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Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3 Program Transcript

NARRATOR: Aaron and Robyn are seeing a counselor, as they are concerned about the alcohol drinking behavior of their adolescent daughter, Michelle. As you watch this segment, observe the techniques used by the counselor.

COUNSELOR: I'm wondering, Aaron, what it would feel like if in our work together that we could work towards having you move towards being more connected with your family and expressing love in a little bit different way than you're used to? Because one of the things that I heard loud and clear is that when you come home on the weekends-- And I don't know how accurate this is. I didn't check this out with you. But when you come home on the weekends, you go out and play golf, because it's probably a time where you get to wind down. There's probably still very little time that you spend with the family.

AARON: I'm willing to try anything. Whatever keeps my daughter from going down the road she's on now. I've heard some things today that are really new to me. And I'm just trying to make sense of it now. And I'm just trying to make it settle. But I'm OK with trying things.

COUNSELOR: My hunch is that when we begin to do counseling work together like this, that sometimes people have this sense about counseling, that it's this tranquil, wonderful, feel-good type of situation. But it's really a disruptive thing that occurs. When you're coming here and you're sitting here as a family and you're saying, we have a problem, in some ways I communicate to you. I'm here to help you disrupt your family right now. And that can be a very unsettling thing.

I was just thinking, Michelle, if I were you, one of the things I might feel like is like, oh wait a second. I'm not ready to have this situation. Go away. Like I'm not ready to have my mom and my relationship disrupted in any way.

MICHELLE: No. And at this point, I want to be out with my friends. I don't need a bunch of new rules. I don't need all this right now. I'm at the end of high school. I'm about to leave. I just-- No.

COUNSELOR: So when you think about trying new things to make it work in your family differently, your investment is up in the are with that right now. Like you're saying, I'm not interested in making any changes in my life.

MICHELLE: Because I'm hearing just rules.

COUNSELOR: So when you heard me to talk to your dad about him learning how to express his love differently than he does, you hear that as rules?

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

MICHELLE: Well whenever you're around, yeah that's what it is. So I don't know what else it's going to be.

COUNSELOR: How would you want him to communicate his love to you?

MICHELLE: Well, if you show up to something that I do. Start there. There's always a game that I cheer at you can show up to if you're interested.

COUNSELOR: Do you play softball or volleyball?

MICHELLE: No. I'm a cheerleader.

COUNSELOR: Cheerleader. OK. So one of the things that would be different for you, but that might feel good to you, is if your dad came and saw you cheer.

MICHELLE: [INAUDIBLE] like my mom.

COUNSELOR: Yeah. So that would be different. And that might be a start.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

COUNSELOR: Robyn, I'm wondering what it would be like for you to-- wondering if you would be willing to learn some different ways of relating to Aaron that maybe you had done before when Michelle was younger, but that maybe have gotten pushed to the side a little bit as you've grown up.

ROBYN: This might sound corny, but we used to-- My favorite board game is Yahtzee. And we used to play Yahtzee all the time. And it was just a lot of fun. It was a way to connect. And maybe that's something we could start doing again.

AARON: We had fun doing that. I won't deny that.

COUNSELOR: And one of the things that I would encourage us to do in terms of follow up work is not so much me making sure that you're playing Yahtzee every week. But me checking in with you and just seeing how things are going and just what changes. Because this is a place where when we meet, we check in. And I talk with you about how things are going. But the real work that occurs really occurs on the outside of this office.

You all have participated in sharing some very tender things about your family in terms of this being your first time in counseling. This is really a hard thing sometimes to sit in front of a stranger and talk about such personal things. And you've all done great today. But one of things I'd like to encourage you to do is to, as we go along, not necessarily figure out some strategies and give you a list of things that you can do. And all of a sudden you're going to have a happy family

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

again. But just to begin to consider relating to each other in a different way. That's sometimes hard.

Again, Michelle, from your end, it would be a little bit of a challenge to give up your mom if your mom and dad started connecting with each other in a more loving way and the distance shortened between the two, there might be feelings in you that say, well where am I in this picture? And does my mom loves my dad more than me, that kind of thing? Whereas right now, you feel like you have a pretty close relationship with her.

ROBYN: Well can't it be that he could be part of this and that we don't really have to change?

COUNSELOR: Probably. That's not for me to say. It's for you all to work out to each other. I'm not sure that you would want to come in and join your family drinking. Because I'm hearing that that's a really big concern for you.

AARON: Yeah. The drinking thing, I'm very uncomfortable with that. I don't want to be part of encouraging my daughter to drink.

COUNSELOR: Again, that's not something that just is a casual thing for you. It really causes, not only some big concerns, but some anger comes up and around. I want Robyn and I to be parents to Michelle and show her the right way and--

AARON: Yes. Yes.

COUNSELOR: And not participate in destructive behavior for her.

AARON: You're absolutely correct. You hit it dead on.

