Week 7 Assignment

The Importance ol Pafental Suppoft in the lives ol Gay, Leshian, and Bisexual lodividuals

Marvin R. Goldfried State University of New York at Stony Brook

T Anita P. Goldfried Private Practice, New York, New York

This article underscores the very important role that parental acceptance 'aria'suppOi't plays in turthering the psychological well-being of g bian, and bisexual irTdiviauals. Parents, Families, anaTrjerids_oLLesbians

—sTra Uays (KHAU), an organization dedicated to this goal, has as its mis- si o'n~tlTe]inpportJo71a^i]y~membersredU^^^ and ad^ra- cacy for equal rights for lesbians, gayrineri_andJ;usfi)iuals._By-lcomiRg-otjf-'

"themselves, strai^Rt parents and relatives—including those in the mental health field—not only can extend the support they offer to their gay/ lesbian/bisexual children and relatives but also play a significant role in reducing the stigma of being gay, lesbian, or bisexual and in mainstream- ing gay, lesbian, and bisexual issues. © 2 0 0 1 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. J Clin Psychol/ln Session 57; 6 8 1 - 6 9 3 , 2 0 0 1 .

Keywords; gay men; lesbians; bisexuality; family; parents

/ gather from your letter that your son is a homosexual. I am most impressed by the fact that you do not mention this term yourself in your information about him. May I question you, why do you avoid it? Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation. It cannot be classified as an illness. . . . It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime, and cruelty, too.

Letter to an American Mother Sigmund Freud April 9, 1935

This article is personal, empirical, professional, and political in nature. One of our two

wonderful sons is gay; we are a psychologist and clinical social worker, respectively; we

Correspondence and requests for reprints should be sent to: Marvin R. Goldfried, Department of Psychology, State University of New York at Stony Brook, Stony Brook, NY 11794-2500; e-mail: mgoldfried@ccmail. sunysb.edu.

JCLP/ln Session: Psychotherapy in Practice, Vol. 57(5), 681-693 (2001)

© 2001 John Wiley & Sons. Inc.

682 JCLP/In Session, May 2001

know about the research on the relationship between parental support and the psycholog- ical well-being of gay, lesbian, and bisexual (GLB) individuals; and we believe that our clinical work with such clients always will be limited until the stigma of being gay, lesbian, or bisexual in our society is removed.

We suspected that our son, Michael, was gay when he was about 7 years of age. Our knowledge of the research on the developmental histories of gay men (Green, 1974) called our attention to the cross-gender behavior patterns and interests that have been found to be somewhat predictive of homosexuality in males (e.g., feminine play). As he grew older, our belief strengthened, and was confirmed when speaking informally with gay mental health professionals. Their advice was to wait patiently until he was ready to come out and then give him our complete support.

It was a long wait. Because such a long time was involved from our first awareness that he was "different" until he finally came out to us, we were able to work through our feelings of guilt, fear for his welfare, and loss of what we saw as joys of life such as marriage and children. We did all we could to make our attitudes of acceptance of GLB individuals known during this period and were careful to encourage Michael to attend a college having liberal attitudes toward diversity. It was during his freshman year in col- lege that he finally came out to us. He sat us down at the dining room table and told us that he "was experimenting with his sexuality." After he elaborated on what he meant by that, we finally told him that we were not surprised and that, in fact, had sensed that this was so a long time ago. His initial reaction was negative—an interesting role reversal. Even though we were supportive of his self-disclosure, he understandably felt the fact that we knew even before he did was intrusive in the personal struggle he had been dealing with for some years. As one might expect, however, this initial negative reaction soon became positive.

Having had so many years to become accustomed to the idea that our son was prob- ably gay, we did not feel the need to become involved in a parent's support group. Although we knew of Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG) and became members of the national organization, we did not attend the support sessions sponsored by the local chapter. Then, a few years ago, while attending the Gay Pride parade, we saw several local PFLAG groups marching. In the desire to offer our support, we joined them and had a chance to witness firsthand the profound loss of family support that so many GLB individuals live with. The GLB onlookers' reactions to our group and the banners we carried ("We love our gay and lesbian children" and "You will always have a home in PFLAG") were powerful. The applause and cheers were punctuated by shouts of "We love you, too" and "We wish our parents would march." The expressions on the faces of the younger onlookers communicated happiness and longing; the older men and women looked sad and regretful, perhaps reflecting a never-to-be-fulfilled longing. This experi- ence made an indelible impact on us. A thought that immediately came to mind was the fact that GLB individuals often speak of their network of friends as "family," no doubt because of the loss of, or alienation from, their actual families of origin.

