Psychology Group Analysis Assignment

Chris second group leader >> And Chris said something when I put the chair out there, I said who or what makes you, and says who or what do you think makes you angry. Because if those people at work make you angry, then the only way that can fix it is what?

Fran Green shirt >> I would like for them to leave. I'd like for them to get another job.

ED group leader >> Or do better, work better--

Fran Green shirt >> Because--Yeah, right. Because every day going in and having to deal with this is just beyond my limit. It's driving me crazy--

Chris second group leader >> So they have to change?

Fran Green shirt >> --like for real. Yes.

Chris second group leader >> If they're causing it--

Fran Green shirt >> If they would do--if they would just get off their rear and do their job like it wouldn't be an issue. It's not like I'm asking for them to--I don't know, do something amazing. I'm asking them to do like the basics of what they need to do every day, so then it doesn't affects what I have to do.

Chris second group leader >> Well, let--

Fran Green shirt It doesn't give me more work.

Chris second group leader >> Let me stop you for a second. But they would have to change?

Fran Green shirt >> Yes. Please.

Chris second group leader >> If they're causing it--

Fran Green shirt >> Yes.

Chris second group leader >> Right?

Fran Green shirt >> Yes.

ED group leader >> Drivers, cause it.

Fran Green shirt >> Or, or--

>> They would just learn to step on the gas.

Man beige pants>> My supervisor--yeah.

Chris second group leader >> Wife, if she'd just cleaned the house.

Adrian gray pants)>> >> For real. Please, do something.

ED group leader >> >> Do you think--let me show you this. Got a variety of fuses here, here's a little short fuse. This one's a pretty long fuse. This one's a medium, I got even a shorter one here, I think, let me see if I got one. Yeah, this little one, some of you have one this big.

Jen White sweater)>> >> That's my ex-husband's. His fuse is that long.

ED group leader >> And how long is yours?

Jen White sweater)>> >> One of the longer ones.

ED group leader >> Do you really believe that?

Jen White sweater)>> >> Yes.

ED group leader >> That you have a longer--do you end up yelling and screaming though at--in--

Jen White sweater)>> >> Well, of course, if he's in my face screaming at me, then yeah, I feel like I have the right to defend myself.

ED group leader >> What are you thinking, Chris?

Chris second group leader >> Well, I would maybe throughout the course of the group challenge you to think about that a little bit. I'm--we'll talk about--I think we'll come to it a little bit later. But I'm going to challenge you to really try to think objectively--all of you, really to think objectively. And that can be hard to do, but think about how long your fuse really is.

Fran Green shirt I think my fuse is a lot longer maybe with other people or in other situations but they, like, cut my fuse. Like, you know, I think normal everyday life, I'm probably a little longer, like traffic doesn't bother me all that much, you know, that kind of stuff. But like, when I get around them, when I see the stuff that they haven't done, it's--

ED group leader How bad at home or with friends? Are you married?

Fran Green shirt >> Yeah.

ED group leader Do you get mad at your husband?

Fran Green shirt >> Sometimes.

ED group leader And what do you get mad about?

Fran Green shirt >> Just some of the stuff around the house that--

ED group leader I'm going to show you this and just--you all can glanced at it.

Fran Green shirt >> Should have been working on for like--I mean, it's--the projects around the house that he's been working on for like months. You know, that it's just--are still undone. Like my kitchen is just torn up. Yeah, we're renovating it, but it's like--

ED group leader Is that what--Is that what causes your anger? Should?

Fran Green shirt >> Yeah.

ED group leader He should, they should?

Everyone responds

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ED group leader He shouldn't--

ED group leader >> He shouldn't.

ED group leader >> He should not.

ED group leader >> They should.

ED group leader >> They shouldn't.

ED group leader >> They should.

ED group leader >> She should learn to learn to do this and do that.

ED group leader >> She should do drive, yeah.

ED group leader >> Where does the should come from? The other person or inside your brain? That's sort of what Chris is getting at. Do you all know you do not have to get angry in traffic? You don't have to get mad? But if you have a should for those workers.

Fran Green shirt Inaudible] give them a pat on the back for, you know, not doing their job and like take it with a smile that I have to like do all these extra work?

