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Parental choice: What parents want in a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law across 67 pre-industrial societies

Menelaos Apostolou* University of Nicosia, Cyprus

Parents are influential over mate choice, and in most human societies they choose spouses for their offspring according to their own preferences. However, surprising little is known about the qualities which make a woman desirable as a daughter-in-law and a man desirable as a son-in-law. Using evidence from 67 societies such traits are identified and three hypotheses are tested: first, the hypothesis is tested that parents desire in an in-law qualities which are beneficial to them and their kin. Second, it is hypothesized that such preferences are contingent upon the sex of the in-law, as traits are weighted differently in a daughter-in-law and in a son-in-law. The third hypothesis tested is that parental preferences vary according to the subsistence type of a given society, as traits are valued differently in agropastoral societies and foraging societies. The evidence presented here provides support for all three hypotheses.

In the majority of human societies, the mating decisions of offspring are controlled by their parents who choose sons-in-law and daughters-in-law according to their own

preferences (Apostolou, 2007b; Broude & Greene, 1983; Stephens, 1963; Whyte, 1978).

In Western post-industrial societies, although individuals are free to choose their

spouses, parents also exercise a strong influence over their children’s mating decisions

(Sussman, 1953). This immediately raises the question of which traits parents prefer in a

son-in-law and a daughter-in-law.

Answering this question is a necessary step towards understanding how sexual

selection works in our species. As individuals with traits appealing to parents looking for an in-law gain a reproductive advantage over others who lack such traits, parental

preferences affect the direction of sexual selection by determining who is going to be

reproduced successfully (Apostolou, 2007b, 2009).

Moreover, knowing what parents want in an in-law is a necessary piece of knowledge

towards understanding family dynamics in societies where parents select spouses for

their offspring, but also in societies where parents exercise indirect influence over mate

* Correspondence should be addressed to Dr Menelaos Apostolou, Department of Social Sciences, University of Nicosia, 1700 Nicosia, Cyprus (e-mail: [email protected]).

The British Psychological Society

695

British Journal of Psychology (2010), 101, 695–704

q 2010 The British Psychological Society

www.bpsjournals.co.uk

DOI:10.1348/000712609X480634

choice (e.g., by giving advice). Finally, in-law preferences may reflect prior evolutionary

pressures, and thus, may provide information on past reproductive and survival history

(Buss, 1989). That is, current parental preferences may have been the solutions to

evolutionary problems of survival and reproduction that ancestral parents were faced

with during human evolution.

Parental preferences Recently, a number of research papers has provided some evidence on the traits

parents find desirable in an in-law. More specifically, Hynie, Lalonde, and Lee, (2006)

compared the mate preferences of children of Chinese-North American immigrants

with those of their parents. It was found that parents rate traits associated with

traditional family values higher in an in-law than their offspring rated the same traits in a spouse. Apostolou (2007a) found that British parents rank high in their son-in-law and

daughter-in-law traits such as good character and working ability. It was also found that

parents differentiate their preferences according to the sex of the in-law. For instance,

traits such as working ability and social status are valued more in a son-in-law than a

daughter-in-law.

Borgerhoff Mulder (1988) reports that among the pastoral Kipsigies in Kenya,

parents prefer as sons-in-law individuals who enjoy high social status, are wealthy,

educated, have a good character, and are industrious. Yu, Proulx, and Shepard (2007) found that Matsigenka women in Peru prefer men with masculine faces for sons-in-law

and interpreted this finding as a preference for good providers, as masculine men are on

average perceived as better resource providers. However, the aforementioned studies

are focused on a single culture, so they are less informative of parental preferences

across different societies.

Using a sample of 190 hunting and gathering societies Apostolou (2007b) found that

parents prefer sons-in-law who are good hunters and have a good family background,

while they prefer daughters-in-law who are industrious and come from a good family. Yet, this study is not particularly informative as it codes only for three traits on parental

preferences. Consequently, despite the recent interest in this aspect of parental

behaviour, and despite the call for more research on parental preferences (Beckerman,

2000; Buss, 1989), surprisingly little is known about the qualities parents value in a

son-in-law and a daughter-in-law.