One does not have to be a mental health professional to recognize the devastating effect that parental nonacceptance or outright rejection can have on the psychological well-being of individuals. In a society that continues to stigmatize people for not being heterosexual, those who are GLB emotionally need all the support they can get.

As we noted earlier, we wish to touch on personal, empirical, professional, and polit- ical issues. We already have begun with the personal: our realization of the importance of parental support and acceptance. We now turn to considerations of what we know empir- ically about the importance of parental support, how parents can be helped to move to greater acceptance, and the role that straight family members can play in reducing the

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Stigma of being GLB and encouraging mainstream thinking to become better aware of tbose issues related to the lives of people who are GLB.

Need for Family Support

Despite important advances in the status of GLB individuals, they nonetheless continue to represent a stigmatized segment of our society—both inside and outside the home. Current surveys have shown that one of every three gay youth experiences verbal abuse from family members, one of every four has encountered physical abuse from peers at school, and one of three has made an actual attempt at taking his or her own life (D'Augelli, 1998). The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reported that lesbian and gay youth are more likely to attempt suicide than are straight youth, and that a little under one third of actual suicides were committed by someone who was gay (Gibson, 1989). It is important to note tbat one's sexual orientation, per se, does not contribute to suicidality, but rather the depression and hopelessness resulting from the rejection of others does (Safren & Heimberg, 1998). It was found that in the Los Angeles area, approximately 18% of homeless youth and young adults are GLB (Unger, Kipke, Simon, Montgomery, & Johnson, 1997). The Hetrick-Martin Institute estimated that 25% of gay youth who "come out" to their parents are ejected from the home, and that a very large percent of homeless youth in New York City are gay. Thus, even with the recent societal advances that have been made, GLB youth continue to be rejected by their parents and to face the possibility of humiliation, physical assault, and, as in some instances, even death.

Role of Support

As one might expect, the presence—or absence—of support from parents can have a major impact on gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals. Hershberger and D'Augelli (1995) found that family support significantly reduced the psychological stress and symptoms resulting trom victimization experienced by gay teenagers. An even more dramatic

-association—a negcitive tmiddtion of .87 was foun4-bet""'f'ri psyr '̂"'"g" '̂̂ *J-p'"*^- Tenis and the personal self-acceptance on the part of gav youth. The less self-acceptance, the greater the likelihood of psychological distress. This finding is consistent witb a larger body of evidence indicating that negative self-image among people in general is associated with a host of psychological difficulties, including depression, anxiety, and level of functioning. In a study on the relationship between self-esteem and coming out to parents among gay and lesbian youth, Savin-Williams (1989) found that self-esteem among lesbians was positively related to having a satisfactory relationship with their mother. Among gay men, self-esteem was associated with a positive relationship with both their mother and their father.

The term "self-loathing" has been used in the past within tbe gay community to describe oneself. Given the assumption that conceptions of self are often based on the reflected views of others, and coupled with the stigmatization of homosexuality through- out our society, it is no surprise that many GLB people receive and internalize the mes- sage that they are "not quite human" (cf. Goffman, 1963, p. 5). Even before one develops a sense of sexual identity, boys and girls assimilate the societal message that there is something wrong with homosexuality. In light of this, one cannot consider the psycho- logical well-being of GLB individuals without addressing the social stigmatization to which they have been subjected. Although there has been a greater societal acceptance of homosexuality, along with the development of a more positive identity among those who

684 JCLP/In Session, May 2001

are gay (Savin-Williams, 1998), clearly more needs to be done. GLB individuals repre- sent one of the few minority groups that can be ridiculed by mainstream society without fear of criticism. As minorities, they also are somewhat unique in that they represent a marginalized segment of our society whose parents do not share their minority status. Consequently, they are confronted with the additional challenge of not only being stig- matized by society at large but also the prospect of being an outcast in their own homes.

Coming Out to Parents and Family Acceptance

Upon learning that their daughter or son is gay, parents typically react quite negatively (D'Augelli, 1998). Family members experience the conflict between their love for their son or daughter on the one hand and their own negative biases toward homosexuality and desire for social acceptance on the other. They may feel anger and resentment, blaming their son or daughter for "doing this" to them—as if it was a choice. They may blame themselves, wondering how and where they went wrong. They may fear for the social, personal, and physical well-being of their child and what might in store for him or her. They may worry what friends, relatives, and neighbors will think if they learned of this.