Chris second group leader >> I don't know that you need to take it with a smile and reward them. I think here's the--here's just what I'm just thinking. Here now, open that on you.

Fran Green shirt No.

Chris second group leader >> You want to open?

Adrian gray pants)>> >> No, I'm not doing that.

> Chris second group leader > Why not?

Luke Beige pants>> >> Because it's going to shoot all over me. You shook it up.

>> Chris second group leader Right. You all get--are you willing to--?

Jen White sweater)>> >> No.

Chris second group leader >> No? No? OK. Here's what I'm saying, it's about this. Thinking about how much it takes for you to blow, before you blow. The idea that you all get all shook up, and then you explode, right? Because this is what you do, you explode. That's not hurting the other people. Who's that hurting?

Luke Beige pants>> Whoever gets coke all over them, I guess.

Chris second group leader >> Yeah. In your case, who's it hurting? Your road rage, who does that hurt? The other people?

Luke Beige pants>> >> I don't know.

ED group leader Most of the time, they don't even know it unless you--

Luke Beige pants>> >> Yeah.

Luke Beige pants>> >> Ram them or.

Luke Beige pants>> >> I guess.

Luke Beige pants>> Yeah.

Luke Beige pants>> >> I mean, I guess, I did get a traffic ticket so.

Chris second group leader >> Who did your explosion hurt? Who did it hurt?

Jen White sweater)>> >> My kids.

Chris second group leader >> Hurt your kids? It got you here, right? Your work said you got to come here. So here's all I would challenge you to say, is look, you don't have to reward them. I'm all about if people--if you're a supervisor and people aren't doing their jobs, it make sense that you correct them in a maybe gentle more calm way, but if you explode all over them, does that hurt them or who does it hurt?

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> It hurts us or me.

Chris second group leader >> Yeah. And does it get--in the end, does it get them to change?

Fran green shirt >> It hasn't yet--

Chris second group leader >> Does your exploding--like, let's take Fran and Jessie, does your exploding all over them get them to do their job better?

Fran green shirt >> No.

ED group leader Does it get you upset?

Fran green shirt >> Yes.

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> Yeah.

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> And I take it home.

ED group leader And you dump it?

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> On the people that I love.

ED group leader We are at an anger management group, Chris and I would like to get started, jump in there and get going which I think we are, we've been going about 15 minutes so far. What are you thinking about?

Man Beige pants>> >> I don't know how I'm not suppose to get mad in traffic.

ED group leader Are you open to believe that it's possible because you don't get mad in traffic. Do all--how many of you get really mad in traffic? Raise your hand if you do?

Chris second group leader >> You raised yours.

ED group leader >> OK. But there's two that don't. Now, you do have drivers that do--how do you not get mad? So here's the difference, how did she not get mad, she could experience the same thing you do, she's not mad and you are. So what causes anger in--I didn't know this when I was--you know, until somebody taught it. This psychologist in a class taught me this that thoughts caused your feelings.

Chris second group leader >> The shoulds.

ED group leader Yeah.

Chris second group leader >> Shoulds cause your feelings, 'cause you to feel.

ED group leader What are you thinking about?

Matt white shirt>> I don't know. I'm just kind of thinking like--yeah, I mean, I have a lot of shoulds about how people should act, and I know I drink too much and that makes it harder, so I just don't know what to do about it though, like I'm still angry. I had a lot of--

ED group leader Do you feel angry--you say, you drink a lot?

Matt white shirt >> Yeah.

ED group leader >> Do you feel angry when you're not drinking?

Matt white shirt >> I mean, like I was--I swear, I feel like I'm not an angry person, and then I drink and I get angrier,and it makes it worse.

ED group leader And here's what's so sad. Here's what you're saying, and I don't know that it's true necessarily for all of you, but if you have a long fuse and you drink, then there's a lot of anger, right? But we want to show you: one, we can talk to you about the drinking and we can do that 'cause if you tend to drink, a lot of fights--when I Chris and I do marriage counseling and the couples are fighting, the first thing we ask, is alcohol or drugs involved. But here's the question--

Chris second group leader >> Jen, I see you're shaking your head. Some of that involved in your situation?

Jen White sweater)>> >> Always.

ED group leader Always? For you or for him or both?

