, ‘you didn’t get the compassion or emotional support from your mom do
not let it keep you from giving”. But after reading this chapter and talking with the counselor I
now see the deep importance of self-compassion.
Following are several studies that prove what a help empathy can be for a client.
According to Elliott et. al. (2018), genuine empathy and care from a therapist can help in the
process of becoming congruent with the self. Furthermore, numerous studies have shown that
clients’ experiences of emotions during psychotherapy represent a strong predictor of positive
outcomes (Atzil-Slonim, et. al. 2019). It has also been discovered that self-compassion helps to
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reduce depressive moods (Diedrich, et. al. 2014). As an up-and-coming counselor it is imperative
that I not only learn to empathize with myself, but that I also encourage my clients to do the
same which will help them on their path of healing.
Acceptance and Commitment
A term that is congruent with the book of Ecclesiastes is acceptance. Not running or
numbing the pain. Sitting in the moment. Knowing that there is a season for everything.
“Acceptance is giving up ways to avoid life’s pain and struggle and allow ourselves to accept
whatever is happening in the moment” (Neff and McMinn, 2020). We can not avoid pain, it is
not about fixing the pain or controlling it, it is about carrying the pain. This requires a level of
vulnerability on my part. I put myself out there committing to keep the values I hold regardless
of the circumstances. I may be in a painful relationship with my mother, however, I must be
vulnerable to the fact that I value a relationship with her and I am willing to move through the
pain of tough conversations to get us to a place where we are both on the journey of healing and
restoration.
Contemplating God
When I read the book Why You Do the Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy, 2007), the
authors pointed out that we view God as we view our parents. Most of these thoughts are
intrinsic thoughts, hidden thoughts that turn into behaviors. I grew up feeling that my mother’s
love was conditional on my good performance, when I examined my relationship with God, I
realized that I had unintentionally been operating out of this same framework in my relationship
to God, I had to be good for Him to love me. As Neff and McMinn (2020) point out, our view of
God is what is going to shape our thought process and behaviors and ultimately effect the way
we minister to our clients in the counseling sessions. Neff and McMinn (2020) also pointed out
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that pain seems to be the key to open up new opportunities for growth and reveal the intrinsic
thoughts to the extrinsic. This is where the counselor comes into help with the process though
asking open ended questions and walking with the client through the pain. The calling out of
wrong with grace and love enables the client to be more compassionate with self.
Day of Rest
One of my favorite sections in chapter three of Neff and McMinn’s (2020) book is the
reference to Sabbath. I look forward to Saturday every week. This is the day God set aside at
creation and he rested. Not because he was tired but because he wanted to give us humans a day
to stop the hurry of life. Reorient ourselves to the rest that Jesus has to offer. In Mark 2:27 (New
International Version, 2001) it says that the Sabbath was made for man. This is my day for me to
connect on a deeper level with God, others in my life and spend time in nature. For twenty-four
hours I do not worry about money, school, work or daily chores. As Neff and McMinn (2020)
point out that Sabbath rest is something that we embody. It is helpful to think of sabbath as being
the very essence of who we are and what we do. Integrating this into our life and our very being,
helps us to take this peace into the counseling session with us and create an atmosphere of
harmony for our clients.
Spiritual Formation
What I gleaned from the chapters of the book have been gold. The question of how I view
God and learning that my intrinsic beliefs need to be verbalized so that I can recognize how I
operate is a work in progress. I have learned that understanding God and becoming more like
Jesus only happens when I spend time in his Word and at his feet. Jesus quoted Isaiah 61:1-3 as
his mission statement, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for
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those who grieve” (New International Version, 2001). Jesus’ mission brings into perspective
who he is. Not just about what he will do for me, but the essence of his mission shows he has
great compassion for me.
The challenge for me is expressing my emotions. I am learning that I cannot ignore my
emotions. I cannot run, hide or excuse how I feel. When I think about Jesus, he came to heal my
heart, because he is the healer, to set me free, because he is freedom, and comfort me, because he
is the comforter. It gives me hope that he has come to help me process my emotions, to identify
them, to set with them. I do not know what to do with them sometimes. And other times they are
so hidden that I do not know what I am feeling. Neff and McMinn (2020) say that pain and
emotion is reduced and controlled by a companion who is keenly present.
God is the one I can turn to; he is my companion. He knows me better then I know myself
and therefore he can help me better than anyone who knows me. I am not saying I do not need
others in my life to help me process emotions. I still need my husband, my close friends and my
therapist, however, when I read Jesus’ mission statement it gives me hope that there is a solid and
perfect way and hope for the healing of my heart.
My conclusion is that by exploring my intrinsic beliefs about God, leaning into his
mission for me, claiming that I will be set free I can be free to identify and express my emotions.
This is what integration is about for me. Dealing with my pain and hurt so I can be there and
create space for others to do the same. May Jesus’ mission become mine.
References
Atzil-Slonim, D., Bar-Kalifa, E., Fisher, H., Lazarus, G., Hasson-Ohayon, I., Lutz, W., Rubel, J.,
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& Rafaeli, E. (2019). Therapists’ empathic accuracy toward their clients’
emotions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 87(1), 33–45.
https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000354
Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2007). Why you do the things you do: the secret to healthy
relationships. Integrity Publishers.
Diedrich, A., Grant, M., Hofmann, S.G., Hiller, W., Berking, M., (2014) Self-compassion as an
emotion regulation strategy in major depressive disorder, Behavior Research and
Therapy, Volume 58, 2014, Pages 43-51, ISSN 0005-7967,
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.05.006.
Elliott, R., Bohart, A. C., Watson, J. C., & Murphy, D. (2018). Therapist empathy and client
outcome: An updated meta-analysis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 399–410.
https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000175.supp (Supplemental)
Hawkins, R., & Clinton, T. (2015). The new Christian counselor. Harvest House Publishers.
Neff, A. M. & McMinn, M. R. (2020). Embody integration: A fresh look at Christianity in the
therapy room. Intervarsity Press.
New International Version. (2001). Women’s Devotional Bible. Zondervan.