The process of coping with the realization that one's daughter or son is gay is much like that associated with mourning, a process in which the first year or so may be partic- ularly difficult. Upon learning that her daughter was a lesbian, one 46-year-old mother confessed: "I mourned her as if she had died. I felt like she had died, though intellectually I knew she was alive" (Robinson, Skeen, & Walters, 1989, pp. 67-68). Although there is little in the way of well-controlled research on how parents typically deal with the news that their son or daughter is gay, Strommen (1989) described certain stages that parents^ frequently experience:

1. Subliminal awareness. There exist some vague suspicions, often based on behav- ior patterns shown and the failure to fit typical gender role characteristics. Indeed, it is not at all unusual for such suspicions to exist.

2. Impact. This involves the actual discovery of the child's identity, on their own or through having the child actually come out to them. This phase may be best characterized as involving a "crisis," accompanied by such reactions as shock, denial, confusion, blame, anger, and guilt.

3. Adjustment. Next are attempts to deal with the crisis, which might be to get their son or daughter to change. Attempts are made to keep their child's sexual identity a secret, so as to maintain the social, religious, and professional respectability ofthe family.

4. Resolution. There begins a working-through process, mourning the wish to have a heterosexual child and the dreams and plans associated with this (e.g., marriage, having grandchildren). This phase also involves learning more about homosexuality and its ori- gins, and modifying one's own stereotypes about what it means for someone to be gay.

5. Integration. Having completed whatever mourning needed to be done, and having learned about what is involved in being gay in our society, one may hope to integrate this all into an acceptance of one's daughter and son for who they are, and as they are.

To study parental reaction upon learning that their child was gay, Muller (1987) conducted a survey of 111 family relationships, interviewing lesbians, gay men, and their parents. The most frequent relationship (48%) could be characterized as Loving Denial, which involved a positive relationship between parent and child. Although the partner often was included in family contacts, the parents remained closeted about their son's or daughter's sexual orientation. The next most frequent relationship was that of Resentful Denial, comprising 36% ofthe sample, in which actual contact with parents was limited

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by their difficulty in accepting their offspring's sexuality. Only a small percent (11%) of the relationships could be characterized as Loving Open, where parents were not only accepting of the daughter/son and partner, but were open and positive in presenting this information to others. In the final type of relationship. Hostile Recognition (5%), the nonacceptance of the offspring's sexual orientation resulted in total estrangement. As one might expect, the degree of acceptance and openness varied as a function of the families religion, educational level, and political beliefs.

As we have suggested, the acceptance process is very much of a process for family members, and can vary in time as a function of different factors and experiences. Even when one thinks they have accepted their gay child, an event may arise that tells them further change is needed. For example, one father believed that he had fully come to accept his son being gay, and had routinely included his son's partner and friends in various family events. However, at one family dinner when his son referred to his partner as "hon," the father became so distracted that he started serving the salad with his hands!

Quite often, difficult if not painful decisions must be made in fully accepting the sexual orientation of one's son or daughter. Borhek (1993) tells of a widowed mother whose straight children and their families had difficulty accepting her gay son. She there- fore chose to celebrate holidays with her son and his partner. As she explained to her other children who were not happy with her decision, they had their own families with whom they could celebrate, and she would be happy to have the entire family get together whenever they were ready.

Borhek also tells of a mother who related her process of acceptance at a meeting of Dignity, the national gay/lesbian Catholic organization, resulting from a recent experi- ence with her gay son on Mother's Day:

For a long time Thomas has been wanting me to meet some of his friends. I told him, "1 accept you. I love you just as much as I did before, but I want no part of your gay life, I don't want to meet your gay friends, and if you have a lover, don't tell me about it." This past Mother's Day I had one of the most beautiful Mother's Days anyone could have. My son had wanted to take me to the Sheraton-Ritz, but the workers there were on strike, and he told me instead that one of his friends had invited me to his home for brunch. I'm happy that I went. I loved each and every one of them. They're beautiful people! I was ashamed of the feelings that I'd had. And I'm sorry to say this to the heterosexual world, but I saw more love in this church tonight than I've seen in a long time. (Borhek, 1993, pp. 269-270)

The acceptance process takes time and corrective experiences, and many of these experiences can occur by having contact with other supportive parents—as is the case with PFLAG

PFLAG

In 1972, three years after the Stonewall riots in New York City, Jeanne Manford marched in the New York City Gay Pride Day parade, carrying a sign that read "PARENTS OF GAYS UNITE IN SUPPORT OF OUR CHILDREN." Shortly thereafter, a handful of groups scattered throughout the United States were formed by parents of gay men and lesbians for the purpose of providing each other mutual support and support for their children. In 1981, representatives of the several groups came together to form Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). In addition to providing support, it was recognized early on that more needed to be done at a broader societal level.

v,jrhe current mission of PFLAG is threefold: To provide support to family members, to educate the publtc, ana to advocate for equal rights for GLB/transgendered individu-

686 JCLP/In Session, May 2001

als. It is a rapidly growing organization, with chapters in over 430 communities through- out the United States, reflecting the involvement of close to 80,000 households. In more recent years, it has become international in scope. In a response to the antigay "family value" attacks by the radical right, PFLAG issued the following policy statement: "We love, respect and support our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered children. We denounce and will strongly resist any effort to label them as less than responsible citizens and caring family members we know them to be" (adopted by the Board of Directors, 1999).'

