A-7 MC

Well, thank you, Megan. And what a delight to be back on campus again. After many years I graduated the year this building was built. It's been a while. Jesus once said that life does not consist in the abundance of the possessions that we have. The question then is, where does life find its meaning? I believe the answer is in relationships, first of all, with God, nothing more important than our relationship with God. But secondly, life finds meaning in relationships with people, beginning in the family and then spreading out to friends and community. If we're going to have good relationships, we have to learn how to apologize for one simple reason. None of us are perfect. Now, one man did raise his hand when his pastor said, does anyone know of a perfect husband? He shot his hand right up. He said, my wife's first husband. Well, the reality is if there are any perfect husbands, they are deceased. And most of them got perfect after they died. The reality is there are no perfect friends, and there are no perfect parents. There are no perfect children, and incidentally, there are no perfect roommates. All of us, from time to time, do and say things that hurt other people and hurt our relationships, or we fail to do things or say things that hurt our relationships. I want to talk to you very pointedly about this in efficient chapter four and verse 32, it says, Be kind one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another, as in Christ has forgiven us. We're to forgive in the same way that God forgives us. How does God forgive us if we confess our sins? God is faithful and just to forgive us. God doesn't forgive everybody. He forgives those who confess their sins, who apologize to God. On the human plane, that is our model, there's an offense committed, there's an apology made, we forgive the person. The Bible is very big on this whole issue of apology, Proverbs 28, 13. He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Now, that's true in our relationship with God, but it's also true in human relationships. If we act like our behavior was all right and we deny we did anything wrong, then the relationship doesn't prosper. But if we're willing to apologize and confess that, then chances are will be forgiven. Isaiah 5092, God said to Israel, your iniquities have separated you

from your God. Your sins have hidden his face from you that he will not hear. We sin against God. We create a barrier between ourselves and God. Same thing is true in human relationships. When we sin against a spouse, a child, a roommate, we put a barrier between the two of us, and that barrier stops wholesome communication between the couple. Jesus felt so strongly about this that in Matthew chapter five, verse 23, he said this, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you. You've wronged your brother. Leave your gift there in front of the altar, and first go be reconciled to your brother, and then come back and offer your gift. I've often wondered what would happen in churches on Sunday mornings if we practiced that literally, how many people would leave the church and go, be reconciled to someone and then come back and worship God? Well, where do we learn to apologize? Typically, from our parents. Little Johnny pushes his sister Mary down the stairs and his mother says, Johnny, you don't do that The sister go tell her you're sorry. So little Johnny says sorry. Even if he's not sorry. He's 30 now, He's married. He offends his wife. And what's he going to say? I'm sorry? He learned from his mother or his father how to apologize. Now, some people learn not to apologize from their parents. We found in our research that about 10% of the population almost never apologizes. And most of them are men. Some of them were taught overtly by their parents. Their father said to them, real men don't apologize. Now you know where their father got that. John Wayne, that great theologian. Real men don't apologize. And others of us, our fathers did not tell us that, but we had no model of apology. We never heard our fathers apologize. I remember as a child, eight or nine years old, sitting in the back seat of the car. My father was driving, my mother was on this side. And in the drive, they would get into a conversation and my father would get upset with my mother and he would say things loudly and harshly to her. And I'm in the back, sat as a child, not feeling very good because the two most important people in my life, one of them is talking to the other in a very harsh way. My mother would never respond. I guess she learned that if she responded, it would escalate. So my mother would just be silent, then my father

