Liberty University
COMS 560
Essay #2
Cahn and Abigail discuss the Six-Step Confrontation Process in their text, Managing
Conflict Through Communication. Confrontation is known as a hostile or argumentative situation
between multiple parties. Cahn and Abigail (2014) describe confrontation as “an interpersonal
conflict communication process in which the parties call attention to problems or issues as they
occur between them and express their feelings, beliefs, and wants to one another.” The six steps
of confrontation were designed to help individuals confront others effectively so that the health
of their relationships could be restored. The six steps of confrontation include: preparation,
arranging for a time and place to meet and talk, interpersonal confrontation, considering the other
person’s point of view, resolving the problem, and following up on the solution.
In the first step of the confrontation process, individuals are encourages to prepare. While
preparing you should identify the problems you are having, your needs, and the issues bothering
you. During this stage of the confrontation process, self-talk is strongly recommended. Inner
message are verbalized in self-talk, either out loud to other or to ourselves. While participating in
self-talk we can talk ourselves out of confronting an individual, talk ourselves into confronting
an individual, as well as can ourselves in or out of how we would handle the conflict. We could
talk ourselves into handling the conflict in a non-hostile manner or a destructive manner.
Cahn and Abigail (2014) suggest asking oneself, “who, what, where, when, and how,” as it
will allow you to truly examine all aspects of the situation to determine exactly who the problem
is with, what they did to hurt or upset you, where your emotions are, when you plan to confront
them, and how you plan to confront them. Asking yourself these questions allows you to think
and map out the process in your mind before it actually happens. This process is known as
imagined interaction. Self-talk allows individuals to create a imagine interaction of what may
happen when they attempt to resolve their conflict. During this process an individual would think
about what they might say and what the response of the other party would be. In imagined
interactions the interaction is thought of in an “if-then” way. For example, if they say “x”, I will
respond “y’. During the preparation step we are also encourage to ask ourselves what will
happened if we do not receive the outcome we wanted or expected and what would happened to
the relationship if we do receive the outcome we wanted (Cahn and Abigail, 2014). After self-
preparing for the confrontation it is then time to arrange a convenient time to discuss the conflict.
In step two of the confrontation process, individuals must arrange a convenient time and
place to talk to the person they are experiencing the conflict with. Most people start this step with
the daunting phrase “We need to talk.” Automatically, most people understand that the statement
“We need to talk” is an invite to confrontation (Cahn and Abigail, 2014). While the phrase “We
need to talk” can be uncomfortable for some people, Cahn and Abigail current using your own
phrase that is more suitable to you comfort level and personality. Something as simple as “Could
we get together tomorrow?” would work as it is a little subtler. Cahn and Abigail suggest telling
the individual what the topic of discussion will be so that they are not blindsided and know what
is going to be discussed. When selecting a place and time, individuals should be sure to pick an
appropriate place, that is privately and free from distractions. Meeting times should be scheduled
within 24 hours of asking to talk to the individual. Once the location and time have been
determined, it is now time to talk about the problem.
Step three of the confrontation process is interpersonal confrontation. During this stage of the
process the individuals are able to talk to one another about the problem bothering them, their
needs going forward, and other possible issues. Assertiveness plays a key role in this stage. To be
assertive means to have confidence in your behavior and your words. Speak with power. It is
important to not give off a vibe of being scared, nervous, or unsure as this could be used to your
disadvantage. Assertiveness is important in this stage, as you have to bring the problem to the
attention of the other party. You have to verbalize your wants, interest, or needs strongly. When
asserting oneself, Cahn and Abigail make the following suggestions:
o“Stand tall, or if sitting, lean slightly forward, but don’t crowd the other person.
oKeep at least a couple of feet between you both.
oLook at the person, but don’t stare (suggestion: focus on her or his forehead).
oLook serious, but don’t frown, glare, or appear menacing.
oSpeak firmly, calmly, slowly, and don’t allow yourself to become verbally
aggressive.
oUse open gestures, and avoid any threatening gestures such as arm waving,
pointing, standing up, or making a fist.
oState your own point of view in terms of your needs, wants, interests, and
concerns, but find something on which you both agree.”