Based in Washington, D.C., PFLAG is governed by a 21-member board of directors. It holds yearly national conferences, in which representatives from various local affiliates convene to provide mutual support and to attend training workshops to learn how to foster PFLAG's educational and advocacy agendas. Among the various activities associ- ated with national PFLAG are its involvement in providing a clearinghouse for informa- tion about issues and publications related to GLB/transgendered issues, publishing informational brochures, providing speakers for public education, supporting local edu- cational initiatives lobbying against discriminatory legislation, organizing interfaith dia- logues, and responding to antigay media campaigns.

At a national PFLAG conference we attended, one mother related an experience she had with her son, whom she believed to be gay but had not yet come out to her. She had been concerned about his psychological well-being for some time, but was reluctant to broach the topic of his sexual orientation directly. What she did instead was to comment on some brochures she had recently received from PFLAG and passed them on to her son in the event that he had any friends who might find them of interest. Shortly thereafter, her son came out to her, expressing how devastated he had been feeling upon realizing that he was gay. In fact, he confessed that right before receiving the brochures from her, he was seriously contemplating suicide.

At that same meeting, we heard numerous other heart-rendering accounts from par- ents. One Mormon couple from Salt Lake City had been informed by their church that they needed to choose between their gay son and the congregation. Their lifestyle and social contacts were intricately tied up with the Mormon Church, making this a particu- larly painful choice. They finally decided in favor of their son, and indicated that involve- ment in PFLAG made this major life change possible.

As clinicians, we often are inclined to recommend therapy as the preferred method of intervention. Indeed, Saltzberg (1996) suggested that family therapy is the intervention of choice for facilitating parental acceptance of their gay and lesbian children. Although we are certainly strong advocates of psychotherapy, our experience convinces us that the type of groups offered by PFLAG can be a much more powerful alternative.

As a case in point, we attended a local PFLAG support group at which a very angry and distressed mother reported that her son has just come out to her. Even at the coffee hour before the actual group began, she had difficulty in containing herself. She indeed was in the midst of a crisis. She began the group discussion by tearfully expressing her anger upon hearing the news, questioning: "How could he do this to me?" and "Doesn't he know he's ruining my life?" Approximated halfway into the meeting, after she had the opportunity to describe what had happened and how she felt, a young woman in her early 20s described her own current dilemma. Although she had come out to some of her friends, she had not done so to her family. With great anguish, she described her fears

' Further information may be obtained from PFLAG, 1101 14th Street NW, Suite 1030, Washington, DC 20005. Telephone: 202-638-4200. Fax: 202-638-0243; e-mail: [email protected]; website: www.pflag.org

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associated with her parents learning that she was a lesbian. She was torn between openly being who she was and risking the possibility of being disowned by her parents, whom she loved dearly. As she spoke and received support from other group members— consisting mostly of parents—we watched the expression on the face of the mother who had spoken earlier. She appeared stunned in hearing what it was like from the child's point of view, and her face softened to reveal the sadness and sympathy she felt for this young woman. This experience, as well as others we have witnessed, led us to conclude that referral to PFLAG should be the intervention of choice in foster parental acceptance.

For example, the parents of a 19-year-old college student recently consulted one of us (APG) after having been informed by her that she was a lesbian. They were upper middle class people, owned a successful business, and were very active in their commu- nity. Their daughter, Fran, was the model teenage girl—bright, pretty, and popular in school. Since Fran came out to them two weeks earlier, both parents were markedly distressed and were having difficulty working and sleeping. They no longer had the "ideal daughter." They were totally in shock, especially because she "always seemed normal in other ways." However, as Fran recently told them, she had dated boys because she felt she should, not because she really wanted to.

In our session, I pointed out that Fran was still the same daughter they had known and that their close relationship could grow even closer now that she didn't need to keep this a secret from them. However, they would need to mourn their fantasies and images about her future. I told them that their shock and grief reactions were normal, and that there was an organization of parents designed to help them deal precisely with what they were going through. I gave them some PFLAG literature, together with the local PFLAG telephone number from the directory. They very much wanted to set up another appoint- ment, which we did.

