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Watch: Bringing Up Boys

Mm-hm.

Watch: Screaming at Trees and Children

Many parents, perhaps

the majority, admit to losing

their tempers and screaming at their kids

from time to time. Usually we shrug it off assuming that not

much harm was done. But is that

really the case? Dr. James Dobson,

per family time, deep in the woods of the Solomon Islands

lives a tribe of villagers who practice a strange form,

the blogging. When a tree is too large to be filled with an axe, they bring it down

by yelling at it. Tribesmen believed to have special powers sneak up on the tree at dawn and scream at the top

of their lungs. Day after day, they

repeat this practice. Eventually the tree dies and falls to the ground. It kills spirit

of the tree. They say, well, I'll

admit that I'm a bit skeptical of this practice in that it works on trees, but I'll tell

you this much. It'll sure bring

down a human being. If you want to kill

someone, spirit. Yelling is a great

way to get it done. And no spirit on Earth is more fragile than

that of a child. Though we mean

no harm when we scream and Shattuck kids. There's nothing

harmless about it. It's humiliating and it's discouraging

to children. It often leave scars that will last

for a lifetime. Now admittedly, children will be irresponsible at times and they're

going to get on our nerves every

now and then. Still they deserve

and need to be treated with dignity

and respect. Resist the temptation

to yell atom. Dr. James Dobson

profoundly talk.

Watch: Bringing Up Girls: Puberty & Adolescence 1

Dad, why don't

you introduce our topic for today, which should be of importance to all

our listeners, but especially

those who have girls approaching the teenage adolescent years. A good place to

start. Ryan, Let me begin by reminding

our listeners that we erred in interview with Heather Anderson

and her father, Dr. Charles Stone, who

wrote a book together called daughters gone

wild, Dad's gone crazy. And they described

now Heather had men, this sweet and loving and delightful child

until she turned 12. And suddenly she

became a rebellious, almost a tyrant who hated yourself, hated her family. And what followed were four or five years

of turmoil in drugs and sexual

experimentation and misery for the

entire household. Now, when I program ended, we really out of time and I promise to come back

to this subject and offer a likely

explanation of what was going

on in heather. What would cause a

happy child from a good family to

suddenly become just impossible to handle and hateful to

everyone she loved. And that's why we're

going to do today. We're going to talk

about that subject not only as it relates to

Dr. Stone and Heather, but in countless

other families that have experienced something similar and are in many cases going

through that right now. Well, we saw that play out over and

over again, doctor, just on a simple

facebook poll that we conducted

last week, where we asked

parents to identify their biggest concerns with their daughters going

through this stage, listeners can

still weigh in on that pull at my

family talk.com. But let's get right

to the heart of it. How do we explain what those teenagers like Heather are experiencing? Well, it's a very

important topic because every parent eventually deals with

it one way or another as their youngsters come

through adolescence. But obviously in a case that was a difficult

time for her socially. And she talked in your book and on our program about hurtful harassment that she was subjected to in school, especially about

her physical body. Now, as tough as that was, and I don't minimize

it for a minute. I think that was just

the backdrop for the behavioral

problems that she began to exhibit. It's likely that

her great anger and her agitation at home and at school as well was a reaction to the

onset of puberty, which is a

dramatic period of sexual maturation

and awakening that typically begins about

that time between 1112 or 13 years of age and girls happens in girls earlier than it

does in boys. Now, I don't want

to be too technical here and I'm concerned

about doing that. But we really do need

to talk about what happens in the brains of girls in early adolescence. Puberty is set in motion by chemical

signals that are emitted from a

remarkable area of the midbrain called

the hypothalamus. And when the time is right, this gland sends out hormones to in

particular LH and FSH, that are then received

by the pituitary, which is also in the brain. It's an aspirin

size structure that sits right at the

base of the brain. And that despite

its tiny size, it's been called the

master gland because it influences and controls the other glands

of the body. And most importantly, sends chemical messages

that flow to the ovaries and

causes them to produce massive

amounts of estrogen. So that's that's chemically

what's going on. So what you're

saying is there is a physical

biological reason for a lot of the upheaval that these

parents are saying? Absolutely. And

if you try to explain it only in terms of social pressure and the other characteristics

of adolescence. You won't really get at it. Because there's something

else here that is absolutely driving

those emotions. Now that estrogen that is emitted by the ovaries flows through the body, through the blood, and marinate the female brain, which stimulates maturation and sexual development. So it's, it's a feedback mechanism

that goes from the brain to the

ovaries and then throughout the whole body and all the glands

of the body. Everything is

affected by it. And from this

transformation comes the miracle

of ovulation, which makes

procreation possible. And what some people

consider to be the curse of menstruation. It's a shame that

it's described that way because it's part

of the miracle too, but that is the

way it's viewed. Now, estrogen

also influences a multitude of

functions and emotions and I would

like our listeners to really pay attention to what I'm most

say right here. Those emotions include

anger, sorrow, joy, memory, aggression,

thirst, weight, fat distribution which

rounds out the body. And the development of secondary sex

characteristics such as pubic care and

breast development. In short, these

hormones bring about a complete makeover of the body and the

personality. Everything changes

in response to them. They will never be

the same again. They in fact, I

wrote in my book, so brace yourself,

Mom and Dad. When you see these

little green buds appearing on your

little girl's tree, you know that childhood

is over and she's growing up and there's no backing up on that road. But that road between there and adulthood is often very, very rocky. Dad, did it changes really occur that suddenly,

as you said. Well, let me modify

that just a bit. Hormones begin to

have an effect on a little girl at about

eight years of age. But parents may not notice them because they're

very subtle. But when your daughters

are about 12, that changes

are undeniable. They're dramatic,

and it can be like fireworks on

the fourth of July. Let's take a look

at that from the girl's point of view. Tell us what you

would imagine a 12 or 13 year old

girl is starting to think herself when all of this is

happening to her. Well, it's very

important for parents to get a fix on the

answer to that question, because once these developmental

changes begin to occur, they can be deeply disturbing to a girl

who hasn't been told what's happening to her body because it's so bewildering as

she can worry herself sick about

soar breast buds, do I have cancer

or ministration? Am I bleeding to death? And other fears that are associated with these

physical changes. That's why it's so very important for parents to prepare your daughters for puberty and adolescence. Don't let him to

just wander into that time without any understanding

of themselves. Not only should

they come to understand the approaching

physical changes, but they should

also be informed of these wildly

fluctuating emotions that will accompany

this time of life. And especially this is, this is very important

and I put it in my recorded series, preparing for adolescence. Doubts about personal worth are inevitable

during that time. It must be anticipated and explained in advance when you begin to feel worthless,

nobody cares. I'm a total failure. I'm ugly. I'm, I'm not acceptable to

the opposite sex. Those things simply go

with it and it's part of the anger that

Heather was expressing. So when I said that, what happened to Heather in sixth grade when the boys were making fun

of her body? That that was the backdrop. She wouldn't have been

able to deal with that better three years before or five years after. But you put those

things together. You have this sensitivity in this vulnerability, along with harassment

