Assignment

Intimate Strangers? Working with Interfaith Couples and Families Reenee Singh London Intercultural Couples Centre at the Child and Family Practice, London

Although intercultural couples are increasingly the norm there is a paucity of systemic literature on working with interfaith couples and families. This paper, based on composite case examples, attempts to address this gap. I use two examples of couples where one partner is South Asian Muslim, to illustrate four inter-related themes that emerged in the process of the work. The themes were: therapists’ positioning, the importance of the wider socio-political context, honour, shame and gendered beliefs, and the family life cycle. I also highlight how embod- ied and non-verbal representational systemic techniques can be used when working with interfaith couples to access domains of relationality, which may be inaccessible to exclusively verbal strategies.

Keywords: couples, families, inter-faith, case examples, systemic

Key Points

1 Multiculturalism in couple relationships is a trend that is set to rise in Western countries but there is a pau- city of literature on how to work systemically with interfaith couples and families.

2 The therapeutic alliance and positioning with both partners of the couple is complex in encounters with intercultural couples and requires the therapist to interrogate her assumptions.

3 The use of rituals, positioning lines, eco-maps, and other visual and non-representational techniques help to shift embodied beliefs that may be hard to access when working with interfaith couples.

Multiculturalism in couple relationships is a trend that is set to rise in Western coun- tries. In the UK, 2.3 million people are living with or married to somebody from a different ethnic group, and one in 10 relationships is intercultural. The figures for London are even higher and it is predicted that by 2030, 50% of people living there will be foreign-born (2011 Census). Similarly, in Australia, as of March 2013, 26% of the national population of 23,263,969 was born overseas (Bhugun, 2016).

In the US, almost four in 10, or 39% of Americans who have married since 2010 have been to those from different religious groups (Murphy, 2015). In the UK, one might hypothesise that if one in 10 relationships in England and Wales is between people of two different ethnic/cultural groups, it is likely that many of these will be interfaith relationships, or between people of two different religious groups.

This surmise gains more credence if one takes into account the 2011 Census, wherein 23,000 people in England and Wales were classified as having ‘mixed reli- gion’ (Miller, 2012), pointing to the possibility of a number of interfaith unions, or ones between partners professing different religions.

Although there is now a growing body of literature on interracial and intercultural cou- ples (see, for example, Bhugun, 2016; Falicov, 1995, 2014; Killian, 2001a, 2001b, 2003, 2008, 2012, 2013; Singh & Dutta, 2010; Seshadri and Knudson, 2013), there is

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correspondingly little that focuses specifically on interfaith couples. One possible reason for this gap is that until recently, the field of religion and spirituality was marginalised in sys- temic therapy (Walsh, 2009).

In one of the few academic publications about interfaith couples, Kellner (2009) draws on clinical examples to illustrate that the very differences that attract interfaith couples to each other can, under conditions of stress, result in distancing as the partners take on polar- ised relational positions. Daneshpour (2009) focuses specifically on the critical existential and relational issues facing intercultural couples where one is Muslim and points to the unique challenges they face, with regard to belief systems and values, gender relationships, time orientations, political views, economics and financial issues, extended family relation- ships, problem-solving, language and communication, and health and stress. He posits that Muslim intercultural couples’ trajectories are more complicated than most and that a reso- lution of the unique challenges they face provides a template for how to live harmoniously across many different types of religious difference.

In this article, I will draw on composite case examples from my clinical work to illustrate the themes and processes that arise when working with interfaith couples. I will summarise some of the most effective systemic techniques that I use in my prac- tice with intercultural couples.

Case Vignette 1: The Gulf of Misunderstanding

Tanvir and Isabella, a professional couple in their early forties, came to see me as they had reached an impasse in their couple relationship, which was affecting their children, Hassan (9) and Rania (6). Tanvir was from a Pakistani Muslim background and Isa- bella was from a Spanish Catholic background. Both were born and brought up in the UK. They had been together for 15 years.

