Touchstone 3

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

Are you ready to write Touchstone 3?

The informative essay below provides an example of an advanced level revision for prompt B: Extended Definition. As you read through the revised informative essay, notice how the author improved his essay relative to the first draft by strengthening his thesis statement, removing unnecessary words and sentences, revising sentences for variety, eliminating non-objective language, and reorganizing some paragraphs to improve essay flow . This sample revision employs effective strategies to improve the composition and reflects thoughtfully on the revision process. ______________________________________________________________________

Marcus Bishop

English Composition I

January 28, 2018

Margarita and Walter live in the same small town. Margarita is a high school

math teacher and Walter is an auto mechanic. Who is more intelligent, Margarita or

Walter? Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word intelligence variously as

“the skilled use of reason,” and “the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s

environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (such as tests).”

Most people in Margarita and Walter’s small town would consider Margarita to be more

intelligent than Walter because she has graduated from college while Walter has simply

been interested in cars and how they work for all of his life. The definition of “intelligent”

should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual actions.

Limiting intelligence to that which can be measured by “objective criteria” ignores

the fact that human beings think and learn in different ways. While Margarita may be

Comment [SL1]: Nice job revising the thesis to remove non-objective language.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

intelligent in a logical, mathematical sense – she can easily grasp abstractions,

reasoning, and numbers – Walter is intelligent in a more physical sense – he has fine

motor skills and expresses his intelligence through manipulating and skillfully handling

objects. Walter can diagnose an engine knock as a problem with the car’s spark plugs,

but Margarita is able to diagnose a student’s difficulty with learning the multiplication

tables. These are both types of intelligence and one is not superior to the other. Walter

is not “more” intelligent than Margarita; he is merely intelligent in a different way.

Other types of intelligence are sometimes referred to as “talents” or “special

abilities.” Take a professional athlete, for example: a person like Michael Jordan

becomes famous for his agility and physical prowess, rising above other most other

competitors in his field. Is Michael Jordan more intellectually “intelligent” than other

athletes, or does he possess a physical superiority that can be translated into a different

type of “intelligence”? His control over his own body movements and his innate

understanding of physical timing and personal effort demonstrate a broader definition of

the term. This type of “physical intelligence” is found in many professions. Think of

actors who delve deeply into a character by physically becoming homeless if they are to

portray a homeless person on screen, for example, or who ride along with police officers

as they do their job in real life so they can faithfully represent the life of a police officer in

film. Professional dancers endure punishing physical routines to express themselves,

and people who build houses or buildings are physically engaged in the process. These

are all examples of people who may possess a greater physical intelligence than the

intellectual intelligence most often accepted as the true definition of the word

“intelligent.”

Comment [SL2]: I can see that you revised the body of this paragraph to include more sentence variety. The paragraph flows much better now, and the sentences are nicely structured.

Comment [SL3]: Again, great examples here. And I see that you fixed the punctuation error— well done!

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

So what does a “physical intelligence” mean? Think of the person who has never

had musical training but can hear a song and reproduce it, note by note, or the musician

who can teach himself to play a musical instrument through concentration and having

an “ear” for it. These are forms of “musical” intelligence. Or think of the person who is

able to navigate her way through unfamiliar surroundings. Without a map or other

outside source, some people are able to “sense” location and move unerringly in the

right direction. Taxi drivers are a good example of someone with spatial intelligence, as

are astronauts and airplane pilots. Surely this ability must be a form of intelligence as

well. It cannot be easily measured by an intellectual examination, but that does not

mean it is not an intelligence in itself.

For many years, an IQ test has been society’s measure of intelligence. An

“intelligence quotient” (IQ) is a total score arrived at through a series of standardized

tests that have been developed to measure and assess human intelligence. Dividing a

person’s mental age (derived from test scores) by his chronological age and multiplying

by 100 has long been the standard of arriving at a number to reflect one’s IQ. The

average IQ is often stated as being between 90 and 110, with a certain proportion being

lower and a proportion being higher.

At best, however, IQ scores are mere estimations of human intelligence. What of

the person, perhaps a person like Walter, who does not perform well on a written test?

