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Beyond Quality Time.

Galinsky, Ellen

Parenting. Oct99, Vol. 13 Issue 8, p162. 6p. 2 Black and White Photographs, 3 Graphs.

Article

PARENT-child relationships PARENTING

Offers information on the results of a study on the time spent by parents and their children together. Perception of children on the activities they do with their parents; How parents describe the times they spent with their children; Strategies that can help parents and children feel better about themselves and each other.

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BEYOND QUALITY TIME

New research reveals surprising findings about the ways we spend time with our kids and what they want most from us For years now, study after study has explored the effects on children of their parents' working. Do moms and dads really have enough time with their kids? Is it harmful for mothers to hold down a full-time job? But all of the research has focused on what parents say, or how kids are observed behaving. What about what children themselves feel and say?

I've spent many years exploring the worlds of work and family at the Families and Work Institute, in New York City, and the time is right to finally get some answers. I recently completed the first large-scale study (nationally representative groups of more than 1,000 kids and 600 parents with kids from birth through high school) designed to do just that. The children came from all kinds of families: where both the mother and father worked, some full-time, some part-time; where one or both parents were not employed; two-parent homes; and single-parent homes. The parents had at least one child and were all employed, either full- or part-time. The responses of children were illuminating, reassuring, and surprising; I think they will change the way we think about work and about family life forever.

Take the quality time/quantity time debate. We've long thought of this subject in either/or terms: Is it better for kids to get lots of time with their parents or to spend the time they do have on valuable activities? But the research fond that it's both the quantity of time and the content of it that matter.

Despite everything we hear proclaiming that parents' working is okay or even good for their children, whenever mothers or fathers feel there's a problem about managing work and family life, they tend to blame it primarily on not having enough time with their children. For instance, we asked parents, "If you were granted one wish to

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change the way work affects your child's life, what would it be?" Nearly 25 percent wished for more time together. Another 16 percent said they wanted to work less.

Then we asked, "If your child were granted one wish to change the way that your work affects his or her life, what would that wish be?" The largest proportion of parents--21 percent--thought their child would want more time with them; 19 percent thought he or she would want them to work less; and 16 percent thought he or she would want them to not work at all.

Taken together, 56 percent of parents mentioned time.

But here's the surprising news: Despite parents' concerns that they're not spending enough time with their children, the majority of kids think they are: 67 percent say they have enough time with Mom, and 60 percent with Dad. What's more, children with mothers who are at home and those with mothers who work are equally likely to feel they have enough time together.

The Power of Hours Does this mean that working parents should stop worrying about how much time they have with their kids? Not necessarily.

The more time children spend with their employed parents--on workdays and non-workdays--the more likely they are to feel that their parents are successful at managing work and family responsibilities, and to see them as putting their family first.

What parents and kids do in their time together counts too. Children who more frequently participate in activities with Mom or Dad--sharing a meal, playing a game or sport or exercising, doing homework, watching TV--are more likely to believe that their parents are successful at managing work and family responsibilities than those children who engage in these activities with their parents less frequently. They're also more likely to feel that their parents put family before work, and they are more likely to assess their parents more positively in terms of making them feel important and loved, being someone they can go to when they're upset, and knowing what's going on in their lives. The sheer regularity of doing things with our children goes hand in hand with their feeling better about us.

A Less Hectic Life Many parents worry about the effect the fast pace of today's world has on families. so we asked parents and children how rushed or calm their time together is. One in three parents and about two in five kids feel it's very or somewhat rushed. Many parents said that there never seems to be enough time after hours for family. "The evenings feel way too short," said one mother. "It seems like we have no evenings at all. We're rushing into bed so that we can get ready for the next day, so we can get home and get ready for the next."

Children told stories about hurried daily routines as well. "There's always something to do, somewhere to go, somebody to talk to," said one girl.

Kids see Mom and Dad more positively if their time with them is less rushed. For instance, 85 percent of children who rate their time with their mother as very calm feel that she's very successful in managing her work and family responsibilities, compared with 57 percent who rate it as very rushed. Sixty-four percent of children who say their time with their father is very calm rate him very positively for being someone they can go to when they're upset, compared with 36 percent of those who see it as very rushed.

Lending Your Ears

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When we asked parents to describe moments when they felt particularly successful at home, over and over I heard the word "focus." "I feel good when I can focus on my kids and can feel I am in the present and not always figuring out the next step," said a mother.

How do kids experience this? One boy said he can tell when his parents are really focused on him when "they aren't just saying things like, 'uh huh...uh hmmm.' They seem to be very intent on what I'm saying, they're not just looking away."

If parents aren't paying close attention, observed another child, "you can tell because you get a short and simple answer."

When children feel that their parents can focus on them, they're much more likely to feel that they manage their work and family responsibilities more successfully and put their families before their jobs. They also assess their moms and dads more positively for parenting skills, such as appreciating them for who they are and teaching them to enjoy learning.

But it's not only children who rate their parents better if they spend more time with them, do more activities together, and share calm, focused time. Parents, too, see themselves as more competent.

Since we found that both the quantity of time parents spend with their kids and the content and quality of that time affect how children see their parents (and how parents see themselves), he debate about the quality of time or the quantity of time is wrong. Plus, the word "quality" is outmoded because it's taken on a meaning that's virtually unattainable on an everyday basis. Nothing is ever imperfect in quality time--children don't throw food or act surly, and there are no disagreements or icy silences. But that's not reality in my house or probably in yours.

