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TheOnlineDatingWorldIsaMess_PsychologyToday.pdf
6/17/2021 The Online Dating World Is a Mess | Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202105/the-online-dating-world-is-mess 1/12
Caitlin Cantor LCSW, CST, CGT Modern Sex
The Online Dating World Is a Mess Here's what you need to know.
Posted May 4, 2021
Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
KEY POINTS
Matching online is meaningless, especially if it's based on little more than location and whether you find each other physically attractive.
The online dating systems perpetuate a fast dating pace, which is not conducive to developing a relationship.
Take control of your online dating journey by reaching out proactively and not compromising yourself.
Find a Therapist (City or Zip)
Does the online dating world feel like a total sh*t show? That’s
because it is. If you’ve struggled with online dating, you’re not
alone.
When you sign up for online dating sites, they tell you that they
are going to help you find the love of your life. They show you
pictures of happy couples and share success stories about
couples who met on their sites.
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Source: Christin Hume/Unsplash
What they don’t tell you is:
How much pain those people went through before finding
each other
How long they were using online dating sites and apps
before finding the right person
Whether the person they found was in fact the right person,
or if that couple is now divorced
How many of the people they dated from the site were
actually single
How many (if any) were emotionally available
How depressed they got while dating and looking for the
right person
How hopeless they felt along the way
How tiresome online dating got, and how many times they
gave up
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And that is a lot of people’s experience with online dating. For
many, the journey to those happy photos is long and painful. But
most people have no idea what a sh*t show the online dating
world is until they’re in it. And even then, when people start to
struggle to find the right person, they typically blame
themselves, not the online dating sites, apps, or overall system.
I’m not saying you don’t have work to do to heal old wounds and
elevate your self-worth, because we all do. However, if you don’t
address the issues with online dating itself, all the self-worth in
the world won’t help you reach your goal of finding the right
person for a healthy relationship.
That’s why it’s so important that you learn more about the online
dating world. Understanding what it really is will help you use
online dating sites more effectively, and help you feel more
empowered along the way.
Online dating sites and apps are designed in a way that actually
makes it hard for people to find the right person and develop a
relationship. I’m not suggesting that was done on purpose —
though it’s true that the longer you’re on those sites, the better it
is for those sites — but that is the result of the way the online
dating world works.
H li d ti k it h d t fi d
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How online dating makes it hard to find someone
These are a few examples of how the online dating world (or
system) makes it hard for people to find the right person and
develop a long-term relationship:
1. Matching online is meaningless. You’re sent people you
“match” with, but there’s no reason to think any of those people
will be the right person for you. “Matches” are sent to you based
on your location and possibly a few additional things that are
essentially meaningless. Sometimes matches are sent because
both of you found each other attractive. There are a lot of
attractive people out there, and most of them will not be
compatible with you. Attraction is not enough to make a
relationship work. It’s important to know the people sent to you
as matches are essentially random people. They’re no more
likely to be a good fit for you than some guy walking down the
same street. Go forward with communication knowing the
person is a stranger and seek to determine whether he is a good
fit. Don’t go forward trusting that because you matched online,
that you’re actually a good fit. That false belief leads people to
move faster with someone than they otherwise would and often
leads to disappointment.
2. It perpetuates a fast dating pace. The online dating world is a
fast-paced, high-pressure system with a quick turnover. The
constant source of people to swipe through, new matches to
check out, and new messages to answer foster a fast-paced,
busy system. There’s an expectation that you should meet a total
stranger, go on a couple of dates, have sex, and decide if that
person is right for you or not. That’s a recipe for staying single.
It’s impossible to know if someone is right for you after just a few
dates. Relationships don’t develop under pressure and they
don’t develop quickly. Relationships take a lot of time to develop.
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They require an unhurried pace, patience, and space for
connection to grow.
3. You’re not told that you’re walking into a sh*t show. Online
dating sites promise to help you find the love of your life. They
don’t tell you how long that will take, what you’ll go through
while trying to find them, or what you need to know to navigate
their system effectively. If you knew that the online dating world
is such a chaotic mess, you’d approach it differently. You might
approach it with more caution, seek help to navigate it, or feel
less bad about yourself when it doesn’t lead you to your
soulmate right away. You’d be able to blame the system, not just
assume something is wrong with you. If you were armed with
accurate information, you could make better choices and take
control of your dating journey.
Ways to make online dating work for you
The good news is, now that you’re beginning to understand
more about online dating, you can learn how to make it work for
you instead of against you. When I learned how to take control
of my dating journey, I stopped letting the system suck me in
and spit me out. Instead, I made different choices that helped me
feel empowered instead of exhausted and disempowered.
Ultimately, those better choices led me to the amazing man who
is now my husband. And you can do the same.
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These are easy ways to start taking control of your dating
journey so you can stop wasting time with the wrong men, meet
the right one sooner, and feel empowered along the way:
1. Reach out to people you are interested in. Don’t wait for
them to come to you.
2. Quality time, not quantity. Spend 5-10 minutes looking and
reaching out to those who interest you, and if you don’t see
anyone in that time, try again the next day. Don’t spend all
your time online.
3. Don't waste your time. Operate with a "my way or the
highway mentality," especially in the beginning. This will help
you weed out those who aren’t a good fit for you. This is the
biggest point I want you to take with you. The beginning is
when you put your best foot forward. If you don’t like the foot
they put forward, that’s a good sign they’re not the right
person. It’s not a sign you need to be less picky or work with
something you don’t like. There are many fish in the sea, and
if while chatting online before even meeting the person,
you’re not thrilled with them, don’t waste your time. People
show you who they are very quickly, and you have to believe
them.
There’s a lot to learn when it comes to online dating, but these
tips will help you start taking charge of your dating life. Don’t
leave it up to chance; don’t rely on the dating sites to get you to
the right person; act in ways that lead you to be able to trust
yourself and then trust yourself to be your greatest guide. You
are the hero of your story, and it’s up to you to realize it!
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About the Author
Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, CST, is a licensed psychotherapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist,
Gestalt Therapist and relationship expert. She has a
private practice in Philadelphia, PA.
Online: Caitlin's Couch, Facebook, Instagram
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