AGE-GRADED MILESTONES IN GENDER DEVELOPMENT
1. Intrinsic gender and temperament
Research seems to suggest that newborns come with a neurophysiological
package of “gender stuff” that provides an internal anchor for their preferences—
including (at least) gender identity and sexual orientation, and perhaps temperamental
characteristics, such as activity level, aggression, effortful control, and emotional
reactivity. These internal anchors and expressive preferences seem to be part of an
individual’s core identity. Scientists are not exactly sure what determines these intrinsic
anchors; so far evidence suggests both genetic influences (e.g., as seen in twin
studies, which find that sexual orientation and sexual non-conformity run in families;
Van Beijsterveldt, Hudziak, & Boomsma, 2006) and the influence of the prenatal
environment (e.g., maternal levels of androgens, antibodies to male hormones;
Cohen-Bendahan, van de Beek, & Berenbaum, 2005).
Although each individual’s core identity likely exhibits some degree of
malleability, which may make it easier for children to conform to society’s dictates,
LGBTQ+ advocates and parents of gender-expansive children are rock-solid on one
thing: These core identities are often clear to children and they cannot be ignored,
subverted, or transformed through external pressures (Besser et al., 2006). Moreover,
it violates children’s rights as humans, when parents or other members of society
attempt to do so.
2. Gender awareness
At about age 2-3, toddlers’ cognitive development allows them to begin to
create representational categories to organize their conceptual thinking about the
world. Gender is one of these categories. The ability to classify oneself as male or
female is called “gender awareness.” Children’s biological and sexual profiles are built
during conception and prenatal development, so they are typically assigned a
biological sex at birth, but before toddlers develop the cognitive capacity to categorize,
they are blissfully unaware of their gender. Although they have likely been receiving
differential treatment from family members since they were born, it is not until they are
able to recognize this category and apply it to themselves, that gender becomes
psychologically real. Once small children become aware of gender categories, they
begin taking notes about the differences between people in these two categories:
names, colors, toys, jewelry, clothes, hair length, voices, behavior, and so on. Gender
malleability. When “gender awareness” emerges during early childhood, a key part of
the gender schema young children construct includes the notion that any gender
categories that they observe are malleable. Because small children in the
preoperational stage of cognitive development are not capable of inferring the
essential underlying characteristics of gender (just as they cannot infer the defining
characteristics of other categories, like animate objects), they see gender assignments
as temporary and changeable. Most young children believe that a person can change
from female to male (or vice versa) by cutting their hair or changing their clothes. Little
boys often report that they will grow up to be Moms with babies in their tummies; little
girls that they will grow up to be Dads. Many adults can remember this state of
awareness. For example, one of our students told us about her preschool class in
which all the 4-year-olds were boys; she thought that when she turned 4, she would
also become a boy. She was looking forward to the transformation, the same way
children look forward to getting taller or older or better at riding a bike.
Because many children discuss their desires (and plans) to cross gender lines,
parents of gender-non-conforming or transgender children often see these kinds of
declarations as a “phase” that children will get over. Parents cannot easily tell when
children’s statements reflect real underlying convictions that they do not internally
identify with the gender roles or expressions that have been assigned to them.
However, some gender variant or transgender adults report that their real gender
identity was already very clear to them at this age, and parents of such children also
confirm that their children were letting them know through word and deed. In fact, the
clarity and insistence on a gender variant identity at such a young age (and in the face
of such enormous pressure to conform) provides some of the most convincing
evidence that children come pre-loaded with their own gender and sexual orientation.
At the same time, this narrative does not describe the only pathway. Some gender
variant adults report that it was not until they were much older (and sometimes with
the aid of therapeutic support) that they were able to understand what was/is
happening to them in terms of gender identity and development.
