CA104

C H A P T E R

Why Study Interpersonal Communication

The Nature of Interpersonal Communication

Elements of Interpersonal Communication

Principles of Interpersonal Communication

1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication

PART 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication

Ryan wants to ask Professor Starck for a recommendation for a summer internship, but isn’t sure how to approach him. He considers the effect of the various elements of communication on the out- come as he contemplates his communication choices. See how his choices play out in the video, “Ryan Asks for a Recommendation” (www.mycommunicationlab.com).

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Why read this chapter?

Because you’ll learn about: n the benefits you’ll derive from studying interpersonal communication. n what interpersonal communication is and how it works.

Because you’ll learn to: n communicate with a clear understanding of the elements of interpersonal

communication. n communicate with an understanding of the principles of interpersonal

communication.

This chapter introduces the study of interpersonal communication and explains why interpersonal communication is so important. The chapter examines the nature of this unique form of communication, its elements, and its principles.

Why Study Interpersonal Communication Fair questions to ask at the beginning of this text and this course are “What will I get out of this?” and “Why should I study interpersonal communication?” One very clear answer is given by the importance of interpersonal communication: it’s a major part of human existence that every educated person needs to understand. Much as you need to understand history, sci- ence, geography, and mathematics, for example, you need to understand how people interact (how people communicate interpersonally)—whether face-to-face or online.

You’ll find answers to these questions throughout this course and this text; you’ll recognize the situations dis- cussed and the skills suggested as crucial to your personal and social as well as professional success.

Personal and Social Success Your personal success and happiness depend largely on your effectiveness as an interpersonal communicator. Close friendships and romantic relationships are made, main- tained, and sometimes destroyed largely through your inter- personal interactions. Likewise, the success of your family relationships depends heavily on the interpersonal commu- nication among members. For example, in a survey of 1,001 people over 18 years of age, 53 percent felt that a lack of effective communication was the major cause of marriage failure—significantly greater than money (38 percent) and in-law interference (14 percent) (How Americans Commu- nicate, 1999).

Likewise, your social success in interacting with neighbors, acquaintances, and people you meet every day depend on your ability to engage in satisfying conversation—conversation that’s comfortable and enjoyable.

VIEWPOINTS One study found that 80 percent of young adult women consider a spouse who can communicate his feelings more desirable than a man who earns a good living (www.gallup.com). How important, compared to all the other factors you might take into consideration in choosing a partner, is the ability to communicate? What specific communication skills would you consider “extremely important” in a life partner?

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication4

Professional Success The ability to communicate interpersonally is widely recognized as crucial to professional success (Morreale & Pearson, 2008). From the initial interview at a college job fair to interning to participating and then leading meetings, your skills at interpersonal communication will largely determine your success.

One study, for example, found that among the 23 attributes ranked as “very important” in hiring decisions, “communication and interpersonal skills” was at the top of the list, noted by 89 percent of the recruiters. This was a far higher percentage of recruiters than noted “con-

tent of the core curriculum” (34 percent), or “overall value for the money invested in the recruiting effort” (33 percent) (Alsop, 2004). Interper- sonal skills offer a “key career advantage for finance professionals in the next century” (Messmer, 1999), play an important role in prevent- ing workplace violence (Parker, 2004), reduce medical mishaps, and im- prove doctor–patient communication (Smith, 2004; Sutcliffe, Lewton, & Rosenthal, 2004), and are one of six areas that define the professional competence of physicians and trainees (Epstein & Hundert, 2002). In a survey of employers who were asked what colleges should place more emphasis on, 89 percent identified “the ability to effectively communicate orally and in writing” the highest of any skills listed (Hart, 2010). And, in

that same survey, the largest number of employers (84 percent), when asked what would prepare college students for success, identified “communication skills.” The impor- tance of interpersonal communication skills extends over the entire spectrum of professions.

Clearly, interpersonal skills are vital to success. Understanding the theory and research in interpersonal communication and mastering its skills go hand in hand (Greene & Burleson,

2003). The more you know about interpersonal communication, the more insight and knowledge you’ll gain about what works and what doesn’t work. The more skills you have within your arsenal of com- munication strategies, the greater your choices for communicating in any situation. In a nutshell, the greater your knowledge and the greater the number of communication choices at your disposal, the greater the likelihood that you’ll be successful in achieving your interpersonal goals. This concept of choice figures into many of the principles and skills dis- cussed throughout this book. You might even look at this textbook and your course as enlarging your interpersonal communication choices, giv- ing you a greater number of options than you had before your formal ex-

posure to the study of interpersonal communication. As a preface to an area of study that will be enlightening, exciting, and extremely practical, exam-

ine your assumptions about interpersonal communication by taking the accompanying self-test.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInts Throughout this book you’ll find marginal items labeled Interpersonal Choice Points. These items are designed to encourage you to apply the material discussed in the text to specific interpersonal situations by first analyzing your available choices and then making a communication decision.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInts Communicating an Image A new position is opening at work, and you want it. Your immediate supervisor will likely be the one to make the final decision. What are some of the things you can do to help secure this new position?

Respond to each of the following statements with T if you believe the statement is usually true or F if you believe the statement is usually false.

_____ 1. Good communicators are born, not made. _____ 2. The more you communicate, the better at it you will be. _____ 3. In your interpersonal communications, a good guide to follow is to be as open, empathic, and

supportive as you can be. _____ 4. The best guide to follow when communicating with people from other cultures is to ignore the

differences and treat the other person just as you’d treat members of your own culture.

What Do You Believe about Interpersonal Communication?Test Yourself

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 5

_____ 5. Fear of meeting new people is detrimental and must be eliminated. _____ 6. When there is conflict, your relationship is in trouble.

How Did You Do? As you probably figured out, all six statements are generally false. As you read this text, you’ll discover not only why these beliefs are false but also the trouble you can get into when you assume they’re true. For now, and in brief, here are some of the reasons each of the statements is generally false: (1) Effective communication is a learned skill; although some people are born brighter or more extroverted,

all can improve their abilities and become more effective communicators. (2) It’s not the amount of communication people engage in but the quality that matters; if you practice

bad habits, you’re more likely to grow less effective than more effective, so it’s important to learn and follow the principles of effectiveness (J. O. Greene, 2003; Greene & Burleson, 2003).

(3) Each interpersonal situation is unique, and therefore the type of communication appropriate in one situation may not be appropriate in another.

(4) This assumption will probably get you into considerable trouble, because people from different cultures will often attribute different meanings to a message; members of different cultures also follow different rules for what is and is not appropriate in interpersonal communication.

(5) Many people are nervous meeting new people, especially if these are people in authority; managing, not eliminating, the fear will enable you to become effective regardless of your current level of fear.

(6) All meaningful relationships experience conflict; relationships are not in trouble when there is conflict, though dealing with conflict ineffectively can often damage the relationship.

What Will You Do? This is perhaps, then, a good place to start practicing the critical thinking skill of questioning commonly held assumptions about interpersonal communication and about yourself as an interpersonal communicator. Consider, for example, what other beliefs you have about communication and about yourself as a communicator. How do these beliefs influence your communication?