Jen White sweater)>> >> For him.

group leader >> OK.

Jen White sweater)>> >> He's usually hung over when he's coming to get the kids on a Sunday morning.

ED group leader But then you get mad because you have a should that he shouldn't do this.

Jen White sweater)>> >> He shouldn't.

ED group leader Yeah.

Jen White sweater)>> >> He shouldn't do this.

ED group leader >> And as long as you have shoulds, you're going to get--you're going to be mad. It's a question, if you have a short fuse, a little fuse, or these little longer ones here. I mean, that's the question. Can you see it a little bit?

Matt white shirt >> Yeah.

ED group leader OK. What are you all thinking?

Jen White sweater)>> >> OK. So even if I have this incredibly long fuse, and his is still short, then my kids are still the one that are getting blown up all over.

>> Mm-hmm.

ED group leader What did you say? They're getting blown--we can't control his anger, but we can control you yelling at him in front of the kids because, you know, who causes that?

> Jen White sweater)>> >> Me.

Chris second group leader >> If you don't--here's what I'm thinking, you all chime in if you see it differently. I mean, that's what we're doing here is talking about this, but if you don't react to his craziness, it--how many people does it take to fight?

everyone>> Two.

Matt white shirt >> At least two.

Chris second group leader >> At least two, right? If you don't, Jen, blow back at him, is there a fight?

> Jen White sweater)>> >> I don't think there would be after a while. I think it might be that he would still try to--he would try to get me to fight.

ED group leader >> Oh, yeah. Just like a person playing tennis. They can hit balls to you on the other side of the--but if you just stand there and don't hit them back, there's no tennis game.

Matt white shirt >> It's free toss.

ED group leader >> Yeah. You're hitting back. And you've got shoulds for your wife, right? Do you all see why the word should--I don't like it that they do this. I don't like it that he does this. But I've known him for years and this is what he does. But if you say, 'By God, you should,' that's what you do.

Chris second group leader >> Or you shouldn't. You shouldn't show up here like--

ED group leader > Yeah. You shouldn't--you all should work harder.

Adrian gray pants)>> >> I feel like they should know that by now. Now, we've been married--We've been married for five years now.

ED group leader >> You know, I'm going to say that, here's a line that we use a lot. Get your expectations in line with reality. You've got workers, you wish all workers--

Fran Green shirt>> And expectations would have to be--

ED group leader >> You got workers that are a--and I'm not saying that--you know, like with a partner. If you need a partner that's a good cleaner and your wife is not and she knows you like it, there's one or two things. Either you adjust to her or you got to get rid of your wife.

Adrian gray pants)>> >> Leave her?

group leader >> Well, if you think or you can keep doing--

Chris second group leader >> If that's the deal--

ED group leader What you're doing.

Chris second group leader >> Is that a deal breaker? You have--

Adrian gray pants)>> >> I feel like I had a long fuse before, and it's just keeps getting shorter and shorter and shorter, like I'm--it seems like it's getting there.

Matt white shirt >> Do you think it's going to be different with somebody else?

Adrian gray pants >> Hopefully.

ED group leader Are we getting--here's what you can do. You all can come in and argue for it, but we're offering, there is a way that you can really have a long fuse, and you don't get mad at your ex.

> Jen White sweater)>> >> I want that. I want to not--

ED group leader You--There's a--

> Jen White sweater)>> >> Have my kids experience it.

Fran Green shirt>> >> It's--I just keep looking at the bottle because one of the things that it's making me think about as we're talking when Chris was going around with it is, really at work, it's almost like I'm not spewing on them like it's on me. Because this is not--they're still not doing their job, but I'm here. You know, I had to come to come and--

ED group leader Do you spew only and some or do you just get yourself so worked up? But you must have done it on them and that--

Fran Green shirt >> Yeah. But I mean it's like the repercussions and they chase it back on me.

Chris second group leader >> But they go like this, they go.

Fran Green shirt >> Exactly.

Chris second group leader >> And you're stuck--

Fran Green shirt >> Right.

Chris second group leader >> Coming here.

Fran Green shirt >> Right.

ED group leader Jessie's heads nodding. Go ahead, Jessie.