from peers. Boy, you've got you got a volatile cocktail

hour to well, even hearing the

name of your book, Dr. preparing

for adolescence, that's a key point and

I'm thinking as a mom, I don't really want

to have to introduce my child to those concepts until I see them

hitting them. Like I'm thinking of

someone listening who has an eight or

nine-year-old and their, their little

girl is carefree and happy and

frolicking along. And what you're

saying is OK, you need to sit

them down and say everything is kind

of rosy right now, but you need to know

some things are coming. That feels a

little like I'm sharing your

innocence and I don't really want to introduce that to her at Luann. Timing is absolutely

everything. And I would never recommend anybody doing this. But if you go out to a railroad track

and you put your ear down to the track. You can hear the

train coming. If you're paying attention, you can see puberty coming. And you want to time this explanation

immediately prior to all these

questions coming up. And you want to begin preparing them for the stresses

associated with this, because it can

be terrifying. They can be terrifying

and it can also assault a very personhood. You may remember in preparing for

adolescence that I talked about the

canyon of inferiority. You're driving

along on a road. And i'm like a man beside the road

with red flags and I'm waving them

and I'm trying to tell that teenager

with that series, be careful the bridges out. And if you keep going

down this road, you're likely to fall

down into that canyon, but you don't

come out of it. You don't come out

the other side. It just goes with

the territory. Doctor you just referred

to Heather Anderson. They're in the program

we aired last week. Let's go back to

that just a minute. So are you saying that her personality,

her anger, that self-hatred,

and the meanness, a lot of that was

hormonally driven. The answer's yes. Although once again, I

don't want to minimize the pressures that are

on teenagers socially, them being accepted,

being rejected, all the things that,

that they go through at that time is also

part of the problem. But what we heard described in that

recorded interview last week is classically characteristic of

puberty itself. The hormone barrage

that initiate puberty is highly traumatic to the female brain. This is the point I

hope parents will grab onto because it can draw a girl into complete disequilibrium

until she begins to adjust to it. And that may take

several years. Let me read

something again from bringing up girls that I think will be helpful. I said that this is white parents must

take the time to understand what a girl

who's gone through from Pew best sense

through adolescence, there will be recurring

times, meatiness, anxiety, anger,

self-pity, depression. There will also be

periods of giddiness and Glee and elation

and happiness. Emotions are on a roller coaster

from the peak to the valley

from one day or one hour to the next. The entire family

sometimes hangs on for dear life until things

start to settle down. For some girls, the

return of a calmer water, calmer sailing can take

five years or longer. And in the meantime, surging levels

of estrogen and progesterone

will continue to affect the behavior

and the personality. They have. The

female brain. Parrots, rock

and everything that you've just described many households out

there right now going, I think Doctor

Dobbs and has visited my house right now. That's what it's like

you've said it before. Just get them through it. Something else in

the book, dad, you quoted a lot from a book called

The Female Brain, which describes the chemical process

of what's going on in the girl's brain

when she's being besieged by estrogen

and hormones. Why did that book stand

out to you so much? Because I think it is the very best book on this subject

that's been written. Who? Dr. Bryce and Dean is the author,

Luann Bryson dean. She is a psychiatrist, a Yale trained

psychiatrists. And she knows what she's

talking about than I did lean on her

a lot in my book. Let me read a quote that

came from this book once again as Dr. LouAnn Bryson Dean and her book is called the female brain. And she's describing what an adolescent

girl is like in the midst of all

these hormones. She says, drama,

drama, drama. That's what's happening

in a teen girls life. And in the teen girls

moraine, quote, mom, I so totally

can't go to school. Just found out Brian

likes me and I have a huge zip than

no can sealer. How can you even

think I'll go? And the next one, homework, I told you I'm

not doing any more until you promised to send me a way to school. I can't stand living with you one more minute and no, I'm not done talking

on the phone to IV. It has not been two hours and I'm not getting

off the phone. This is what you get if you have a modern

version of a teen girl brain

in your house with this new estrogen

driven reality, aggression also

plays a big role. The teen girls brain will make her

feel powerful, always right, and

blind to consequences. Without that drive, she'll never be

able to grow up. So it does play a

role in development, but getting through it, especially for a teen

girl, isn't easy. As she began to experience her

full girl power, which includes pre

menstrual syndrome, BMS, sexual competition, and controlling

girl groups. Her brain states can

often make her reality. Well, a little hill, that doctor, I

got a kick out of you trying to act

like a teenage girl. You gotta put a whole lot more white under that. You gotta have all the act and believe me,

I've heard it. I've heard of

that I may not be able to duplicate. I'm not sure the

always right thing stops at the teen years. I think that make it

into I gotta be honest, after hearing

you read that, I am even more happy that Lincoln as a boy,

I was before. Well, I wouldn't be too self-congratulatory

about that. Ryan, the boys have

their own set of weird emotions during

puberty that's adhered. Or at least I understand. And I've gone through

well, it was right. Exactly. In fact,

that if we have time, I'll share a few things

that you can expect. In the years to come, I talked about that and

bringing that boys. So we are focusing kind of unfairly on girls

today, on women today. But there's a

counterpart here. And I don't know which is stuffer boys get

crazy to and do things that but

their very lives in jeopardy and will do equal time here eventually. Doctor, as you're

reading that, I know I am

instantly thrown right back into

my fifth grade. I was a little younger in my class and I was more

of a late bloomer. So I remember

watching these things happen with all

of my friends before I experienced

them personally. And even as

you're describing that, I've got a wonder. Which does personality

play into this? Because don't these

reactions kind of vary from

person to person? Yes. And you said

you were young and that plays a role too. I can identify with

that Luann because I lived in a neighborhood with boys a year

older than me. And I was accepted by them all through childhood. But they went into

puberty before I did. And that was extremely

disconcerting to me and painful to me

because they've gone up and I hadn't

they have gotten their growth spurt in. I wasn't and that they also didn't accept me

for a period of time. And the seventh,

eighth grades were the two toughest

years of my life. I've talked about

that before. That's the reason

right there. The timing of this

is everything. But let's let's go specifically to

your question that according to a report issued by the National Institutes of

Mental Health, approximately ten to

20% of teen girls experience what

they called a continuing state of crisis. That's physical, emotional, and

mental in nature, only ten to 20% have that extreme that you're talking about.

