Read story and do fiction critique. I post the story and what need to do and sample to be clear

Shannon Masington ENGL 221-W02 September 12, 2017 Short-Short 2

It’s Not Fair

Once upon a time, in a world full of misery and fear, lived a lonely girl who had nothing

and no one in her life. Sadly, that girl is me, Tamara. I was born in a doublewide trailer in

southern Kentucky and when I say born, I mean literally birthed in my family’s trailer. Well, it

wasn’t actually my family’s trailer since we only rented it and, come to think of it, there wasn’t

much of a family since my father had taken off the moment the opportunity arose. That left just

me and my mom, who apparently couldn’t handle the pressures of being a single parent and

turned to heroin the minute my father left. Now I’m the one stuck picking up the pieces.

My father left when I was in 8th grade. “Tamara, I’m going to the store, is there anything you

want me to pick up for you?”

“Yes!! Please bring home those cinnamon donuts. Yanno the ones I love? I haven’t had

them in forever.”

“You got it kid.” Sadly, my father never returned with those donuts. Hell, he didn’t return

at all. This is when my life hit an all time low. You see, I had grown accustomed to being poor.

Living hand to mouth and paycheck to paycheck but my at least when my father was still there,

and even though they fought like cats and dogs, I still had a family. Now I don’t have shit.

My mother’s downfall began shortly after dad left. I was in 9th grade and I was getting

ready for my first homecoming dance. My best friend at the time, Susan, let me borrow one of

her many dresses as mom and I surely couldn’t afford one, and I had a date with one of the cutest

guys in our class, Aaron. Our whole gang of friends chipped in and rented a limo and we set out

for dinner and pictures three hours before the dance even began. I was on cloud nine and felt like

nothing could bring me down that day.

I had no way of knowing just how wrong I was as later that night my life, as part of what

was becoming a pretty consistant pattern, took yet another unexpected turn for the worst.

There I was. Wrapped in Aaron’s arms getting pictures next to Susan’s beautiful stone

fireplace when her mom interrupted, “Um, Tamara, um, can you come here for a second?”

“Uh, I’m getting pictures right now, can it wait?”

“Tamara, your moms in the hospital” she blurted out.

Immediately I ran to the kitchen and started sobbing. I thought she had been in an

accident or someone jumped her which was not an uncommon occurrence around here as we

lived in a horrible part of town. But no. Far worse. My mother had overdosed on heroin for the

first time in what would soon become a seemingly never-ending cycle.

Now, when I am supposed to be going into my senior year of high school and enjoying

life with all my friends, I’m not. I had to drop out of school and get a fulltime job so my mom

and I could have a place to live. I have given up every right I had as a teenage girl. I shouldn’t

have to raise a 48 year old women. I shouldn’t have to worry about how I am going to finically

support myself at the age of 17. I shouldn’t have no friends. My parents ruined my life and it’s

about time that they get what’s coming to them.

Questions and Concerns:

Do I provide enough description of my characters?

Do I need to add more detail about the setting?

Do I provide enough detail for the reader to understand my story line?

Am I using too much descriptive dialogue?

Do I need to be more detailed about the characters emotions?

One person who read my paper on Tuesday said my story was “boring to read.” I am concerned

that I am missing something to make the reader want to continue reading. I thought my storyline

was interesting, however, if there is a way I could possibly make it better, let me know!