would calm down, and we would drive in silence. I never heard my father apologize to my mother. I'm not saying he didn't, maybe he did in private. I came into my marriage with no model of apology. Some of us have to start from ground zero, but most of us learn how to apologize from our parents when someone is coming to apologize to you or to me. The question in the back of our minds is, are they sincere? If they're sincere, we typically are willing to forgive them. But if we judge them to be insincere and just trying to get this behind us, we have difficulty forgiving. But here's part of the problem. We had different parents, so our parents taught us different ways to apologize. Dr. Jennifer Thomas, and I, a few years ago, did research on this to find out how people typically apologize. We asked thousands of people all over the country two questions. When you apologize, what do you typically say or do? Question number two, When someone apologizes to you, what do you typically say or do, or when you apologize to someone else, what do you typically say or do? Their answers fell into five categories. I promise you, we were not looking for five. I like five, but we weren't looking for five. But they fell into five categories and all of them are illustrated in the Bible. So I want to share them with you and I suggest you either jot these down or go by the chaplain's office and get a copy of the book, whichever. Okay. Expressing regret Number one, expressing regret often with the words I'm sorry, but please don't ever use those two words alone. Tell them what you're sorry for. I'm sorry that I raised my voice and yelled at you, I'm sorry that I came home late and we've missed the program. I know you really wanted to go tell them what you're sorry for. If you simply say I'm sorry, the other person may well be thinking, you certainly are. Is there anything else you'd like to say? They take it as a character report. You think it was an apology. I'm sorry. Tell them what you're sorry for and don't ever add the words, But I'm sorry that I lost my temper and yelled at you. But if you had not, then I would not. And now you're no

longer apologizing, you are now blaming them for your poor behavior. Listen to these words. In Luke Chapter 15 21, we call him the prodigal son, Talking to his father, I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Do you sense the regret in those words? This is an emotional apology you are trying to say to the other person. I feel badly about what I've done. I'm hurting because I've hurt our relationship. Psalm 51, Verse 17. A broken and a contrite heart. Oh, God you will not despise you see, God knows our hearts. And when we come to God with a broken heart, over what we have done, God is fully willing to forgive us. This is a language in which we're trying to communicate to the other person a broken heart. I am hurting because I have hurt our relationship. I'm sorry, Expressing regret a second apology. Language is accepting responsibility. I was wrong, should not have done that. No excuse for that. Now, some people have difficulty saying the words. I was wrong. I remember years ago before, I was as spiritual as I am now. I got up one morning and said to my wife, Carolyn, where's my briefcase And she said to Gary, I haven't seen your briefcase I said, look, it was in there by the dresser. You must have moved it And she said, I haven't seen your briefcase I said, Carolyn, think I know where the thing was. Who else would have moved It means nobody here. Who else would have moved it? I went on two or three more rounds without every round I got higher, higher, higher. I was screaming at my wife. Can you believe that me? Well, I was nice to the children. I drove them to school, have a nice day to Da, Da, Da. But when I got rid of the children, I went back to being angry with my wife. And I'm driving to the church to my office thinking, how could I have married such a scatterbrained woman this time? She's lost my briefcase. I don't even know who I'm going to see today, my schedules in the briefcase. I don't know what I'm going to do today. When I got to church, I did not walk in the door by the administrative assistance. I walked in the back door to my office. Folks, when you have sinned, you don't want to see people. You want to do what Adam and Eve did in the garden, get you a bush and hide behind it, and hope that God

won't see you. I went in the back door to my office, and I walked into my office and there was my briefcase. Now I have an option I can say to myself, I'm not going to let her know it was out here or I could practice what I preach. And if I had done the former, I obviously would not be using this for an illustration. So I called her, Hi babe. I found my briefcase. She didn't say anything. She knew there ought to be more to it than that. And so I said to her, I'm sorry I yelled at you, I was wrong. Not easy to admit that we're wrong. In fact, why don't we try it out loud. That's all together. Just say it. I was wrong. Here we go. I was wrong. See, some of you had trouble even on a dry run. I was wrong. Luke Chapter 15 21. Again, the prodigal son. I have sinned against heaven and against you. Incidentally. Anytime we sin against someone else, we sin against God. So, we need to confess to God, and we need to apologize to the person first, John 19. If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us. Same thing is true on the human level. If we're willing to admit that we're wrong, most of the time people will forgive us. Third, apology language making restitution or offer to make restitution. What can I do to make this up to you? What can I do to make this right? You see, many of us have never even thought of this. Our parents never even mentioned the idea of making restitution or offering to make restitution. And yet, when Zach es encountered Jesus in Luke chapter 198, you remember what he said, the people I've stolen from, I'm going to pay them back four times. What I took, that is restitution. I sent this manuscript to a friend of mine in California who's a counselor, and I said, I want you to read this and I want you to give me feedback. He wrote back and said, Gary, man, this thing helped me in my marriage He said, as we read the manuscript, I realized that my language, what I've always thought was an apology is simply to express regret and to say I'm sorry. He said, If my wife has offended me through the years and she says to me, honey, I'm sorry. I can let it go. I am willing to forgive her He said, So what have I done for 20 years When I offend my wife, I say to her, I'm sorry, honey And he said, It's always seemed to me she just couldn't