That's right. The stress hormones,

especially cortisol, surged through the

body and the brain. In some girls much

more than others. And approximately 80 to 90% of the girls they journey through these early

adolescent years much easier than I've

described today. It's really important for people to understand that not every girl goes

through the same thing, we are all different. But the truth matter is, it's really a matter

of degree because most pubis and girls struggle one

way or another, and so do their parents

and siblings as well. Once again, it's a

matter of degree. You've emphasized

the word timing. When it comes to

puberty, dad, some girls start early,

stem go start late. What determines

that process? And when it starts? Well, basically it's

genetically controlled. When the time is right. The hypothalamus

begins barking orders to the pituitary

gland and off we go. But there are

other factors that affect the menarche or the first menstruation

in girls. And there's some just fascinating

new research on this subject. For one thing, the better

than attrition and the general

health in a child that earlier the

onset of puberty. This is why both

boys and girls are developing earlier now

than in times past. And listen to these,

these numbers. I don't want to overwhelm everybody with figures, but this is important. The menarche in Western

nations dropped from 17 years in

18.83212 in 1962. American record show

that it was 14.6 in 19.119502013,

12.5198012.2 in 1992. So the perception that kids are growing up

earlier today is valid. There's another

factor that just fascinates me and this

is fairly recent news. When a girl has a very close relationship

with her father, he meets your needs. He affirm, sir. He tells her she is pretty she is

everything to him. Puberty is delayed, hum. And when he is abusive, are sometimes absent or aggressive with or

are in any way, is not what she

needs him to be. She grows up sooner

and no one knows exactly how that

mechanism works. But apparently

it is driven by the fact that a girl

who is not happy at home may very well be into a love relationship sooner in order to

get out of there. And her body begins

to prepare her for in that

incredibly thing, a little disheartening to the single moms

listening right now. But that reminder that you've always

said of how important it is

to have that male role model in the home. Yeah, you have to

find a substitute, whether it is a grandfather or a neighbor, or a coach, or an uncle, someone who can be

a father figure to that girl because

there's a need there which a mother

cannot satisfy. Well, it's kind of like a creator knew what he was doing when he created

the Mom and Dad. I mean, I cannot

tell you how many times we've said that

in the greenhouse when I've looked

at my kids and I said and Steve and I

disagree on something. This is why you have a dad and a mom because we bring the complete package

together and what we've been talking about

today is miraculous. Yeah. I mean,

it is wonderful that children are children as long as they are. That was God's design. But Paul's ID, when

I became a man, I put away childish things. So there is a time to make this transition and it's

all done chemically. And again, it's wonderful the way it takes place, but the transition

is tough. I mean, we, we have to admit that it can be tough. It can be some of this research that

you've uncovered, doctor is absolutely

fascinating. You have put Obviously, Well, as we know Ryan, three years at least

worth of work into this. I gotta tell you, I have questions

flooding my mind. I'm sure other

people do too. We'd like to address this on a second day

of programming, which we will

return to tomorrow. There's a lot

more here, Ryan. There really is. God bless. Thank you all for

listening and we'll see you next time for another edition of Dr. James Dobson Family Talk.

Watch: Bringing Up Girls: Puberty & Adolescence 2

Well, Luan dead. I thought the Family Talk program we aired yesterday provided some of the most most interesting and

useful information on adolescent behavior

I've ever heard well, I did to Ryan

at my youngest, my four has now entered

the teenage years. So all four of mine have experienced or

are experiencing that. And I knew some of

this information, but I tell you there was a lot more that he shared, which I'd never heard

before and would have been pretty

helpful. Oh, yeah. And if anybody that didn't hear yesterday's program, you really ought

to get a CD and we're offering

that one. And today's broadcast complimentary, if

you'll just call us, it's 87773268 to five. And of course,

people couldn't get a copy of my dad's new book bringing up girls. What's contains even

more information related to the subject

on these two programs. You know, dad, we plan to deal

with puberty and adolescence on just one broadcast, which

was yesterday. But really you

can't do that. There's just too

much good content left on the table. And it's not fair to parents or

people that are going through that just

to stop with one day, why don't you

talk about for those that didn't hear yesterday or need

a refresher, summarize yesterday's

broadcast and then we can get

into today's. I'll do that, Ryan, we were discussing the neurological and

hormonal changes in girls that accompany

the onset of puberty, which have a

profound impact on behavior and on the

self-concept than this, why we talked

about last time, it all begins with

a small gland called the hypothalamus, which sits in the

mid-brain area. And when the time is right, according to genetics, to hormones are released, which stimulate

another small gland, the pituitary, which in turn tells

the ovaries to start producing massive amounts of the hormone, estrogen. Estrogen then

floods the body and especially

the female brain, and sexual maturation is thrown into high gear. Now, I hope that real

quick explanation of something that's

really pretty complex didn't

lose everyone. But the essence

of it is that almost every aspect

of the body is affected by the

changes that occur in response to

these powerful hormones. And the onset of those biochemical

changes is called puberty

while I'm doctor. So that's kind

of as you said, the biological, the

medical aspect to it. But as we saw last time, there's also an

emotional aspect which is highly volatile

for several years. Speaking as the

female at this table, I speak from

personal experience. Those emotions can

go up and down. I don't want to hear from my mom and dad right now. Will you read a paragraph

from bringing up girls yesterday

that really does explain this very well. Why these youngsters around the 12 to 15 year age can be highly unstable

emotionally. Can you just share

that with us? I'd be a good

place to start. That paragraph

is on page two. Oh, one of my book and

this is what I wrote. Moms and dads should

understand that the hormonal barrage that initiate puberty is

highly dramatic. As some might

even say, toxic. To the female brain, and it can throw a girl and a complete

disequilibrium until she begins to adjust to it. This is why

parents must take the time to understand what she's going

through and it's why we were

talking about that yesterday and again today from Pew best sense

through adolescence, there will be recurring

times, meatiness, anxiety, anger, self-pity,

and depression. There will also be periods of giddiness, Glee, elation, sorrow, joy, aggression,

and happiness. Emotions are on

a roller coaster from the peak

to the valley. From one day or one

hour to the next. The entire family

sometimes hangs on for dear life until things

start to settle down. For some girls,

the return to equilibrium can take

five years or longer. In the meantime, surging levels

of estrogen and progesterone affect behavior and personality

dramatically. They have the

female brain and parents rocking

and reeling. Now, this is what

makes puberty so challenging and exciting

to both generations. And they, it sure helps if you understand

what's happening. Your precious

daughter, Mom and Dad, is growing up, and

that's a good thing. Without it, She would continue to be

a little girl for the rest of her life. Will doctor, you

described it very well. Is that roller coaster and I'm going to tell

you as a mom or dad, it's very easy

to just want to disengage during this

whole transformation, just back off and wait until this is

all blown over. Yeah, and many parents

do that and they think that's what their son or daughter wants them to do, but cause there's so

much anger between them. But that's not the

best approach. In an earlier chapter, bringing up girls

had talked about something that's

extremely important. It's called

Attachment Theory. It is thought to

explain more about child development than any other understanding

attachment theory. I hope our parents out there will take the time

to read about that. The essence of it is that during the first

three years of life, it is critical that babies and

toddlers quickly bond with their mother's first, and then a little later on, what their fathers and this connection forged

between them is highly relevant to everything

that comes after even one's health at 40 years of age or older, is linked to the

presence or absence of a successful attachment during the preschool years. And I don't have time to describe this in detail, but it relates

to what we're talking about today. But it also explains why the last word uttered by a dying soldier on a battlefield is

often mother. There's emotion attached

to that statement. Now, let me return to your question because

we really haven't answered it yet

about the role that parents should play when puberty is in high gear? What is expected of them? What would be best

for the child. I answered that question in my book on page two, O2 and that let me read it. What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? They answer in a word, is more attachment,

