The Pastor as Counselor Lesson 4 Incarnational Ministry – Listening and Empathy.docx

The Pastor as Counselor Lesson 4: Incarnational Ministry – Listening and Empathy

he art of listening can be a challenge for pastors who are often occupied (or even preoccupied)

with sermons, board meetings, their own pain, and a host of other issues. Nevertheless, church

members must feel confident that their clergy will listen to them, especially in times of need.

Skilled pastors not only listen, but they listen actively. Active listening involves empathy—the

ability to set aside personal thoughts, feelings, and agendas in order to enter into another

person’s world. Such listening enables one to see other people’s concerns from their

perspectives. Pastors with strong personalities or those whose main focus is on something else,

find this especially difficult. Compassionate, active listening can be foreign to pastors, too,

required to take homiletics. Clergy are also required to take biblical and theological courses to

develop exegetical skills. Yet how many are taught the art of listening?

Listening, a complex skill, seldom comes naturally. For example, Jesus spoke of His crucifixion

many times, but His disciples did not seem to be very good listeners for they missed the point.

Contemporary pastors may feel they are good listeners, but are likely limited in their listening

skills unless they have intentionally cultivated them.

Anne Long wrote a book entitled, Listening,1 that can help pastors listen to others, to themselves,

and even to God. Books on listening usually encourage people to set aside personal bias,

agendas, busyness, natural inclinations to speak, and to listen more than seems natural.

Listening requires discipline and education. A book such as Basic Attending Skills2 would be a

good source to help pastors improve their listening skills. Some of the basics of listening include

honest eye contact, attentive body language, appropriate vocal style, and a relaxed attitude.

A barrier to effective listening is that it is not typically rewarded, as are activities such as

baptisms, fundraising, and good sermons. Also, pastors, being knowledgeable, are tempted to

speak more than to listen. Pastoral insecurity and the need to appear competent or in control can

helplessness when I have watched people die or observed a medical team try to revive someone.

During such times, people need a listening, compassionate heart more than a talking, intellectual

During one pastorate, I was on a mission to build a new sanctuary. An older member voiced her

strong disagreement, arguing that the old facility was just fine. Listening helped me realize that

her disagreement was, partially, a desire to share the many memories of baptisms, funerals, and

weddings at the old church. I had to set aside my agenda in order to listen to her. This took time,

yet as I actively listened to her recount these many memories, her opposition to the new building

started to wane.

Listening becomes especially vital when people experience pain. Because we have experienced

similar situations, we commonly assume that that we understand them. Typically, people console

others by saying, “I know how you feel” or “I understand what you are going through.” Such

saying, “I know how you feel; my son was hit and killed by a car two years ago.” The church

member meant to help, but did she express empathy to the older woman or did her own life

perspective get in the way? It was the latter, for sure. No situation is ever identical, no matter

how similar they may seem. People are all different and may react quite differently to seemingly

similar tragedies.

At the same time, suppose this grieving wife came to her pastor? How helpful would it be if the

minister replied by discussing the existence of God, the reality of evil, the notion of God’s love,

or some other form of apologetics? Not much. The widow did not ask for a systematic theology

of human suffering; she needed a caring, listening ear. In such a case, sermonizing becomes

inappropriate. In contrast, listening, actively listening, is not only appropriate but crucial.

Listening communicates human care, which demonstrates divine care. Listening shows concern

by action rather than words.

Listen, listen, listen, listen

Active listening, identified as hard work, requires one’s full focus and takes enormous mental

energy. Pastors may have heard and understood the words of someone, but did they really

understand what they felt and how these feelings impacted their life? Active listening involves

trying to identify a person’s emotions and concerns, but without communicating the idea that we,

somehow, know what they are feeling and going through. And that’s because so often we do not

listen to us.

intimate access to people’s personal lives. This unique role of caring must be maximized by

active, empathic listening. “Listen, listen, listen, then listen some more before taking action or

giving advice.”3 Listening earns one the right to speak.

Listening is demanding, yet also a tremendous gift. Listening requires humility. Philippians 2:3,

4 says, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let

each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests,

but also for the interest of others” (NKJV). Active listening requires giving up self for someone

else, accepting others, respecting others, and encouraging others to keep on talking.