let it go. It's like she just couldn't quite forgive me. And he said, as we was reading the manuscript, my wife we got to the point on restitution. And my wife said to me, that's it. That's what I've been waiting for all these years. You have never offered to make restitution when you do wrong He said, Gary never crossed my mind to offer to make restitution He said, but now after I tell her, I'm sorry. I'll ask her, Honey, what can I do to make this right And he said she always has an idea, and when I do it, she's willing to let it go. You see, she was judging his sincerity because he wasn't apologizing in a language that she considered to be a sincere apology. Apology language number four, genuinely repenting, expressing the desire to change. I don't like this about me. I know I did the same thing last month. I don't want to keep doing this. Can we talk? Can you help me? Can we get a plan so I won't do this anymore? I don't like this about me. It's expressing the desire to change acts chapter two and verse 38. Peter preached repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins. Jesus himself came preaching repentance. It's a central theme in the Old Testament and the New Testament, and for some people, this is what it means to apologize. And if you don't express the desire to change your behavior in their mind, you have not apologized. I was sharing this in the counseling office and a wife said to me, you know, Dr. Chapman, I can give you a perfect example of that in our marriage. She said, several years ago, when our children were little, she said, I think our baby was about 18 months old. My husband lost his temper with our baby. The baby was crying and he was trying to get the baby to stop crying. And he did everything he knew to do, and he couldn't get the baby to stop crying. And so in his anger, he picked up our baby and started shaking our baby. And when he did, she said, I grabbed our baby and said, don't do that to our baby. And I ran to the bedroom and I was just sobbing with our baby. And she said 10 minutes later, my husband knocked on the door and asked if he

could come in. And when he came in, he said, Honey, I can't believe I did that. You know, I love our baby. I don't ever want to do that again. Can you help me? Can we get a plan so that I'll never do that again Because I don't ever want to do that to one of our babies. She said, Dr. Chapman, I sensed he was so sincere that I was willing to forgive him. And we sat there and worked out a simple plan that if he ever felt himself about to lose it with one of our children, he would simply turn to me and say, Honey, I'm getting hot, I've got to take a walk. And he would take a walk, and 30 minutes later, or an hour later, he'd come back. He didn't take the whole evening off. He'd come back and say, Okay, honey, I'm under control. What can I do to help you And he'd plug back in. She said that was eight years ago. He has never lost it with one of our children since then. She said he's taken several walks, but he's never lost it. You see, for some people, this is what it means to apologize. Number five, requesting forgiveness. I must admit to you, this one had never crossed my mind. My reasoning was surely people know if you're apologizing that you want to be forgiven, why would you have to verbalize it? Why would you have to say, will you please forgive me? Or I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Why would you have to verbalize it? But for some people, this is what it means to apologize. If you don't verbalize your apology, then in their mind, you have not apologized. Dr. Thomas was sharing this with her. I wrote this book with Dr. Thomas, was sharing this with her mother. And her mother said, well, I can give you a perfect example of that at work She said, I have a friend at work. We've been friends for 15 years But I noticed one day that she seemed rather cold. On a break, I said to her, Is everything all right between you and me And she said my friend said to me, you know what I don't like about you. That's a friend. You know what I don't like about you. You don't ever apologize. And her mother said, I was blown away And I said, what do you mean? And she said, you remember three weeks ago when you did Da, Da, da, Da? And she said, yes, I remember that She said, but I told you I was sorry. And the lady said, I know but you didn't ask me to forgive you And her mother said, Well, let me ask