not less. Well, we just said that some parents tend

to pull back, but actually

your preteen or your early teen needs more connection

with the parents. Even when she is

most unlovable. She needs love and connectedness

from her mother, but also from her father. She needs them

to be as calm, mature, and

parental possible. There's no room in

the relationship for an out-of-control,

screaming, confused, and scared adolescent, a voice of reason

is desperately needed even with

a child who has become entirely

unreasonable. I know this is

difficult advice to receive or or to implement because

pubescent girl can be absolutely

maddening. But she typically has

little self-control and certainly doesn't

need a mom with the same problem. We mentioned last time that approximately ten to 20% of adolescent girls are in a long-term crisis mode because of the biochemical changes that are occurring. And they need all

the stability they can get from

their families. Strange impulses are

urging them to do things that make no sense

to a rational mind. And many of them can't help responding

the way they do. Dad, you talk

about how teens seemed to be pushing

parents away. And yet, this is the time where parents

need to engage. They really need

to be in there and pouring themselves

into their lives. How do you reconcile? Or even work in the atmosphere where

it's just you're getting rebuffed over

and over and over. Well, in your head, you still know they desperately need

your involvement. That's the trick. That's the challenge

of parenting because it is a

contradiction, as I said, at

the same time, that puberty and all those

biochemical changes are causing girls to pull away from the

people they love, especially those at home. Other forces inside

them are creating an inexplicable longing

for connectedness. Just as estrogen drives the need for

intimacy in infancy. It has the same

effect in puberty and adolescence only this

time it's more intense. The desire. Social bonding,

especially with peers but also with parents, creates great

vulnerability. This is why

adolescence travel in packs is to protect

themselves. And the most

paralyzing fear for girl in those years is the prospect of

being left out and rejected and criticize

or humiliated. I mean, that's a fate

worse than death. Even the most

minor criticism from parents can

produce a tsunami. The tears and, and retribution and slam doors. Overreaction becomes

an everyday event. Heaven help the mom or dad who tries to convince a sobbing girl that it's no big deal, they're wrong. Everything is a big

D. It really is. We asked parents

on our family talk Facebook page to tell us what their

greatest concern for their kids were. And we got an

overwhelming response. And really most of

them is about peers. It's my six-year-old,

already shows signs of needing approval from her peers. My 10-year-old looks to her friends and

celebrities, base her life on what

can we do about that? Because they're

looking at kids who are in the

exact same boat. They're all trying to

get the approval of their peers and they

go crazy doing it now. And the hearts of parents are

broken when they see their youngsters

suffering and hurting over

rejection and so on. To be wounded

by a boy can be a fate worse than death

to a vulnerable girl. And that's because during puberty

and adolescence, the most urgent biological impulse

track this, parents write this down, make a mental note of it. The most urgent

biological impulse is to be perceived as

sexually desirable. There's a hormonal

base for that, but that's what

a girl wants more than any thing else. You wanted to think about their grades in school and the desk that's coming up or keeping a room clean. She has another

preoccupation datas that why the dad relationship at this time is

so important. It sets the example and the bar for other boys. If he is saying,

you're beautiful, your special, you have value going on

daddy daughter dates. Isn't that curbing

the desire, the need from

boys her own age? And it is in fact, meeting some of that need. I've said that

several times on the broadcast here

in recent days, that the father is the first man and a

little girl's life. He's the first one

who can come in and affirm her from a masculine point-of-view. To tell her she's

pretty, to teller, he loves her and to elevate her in

her own eyes. That is extremely important because to some degree she is meeting that

ache inside that. If he doesn't do it, then she's gonna go find an answer to it elsewhere. And that can lever very vulnerable

spot with boys. But this explains why girls spend hours in front of mirrors examining and fretting and training, and rearranging

and enhancing, and wishing and

caking on makeup. Most don't like

what they see. It's sad that most

don't in this culture, you know, and

it is cultural. I was just in Orange

County, California. And there are billboards all over the place for plastic surgery and

women and you've got an underweight

surgically. They say enhanced,

but it's really not a skewed warped view. A female and it says women, you should be dissatisfied

with how you look. You should be unhappy with how you were born and

your natural body. And it tells men that you ought to be

expecting something different and it warps that relationship

and be so tough to be a female in southern California

right now and other places around

the country. In fact, that because

of the Internet and television and movies and

everything else, that's taking hold

everywhere to some degree. Believe me, believe me, very young girls

in second, third, fourth, fifth, great. Hear those voices. Yeah, they know

all it takes is, is one boy who's

important to him to make a joke out of some aspect of their physical body. And I mean, it burns

through to the So I just saw a study that

says If you ask boys what one of their

best attributes is, it will be an ability. They possess,

something they can do. If you ask girls that, they'll tell you

about a body part, you realize how

demoralized can add has to child. And then when you are 13, and these hormones are impinging on brain

and the body, and you're not

invited to the party. And this sixth grade that everybody else

is invited to. I mean, to tell you

the you develop scars that will follow you into the adult life. Now there's, there's

no easy answer to this because we live in a culture that is distorted, it is warped. It evaluates human

worth on the basis of things that the individual had nothing to do with it. It just happens to be. And when you see

your youngster just suffering because

of some deformity, perhaps in a wandering eye or certainly

straightening teeth and things of that nature. I think as a parent, you ought to step

in and help and to not acknowledge

it and listen when the girl or the

boy crying and not show that you care is a big mistakes or sweat. You can also go too far in that direction where

plastic surgeons get an opportunity to rebuild a face just because somebody is not yet

developed and so on. As I just said, it's not an easy thing to deal with, but it's something

that parents need to be aware of and help where help is needed

and especially when so many parents are going the other direction, they're allowing too much plastic

surgery and things to an underdeveloped or

not fully develop teen. And you've got

your daughter or son same but

so-and-so is getting this and I don't like this and

you've gotta be that strong foundation

for them saying You are perfect the

way you are created? Yes. Some parents.

Give breast augmentation On

the 16th birthday, for example, which

is absolutely crazy for your kid and every kid they come

into contact with. Yeah. You know, it's not just your child that's

being affected, but it's everyone there around. Luann and Ryan. There's so many subjects here that we could spend the entire broadcast or two or three talking about. If we're going to cover some of the more

important things, we'd better keep

moving. Well, let's do. And like we said, so much of this is complicated by all of these hormones that are surging as

you've described. One of those hormones

is oxytocin, which is just fascinating to me. Describe

how that work. Well, we have to talk

about the oxytocin because plays such a role during the adolescent

years and beyond, because it's almost

miss Civitas in its influence and its

stimulated by estrogen. But it has a nickname, it's called the

cuddle hormone. And you can figure

out where that leads when a girl

gets to know a guy and feel safe within her, oxytocin

levels rise. And it gives her a rush

of hope and trust and optimism and confidence and a feeling that all our needs are

going to be met. And she may start to

fall in love with him are something that feels like love for awhile, but not because he's the perfect human being

as she, thanks he is, he's perceived as the

perfect human being, but cause she starts

to feel like it. It's the other way

around and hugging and snuggling cause oxytocin

levels to surge, which leads to more

hugging and snuggling. Uh, you know, you talk

about a tender trap. Well, it's a bonding

mechanism, isn't it? It is our biochemistry

is designed to guarantee the

continuation of the human race. Now another aspect

of oxytocin, which is fascinating to me, is that new mothers are flooded with the stuff. And it's why a mother

who does not even know this squiggly

little baby that's put in her arms, falls madly in

love with him, sometimes in a matter

of an hour or two. I mentioned last

time a book called The Female Brain by Dr.

