Psychology Support Group Assignment

Transcript

Group Counseling: Strategies and Skills Chapter 14

>> Leading counseling and therapy groups often involves the most complex set of skills in group leadership. It's important to note that the goals of counseling and therapy groups are usually boiled down to two types. Outcome goals, referring to changes outside the group member's life, and process goals, referring to goals pertaining to the group process. Process goals can be very important in certain kinds of groups. And sometimes therapy groups focus primarily on process and sometimes on outcome. In our examples we emphasize outcome goals, helping people change the way they are thinking, feeling, and living. In this first demonstration it's the fourth session of a group of people in recovery. The leader demonstrates a number of techniques that can be used to involve everyone. Also, the leader deals with a reluctant member.

>> I just don't deserve to be happy because of how I was when, you know, I was on my addiction. And I mean I can't even tell you how many times I took money from my parents. I left my kids when they were babies in the house by themselves with I went to, like, you know, go get drugs and I --

>> You know, what? I'm just going to ask, hold there for a second. I was wondering if you'd be willing to do something with the group because I'd really -- I know this cycles for you. And I really like us to be able to help Lauren. Were you all willing to do that with Lauren for a minute or two?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay, Lauren. Here's what I'd like you to do. I'd like you to make those two statements, "I'm a bad person," "I don't deserve to be happy," - to each of the group members, one after another. Okay. Start here with Eric. And look at him and say that. And then, Eric, I'd like for you to respond back to Laruen the truth.

>> Okay.

>> You're not a bad person. You do deserve to be happy, or whatever it is, you know, your version of that. Okay?

>> Okay.

>> But you state what it is. "I'm a bad person. I do not deserve to be happy."

>> I'm a bad person. I don't deserve to be happy.

>> That's not true. You deserve to be happy.

>> I'm a bad person. I don't deserve to be happy.

>> You're not a bad person. You very much deserve to be happy.

>> I'm a bad person. I don't deserve to be happy.

>> You're not a bad person. And you definitely deserve to be happy.

>> I'm a bad person. I don't deserve to be happy.

>> That's not true. And you do deserve happiness.

>> How many of you have all ever been in a space where Lauren is right now?

>> Only totally.

>> Yeah. and a lot of it -- I don't know, for some of you did it come down to that self-forgiveness, that forgiveness of self for some of the things that you did do while you were in your active addition?

>> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> The forgive -- Because it just sounds like to me that that forgiveness piece hasn't come to you yet.

>> No. No.

>> Yeah. And you're focusing on what you did. And then you conclude something about yourself as a result. And there's no forgiveness whatsoever. A lot of times it's easier for us at first to forgive somebody else or how they look back at you and said, "Hey, you're not a bad person." That we can see through the eyes of someone else. But I'm just wondering looking back for yourselves, where are you on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 you've got it. You've been, you forgive yourself. You're okay with it. And 1 not at all. And I'm just kind of guessing you're a 1, Lauren.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Where would you rate yourselves as far as the forgiveness goes?

>> I -- if you don't --

>> No. Go ahead.

>> I'm like at a, I'm at about a 5 right now.

>> Okay.

>> I realize that some of the stuff I did to get here when, I don't know, I was in my addiction. I mean, I was in active addiction. I mean, that's what -- When you're in active addiction, that's what you do. So I mean, I'm starting to get it.

>> And did you start where she is down at 1?

>> Oh, I was a 0.

>> Or do you -- Okay.

>> I was a 0.

>> Okay. And really that's what group can do is try to help us move up that scale. That's good. And someone else. Where are you? What number are you as far as self-forgiveness goes?

>> I'm about a 7. I absolutely started at like a negative 100.

>> Yeah. Okay.

>> You know, until I came in here, started working the steps and really got myself in a space where I could say, "Okay. That was then. And those were the choices that I made out of a place of sickness. And now I can make some different choices." Until I got there, absolutely I was awful. I was worthless.

>> Yeah.

>> There was nobody that was ever going to love me again.

>> Yeah.

>> And I didn't deserve my children. Those were all true for me.

>> And, you know, I'm going to come back to this love, connecting that love piece with forgiveness, too. So I'm going to hold back on that. How about for you, Morgan? What's your number as far as self-forgiveness now?

>> Today probably a 6. But it fluctuates especially when I see those people when I hurt. Because when I see those people that I hurt then it's like I'm back down at 0. Then it's like look, you see the pain and everything that I've done to you. You know, and then I'm like, you know, all the things that I put you through, I don't deserve to be happy at all.

>> So then the number goes voom.

