Psychology REFLECTION ASSIGNMENT

Video: Why We Do Not Listen Better

Hi, I'm Dr. Jim Peterson. I wrote, Why don't we listen? Better, communicating and connecting in relationships. And I'm making this video especially for you. You've just been enrolled in the Masters in Counseling Program with Liberty, and this is a required reading book for you. Incidentally about this video, I've never done one of these before. You'll be struggling right along with me. A quick note about me. First, I've completed 40 years of pastoral ministry, the last ten years. Since retirement, I've been counseling as a licensed professional counselor. Over the 45 years, I spent time teaching, doing workshops and classes in listening skills, anger management, personal growth, more recently have spent time teaching counselors like you, how to counsel and work with people. How to listen and increase your listening skills and abilities. My book contains a wealth of information and illustrations and experience that I expect you will find very helpful. The common response from many of the readers and even counselors to reading the book is that before they read it, they thought they were really good listeners. What they found as they work their way through it was that they weren't so good at it. After all, under the pressure of listening, they began to feel like they needed to solve the problem. So they started giving advice, trying to problem solve, and too quickly turn to talking rather than listening. When I started the ministry 50 years ago, I did the same thing. I didn't know how to listen. I jumped to give advice. I felt under pressure. If they got worse, I got worse. If they got better, I was just temporarily relieved until the next week. And then if they got worse, I was worse again. But as I gained experience and learned about listening and counseling, I got to the place where I had done it for so many years, that when a new person would come in and they'd start talking about the problem they had, I'd realize, oh, I know that one, that's number 37, not a problem at all. I'd be right ready to jump in and tell them what to do with it. But I had learned by that time to bite my tongue, help them sort it out, and remember it was their problem, not mine as their problem. My job was to be responsible to them, not for them to be responsible to them was to help them sort and figure it out so that when they came to a conclusion, it was theirs, not mine. When it was their solution, they took it on with different energy and made real changes in their lives. It may come as a surprise to you to find that there are no footnotes and no scholarly lingo. In the book, I wrote it for people to hear and understand and be able to make use of it. In fact, you'll hear words like the flat brain, the hard hearts and fat bellies. You'll hear the flat brain tango. You'll hear the double reverse twist in counseling, many odd phrases, but they're memorable. And you'll find them useful I expect. Let me first background you on how I wrote this book. As I mentioned, it didn't spring out of a year's study and writing. It grew out of many years of counseling, pastoral ministry teaching, learning, and professional experience. I wrote the first part as part of my doctoral dissertation 30 years ago. The dissertation included a project, and that was the book portion that is the background for this book, in that I was attempting to convert the materials I developed in teaching and working with people into that usable and very practical book for people to use in order to change their own lives. In other words, I never intended the book to be a textbook. I hoped that it would be useful from the professional office to the person on the street with natural, easy going language and phrases and ideas that people would remember and be able to use. I'm honored and flattered that the content of the book itself has become useful and required reading for counseling class in a university and seminary setting. It may also come as a surprise to you to see the price of the book being so low. I've kept the cost low to make it accessible to people who find it on the internet, to churches and to students. It can be a very inexpensive tool for your family, for your friends. For your counsels. You might wonder why I didn't use religious language in the book. I wanted it to be a crossover book, just as useful in sacred and secular settings. I've taught or used it with pastors and counselors, businesses and university settings, caring ministry groups and churches with couples and families with two city governments and now with returning military couples. Now the evangelical part of me teaches a theology of love and acceptance with your eyes that see, You'll find that just under the surface of the book. I'm going to touch on some of the sections in my book just briefly. I expect you'll chuckle when you run across the flat brain syndrome that pictures our emotions which I put in the belly area, overloading, putting pressure on our relating functions that I call the heart functions. And push right up through the system to the brain, putting pressure on the brain. It flattens and we can't think straight. If you think of that brain squishing and flattening, what it does is it puts pressure on the ear drums, so we don't hear accurately. And it puts pressure on the eyeballs from inside and we don't see accurately. Think our seeing and our hearing all go to pieces when we're upset. Oddly enough, the only thing that works well then is the mouth. The trouble is, is connected to a defective brain. We need to move beyond that, into being calm and relaxed and easy. And we do that by being heard and understood, or we do it for other people by listening well to them. The book teaches how to do that. When two people get involved who are flat brain, then you have what I call the flat brain tango. Escalation takes place. There's attacking and defending. That just blows relationships. This leads into what I use as a talker listener card. Here you have talker on one side and the listener on the other. It includes the roles, what you do do and don't do. Set it between two people and it keeps clear who's talking and who's listening. When you use it that way, it keeps you remembering that there are times when you're a listener and there are times when you're a talker and they really are different experiences and different roles. The cards are available on our website and you can also get a PDF to put on the back of your business card. So that when you hand your business card out to someone, they have the talk er, listener card on the back of it. And they will keep your card because it's a great tool. There are 30 listening techniques in the book. Many of them are part of a generic pool, but many of them are mine. I find very useful if you want to deal with anger. The bullfighter technique is wonderful if you want to endear yourself to a spouse or partner. Learning the pebble in the pound method is great. Pebble in the pond method is great if you're dealing with old folks in a rest home who tell the same old stories. Old folks and boring stories will help turn that relationship around. Now finally, how can you get the most out of my book, the Y book? You may be tempted to do a quick read to complete your assignment, but to be honest, that won't do you much good. It's not a novel to be read one time through, It's a workbook. It's put together all in short sections so that you can return to them and find them. In fact, the table of contents is easy and extensive so that it'll get you back to the places you need. Take one listening technique, read it, then practice it all that day or all that week when you're at the grocery store, on the telephone with your spouse, whoever. I look forward to hearing from you how the book impacts your personal and professional life. If you have any questions or comments, send me a quick email. In fact, if you'd like our newsletter that has tips and updates on listening, include your e mail address and we'd be glad to add you to the list. You, of course, can get off of it at any time that you'd like to thank you for your purchase. Your time and happy listening.