LouAnn Bryson Dean. And she says, and I quote from an

experiment on hugging. We know that oxytocin is naturally released

in the brain after get this now, after a 22nd hug

from a partner, sealing the bond between huggers and triggering the brains

trust circuits. So don't let a guy hug you unless you

plan to trusting. That's what it

comes down to. And I I wrote in my book, do you think you can help your daughter understand

this hormone? I said no chance. You only have to

hope her boyfriend doesn't know how

it works either, because a 20-second hug gives a girl a

sense of trust. That's not what

you want her to have when she's just getting acquainted

with somebody. And that's why. Dad, appropriate touches so important at this age

because she's trusting Him more and she's bonding with him

more and allowing him to influence her life in a positive direction. And now with that

information, right. And we have to go back to something that I said, I believe when our daughter DNA was here and

we were talking about the

relationship between girls and their fathers

and how there is a tendency in early

adolescence for dads to pull back physically from their daughters who are starting to round out, starting to become

more of a woman. And it makes them

uncomfortable. And so instead

of hugging her, as he's done when

she was younger, he is now leaning away and we call it the

Leaning Tower of Pisa. She is aware that

he is not as physical with her

as he was earlier, and she misses it. And furthermore, she

watches her father with a younger daughters

in the family. And that has not

changed for them. They still climbing

in his lap and all over his shoulders

and everything. But for a Pew best girl, that's missing and she needs that chemical

response Day. And it's precisely

when boys her age are paying more

attention to her. Yeah. That's 2.5 for some girls or boys or not paying

attention to them. And therefore they need their dads affirmation

and love even more. You know, I talked in the previous program

about the ache, the longing that a girl fields for that

connectedness with her dad. And I'm telling you

if it's not there, she's a sitting duck. For some guy who's

motives may not be honorable to come

in and meet that need. And that happens millions

of times a year. Well, this is why

the steadiness of apparent during this

season is so important. You talked about that

you need to be mature. You need to be

steady while they're going up and down and

she pushes you away, you need to be rock solid. But ironically, doctor,

some moms these days, especially are

finding it a little hard to be rational.

Explain that. That's absolutely

true, Luann, and let me explain why. But cause the onset of puberty is occurring

earlier today. And we've, we've talked

about that last time. And because women are

tending to marry later, it's not uncommon

for mothers to be going through

the stresses of minute pause at

the same time that their daughters

are entering the age of sexual

awakening. And the proximity

of those to volatile hormonal

experiences within a family can indeed cause a train wreck

between generations. Physician Nancy

Schneiderman, who is an author and she's done a

lot of television. And her teen daughter experienced just

that collision and their relationship. And it led the

doctor to write an outstanding book called Girl in the mirror. And in it she observed that in previous

generations, those pivotal journeys have been separated by time. But the simultaneous

occurrence of two highly charged

hormonal phases adds another dimension to the mother-daughter

relationship and it often creates calf fights between

generations. And all I can say

is dads beware, maybe ought to get out

of dodge every now. But I said in

the book and I, it's really true that

I was teasing there. In reality, fathers

are extremely important in the

midst of that chaos. And sometimes they can provide the voice of

reason on be a referee. When you've got two women in the kitchen

kind of thing. One last thing.

Who don i MAS FAA not my favorite, but A's long time

radio shock jock. And he once told

his audience that as the father of

four daughters, Anna, husband to an

emotionally wired wife, he never experienced

that day and the month

when someone in his house wasn't either kicking a dog or

slam the door. That's a funny. Even

though don i MAS says a way of irritating me and just about

everybody else. But the point

here is, doctor, keep your sense of humor. If you can maintain

your sense of humor throughout

all of this, the days will be

a little easier. That's true. And if people would like

a copy of yesterday, today's broadcast, we would love to give you a copy. No charge to you.

Just give us a call at 877 7326825. Ryan, I got a letter yesterday from a

woman who asked that you give that number

twice because she can't write it down at the speed that Utah No problem. I'll do that and give the website. It's 87773. Two sixty eight

twenty five. The website is Dr. James Dobson.org.

God bless. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time for another edition of Dr. James Dobson, family tough.

Watch: Raising Boy: Routine Panic 1

Thanks for tuning into this edition of Dr. James

Dobson Family Talk. I'm Luann crane here

with Ryan Dobson, and our host is

Psychologist and bestselling author,

Dr. James Thompson. Well, lewin, It's

the author part that will be

treated to today. A lot of listeners first heard about

my dad through his writings

long before they started listening to him

here on family talk. Titles like Dare

to discipline the strong well-child. Neither I might say

were written about me. Alright, just

make that clear. Maybe. Now over the past 2.5 years

on Family Talk, we've talked a

lot about one of his recent books,

bringing up girls. And today we felt

it's about time. We talked about

the counterpart to that book, bringing up boy, which actually

had a huge impact on us and the crane

home, Ryan, I mean, literally altered the

course for one of our sons several years

ago when we first read it and I can still remember staying

up in bed past midnight and finishing it and thinking, this is it. We are making some

changes around here. Well, it was one

of the fastest selling books he's

ever written. And parents are desperate

for information. I am. You are

all parents are. And that's why I spent some time a while ago recording this material in a couple of live audience sessions. He likes to interact

with people like this. And what we're

going to be hearing today was recorded

in a group setting with about a 175 adults

and something he calls routine panic and Ryan as the mother

of three sons, I tell you that

sometimes describes it, but this whole topic really fascinates me and hits

quite close to home. I know listeners will appreciate this as well. And just this no, after Dr. adopts

and addressed this groupie reserve some time at the

end for a brief Q and a with the audience, and we'll be sure

to include a few of those

comments as well. Here now is our host,

Dr. James Dobson. Well, we have been talking about

bringing up boys, the subjects for my book, been talking about how they are unique,

how they think, how to raise him properly, and how to make the most of their

masculinity, how to have boys

know that they are men or can become in. And it's a very important subject

and one that I really enjoy talking about a loved

writing this book, but it's also a fun

topic to deal with. Now what I wanna do

today is talk about the adolescent

experience and how it relates especially

to their fathers. We'll start there

and then go on from that point

to talk about the relationship

with their mothers. When I was 17 years of age, my father bought a new car. It's a big deal

in our family, as big deal in

our little town. Bought a 1953 Ford. It was beautiful. It was blue-green. I loved that car and my dad allowed me to drive it one day, which

was a mistake. I was 17 years old, had been driving

very long and it was lunchtime and

asked him if I could take it to go

get something to eat. And he said Yes,

so I took off. And on what date and when I was coming

back and noticed that the my fellow students who were

on the street, you know, it was lunchtime. And so there were a lot of kids out there and this gave me a great

opportunity to show off. And I just thought

it would be also a great opportunity

for me to test a theory about physics that I had always wanted

to investigate. Say, I had seen a guy named Joey chip would

at the State Fair. Joy was the evil can

evil of that day. And he was flying

through the air with these cars and that seemed like a pretty

neat thing to me. And I figured

that I might get that car off the ground too if I did it right. And in our little town, there were two big

bumps at the corners to accommodate

the flash floods that came through town. And I thought if I hit those fast enough,