This paper attempts to identify and test specific hypotheses on parental

preferences with respect to in-law selection, using data from the standard cross-

cultural sample (SCCS).

Hypotheses on parental preferences Through the institution of marriage, a new member is introduced into the family unit,

which plays a vital role in its survival and reproduction. For example, in hunting and

gathering societies sons-in-law and daughters-in-law contribute substantially to the

subsistence needs of the family: women by gathering and men by hunting (e.g., among

the !Kung, Lee, 1979). However, individuals differ in their hunting and gathering

abilities: some are good hunters, some are not; some are industrious gatherers, some are not. Parents secure substantial benefits for themselves and their family by choosing

competent individuals, who can help them in their struggle for survival. By being

indifferent to the abilities of a prospective spouse for their children, parents risk

696 Menelaos Apostolou

accepting as in-laws individuals who are unable to contribute to the subsistence effort of

their family. On such grounds, it is hypothesized that parents are not indifferent to the

selection of a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law and tend to prefer individuals with traits

beneficial to them and their kin.

In most human societies, men and women differ in their roles and their social

position (Ember, Ember, & Peregrine, 2002; Whyte, 1978). For instance, men are typically considered to be the family providers while women have the responsibility of

the household and the children. Furthermore, although women contribute to the

production of material goods, wealth is usually controlled by the male members of a

society (Whyte, 1978). Consequently, parents are expected to value wealth and working

ability more in a son-in-law than in a daughter-in-law. It is hypothesized then that

parental preferences are contingent upon the sex of the in-law; that is, parents are

expected to value traits differently in a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law.

Finally, parental preferences are expected to vary according to the subsistence type of a given society. For example, agricultural and pastoral societies have more material

resources than foraging societies (cattle, land, etc.). Thus, in-laws or their family

are likely to control more wealth in agropastoral societies than in hunting and

gathering societies. Accordingly, parents are expected to place more emphasis on the

material resources of individuals and their family in non-foraging societies. It is

hypothesized then that parental preferences are contingent upon the subsistence type

of a given society.

Method

For the purposes of this study, the SCCS, which consists of 186 pre-industrial societies,

was employed. The use of the SCCS offers a number of advantages including a

well-described set of societies, which are relatively independent from each other

(Murdock & White, 1980). Furthermore, the SCCS was constructed without a specific hypothesis in mind, and it contains a sufficient number of cultures for statistical analysis

to be performed. Data for marriage patterns and modes of subsistence were taken

from the updated electronic version of SCCS from the World Cultures CD-Rom

(World Cultures, 2006).

Based on existing codes, the societies in the sample were classified into two

categories: agricultural–pastoral societies which base more than 50% of their

subsistence in agriculture and animal herding; hunting and gathering societies which

base more than 50% of their subsistence in hunting, fishing, and gathering. Note that societies could be classified into even smaller categories, to reflect their subsistence

type even more precisely (i.e., pastoral and horticultural categories). Such classification

was not made because it would result into certain categories having very few, if any,

observations preventing any statistical analysis, and perhaps, leading to false

conclusions.

Using prior codes on marriage patterns, societies with no information on marriage

type, and societies where the typical pattern of marriage was courtship (i.e., individuals

choose their own spouses) were excluded from the sample. Coding was made on the remaining sample of 148 societies, from which identification of parental preferences

was possible for 67 of them. The reason behind this lack of information for more than

half of the sample is that many anthropological studies fail to discuss the specific

preferences parents have when it comes to in-law selection. A common pattern is for

Parental choice in 67 cultures 697

anthropologists to report that parents find a suitable spouse for their offspring, without

specifying which traits make such an individual desirable.