COUNSELOR: And that's an area for you that I would think would be tough to work through. Because you have a very different view of that. You're feeling like, I've got to balance out this roughness that my husband has. And I want to show her what the world is really like. I also get a sense that there's a, if I don't drink with her, she might go out and drink with others and really get in trouble.

ROBYN: And I didn't know that she was doing that. So that's definitely something we need to revisit and talk about. Because that's not safe, if she's out riding in cars or driving while drinking.

COUNSELOR: You had this arrangement. You thought, well if I drink with her, that'll keep her from drinking with her friends. But That's not how it's turned out.

ROBYN: But we'll talk about that.

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

COUNSELOR: Well I appreciate you coming in, as I said. I'm wondering if you have any questions for me about today. Maybe even if you could just talk about what you're taking away from our meeting today. Robyn you can start. What are you taking away today?

ROBYN: Well I was able to hear Aaron a little bit differently. Instead of him just coming down and laying down the law of the land, I hear a little bit more that maybe he thinks he's showing us love that way. He thinks he's showing me love this way. And he thinks he's showing Michelle love this way. And maybe that's something else that I'll take away too, is that I have feelings and Michelle has feelings. But they're not necessarily our combined feelings.

COUNSELOR: Yeah. Thank you.

ROBYN: Thank you.

COUNSELOR: Michelle what are you taking away? Maybe a discovery that you had or something that you're taking away today.

MICHELLE: Well, I guess it'd be something like that. You do care. And it's not that you're just trying to care just by giving us money. So that's nice to know, because I didn't know that.

COUNSELOR: It'd be nice to hear it every once in a while.

MICHELLE: Yeah. That would be nice. Or maybe not to hear it, but to do something else. Get to know me before I have to leave. So that would be nice.

COUNSELOR: That would be a really good thing to talk about next time we do meet too, what that's like for you. And maybe some longings that you have to get closer to your dad before you do leave. Thank you. Aaron, what are you taking away?

AARON: I'm taking away, a, a lot of just stuff I didn't know. And I'm still trying to let that settle. As hard as it was for me, I've heard some real concerns from both my wife and my daughter that I'm concerned, I should have been hearing for quite awhile now. And I'm leaving here with all that, but also a little disappointment about myself.

COUNSELOR: Yeah. And I appreciate that this is for you today, it's been a real eye opener in terms of some things that you didn't know was going on. One of the things that is really important that I typically tell my families in these types of situations is, it's really important for you, as we work together, to cut each other some slack. This is hard stuff, when you make changes in your lives. And these changes affect each other in ways that we really can't anticipate.

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

And so what may seem like resistance or something that feels like adversarial or harsh, may be somebody's attempt to change something that they're doing. And it's really important to not rush to judgment and get condemning of one another, because this is hard stuff. All right. Well I look forward to meeting with you next week. And again, nice to meet you.

MICHELLE: Thank you.

AARON: Thanks Doc. Thanks.

NARRATOR: Shawn and Weston are seeing a counselor as they are dealing with feelings of growing apart in their relationship. As you watch this segment, observe the techniques used by the counselor.

COUNSELOR: I want to make sure that I'm clear with this commitment. So part of what you said was that you're willing to not talk about your job so much. Now with what Weston committed to, we have a pretty easy way of measuring whether or not this happened. Either it does or doesn't. There's a very concrete thing. How will we know that the things that you committed to today, Shawn, would be delivered on?

SHAWN: Well for the date night, that takes some work to restructure my schedule. Because I just made partner at the law firm. So I would definitely, even though I'm partner, we still working 12 and 15 hour days. So that would definitely for me to say, hey, I'm leaving at five on this day because this day is important. That would definitely show that I'm committed to that.

And the other thing is that I am willing to write down what it is I want to talk about and try and ex out the things that aren't relevant. And I don't mind showing that to you, to show that I do hear what he's saying and I am willing to do that, to make our conversation more focused and more about us, and less about our job and the things we do at work.

COUNSELOR: So I heard a very concrete action of leaving at five on date night so that we have this evening free. And the list also. And those sound like some pretty measurable action steps. So as you identify these action steps for yourself, what do you notice?

SHAWN: I'm hopeful, very helpful. It's definitely something that I can do. So it's not something that's so hard that I don't think I can do it. But it will be difficult. I do realize and understand it will be difficult. And it will be challenging from that perspective. So I'm a little nervous about the follow through in actually doing it.

COUNSELOR: New actions are pretty frightening for any of us. And, again, I spoke of vulnerability a moment ago with Weston. And I'll again speak of it here, because vulnerability is an important, actually very central part of being in

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

relationships. We want to learn how to be vulnerable with the person we love the most and with whom we've chosen to spend our lives. And so that's a really valuable thing to work toward. And with it being new, it also feels pretty risky to move toward that.

And so I'll check in then finally with you Weston. And from what Shawn said and has offered of leaving the office at five for date night and writing down his list of things that happen during the workday and really focusing on how to ex out those things are very, well, work oriented. What's it like for you? What do you think?