The couple had struggled at many points in their relationship. They had married against considerable parental opposition. Tanvir had wanted Isabella to convert to Islam, but her par- ents, who were staunch Catholics, had refused. Tanvir had agreed to get married in a registry office, but on the day of the wedding, had not been able to rebel against his parents’ wishes and had left Isabella waiting at the registry office, furious. The couple broke up at this point, but got together again, six months later, with Isabella reluctantly agreeing to convert and to bring up the children they planned to have within the Muslim faith.

A few years later, their relationship had almost broken down over Tanvir and his fam- ily insisting on having Hassan circumcised. Isabella, once again, finally gave in. However, in the last six months, things had reached a crisis over Tanvir’s conviction that Isabella was infatuated with his 27-year-old cousin, who was visiting from Pakistan. Isabella denied this vociferously, while admitting that she was going through a ‘midlife crisis’ and needed reassurance about her attractiveness to men. Tanvir secretly installed a CCTV camera in the house and recorded ‘evidence’ of the flirtation between Isabella and Husain (his cousin).

Themes and Processes

Four interrelated enduring themes came up in the process of my work with Tanvir and Isabella, which echo themes found in the literature.

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1. Therapeutic alliance and positioning

Falicov (2014) suggests that the clinical encounter with an intercultural couple requires the clinician to be self-reflexive about their own culture and cultural values. Working with interfaith couples has prompted me to explore what religion and faith meant in my own family. My parents’ marriage was an interfaith one, my father being Sikh – albeit disowned and disinherited by his own father for cutting his hair – and my mother Hindu. Through creating my own spiritual ecogram (Hodge, 2005), I realised the identifying principle (Hardy & Laszloffy, 1995) in my family was that marrying across religious divides is the norm, and that it is possible and even desirable to accept and tolerate your partner’s religious practices.

I sometimes share aspects of my own story with my clients where appropriate. In other cases, I will discuss my dilemmas in positioning myself because of culture, gen- der, religious, and linguistic similarities and differences.

In my work with Tanvir and Isabella, I struggled to position myself. On the one hand, as a woman, I could relate to Isabella’s feelings of powerlessness within a patri- archal extended family system. I felt outraged, on her behalf, that she was subjected to being surveilled by a CCTV camera in her own home. On the other hand, I could understand how torn Tanvir felt between his parents and his wife, and how he felt that his family honour (‘Izzat’) was threatened by what Isabella thought of as a harm- less flirtation. I understood when he used the Urdu word ‘Izzat’ to explain his predicament, and how deeply embedded this value of honour and respect was for Tanvir. My father’s story of being disowned by his own father for rebelling against the Sikh religion by cutting his hair connected me to a sense of how unforgiving some cultural and religious beliefs can be.

2. The wider socio-political and economic context

Tanvir and Isabella met before the terrible happenings of 9/11 in the US and the bombings in London (July 2005). Particularly after Brexit, the couple and their two children experienced racism and Islamophobia, within the school, and even from Isa- bella’s relatives, who viewed Tanvir’s family with hostility and suspicion. In my work with interfaith couples, I try to open up a space where having these difficult conversa- tions is possible. I draw on Killian’s (2013) ideas about particularising the universal and universalising the particular.

For example, in Tanvir and Isabella’s family, how do the wider – universal – dis- courses of Islamophobia impact on their couple and parenting relationship? Isabella poignantly recounted how, as a family, they had stopped watching television during difficult times, as the news reminded them of the religious differences between them, which could become politicised. Similarly, they struggled to understand how they might cope with the (particular) racist bullying that Hassan encountered as located not only within their school contexts but as a symptom of a wider – universal – social malaise? How could they find ways to protect Hassan and intervene in the school sys- tem?

3. Honour, shame, and gendered beliefs

Honour, guilt, and shame have different meanings and are privileged differently in different religions and cultures. Tanvir and Isabella had endured a lot in their couple relationship but the one thing that their love couldn’t conquer was related to a radical

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difference in gendered beliefs and values. Although Tanvir didn’t believe that Isabella had been unfaithful to him, he had lost trust and honour through her actions of shaming him by flirting with a younger member of his extended clan. Isabella could not understand how her actions, which she saw as an expression of her ‘freedom’ as a Western woman, could have such disastrous consequences. The impasse that opened up between them led her to then see Tanvir as the Muslim ‘other’ and her family and friends reinforced her positioning of him as an oppressor. Tanvir fought hard against this description, angry at being stereotyped, and pointing out that he had been liberal throughout their relationship.

