LIBERTY UNIVERSITY JOHN W. RAWLINGS SCHOOL OF DIVINITY
Christian Family Counseling
A Paper Submitted to
the Faculty of the School of Divinity
in Candidacy for the Degree of
Doctor of Education in Christian Leadership (Ed. D) Department of Christian Leadership and
Church Ministries
By
Mary Gracias
Lynchburg, Virginia
5/2022
Christian Family Counseling - Our Most Important Ministry
Christian family counseling often starts with a simple wakeup call. For me, it was when I slipped
into my son's room late one evening as I arrived home from work so that I could give him a
goodnight snuggle and a kiss only to find him wide awake hunkered down under the covers.
"Hey Dad, it's Wednesday!" my 12 year old said. "Tonight was our date night, Dad! You forgot!"
Somewhere between the deadlines, the donors and the to-do lists, I'd forgotten the most
important responsibility God had entrusted to me, that of my family. It had been weeks since
my wife and I had a date together, just the two of us - without our work worlds on the agenda -
and I knew things needed to change and change fast. Instead of focusing on work, I needed to
focus on my family and let them know they were just as important as my work.
Christian Family Counseling - A Story that Repeats Itself
Why do many families need Christian family counseling? Well, we set out to meet our work
goals and somehow in the midst of our work, we forget that waiting at home is that young boy
hoping to play catch, that teenage girl who needs to talk about boys, or that spouse that needs
to be treated with all the attention we used to give her when we were dating.
Why does it happen? How does it happen? How can you prevent it from happening to you? And
why do we feel like we need to work so long and hard?
Recently, I met with a ministry leader for coffee. In between sips of Starbuck's, the truth about
his family came out -- as it has so many times before with other ministry leaders. The leader I
was meeting with told me the real story of where things were with his ministry. You see, the
ministry was doing wonderfully well, it was his family that was suffering, and so much so that
he ended up stepping aside temporarily to focus on them until things turned around. I was glad
he had decided to do this, but surprised that I'd seen another scenario where ministry had
edged out a leader's family.
Nobel Prize winning Harvard biologist Dr. George Wald has some thoughts: "What one really
needs is not the Nobel laureate but love. How do you think one gets to be a Nobel laureate?
Wanting love, that's how. Wanting it so bad one works all the time and ends up a Nobel
laureate. It's a consolation prize. What matters is love."
Let me ask you this, if we were sitting at that Starbucks near your house and talking over our
day, could I ask you a pretty personal question? What's the Nobel Prize you're striving for? Is it
possible that the prize you're striving for has edged out your precious family or that spouse you
were madly in love with during your courtship days? They need some of your best time, not just
your leftover time.
Well, before the Starbucks gets cold and we've both gotta run, if it's time for a bit of a re-
balancing of ministry and family, here are some ideas to jump start your thinking and help you
get back on track. Got a pen? Jot 'em down on your napkin.
Christian Family Counseling - Craft a Family Mission Statement
When it comes to Christian family counseling, it's just as important to be intentional as a family
as it is to do so where you work. We wanted our family to be on the same page as to why we
were here on earth and what principles would govern our time together. We wanted a grid for
decision-making and conflict to pass through. Need a head start? Here's ours:
Our family is going through life's journey together, growing roots in Christ and wings for our
mission, becoming equipped to make a difference in our world by learning to live like Jesus, for
Jesus and in Jesus.
Christian Family Counseling - Family Mission Statement Tips
Carve out time for your family each week - in advance. Put it on your calendar. Stop saying you
have got to get 'one more thing done' before you leave for home. Plan your week with specific
ending times and stick to them.
Jettison things from your schedule that aren't important. March to the mission that Jesus
called you to, not the mission others want you to do for them. Be ruthless here! If your work
situation requires constant excessive hours to get the job done, it's time to evaluate other ways
to accomplish the task. You can't accomplish the mission of the organization single-handedly, so
stop trying! Pray for the Lord to send workers into your harvest field and then sit back and
watch Him go to work. Pray for supernatural results from the time you do put into your day,
then go home and be a minister to the other mission field God gave to you - your family. If
you're a leader of others, have people actually write into their job descriptions the need to be
committed to their family and specifically how they will do this.
Develop an activity together with your family as a whole and/or with individual family
members. Maybe it's hiking, a date at Denny's for breakfast on Saturday, or coffee with your
spouse where you pray together for your day. As you do this, remember that those teachable
moments are almost like 'intentional accidents;' they happen, but not always because you
planned them. So be sure to plan large quantities of time throughout the year so they'll have a
chance to occur.
Create a spiritual 'life development plan' for each of your kids, outlining their strengths, their
areas for improvement and your plans to shape their character as they grow up under your
care. Our children are arrows that are being sent to a world that we will never fully see. It's our
job to shape them into arrows that will fly straight and travel the distance to the kingdom
target that God has intended for them.
Schedule a date night of at least an hour once a week ... with each child and your spouse
where you just focus on them. It doesn't have to be expensive -- time alone is the critical
ingredient here. When our budget has been tight, I've had this time in my backyard with my
son.
When you're traveling, send emails or postcards back to your family. Call them on the phone
and pray with them in addition to chatting.
At the end of each day, ask your kids or spouse these three questions:
"What happened today that you're proud of?"
"What happened today that you wish you could do over?"
"Where did you see God in your day today?"
Christian Family Counseling - Make Some Changes Now!
When I speak to men about being a dad at Christian family counseling seminars, I ask them to
call out words that define the memory of their fathers. Many words that are called out are
negative words -- words like, 'absent,' 'domineering,' and 'detached.' If your children were
asked to call out words today that defined your parenting, or if your spouse was reviewing your
life at your funeral service, what words would they use? If you're not happy with what words
are echoing around in your head, it's time to make some changes in how you're leading your
family. And by the way, if you're the man in your family, make sure you're not abdicating all the
work of leading your family to your wife; the role of leadership is not designed to be shouldered
solely by her. Get involved! I love how Eugene Petersen in "The Message" puts it, "Exploit or
abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air...." (Proverbs 11:29).
