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Navigating Divorce Counseling
Mary M. Fagan
Department of Psychology, Liberty University
CCOU 201: Introduction to Christian Counseling
Professor C. Tharp
July 29, 2024
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Navigating Divorce Counseling
Most people utilize marriage and family counseling when things are going south in their
lives, specifically their intimate relationships. However, this action is not always a ‘saving
grace.’ Often, people still choose divorce even after attempting preventative counseling. Even
the most amicable of divorces are not easy. Divorce is an arduous journey for all parties
involved, especially when children are thrown into the mix. Despite the path clients choose to
embark on, counseling through the process is essential to healing these wounds. This paper
overviews the process of divorce counseling, the theories that Christian counselors could utilize,
and the techniques to help the counseling process.
How Does God View Divorce?
Divorce was never meant to be the goal. However, it has become a more common
outcome. There are several references to divorce and marriage throughout the Bible. Moses
allowed the Pharisees to order a divorce certificate for their wives out of their hard-heartedness.
However, that was never meant to be so (English Standard Version Bible [ESVB], 2001/2016,
Matthew 19:7-8). In the following verse, it is said that in the eyes of God, if one divorces for any
reason other than sexual immorality, they have committed adultery (ESVB, 2001/2016, Matthew
19:9). It is iterated throughout the Bible that what God has brought together to let no man
separate (ESVB, 2001/2016, Matthew 19:6). Even for those who are unequally yoked, it is
advised for them to remain married since the unbeliever is made holy through their spouse
(ESVB, 2001/2016, 1 Corinthians 7:10-16). The English Standard Version Bible (2001/2016)
translation does not exclusively say “for I hate divorce” as it does in other translations from
Malachi 2:16; instead, it says that the man who hates and divorces his wife has committed an act
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of violence against her. All-in-all, marriage is meant to be holy and sacred. However, there are
terms in which divorce is allowed, though divorce does not please God.
How Divorce Impacts Clients
Divorce is not a decision that is taken lightly. A great deal of consideration goes into the
decision to dissolve a marriage. There are a plethora of negative effects that cascade from
divorce. Some are positive, but most studies have found the negative effects to be most
prevalent. To understand how to counsel someone through a divorce better, one must understand
the impact it has on the individual.
Community Support
“It takes a village” comes to mind when discussing informal help. Informal help is a form
of community support (Ramaekers et al., 2023) and has been shown to either increase or
decrease divorce rates based on the individual divorcee and their situation. Examples of informal
help are watching children, cleaning the house, and other menial tasks (Ramaekers et al., 2023)
in which support is provided to the recipient; hence, “it takes a village.” A divorcee's social
network typically becomes smaller post-divorce, and therefore, helping is decreased (Ramaekers
et al., 2023). Aside from the lack of support, divorcees often experience a decline in their mental
and physical well-being (Ramaekers et al., 2023), which can also decrease helping. Many factors
can affect a divorcee's well-being, such as the change in access to healthcare, the financial
challenge of upholding their pre-divorce lifestyle, and the loss of companionship and support
from their spouse (Ramaekers et al., 2023).
In the church, many have their own thoughts and opinions on divorce. Spouses who
divorce due to domestic violence are often accepted and taken in due to the circumstances.
Others have been shunned, spurned, and ridiculed for this choice to divorce. The congregation's
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actions can inadvertently affect the divorcee. The church was meant to be a place to convene and
be in the presence of God with others. Many divorcees lose their church community due to
choosing to divorce. Other times, some church communities see that divorcees need their help
the most during this time in their lives and bring them closer with love, grace, and prayers.
Divorce from Different Perspectives
Divorce also carries a different meaning from different perspectives of family members.
The weight of divorce differs for women/mothers, men/fathers, and children.
Children
Children often do not get a vote in the marital dissolution decision (Markoç, 2023). Many
parents stay together “for the children,” which can create more friction in the home and be less
beneficial for children in the short and long term. Children who go through parental divorce
often suffer a change in custodial structure (Markoç, 2023). Most parents are unable to fulfill
their parenting obligations due to the shift from pre-divorce life to post-divorce (Markoç, 2023).