Better terms are "focused times" and "hang-around times." These are the words that parents and kids used to describe the time they spend together that makes them feel good.

Pressure Gauges Of course, spending relaxed, attentive hours with kids is often difficult for working parents. When we asked children what they'd change about how their parents work if they could, the top answer: They wish their parents would make more money. Is this because kids are overly materialistic? After all, they may fall prey to the lure of consumer culture, or they may hear their parents worry out loud about money. We can't fully know, but I suspect that children may interpret their parents' wish for money as a way to reduce pressure and stress. That would make sense, given their other answers:

34 percent wish their moms would be less stressed and less tired.

27.5 percent wish the same for their dads.

Only 10 percent said they wish their mothers would spend more time with them, and only 15.5 percent feel that way about their dads.

A mere 2 percent of parents guessed that what their children want most is for them to be less stressed and tired. One astute mother seemed to appreciate the dilemma quite well: "If you're stressed by work, the amount of time you spend with your children might be exactly the same, but you're not readily available."

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As we move toward a better understanding of what it takes to "live" work and family more successfully, we're discovering strategies that can help parents and kids feel better about themselves and each other:

SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN. This study showed that how much time parents work is not linked to the amount of time they spend with their kids. It's other things that get in the way, like to-do lists. So reorder your priorities: Ask yourself, is it better not to have dust balls in the house or to read a story to my child?

There's no magic amount of time to spend with your kids; it should feel like enough to both you and them. You can find out if it is enough for them by asking.

HANG AROUND TOGETHER. Play with the dog, stay in your pajamas on a Saturday morning, putter around the house while the kids are doing their own thing. Hang-around time needn't involve interacting, but simply being nearby and doing something within range of them.

GET INVOLVED IN ACTIVITIES. Do them with your children, not just for them. They needn't be elaborate-- choose simple things you both enjoy: Play Candyland, put together a jigsaw puzzle, do arts and crafts projects, coach a soccer or T-ball team. "We do really silly stuff," said one girl, "like in the car, singing harmony."

FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD. Pay attention to his cues and clues, and be responsive. Listen to him when he wants to talk. Comfort him when he's unhappy. Keep the channels of communication open; give him reason to trust that you're there for him.

One mother spoke of being out of sync with her son because of her work schedule. He wants to talk when he comes home from school, but she works a full day; by the time she walks in at 6:00, he's got his mind on other things and she's lost her moment. So she has him call her as soon as he gets home, and that way, she gets to hear about his day at school. Other times parents set aside for listening: dinner, family meetings, bedtime.

But of course, you can't always pre-script the right moment. For many parents, the best times for connecting happen in bits and spurts--say, when you're stuck in traffic or you're walking to the grocery store.

Whenever your focused time takes place, make sure you show your child respect. "Every day when I come home," said one child, "my parents ask me, 'How was school? Is there something we need to talk about?' And sometimes they ask me if they can make any improvements, as parents. I think if everybody's parents did that, there would be a lot more happy children." Indeed, though we remain in charge and responsible as adults, it always pays to ask the children.

ENOUGH OF A GOOD THING Do kids have enough time with their parents? Here's what they say

Mothers Fathers

TOO LITTLE TIME 28% 35% JUST ENOUGH TIME 67% 60% TOO MUCH TIME 6% 5%

MEASURING SUCCESS How kids say their parents manage work and family

Mothers Fathers

VERY SUCCESSFULLY 74% 69% SOMEWHAT SUCCESSFULLY 21% 26%

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SOMEWHAT UNSUCCESSFULLY 3% 3% VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY 2% 1.5%

IF ONLY... The one thing kids wish would happen to change the way their parents' work affects their lives

Mothers Fathers

SHE/HE WOULD MAKE MORE MONEY 23% 23% SHE/HE WOULD BE LESS STRESSED BY WORK 20% 15% SHE/HE WOULD BE LESS TIRED BY WORK 14% 12.5% SHE/HE WOULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME 10% 15.5%

Parents Speak Focused time is... "...reading to my children."

"...planning with my son how he can earn the money to purchase the tennis shoes he wants."

"...finding some little thing I can do with each of my children separately...even if it's just being in the car for 10 or 15 minutes, going to the drugstore."

"...when my kids were putting on a show, and the phone was ringing off the hook. I said, 'Don't answer it. Just let it ring.' I didn't want to hear from anybody else."

All Connected "When parents and children align their focus on each other, there appears to be a neurobiological process that is activated. This process, which mediates a sense of well-being, joy, and elation, is at the heart of emotional attunement--when one person feels 'felt' and understood by the other person. Such contingent communication is the basis for developing secure attachments. It begins in infancy and continues throughout the life span."

--Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., child and adolescent psychiatrist, and author of The Developing Mind

~~~~~~~~ By Ellen Galinsky

Ellen Galinsky is the president of the Families and Work Institute. From Ask the Children: What America's Children Really Think About Working Parents, by Ellen Galinsky. Copyright (C) 1999 by Ellen Galinsky. To be published this month by William Morrow & Co., Inc. Reprinted by permission.

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