Is an IQ score based on these tests truly reflective of his level of intelligence? What of

the person who can play a tune on a guitar with no training but who may stumble to

answer a question based on logic or reasoning? Because the word “intelligent” has so

many possible interpretations and so many possible ways of manifesting itself in the

Comment [SL4]: You substantially revised this paragraph in order to remove all non-objective language/examples. Really great work— the essay is now strictly in the informative mode and does not present instances of bias.

Comment [SL5]: The new placement of this paragraph is a lot better, as it ties into the next one nicely. The essay now feels more organized overall.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

physical world, one should reject the idea that it can be accurately measured by a series

of written tests designed by some professors in a laboratory.

The definition of the word “intelligent” should be expanded to include the many

different types of intelligence that human beings possess. Intelligence is not merely an

intellectual measurement; it encompasses many skills and aptitudes not traditionally

associated with “intelligence.” Someone may be “book smart,” but someone else may

be “street smart,” and neither is more intelligent than the other. In academia, the “book

smart” person may find success and recognition, but he or she would struggle if asked

to survive a day on the streets of a large city. Rather than deeming one person more

“intelligent” according to a strict definition of the word, the definition of “intelligent”

should be altered to be more inclusive of the many traits we as humans demonstrate in

our day to day lives.

Think About Your Writing:

1. How much time did you spend revising your draft? Which revision strategies

did you use, and which of them worked best for you? (2-3 sentences)

2. How did the revision process improve your essay? (2-3 sentences)

3. What did you learn about your writing process or yourself as a writer? (2-3

sentences)

Comment [SL6]: This is a much more substantial conclusion. You’ve done a great job expanding on the main idea of your essay without losing focus.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

COPY OF TOUCHSTONE 2.2 SUBMISSION

Intelligence: A Re-Definition

Margarita and Walter live in the same small town. Margarita s is a high school

math teacher and Walter is an auto mechanic. Whom is more intelligent, Margarita or

Walter? Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word intelligence variously as

“the skilled use of reason,” and “the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s

environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (such as tests).”

Most people in Margarita and Walter’s small town would consider Margarita to be more

intelligent than Walter because she has graduated from college while Walter has simply

been interested in cars and how they work for all of his life. I believe the definition of

“intelligent” should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual

actions.

Limiting intelligence to that which can be measured by “objective criteria” ignores

the fact that human beings think and learn in different ways. Margarita may be intelligent

in a logical, mathematical sense – she can easily grasp abstractions, reasoning, and

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

numbers – but Walter is intelligent in a more physical sense – he has fine motor skills

and expresses his intelligence through manipulating and skillfully handling objects.

Margarita may be able to diagnose a student’s difficulty with learning the multiplication

tables, but Walter can diagnose an engine knock as a problem with the car’s spark

plugs. Margarita and Walter both possess a type of intelligence and one is not superior

to the other. Margarita is not “more” intelligent than Walter; she is merely intelligent in a

different way.

Other types of intelligence are sometimes referred to as “talents” or “special

abilities.” Take a professional athlete, for example, a person like Michael Jordan

becomes famous for his agility and physical prowess, rising above other most other

competitors in his field. Is Michael Jordan more intellectually “intelligent” than other

athletes, or does he possess a physical superiority that can be translated into a different

type of “intelligence”? His control over his own body movements and his innate

understanding of physical timing and personal effort demonstrate a broader definition of

the term. This type of “physical intelligence” is found in many professions. Think of

actors who delve deeply into a character by physically becoming homeless if they are to

portray a homeless person on screen, for example, or who ride along with police officers

as they do their job in real life so they can faithfully represent the life of a police officer in

film. Professional dancers endure punishing physical routines to express themselves,

and people who build houses or buildings are physically engaged in the process. These

are all examples of people who may possess a greater physical intelligence than the

intellectual intelligence most often accepted as the true definition of the word

“intelligent.”

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

(EDIT for punctuation – replace comma with a colon or period.)

For many years, an IQ test has been society’s measure of intelligence. An

“intelligence quotient” (IQ) is a total score arrived at through a series of standardized

tests that have been developed to measure and assess human intelligence. Dividing a

person’s mental age (derived from test scores) by his chronological age and multiplying

by 100 has long been the standard of arriving at a number to reflect one’s IQ. The

average IQ is often stated as being between 90 and 110, with a certain proportion being

lower and a proportion being higher.