However, in some situations, introducing a new spouse and a healthy family structure can bring
about positive changes in a child (Markoç, 2023).
Women/Mothers
For women, divorce greatly impacts their quality of life. Due to gender inequality in pay,
women tend to work more for less pay and still maintain domestic responsibilities in the home
(Markoç, 2023). For women who previously shared domestic responsibilities and expenses,
divorce can introduce new burdens, such as financial hardship and difficulties in parenting
responsibilities (Markoç, 2023). Consequently, women may experience depressive effects
following divorce (Markoç, 2023). Despite facing more economic challenges, women generally
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report higher life satisfaction after a divorce than men (Markoç, 2023) and typically remarry at
lower rates than men (Markoç, 2023).
Men/Fathers
Though men typically see little to no decline in their quality-of-life post-divorce, for men
with children, courts tend to rule in positive favor of the mothers (Markoç, 2023). It is possible to
identify five distinct post-divorce father roles: the rejected father, the father with limited access
to his children, the happy father, the absent father, and the solo father (Markoç, 2023). The
rejected father role is established when the mother persistently tries to remove the father from the
child’s life (Markoç, 2023). Fathers who have limited access to their children typically meet the
financial fulfillment (Markoç, 2023); however, the time they spend with their children is dictated
by the mother (Markoç, 2023) and/or the court system. In high-conflict divorces, this can equate
to little or no time with their children. Happy fathers exhibit a positive co-parenting relationship
with the child’s mother and have unlimited access to their children (Markoç, 2023). Absent
fathers do not attempt to communicate with their children (Markoç, 2023). Lastly, solo fathers
are parenting independently and typically rely on familial and community support (Markoç,
2023). Fathers who do not have custodial rights for their children experience symptoms such as
long-term stress, lack of social support, insomnia, and lacking energy (Markoç, 2023).
Christian Counseling Theory
Christian counselors are essential and key in counseling through the aftermath of divorce.
Especially in high-conflict divorces and separations, Christian counselors should serve as family
counselors, co-parenting counselors, and individual counselors (Schmidt & Grigg, 2023). In
cases involving children, counselors should be present in the school setting (Schmidt & Grigg,
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2023). Counseling in these capacities presents the best chance for families to establish a peaceful
coexistence boundary with minimal damage to all parties involved.
Cognitive-Behavioral Theory
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) theory, which is rooted in the cognitive model of
psychopathology, suggests that perceptions of events are what influence people’s emotions,
physiological reactions, and behavior (Sokol & Fox, 2019, p. 1). According to the CBT model,
situations do not dictate people's emotions or actions. Instead, it is their perception of these
situations that influence their reactions (Sokol & Fox, 2019, p. 1). The way one perceives
specific situations is influenced by one's fundamental beliefs about oneself, the world, and
others. These core beliefs function as filters, skewing our interpretation and understanding of
situations (Sokol & Fox, 2019, p. 10).
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is tailored to individual situations, such as anxiety,
depression, substance abuse, etcetera. In the realm of divorce counseling, the focus of treatment
should be goal-oriented (Sokol & Fox, 2019, p. 187). Dr. Meadors (n.d.) lays out six goals for
divorce counseling. The first goal is to help clients to evaluate their situation from a realistic lens
(Meadors, n.d.). Second, the counselor should aim to facilitate conversation on the biblical
teachings of divorce (Meadors, n.d.). Third, expectations and the desires of counseling should be
discussed (Meadors, n.d.). Fourth, the counselor should assist couples in admitting and
confessing to themselves, each other, and God their sinful ways and in changing their sinful
actions and attitudes (Meadors, n.d.). Fifth, the counselor should encourage the counselees to
keep things cordial and civil, especially if children are present (Meadors, n.d.). Finally, the sixth
goal is to provide discussion of the effects of divorce on children and the family structure, how to
not use children manipulatively, and to not force children to choose sides (Meadors, n.d.).
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Christian Family/Relationship Therapy Theory
In Richard Poon’s (2022) reflection piece “Reflections on Doing Counseling and
Christian Family Therapy”, he looks back on his years of facilitating counseling and Christian
therapy. In this, he proposes a Christian theory of family and relationship therapy (Poon, 2022).
