Journal

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

Paper Title: Social Media Censorship

No. of Pages: 0 Pages

Paper Style: APA Paper Type: Annotated Bibliography

Taken English? Yes English as Second Language? No

Feedback Areas: Topic Development, Focus/Thesis Statement

Paper Goals: Introduction paragraph and thesis statement you developed for your

Week 3 Assignment. Background information of the global societal

issue you have chosen. Brief argument supporting at least two

solutions to the global societal issue. Conclusion paragraph. Must

document any information used from at l

Proofing Summary:

Good morning Janquetta,

I’m Jodi, your composition tutor for the Writing Center. I have reviewed your submission and have several suggestions

that will help you revise. Please feel free to contact us through a live chat session with any follow-up questions

or for any clarification.

Below, you will find a revision plan along with margin comments within your paper. Use my suggestions as a starting point

for the revision process. Also, please note that I have not edited or proofread the entire draft for minor errors, but rather,

focused on overall concerns such as idea development. For a complete look at your grammar and punctuation, please use

the Grammarly software available under “Writing Center” in your classroom.

You have done a nice job of using good headings in your paper to keep your writing organized. You give good

details about the topic. Nice work!

For your revisions, I suggest focusing on:

1. Here is a good thesis statement template you can use. Just fill in the blanks and put it at the end of your introduction:

Thesis Template:

(Your issue) should/should not ____. Instead, we should (insert your solutions to the problem).

2. Then, I mentioned to revise the structure of paragraphs. Here is a good body paragraph format to use:

a. Topic sentence that states the topic or point of the paragraph (in your own words)

b. Give a Fact/Detail/Reason/Quote/Statistics that supports your point

c. Explain this fact

d. Give more Explanation & Analysis of this fact

e. Give another Fact/Detail/Reason/Quote/Stat to support your topic sentence

f. Explain this fact

g. Give more Explanation & Analysis

h. Closing Sentence (maybe give a good sentence summary of the paragraph)

I also made a comment about the "solutions" section and how to use transitions with the solutions.

3. Your paper is not in APA format. Here is a link to help make some revisions:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/introduction-apa

4. Be sure that your in-text citations are formatted correctly. Here is a link you can look at:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/citing-within-your-paper

Then, I made a few comments on your References page to make revisions.

Good luck in the course, and I hope we can help you with your next assignment.

Jodi

Writing Consultant

page 1 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

Good format!

page 2 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

Try not to say "these days" as it seems like conversational language. Can you

reword this first sentence? Try to get your readers attention about your topic.

How is your issue a "global societal

issue"? I would add this into the

introduction and tell why you think

this.

You need a stronger thesis

statement at the end of the

introduction.

Try not to paraphrase from

sources in your introduction.

Can you give more

specific background

information your global

societal issue?

page 3 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

I would suggest to revise the

structure of your paragraphs.

If you end with citations, it is

hard for the reader to tell

where your own comments

are at in your writing.

page 4 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

This needs revision in how it is worded.

A semicolon separates complete thoughts. This has a conjunction here, so you

need different punctuation.

Is the "another solution"? I would

use this, so the solutions are

organized a bit better.

Can you use the word you have in

the heading here?

page 5 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

I would not just give your own general opinion about your topic. I would suggest to

start the conclusion by "restating" the thesis statement.

Try not to end paragraphs with

citations as I previously commented

about.

page 6 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

Good start to your References page!

It needs revision:

Reference list entries should be

alphabetized by the last name of the

first author of each work.

"References"

Is there a name? Is this the authors actual name?

All lines after the first line of each entry in

your reference list should be indented

one-half inch from the left margin. This is

called hanging indentation.

Be sure this is formatted correctly.

page 7 / 8

Proofed Paper: ntp457983 - Tue Sep 25 10:52:25 EDT 2018

Powered by TCPDF (www.tcpdf.org)

page 8 / 8