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> Oh, I'm just--I feel like I--that should is the only thing I've ever heard when it comes to other people in my head. So hearing that something else could make it easier is kind of nice, but I still don't think I fully grasp it. It may take me a little while because my fuse is the tiniest of tiny.

ED group leader Let me use Lou for a second, and it's the phrase, get your expectations in line with reality. Are there bad drivers on the road?

everyone>> Yeah.

ED group leader Would all of us agree to that?

everyone>>

Yup.

>> Yes.

>> OK.

>> Yeah.

ED group leader So if you know that, you start to get upset--I start to get upset too, but I calm myself down because I know all I'm doing is getting all my stuff going. And then, if you get yourself worked up and you walk in the door and you yell at your wife or your kids or your husband.

Luke Beige pants>> >> >> Yeah. I kind of yelled by my boss the other day. I think that's probably what--

ED group leader But if you got in the car and said, 'I wish everybody drove correctly...'

Chris second group leader >> Like me.

ED group leader Like me. But they don't.

Luke Beige pants>> >> Yeah.

ED group leader It's unfortunate, but certainly, I can stand it and getting upset about it--go ahead, Jen, you're looking at me like--

> Jen White sweater)>> >> I want that. I wanted to be that way. I guess if I focus on me then at least they've got one parent. And right now, neither one of us are parenting because we're both too focused on getting at each other.

ED group leader Right.

Jen White sweater)>> >> So at least if I--

ED group leader Getting the other want to change which is probably why you have gotten divorced in the first place.

Jen White sweater)>> >> In the first place, yeah.

Chris second group leader >> Yeah, I think this would be the sentence, 'I wish you were different. I don't like it that he does this, this way.'

ED group leader Good for you.

Chris second group leader >> It's unfortunate, but I can stand it. I can stand a brief interaction with him for my kids' sake. Now, if it's a situation where he shows up and it's unsafe for the kids to go, that's a different thing, right? But if it's just you don't like it, then say, 'I don't like it, and I wish it were different.'

Luke Beige pants>> >> I really don't think I can stand these stupid drivers though.

Chris second group leader >> Yes, you can.

Luke Beige pants>> >> I mean it just drives me crazy.

Chris second group leader >> No, it--well, you drive yourself crazy.

Luke Beige pants>> >> But it's what they do though it's--

> Chris second group leader > But you are standing it.

ED group leader >> If you believe, if you believe other people cause you anger--then guess what, other people are in charge of your emotions. That's what you're saying. The best thing that I learned, the single most important thing I ever learned in my life was that my thoughts cause my feelings. That meant that my mother couldn't make me feel guilty, my boss couldn't make me feel angry, I knew that I caused it. That's what we're selling here. That's what we're trying to get you all to at least consider.

Chris second group leader >> And that's good news because that means you get to be--

ED group leader Yeah.

Chris second group leader >> In control with how you feel. Now, here's the bad news, you can't blame your wife that you get all upset. You can't blame your co--you can't blame the guy in the bar when you get all--you know, what I mean? You see where I'm going at? That's the bad news is you got to take--

Matt white shirt>> Got to take something.

Chris second group leader >> Yeah.

Chris second group leader >> >> Yeah. You're in control of it. That's the good news and the bad news.

ED group leader But-- are we making any sense? Jessie, why do you think we're making sense?

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> It's just so much easier to blame them and to just carry all this anger with you 'cause we've been doing it. I know I've been doing it for so long, but I can see what you're saying now.

ED group leader Matt?

Fran Green shirt >> Well, it's--I'm sorry.

ED group leader >> Yeah. No, go ahead.

Fran Green shirt >> Let me say it's really tangible to see like when they're not--wife is not cleaning the house and people are driving stupid or they're not doing what they're supposed to do at work. But I guess focusing in a little bit more on how I react, so what is there. It makes sense. I could see that.

ED group leader I'm going to do--show it sort of like this. You have a choice. Those are little fuses or you can sit in that seat, or you can sit in this seat. This one thinks, this one reacts, it honest to God, there's a choice. Go ahead. Adrian, do you think it's a choice?

Adrian Gray pants>> I've never seen them out there like that, and I just react, walk to the door, this isn't done, you've been at home all day. What have you been doing instead of probably been--I don't even think of this--

ED group leader What's so sad is that that can't create a closeness, right? That doesn't create her to love you more.

