for Maria the Tutor

9 Managing Conflict

in Relationships

Defining Interpersonal Conflict

• Interpersonal Conflict: exists when there is

expressed tension between people who

▪ Are Interdependent

▪ Perceive Incompatible Goals

▪ Feel the need for Resolution

Principles of Conflict

• Conflict is natural in relationships

• Conflict may be expressed overtly or

covertly

• Social groups share the meaning of conflict

behaviors

• Conflict can be managed well or poorly

• Conflict can be good for individuals and

relationships

Common Pitfalls of Conflict

• “You” language only creates defensive

climates

• Anger is often masking hurt and jealousy

• It is thus important to properly identify

feelings

• Misidentified feelings can lead to prolonged

hostile climates

Common Pitfalls of Conflict

• Personal attacks only serve to disconfirm

• Disconfirming communication arises when

the other’s perspective is neglected

• This often leads to defensive listening

• Which is usually followed by an ambush and

• a lack of collaboration to resolve the issue(s)

• A climate of hurt, anger, and defensiveness

is thus (re)created

Orientations to Conflict

• Lose-Lose

• Win-Lose

• Win-Win

Responses to Conflict

• The exit response

• The neglect response

• The loyalty response

• The voice response

Unproductive Communication Patterns

During Conflict

• The early stages

▪ Communication that fails to confirm individuals

▪ Cross-complaining

▪ Negative climate and mind reading

• The middle stages

▪ Kitchen-sinking

▪ Frequent interruptions

• The later stages

▪ Counterproposals

▪ Excessive meta-communication

Constructive Communication Patterns

During Conflict

• The early stages

▪ Communicators confirm each other by recognizing and

acknowledging each other’s concerns and feelings

• The middle stages

▪ Stay focused on main issues (agenda building)

▪ Bracketing

▪ Don’t interrupt except for clarification

▪ Recognize and acknowledge each

other’s point of view

• The later stages

▪ Contracting

Constructive vs. Unproductive

Communication

Conflict Management Skills

• Attend to the relationship level of meaning

• Communicate supportively

• Listen mindfully

• Own your feelings, thoughts, and issues

• Check perceptions

• Look for points of agreement

• Look for ways to preserve the other’s face

• Imagine how you will feel in the future

Guidelines for Effective Communication

During Conflict

• Focus on the overall communication system

• Time conflict purposefully

• Aim for win-win conflict

• Honor yourself, your partner, and the

relationship

• Show grace when appropriate