Before the next appointment, the mother called to indicate that they had attended their first PFLAG meeting. She thanked me for putting them in touch with PFLAG and indicated that it was just what they were looking for. Although she acknowledged that they realized that they had lots to deal with, they felt that much better. In fact, she felt that an additional appointment would not be needed. It was one of those cancellations that a therapist could feel good about.

Expanding Parental Support: Coming Out

Several years ago, one of us (MRG) attended a behavior therapy conference at which there was a panel discussion on the place of psychotherapy in the lives of gay men and lesbians. Inasmuch as one of the topics was whether psychotherapy should attempt to convert people in their sexual orientation, the room was extremely crowded. One of the panelists, a former colleague of mine, indicated that he believed that under no circum- stance should a therapist ever attempt to alter the sexual orientation of a patient. Although I found myself in agreement with this general statement, I recalled a bisexual client with whom I had worked many years earlier who wanted to increase his sexual attraction to his fiancee, whom he loved very much. However, I was somewhat reluctant to raise this issue during the question and answer period. I finally decided that I had to say something and, out of concern for the possible negative audience reaction, I prefaced my comment by indicating that one of my two favorite sons was gay and that I was a dues-paying member of PFLAG. I then went on to describe a case of a bisexual man I had seen who wanted to become more sexually attracted to his fiancee. At the end of the meeting, this former colleague approached me and commented that he thought it was brave of me to say what I said. I thought he was referring to my comment about the particular case, but instead he

688 JCLP/ln Session, May 2001

referred to something I had not fully realized that I had done, namely that I had "come out."

In their experiences with parents and family members, PFLAG has observed a curi- ous phenomenon: When GLB/transgendered individuals come out of the closet, their parents and relatives go in. A minister from Pittsburgh admitted that this happened with him as his gay son David became more open about his sexual orientation.

I did not realize that I had slipped into a closet. As David grew older, I spoke less and less about him to members of my congregation. To my shame and horror, I began to realize why—I didn't want anyone to ask what I considered an embarrassing question about whom David was dating, what he was involved in on campus, etc., which would cause me to lie or admit he was gay. I had accepted David, but I had not affirmed him. I was still embarrassed and ashamed to admit to others that I had a gay son. (PFLAG, 1996, p. 3)

Parents of lesbian, gay, and bisexual children do not have to go very far from home to learn about the difficulty in coming out; all they need do is ask their children. For GLB individuals, the coming-out process generally involves the follow steps: (a) self-' recognition as being gay, (b) disclosure to others, (c) socialization with oth"erga5' indi- viduals, (d) positive self-identification, and (e) integration and acceptance (Mattison & McWhirter, 1995). For parents to come out themselves, they similarly need to recognize and accept the fact that their son or daughter is gay. As indicated earlier, this is a process that requires time and corrective experiences as well as a total reorganization of one's expectations and values. Having finally reached this point, parents—and other family members—can take the next step of sharing this information with family members and close friends. It also involves a socialization process, which is where involvement in PFLAG and other related organizations can be particularly relevant. Having reached a positive self-identification, the family members need to deal with any guilt and resent- ment over the fact that their relative is gay, that they have not had any part—except perhaps genetically—in contributing to this, and that they can accept the situation the way it is. These various actions, thoughts, and feelings hopefully can eventually be orga- nized and integrated into their view of themselves, and the attitude is that of "taking it for granted" the way it is.

In their book Beyond Acceptance, Griffin, Wirth, and Wirth (1986) reported on the experiences that parents of gay and lesbian children have had in this coming-out process. They emphasize that the process of acceptance is very much an ongoing one, and involves various levels:

Whenever a parent is able to day, "I have a gay or lesbian child" to anyone outside the imme- diate family, there is an underlying message: "As his or her parent, whatever befalls my child befalls me. I will fight for my child, for we are intertwined in our history and in our love for each other. My child is not alone. I stand for him or her. (p. 101)

When parents remain in the closet, they send a different message to their son or daughter, namely, "We think you're okay, but let's keep it a secret." Everything said before the "but" gets negated. It also has a negative impact on the parents themselves, as they must cope with the strains of hiding their child's sexual orientation from others. The coming out process for parents involves making a shift in attitude from: "I can't bear to risk the rejection of my relatives, friends, or neighbors by admitting that I have a gay child" to that of: "I found that the relative, friends, and neighbors that I care about like me when I can follow my own conscience, and not be dependent on their opinions" (Griffin et al., 1986, p. 158). To make this shift clearly involves taking a personal risk, which indeed is essential to the change process.