Adrian Gray pants >> No, we just go back and forth.

ED group leader I know.

Adrian Gray pants >> Every day is like battling.

ED group leader That's sad. What would happen if you stop doing that?

Adrian Gray pants >> Maybe we stop arguing.

Adrian Gray pants >> Sure.

Chris second group leader >> Adrian, stand up a second. Here you take that, and I'm your wife, OK?

Chris second group leader >> So will you hug me?

Chris second group leader >> Hug me. Yeah. See? We can't, it isn't possible, right? If you're doing that, that issue is always between us, and we're not going to be close.

ED group leader Or if, you're shaking the bottle up and spraying it all over her? Go ahead, what are you thinking?

Adrian Gray pants >> I feel like we have just grown apart. Like there's always that something between us. We can't get close anymore.

ED group leader And if you reduce the shoulds for your wife and go back to thinking why do I love this woman, you know, and if you do that, you can stop fighting with him when he comes there 'cause you--go ahead--

Jen White sweater)>> >> I'm geared up.

ED group leader Huh?

ED group leader >> Right. That's right.

ED group leader So, it's got...

ED group leader So, you're in that seat ready--

ED group leader >> Why do you think we have two seats out there? Matt?

Matt White Shirt>> I don't know. Maybe the one says, think on it. The other one is just kind of short fuse, so I guess it's kind of a choice that you have.

Jen White sweater)>> >> Choice.

Jen White sweater)>>>> The choice.

ED group leader >> You'll never have a long fuse if you keep drinking, you have anger really.

Matt White Shirt >> Yeah. I just don't think enough.

ED group leader Fran, do you have any thoughts about this?

Chris second group leader >> Do you start out at home pretty good?

Fran Green shirt >> Most of the time. Yeah.

Chris second group leader >> So, you start out at home in this seat?

Fran Green shirt >> Yeah. I think so.

Chris second group leader >> And I picture you--yeah. And I picture you driving to work.

Fran Green shirt >> Yeah.

Chris second group leader >> And sliding.

Fran Green shirt >> Maybe that's why I'm not noticing the drivers.

Chris second group leader >> Yeah.

Fran Green shirt >> What's wrong about that?

Chris second group leader >> I just see you driving-- but you say that I pictured--as you drive to work, you slide.

ED group leader If you buy in, in the first session, we just want you all to buy in that it's possible--

ED group leader Yeah.

ED group leader To have this, you know, because all of you need--this is a great long fuse. This is a pretty good fuse. You know, this one is even better. Do you buy in that it's possible?

Jen White sweater)>>>> >> I'd like to amend my previous answer. I think my fuse actually has looked like that.

ED group leader OK.

ED group leader >> Matt, you look in thought.

Matt White Shirt >> Yeah. I mean, it's possible. I guess it's just so hard, like, it's so easy to blame everybody else and, you know.

ED group leader Adrian?

Adrian Gray pants >> Should I just stay over there, I'm going to lose my wife.

ED group leader Yeah, I think you will. Or it will be just an empty marriage. I mean, you go home like you say it. We've drawn apart.

Chris second group leader >> What are you thinking Luke?

Luke Beige pants>> I think I'm starting to buy into it. Just the fact that there's a choice, I guess kind of makes me feel like I have some control over it. And like I said, you're given up control of your--if you think other people are making you mad. It's--it makes sense I guess.

Chris second group leader >> And you're--and I think about all of you, you're doomed for life to this life of anger and frustration and mess if you--if you only believe that it's the other person, or it's the traffic or it's--

ED group leader >> And I guarantee you this, you're going to have workers that aren't going to live up to sort of maybe your standard. You're going to have a spouse that's going to do something that you wish they wouldn't do. All of that is going to happen. That's a guarantee. You getting mad is a choice. That--that's what we're selling. Let--we're going to need to summarize or close. And I just want to ask this question. Was this similar to what you thought it would be or real different? Go ahead, go ahead, we'll just go around the room and you--just talk about what you expected and what it was?

Adrian Gray pants >> I guess I kind of expected it to be like blaming us for everything, and making it be like we have problems and really it's kind of more helping us make choices.

