CCOU 304
Lesson Description: Learn to cover all the issues a woman needs to review
before she enters into marriage. A realistic, but encouraging look at what
women need to know and do to prepare for the pitfalls and challenges of
married life so her marriage can last a lifetime.
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Learning Objectives: In this lesson you will learn...
1. Why it’s important to avoid the “compulsion for completion.”
2. How to identify the unspoken rules we’ve grown up with.
3. How our family of origin has wired us to view our roles as husband and
wife.
4. The triangular theory of love and why it’s a good thing.
5. About the importance of passion, intimacy and commitment in marriage.
6. What God says about love between a man and woman.
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About the Speaker: Co-editor NIV Marriage Devotional Bible, Co-director
Center for Relationship Development, Seattle Pacific University, Licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist, best selling author (including Saving Your
Marriage Before It Starts), national speaker, and seminar leader.
CCOU 202:‘I’m in love!’ Dating and Preparing for Marriage
I. Introduction
with Dr. Leslie Parrot
“I’m in Love!: Dating and Preparing for Marriage
CCOU 304
II. Compulsion for Completion: The misconception that the person I’m in
love with should make me whole.
We believe another human being can complete us and this is the biggest lie.
“If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the
hard work of getting whole on your own, all of your relationships become an
attempt to complete yourself, and they will fall disappointingly flat.”
A. A-Frame relationships -- over-dependence- a person will make me
whole.
B. Optimal relationships -- inter-dependent- we depend and love each
other but we are whole separate beings.
C. We must all find our wholeness in Christ.
You need to get yourself healthy, before you get married.
III. Keeping Family Ties from Pulling Strings:
A. Personal Ten Commandments
B. Unspoken Rules (we carry rules that we have learned from our
families and the other person has no clue about)
C. Identify and understand “introjects” (our families inject in us our
patterns for life)
D. Identify and understand “unconscious role expectations” (our families
have given us a script of the things a person will do if they truly love
you)
E. This is the way our families wired us to receive and perceive love.
IV. What’s Love Got to Do with It?
A. Triangular theory of love:
CCOU 304
(Draw the triangle here to help you remember.)
B. Passion: Biological side of love (chemical reaction); it’s not all there
is in love. You can’t expect to have passion every day (our culture
creates this expectation),
C. Intimacy: Emotional side of love; soul-to-soul connection.
D. Commitment: Cognitive side of love (it is the foundation of love). It’s
not based on how I feel, the hormones, but on a decision.
E. God’s Definition of love: (1 Corinthians 13:4-13)
CCOU 202: Study Questions
1.) Have you done the hard work of making sure you are whole (in
Christ)? In what ways or areas do you still feel incomplete? In what
ways might you be looking to another person to complete you? How
do you see your relationship with Christ affecting you as a whole or
incomplete person?
Passion Intimacy
Commitment
CCOU 304
2) How much have you discussed the differences in your family
practices with your intended? What difference can you and your
intended identify between his upbringing and your upbringing? What
difference can you identify in terms of role expectations? Holiday
traditions? Raising children? Table manners? Handling finances?
Celebrating birthdays?
3) Have you already experienced any conflicts over “unconscious role
expectations” in your relationship with each other? Describe these
conflicts and try to identify how the things at issue relate back to
differing practices in your families.
4) How have you learned (from your own family) that a husband shows
love for his wife? What kinds of things do you expect your future
husband to do to show that he loves you? How do you expect your
future husband to communicate in order to show you that he loves
you? Have you shared these expectations with your intended? What
does he expect from his future wife that will show love for him?
Discuss.
CCOU 304
5.) If you had to rate yourself and your intended right now on a scale of
1-10 for each of the three sides of the triangle of love what would you
rate yourself and your intended for each:
I would rate my passion at 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
I would rate his passion at 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
I would rate my intimacy at 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
I would rate his intimacy at 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
I would rate my commitment at 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
I would rate his commitment at 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
How are you and your intended preparing for the ebb and flow every
marriage goes through?
Bibliography/Reading List:
Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts
Les & Leslie Parrott. Relationships
Les & Leslie Parrott. Relationships Workbook
Bill & Lyndi McCartney & Connie Neal. Sold Out Two-Gether
Henry Cloud & John Townsend. Boundaries in Marriage
Gary Thomas. Sacred Marriage
Joshua Harris. Boy Meets Girl