Reference sources were collected predominantly with the use of White’s (1986)

compiled reference for the SCCS. Murdock’s Atlas of World Cultures (Murdock, 1981)

and Atlas of World Cultures (Price, 1989) were also used. The anthropological materials

used are mainly in the form of books and journal articles. To ensure reliability, where possible, more than one anthropological source was used for each society studied.

The coding was made by two coders. One independent coder was employed to

control for possible biases (Ember & Ember, 2001). The construction of the coding

sheets was made in two stages: in the first stage, a small subsample of societies was

examined and a list of characteristics preferred in an in-law was created. Coding sheets

were prepared for these traits and coding was made by the two coders in two different

subsamples of societies to check consistency of results. In the second stage, coding was

initiated for the full sample of societies. More traits were identified in this stage and new coding sheets were constructed. The average correlation across traits for the two sets of

coding data was .92. In cases of disagreement, the two coders would attempt to reach a

commonly accepted solution. If agreement was not reached, the specific case was

treated as one where there is not enough information to reach a conclusion. Overall,

13 traits were coded.

Results

The 13 characteristics reported as important for parents in an in-law are listed in Table 1.

Parents do not ascribe equal importance to all traits; consequently, it is crucial to have a measure of the strength of parental preferences. If parents consider a specific

characteristic as important, they will vigorously look for it in an in-law increasing the

probability of this preference to be reported by the anthropologist conducting research

in a given society. On the other hand, if parents ascribe little value to a trait, it is less

Table 1. Ranks of preferences according to the sex of the in-law

Son-in-law Daughter-in-law

Rank Traits Frequency % Traits Frequency %

1 Good character 27 18.5 Good family background 26 24.5

2 Good family background,

good worker**

21 14.4 Good character 18 17.0

3 Industrious 20 13.7 Industrious 16 15.1

4 Favourable social status** 16 11.0 Good worker** 8 7.5

5 Good economic prospects* 13* 8.9 Chastity**, wealthy

family background

7 6.6

6 Wealthy** 12 8.2 Good heredity, healthy,

similar family social status

5 4.7

7 Similar family social status 5 3.4 Good looking 4 3.8

8 Good heredity, wealthy

family background

4 2.8 Good economic prospects*,

favourable social status**

2 1.9

9 Healthy 2 1.4 Wealthy** 1 0.9

10 Good looking 1 0.7

11 Chastity** 0 0.0

Note. *Significant in-law difference at p , :05; **Significant in-law difference at p , :01.

698 Menelaos Apostolou

likely this trait will be reported. Thus, it is reasonable to assume that qualities weighted

heavily by parents are more frequently reported in the anthropological resources than

qualities which are considered less important. The traits parents prefer in an in-law have

been put in hierarchical order in Table 1 from the most frequently reported to the less

frequently reported ones. In this way, traits at the top of the hierarchy are considered

more important for parents than traits at the bottom.

Parental preferences Parents appear to place great emphasis on the good character of their in-law as this trait

is located at the top of parental preferences. Of equal importance appears to be the

family background of the in-law with good family background being one of the most

frequently reported traits. Other traits associated with the family background include an

in-law from a wealthy family background, which is also preferred by parents, but it is

located at the lower middle of the preferences hierarchy (Table 1). Moreover, it is

frequently reported that parents are looking for an in-law from a family of similar social

status to theirs. Traits associated with the ability to acquire resources such as good worker,

industrious, and good economic prospects are highly valued by parents and are

frequently reported as important. The list of preferred traits also includes wealth,

favourable social status, health, good heredity (in the sense of being free from

hereditary diseases), and chastity. Finally, parents rarely appear to value good looks in a

son-in-law and a daughter-in-law.

In-law differences It can be seen from Table 1 that parents value traits differently in a son-in-law and a

daughter-in-law. Chi-squared statistic was used to examine whether the frequencies that

a given trait is reported differ significantly between in-laws. There are relatively few observations for every trait in each category, thus, the likelihood ratio chi-squared test

was employed instead of Pearson’s chi-squared test (Chernoff & Lehmann, 1954).