During the third step in the confrontation process Cahn and Abigail also suggest the use
of I-statements to describe how you are feeling, what you would like, and the problematic
behavior. “You” statements make people feel defensive. In a confrontation process, it is
important to stay away from defensive situations; all parties should feel safe. Work & Family
Life (2014) state that I-statements are more likely to get an individual was he or she wants or
needs. It allows the individuals involved in the conflict to help with out having the other person
feeling disempowered. Examples of I-statements include, “I feel unsettled that I don’t know what
is happening in your life financially.”
Step four of the confrontation process is to consider your partner’s point of view. During
this stage each person should be empathetic to one another. Empathy is having the “ability to
consider another person’s beliefs or feelings, so that we can see the situation from the perspective
of the other” (Cahn and Abigail, 2014). Though empathy requires individual to consider another
person’s beliefs or feelings, it does not mean you must agree with that person’s perspective. It is
important to open yourself up to other’s views and not take their feelings personal. While trying
to reconcile conflict, hurtful situations from the past may be brought up and it is important to be
open-minded and not get defensive. Cahn and Abigail believe one should not tell someone how
to feel or that they are wrong for feeling a particular way. While attempting to reconcile, we
should never disregard someone’s feelings. The authors encourage individuals to focus on why
others feel the way they do and the role those feelings played in the conflict instead. It is
important to be sensitive to other’s feelings when we are listening to them.
Step five of the confrontation process is to manage the problem. During this stage the
individuals will come to a mutual understanding and reach an agreement. Coming to a mutual
understanding is a significant step in the process. Each party should feel accomplished. Many
conflicts can be resolved with a simple agreement such “Okay, I agree to…”, while other
situations are more complicated and may require a written agreement. A written agreement
would be used in a more formal situation such as one between a co-worker, client, or roommate.
Step six of the confrontation process is to follow up on the solution. During the stage
parties are required to set a time limit as to when the conflict should be resolved. The process
cannot end until there is successful performance overtime. Cahn and Abigail (2014) suggest that
“you set a date with the other to return to the issue at hand to evaluate the progress made, reward
yourself if successful, or to revise your agreement if not.” The only way to determine resolution
was met and carried out is to follow up.
The process of confrontation described in the text by Cahn and Abigail give a step-by-step
process of how to confront conflict in an effective way. It is important to address confrontation
and not avoid it. Many people prefer to avoid the confrontation as they don’t like conflict and
they think it is easier to just move on and ignore it, however, the underlining issue is still there.
Fleeing from the situation will only make things worst. It is better to confront the individual
immediately to elevate additions issues and conflict. Individuals in the conflict should be
encouraged to push through the initial hardship and address the conflict as soon as possible.
There are several benefits to confrontation. Confronting a person allows the individuals
experiences hurt to release the burden of the conflict from their hearts and minds. Addressing
conflict immediately will only build trust within relationships. The more individuals are able to
carefully confront one another with an understanding that it is coming from a place of love, trust
can be developed more. When confrontation comes from a loving place and is not malicious the
individuals involved are able to count on one another to speak the trust and be respectful. When
there is a mutual respect the individuals are able to gain one another’s trust and express their
emotions and feelings honestly. Being able to confront someone with honesty the relationship is
able to grow stronger. Having the ability to have long standing relationships is a blessing,
however, having a long standing relationship where conflict arose and the individuals are able to
get past it shows dedication to the relationship and only strengthens it for the greater good.
Conflict can build relationships and make them stronger. Confrontation resolution teaches
individuals how to overcome their conflicts with one another as well as savage relationships.
Conflict is normal. Every relationship has its issues and how one chooses to overcome to issues
determines the strength of the relationship.
References:
Cahn, D. D. & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.).
Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon. ISBN: 978-0-205-86213-9.
Learn to use "I" statements. (2014, 02). Work & Family Life, 29, 4. Retrieved from
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