I would fly over. It made sense. Joey did it. Why couldn't I do it? And so I backed up

about three blocks. And I mean,

these things are about three feet deep. They were big bumps

on both sides. And so I got going

about 60 miles an hour. And I hit that first bump. And I'm telling

my head went into the headboard and the

whole car convulse. It was I mean,

a front and a back hit the

bottom and then I curated into the second

bump and boom shot. I had no idea that

was going to happen. The whole car shuttered. And my texts, his

friends were awestruck. That Dow's about the neatest

thing they ever saw. They said, look at Day it. He got our Andrey stars. Well, I really

didn't get a lot of our under my tars, uh, but I sure shook up that car and shook

myself up pretty good. And I went on home. I left the car

in the driveway and didn't say

anything, obviously. Didn't tell my dad

about this about oh, I suppose two weeks

later my dad came to me and he said bot, which is what he

call me when he was pretty serious, says Bo, I stick the car and

had it checked, had it serviced, and all four shocks are blown. He said these things

are shredded. And he says, yeah, it's

a new car and shocks usually wear out a

little bit at a time. Dog gone, it just

absolutely shred it. You have any idea how this might have happened? Only thing that saved me was that for a

split second, I couldn't remember

having done it. I mean, that's I

here to killed me. He would absolutely

kill me. So I said no. And

he accepted that. And then about

two weeks later, I got in the car and I was driving off now when a short distance and

the steering post broke off and that the steering wheel

had no relationship to the wheels at all. And I went into a curb and bounced

over the curb. If I'd been gone faster, I could kill

somebody, namely me. And and that was strange new car. Why

would that happen? And it was several months

before I let myself Remember that I not only blue those

four shocks, but I probably cracked the steering post

on that new Ford. And I who knows

how else I messed up my dad's car

on that occasion. Now, by the time I figured out that

I had done it, the statute of limitations

has run on crime. And and I didn't see any reason to

bring it up again. And my dad never

asked me again. And he went to

his grave not knowing that I had

destroyed his new car. So Dad, if you're up there, I'm really sorry and I will never do it again. And you can have my allowance for

the next 20 years. And but it was the only time I ever

got are under my tars. Boys have an ability

to frustrate the very souls

of their dads. And yet, and yet never has it been more

clear than it is right now that fathers and if not father's

father substitute, are absolutely critical to the health and well-being and the development

of boys. Yes, they frustrate

us, you know, they, they lose our cameras, they drop our binoculars, they mess up our

work benches and they frustrate us

and a lot of ways, but they are

critically important. Now, in the 19 fifties, it was believed that poverty caused

juvenile delinquency, gang behavior, young violence

and other things. It was thought that

that came from poverty. That is now discredited. That's no longer

believe it's now realized

that the primary problem with

juvenile delinquency and I used to serve on a commission on

juvenile delinquency at the at the request

of President Reagan. So I've spent a lot of

time studying this. It is now known that juvenile delinquency

and all of the violence and gang behavior

and everything else is caused primarily by the absence of fathers. And in this culture today, that is the case, that's

what's happening. Now why our fathers

so important? The reason is because

of male role modelling. Obviously, a woman cannot teach boy what it

means to be a man. A man has to do that job. One who is committed to

that led to that boy. It needs to teach

him character, needs to teach

him how to work. It needs to teach him how to live an honest life, to be a man of his own word and needs to teach him

self-discipline. Those things are best

taught by a man. Interrelationship

with his son. There are four things that a father needs

to teach his son about the future

responsibility he will hold as an adult. Particularly if he is

in a family situation. All four of these

are controversial. All four of them

are under attack. There's been great

consternation over these four principles, these four understandings. And yet all four of them are linked to scripture. You can find every one

of them in Scripture. And the first is that a boy needs

to understand that he has to be the

provider for his family. Now, that does not mean that his wife may not work. She may make more than he, but the primary

responsibility for the provision

of his family, for the material

needs that his family is rests with the male, the father, the husband,

interrelationship. And this, again is controversial and young people

don't know this. Many young people don't. But it is very common

today for a guy to drive over and

pick up a girl. He may not call before he chooses to come over. He may Hawthorne

and she comes out and they go out to eat or go to a show or whatever

they're going to do, and he expects her

to pay for it. That's not the way

it's supposed to work. And you need to

teach your sons that that's not the way they're supposed to work. The guy is supposed to care for and provide

for the girl. And later is why. The second is the

matter of protection. Now, here again into another very

archaic notion, bony K, the way I was

raised when I was with a girl on a date and we were walking

down the street. I was taught that I was to walk on the street

side near the cars. Why? Because it

was symbolic of my responsibility

to take care of her. You need to tell your kids that he tell you boys that that this is a responsibility that

they're going to have. That scripture refers to our caring about our wives, husbands loving

their wives to the point of death

if necessary, the responsibilities

to care for her. And when you go back to provision or to provide for the apostle Paul said that if a man won't

provide for his family, he's worse than

an unbeliever. It's worse than an infidel. This is an

important principle needed to teach this to your kids and fathers are in the best

position to do this. The third is a matter

of leadership. Boy, you talk about a controversial issue here, but a man is responsible

to lead his family. I'm not talking about

being dictatorial. I'm not talking about ruling with an iron fist. I'm talking about

servant leadership. This is what a man

is supposed to do, and then to care for

and lead his family. The fourth is to be

a spiritual mentor. Family, this is the

man's responsibility. I I can't tell you how many women

have come up to me with a question about family life and said, the most frustrating

thing in our family as my husband will not accept spiritual

leadership at home. And yet, that is a role that he is supposed to, except you can begin to

teach your kids about that ultimate role and how they are to function

within a family. And really, as

I said before, only a man can teach

a boy how to do that. There is a very, very important point here that I hope I

can get across. And it is called detachment and differentiation. In other words,

a boy detaches from his mother and then begins to accept

the role model that he sees

and the father, the father really needs to entice the boy away from the feminine

characteristics in the mother and began to teach him to identify with the

masculine model. Folks listen to

me. It is now believed that

homosexuality is very typically rooted in the failure to accomplish that

differentiation. And when you see individuals who are

very, very feminine, and you go back

and you look at the early child development

characteristics, you will see a failure

to make that change. I've been very blessed from the early days

where the memory of my childhood and would

you believe that I recall that change taking place now couldn't

have used these words and I

didn't understand it. But I knew that I was

pulling back from my mother and toward my father between

23 years of age. And I was born

cesarean section 1936. And my mother was

not able to have any more children

because in those days they thought

you could die if you have more

than one child by cesarean section. So I was an only child and I was the whole

world to my mother. She didn't even

want children before I was born. And once I was born, I became a centerpiece

of her life. And at two to three

years of age, I became aware that she was smothering me

a little bit too much. Can you believe

that I recall it. And one day she had her arms around me,

she was kissing me. And I said to her, I think that's silly. And my mother's a

very bright lady. And she announced

that she got it. She innocently said, so do I. And she backed off. But what was happening