>> Then the number just plummets. So then it's like I got to talk myself through it again like, "Okay. That was a different person. Like, and that's kind of the only way I can really think about it sometimes is separating, this was a different person. This was not me. If I wasn't on drugs, I would've never done those things." So it's just realizing that we had no control.

>> And remember we talked about recovery is that changed piece. Abstinence you all have plus change equals recovery. And that change is a process. Sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back.

>> Yeah.

>> JP, would you like to add?

>> Is it okay if I pass?

>> Absolutely. If you feel more comfortable passing on this, that's -- sure. Add whatever you like.

>> Well I think one of the things I have found is like when she was saying like fluctuating, sometimes I forget about the process. You know what I'm saying? Like I didn't just automatically get into heroin and like full-blown, like, fiend. It was a process to get there, too.

>> And recovery's a process as well. Healing's a process as well. There's a lot of, you know, just beating up on ourselves. That's the same thing as not forgiving ourselves. And it doesn't -- That's what the addiction did was beat up on ourselves. You know, I bring -- You know, we use these props sometimes just to drive it home. And I just think that you beat up on yourself when you were using. You know, just beat the heck out of yourselves. And you know, it just, it doesn't -- And now that this is gone, okay, it's kind of like this is still there. Go ahead and grab ahold of that, Lauren. And you almost have this up --

>> Yeah.

>> Is that what it feels like?

>> Yeah.

>> And when you all were at that 1, is that [inaudible] you just constantly walked around? So even though the booze and the drugs are gone, that hammer's still there. Yeah. And I think it's going to be a good idea if we just keep working on being able to put this hammer down. That's what the focus of group can be is how do we get this hammer down? Okay? I'm just going to see -- I just want to -- What's one thing that you think you could do today, Lauren, or something we could, that you could put that hammer down? Just while we're in group for the rest of the day?

>> I guess just what Morgan said, that that wasn't who I -- I wouldn't have made those actions. If I wasn't --

>> Okay. Put the hammer down. Get up. There you go.

>> In this example the leader got members involved while working with one member. She used the round to involve others and to get the member to go deeper into her thoughts. When a leader is able to get a member to do some deep, personal work, the other members usually find it very helpful either in trying to help the working member or in going deep into their own thoughts about a similar issue. Heidi stayed with the working member for a few minutes and then moved the group to a meaningful discussion about forgiveness. The next demonstration illustrates our model of therapy in groups whereby the leader sometimes works with one member. It's the third session of a therapy group. And the leader works with one person on an emotionally laden issue and involves the other members. Let's watch.

>> You said you would, wanted to talk about something?

>> Well, it's something that, it's really hard for me to talk about with people and really hard to kind of say it out loud. But, just such an awful, awful mother. I killed my baby.

>> What do you mean?

>> I was running late for work. And I was just rushing out of the house. You know I was just running, grabbing things. And I had my coffee and just wasn't paying attention. And I went and I got in the car. And ended up running over my son.

>> Wow. How long ago was this?

>> It was about 10 years ago.

>> Wow. And you don't forgive yourself?

>> No. I mean, how could I? I mean it's -- What kind of mother runs over their child? You know, like.

>> Go ahead, Jen.

>> I mean, you make it sound like it was purposeful. It wasn't this was an accident.

>> And yeah, you said you killed your son. You didn't kill him. It was an accident.

>> Well, I mean, it was an accident. I mean, it just, in the rush, I mean, we had a screen door that wouldn't always shut like when you shut it. And I thought he was safe inside the house and just came out. You know, like the door didn't shut all the way. And he was running out and following me. And that, I just didn't see him. But I did kill him, like --

>> Hang on. Morgan, what do you think?

>> I mean, it's tragic and it's terrible. But you didn't do this on purpose. And you got to stop beating yourself up about it.

>> Yeah. I think you just explained it kind of. I mean, I know that -- Because you said well, you thought he was in the house and just the screen door. You know?

>> Yeah. You said you've got to stop beating up on yourself.

>> I just don't know how.

>> Would you all agree with that?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Definitely.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> It's been 10 years.

>> Going back to that model, remember the model we used about self-talk? What do you tell yourself? I'm a terrible mother?

>> Awful mother.

>> Do y'all think she's a terrible mother? What do y'all think? No, seriously. Raise your hand if you think she's a terrible mother. Why are you -- Look at the looks on their face. Why do you think Megan's got this look on her face? Why do you -- Why don't you think she's a terrible mother? Seriously.

>> Something terrible happened. But you're not a terrible mother.

>> Yeah. I just --

>> Exactly, yeah.

>> I mean, but wouldn't a good mother have looked? You know, like --

>> Stop. Stop.

>> You can't beat yourself up.

>> How many of you in here, some of have kids, right? How many of you in here have been in a hurry and something like this could have happened. Raise your hand. Yeah. You just, you had the worst thing possible happen.