The Nature of Interpersonal Communication Although this entire book is in a sense a definition of interpersonal communication, a working definition is useful at the start. Interpersonal communication is the verbal and nonverbal interaction between two (or sometimes more than two) interdependent people. This relatively simple definition implies a variety of characteristics to which we now turn.

Interpersonal Communication Involves Interdependent Individuals

Interpersonal communication is the communication that takes place between people who are in some way “connected.” Interpersonal communication would thus include what takes place between a son and his father, an employer and an employee, two sisters, a teacher and a student, two lovers, two friends, and so on. Although largely dyadic (two-person) in nature, interpersonal communication is often extended to include small intimate groups such as the family. Even within a family, however, the communication that takes place is often dyadic— mother to child, father to mother, daughter to son, and so on.

In much the same way that Facebook may have changed the definition of friendship (more on this in Chapter 10), it may also have changed the definition of interpersonal communication. Sending a message to your closest 15 friends who then respond to you and the others would be considered interpersonal communication by some theorists and not by others. Collective chats, on the other hand, would also be considered interpersonal communication.

Not only are the individuals simply “connected”—they are also interdependent: What one person does has an impact on the other person. The actions of one person have consequences for the other person. In a family, for example, a child’s trouble with the police will affect the parents, other siblings, extended family members, and perhaps friends and neighbors.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication6

Interpersonal Communication Is Inherently Relational Because of this interdependency, interpersonal communication is inevitably and essentially rela- tional in nature; interpersonal communication takes place within a relationship—it impacts the relationship, it defines the relationship.

The communication that takes place in a relationship is in part a function of that relation- ship. That is, the way you communicate is determined in great part by the kind of relationship that exists between you and the other person. You interact differently with your interpersonal communication instructor and your best friend; you interact with a sibling in ways very dif- ferent from the ways in which you interact with a neighbor, a work colleague, or a casual acquaintance. You interact on Facebook and Twitter in ways very different from the way you interact in a face-to-face situation.

But also notice that the way you communicate, the way you interact, will influence the kind of relationship you develop. If you interact with a person in friendly ways, you’re likely to develop a friendship. If you regularly exchange hateful and hurtful messages, you’re likely to develop an an- tagonistic relationship. If you regularly express respect and support for each other, a respectful and supportive relationship is likely to develop. This is surely one of the most obvious observations you can make about interpersonal communication. And yet, many people seem not to appreciate this very clear relationship between what they say and the relationships that develop (or deteriorate).

Interpersonal Communication Exists on a Continuum Interpersonal communication exists along a continuum (see Figure 1.1) that ranges from rela- tively impersonal to highly personal (Miller, 1978, 1990). At the impersonal end of the spectrum, you have simple conversation between people who really don’t know each other—the server and the customer, for example. At the highly personal end is the communication that takes place between people who are intimately interconnected—a father and son, two long-time lovers, or best friends, for example. A few characteristics distinguish the impersonal from the personal forms of communication. n Role versus personal information. Notice that in the impersonal example, the individu-

als are likely to respond to each other according to the roles they are currently playing; the server treats the customer not as a unique individual but as one of many customers. And the customer, in turn, acts towards the server not as a unique individual but as he or she would act with any server. The father and the son, however, react to each other as unique individuals. They act on the basis of personal information.

n Societal versus personal rules. Notice too that the server and the customer interact ac- cording to the rules of society governing the server–customer interaction. The father and the son, on the other hand, interact on the basis of personally established rules. The way they address each other, their touching behavior, and their degree of physical closeness, for example, are unique to them and are established by them rather than by society.

n Social versus personal messages. Still another difference is found in the messages ex- changed. The messages that the server and customer exchange, for example, are themselves

FIgure 1.1 An Interpersonal Continuum Here is one possible interper- sonal continuum. Other people would position the relationships differently. You may want to try constructing an interpersonal continuum of your own relationships.

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Serv er a

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Real e sta

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Doct or a

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Neig hbors

W ork

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agues

Casu al fr

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Longtim e lo

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Clo se

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fri ends

Impersonal Interpersonal Niece

s/n ephews a

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chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 7

impersonal; there is little personal information exchanged and there is little emotional con- tent in the messages they exchange. In the father–son example, however, the messages may run the entire range and may at times be highly personal with lots of personal information and lots of emotion.

Table 1.1 offers a brief comparison and summary of impersonal and interpersonal communication.

Interpersonal Communication Involves Verbal and Nonverbal Messages

Interpersonal interaction involves the exchange of both verbal and nonver- bal messages. The words you use as well as your facial expressions, your eye contact, and your body posture—in face-to-face interaction—and your online text, photos, and videos send interpersonal messages. Likewise, you receive interpersonal messages through all your senses—hearing, vision, smell, and touch. Even silence sends interpersonal messages. These messages, as you’ll see throughout this course, will vary greatly depending on the other factors involved in the interaction. You don’t talk to a best friend in the same way you talk to your college professor or your parents.

One of the great myths in communication is that nonverbal communi- cation accounts for more than 90 percent of the meaning of any message. Actually, it depends. In some situations the nonverbal signals will indeed carry more of your meaning than the words you use, perhaps in express- ing strong emotions. In other situations, however, the verbal signals will communicate more information, as when, for example, you talk about accounting or science. Most often, of course, they work together.

Interpersonal Communication Takes Place in Varied Forms

Interpersonal communication often takes place face-to-face, as when we talk with other students before class, interact with family or friends

VIEWPOINTS Blogs and social networking websites are among the chief means by which people express themselves interpersonally but also to a broader audience. How would you com- pare the typical blog post and the typical social networking post in terms of the five purposes of interpersonal communication identified here? How would you compare their purposes in terms of content and relationship?

Impersonal and Interpersonal CommunicationTablE 1.1

Impersonal Communication Interpersonal Communication

Social role information: you interact largely on the basis of the social roles you occupy—for example, server and cus- tomer, cab driver and passenger.

Personal information: you interact largely on the basis of personal roles—for example, friends, lovers, parents and chil- dren, cousins.

Social rules: you interact according to the social rules defin- ing your interaction; for example, as a server, you would greet the customers, hand them menus, and ask if there was any- thing else you could do.

Personal rules: you interact according to the personal rules you both have established rather than to any written rules set down by society; for example, the mother and daughter fol- low the rules they themselves have established over the years.

Social messages: you exchange messages in a narrow range of topics—you talk to the server about food and service, not about your parents' divorce—with little emotion and little self-disclosure.

Personal messages: you exchange messages in a broad range of topics—you talk about food and also about your parents' divorce—with much emotion and self-disclosure.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication8

over dinner, or trade secrets with intimates. And, interpersonal communication often takes place over some kind of computer network, through texting, e-mailing, posting to Facebook, phoning, and tweeting. Some of these forms are synchronous; they allow you to communicate in real time; the messages are sent and received at the same time as in face- to-face and phone messages. Other forms are largely asynchronous; they do not take place in real time. For example, you might poke someone on Facebook today who may not see it until tomorrow and may not poke you back until the next day. Similarly, you might find a tweet or a blog post today that was actually written weeks or even years ago. Table 1.2 identifies some of the major similarities and differences between face-to-face and online communication.