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Recognizing the importance of open support on the part of straight fannily members, PFLAG more recently has encouraged parents and family members to become actively involved in gay/lesbian/bisexual causes, if in no other way than by coming out them- selves. This stance is described in a PFLAG booklet entitled The Next Step: Coming Out and Speaking Out as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual People (PFLAG, 1996). This next step not only offers even stronger support for gay/lesbian/ bisexual relatives but also makes an important statement to others in that it challenges the social stigma that traditionally has been associated with homosexuality. When the rela- tive of the lesbian/gay/bisexual individual is a respected and visible member of society, the impact of the family member coming out is all that more impressive.

In his book. Straight Parents Gay Children, Robert Bernstein (1995) encourages this coming-out process among family members. Robert (Robin) McNeil of the "McNeill/ Lehrer News Hour," himself the father of a gay son, begins the Introduction to the book with:

I have a gay son and that's all right with me. What is important is my son the person—his character, his generosity, his talents. His sex life is of no more importance to me than that of his heterosexual brothers and sister, or of my close friends. (Bernstein, 1995, p. xiii)

Of particular interest is Bernstein's account of family support from some very unlikely quarters. For example, Robert Mosbacher, a conservative Texas Republican who served as secretary of commerce during former President George Bush's administration, has openly supported his daughter, Diane, indicating that she "is my daughter and I love her." Acknowledging that the two of them hold different political ideologies, Mosbacher goes on to affirm that "I am proud of her for what she is, and I hope she feels that way about me" (Bernstein, 1995, p. 157). An even more dramatic illustration of the fact that one's political ideology does not necessarily preclude acceptance of one's gay/lesbian/ bisexual relatives is that of the late Barry Goldwater, one of the nation's most conserva- tive politicians. In his later years, Goldwater acknowledged that his grandson and grandniece were gay, and he began to speak out in support of gay rights:

Gays and lesbians are part of every American family. They should not be shortchanged in their efforts to better their lives and serve their countries. .. . It's time America realized that there was no gay exemption in the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" in the Declaration of Independence. (Bernstein, 1995, p. 171)

At the 1996 PFLAG Conference in Washington, D.C., Cher came out in support of her daughter. Chastity, who had been openly gay for the previous nine years. When she initially learned of Chastity's sexual orientation, Cher was markedly upset, and was par- ticularly concerned about the impact this might have on their image. We were fortunate enough to attend the reception in which Cher and Chastity appeared, which no doubt was a very different public appearance for Ciier. Receiving neither money not professional benefits, Cher stood beside her daughter and took a major step forward by coming out in public—and personal—support of her daughter. How she finally reached this point is described in an account in Chastity's book. Family Outing (Bono, 1998).

There was another mother-daughter appearance that we had the good fortune to wit- ness on television, which was at a dinner held by the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). At that dinner, Ellen Degeneres, who was honored for her pro-gay contributions to the public media, appeared with her mother, Betty. At that very same dinner. President Bill Clinton made an appearance, receiving a very positive reception. What was particularly note- worthy is that Betty Degeneres's reception was even more resounding. She subsequently was selected to be the first heterosexual to act as the HRC National Coming Out project

690 JCLP/In Session, May 2001

spokesperson, with the role of traveling throughout the country to advocate the need for par- ents of lesbian/gay/bisexuat individuats to come out in support of their children.

Conclusion

In a sermon delivered in 1980, the Reverend Jerry Falwell pronounced that "homosexuals are antifamily." The issue we have addressed in this article in somewhat different, namely, the extent to which "families are antihomosexual." Indeed, a very frequently asked ques- tion among gay and lesbian individuals is: "Are you out to your family?" And, if the answer is in the affirmative, the follow-up question is: "How did they take it?"

Much has been written about the lesbian/gay/bisexual individual's "chosen family" (Weston, 1991). Often the result of having been alienated from one's family of origin, these chosen families consist of friends and former lovers with whom holidays and other important occasions can be celebrated. And although there are clearly important benefits that can be obtained from such networks, they cannot replace the shared history and ties one has with family members.

In this article, we have described the importance of parental support for the gay/ lesbian/bisexual family member and related instances in which this level of support was obtained. Other accounts of family support can be found in several books that were written by parents of lesbians and gay men (e.g.. Back, 1985; Baker, 1998; Bernstein, 1995; Borhek, 1993; Dew, 1994; Fairchild & Hayward, 1989; Griffin et al., 1986). Face- to-face accounts of this acceptance process as well as personal support for parents strug- gling to accept the sexual orientation of their children can be directly experienced in PFLAG support groups.