was that I was I was moving away from my mother and

toward my dad. And then my dad and I bonded in a very

different way. That's why fathers

need to be there. When they're

not there, when they're rejecting, when they're harsh, when they're

completely absent. When a work too hard. They're not part

of the scene. It is very typical

during that time for boys to get confused

about that role. And some of them almost consciously choose

to stay within the safety of that

feminine relationship. Instead of doing the

hard work of changing and moving in the direction of a masculine role model. Many men today do not know what it

means to be a man. They don't know what masculinity is all about. And the reason they

don't is they never been taught and they've

never seen it. And in our culture

in particular, everything masculine

is under attack. And there is this

assault on masculinity. Many fathers feel that they should not be

very physical with their boys because

maybe that's the source of homosexuality

and it's not. Do you need to be physical

PyCharm drown and tell him that you level tell me I'm proud of them. Column your son,

you're my son. And are very many people, only three of you or two or one who can

say that, hug them. Fathers, you are in

a very critical role during that period between 18 months

and five years. It will be important later, it'll be important in the adolescent

years as sweet. I talked about

just a minute ago. But especially in that

four-year window, you really do need to be on C. This is Ryan Dobson here and our family

talk studio. And you've been listening

to Dr. James Dobson speaking on the material found in his

best-selling book, bringing up boys,

emphasizing the need for us fathers to be strong role models

for our sons. Now will be featuring more of this message tomorrow. But as we said at the

top of the program, my dad loves to interact

with his audience. So before we wrap

up for today, we just wanted you to hear a few of the comments he took from the

group who had assembled there that day. And here now is the first question from the audience. Yes. I just wanted

to thank you because as a woman who is

dating right now and I'm looking for

my possible mate. It hurts to know

that you have to plan how much money you're going to take with

you on a date. And many times on dates, you don't know if you're going to be protected. And that always hurts.

A lot of times. They refer Well, if

I'm going to pay for this then later on in the night and then just cut to the chase in

the beginning and then you go, okay. You get stuck once

how about twice? Over the same person? Yeah. Would you go out

with that person out? Yes. That's it. Do you agree that you ought to object to that? Do you object to it? I think that I knew better how to I

probably would. Yeah. So you're just

going along as they go along and then not

go out with him again. Yeah. How about those that don't call an advance, but just sorta expect

you to be ready. My mom told me once

You will never let me go out with a guy that

hawks in the driveway. Let's hear it

for her mother. Take the microphone,

respond to this. I'd say the same thing. Why should I heard some stuff when I was

growing up, you know, voice should cut by Monday, at least Tuesday if you're going to go

out by Faraday. And I think that's

really been lost. And I think sort

of preciousness of being taken care of and being appreciated

for who you are and just being valued. I think that's being lost. Let me ask the

guys who here. How would you get

the modulo k? How would you

feel about a girl calling you and

asking for a date? I don't like it very much. I think it kinda robs. Like if a girl called me and was interested

in asking me out, I think it would rob me of just internal

desire to be the one who instigates

relationship. Does that happen? It has happened before in but it was mostly like

with friends and it was never with someone that I wasn't comfortable enough light to say, yeah, we'll go get ice cream, something

like that. But I like also

to comment on just I don't think

all hope is lost. I mean, but like I have

an incredible family, father as one who wasn't just a

spiritual leader. I mean, we, you know, I'm gonna male-dominated

household and me and my brothers

and my dad would just sit around

and just grunt because Escher's

and pressing. We would do this but

at the same time, I would walk into

my parents on their knees by their bed praying for their kids. Yeah. And my father

was one who I could watch him cry and he was one that

stepped out. And not only was

interested in me developing as a male, but he disciple me to

follow Jesus Christ. And I mean, like my dad is the most incredible man

I've ever met. I like that. Meet

your cereal. You really need

to just to see, just to see the kind

of unity in the bond. But man, it, it just, it's encouraging for me

to see that all that, not all hope is lost. We always absolutely,

we're raising out men, godly men in this nation. I'm, I'm excited

about next year. A very fortunate young man. I can tell you that.

Let me ask you this. Were you taught to open

a door for a while? It's like when you're talking about walking

on the curve. And then if you're walking a lady down the

stairs to walk, you step in front

of her, Okay. She stumbles and falls. Are there to catch to

open doors to the car. To Open to open the

door for the car. And they walk around two to open doors to

the restroom, chairs to there are a lot of women like to find you. I got serious journalist, but just let me

ask the others. I mean, this is

wonderful stuff. Tell me, in a

formal situation, we're not talking

about McDonalds now in a formal situation, would you help your

date with her chair? Yeah. I think that would be

a good way of showing respect and consideration

for they are not. I forget a lot of times because either we're

sitting in a booth, what don't you ever

forget it again? And that's our host today, Dr. James Dobson having a little bit of fun there with some of the younger members

of his audience. Ryan, I really appreciated that young man pointing out that all is not lost. I mean, while we

certainly have a lot of ground to make up

in today's culture. There is a crop of

young men out there who've been taught

and taught well, and my hat is off to those moms and

dads while flu. And we also

realized there's a mom or dad listening now, Hussein, oh no,

that's not me. I'm not trained my son to rise up and

act like a man. Well, we're here

to tell you there is still time, right? And you can

start by getting a CT copy of this

presentation or download it

from our website at Dr. James Dobson.org. It'd be a great thing

to listen to with your son and open up

that conversation. Well, even listen to it with your daughter's Ryan, as we heard earlier there, one young lady thank

to your dad for giving your permission to act and think like a woman. So you can see this is just classic

instructional material which you don't

hear everywhere. And whether or not

you're able to join us for part two of this

discussion tomorrow. We would encourage

each of you to go online right now and request the CD and a copy of

the entire book. Again, it's called

bringing up boys. And you can order online at Dr. James Dobson.org. This is Ryan Dobson for Luann Crane and our host, Dr. James Dobson

saying, God bless, and we'll see you

next time for another edition

of Family Talk.

