ALLENDER JOURNAL - CHAPTER ONE 1
Allender Journal – Chapter One
Kendra Smither
School of Behavioral Sciences, Liberty University
Allender Journal – Chapter One
Chapter one of Allender (2005) discusses the concept of our personal life stories and the
many ways in which they’re shaped. It is pointed out that we have characters in our lives that
help with this, and that play a key role in shaping who we are. Parents are major characters in
our life stories, and Allender points out how they shape our stories, but also how they have
their own stories as well.
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When I think of the stories that my parents passed down to me, my brain goes all over
the place. First off, my parents have far differing tales and views about how they grew up and
how their relationships with their parents were. While they went to the same high school, they
had differing families and family structures. I’ve heard a plentiful number of stories about my
parents’ childhood in all the realms such as success and shame, power and abuse, etc.
One thing that stuck out to me when reading this, is that I always remember my dad’s
complaints about his childhood and him using them as a validation for him being the way that
he is. And while it’s true that our parents are a major part of forming our own life stories, I
always remember hating him for validating his harsh actions by blaming it on the way that he
was raised. My father’s parents loved him, and he expressed that, but he also has shared tragic
and traumatic stories in the realms of abuse, power struggles, and lack of love. He witnessed
isolation, being left at home too young as well as physical abuse that was somewhat normalized
at that time. Allender (2005) sheds light on tragedy, and how it gives movement to our story.
From these situations that my father faced, he learned ways to cope that weren’t necessarily
healthy and engaged in self-defeating patterns that shaped his story. It’s interesting to put it
that way but seeing how his story unfolds makes a lot of sense when I put it into these words. I
think Allender (2005) makes a great point with this recognition of patterns that eventually lead
to bigger themes that start to define us and our life stories.
My mother on the other hand, had a very loving set of parents and she always expressed
that. Her mother was strict but cared deeply about her children and still does. My mother
shares stories of having a rocky relationship with her parents because of their strictness, but as
she got older, she realized they would do just about anything for her, including enabling her
addictive habits. All the way into her adult life they supported her and gave her resources so she
wouldn’t fail, and nonetheless, she always landed at her rock bottom, and they were there to
pick her back up. She fell into this pattern, and because of that and various other factors that
have played into her story, she still struggles with dependence, not only on people but on
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substances, experiences, you name it. My mother has various loving childhood stories, and
there’s no doubt she was loved and taken care of, but her relationship with her parents is a
huge part of why she is where she is amid her story today.
I think it’s easy for me to see some of these patterns in my parents and their lives, but
it’s difficult to see my own. I could go on talking about my relationship with my parents and how
I feel it has shaped me into who I am today, but it’s hard to pinpoint certain aspects. I do believe
that my unreliable relationship with my parents in this sense has formed me into the person
that I am today. Experiencing abandonment and not having a stable household or parental
figure to rely on had a huge effect on me, and I think it’s where I get some of my best qualities,
as well as some of my worst. I think this book is eye-opening in this sense, and in the significant
ways that the characters in our life play a role in our story as a whole.
References
Allender, D. B. (2006). To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future. National Geographic
Books.