SHAWN: I'm excited about the date night. I really am. We need more of that. And I'm excited about that. And even as I'm listening, I may be being a little bit too harsh on not wanting to not hear about work, or however that comes out. But my goal of that is I really want to hear about you.

So I'm not saying you can't talk about work. But make it about you versus, which lawyer did what thing and what case they did. I want to hear about you. I know it's difficult. And maybe it's not the clearest thing at this point. But That's what I'm looking for, versus just talking.

COUNSELOR: I find myself equally as excited about date night. It just sounds wonderful.

SHAWN: Want to come along?

COUNSELOR: No, I really don't. I really want you to go have your date. That's really critical here. So we're going to go ahead and wrap up. And is it agreed then? Does next week at the same time work for both of you?

WESTON: I got to check my schedule first. I don't know if I can make next week.

SHAWN: Yeah. Me too. Just making partner, I don't know. We'll just have to check our schedules.

COUNSELOR: OK. So what I'm understanding is that we've just spent 45 minutes talking about the difficulty of scheduling together time. And that you're now sitting here telling me that you're not sure that you could make it to next week's session. But we're going to go ahead and check our schedules. Am I the only person noticing something that's been a problem happening right in this moment?

SHAWN: No. That's the problem. That's the problem. You're right. That is the issue.

WESTON: You're right. We get so wrapped up we forget where our priorities really lie.

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

SHAWN: Yeah. So we will be here next week.

COUNSELOR: OK.

SHAWN: Well, I'll be here next week.

WESTON: I will be here.

COUNSELOR: OK. I'll be here.

SHAWN: Same time. Same time. We'll be here next week.

COUNSELOR: And I'm really glad to hear that. And the things I want to check in with next week are with our homework. I want to know how the egg timer worked out. And most importantly, I really want to know how the date works out. And so I look forward to next week and seeing you folks again.

SHAWN: Thank you.

WESTON: Thanks.

COUNSELOR: Thank you.

NARRATOR: Billie is coping with the loss of a significant relationship. For six months, she has been working with a counselor, which is now concluding today. As you watch this segment, observe the techniques used by the counselor.

JASON: As I think about these last few minutes that we have left together, I can't help but notice the change that I experience in you today from that. I know I've said that a couple of times in our time together today probably. But--

BILLIE: Well, what do you see differently?

JASON: Well, there's a lot of difference. Right? Now you were experiencing some turmoil in the beginning. And so pretty much most of what I saw from you was fear, fear of the future, and fear of being alone, and distrust of yourself somewhere along the way.

But what I've noticed over time is that you've been more willing to trust your own emotions. And you're still willing to be fearful, if it's warranted. But even when you say the words anxiety and apprehension now, there's just such a transformed way that you can say it even with calmness. You can think about being anxious even with calmness now.

You've learned a lot about your ability to do these things and your ability to navigate relationships and have emotions, even if they're scary, and have your

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

own emotions, not inclusive as someone else necessarily. Not being worried about someone else's responses to those emotions in some way. And that level of trust that you've learned of yourself is something that I am experiencing is different from you now. There's just calmness that maybe wasn't there that first day.

BILLIE: I'm glad you said that. Because you specifically my experience and my emotions. And that's so true, because I had to give myself permission to experience my emotions. I didn't give myself permission to do it before because I didn't trust them.

And I felt that his were more important, what his needs are more important and his emotions are important. So I didn't give myself permission to even have feelings independent of him. And so now I give myself a lot more permission. You don't have a right to feel this way.

JASON: Well what was it that you said that you were afraid of happening if you had emotions around him?

BILLIE: That he would leave. That he would be upset and wouldn't be with me anymore if I expressed how I felt, if I had any opinion that differed from his. So I just--

JASON: So now he's not here.

BILLIE: Right.

JASON: So what?

BILLIE: What can I express?

JASON: He's not here now.

BILLIE: That's right.

JASON: You're OK?

BILLIE: That's right. That's right.

JASON: So the first day you came in, there was turmoil. And some thoughts for me about wanting to move quickly. And the next day you came in, things were a little bit calmer. About three months in we had, a blip on the radar. You saw him again.

BILLIE: Right.

Microskills: Family Counseling Techniques 3

JASON: And then about five months in, you said, how will I know when I'm done? And three times ago you said, I'm ready to be done. And today you are.

BILLIE: All right.

JASON: Well so go with the knowledge that I'm here. And if my life takes me somewhere else and I'm not here, you'll be OK. You have an opportunity to see other counselors if you need to. You can call me at that number.

I'm going to keep your records, of course, just as we discussed. And if you need them released, I can do that. Just contact me and I will do that for sure. And on that note, I hope that you know that this has been powerful for me as well.

BILLIE: For me as well,

JASON: OK. So take care.

BILLIE: Thank you. You too. Thank you Jason.

JASON: And thank you Billie.