>> I drove home one time, got all the way home, and realized I had forgotten to strap my son in. I mean, if I had stopped short, if, you know, someone had run a light, I easily could've killed him.

>> Didn't strap him into the --

>> Into the car seat.

>> -- car seat. Mm-hmm.

>> You know, accidents happen. And luckily in my situation, you know, I got home and everything was fine. But that could've ended so terribly.

>> Is she a terrible mother?

>> No.

>> But mothers are supposed to protect --

>> Hang on, just listen. Is she a terrible mother?

>> Absolutely not.

>> Is she a terrible mother?

>> Of course not. No.

>> What do you think as you listen to them?

>> I want to believe it. And I want to be able to set it down. But it's just, it's so hard. You know? I mean, he was so young and looked to me for --

>> Right.

>> -- like protection for everything. And I'm the one --

>> Let me say it to you, but I want to say it to all of you. If you've got anything in your life currently that is unfinished, unsettled like this, I mean, and I don't know, I don't think -- I know none of you have something like this I don't think. But y'all might have something. It's how do you get rid of -- Do y'all believe she deserves to be happy?

>> Yes.

>> Of course.

>> Absolutely.

>> Even though she did this?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Why?

>> I remember --

>> Go ahead.

>> I just remember when, you know, our youngest was, you know, first born, like he -- We don't -- We didn't get any sleep. And I can't tell you how many times we probably had near misses. I mean, you know, thank god nothing happened. But, like I could very easily see myself having been in your shoes.

>> How do we help you? What do you need to do -- And y'all think of this. What does she need to do -- And if you can't answer it, I'm going to ask them to. What do you need to do to get over this?

>> I'm not quite sure how.

>> Go ahead, Jen. What does she -- In your mind, what does she need.

>> I think she needs to forgive herself.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> It's about forgiveness.

>> As we said earlier, when the focus is held on one member, a skilled leader usually involves the other members in an active way. In so doing, it keeps other members interested. And it's often therapeutic for members to help a fellow member. In this example, Ed knew it was therapeutic for the working member to hear from others and see their reactions. Next, we see another example of Ed working with a topic that's relevant to all the members.

>> Let me -- I want to take it deeper because I think -- Here's what I pick up that I think y'all have some unfinished business. I'm going to ask you to just do a yes or no round. If there is something that's unfinished for you -- And that doesn't mean you have to share. But I'm hoping in the next few weeks that you will because if you keep carrying unfinished stuff with you it gets in the way. I promise you. Yes or no, do you have something that's unfinished? And by unfinished that means that it would be sort of hard to share in here. Joe?

>> No.

>> okay. You're -- Okay. Jen?

>> Maybe.

>> I don't think so.

>> I do.

>> You do?

>> Yeah.

>> I do, too.

>> Yeah.

>> Hmm. Do you -- Are you willing to share? Do you want to share?

>> Yeah. I mean, like, I guess I'll share. When I was 18 I got pregnant. And my parents sent me away to have the baby but then made me give it up for adoption. And every day, I mean, I think about her. And it's just, I mean, it is unfinished business because it's still with me every day and it hurts.

>> Wow.

>> Yeah.

>> And we -- Are you willing to work on that?

>> Yeah. I know I need to.

>> Okay. And we can do that.

>> I need to talk about it.

>> I don't know if either one of y'all are willing to.

>> I mean, I feel like you're going to start saying my story, too, is that when I was 19 I had an abortion. And no one knows about it, not my parents or my friends or anyone.

>> When you say no one, is sharing it in here --

>> Pretty much the first time I've ever --

>> So that's --

>> Wow.

>> Wow. So that -- Because that's good.

>> And I just, I feel like most days it's always there. It's always there.

>> Always. Okay. Do you want to work on that, too?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And I say this to any of you. You do not want to walk around carrying -- I mean, it's hard enough just to deal with life as it unfolds. But I think y'all are -- The two of you -- I don't know if you want to share yours. And you don't have to at all.

>> I mean, it seems really silly now after what they've shared. Thank you for sharing, but yeah. Mine just seems kind of silly after theirs.

>> Do you want to share it or not? It's up to you.

>> Well, I don't know. It just seems kind of petty now. But when I was in high school and I was on the soccer team, I voted for myself for captain. And everyone else voted for other people. And so I've always kind of felt really guilty about that.

>> But, I mean, that in your mind is unfinished?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Okay. And we could come back -- I think we can help you with that if you'd like to.

>> Okay.

>> Do y'all think she needs to feel guilty for voting for herself?

>> No.

>> No.

>> No.