Gender expression. The specific gender differences that show up in a child’s
gender schema at this age depend on the local social context that the child
experiences, which is why many parents decide to minimize young children’s exposure
to gender-stereotypes . At the same time, for parents who do expect their children to
conform to cultural prescriptions for gender-typical dress, toys, and activities, this is
the age at which some parents of gender non-conforming or gender- variant children
may begin to notice that their child has not gotten the cultural memo. Parents report
unease about their boys’ exploration of female-stereotyped clothes (such as dresses,
tutus, tiaras), accessories (such as high heels, purses, barrettes), toys (especially dolls
and doll clothes), and colors—which is why these children have sometimes been
dubbed “pink boys.”
Note that there has been no parallel study of “blue girls,” because tomboys do
not as frequently alarm their parents at this age. Girls who play with masculine toys
often do not face the same ridicule from adults or peers that boys face when they want
to play with feminine toys (Leaper, 2015). Girls also face less ridicule when playing a
masculine role (like doctor) as opposed to a boy who wants to take a feminine role
(like caregiver). For an interesting segment on CNN, see “Why girls can be boyish but
boys can’t be girlish.” As explained by Padawer (2012), “That’s because girls gain
status by moving into “boy” space, while boys are tainted by the slightest whiff of
femininity. ‘There’s a lot more privilege to being a man in our society,’ says Diane
Ehrensaft, a psychologist at the University of California, San Francisco, who supports
allowing children to be what she calls gender creative. ‘When a boy wants to act like
a girl, it subconsciously shakes our foundation, because why would someone want to
be the lesser gender?’ Boys are up to seven times as likely as girls to be referred to
gender clinics for psychological evaluations. Sometimes the boys’ violation is as mild
as wanting a Barbie for Christmas. By comparison, most girls referred to gender clinics
are far more extreme in their atypicality: they want boy names, boy pronouns and,
sometimes, boy bodies.”
3. Gender constancy
When children reach the concrete operational stage of cognitive development
(between ages 5 and 7), they are able to infer that, according to societal dictates, the
essential defining feature of maleness and femaleness is, traditionally, based on
genitalia. This is also the age at which children are able to infer the inverse principle:
If genitalia dictate gender, then all males by necessity have penises and all females
have vaginas–which they are often happy to announce at Kindergarten or in other
public places. Following from this discovery, children also begin to grasp the fact that
their assignment into gender categories is permanent, unchangeable, or constant.
The realization that one is a life-time member of the “boys club” or the “girls club”
typically leads to greater interest and more focus on the membership requirements for
their particular club. In stereotyped social contexts, children’s attitude toward
conformity to “gender-appropriate” markers may shift from descriptive to prescriptive,
in which children so highly identify with markers from their own club, that they begin to
denigrate or become repelled by markers of the “wrong” club. These behaviors
become visible in boy’s resistance to being asked to wear “girl colors” or play “girl
games.” It is also noticeable in children’s attempts to enforce these categories on
others—either directly through instructions (“you have to ride a girl’s bike”) and
statements of fact (“this slide is only for boys,”), or indirectly through teasing, taunting,
criticism, and ridicule towards any child who crosses the lines.
For gender-nonconforming children or transgender children, this is an age
where the psychological costs of society’s gender boxes and lines can become
apparent. At this age, children can start to sense (or clearly know) that they have been
permanently assigned to a biological sex that comes with a narrow gender expression
or an eventually gendered- body whose physicality is not consonant with their own
internal needs or identity. If so, then confusion or (more or less strong) feelings of
gender dissonance may emerge. In the clinical literature, these feelings are sometimes
labeled “gender dysphoria” to indicate the sadness and desperation that children may
feel when they realize that they have been permanently assigned to the “wrong”
gender expression, gender identity, and/or biological sex. Parents of gender non-
conforming children. Gender non-conforming children may be more or less clear about
why they need to explore the “middle space,” but some parents are just confused.
Most of us have been fully socialized in the current gender curriculum and so any
activity outside those lines and boxes may seem deeply “wrong” or even “unnatural.”