Statistical analysis was not applied on the frequencies reported in Table 1, but on the

data which have been corrected for over-reporting of son-in-law traits. More specifically,

in many societies parents control the mating decisions of their daughters, but allow

much more autonomy to their sons to exercise mate choice (Apostolou, 2007b).

In these cases parents select mainly sons-in-law, and preferences for daughters-in-law are

unlikely to be reported. This creates a bias since a trait may appear to be more frequently preferred in a son-in-law than a daughter-in-law; this difference does not reflect a real

difference in parental preferences, but rather a difference in parental control over

mating. To correct for this bias, cases where the marriage of the daughter is controlled,

but the son is free to exercise choice were identified (with the use of existing codes) and

dropped (12 cases). Analysis was then performed on the remaining cases (N ¼ 55), where parental control over mating is exercised on both male and female offspring.

The results of the statistical analysis indicate significant differences for a number

of traits. In more detail, resource acquisition capacity is valued more in a son-in-law than a daughter-in-law, as parents are more frequently reported to prefer working

ability in a son-in-law than a daughter-in-law � x2ð1; N ¼ 23Þ ¼ 6:14, p ¼ :013

� . Similarly,

good economic prospects are more frequently reported to matter in a son-in-law than

a daughter-in-law � x2ð1; N ¼ 11Þ ¼ 5:07, p ¼ :024

� .

Parental choice in 67 cultures 699

It is not only the potential to acquire resources that is valued in a son-in-law, but also

the amount of resources that he already controls: parents are more frequently looking

for a son-in-law than a daughter-in-law who is wealthy � x2ð1; N ¼ 11Þ ¼ 8:96, p ¼ :003

� .

Additionally, favourable social status, which also correlates with control of and ability

to acquire resources, appears to be more important in a son-in-law than a daughter-in-

law � x2ð1; N ¼ 14Þ ¼ 8:44, p ¼ :004

� . It is no surprise then that during the coding

process many cases were found where rich and powerful men who enjoy high social

status have more wives than the rest (see also, White, 1988).

Parents also appear to prefer a daughter-in-law who is chaste, while this is not

reported as important for a son-in-law � x2ð1; N ¼ 6Þ ¼ 8:50, p ¼ :004

� . Traits such as

wealthy family background, good looks, and healthy are more frequently reported to

matter in a daughter-in-law; however these frequency differences do not pass the

significance level. As the sample size is relatively small, a future study which employs

a bigger sample is necessary to investigate whether significant differences exist for these traits.

Subsistence differences In Table 2, parental preferences have been arranged according to the subsistence type of

each society. Two broad categories of societies are distinguished here: agricultural–

pastoral and hunting and gathering (see Methods section). It can be seen that parental

preferences vary according to a society’s subsistence type.

To begin with, wealth is more frequently reported as important in agropastoral societies than in hunting and gathering ones

� x2ð1; N ¼ 12Þ ¼ 3:80, p ¼ :051

� .

Furthermore, parents place emphasis more frequently on the good family background

of an in-law in agropastoral societies than in foraging ones � x2ð1; N ¼ 29Þ ¼ 7:14,

Table 2. Ranks of preferences according to the society type

Agricultural–pastoral Hunting and gathering

Rank Traits Frequency % Traits Frequency %

1 Good character* 26 18.4 Industrious 12 20.7

2 Good family background** 23 16.3 Good worker 11 19.0

3 Industrious 18 12.8 Good character* 9 15.5

4 Good worker 13 9.2 Good economic prospects,

good family background**,

favourable social status

6 10.3

5 Favourable social status 11 7.8 Chastity, wealth*, wealthy

family background

2 3.4

6 Wealthy* 10 7.1 Good looking 1 1.7

7 Wealthy family background 8 5.7 Healthy 1 1.7

8 Good economic prospects 7 5 Good heredity*, similar

family social status*

0 0.0

9 Good heredity*, similar

family social status*

6 4.3

10 Chastity, good looking 5 3.5

11 Healthy 4 2.9

Note. *Significant in-law difference at p , :05; **Significant in-law difference at p , :01.

