TP3 edited

I think you’re off to a good start on your opening segment, but the purpose seems underdeveloped. The purpose of a memo is usually found in the opening paragraph and includes:

· the purpose of the memo

· the context and problem

· the specific assignment or task

With this in mind, let’s look at what you have:

PURPOSE: Comparative Analysis of a Domestic Intelligence Agency for the United States

This information does signal what the document is. If this is all your instructor is looking for, then this probably meets the requirement.

However, the purpose is typically written as a complete sentence and is usually preceded by information that provides some background (context) of the issue. It looks like you might have actually placed the information for this section at the end of your BACKGROUND section:

As such, the best alternative is to establish a domestic intelligence agency. As such, the report offers an analysis of various issues that are associated with instituting domestic intelligence agency.

Also, it examines and analyzes organizations of other nations that have instituted democratic institutions. The best nations to learn from are the UK, India, as well as Australia. Furthermore, the examination will be used to determine whether the United States Intelligence reforms will mainly be centered on targeting the intelligence shortfalls. Moreover, it will also explore whether the establishment of the intelligence organization is a feasible idea to deal with the threats that are culminating in the present era caused by the terrorists.

The BACKROUND section should only be for providing relevant historical information regarding the topic.

Here’s a sample introduction for a memo:

Due to extensive customer feedback, we at Chloe’s Cupcakes would like to demonstrate our commitment to making healthy choices by publishing nutrition information for all of our baked goods. Although our stores would not be required by law to provide the nutrition facts of our products, we agree that customers should have access to as much information as they desire before making a purchase. The purpose of this memo is to __________.

The blue section states the issue. The green section narrows the focus. The yellow section signals the document’s purpose.

Here is a link to more information on writing the parts of the business memo, including information on the opening segment and other segments.

( Development & Research Goals: Develop coherent paragraphs, points, and/or sections so that each is internally unified and functions as a part of your entire document or presentation. Tailor your communications to the audience. Provide sufficient support for your ideas Integrate material from research (if required) smoothly into your own content. )

Paragraph-Level Transitions

, I also think your paper could benefit from stronger paragraph transitions. Transitions are bridges between what has been read and what is about to be read. Transitions help readers move from sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph. Paragraph-level transitions usually link the first sentence of a new paragraph with the first sentence of the previous paragraph. With this in mind, let’s look at two paragraphs from your draft:

There are specific criteria that can be applied to establish a measure for a domestic intelligence agency (Treverton, 2008). The organization partners with several countries to boost governance and also to determine the best policy recommendations that can enhance government reforms. For instance, some of the criteria entail the subordination of intelligence agencies to national laws, oversight, as well as effective coordination of the intelligence tasks.

It is important to examine regions that have put in place similar democratic agencies and threats. In this regard, nations such as Australia and India have a geographic scope, which can assist in determining the key factors that can be used to institute useful domestic intelligence capability for the U.S (Treverton, 2008). Moreover, the examinations are also beneficial since it will assist in determining whether the current intelligence reform policies are mainly geared to target the perceived intelligence challenges. Also, it will help in providing additional policy recommendations. Moreover, it will assist in determining whether the establishment and implementation of a domestic intelligence will be feasible and acceptable.

Above you have a topic sentence (gray) that seems a bit disjointed from the previous paragraph. This can lend your paper a “choppy” feel and disrupt the flow of your prose. To correct this error, it sometimes helps to make a slight reference to the topic of the previous paragraph (yellow). You might try something like this:

Another important criterion is to examine regions that have put in place similar democratic agencies and threats.

, don’t forget to single-space your draft (with a space in-between paragraphs). This will make it easier for your reader to tell where one paragraph ends and where the next one begins.

Here is a link to more information about transitions and how they work.

Subject-Verb Agreement

, when writing your paper, watch out for errors in subject-verb agreement. Subject-verb agreement deals with the need for subjects and verbs in a sentence to agree in number. This means that if the subject is singular, then the verb should be singular. Alternatively, if the subject is plural, then the verb should be plural.

Here’s an example from your draft of a subject and verb that do not agree:

Also, the intelligence agency needs to deal with the threats that is represented by the terror groups that mainly make use of the relatively simple approaches to cause harm and inflict lows of life and other damages.

Here you have a plural subject (threats) and a singular verb phrase ( is represented). For these to agree, the verb phrase must be changed to its plural form:

Also, the intelligence agency needs to deal with the threats that are represented by the terror groups that mainly make use of the relatively simple approaches to cause harm and inflict lows of life and other damages.

Be sure to proofread your entire draft to make sure all subjects and verbs agree.

This web site contains tips on proofreading for and revising errors with subject-verb agreement.

Pronoun-Antecedent Agreement

, it also looks like you could use some help with making pronouns and antecedents agree. A pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun. Many pronouns have antecedents, nouns or pronouns to which they refer. A noun and its antecedent agree when they are both singular or both plural. Here’s an example from your draft of a pronoun and antecedent that do not agree:

Moreover, the examinations are also beneficial since it will assist in determining whether the current intelligence reform policies are mainly geared to target the perceived intelligence challenges.

Here you have a singular pronoun (it) and a plural antecedent (examinations). For these to agree, the pronoun must be changed to its plural form:

Moreover, the examinations are also beneficial since they will assist in determining whether the current intelligence reform policies are mainly geared to target the perceived intelligence challenges.

Here’s another example to further illustrate the pronoun/antecedent rule. Since an organization is a singular noun, its pronoun should also be singular:

The NAACP is an organization. It is well known for its support of African-Americans.

However, when discussing this organization in a plural form, you would need to change the pronoun to match the antecedent:

The leaders of the NAACP are tireless activists. They continue to fight for equality.

Be sure to proofread your draft for pronouns and antecedents that do not agree.

Here is the link to a handout on pronoun-antecedent agreement.