Despite the advances made in recent years, homophobia, unlike overt racism and sexism, continues to openly exist as a social and legal phenomenon. At a 1994 conference cosponsored by the University of Chicago and the American Psychological Foundation, 50 researchers on gay and lesbian issues outlined priorities for future directions. Most importantly, they asked: "How can we best change attitudes, on a societal or individual level, toward a more positive acceptance of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and/or trans- gendered persons?" (Williams, 1997, p. 6). In her sociopolitical analysis of issues within the GLB movement, Vaid (1995) argued that true progress will not occur until these issues become more closely tied to mainstream society. As she stated: "Rather than ask how gay and lesbian people can integrate themselves into the dominant culture, what if, instead, we affirm that our mission is explicitly to assimilate the dominant culture to us?' (p. 206). We can think of no better way to mainstream GLB issues than by enlisting support of mainstream individuals. We can think of no more motivated mainstream peo- ple that deeply care for the welfare of GLB individuals than their parents and family.

It has been estimated that between 3 and 6% of the population in this country are gay or lesbian, resulting in a figure of 7.5 to 15 million. Assuming that each person has two parents, one sibling, and four grandparents, there are between 52.5 and 105 million poten- tial straight supporters of gay men and lesbians—a very significant proportion of main- stream society. This does not include other relatives such as aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews. However, this is an ideal figure, as not all are ready to accept their gay/lesbian/ bisexual relatives, and not all those who are accepting are willing to "come out." Still, the potential is there. As observed by Bernstein:

Most people, perhaps an overwhelming majority, are not cut out for activism. But parents of gay children, it seems to me, can't help but harbor at least a degree of righteous anger at those who would diminish their children. My hope is that the anger will someday surface, that the now-silent masses will stand up and make themselves heard. (Bernstein, 1995, p. 181)

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Surveys have shown that heterosexuals wbo have had contact with gay and lesbian individuals are likely to have more favorable attitudes toward homosexuality (Herek & Glunt, 1993). This has been found to be the case even with groups that have typically opposed homosexuality, such as those who are religious and tbose who live in rural communities and middle America. The impact of personal contact on stigmatization is consistent with the long-standing notion that direct contact is a method for overcoming racial and ethnic prejudice (Allport, 1954), and the finding that exposure is an effective tberapeutic method for reducing unrealistic phobias—including homophobia (Goldfried & Davison, 1994). To the extent that family members are openly accepting of their gay, bisexual, and lesbian relatives, and to the extent that they "come out" about it to others, contact and exposure will be facilitated. Many individuals are likely to have had past contact with gay and lesbian people without knowing their sexual orientation. A state of cognitive dissonance clearly occurs when a heterosexual individual with a bias against homosexuality learns that the person whom they knew and liked for so many years is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. It is through the reduction of this dissonance that greater acceptance and the reduction of stigmatization can occur.

With some notable exceptions (e.g., Davison, 1976; Hooker, 1957), most of what has been written by mental health professionals about GLB issues has been done by those who themselves are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. There exists a stigma associated with con- ducting research and writing clinical articles on GLB issues (D'Augelli, personal com- munication, September 22, 1998; Markowitz, 1998; Miller, 1989), thereby placing a constraint on the extent to which clinical and scholarly efforts are likely to be carried out in this area. Indeed, some professionals maintain separate curriculum vitae—one that includes GLB professional activities and publications and another that is more "main- stream." In a profession that is dedicated to tbe psychological well-being of people, it is a sad irony tbat tbose are involved in furthering the well-being of other GLB individuals place themselves at risk for professional stigmatization.

Just as parents of GLB children may be influential in having an impact on main- stream society, so may those straight relatives in the mental health field bave an impor- tant impact on society and on the profession. They are in the position to recognize both the pivotal role that self-esteem has on one's psychological well-being and the very pow- erful influence that societal attitudes have on the development of self-esteem. In addition, their knowledge of human behavior can allow them to appreciate that in their own open efforts of support, they, as mental health professionals, can become exemplary models for others in highlighting the need for combating societal sanctions placed on GLB peo- ple. In the final analysis, it is this stigmatization tbat needs to be dealt with if we ever hope to have an impact on facilitating self-acceptance by members of the GLB commu- nity. Finally, by having heterosexual mental health professionals come out in support of GLB issues, it can encourage other professionals to view this area as being part of a mainstream topic for study.

