CHOOSING A PARTNER AND FORMING A FAMILY
A. Choosing a Partner
According to Erikson, in young adulthood (early) there is a developmental
task, namely building intimacy vs isolation, so that in this time adults are required to
build intimate relationships with others (Santrock, 2018). Interpersonal relationships
play an important role in marriage. Having interpersonal relationships that get along
well in the case of marriage is a difficult matter to come by, even considered more
difficult than building business relationships and friendships. These difficulties occur
due to the clutter obtained from various unusual factors arising in individual life
before pairing. Therefore, there is an increase in the number of people who grow up
and young adults who take part in premarital education that provides information
about relationships (Busby & friends, 2007 in Santrock, 2018)
Finding a balance between intimacy and commitment on the one hand and
freedom on the other is difficult (Santrock, 2018). Therefore, not every person is able
to adjust himself in married life, especially for those who are not used to showing
affection for others and do not have the will to communicate. Sattle states that a man's
lack of affection can be caused by a lack of support and appreciation from his partner,
so he considers his rude and cold behavior to be manly (Hurlock, 2002). This often
happens to couples who do not build communication well, causing many
misunderstandings with their partners.
When a person decides to live a life together, then He considers that his
relationship is special and worth maintaining. Those who decide to get married have
hope that their partner can cultivate harmony, tranquility and intimate feelings
together. They can put their trust in their spouses regarding their lives after marriage,
where the two will go through difficulties together, and strive to complement each
other.
1.1 Factors Affecting Adjustment to Couples
In marriage, there are two main factors that each couple refers to, namely
accuracy in choosing a partner and maintaining or perpetuating the marriage. Today,
an adult is experiencing developments in his way of life. Many of them attach
importance to work so they choose to remain alone, postpone marriage, delay
pregnancy and even choose not to have children (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1990).
The existence of internal and external pressures such as the search for self-identity,
culture, societal stigma, and family norms requires a person to make future plans
related to marriage commitments.
Choosing a partner is the first step in the process of building a future family.
The main problem in choosing a partner is to find a partner who fits the criteria or
personality, because the key to success in married life is the ability to adjust to the
partner (wife or husband). According to Hurlock (2002) there are several factors that
can influence the adjustment of a partner, namely:
1. The concept of the ideal partner
During adulthood, both men and women have the concept of an ideal
partner in choosing a partner. They try to be realistic to make it easier to
adjust
2. Fulfillment
Couples are advised to meet the needs of their partner where if adults need
recognition, achievement, and social status to achieve happiness then the
couple also helps other couples to meet these needs.
3. Similarity of background
The more the same background of the couple, the easier it will be to adjust
to each other. If the couple has a different outlook on life, it will be more
difficult to adjust.
4. Common interests
Creates good adjustments if the couple has common interests and interests,
so that couples can share and go through difficult interests together.
5. Value similarity
Common backgrounds, common interests and interests can produce the
same value as well. Pairs that have the same value will be easy in the
process of their adjustment.
6. The concept of roles
Every adult expects his partner to perform the role well. They expect the
role of husband or wife as it should be in the future. When those
expectations are not met it can result in conflict or difficulty adjusting.
7. Changes in lifestyle
When you have chosen a partner, it means that adults are ready to change
their life patterns such as changing work requirements, daily activities and
changing friendship patterns where this causes a lot of emotional conflict.
In addition to the factors above, in fact, the family can also influence adults in
choosing a partner. The family of the couple will become close relatives in the future
if they decide to get married. Each couple must study their partner's family because
often the couple's family has different cultures, interests, ages, educational aspects and
backgrounds. Each individual must learn and adjust if they do not want a tense
relationship in the future. The possibility of the couple's relatives interfering and
controlling their lives after marriage makes adults deserve and be prepared for risks,
of course, couples must protect and support each other.
Hurlock (2002) states that family relationships can become serious at the
beginning of a marriage, causing the instability of one of the spouses and resulting in
divorce. So it requires introduction, the opportunity to meet, establish communication,
and build good relationships from before marriage. When a match is established, it
will be easy for the couple to adjust to their new relative.