>> Why? Let me -- Let's just do this for a couple of minutes then we'll come to the two of you. Okay.

>> I think that people may have said that no one else voted for themselves. But, I mean, it's really --

>> Did y'all -- Have any of y'all ever voted for yourself.

>> Sure.

>> It's natural. I mean, presidents vote for themselves when they vote, you know, like people who are --

>> Well, sure.

>> -- running for president. When they, you know, go to the election box they take big pictures of it. You know, like that's --

>> Yeah.

>> -- just what people expect.

>> That's true. They kind of celebrate it.

>> Yeah.

>> So did you think you were the most worthy of whatever that was?

>> Yeah.

>> She was -- for captain, is that what you said?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Okay.

>> Well, it's pretty obvious to me then that it's okay.

>> Did you win?

>> No.

>> Okay. Then it didn't even matter. But you've really -- that's really bug -- And some of you might have something like that. If you do, think about bringing it up. I want to work with the two of you. But, if you've got anything, why not use this group? And I appreciate what you're doing. You're sharing something that you don't share with anybody.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Which one of -- Either one of y'all are -- Who wants to --

>> If I can, I just --

>> Go ahead.

>> I wanted to say thank you to both of you because I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest right now just having that ability, like that courage to say the thing that you never tell anyone. And I can really, really relate to that. Like, and I've got to apologize. I've lied to all of you. I told you that my dad was dead and he's not. My dad's in prison. And he's been there for about the past 25 years. Because he was having sex with my sister and I.

>> Wow.

>> And I never told anyone.

>> Is the hardest part of that that he was having sex or that you've always been lying about -- I mean, I'm just --

>> I think the hardest part is really the lie.

>> Okay. Yeah.

>> Yeah. Because you carry it like every day.

>> Wow. Thank y'all. I mean, this is what I meant. I felt like we can go deeper. Let's, we'll work with all three of these.

>> Jen thank you for sharing, too.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Yeah.

>> Who wants to -- And we might end up juggling. I'll try to juggle. I mean, it's not like we're going to put the spotlight on any one person.

>> I just, I think with all three of us, I mean, we just carry it with us all the time.

>> How do you not feel shame?

>> I don't know.

>> Okay. Well, let's talk about this. That's what we're -- that's our goal is to help you to not feel shame. That's why we do this. We go deeper. And remember the model of the self-talk, that whole thing? It's the sentences in your head. "I am a terrible person for lying." "I'm a terrible person because I did this." I'm a -- Is that the sentence that the three of you -- I mean and yours, too, really. Is that what you're telling yourself?

>> Mine is, "I am a lie."

>> Wow. Do y'all hate her that she hadn't told us this? What did you think when she changed this story about her dad?

>> Well, I mean, I didn't feel comfortable sharing. I mean, and now I do. So, I mean, I can understand you didn't feel comfortable sharing because that was very personal.

>> But do you think of her as a lie?

>> No.

>> Or a liar?

>> Of course not.

>> I think of her as being very courageous for having felt safe enough with us to now share it.

>> But she says, "I'm a lie."

>> It feels so heavy like to have carried that around.

>> What would happen if you relieved yourself and realized -- Because I do want you to sit in a different spot. Yeah. Let me get this. The reason I bring this subject up is to try to get you to that seat. This is, "I'm a lie." That seat is what? This is -- What are you -- How do you label yourself?

>> Pretty much that I'm a lie, too.

>> A lie?

>> I've never told anybody.

>> Told anybody. Well, all three of you have that theme.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> What does that person sit in? What does she believe about herself?

>> That's like freedom.

>> Yeah. That she's free.

>> It brings you to 2009.

>> Yeah.

>> Go ahead, Liz. You look --

>> I mean, when I look at it I just think to myself like that I'm okay, that I would be okay there.

>> Yeah.

>> Are you okay? Do you think they're okay?

>> I do.

>> Do you think they're okay?

>> I do.

>> And you probably think they're okay. You just think you're not, right?

>> Yeah.

>> Right? You think she's okay. How do we get -- Okay? How do we get all of you to that seat is I'm okay? And you got to change that self-talk that's been there, yours has been there for a long time, right? Since what age?

>> Twelve.

>> Twelve. And y'all's is older.

>> Nineteen.

>> Yeah.

>> 19?

>> Five years.

>> Yeah. Five years ago?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> That's what we want to work on is getting you to that seat.

>> Thanks, Ed. In this example Ed used many different skills to get the members to look at their unfinished business and to begin to work through some of their negative self-talk. They key was that Ed had members really go deeply into themselves. Ed didn't focus long on any one person. And he was always engaging the other members. We suggest you watch these segments on therapy many times and re-read our chapter on counseling and therapy in groups.