Jessie Royal Blue sweater >> I thought you're going to tell me that I should stop being angry, and you're telling me now that I need to stop using shoulds. So, it's better. And seeing the chair in between Adrian and Chris was really helpful.

ED group leader Yeah. And that--you can have what--was this different and what stands out to you.

Luke Beige pants >> Obviously I was not looking forward to coming here because I thought it was just going to be bunch of people like, spewing out stuff -- well, why to you get mad and that's better I guess than I thought, I was expecting I was going to be--

Jen White sweater)>>>> >> I came because the judge said I had to, so I was expecting to hear that I was a crap mother.

ED group leader And what are you taking with it?

Jen White sweater)>>>> >> That I'm OK I just have some different choices to make in my life.

ED group leader Yeah. And if you don't make them?

Jen White sweater)>>>> >> Then, I'm choosing to be miserable.

ED group leader Well--and you're doing some harm to the kids.

ED group leader Yeah.

ED group leader I mean, kids shouldn't see--

Jen White sweater)>>>> >> No.

ED group leader Their parents yell and scream at each other and call names and stuff.

Chris second group leader >> And I'll add this too. When you know better, you do better.

ED group leader Yeah. And that's our goal.

Chris second group leader >> When you know better, you do better.

ED group leader This is supposed to meet for about three times. This is week one. And we'll keep adding this and keep going. I think we've had a good start. Adrian, what--was it different than you thought?

Adrian Gray pants >> Yeah. I thought my wife is the problem, but then when you're telling me it's all about my should, I think she should do certain things and she doesn't, it's like, 'Oh, my expectations are not in my reality, and it's like, oh, OK.' I never thought about it like that.

ED group leader Yeah. I tell you that, that line that thought has helped me with bosses that I've had. I wanted them to be better than they were, but I dropped my expectation. I didn't like it, but I certainly didn't go in and get myself worked up every day. I used to do that. Fran?

Fran Green shirt >> I think what I'm really thinking is like and the situation that work, I really felt as if kind of there was no way out. Like it's always going to be this way, you know, it has been this way and this is the way it is. And--but, it's getting me to think that maybe there's a possibility it could be different almost as if I have a little bit more control or power or something, that something could be different. So, it feels--I don't know if freeing is the right word. I don't know. But it helps me feel as if it doesn't always have to be the same every day because it's been so miserable.

Chris second group leader >> You know, I think next time too, I think what Ed and I are doing is just trying to sell you on this idea that there's choice involved and you can take back some control and have some of that power. I think almost what I'd like to see us do next time is work towards working with each of you, spending a little time individually maybe and just working on a little bit more specifically for Adrian, a little bit more specific for each of you, so you can really apply what we're talking about to your situation and hope you make a better choice.

ED group leader >> Yeah. This was a great start for our first session. I hope you come back and you see that your fuse can get longer. That's what we're--

ED group leader >> I could certainly be--

ED group leader >> And it can put the coke bottle down. Put it down. Or if you're going to do it, just throw it on yourself, but that's a dumb idea to. OK. Well, see you all next week.

Transcript

Group Counseling: Strategies and Skills Chapter 6

INSTRUCTOR BREAK DOWN This next area of demonstration covers basic leadership skills including the use of eyes, linking, summarizing, clarifying, self-disclosure, and tone. Just as in individual counseling, these skills are an important part of your group leadership repertoire. Let's watch as Chris demonstrates. This is a support group for parents. It's thirty minutes into the first session.

(Purple Scarf)>> For me, I just feel like I'm really tired of trying to be supermom. You know, I'm working, I'm trying to have my career, I'm trying to raise my kids and ultimately it's that guilt of always feeling like I didn't really want kids in the first place so why did I even do this?

(Gray Shirt)>> I'm really glad that you said that because I feel the same way, too. You know, it's so emotionally exhausting just trying to take that time for myself and I can't because you know, I feel guilty when I wished I didn't have my kids sometimes.

Brown Sweater>> Yeah, I just feel like there's never, it's so exhausting. There's never enough time and it's like you know I have one kid that needs to be here and one kid that needs to be here and on the weekends it's like I'm spending all of my time chauffeuring them back and forth, you know. And my husband and I, we have no time together anymore because either he's at a softball game here and I'm at a soccer game or, you know, one lesson or another. And it's just we never have any time to be us anymore.