I have an uncle who has never had musical training in his life, yet he can hear a

song and sit down at the piano and reproduce that song note for note. Is this a type of

“intelligence”? If not, how can one explain it? Why do some people simply have this

musical ability and others do not? Another relative of mine is known as the “navigator”

because she can easily visualize spatial settings – that is, when we’re traveling in an

unknown territory, she unerringly gets us to the place we’re going without the use of

maps or other outside sources. As someone who is quickly disoriented in unfamiliar

settings, this sure sense of direction and place is something to admire as a form of

intelligence.

At best, however, IQ scores are mere estimations of human intelligence. What of

the person, perhaps a person like Walter, who does not perform well on a written test?

Is an IQ score based on these tests truly reflective of his level of intelligence? What of

my uncle who can play a tune on a guitar with no training but who may stumble to

answer a question based on logic or reasoning? Because the word “intelligent” has so

many possible interpretations and so many possible ways of manifesting itself in the

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

physical world, I reject the idea that it can be accurately measured by a series of written

tests designed by some supposedly intelligent professors in a laboratory. People who

consider only intellectual prowess as a sign of intelligence are not very intelligent

themselves.

In conclusion, I believe the definition of the word “intelligent” should be expanded

to include the many different types of intelligence that human beings possess. Someone

may be “book smart,” but someone else may be “street smart,” and I don’t believe that

one is more intelligent than the other.

SCORING APPEARS ON THE NEXT PAGE

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

SCORING for Sample Touchstone 3

The sample essay was evaluated according to the Touchstone 3 Rubric, which evaluates the revision and editing of either the Image Analysis OR Expanded Definition Essay. This particular essay was written using the expanded definition approach. The rubric evaluates the revision and edits made to the essay, the expanded definition, the working thesis statement, organization, style and tone, focus, conventions and proofreading, and responses to the “Think About Your Writing” questions. Each rubric area is evaluated according to the performance level.

Revising and Editing

It is very clear that the writer put significant thought into the revision process. The organization of the

essay has been altered to improve flow and clarity, edits have been made to the thesis statement and to

some topic sentences, and edits to sentences and word choices have improved the overall focus, clarity,

and tone of the essay.

Area Score: Advanced 27/30

Expanded Definition

The writer has chosen a meaningful word and has expanded on its meaning with a description of the

word’s traditional meaning, a rationale for expanding it, and a thorough discussion of the new, expanded

meaning.

Area Score: Advanced 15/15

Working Thesis (5 possible points)

The essay has a clear and focused thesis: “The definition of “intelligent” should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual actions.” The edited thesis is now more concise, conveys a non- objective tone, and remains appropriately narrowed and states the central claim of the essay.

Area Score: 5/5

Organization (5 possible points)

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

The essay has an introduction with a thesis, an adequate number of body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Body paragraphs contain a topic sentence and supporting details. The writer uses transitions effectively within paragraphs, and edits have improved transitions and transitional expressions between paragraphs which have enhanced the overall flow of the essay.

Area Score: 10/10

Style and Tone (5 possible points)

The writer’s tone remains largely unbiased and informative throughout the essay. The writer uses logic

and examples to support the thesis and purpose. A wide variety of sentence structures help to keep the

reader engaged.

Area Score: 10/10

Focus (5 possible points)

The essay has a clear and focused thesis and edits to the original essay have provided enhanced support

for the thesis and improved the overall focus of the essay.

Area Score: 5/5

Conventions (5 possible points)

The writer has made few, if any, errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, usage, or mechanics.

Area Score: 10/10

“Think About Your Writing” Questions (5 possible points) The answers to the questions are thoughtful and insightful. The answers effectively address the question and either adhere to or exceed the length guidelines.

Area Score: 5/5

TOTAL SCORE: ADVANCED 87/90

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

This revised informative essay is successful as an extended definition essay. An interesting definition is

explored and thoughtfully extended using reason, critical thinking, and concrete details as support. The

style remains informative and unbiased throughout, with effective choice of words and good use of

transitions to connect ideas. The revisions that were made to the essay streamlined the ideas articulated

and added stronger support for the author’s thesis. The author’s answers to the reflection questions were

well thought out and met the requirements. On the whole, this revision provides a good example of

making effective revisions to a composition.