Interpersonal Communication Involves Choices The interpersonal messages that you communicate are the result of choices you make. Many times we don’t think of what we say or don’t say as involving a choice—it seems so automatic that we don’t think of it as under our conscious control. At other times, the notion of choice is paramount in our minds—do you admit your love openly and if so where and when do you do

it? What do you say when you face the job interviewer? Part of the purpose of this text is to present you with a wide variety of interpersonal communication choices and the reasons why, in some situations, some choices work better than others.

Look at it this way: Throughout your interpersonal life and in each interper- sonal interaction, you’re presented with choice points—moments when you have to make a choice as to who you communicate with, what you say, what you don’t say, how you phrase what you want to say, and so on. This course and this text aim to give you reasons (grounded in communication theory and research discussed throughout the text and highlighted in the Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research boxes) for the varied choices you’ll be called upon to make in your interpersonal interactions. The course and text also aim to give you the skills you’ll need to execute these well-reasoned choices (many of which are written into the text and some of which are highlighted in the Understanding Interpersonal Skills boxes).

Elements of Interpersonal Communication The model presented in Figure 1.2 (see p. 11) is designed to reflect the circular nature of interpersonal communication; both persons send messages simultaneously rather than in a linear sequence where communication goes from person 1 to person 2 to person 1 to person 2 and on and on. Each of the concepts identified in the model and discussed here may be thought of as a universal of interpersonal communication, in that it is present in all interper- sonal interactions: (1) source–receiver, (2) encoding–decoding, (3) messages (and the meta- messages of feedback and feedforward), (4) channels, (5) noise, (6) contexts, and—though not indicated in the diagram but an overriding consideration in all interpersonal communi- cation, (7) ethics.

Source–Receiver Interpersonal communication involves at least two people. Each individual performs source functions ( formulates and sends messages) and also performs receiver functions (perceives and comprehends messages). The term source–receiver emphasizes that both functions are performed by each individual in interpersonal communication.

Who you are, what you know, what you believe, what you value, what you want, what you have been told, and what your attitudes are all influence what you say, how you say it, what

When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that in itself is a choice. —William James

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 9

messages you receive, and how you receive them. Likewise, the person you’re speaking to and the knowledge that you think that person has will greatly influence your interpersonal mes- sages (Lau, Chiu, & Hong, 2001). Each person is unique; each person’s communications are unique.

Face-to-Face and Computer-Mediated CommunicationTablE 1.2

Throughout this text, face-to-face and computer-mediated communication are discussed, compared, and contrasted. Here is a brief summary of just some communication concepts and some of the ways in which these two forms of communication are similar and different.

Human Communication element

Face-to-Face Communication

Computer-Mediated Communication

Sender  Presentation of self and

impression management

 Speaking turn

 Personal characteristics (sex, approximate age, race, etc.) are open to visual inspection; receiver controls the order of what is attended to; disguise is difficult.

 You compete for the speaker's turn and time with the other person(s); you can be interrupted.

 Personal characteristics are hidden and are revealed when you want to reveal them; anonymity is easy.

 It's always your turn; speaker time is unlimited; you can't be interrupted.

Receiver  Number

 Opportunity for interaction

 Third parties

 Impression formation

 One or a few who are in your visual field.

 Limited to those who have the oppor- tunity to meet; often difficult to find people who share your interests.

 Messages can be overheard by or repeated to third parties but not with complete accuracy.

 Impressions are based on the verbal and nonverbal cues the receiver perceives.

 Virtually unlimited.

 Unlimited.

 Messages can be retrieved by others or forwarded verbatim to a third party or to thousands.

 Impressions are based on text messages and posted photos and videos.

Context  Physical

 Temporal

 Essentially the same physical space.

 Communication is synchronous; messages are exchanged at the same (real) time.

 Can be in the next cubicle or separated by miles.

 Communication may be synchro- nous (as in chat rooms) or asynchro- nous (where messages are exchanged at different times, as in e-mail).

Channel  All senses participate in sending

and receiving messages.  Visual (for text, photos, and videos)

and auditory.

Message  Verbal and nonverbal

 Permanence

 Words, gestures, eye contact, accent, vocal cues, spatial relation- ships, touching, clothing, hair, etc.

 Temporary unless recorded; speech signals fade rapidly.

 Words, photos, videos, and audio messages.

 Messages are relatively permanent.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication10

Your ability to communicate effectively (as source and re- ceiver) is your interpersonal competence (Spitzberg & Cupach, 1989; Wilson & Sabee, 2003). Your competence includes, for ex- ample, the knowledge that in certain contexts and with certain listeners one topic is appropriate and another isn’t. Your knowl- edge about the rules of nonverbal behavior—for example, the appropriateness of touching, vocal volume, and physical close- ness—is also part of your competence. In short, interpersonal competence includes knowing how to adjust your communica- tion according to the context of the interaction, the person with whom you’re interacting, and a host of other factors discussed throughout this text.

You learn communication competence much as you learn to eat with a knife and fork—by observing others, by explicit instruction, and by trial and error. Some individuals learn bet- ter than others, though, and these are generally the people with whom you find it interesting and comfortable to talk. They seem to know what to say and how and when to say it.

Not surprisingly, there’s a positive relationship between interpersonal competence on the one hand and success in college and job satisfaction on the other (Rubin & Graham, 1988; Wertz, Sorenson, & Heeren, 1988). So much of college and professional life depends on interpersonal competence— meeting and interacting with other students, teachers, or colleagues; asking and answering questions; presenting

FIgure 1.2 A Model of Interpersonal Communication After you read the section on the elements of interpersonal communi- cation, you may wish to construct your own model of the process. In constructing this model, be careful that you don’t fall into the trap of visualizing interpersonal communi- cation as a linear or simple left-to- right, static process. Remember that all elements are interrelated and inter-dependent. After completing your model, consider, for example: (1) Could your model also serve as a model of intrapersonal communica- tion? A model of small group, public, or mass communication? (2) What elements or concepts other than those noted here might be added to the model?

Messages Context

Feedback

Feedback

Messages

Noise

Channels [Feedforward]

[Feedforward] Channels

Source/ Receiver Source/ Receiver

Encoding/ Decoding Encoding/ Decoding

Source/ Receiver Source/ Receiver

Encoding/ Decoding Encoding/ Decoding

VIEWPOINTS What characters in television sitcoms or dramas do you think demonstrate superior interpersonal competence? What characters demonstrate obvious inter- personal incompetence?

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 11

Working with Interpersonal Skills

Reflect on your own tenden- cies to communicate mind- lessly and mindfully. Do you regularly examine your choices, before you send your message? In which situations are you more apt to communi- cate mindlessly? For example, when compared to face-to- face communication, are you more or less mindful when communicating on Facebook, Twitter, or other social networking sites? If there is a difference, why do you suppose it exists? Do you communicate mindfully with certain people and mindlessly with others?