That is always the way with strong societal norms. In the 1800s, if a woman showed
a glimpse of ankle, she was considered to be immoral; in the 1920s, women wearing
pants and short hair were seen as “unnatural;” in the 1960s, boys whose hair touched
their collars were suspended from school.
Gender non-conforming children provide their adults with the opportunity and
motivation to improve society in ways that are more positive for everyone. The need
that all children have for their parents’ full love and support encourages adults to grow
outside of their comfort zones, and to develop into better parents. As Brill and Pepper
(2008) point out, “It takes courage to follow the path of love.” They provide many good
strategies and resources for parents who are trying to follow this path. They point out
that some of parents’ reluctance can be based on their fear of others looking down on
them and criticizing their parenting. We think that many parents can relate to this fear—
even in little ways, such as when a child throws a fit in the store or we are called into
school for a child’s infraction. We are worried that our parenting is inadequate or that
others will think we are inferior parents. That is one important reason why Brill and
Pepper (2008) insist that parents get support for themselves (from therapists or groups
of like-minded parents) so the they will be able in turn to provide acceptance and
support for their children. Some of the reluctance of parents of transgender children
can be based in grief over the loss of their previous child. We think that many parents
can also relate to this feeling—when we look at photos of our children as babies and
young children, we miss those darling little versions of our children. At the same time,
we know that they are still there in the core identity of our older children. And parents
of gender variant children can be comforted with the idea that the essence of their
child, their child’s core, is still there, and still intact. Most parents also feel vindicated
when they see their child’s distress and depression lift (some children are actually
suicidal), and watch them bloom in their new affirmed identity, showing joy and delight
in the free expression of their authentic selves.
4. Gender latency
A fourth major developmental milestone takes place during middle childhood,
sometimes referred to as the “latency” stage or phase, and loosely modeled after
Freud’s description of children’s psychosexual stages. During this period (about ages
8 or 9 until puberty), children seem to be less active in working out issues explicitly
connected to gender or sexual identity. In general, children seem to be more mellow
or laid back about the whole “gender thing,” largely recognizing that scripts about
gender-appropriate signifiers (like colors, behaviors, or activities) are societal
conventions and not true moral issues. At this age, children seem to relax their
enforcement of gender rules and the “yuckiness” of the opposite sex begins to fade.
Many gender variant children, during this period, also seem to relax, maybe deciding
that non-conformity is more trouble than it is worth, and so (at least temporarily)
adopting conventional signifiers that are more aligned with their biological sex.
For parents who are worried about the effects of hetero-normative gender stereotypes,
it can feel like your child has made it safely through the gender curriculum and come
out whole on the other side. For parents who are worried about their gender-
nonconforming children, it can also feel like the “problem” has been solved and it was
(after all) just a phase.
5. Puberty and the gender police
A fifth major milestone in gender development is ushered in by puberty, which
usually starts between ages 10-12 for girls and between ages 12-14 for boys. The
reality of biological changes in both primary and secondary sexual characteristics
seems to trigger a major shift, not only in children’s neurophysiology, but also in their
psychological systems and social relationships. When puberty strikes, the issue of
what it means to be male and female in this historical moment seems to come to center
stage, and teenagers in middle school and early high school seem to be trying to enact
and rigidly enforce all of society’s current stereotypes about gender. This process is
labeled “gender intensification” and it will be more or less “intense” depending on the
local culture, their stereotypes, and the rigidity with which they are viewed.