700 Menelaos Apostolou

p ¼ :008 � . Likewise, similar family social status is less frequently reported as

important in foraging societies [x2ð1; N ¼ 6Þ ¼ 6:70, p ¼ :010]. Other traits preferred significantly more in non-foraging societies include good

character � x2ð1; N ¼ 35Þ ¼ 5:14, p ¼ :023

� and good heredity

� x2ð1; N ¼ 6Þ ¼ 6:70,

p ¼ :010 � .

Finally, during the coding process an effort was made to identify cases where parents are reported to disagree between them on what they want in an in-law. Not a

single case was found, as parents appear to be in agreement in what they are looking

for in a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law.

Discussion

Consistent with the original hypothesis, parents are looking for in-laws with traits which

are beneficial to them and their kin. More specifically, as marriage connects two families,

parents would like as a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law an individual from a good family

background. Such a marriage will forge an alliance between families that can provide

resources and support to parents and their kin.

Good character is one of the most frequently desired qualities probably because this

personality trait indicates that resources will be provided consistently over time (Buss,

2003, p. 32). More importantly, although marriage decisions rest predominantly with parents, divorce decisions rest predominantly with their offspring (Apostolou, 2007b).

An aggressive and abusive spouse is likely to be divorced. Betzig (1989) found that

cruelty and bad temper are among the most frequently reported reasons for divorce

across cultures. Consequently, parents who tend to prefer in-laws with good character

are more likely to arrange long-lasting marriages.

Marriage establishes a new member into the family, which has a vital role in its

subsistence activities. For instance, among hunters and gatherers, a son-in-law should

provide his parents-in-law with meat from his hunting efforts, while the gathering abilities of the daughter-in-law are of vital importance for the subsistence of the family

unit (e.g., the !Kung, Lee, 1979). Thus, traits related to provision capacity, such as

working ability and industry, are consistently preferred in an in-law by parents.

Although parental preferences are roughly consistent across cultures, there is also a

significant degree of variability. Prospective in-laws in foraging societies control less

material resources, so accordingly, parents in these societies value wealth less in an

in-law. Moreover, parents in foraging societies are less sensitive to the family background

of an in-law, and place less emphasis on good character. The explanation for these findings may be also related to the amount of wealth produced in each society type.

Families in agricultural and pastoral societies control more wealth, such as land and

cattle, than families in foraging societies. Therefore, parents in the former societies have

more to gain by being sensitive to the family background of an in-law. Additionally,

because good character increases the probability of an arranged marriage to last, this trait

is preferred more in agropastoral societies, where the stakes are higher if a marriage fails.

In accordance with the original hypothesis, parental preferences are found to be

contingent upon the sex of the in-law. In particular, parents appear to prefer wealth, working ability, social status, and good economic prospects more frequently in a

son-in-law than a daughter-in-law. This asymmetry may be explained by the fact that

parents exercise more control over the mating decisions of their female offspring. More

specifically, the female invests more in her offspring, and thus, becomes the scarce

Parental choice in 67 cultures 701

reproductive resource to which males seek access (Trivers, 1972). By controlling the

mating decisions of their daughters, parents can extract more resources from their sons-

in-law than they can by controlling the mating decisions of their sons (Apostolou,

2007b). Consequently, parents are more interested in the wealth and working ability of

their son-in-law than their daughter-in-law.

Finally, a premium is placed on the chastity of the daughter-in-law. This finding can be explained by the risk of cuckoldry: a daughter-in-law who is promiscuous and had

sexual relations before marriage may be or become pregnant by a man other than her

husband. Accordingly, this preference protects parents from diverting resources to

other people’s grandchildren. It should be noted here that chastity is a preference highly

susceptible to cultural influence. For instance, a cross-cultural study found that chastity

was highly variable across cultures both in magnitude of the value placed on it, as well as

in the presence or absence of sex differences (Buss et al., 1990).