Understanding Interpersonal Skills MInDFulneSS

Mindfulness is a state of mental awareness; in a mindful state you’re conscious of your reasons for thinking or communicating in a particular way. And, especially important in interpersonal communication, you become aware of your choices. You act with an awareness of your available choices. Its opposite, mindlessness, is a lack of conscious awareness of your thinking or communicating (Langer, 1989). To apply interpersonal skills appropriately and effectively, you need to be mindful of the unique communica- tion situation you’re in, of your available communication options or choices, and of the reasons why one option is likely to prove better than the others (Burgoon, Berger, & Waldron, 2000; Elmes & Gemmill, 1990; Langer, 1989). You can look at this textbook and this course in interpersonal communication as means of awakening your mindful- ness about the way you engage in interpersonal communication. After you complete this course and this text, you should be much more mindful about all your interper- sonal interactions, which will prove beneficial in all your interpersonal interactions (Carson, Carson, Gil, & Baucom, 2004; Sagula & Rice, 2004).

Increasing Mindfulness. To increase mindfulness in general, try the following suggestions (Langer, 1989).

n Create and recreate categories. Learn to see objects, events, and people as belong- ing to a wide variety of categories. Try to see, for example, your prospective roman- tic partner in a variety of roles—child, parent, employee, neighbor, friend, financial contributor, and so on. Avoid storing in memory an image of a person with only one specific label; if you do, you’ll find it difficult to recategorize the person later.

n Be open to new information and points of view, even when these contradict your most firmly held stereotypes. New information forces you to reconsider what might be outmoded ways of thinking. New information can help you challenge long-held but now inappropriate beliefs and attitudes. Be willing to see your own and others’ behaviors from a variety of viewpoints—especially from the perspective of people very different from yourself.

n Beware of relying too heavily on first impressions (Chanowitz & Langer, 1981; Langer, 1989). Treat your first impressions as tentative—as hypotheses that need further inves- tigation. Be prepared to revise, reject, or accept these initial impressions.

In addition, consider a few suggestions specific to communication. Ask yourself these questions (Burgoon, Berger, & Waldron, 2000).

n Can the message be misinterpreted? What can you do to make sure it’s interpreted correctly? For example, you can paraphrase or restate the message in different ways or you can ask the person to paraphrase.

n When there’s a continuous communication pattern—as there is in an escalating conflict in which each person brings up past relationship injustices—ask yourself if this pattern is productive and, if not, what you can do to change it. For example, you can refuse to respond in kind and thereby break the cycle.

n Remind yourself of what you already know about a situation, recall that all communi- cation situations are different, and ask yourself how you can best adapt your messages to this unique situation. For example, you may want to be especially positive to a friend who is depressed but not so positive to someone who betrayed a confidence.

n Think before you act. Especially in delicate situations (for example, when expressing anger or when conveying commitment messages), it’s wise to pause and think over the situation mindfully (DeVito, 2003b). In this way you’ll stand a better chance of acting and reacting appropriately.

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information or argument—that you should not find this connection surprising. Interper- sonal competence also enables you to develop and maintain meaningful relationships in friendship, love, family, and work. Such relationships, in turn, contribute to the lower levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness observed in interpersonally competent people (Spitz- berg & Cupach, 1989).

Encoding–Decoding Encoding refers to the act of producing messages—for example, speaking or writing. Decod- ing is the reverse and refers to the act of understanding messages—for example, listening or reading. By sending your ideas via sound waves (in the case of speech) or light waves (in the case of writing), you’re putting these ideas into a code, hence encoding. By translating sound or light waves into ideas, you’re taking them out of a code, hence decoding. Thus, speakers and writers are called encoders, and listeners and readers are called decoders. The term encoding– decoding is used to emphasize that the two activities are performed in combination by each participant. For interpersonal communication to occur, messages must be encoded and de- coded. For example, when a parent talks to a child whose eyes are closed and whose ears are covered by stereo headphones, interpersonal communication does not occur because the messages sent are not being received.

Messages Messages are signals that serve as stimuli for a receiver and are received by one of our senses— auditory (hearing), visual (seeing), tactile (touching), olfactory (smelling), gustatory (tasting), or any combination of these senses. You communicate interpersonally by gesture and touch as well as by words and sentences. The clothes you wear communicate to others and, in fact, to yourself as well. The way you walk communicates, as does the way you shake hands, tilt your head, comb your hair, sit, smile, or frown. Similarly, the colors and types of cell phones, the wallpaper and screen savers on your computer, and even the type and power of your com- puter communicate messages about you. The photo and background theme you choose for your Twitter page reveals something about yourself beyond what your actual tweets reveal. Tweeters with the generic white bird photo and standard background communicate some- thing quite different from the Tweeters who customize their pages with clever photos, original backgrounds, and sidebars. The same is true of Facebook pages. All of these signals are your interpersonal communication messages.

Interpersonal communication can take place by phone, through prison cell walls, through webcams, or face-to-face. Increasingly, it’s taking place through computers, through Facebook and Twitter.

Messages may be intentional or unintentional. They may result from the most carefully planned strategy as well as from the unintentional slip of the tongue, lingering body odor, or nervous twitch.

Messages may refer to the world, people, and events as well as to other messages (DeVito, 2003a). Messages that are about other messages are called metamessages and represent many of your everyday communications; they include, for example, “Do you understand?” “Did I say that right?” “What did you say?” “Is it fair to say that . . .?” “I want to be honest,” “That’s not logical.” Two particularly important types of metamessages are feedback and feedforward.

Feedback Messages Throughout the interpersonal communication process, you ex- change feedback—messages sent back to the speaker concerning reactions to what is said (Clement & Frandsen, 1976). Feedback tells the speaker what effect she or he is having on listeners. On the basis of this feedback, the speaker may adjust, modify, strengthen, deempha- size, or change the content or form of the messages.

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Feedback may come from yourself or from others. When you send a message—say, in speaking to another person—you also hear yourself. That is, you get feedback from your own messages: You hear what you say, you feel the way you move, you see what you write. In addition to this self-feedback, you get feedback from others. This feedback can take many forms. A frown or a smile, a yea or a nay, a pat on the back or a punch in the mouth are all types of feedback. Sometimes feedback is easy to identify, but sometimes it isn’t (Skinner, 2002). Part of the art of effective communication is to discern feedback and adjust your messages on the basis of that feedback.

Feedforward Messages Feedforward is information you provide before sending your primary message (Rich- ards, 1951). Feedforward reveals something about the mes- sage to come. Examples of feedforward include the preface or table of contents of a book, the opening paragraph of a chapter or post, movie previews, magazine covers, e-mail subject headings, and introductions in public speeches. Feedforward may serve a variety of functions. For example, you might use feedforward to express your wish to chat a bit, saying something like “Hey, I haven’t seen you the entire week; what’s been going on?” Or you might give a brief pre- view of your main message by saying something like “You’d better sit down for this; you’re going to be shocked.” Or you might ask others to hear you out before they judge you. The varied functions of feedforward are spelled out in greater detail in Chapter 8 (pp. 200–201).

