Discussion 1: Parenting

The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families

The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families Program Transcript

BETSY FLANIGAN: Well, definitely the most challenging were the two times he went to Vietnam. And the first time that Desmond was sent to Vietnam, our son had just been born. There certainly was an adjustment period when Desmond returned from Vietnam. And it was definitely more pronounced in the first few months.

And again, because we were new parents, and I think Desmond's expectations were high, he didn't realize toddlers don't understand sometimes what the rules are. So that kind of thing was very difficult. There were times when they were upset. They didn't understand what to do. So that's where I think we could have benefit from parenting classes, or at least getting together with other parents. A support group or something would have been good.

But a lot of the wives complained about the same thing. Because for a full year, they were the one in charge. They were the ones the children looked up to, the mothers. But then all of a sudden, Daddy's home and who do I look at? If they don't agree on what the rules are, then where does the child go?

We had a permanent change of station. It meant we were new in the neighborhood, but half the other people were new also because everybody was moving. We were all military, going from one post to another. That eased it a little bit. Certainly, there was some disruption. Children wanted to be with their old friends.

And each child kind of handled it in a special way, I think. Our oldest son, Colin, was 1 and 1/2 when we moved to Fort Carson, Colorado. And I brought them to the army day care center because I had to attend a luncheon. When I came back after to pick him up, they had promoted him to the three year olds because he was such a tough player.

I mean, he was strong and competitive. And they said, he doesn't really belong with the one-year-olds. So that's how he coped. And then our second son, Kevin, he did not want to be a part of that. So he very clearly said-- he could express himself very well-- I don't want to go to the post nursery. So we found a babysitter to come in, so that was helpful. But each one handled it on their own.

And then, of course, Ann, our daughter, because we were in army quarters, there were just the three bedrooms. So that meant there were two boys and then a girl in the one room. And the boys were in bunk beds and Ann was in a little cot beside them. So their favorite thing was to jump from the top bunk bed on top of Ann.

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The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families

Well, so she giggled and liked it because she knew she was going to have a turn and she'd get to go to the top bunk bed and jump on them. So that was how she grew up tough. Again, because there wasn't much of a difference-- if you're on post, you're not singled out like everybody else. If you had to go to a civilian community and you're the only military, I guess that would be a difference. But if everybody's the same and you're altogether, then it's not a huge adjustment.

I think the different roles of being a mother and the head of the household for a while-- and then when Desmond comes home and being a wife, and a mother, and a co-parent-- so that's the tricky part. And I think for me, I envisioned, what I expected was oh, good. Now, I'm no longer in charge. I don't want to be the bad guy that the children look-- now we can have two of us, two against three.

But when he came home, it wasn't quite that way because he didn't understand my rules, and he again, was much stricter. So there was a conflict there. So that was a very difficult time and I don't think the children knew how to handle it, and nor did I. But I've always liked the role of being the heart of the household and the husband being the head of the household. That does not mean that he gives orders to me.

I liked that part, that he was in charge. That was fine. As long as he allowed me full say, which he did. But we disagreed on how strict to be. I think that was our biggest thing.

KRISTIN WILKINSON: Our oldest daughter, Britney, my stepdaughter, has a chronic medical condition. She was born with respiratory papillomas. And she required multiple, multiple surgeries since she was an infant. If Michael had been home and he wasn't deployed, it would've been easier to probably follow through on the speech therapy, to follow through on the surgeries, and to practice because she had that bond with him already.

So it made it very, very challenging to try and put the rules together. It was my responsibility to put the rules down, try to encourage her to do things. And when Michael wasn't home, she tried to rebel against them. But then when Michael was home, I tried to ask him to also enforce the rules. And because he was deployed for so long and didn't want to deal with rules, he often ignored them as well.

So the whole entire time, we're out in deployment, and even his in-and-out's that he would take, I was the proverbial bad guy. And it was challenging. And it made it very difficult transition with Britney and I. But I think we really worked through it.

To share a story of how far Britney and I had come-- from the point where she did not want to pay attention to the things I was doing when we first got together and going through those deployments, to the time she graduated high school-- her biological mother had come out to see her graduation. And she pulled me

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The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families

aside the morning of her graduation and said, I just want you to know, I know I'm going to have some pictures with me and my dad, I hope that doesn't make you feel bad. I really want you to know that you really are my mom.

And it was very telling. So I don't think that if we didn't go through some of the things that we went through-- and it was really hard going through deployment. We really worked through it and we really became a stronger family. She and I became a stronger mother and daughter.

The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families Additional Content Attribution

Images used with permission of Kristin Wilkinson.

Flanigan , D. (n.d.). Flanigan Images [Photographs]. Images used with permission of Desmond Flanigan.

MUSIC: Creative Support Services Los Angeles, CA

Dimension Sound Effects Library Newnan, GA

Narrator Tracks Music Library Stevens Point, WI

Signature Music, Inc Chesterton, IN

Studio Cutz Music Library Carrollton, TX

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