I used Ugazio’s (2013) theory of semantic polarities to posit that the couple had grown up with vastly different conversational realities within their extended families and societies. While Tanvir came from a semantic of belonging, which privileged hon- our and exclusion, Isabella came from a semantic of freedom, which valued freedom, exploration, and independence and risk-taking. How could they co-position them- selves and each other within these semantics?

Isabella had hoped that by accepting Tanvir’s version of events as she had by agreeing with the conversion and circumcision, he would eventually capitulate and that they could reconcile their differences. This time, however, Tanvir was impervious to Isabella’s pleas and decided that he wanted to separate. Through our work, the couple began to realise that although they really loved each other, they were not able to continue to compromise on deeply engrained values that left them estranged from their family and friends, but mostly from themselves. They decided to separate amica- bly and continue to co-parent.

4. The family life cycle

Systemic theory posits that symptoms can arise in the transitions between one devel- opmental stage and another, and signal the family’s difficulties in making these transi- tions (McGoldrick, Carter, & Garcia Preto, 2015). With intercultural couples, an added level of conflict can emerge because of a lack of agreement about the meaning of the religious practices of conversion and circumcision. Tanvir and Isabella’s case vignette reflects these periods of stuckness – from being single to becoming a couple, from being a couple to becoming parents.

As therapists working with intercultural couples and families, we can help to design rituals that are culturally appropriate to help families make a transition from one life-cycle stage to another. This process begins by exploring the rituals that are already in place and designing new or innovative rituals that take into account the different cultures and faiths. For example, with Tanvir and Isabella, towards the end of the work, we co-created an ‘exit ritual’ (Imber, Black, & Roberts, 2003), which included talking to the children about the importance of both their religious and cul- tural heritages and then cooking and eating an elaborate meal (which included both Pakistani and Spanish dishes) together as a family. This marked the transition from being a couple to being co-parents.

Systemic Techniques

I use a range of creative, nonverbal, and representational techniques in my work with interfaith couples and families, such as sculpts (Papp, Schneikman, & Malpas, 2013), positioning lines (Campbell, 2008), spiritual ecograms (Hodge, 2005), and emotion

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maps (Gabb & Singh, 2015). These non-verbal techniques possess the power to unlock some of the more profound and inaccessible impasses in interfaith relation- ships, in a way that many of the more explicitly verbal systemic techniques cannot.

Internalised other interviewing (Tomm, 1987) is another powerful technique that can help couples appreciate the pressures from extended family as well as the losses and sacrifices that their partners may have had to endure, in order to be with each other. It can help couples empathise deeply with racism and injustices that one partner may have to endure, and how the other partner may feel helpless and/or protective.

In the case vignette below, I describe the use of positioning line (Campbell, 2008) with an interfaith family.

Case Vignette 2 – Being Juslim/Jewslim

Juslim family figure 1

The Cohen family comprised Mathew, his wife Tasneem, and their children, Azra (21), Iqbal (19), Mumtaz (12), and Rafiq (7) (see Figure 1). Mathew is English–Jewish and Tasneem is Bangladeshi–Muslim. The presenting problem was concerns about the two older children, who were finding it difficult to leave home. My work with the family com- prised working with the couple/parenting subsystem as well as with the sibling subsystem and then bringing them together as a family. During one of the family therapy sessions, which coincided with the period of Ramadan (a month of fasting leading up to the Mus- lim festival of Eid), I explored who in the family was fasting. Azra, who was fasting part of the time, described herself as ‘Juslim’ and I took this is as a cue to ask the family to engage in a positioning exercise (Campbell & Huffington, 2008). I invited them to stand up, and to position themselves on an imaginary line, where one end represented ‘Not at all Muslim’ and the other ‘Very Muslim’ (see Figure 2). I then asked each of them to speak from their positions about why they had chosen that particular position.