Within the field of psychology, there currently exists a network of family members of GLB relatives—AFFIRM: Psychologists Affirming Their Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Family. In addition to providing open support for their own family members—children, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, and uncles—coming out in this fashion will facilitate a kind of indirect contact with, or exposure to, GLB people that others will have. As noted earlier, this is extremely important, in that such exposure or contact has been found to be an important factor associated with positive attitudes toward GLB individuals. AFFIRM also is supportive of the clinical and re- searcb work on GLB issues witbin psychology, and is taking steps to destigmatize clin- ical and researcb work in tbis area. A final function of AFFIRM is to assist advocacy

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groups in need of experts as a source of information and to testify in court or before legislative bodies.^

Select References/Recommended Readings

Allport, G.W. (1954). The nature of prejudice. Garden City, NY: Doubleday.

Back, G.G. (1985). Are you still my mother? New York: Warner Books.

Baker, J.M. (1998). Family secrets: Gay sons—a mother's story. New York: Harrington Park Press.

Bernstein, R.A. (1995). Straight parents gay children. New York: Thunder's Mouth Press.

Bono, C. (1998). Family outing. Boston: Little, Brown and Company.

Borhek, M.V. (1993). Coming out to parents. Cleveland, OH: The Pilgrim Press.

D'Augelli, A.R. (1998). Developmental implications of victimization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. In G.M. Herek (Ed.), Stigma and sexual orientation: Understanding prejudice against lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Davison, G.C. (1976). Homosexuality: The ethical challenge. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 44, 157-162.

Dew, R.F. (1994). The family heart: A memoir of when our son came out. New York: Addison-Wesley.

Fairchild, B., & Hayward, N. (1989). Now that you know. New York: Harcourt, Brace, and

Jovanovich.

Gibson, P. (1989). Gay male and lesbian youth suicide, report of the Secretary's Task Force on

Youth Suicide. Washington, DC: Department of Health and Human Services.

Goffman, E. (1963). Stigma. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Goldfried, M.R., & Davison, G.C. (1994). Clinical behavior therapy (Exp. ed.). New York: Wiley.

Green, R.F. (1974). Sexual identity conflict in children and adults. New York: Basic Books.

Griffin, L., Wirth, M., & Wirth, W. (1986). Beyond acceptance. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Herek, G.M., & Glunt, E.K. (1993). Interpersonal contact and heterosexuals' attitudes toward gay

men: Results from a national survey. The Journal of Sex Research, 30, 239-244.

Hershberger, S.L., & D'Augelli, A.R. (1995). The consequences of victimization on the mental health

and suicidality of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Developmental Psychology, 31, 65-74.

Hooker, E. (1957). The adjustment of the male homosexual. Journal of Protective Techniques, 21,

18-31.

Markowitz, L.M. (1998). The perils of invisibility. In the Family, 4, 2.

Mattison, A.M., & McWhirter, D.P. (1995). Lesbians, gay men, and their families. The Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 18, 123-137.

Miller, B. (1989). Homosexuality and the family [Preface to Special issue]. Journal of Homosex- uality, 18, xi-xiv.

Muller, A. (1987). Parents matter: Parents' relationships with lesbian daughters and gay sons. Tallahassee, FL: Naiad Press.

PFLAG. (1996). The next step: Coming out and speaking out as parents, families, and friends of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people. Washington, DC: PFLAG.

Robinson, B.E., Skeen, P., & Walters, L. (1989). Response of parents to learning that their child is homosexual and concern over AIDS: A national study. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80.

Safren, S.A., & Heimberg, R.G. (1998). Suicidality in gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth. The Behav- ior Therapist, 21, 147-152.

Saltzberg, S. (1996). Family therapy and disclosure of adolescent homosexuality. Journal of Family Therapy, 7, 1-18.

^For further information about the network, contact Marvin R. Goldfried, Department of Psychology, State University of New York, Stony Brook, NY 11794-2500; 631-7823; e-mail: [email protected].

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Savin-Williams, R.C. (1989). Coming out to parents and self-esteem among gay and lesbian youths. Joumal of Homosexuality, 18, 1-35.

Savin-Williams, R.C. (1998)."... And then I became gay": Young men's stories. New York: Routledge.

Strommen, E.F. (1989). "You're a what?" Family member reactions to the disclosure of homosex- uality. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 37-58.

Unger, J.B., Kipke, M.D., Simon, T.R., Montgomery, S.B., & Johnson, C.J. (1997). Homeless youths and young adults in Los Angeles: Prevalence of mental health problems and the relationship between mental health and substance abuse disorders. American Joumal of Community Psy- chology, 25, 371-394.

Vaid, U. (1995). Virtual equality: The mainstreaming of gay and lesbian liberation. New York: Anchor Books.

Weston, K. (1991). Families we choose: Lesbians, gays, kinship. New York: Columbia University Press.

Williams, W.L. (1997). Introduction. In J.T. Sears & W.L. Williams (Eds.), Overcoming hetero- sexism and homophobia. New York: Columbia University Press.