A primary component of listening includes avoiding changing the topic; listening also means

from what weighs them down with grief and concern to something that they care nothing or little

about at the moment.

Another component of good listening includes awareness of cultural, personality, gender,

religious, and other differences. For example, eye contact among some Southwest Native

Americans may represent a hostile act, the physical distance between two speakers may vary

from culture to culture (people from the Middle East tend to have less distance between them

than many westerners are accustomed to), and vocal tones and speeds vary among cultures.4 We

need to avoid stereotyping, yet it is helpful to be aware of differences in communication.

“Tell me about . . .”

Depending on the culture and the situation, there are also times to speak (Eccles. 3:7). Skilled

counselors need to understand theories, methodologies, and be able to speak confidently and

wisely in order to intervene during times of psychological and spiritual trauma. Nonetheless,

most clergy could probably improve their ministries by speaking less and listening more.

Training in counseling intervention strategies would be a bonus; yet, in the end, the foundation

of caring includes having good listening skills.

An enormously useful phrase to encourage others to open up and share is, “Tell me about . . .”

This phrase is useful in numerous contexts. Some examples, “Tell me about your ailing mother,

promotes active listening.

pastoral ministry. Empathy is the understanding of emotional feelings of others. It is the

mirroring of feelings of someone’s suffering.

Gill Hasson says “mirror neurons are distinctive brain cells that fire not just when you perform

an action, but also when you use or hear others carry out an action too”

it is the identifying as well as me experiencing of the emotional feeling of other people .Michael

Jacobs defines empathy as the ability to identify with how others might be feeling.

Understanding intuitively how the others might be feeling. Empathy or identification means the

ability to put one’s self in someone’s shoes, to get into the skin, to experience what they might be

experiencing.

It is believed that empathy and sensitivity come hand in hand; you cannot be empathetic and be

insensitive. It is also note that people who show empathy towards others as they tell their stories

there is no empathy in human lives.

pastors and church leaders is that empathy can be learned. The key skill that you need as a pastor

is to be one of these emotional intelligent people. Having empathy simply means that you are

willing to try and understand someone’s situation, their point of view, their true feelings; you are

interested in one’s situation and as a pastor readiness to respond to their needs and feelings

without dismissing them and judging them. .When we put ourselves in the other person’s place

we’re less likely to want to put him in his place.

As a Christian, you should practice empathy

Christians are called to restore those who have sinned in a spirit of gentleness. The 6th Chapter

of Galatians spells out the importance of this vital Christian act. It is, however, an aspect of

Christian practice that is very lacking in much of Christianity today.

Sin is often very simple to spot for a Christian. We are really conditioned to see it, call it out, and

admonish it. There were some who modeled this behavior in Matthew 26:6–13; Mark 14:3–9;

Luke 7:36–50; John 12:1–8. The stories reflect different details, but the core teaching is that very

who she is in the moment with a genuine understanding of her true needs. This woman needed

forgiveness and acceptance rather than punishment and condemnation for her sins.IJesus restored

this sinner in a spirit of gentleness.

of gentleness. The text also cautions against falling into temptation and requires Christians to

bear one another’s burdens. This caution and requirement also go hand-in-hand when it comes to

a genuinely Christian approach to sin.

The temptation Scripture warns against is the legitimate desire to admonish, punish, and force

the sinner into repentance. It is an easy trap because it appears logical and practical. One does

something wrong and it deserves punishment. If the sinner wants to avoid future punishment,

fear of the punishment should serve as a deterrent to the sin in the first place. The worse the sin,

the greater the punishment. It makes logical since, except for the fact that it does not work. If

punishment was a means of overcoming sin, the prison system would not be overflowing and

crime rates would be minimal.

Rather than fall in the trap of believing that punishment—either human punishment or calling on

perspective from which another person comes, works to personally identify with the other

person, and then prayerfully respond to the situation in a spirit of gentleness borne out of

walking with, and showing empathy for, the person’s true humanity. Empathy is taking on

another’s burdens and validating the whole humanity of that one out of God’s love for that

person. As followers of Christ, part of the authentic witness of the church is to extend empathy,

not judgment or punitive measures. Empathy also serves to restore sinners far more effectively

than the presumption of punitive measures. Empathy is our call in Christ.

Listen With Empathy

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to become angry. James 1:19