Channel The communication channel is the medium through which messages pass. It’s a kind of bridge connecting source and receiver. Communication rarely takes place over only one channel; two, three, or four channels are often used simultaneously. For example, in face-to- face interaction, you speak and listen (vocal–auditory channel), but you also gesture and receive signals visually (gestural–visual channel), and you emit odors and smell those of oth- ers (chemical–olfactory channel). Often you communicate through touch (cutaneous–tactile channel). When you communicate online, you often send photo, audio, or video files in the same message or, in the case of Twitter, links to these additional files. In most situations, a variety of channels are involved.

Another way to think about channels is to consider them as the means of communi- cation: for example, face-to-face contact, telephone, e-mail and snail mail, Twitter, instant messaging, news postings, Facebook, film, television, radio, smoke signals, or fax—to name only some.

Note that the channel imposes different restrictions on your mes- sage construction. For example, in e-mail you can pause to think of the right word or phrase, you can go on for as short or as long a time as you want without any threat of interruption or contradiction, and you can edit your message with ease. In face-to-face communication your pauses need to be relatively short. You don’t have the time to select just the right word or to edit, though we do edit a bit when we review what we said and put it in different words.

At times, the channel is physiologically damaged. For example, for indi- viduals with visual difficulties, the visual channel is impaired, so adjustments

VIEWPOINTS The “feedback theory of relationships” holds that satisfying friendships, romantic relationships, or workplace relationships may be characterized by feedback that is positive, person-focused, immediate, low in monitoring, and supportive— and that unsatisfying relationships are characterized by feedback that is negative, self-focused, non-immediate, high in monitoring, and critical. How effective is this theory in explaining relationships with which you’re familiar?

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Channels You want to ask someone for a date and are considering how you might go about this. What are your choices among channels? Which channel would be the most effective? Which channel would provoke the least anxiety?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication14

have to be made. Table 1.3 gives you an idea of how such adjustments can make interpersonal communication between persons with and without visual impairment more effective.

Noise Technically, noise is anything that distorts a message—anything that prevents the receiver from receiving the message. At one extreme, noise may prevent a message from getting from source to receiver. A roaring noise or line static can easily prevent entire messages from getting through to your telephone receiver. At the other extreme, with virtually no noise interference, the message of the source and the message received are almost identical. Most often, however, noise distorts some portion of the message a source sends as it travels to a receiver.

Four types of noise are especially relevant. It’s important to identify these types of noise and, when possible, to reduce their effects. n Physical noise is interference that is external to both speaker and listener; it impedes the

physical transmission of the signal or message. Examples include the screeching of passing cars, the hum of a computer, sunglasses, extraneous messages, illegible handwriting, blurred type or fonts that are too small or difficult to read, misspellings and poor grammar, and pop-up ads. Still another type of physical noise is extraneous information that makes what you want to find more difficult, for example, spam or too many photos on Facebook.

n Physiological noise is created by barriers within the sender or receiver, such as visual impairments, hearing loss, articulation problems, and memory loss.

n Psychological noise is mental interference in speaker or listener and includes preconceived ideas, wandering thoughts, biases and prejudices, closed-mindedness, and extreme emo- tionalism. You’re likely to run into psychological noise when you talk with someone who is closed-minded or who refuses to listen to anything he or she doesn’t already believe.

n Semantic noise is interference that occurs when the speaker and listener have different meaning systems; examples include language or dialectical differences, the use of jargon or overly complex terms, and ambiguous or overly abstract terms whose meanings can be easily misinterpreted. You see this type of noise regularly in the medical doctor who uses “medicalese” without explanation or in the insurance salesperson who speaks in the jargon of the insurance industry.

As you can see from these examples, noise is anything that hinders your receiving the mes- sages of others or their receiving your messages.

A useful concept in understanding noise and its importance in communication is signal-to- noise ratio. In this term the word signal refers to information that you’d find useful, and noise refers to information that is useless (to you). So, for example, a blog post that contains lots of useful information would be high on signal and low on noise; messages that contain lots of use- less information (spam is probably the best example) would be high on noise and low on signal.

All communications contain noise. Noise cannot be totally eliminated, but its effects can be reduced. Making your language more precise, sharpening your skills for sending and re-

ceiving nonverbal messages, and improving your listening and feedback skills are some ways to combat the influence of noise.

Context Communication always takes place in a context, or environment, that influences the form and content of your messages. At times this con- text isn’t obvious or intrusive; it seems so natural that it’s ignored—like background music. At other times the context dominates, and the ways in

which it restricts or stimulates your messages are obvious. Compare, for example, the dif- ferences among communicating in a funeral home, football stadium, formal restaurant, and a rock concert. The context of communication has at least four dimensions, all of which interact with and influence each other.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Noise Reduction Looking around your classroom (or your room, if you’re taking the course online), what are some of the things you can do to reduce physical noise?

Noise of a somewhat different type is discussed in “The Chain Letter as Dysfunctional Communication” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. What’s your opinion of the chain letter? Are there some chain letters that you view more positively than others?

Throughout the text you’ll find invitations to visit The Communica- tion Blog (tcbdevito.blogspot.com) for additional coverage of a topic and relevant websites. Comment as you wish and read the comments of others.

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 15

Interpersonal CoMMunICatIon tIps Between people with and people without Visual ImpairmentsTablE 1.3

People vary greatly in their visual abilities: some are totally blind, some are partially sighted, and some have unimpaired vision. Ninety percent of people who are “legally blind” have some vision. All people, however, have the same need for communication and information. Here are some tips for making communication better between those who have visual impairments and those without such difficulties. Other “Tips” tables focus on general disabilities (Chapter 2), hearing loss (Chapter 4), and speech and language disorders (Chapter 8).

Sources: These suggestions were drawn from a variety of sources: www.cincyblind.org, www.abwa.asn.au/, www.mass.gov, www.ndmig.com, and www.batchelor.edu.au/disability/communication.

If you're the person without visual impairment and are talking with a visually impaired person:

Generally Specifically

Identify yourself. Don’t assume the visually impaired person will recognize your voice.

Face your listener; you'll be easier to hear. Don’t shout. Most people who are visually impaired are not hearing impaired. Speak at your normal volume.

Encode into speech all the meanings you wish to commu- nicate.

Remember that your gestures, eye movements, and facial expressions cannot be seen by the visually impaired.

Use audible turn-taking cues. When you pass the role of speaker to a person who is visually impaired, don’t rely on nonverbal cues; instead, say something like “Do you agree with that, Joe?”

Use normal vocabulary and discuss topics that you would discuss with sighted people.

Don't avoid terms like “see” or “look” or even “blind.” Don’t avoid discussing a television show or the way your new car looks; these are normal topics for all people.

If you are a person with visual impairment and are talking with a person without visual impairment:

Help the sighted person meet your special communication needs.

If you want your surroundings described, ask. If you want the person to read the road signs, ask.

Be patient with the sighted person. Many people are nervous talking with people who are visually impaired for fear of offending. Put them at ease in a way that also makes you more comfortable.

