COM2006 Week 5 Discussion

Six Stages of Relationships

Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2017) metaphorically describe the escalation and de-escalation of a

relationship as the escalation and de-escalation of an elevator. When a relationship is escalating, the

stages progress from acquaintance to intensi�cation and, �nally, to intimacy. The stages of de-

escalation are turmoil or stagnation, deintensi�cation, individualization, separation, and postseparation effects.

Using the example of Toby and Yolinda, let's look at how these stages progress.

Preinteraction Awareness

Toby met Yolinda at work. At �rst, he hardly noticed her, but after a while, he started looking for her.

Yolinda didn't notice Toby either until Toby started to stop by her desk to chat.

Acquaintance

Yolinda thought that Toby was a nice guy but didn't think any more about it until Toby asked her out for

lunch. Yolinda agreed because she and Toby had been talking lately about work issues, things to do in

their city, and other casual topics.

Exploration

At lunch, they discovered that they both went to the same high school and that both of them were the

oldest in their families. After several lunches together, both Toby and Yolinda started to look forward

to getting together.

Intensi�cation

After a month or so, Toby suggested that he and Yolinda go out for a movie. Yolinda agreed, and they

both had a great time. Toby felt at ease with Yolinda because she had a great sense of humor. Yolinda

loved it when Toby laughed at her jokes. Frequent meetings between Toby and Yolinda resulted in

closeness between them.

Intimacy

They dated for about a year before Toby asked Yolinda to marry him. Yolinda, happily in love, agreed.

Unfortunately, after Toby and Yolinda were married for a couple of years, they started having

problems.

Turmoil

The problem started when Yolinda got a promotion at work and was asked to relocate to the corporate

headquarters. Toby was upset by this idea as his own career track was going well and he wanted to stay back. Yolinda pointed out that Toby was being envious as she could make a lot more money than he.

Toby thought Yolinda was being sel�sh and was just thinking about herself as he would have to give up

his job. He was told that he would not be able to work at corporate headquarters with Yolinda. They

fought about this every day.

Deintensi�cation

After a while, the �ghting became purposeless since neither one was going to change his or her stance.

Yolinda started to go out with her friends more, and Toby went off to the health club more. Both were

moving away from each other. They stopped discussing whether they should relocate together or not,

and, �nally, they both decided to stay in separate bedrooms.

Individualization

Toby realized that their relationship was ending when he overheard Yolinda talking to a friend on the

phone, exclaiming that she was looking for an apartment in the city. He also heard Yolinda and a friend

talking at work about how well Yolinda will do on her new job. The �nal straw was when he saw a

checkbook on the desk from an account that was only in Yolinda's name that she had recently opened.

Separation

Shortly after Toby found the checkbook, Yolinda announced her intention to take the new job and

move to the city. Toby believed that it was no use arguing and agreed to a separation. He and Yolinda

divided up the furniture and bank accounts and formally separated.

Postseparation Effects

After the divorce of Toby and Yolinda, friends remarked about how amicable their separation had been

as neither blamed the other for the breakup of the marriage. Both Toby and Yolinda had remarked to

their friends that they just went their separate ways because they both had different goals and values and that it was nobody's fault. This postseparation effect stage was how Toby and Yolinda made sense

of what had happened.

As you can see from this example, relationship stages can be either short or long. The intensity of each

stage, especially with de-escalation, can vary greatly depending on the circumstances.

Additional Materials

Relationship Challenges

Click each stage of a relationship in the chart to learn more about it.

Preinteraction Awareness

Acquaintance

Exploration

Intimacy

Turmoil or Stagnation

Deintensification, Individualization, and Separation

View the PDF Transcript of Relationship Challenges

(media/transcripts/Week5/SU_COM2006_W5_G1.pdf?

_&d2lSessionVal=83vkmmrsczcH8ATfvgTLx0emF&ou=91172)

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