Muslim family figure 2

Tasneem positioned herself as way ahead of the others and said that she had chosen this position as she was born a Muslim and, unlike the others, believed in God. However, she had been careful not to wear her ‘Bangladeshi’ clothes after 9/11 so that she was not iden- tified as a Muslim. The two girls followed next, suggesting a gendered divide within the family, in the practice of Islam. Mathew positioned himself after the girls and explained

Matthew

53

Tasneem

50

Azra

21

Iqbal

19

Ra�iq

7

Mumtaz

12

“Juslim”

FIGURE 1

Being ‘Juslim’/‘Jewslim’.

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that he had converted to Islam. His conversion represented a way of ‘respecting’ Tasneem’s family, just as the children not bringing their boyfriends home or hiding the bottles of wine in the house, was a way of respecting Tasneem’s religion and culture. Mumtaz said that although she did identify as Muslim in school, she was viewed as ‘not Muslim enough’ by some of the Muslim girls, who fasted throughout Ramadan. Iqbal was last and described himself as an atheist.

Jewish family figure 3

I then asked the family to position themselves on a line where one end represented ‘Very Jewish’ and the other end represented ‘Not at all Jewish’. The Cohens said that in posi- tioning themselves, they were also thinking in relation to their wider, extended family, some of whom were far more observant than they were. Mathew was first, followed sur- prisingly by Tasneem. Tasneem said that she had been brought up to respect every religion and enjoyed being a Jewish ‘Mama’! However, she sometimes felt marginalised by Math- ew’s family as she – and her children – were not considered ‘truly Jewish’. Azra, who was fascinated by religion and theology, went next. She talked about how much she enjoyed being ‘Juslim’ except at times when there was conflict between Israel and Palestine and she then found it hard to know how to respond to some members of her Jewish extended fam- ily. She spoke about the richness of having a dual religious and cultural heritage. Iqbal was last – positioning himself as only culturally, but not religiously, Jewish.

Discussion

The case vignette of the Juslim family illustrates the possibilities of embracing and inte- grating religious differences within a family. Using the positioning exercise seemed to help the family to grapple with the nuances of their differences, not only between one member of the family and another, but also between their family unit and the wider family. It brought up the importance of the political landscape, and the effect acts of ter- rorism can have on how liberal Muslims are perceived within British society.

Both the case vignettes drawn on this article are ones where one of the partners/ parents is South Asian Muslim. This may simply be a reflection of the minority eth- nic demographics in the UK where Muslims currently represent the second largest religious group and make up 4.8% of the population (2011 Census). It may also be a consequence of a self-selecting referral process; I myself am South Asian and this may

Not at all Muslim

Matt hew

53 Tasneem

50

A zra

21 Ra�iq

7 M umtaz

12 Iqbal

19

Very Muslim

FIGURE 2

How Muslim are you?

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itself be a significant factor in attracting referrals from many South Asian families and intercultural couples where one is South Asian. Although my clients come from dif- ferent religious backgrounds, in this paper, I chose to focus on issues where one part- ner is Muslim, because, to my mind, these case vignettes capture the complexity of working with religious differences, both between the couple and between both the couple and the therapist. In the current climate of global prejudice and Islamophobia, I am hoping that this paper will help clinicians to explore and unpack some of the issues when working with interfaith Muslim couples. However, not being from a Muslim background myself, I am mindful of the pitfalls of how I represent the ‘Other.’ (Kitzinger & Wilkinson, 1996).

In presenting two vignettes with completely different outcomes, I hope I have illustrated that just as some religious differences can be reconciled, others can be intractable and can render partners intimate strangers to each other. Krause and Miller (1995) offer a double description of culture, where culture is both a template that is sometimes beyond awareness, as well as a changing, fluid body of ideas. My experience in working with interfaith couples supports a double description of faith. The differences that are fixed can present ‘gulfs of misunderstanding’ (Kundera, 2000) that are too wide and deep to bridge. The clinician’s job then is to provide a context that is containing and genuinely respectful of difference.

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FIGURE 3

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