Demonstrate your comfort. When appropriate, let the other person know that you’re comfortable with the interaction, verbally or nonverbally.

Louis Braille Helen Keller as a young child portrayed in the film, The Miracle Worker

Ray Charles David Paterson, former governor of New York

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication16

Physical Dimension The physical dimension is the tangible or concrete environment in which communication takes place—the room, hallway, or park; the boardroom or the family dinner table. The size of the space, its temperature, and the number of people present in the

physical space would also be part of the physical dimen- sion. In print media such as magazines or newspapers, con- text includes the positioning of stories and news articles; an article on page 37 is identified as less important than an article on page 1 or 2. Twitter’s restriction of messages to 140 characters or fewer is an especially good example of the physical dimension influencing the message; Twitter re- quires you to abbreviate your message, while having coffee at Starbucks seems to encourage the opposite.

Temporal Dimension The temporal dimension has to do not only with the time of day and moment in history but also with where a particular message fits into the sequence of communication events. For example, a joke about illness told immediately after the disclosure of a friend’s sickness will be received differently than the same joke told in response to a series of similar jokes. Also, some channels ( for example, face- to-face, chat rooms, and instant messaging) allow for syn- chronous communication in which messages are sent and received simultaneously. Other channels ( for example, letter writing, e-mail, and social networking postings) are asynchro- nous; messages are sent and received at different times.

Social–Psychological Dimension The social–psy- chological dimension includes, for example, status relation- ships among the participants, roles and games that people play, norms of the society or group, and the friendliness, formality, or gravity of the situation. Social networks such as Facebook and Myspace are informal and largely-for-fun communication; LinkedIn and Plaxo, on the other hand, are primarily for serious business-oriented communication.

Cultural Dimension The cultural context (discussed more fully in Chapter 2) includes the cultural beliefs and

customs of the people communicating. When you interact with people from different cul- tures, you may each follow different rules of communication. This can result in confusion, unintentional insult, inaccurate judgments, and a host of other miscommunications. Simi- larly, communication strategies or techniques that prove satisfying to members of one cul- ture may prove disturbing or offensive to members of another. In fact, research shows that you lose more information in an intercultural situation (approximately 50 percent) than in an intracultural situation (approximately 25 percent) (Li, 1999).

Ethics Because communication has consequences, interpersonal communication also in- volves ethics; each communication act has a moral dimension, a rightness or wrongness (Tompkins, 2011; Neher & Sandin, 2007). Communication choices need to be guided by ethical considerations as well as by concerns with effectiveness and satisfaction. Some research finds important cross-cultural similarities in this regard; for example, it’s been proposed that there are certain universal ethical principles that are held by all cultures, such as that you should tell the truth, have respect for another’s dignity, and not harm the innocent (Christians & Traber, 1997). Ethics is therefore included as a foundation concept of interpersonal communication and is presented in this text in the Ethics in Interpersonal Communication boxes in each chapter. These boxes cover issues such as whether the ends justify the means, the ethical obligations of speakers and listeners, lying, gossip, and unethical speech.

VIEWPOINTS In a class discussion of ethics, your instructor presents the following possible ethical guidelines: (1) Behavior is ethical when you feel in your heart that you’re doing the right thing, (2) Behavior is ethical when it is consistent with your reli- gious beliefs, (3) Behavior is ethical when it’s legal within society, (4) Behavior is ethical when the majority of people would con- sider it ethical, and (5) Behavior is ethical when the end result is in the interest of the majority. How would you respond to these guidelines? Would you accept any as an accurate statement of what constitutes ethical behavior? Would you reject any? Why?

For a self-test on what is and what is not ethical, see “ABCD: Ethics” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. Add your own comments.

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 17

In thinking about these ethical issues, we may take an objective or a subjective view of ethics. An objective view argues that morality is absolute and exists apart from the values or beliefs of any individual or culture: The same standards apply to all people in all situations at all times. In this view, if lying, false advertising, using illegally obtained evidence, or revealing secrets is unethical, then any such behavior is unethical regardless of the circumstances sur- rounding it or the context in which it occurs. In a strict objective view, the end doesn’t justify the means; you cannot justify an unethical act regardless of how good or beneficial its results (or ends) might be.

A subjective view argues that what is or is not ethical depends on the culture’s values and beliefs as well as the particular circumstances. Thus, a subjective position would claim that lying may be wrong to win votes or sell cigarettes, but that white lies may be quite ethical if their purpose is to make someone feel better and if the deceptions do no harm.

Principles of Interpersonal Communication Now that the nature of interpersonal communication and its elements are clear, we can explore some of the more specific axioms or principles that are common to all or most interpersonal encounters. These axioms are largely the work of the transactional researchers Paul Watzla- wick, Janet Helmick Beavin, and Don D. Jackson, presented in their landmark Pragmatics of Human Communication (1967; Watzlawick 1977, 1978).

Interpersonal Communication Is a Transactional Process A transactional perspective views interpersonal communication as (1) a process with (2) elements that are interdependent. Figure 1.3 (p. 18) visually explains this transactional view and distinguishes it from two earlier views of how interpersonal communication works.

Interpersonal Communication Is a Process Interpersonal communication is best viewed as an ever-changing, circular process. Everything involved in interpersonal communi- cation is in a state of flux: You’re changing, the people you communicate with are changing, and your environment is changing. Sometimes these changes go unnoticed and sometimes they intrude in obvious ways, but they’re always occurring.

n What obligations do you have to keep a secret? Can you identify situations in which it would be unethical not to reveal information you promised to keep secret? See Ethics box, Chapter 8.

n What are your ethical obligations as a listener? See Ethics box, Chapter 4. n Are ethical principles objective or subjective? For example, if lying is unethical, is it

unethical in all situations? Or would your answer depend on the circumstances? See Ethics box, Chapter 5.

n What are your ethical obligations to reveal personal information to a relationship partner? See Ethics box, Chapter 9.

n Are there ethical and unethical ways to engage in conflict and conflict resolution? See Ethics box, Chapter 12.

These are just a few of the ethical issues raised in these boxes. As you read these ques- tions, think about your own ethical beliefs and how these beliefs influence the way you’d answer the questions.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication etHICAl QueStIonS EthICal ChoICE PoInt

You’re ready to enter into a permanent romantic relation- ship and are being pressured to talk about yourself. What can you do ethically to avoid revealing personal informa- tion that you just aren’t ready to talk about? What can you ethically keep hidden? What types of information are you ethically obligated to reveal?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication18

Figure 1.3 The Linear and Transactional Views of interpersonal Communication The top figure represents a linear view of communication in which the speaker speaks and the listener listens. The bottom figure represents a transactional view, the view favored by most communication theorists, in which each person serves simultane- ously as speaker and listener; at the same time that you send messages, you also receive messages from your own communications as well as from the reactions of the other person(s).