B. Stages in the Selection and Development of Relationships with Spouses
In the selection of pairs there are several stages that occur in the process of meeting
two indvidu. In 1976, Murstein developed a Stimulus-Value Role theory that elevates the
intimacy of a relationship processed through several stages of development. At each stage,
there are different factors that contribute to the level of attraction and commitment to a
relationship. The stages of such development are:
1. Stimulus stage, where the attraction or attraction is still at the appearance and
social status that gives rise to attraction to the couple.
2. Value stage, at this stage the attachment of the couple will lead to trust and
value between individuals. At this stage the couple begins to share their
opinions and thoughts so that there is a deeper understanding of the couple
3. Role stage, here the couple will begin to put up commitments that will deepen
the relationship between individuals. This commitment arises from the
compatibility of the expectations of the role of the couple and the behaviors
that exist in the individual
C. Stages of Family Formation
1. The first stage of a new couple or a new family (beginning family)
The new family begins at the moment when each individual, that is, the
husband and wife form a family through a legal marriage and leave the family through
a legal marriage and leave their respective families, psychologically the family forms
a new family. Each learns to live together as well as adapt to the habits of himself and
his partner. For example, eating habits, sleeping, getting up early, working and so on.
What needs to be decided is when is the right time to have children and what is the
expected number of children.
2. The second stage of the family with the birth of the first child (child bearing
family)
Families looking forward to birth start from pregnancy to the birth of the first
child and continue until the first child is 30 months old (2.5 years). The birth of the
first baby gives a great change in the family, so the couple must adapt to its role to
meet the needs of the baby. A frequent problem with the birth of a baby is that the
couple feels neglected because the focus of attention of both partners is on the baby.
Husband feels not ready to be a father or vice versa.
3. The third stage of families with preschool children
This stage begins at the birth of a 2.5-year-old child and ends at the time of a
5-year-old child. At this stage parents adapt to the needs and interests of the
preschooler in improving his growth. Family life at this stage is very busy and the
child is very dependent on the parents. Parents have a role to stimulate the individual
development of children, especially the independence of the child so that the child's
developmental tasks in this phase are achieved.
4. Fourth stage of families with children
This stage begins at the time when the oldest child enters school at the age of 6
and ends at the age of 12. In this phase the family reaches the maximum number of
family members, so the family is very busy. In addition to activities at school, each
child has their own activities and interests as well as parents who have different
activities from the child. For this reason, families need to work together to achieve
developmental tasks. At this stage the family (parents) need to learn to part with the
child, giving the child the opportunity to socialize, both activities at school and
outside of school.
5. The fifth stage of families with teenagers
This stage begins when the first child is 13 years old and usually ends until the
age of 19-20 years, at the time when the child leaves his parents' home. The goal is
for families to release their teens and give them greater responsibility and freedom to
prepare for adulthood.
6. The sixth stage of families with adult children or release (launching center
families)
This stage begins at the moment when the last child leaves home. The main
goal at this stage is to reorganize the family to continue to play a role in releasing the
child to live alone. The family prepares the oldest child to form his own family and
still helps the last child to be more independent. Parents will feel lost their role in
caring for children and feel empty because their children no longer live in the same
house. To overcome this situation, parents need to carry out work activities, increase
the role as a couple, and still maintain relationships with children.
7. The seventh stage of middle age families
This stage begins when the last child leaves home and ends when retirement or
one spouse dies. At this stage all children leave home, so the couple focuses on
maintaining health with various activities.
8. The eighth stage of the elderly family
The last stage of family development begins when one of the spouses retires,
continuing one of the spouses dies. The process of old age and retirement is an
unavoidable reality due to various stressor processes such as reduced income, loss of
various social relationships, loss of work and feelings of decreased productivity and
health functioning. Maintaining a satisfactory arrangement of life is the main task of
the family at this stage.
