Final paper

Hi Tara,

Good news! The review for your paper titled "Fifteen Takes on California" is ready.

Summary feedback from your tutor: Hi Tara, I’m Val, your writing tutor for this paper. Thank you for choosing TutorMe and for sharing your paper with me! It was a pleasure to read it. I have reviewed your submission and have some suggestions that will help you revise. Below, you will find a revision plan in addition to the margin comments within your paper. Please note that tutors do not proofread the draft for every possible error, but rather, focus on the more frequent and larger concerns, such as your thesis or development. We are not allowed to edit directly, hence the margin comments within the paper. Please note that tutors also do not point out every single grammatical error on the paper, so there may be multiples of the same type of error that you must double-check for. If you need more help, I advise you to try one of our live tutoring sessions, as I or another tutor would be more than happy to help you further. :) First off, you have done a nice job of making some good points. For your revisions, I suggest focusing on: 1. Add a clear thesis. The last sentence of your introduction paragraph should state your thesis. A thesis conveys your position on a topic and provides focus for your essay—basically, it is what you are hoping to accomplish or prove in this paper. A simple equation for a thesis statement might look something like this: Specific topic + your opinion or the claim+ your supporting reasons = Thesis A simple example would be: “Smoking (topic) is bad (claim) because it can cause heart problems, give you cancer, and even lead to death (3 supporting reasons).” Try adding a thesis like this to the end of your introduction. Once you have a clear claim and, typically 3, supporting reasons, you can focus one body paragraph on each one. The number of supporting reasons will depend on the assignment. Going off the previous example, with that thesis, one would focus 1 paragraph on smoking causing heart problems, 1 paragraph on smoking causing cancer, and 1 paragraph on smoking causing death. Having a clear and well-developed thesis will help you with the overall flow and organization of your essay! For help writing a thesis, click here: http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/writing-a-thesis 2. Organizing Ideas. Try outlining your ideas to help you organize your paper. What are the key or main points you want to make? Separate these into their own sections and only discuss 1 idea per paragraph. Remember to focus on the assignment at hand. For more information on developing outlines to help with organization, click here: http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/outlining 3. Introduction. The introduction to a paper is a very important section, in that it sets the expectations of the reader. While there is no one formula for a good introduction, in general, an introduction to a formal paper of this type should accomplish the following: • Attract the reader’s attention • Introduce your topic • Establish why the reader should care about your topic • State your thesis Please try to do these things in your introduction. This is where the focus for your essay starts too. For more help writing your introduction, click here: http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/introductions-conclusions Conclusion. Include a conclusion to your paper that reminds the reader of your overall purpose or thesis statement, sums up the most important points made in your paper, and ends with a statement of the significance of this topic—why does it matter. For more help constructing a strong conclusion, see this guide: http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/introductions-conclusions 4. Proofread closely. You have several errors in your writing and these distract your reader from what you are communicating. Before submitting this assignment, I suggest that you proofread and edit your paper more closely. I suggest reading it aloud to yourself to catch all the little errors; for example, hearing when there are natural pauses should signal you to use/not use a comma. Then, try running your paper through Grammarly. Grammarly is a free grammar check tool that proofreads your paper and teaches you about the grammar errors you made in your paper. If you need a plagiarism check, they should have one available to you as well. 5. Citations. You must do an in-text citation any time that you summarize, paraphrase, or directly quote another person’s words or ideas. Proper format is (Lastname, Year). Also, for more help with a References page, click here: https://writingcenter.ashford.edu/format-your-reference-list I hope this review has helped and gives you some insight into some areas that could be improved. :) Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need more help. The very best, Val