you to forgive me. I value our relationship, will you please forgive me? And the lady said, sure. You see, it wasn't that she didn't want to forgive her, it was that in her mind, her mother had not apologized. So you understand what happens. People miss each other in their efforts to apologize. Just as we have different love languages, we also have different apology languages. Each of us consider something a little different to be a sincere apology. Now here's what I hope by sharing these with you. I hope that in family relationships and in roommate situations, you can actually discuss this and discover what each of you considers to be a sincere apology. And you can learn to verbalize it in a way that will speak to the heart. But the other thing I hope is that now that you know that there are at least five different ways to express apologies, that when someone apologizes to you in any of these ways, that you'll give them credit for it and you'll just say in your mind, oh, well, that's what their mother and dad taught them. I'm sorry. So now that I know that's an apology language, I'm going to forgive them. I hope it's going to make it easier for you to let it go and forgive them because you realize that they're simply speaking a different language. If you want to know what your apology language is, or anyone else for that matter, you can ask these questions when I apologize. What do I typically say or do now? If you can't remember apologizing, you're overdue. Second question. What hurts me most about this situation? If you're in a situation where the relationships fractured and you're asking yourself what hurts me most about this? And if you say what hurts me most is they won't admit that they're wrong. They said they were sorry, but they won't admit that they're wrong. You're telling yourself that that's your language, that's what you consider to be a sincere apology. Or if you say, what hurts me most is they make no offer to do anything about it. They said they're sorry they're wrong, and they want me to forgive them. But they make no effort to do anything about it. They're telling you that making restitution is what they consider to be a sincere apology. And the third question is, what could they say or do that would

make it easier for me to forgive them? If you answer that question, you're telling yourself what you consider to be a sincere apology. Now the flip side, completing the circle, the forgiveness part. I don't have time to go in that very much, but forgiveness is a Godly response to a sincere apology. It is responding to another in the same way that God responds to us. God, knowing the heart. It doesn't matter how you express it to God. Incidentally, in this requesting forgiveness in Psalm 51, verse two. Listen to the words of David when he's talking to God and apologizing, blot out my transgressions, wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin, three different ways. David is asking God to forgive him, and so what I'm suggesting is this, when we choose to forgive, we are choosing a Godly response to a sincere apology. I hope it's going to help you learn to apologize and learn to forgive more easily and more freely. And perhaps tonight we'll talk a little bit more about the forgiveness part. Because forgiveness does not remove the memory. Forgiveness does not remove all painful emotions. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong. Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. It opens the door to the possibility of rebuilding trust. I hope that you will, in your efforts here at the college, that you will reflect upon personal relationships. And as I said last night, I want to encourage you before you finish your training here, spend at least some of your elective classes taking classes that relate to relationships and marriage and family. Don't spend all of your time preparing for a career, and almost no time preparing for marriage. Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships, and the time to prepare for marriage is not after you get engaged. The time to prepare for marriage is now. There are some things you ought to be learning now about relationships that will prepare you for marriage. When that time comes, let's pray together while your heads are bowed. Can I ask you a question or two just for reflection? Many of you are going to be going home and be with family over Thanksgiving. Are there fractured relationships in your family? Would you be willing to apologize to the

persons involved? Maybe it wasn't all your fault. Maybe you've just withdrawn, shut the door. Maybe you need to apologize for withdrawing from the relationship. But whatever God speaks to you about, would you right now, just open your heart and ask God to teach you how to apologize for your failures in your relationships and to give you a forgiving spirit to those who offend you. Our father. We are your people because of what Christ did for us on the cross, but we are imperfect. You know all of our relationships. You know all of us individually, You know those of us who have offended and need to apologize. You know those of us who have been offended and who really need to go and lovingly confront those who have heard us and seek to be reconciled to them. I pray that during the time we're at home for the holidays that our relationships will be enhanced. Because we spent a few minutes together this morning reflecting upon dealing with our failures, I ask this for your glory. I ask this for our good in the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen. God bless you. You are dismissed.