Watch: Raising Boy: Routine Panic 2

Thanks for tuning

in today to Dr. James Dobson spam we talk, I'm Ryan Dobson with Lou anchoring and our

host of course, is America's foremost

family authority, Dr. James Dobson, and the author of the best-selling book,

bringing up boys, which actually Ryan made quite a buzz when it came out a few years ago, when people were

starting to notice that boys were in trouble academically, socially, psychologically. And my dad felt compelled to address this dilemma. And what are

the overarching concerns he focused on was something he

calls routine panic, where the pace of living in the exhaustion families are feeling really don't provide a positive

environment for raising our children and

especially our son. Well, because your dad loves to interact

with an audience, he assembled about

a 175 people, mostly adults and

college students. And he publicly

presented some of the fascinating research that he uncovered

on this topic. Well, it took them nearly three

years to write. A lot of people don't

realize that my dad is amply qualified to

address this subject. He earned his PhD from USC in the field of

child development, served as an Associate

Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Southern California School

of Medicine for 14 years. He's been active in

governmental affairs and has advised three presidents on

family matters. So he really does know what he's

talking about and he always presents it in such an engaging way. I love to listen to him. So let's get right

to it now on family talk as

we present Part two of Dr. James stops and special series on

bringing up boys, addressing the problem

of routine panic. Now, let's go

back to what I was talking about

before with regard to the relationship between a newborn

and the mother. At that bonding

that takes place. That ceiling of the

relationship is also extremely important to the future mental

health of that child. That 18 months, that represents the

first year and a half of life is extremely

necessary for the the mother and the

son to bond together. And what my great

concern is at this time is that we're letting that period of

time get away from us. There are 6 million

children at this time. That our toddlers

are infants that are in daycare from

almost from birth. And they're 13

million kids that are in daycare in the

preschool years. I know some women have to put their

kids in daycare. I know some of them have

to get back to work. I know there are single

mothers out there. They have no choice

and we have to be very compassionate

to those folks. And we have to do what we can put an arm around him. But it is dangerous

to do that. And, uh, research is now making that very clear. There is an instrument of the federal government called Child Health

and Human Development that has been doing a longitudinal study

for a number of years now on the

consequences of early child

care placement. And it is very, very interesting and

somewhat discouraging 1000100 kids in ten premier Child

Development clinics. And they followed them at six months, 12 months, 18 months, 24 months, and 36 months, and then followed

them longitudinally. And what they found is that those kids

that are put in Ciao care centers

from very, very early, and especially those

that stay long hours, there have a damaged

relationship between the child

and the mother. And at five years of

age in kindergarten, they're three times more likely to have

behavioral problems, to be in conflict, to be discipline

problems to fight, to bully, and to not be cooperative

and not be compliant. And it is related to the interference with that early bonding

experience. And that is only one of the findings that have

come out situation. Now lot of mothers know that this is a problem. I've seen a lot of mothers cry who are at work. And they know that once that baby has been born, they're going to have

to be back at work in six weeks and they have to let those babies go, then I'm going to be there when the first word is spoken or when that

first step is taken. But they don't feel

like having choice. 70% of American women, of those in that age group, in the preschool age group would rather stay home. But they're not able to do so for

financial reasons. And our federal government looks at that great idea. Why don't we give more

money for childcare? We'll make more

childcare centers. Well, that's not the point. What you need to do

is let the women and the husbands

and wives keep their own money so that more of them can do what they

want to do, which is stay home and take care of their

own children. And boys especially are in need of stability

at that time. Now, let me

address something that is related to this that really does

concern me. If you were to come

up to me and ask, what is the greatest

source of difficulty? What is the, the most common cause of divorce? Why is the American

family not making it? And why are boys especially going through such a time of difficulty? And there's one

answer to it. It has to do with what

I call routine panic. It is that lifestyle, that breathless

lifestyle where we don't have time

to talk together, we don't have time

to walk together. We don't have time to, for husbands and wives to be Alone Together for their intimate hours

and so on there too worn out there,

too exhausted. That is the typical

American lifestyle. And it has major

implications for children, both boys and girls, but especially for boys. I read the other day about a French naturalist by the name of Henry for Bray, doctor for Bray. And he studied

processional caterpillars. Processional caterpillars

are those that follow the caterpillars

in front of them. And you could see a whole

line of them there. And their program

to do that, he put them in a

large flowerpot and put them inside

the inner edge. And they began following one another round and

round and around. And they continued for at least two days

and into the third. And it's obvious that

they needed food and it's obvious that

they were fatigued. And yet they continued

to follow one another. And finally, he put some pine needles in

the center of that pot, which is the food

that they typically, but none of them would

go over and eat it. And they followed

one another around that flowerpot

until they all die of exhaustion

and malnutrition. In some ways

that is typical. I think, of the

American family were following one

another faster and faster and faster. If you take this book that I've written

bringing up boys and all of the problems that I

discussed in here. Most of them are linked

to that lifestyle. Most of them come out of the fact that

we're too tired, we're not there when

they get home at night. 59% have kids come home

to an empty house. Girls cope without a whole lot better than boys. Boys by their very nature, do not do well when they are not properly

supervised. And yet this is

the way it is. A book came out by the

name of bowling alone. It's a tremendous book. It's written by

Dr. Robert Putnam, who is a professor at

Harvard University. And his thesis is that Americans no longer

have the community. They used to have. You know, I remember

when I was a kid, we'd hear a knock at the front door at the

screen, if you will. And somebody would

say Anybody home. And my mom would

come running and she'd say come on in

and they would come in. This these weren't people we had an appointment with. They were friends

and had come over and they'd

come over and they'd sit in

the living room and mom would go put some coffee on the on

the in the coffee pot, then bring it and serve. It's usually had

some apple pie and banana cream pie or something to serve to them. And we would sit and talk. And there was a

sense of community, there was a sense

of oneness. It doesn't happen. Now. You gotta make

an appointment. You gotta get on

somebody's calendar. You got as put it three weeks in advance and then change

it four times. But cause we just you don't drop in

on anybody now, what I have time

to see each other, you would just probably be frustrated yet plan to get seven things down on your to do list a day and here they

are at the door. And then the absence of that community

has broken down. Well, Dr. Putnam

has said that this has become a

serious problem in American life. We are less involved

in J sees in Kiwanis, in elks, in PTA, I, in the Republican Party and the Democratic Party. They don't do anything

together anymore. And as a result, community

has broken down. The theme of a book. The title of the book

is Bowling Alone. Because he said

anime interviewed 500 thousand people to come up with

these findings. He said we don't even

bowl together anymore. Just as many people

or bowling now as were ten or 20

or 30 years ago. But we don't

bowling leagues because we're not in association with

each other, we're isolated, were

exhausted. We're alone. And now what's happening

in the Church? More and more

people are watching the electronic

church there not even coming together

to commune together, even though Paul

said to forsake, not the assembling

together. And that is what

has happened. Well, this relates

very much to boys and, and how they function

because you get a chaotic lifestyle

where there is no time and everybody is going in opposite

directions. Boys don't do well under

those circumstances. There's another study

that was done called the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. This another very, very

important long-term study that's been done to, to see what the effects are of this kind

of lifestyle. And what they looked

at were Violence, juvenile delinquency

of all sorts, suicide, conflict

in school, academic difficulties

here or these, these problems

that you see with young people that

are on the increase. And then they tried

to relate that to the characteristics

of family life that, that they were observing in 11 thousand families

that they studied. And, you know, what

came out of that? This just fascinates me. Do you know how to prevent a lot of these problems? You know, I was

number one in the outcome as to how to prevent

adolescent difficulties. It was simply to be together as

husband and wife, husband or wife with your kids four times a day? In the morning after

school, at dinnertime. And at bedtime, just

be in the vicinity. Those four times per day. And the incidents of adolescent rebellion

dropped dramatically. Just from that difference. There was another

study also done by man at Harvard

University, Dr. Blake Bowden who I, who came up with