Linear View

Transactional View

Speaker/ Listener

Speaker/ Listener

Speaker Listener Speaker Listener

Working with Theories and research

Try working with theories in these three steps: (1) Select a theory that you have about some aspect of social networking communi- cation (Women have more friends on Facebook than men; or The more time spent on computer-mediated communication, the less time spent on face-to-face communica- tion; or any belief you have about social networking); (2) examine the various data bases for research on your question; (3) draw a conclusion, an answer to your research question. This would be the general plan for researching what is already known.

If you discovered that there is no research that will answer your question, then your third step would be to develop a research plan for testing your theory (for example, you might examine the Facebook pages of men and women for the number of friends listed or you might develop a questionnaire that asks about time spent on various communi- cation activities). In Step 4 you would execute the plan. And, in Step 5 you would draw your conclusions or answer your research question.

A theory is a generalization that explains how something works—for example, gravity, blood clotting, interpersonal attraction, or communi- cation. Academic writers usually reserve the term theory to refer to a well-established system of knowledge about how things work or how things are related that is supported by research findings. Research is a systematic process of discovering an answer (or answers) to a question (in scientific terms, an hypothesis). Through research, theories are de- veloped, refined, and, in some cases, discarded. The theories and research you’ll encounter in this book explain how communication works—for example, how you accommodate your speaking style to your listeners, how communication works when rela- tionships deteriorate, or how and why people disclose their normally hidden selves. Despite their many values, however, theories don’t reveal truth in any absolute sense. Rather, theories reveal some degree of accuracy, some degree of truth. In the natural sciences (such as physics and chem- istry), theories are extremely high in accuracy. In the social and behav- ioral sciences (such as communication, sociology, and psychology), the theories are far less accurate in describing or in predicting how things work. Nevertheless, theories provide enormous insights into the world of interpersonal communication and interpersonal relationships. Not surprisingly, interpersonal communication theories often have practical implications for developing your own skills. For example, theo- ries of interpersonal attraction offer practical insight into how to make yourself more attractive to others; theories of nonverbal communica- tion will help you use and decipher nonverbal behaviors more accu- rately. The more you know about the theories and research explaining how communication works, the more likely you’ll be able to use them to build your own interpersonal communication skills.

Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research CommuniCaTion Theories and researCh

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 19

One person’s message serves as the stimulus for another’s message, which serves as a stim- ulus for the first person’s message, and so on. Throughout this circular process, each person serves simultaneously as a speaker and a listener, an actor and a reactor. Interpersonal com- munication is a mutually interactive process.

Elements are Interdependent In interpersonal communication, not only are the indi- viduals interdependent, as noted earlier, but the varied elements of communication also are interdependent. Each element—each part—of interpersonal communication is intimately connected to the other parts and to the whole. For example, there can be no source without a receiver; there can be no message without a source; there can be no feedback without a re- ceiver. Because of interdependency, a change in any one element causes changes in the others. For example, you’re talking with a group of fellow students about a recent examination, and your teacher joins the group. This change in participants will lead to other changes—perhaps in the content of what you say, perhaps in the manner in which you express it. But regardless of what change is introduced, other changes result.

Interpersonal Communication Is Purposeful The interpersonal communication act is purposeful; each interpersonal interaction has a purpose or, more often, a combination of purposes. Five such purposes can be identified: to learn, to relate, to influence, to play, and to help.

To learn Interpersonal communication enables you to learn, to better understand the exter- nal world—the world of objects, events, and other people. When you read the tweets from your followers, you’re learning about them but also about the world they live in—whether it’s down the road or across an ocean. Although a great deal of information comes from the media, you proba- bly discuss and ultimately learn or internalize information through interpersonal interactions. In fact, your beliefs, attitudes, and values are probably influenced more by interpersonal encounters than by the media or even by formal education.

Most important, however, interpersonal communication helps you learn about yourself. By talking about yourself with others, you gain valuable feedback on your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Through these communications, you also learn how you appear to others—who likes you, who dislikes you, and why. This function, you’ll note, is written into the very fabric of Facebook, Twitter, and blogs, where comment- ing, recommending, and liking for a post can be indicated so easily.

To Relate Interpersonal communication helps you relate. You communicate your friendship or love through your inter- personal communication; at the same time, you react and respond to the friendship and love messages of others. When you poke someone on Facebook, you’re indicating your desire to relate to that person, to communicate with him or her. Such communication is at the heart of one of the greatest needs people have: to establish and maintain close relation- ships. You want to feel loved and liked, and in turn you want to love and like others. Such relationships help to alleviate loneliness and depression, enable you to share and heighten your pleasures, and generally make you feel more positive about yourself.

To Influence Very likely, you influence the attitudes and behaviors of others in your interpersonal encounters. You may

VIEWPOINTS How would you explain interpersonal commu- nication or interpersonal relationships in terms of metaphors, such as a seesaw, a ball game, a flower, ice skates, a microscope, a television sitcom, a work of art, a book, a rubber band, or a software program?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication20

wish others to vote a particular way, try a new diet, buy a new book, listen to a record, see a movie, take a specific course, think in a particular way, believe that something is true or false, or value some idea—the list is endless. A good deal of your time is probably spent in interper- sonal persuasion. Some researchers, in fact, would argue that all communication is persuasive and that all our communications seek some persuasive goal.

This influencing function is seen on social media sites in at least two different ways: (1) direct influence attempts (advertisements or friends urging you to sign up for a cause or to join a group) and (2) indirect influence attempts (reading that your friends have seen a particular movie and enjoyed it, or a news feed announcing that one of your friends has joined a cause or bought a ticket to a play or concert, or is signing up for a particular group or cause).

To Play Talking with friends about your weekend activities, discussing sports or dates, telling stories and jokes, tweeting, and posting a clever joke or photo on some social media site, and in general just passing the time are play functions. Far from frivolous, this extremely important purpose gives your activities a necessary balance and your mind a needed break from all the seriousness around you. In online communication, perhaps the most obvious forms of play are the interactive games in a real or virtual reality environment. In the process, interestingly enough, players develop useful skills such as the ability to take the perspective of another person (Tynes, 2007). And even certain forms of cyberflirting may be viewed as play (Whitty, 2003b).

To Help Therapists of various kinds serve a helping function professionally by offering guidance through interpersonal interaction. But everyone interacts to help in everyday encounters: You console a friend who has broken off a love affair, counsel another student about courses to take, or offer advice to a colleague about work. Social media websites such

as LinkedIn and Plaxo and even Facebook and Twitter are used extensively for securing the help of others and giving help to others. Success in accom- plishing this helping function, professionally or otherwise, depends on your knowledge and skill in interpersonal communication.

Interpersonal Communication Is ambiguous An ambiguous message is a message that can be interpreted as having more than one meaning. Sometimes ambiguity occurs because people use words that can be interpreted differently. Informal time language offers good examples; for example, soon, right away, in a minute, early, late, can easily be interpreted very differently by different people. The terms are ambiguous. A more inter- esting type of ambiguity is grammatical ambiguity. You can get a feel for this type of ambiguity by trying to paraphrase—rephrase in your own words—the following sentences: n What has the cat in its paws? n Visiting neighbors can be boring. n They are frying chickens.

