COM2006 Week 5 Project

Family Relationships

Another, often emotional, relationship that people have is with their families. The old adage that you

can pick your friends but not your family can be true for many people. However, we know that there

are many different de�nitions of family other than the family of origin. Beebe et al. (2017) de�ne family

as a "self-de�ned unit made up of any number of persons who live or have lived in relationship with one another over time in a common living space and who are usually, but not always, united by marriage

and kinship" (p. 348). They also propose that the circumplex model of family interaction gives clues to

why families can be functional or dysfunctional. This circumplex model of family interaction examines

the functionality of families using the dimensions of adaptability, cohesion, and communication

patterns. These dimensions are evaluated on a scale. For example, adaptability's continuum runs from

chaotic to rigid, cohesion is measured on the scale from a feeling of togetherness to a feeling of disengagement, and communication can run from competent to not competent (Beebe et al., 2017).

The last dimension, i.e., communication, is the key for helping families become or stay more functional.

Now, let's look at the Brown family. Julie grew up in a rigid family, where the rules were strict,

especially when it came to her dating and going out with friends. Julie's curfew was 10 p.m. on

weekends. This rule used to upset Julie because all of her friends were allowed to stay out until

midnight. Julie thought that she should have more freedom now that she was sixteen. However, her

father remained in�exible about the curfew and about her not being allowed to date yet. Julie tried to get her father to soften his rules but to no avail. He repeatedly stated that that was the end of the

subject and that he was not going to talk about it anymore. Julie's reaction was to withdraw from

family conversations and to make herself as unavailable as possible for family outings.

Following the circumplex model of family interaction, in this example, we see the dimension of

adaptability being more on the rigid end of the continuum, cohesion being more disengaged, and

communication being more monologue than dialogue. According to Beebe et al. (2017), the Brown family characterizes a protective family where there are less instances of dialogue between a father

and a daughter and more expectations of conformity. So how can communication help improve their

family relations?

Strategies for family communication are being other oriented, being selective about disclosing

feelings, picking battles, carefully discussing what and when you start your discussions, and using

con�rming messages (Beebe et al., 2017). In the case of the Brown family, Julie decided to take a different approach with her father.

First of all, she thought to herself that her father was afraid that she may run into trouble if she stayed

out late with her friends and that her father was only being protective. She tried to think about how he

feels. Second, she realized that she often approached her father about staying out late when he had

just come home from work. He was often stressed and tired at this time, and Julie realized that this

was not the best time to start the discussion. Also, Julie realized that she tended to whine about not

being allowed to stay out and that this made her father more adamant about his view point. Julie thought to herself that she must be sounding like a child when she whined and that when talking about

this subject, it would be a better idea not to show how upset she was.

With these strategies in mind, Julie chose, instead, to talk to her father on a Saturday morning, when

her father was feeling more refreshed and relaxed. She discussed with him the reason he was

distrustful of her staying out and asked him what would make him feel more secure when she was out

with her friends. Her father admitted that he was afraid of her ending up in danger or getting into trouble when she was out. Julie acknowledged his feelings and asked if he would feel more

comfortable if she got a cell phone so that she could call him to come get her if she encountered an

undesirable situation. She made an effort to keep the whining out of her voice and listen to what her

father had to say. As a result of this conversation, Julie's father decided to extend her curfew to 11:00

p.m. on a trial basis. Julie agreed that this was a good compromise.

The above example illustrates how important competent and other-oriented communication is for families. Often, families can strum our emotional chords; and when emotions reign, communication

can become less effective. Being other oriented helps us see the situation from another's point of view

and overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed by our own thoughts and emotions.