Chris group leader pink shirt>> I see Morgan's agreeing.

Gray Sweater>> That's exactly where I am, too, because like I feel bad if I don't go to a practice or a game or whatever. But then when I'm there, I can literally feel myself just getting, I don't know, almost angry? And I don't know --

Chris group leader pink shirt >> Let me share this with you all just because I see so many heads nodding and I just want to tell you, you know, from someone who feels exactly the same way, I mean, I know many of you know I'm a parent but I have a twelve year old and he's very involved in athletics. I used to feel that same thing, you know, I would go to the football field and have to sit there and, you know, you're just like I can be doing something better with my time. But you find creative things to do. I remember one year I started filming the games, you know, and yeah you just, there is this guilt that exists. What about others of you, I mean Jane we haven't heard from you, you know, what are you feeling about, you know, say something more about this guilt that we've all sort of experienced.

Morgan Red Sweater>> Well, sometimes I just feel bad because, you know, with my son being the only black kid on the team, I just -- sometimes I really wonder if we should move.

Chris group leader pink shirt >> Oh really? Okay.

Jane black shirt>> I feel the same way, like we're the only Chinese family here. And I just wish that I could provide him with a multi-cultured environment. But with my husband working here and I have a good job here, there's no way we are going to move anytime soon.

Chris group leader pink shirt >> Kind of, you're kind of married to this area for right now.

Jane black shirt >> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

INSTRUCTOR BREAK DOWN >> Here, Chris demonstrated a number of necessary basic skills such as a caring tone, linking or tying people together, self-disclosure, summarization, and clarification. Also, she was sensitive to the diversity issues that arose. With regard to self-disclosure, it's appropriate for leaders to use disclosure to make a point or to facilitate discussion. But it's not appropriate for leaders to disclose issues that are unfinished for them. You may want to watch this segment again to be sure you picked up the many different skills that she utilized. Previously, we demonstrated how the leader uses his or her eyes as a leadership skill and how the leader scans the group in order to read the nonverbals of the talking member as well as how to use one's eyes as a signal to have members look at one another as opposed to just looking at the leader. We'd like to show a couple of segments to further emphasize the importance of using your eyes. It's thirty minutes into the second session of a group at a mental health center dealing with the topic of guilt. In this first segment, the leader does a poor job in the proper use of eyes.

Gray Shirt >> And I'm just feeling a lot of frustration because last week I ended up getting in a fight with my father-in-law and my husband was not supporting me like, you know, trying to help out. And there was anger at first, you know, that because he doesn't even get along with his father but then when me and my father-in-law started fighting, I mean, he was like instead of being a mediator, I felt like he was siding with, you know, with him, with his father and, you know, that anger led to upset, you know, so then I started crying and it just appeared to be, you know, and then I got embarrassed and --

INSTRUCTOR BREAK DOWN >> When looking only at the member who is talking, the leader doesn't pick up on the non-verbal cues of the other members. When this happens, only the talking member connects with the leader. The group in this next demonstration is the same as the previous group but the leader is much more effective regarding the use of eyes. It's thirty minutes into the second session of a group at the mental health center dealing with the topic of guilt.

Gray Shirt >> I just had some frustration within the past week. My father-in-law, we ended up getting in an argument. And I noticed that instead of my husband trying to be the mediator, he started to side with his father a little bit more. And just a lot of anger just built up after that because I thought, you know, he was supposed to be on my side or, you know, it was supposed to be a mutual thing not siding with each other.

Group leader PLAID SHIRT>> Sure, sure. Megan, what do you think?

Megan (Gray Sweater)>> Well, I mean I really understand where you're coming from because I too fight with my father-in-law a lot and my husband and I go through it all the time and I just get so angry and almost hurt, yeah.

Gray Shirt >> Well, it led me started crying, you know.

Megan (Gray Sweater)>> >> Yeah.

Megan (Gray Sweater)>> >> And I feel like I always look like the bad guy.

Gray Shirt >> Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

INSTRUCTOR BREAK DOWN >> Using your eyes effectively as a leader and getting members to use their eyes effectively is much more difficult than it seems. We encourage you to start practicing this in groups you're leading or in social situations you're in.