Gender intensification. This is the moment at which adolescents seem to want
to wring any gender variation out of themselves and their peers, and this goes for kids
who vary on expression, identity, sexual orientation, and transgender status—which
basically includes everyone. So pressure is exerted on girls to look and act more like
girls—and we see girls try to bring themselves into line with cultural stereotypes about
the value of beauty through increased use of make-up, clothes, and hairstyles as well
as through a focus on diet, exercise, and eating disorders; we also see normative
losses in self-esteem as girls find themselves unable to reach these idealized female
appearances and increasingly internalize a negative body image. The pressure that is
exerted on boys to look and act like boys can be observed as boys try to bring
themselves into line with cultural stereotypes about the value of power, through
adolescents’ increased use of aggression and bullying, boys’ frequent lapses into
silence, as well as increased focus on body building and the abuse of steroids. Both
genders are at risk for commodifying the opposite sex—girls can regard “boyfriends”
as status objects just as boys can regard girls as sexual targets. Perhaps surprisingly,
the local external pressures to adhere to societal gender stereotypes seem to originate
largely within gender, in that girls tighten the screws on other girls to conform whereas
boys are the ones who are pressuring other boys. During early adolescence, some
researchers refer to the phase of gender intensification as a period that is run by the
“gender police.” It is important to note that the gender harassment and bullying that is
still so common in schools and neighborhoods is often aimed at heterosexual youth
who do not conform to societal boxes and lines, such as late-maturing boys who are
small, slight, and shy. Of course, the further that a child strays over gender lines, the
more they are likely to become targets of harassment and bullying, not only by peers
but also by parents, teachers, and societal institutions.
Gender contraction. In a way this phase could also be referred to as a period
of “gender contraction,” in that some adolescents fall over themselves to jump back
into the boxes and over the lines prescribed by society, especially in terms of gender
expression. However, the onset of puberty also brings additional biological information
to some adolescents, indicating (or verifying) that they may be (or definitely are) gay,
lesbian, bisexual, queer, or transgender. This new information (or clarity) comes at
exactly the same time that the external world brings increased pressure for them to
conform. Such social pressures (and the internal pressures they can create) can
collide with adolescents’ natural sexual urges to create confusion and internal gridlock.
For some youth, when their internal states (biological urges, gender identity, and
sexual orientation) are aligned, they may achieve internal clarity—“Ah-ha, I’m gay (or
lesbian or bisexual)!” Some adults describe this process as “coming out to oneself.”
But for many gender variant youth, external pressure and homophobia can make this
process feel very confusing and dangerous. For these children, their adolescent peers
(and often parents, siblings, and teachers) feel more like “gender Nazis.”
6. Identity development during college and the freedom to explore and expand
For many youth, the full development of an authentic gender identity doesn’t
take place until after high school, which is why the college years are such a common
time for gender confirming and non-conforming youth to be working on issues of
gender identity and sexual orientation. Developmentally, these are good years for
many reasons. In most strata of society, the “gender police” start to fade during mid-
adolescence and, by emerging adulthood, most forms of gender expression are again
viewed as conventions and not as moral prescriptions, so the previously intense
external pressures are often more relaxed (again—depending on local geographical
and religious perspectives).
Youth themselves have newly emerging meta-cognitive capacities to reflect on their
own internalized stereotypes and shame, allowing them to be able to rework for
themselves their own attitudes about gender and sexuality. Because many students
are working on these issues, college is also a place where questioning youth can more
easily find open and understanding social and sexual partners with whom they can
safely explore these issues. Moreover, college campuses can be places that provide
formal resources (e.g., Queer Resource Center, LGBTQ groups) and informal role
models, that encourage youth to discover, liberate, and celebrate their authentic
selves.
Exploration and commitment. During the years of emerging adulthood, many
youth are figuring out that they can create their own narratives about what it means to
be male and female in society. Many will affirm a positive appraisal of their assigned
sex as an anchor of their gender identity, but at the same time accept and enjoy a
wide-ranging set of expressions, activities, and roles that are vastly expanded
compared to societal stereotypes. In fact, increasingly, many will come to view the
“middle space” as occupying pretty much all the space depicting gender roles, so
much so that for many young adults, the issues surrounding biological sex, that is,
being male or female, begin to shrink until gender is a very small, almost incidental,
part of their identity. Of course, young adults often return to these issues and what