Using a holistic approach, counselors utilizing this theory will help counselees understand
themselves and then one another (Poon, 2022). This is modeled by one counselee explaining
their history. At the same time, the other counselee actively listens to understand better the
counselee who is speaking. They then swap so that the other counselee is speaking while the
other listens attentively (Poon, 2022). Several questions are explored in this method: “Does
being Christian make a difference for the parties?”, “What does the Bible say about the issue?”,
“What and How would God be pleased for them to do?” and “Are the parties willing to choose
the Spirit in their relationships?” (Poon, 2022). Lastly, the counselor will implore the counselees
to discover how they may complement and enhance one another (Poon, 2022).
Christian Counseling Techniques
Cognitive Restructuring
Typically used by cognitive-behavioral family therapists, cognitive restructuring helps
family members identify and challenge their distorted inner thoughts and family problems and
replace these dysfunctional thoughts with more realistic and rational beliefs (Tan, 2022, p. 385).
Tan (2022) identifies an example of this in her book Counseling and Psychotherapy, in which a
couple that continuously argues may feel like they are failures and will likely end up divorcing.
Through cognitive reconstruction, this couple can change their thoughts about themselves and
realize they have issues that need to be addressed and reconciled effectively (Tan, 2022, p. 385).
Play Therapy
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In children, parental divorce is one of the leading causes of trauma (Schmidt & Grigg,
2023). Play therapy can be an effective solution to helping children resolve this unwanted and
unexpected disruption to their daily lives (Schmidt & Grigg, 2023). Utilizing pretend play allows
children a safe place to work out inner conflicts, a place in which they are in control (Haen,
2020). Some benefits of imaginative play in trauma-focused therapy are the ability to express
and process challenging experiences, integrate traumatic memories, manage fears, enhance self-
efficacy, and deepen their understanding of oneself and others (Haen, 2020).
Going in Grace
Those who are going through the divorce process are not in any less need of counseling.
If anything, this time in life would be when they need it most. As a Christian counselor, it is
imperative that one understands the impacts divorce has on an individual and the family
structure. Choosing the best theory and techniques to utilize are on an individual basis and
should be considered with the whole-person approach. We are not called to judge (ESVB,
2001/2016, Matthew 7:2), but rather to serve (ESVB, 2001/2016, Matthew 20:28).
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References
English Standard Version Bible. (2016). Crossway Bibles. https://www.esv.org/ (Original work
published 2001)
Haen, C. (2020, February 11). The roles of metaphor and imagination in child trauma treatment.
Journal of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Psychotherapy, 19(1), 42–55.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15289168.2020.1717171
Markoç, İ. (2023). Feeling like home again: After divorce processes from different family
perspective. Journal of Family, Counseling and Education., 7(2), 55–72.
https://doi.org/10.32568/jfce.1175330
Meadors, K. (n.d.). Counseling theories & techniques. CiteSeerX.
https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?
repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=0da8d1e15bdcc7c6610e4ffa7d8a6f58442bb699
Poon, V. H. (2022). Reflections on doing counseling and Christian family therapy. The Journal
of Pastoral Care & Counseling., 76(4), 304–306.
https://doi.org/10.1177/15423050221117760
Ramaekers, M. J. M., Verbakel, E., Kraaykamp, G., & van der Lippe, T. (2023). More or less
help? A longitudinal investigation of positive and negative consequences of divorce for
informal helping. Community, Work & Family., 1–16.
https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2023.2183786
Schmidt, C. D., & Grigg, J. (2023). Counseling high conflict: Navigating the complexities of
high conflict divorce. The Family Journal., 32(1), 71–80.
https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807231173689
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Sokol, L., & Fox, M. G. (2019). The comprehensive clinician’s guide to cognitive behavioral
therapy. PESI Publishing & Media.
https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/reader.action?docID=6260922#
Tan, S.-Y. (2022, April 19). Counseling and psychotherapy: A Christian perspective (2nd ed.).
Baker Academic. https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/reader.action?
docID=6946960&ppg=1