This study has not coded for age preferences with respect to in-law selection. However, given the strong negative correlation between fertility and age for women, we

expect that parents would value youth more in a daughter-in-law than in a son-in-law. If

this is so, where marriages are arranged, women should be married at a younger age

than men, as parents would prefer older sons-in-law and younger daughters-in-law. This

hypothesis seems to be supported for the SCCS, where marriages are usually arranged

and women are married significantly younger than men (Apostolou, 2009).

In many instances reported in-law preferences correspond closely with mate

preferences. For example, people value strongly good character in a spouse, while resource acquisition abilities are valued more in a husband than in a wife (Buss, 2003).

These findings are not surprising: if a given trait is equally beneficial to both parents and

offspring, it will be preferred equally by both. Moreover, the division of labour mandates

traits to be valued differently in men and women, irrespectively of whether they are

in-laws or spouses.

However, the close correspondence between mate and in-law preferences should

not mislead us to believe that the two overlap. In particular, this study has identified

good family background to be one of the most preferred traits in an in-law by parents. Nevertheless, decades of research on mating preferences has not identified this trait as

important in a spouse (Buss, 2003). Also, traits such as beauty rank very low in parental

preferences, but this trait ranks much higher in mate preferences (Buss et al., 1990).

Again, these findings are not surprising; parents and offspring are not genetically

identical, and this results into traits not being equally beneficial, and thus, not equally

preferred by both parties (Apostolou, 2007a, 2008; Buunk, Park, & Dubbs, 2008).

In addition, survey-based studies on people’s preferences can be revealing with

respect to what people value. However, this does not guarantee that individuals actually base their choices on reported preferences. For numerous reasons, people may not be

honest, or they may take different things into consideration when they have to actually

make a choice (Daly & Wilson, 1999; Smith, Smith, & Christopher, 2007). This study is

based on observational data rather than on survey or experimental data. That is data

obtained by anthropologists who have lived in a society for an extensive period of time

and have recorded what parents, who actually search and choose spouses for their

children, value in an in-law. Effectively then, the method employed here gives the

presented results ecological validity. Despite its strengths this study is not without limitations. To begin with, the most

frequently reported parental preferences are considered to be the most desirable ones.

Although this assumption is reasonable, a trait that is not particularly desirable is

702 Menelaos Apostolou

unlikely to be reported frequently; this is also problematic as this method does not code

for what parents consider as most desirable, but uses frequency as a proxy of

importance. Moreover, the sample used in this study consists only of pre-industrial

societies; therefore comparisons between pre-industrial and post-industrial societies

cannot be made. For the same reason, the findings of this study cannot be directly

generalized to post-industrial societies. Finally, it would be interesting to explore whether sex differences in in-law

preferences are contingent upon subsistence type. This requires the estimation of a

model where the mode of subsistence and the sex of the in-law enter simultaneously as

independent variables. However, the small sample size prevents such analysis to be

performed. By providing coded data for an additional number of societies, future

research should attempt to examine this possibility.

To conclude, despite the fact that across cultures parents have a significant role in

determining the choice of a spouse, there is a gap in our knowledge on what parents want in an in-law. This study attempts to fill this gap by providing cross-cultural evidence

for the qualities which are desirable in a prospective son-in-law and a prospective

daughter-in-law. As such, it constitutes an important step towards understanding this

aspect of human behaviour and it provides a sound basis for exploring its evolutionary

implications.

Acknowledgements

I am in debt to Lia Mexa for her help during the preparation of this manuscript. I would also like

to thank Aris Boukouras and Maria Doritou for their constructive comments. I would also like

to thank George Sermaidis for his advice on statistical issues. Finally, I would like to thank two

anonymous reviewers for their constructive criticisms and comments, which enabled me to

improve this article.

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Received 16 June 2009; revised version received 25 October 2009

704 Menelaos Apostolou

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