Each of these ambiguous sentences can be interpreted and paraphrased in at least two different ways: n What monster has the cat in its paws? What is the cat holding in its paws? n To visit neighbors is boring. Neighbors who visit are boring. n Those people are frying chickens. Those chickens are for frying.

Although these examples are particularly striking—and are the work of linguists who analyze language—some degree of ambiguity exists in all inter- personal communication: All messages are ambiguous to some degree. When you express an idea you never communicate your meaning exactly and totally;

VIEWPOINTS How would you describe the optimum level of relationship ambiguity? For example, would you want to be certain about everything? Be kept in the dark about certain things?

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 21

rather, you communicate your meaning with some reasonable accuracy—enough to give the other person a reasonably clear idea of what you mean. Sometimes, of course, you’re less accu- rate than you anticipated. Perhaps your listener “gets the wrong idea” or “gets offended” when you only meant to be humorous, or the listener “misunderstands your emotional meaning.” Because of this inevitable uncertainty, you may qualify what you’re saying, give an example, or ask, “Do you know what I mean?” These additional explanations help the other person under- stand your meaning and reduce uncertainty (to some degree).

This quality of ambiguity makes it extremely important to resist jumping to conclu- sions about the motives of a speaker. For example, if someone doesn’t poke you back, it may mean that the person is not interested in communicating with you, or it may be a function of information overload or a lack of knowledge in how to poke back or being away from the computer. Similarly, if someone unfollows you on Twitter or defriends you on Facebook, it may simply be a mistake. Meaning, as we explain in Chapter 5 (p. 108), is in the person, not in the words or in the photos posted.

Similarly, all relationships contain uncertainty. Consider one of your own close interpersonal relationships and answer the follow- ing questions, using a six-point scale with “1” meaning that you are completely or almost completely uncertain about the answer and “6” meaning that you are completely or almost completely certain of the answer. n What can or can’t you say to each other in this relationship? n Do you and this person feel the same way about each other? n How would you and this person describe this relationship? n What is the future of the relationship?

It’s very likely that you were not able to respond with 6s for all four questions, and equally likely that the same would be true for your relationship partner. Your responses to these questions—adapted from a relationship uncertainty scale (Knoblock & Solo- mon, 1999)—and similar other questions illustrate that you probably experience some degree of uncertainty about (1) the norms that govern your relationship communication (question 1), (2) the degree to which you and your partner see the relationship in similar ways (question 2), (3) the definition of the relationship (question 3), and (4) the relation- ship’s future (question 4).

The skills of interpersonal communication presented throughout this text may be looked at as means for appropriately reducing ambiguity and making your meaning as unambiguous as possible (when you want it to be unambiguous).

Interpersonal Relationships May be Symmetrical or Complementary

Interpersonal relationships can be described as either symmetrical or complementary (Bateson, 1972; Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967). In a symmetrical relationship, the two individuals mirror each other’s be- havior (Bateson, 1972). If one member nags, the other member responds in kind. If one member is passionate, the other member is passionate. If one member expresses jealousy, the other member also expresses jeal- ousy. If one member is passive, so is the other. The relationship is one of equality, with the emphasis on minimizing the differences between the two individuals.

Note, however, the problems that can arise in this type of relation- ship. Consider the situation of a couple in which both members are very aggressive. The aggressiveness of one person fosters aggressiveness in

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Reducing Relationship Ambiguity You’ve gone out with someone for several months and want to reduce ambiguity about the future of the relationship and discover your partner’s level of commitment. But you don’t want to scare your partner. What are some things you can say or do to find answers to your very legitimate questions?

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Reducing Negative Symmetry You’re dating a person you really like and find yourself in a symmetrical relationship, especially when it comes to things like aggressiveness and jealousy; it sometimes spirals out of control. What are some of the things you might do to lessen these unpleasant spirals?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication22

the other, which fosters increased aggressiveness in the first individual. As this cycle escalates, the aggressiveness can no longer be contained and the relationship is consumed by the aggression.

In a complementary relationship, the two individuals engage in different behaviors. The behavior of one serves as the stimulus for the other’s complementary behavior. In com- plementary relationships, the differences between the parties are maximized. The people occupy different positions, one su- perior and the other inferior, one passive and the other active, one strong and the other weak. At times, cultures establish such relationships—for example, the complementary rela- tionship between teacher and student or between employer and employee.

Interpersonal Communication Refers to Content and Relationship

Messages may refer to the real world (content messages); for example, to the events and objects you see before you. At the same time, however, they also may refer to the relationship between the people communicating (relationship messages). For example, a judge may say to a lawyer, “See me in my cham- bers immediately.” This simple message has both a content aspect, which refers to the response expected (namely, that the lawyer will see the judge immediately), and a relationship aspect, which says something about the relationship between the judge and the lawyer and, as a result of this relationship, about how the communication is to be dealt with. Even the use of the simple command shows that there is a status dif- ference between the two parties. This difference can perhaps be seen most clearly if you imagine the command being made by the lawyer to the judge. Such a communication appears awkward and out of place because it violates the normal rela- tionship between judge and lawyer.

In any two communications, the content dimension may be the same, but the relationship aspect may be different, or the relationship aspect may be the same and the content dimension different. For example, the judge could say to the lawyer, “You had better see me immediately” or “May I please see you as soon as possible?” In both cases, the content is essentially the same; that is, the message about the expected response is the same. But the relationship dimension is quite different. The first message signifies a definite superior–inferior relationship; the second signals a more equal relationship, one that shows respect for the lawyer.

Similarly, at times the content is different but the relationship is essentially the same. For example, a daughter might say to her parents, “May I go away this weekend?” or “May I use the car tonight?” The content of the two questions is clearly very different. The relationship dimension, however, is the same. Both questions clearly reflect a superior–inferior relation- ship in which permission to do certain things must be secured.

Many problems between people result from failure to recognize the distinction between the content and relationship dimensions of communication. Consider the following interchange:

Dialogue Comments

He: I'm going bowling tomorrow. The guys at the plant are starting a team.

He focuses on the content and ignores any relationship implications of the message.

VIEWPOINTS How would you describe one of your in- terpersonal relationships in terms of symmetrical and comple- mentary interactions? For example, is the relationship defined by the differences or by the similarities between you and the other person? Is there equality between you, or is one of you superior? Are you dependent on each other or independent? Is the power shared, or is one person in control?

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 23

This example reflects research findings that men generally focus more on the content while women focus more on the relationship dimensions of communication (Ivy & Backlund, 2000; Pearson, West, & Turner, 1995; Wood, 1994). Once you recognize this difference, you may be better able to remove a potential barrier to communication between the sexes by being sensitive to the orientation of the opposite sex. Here is essentially the same situation but with added sensitivity:

Dialogue Comments

He: The guys at the plant are organizing a bowling team. I'd sure like to be on the team. Would it be a problem if I went to the organizational meeting tomorrow?

Although focused on content, he is aware of the relationship dimensions of his message and includes both in his comments—by acknowl- edging their partnership, asking if there would be a problem, and expressing his desire rather than his decision.

She: That sounds great, but I was hoping we could do something together.

She focuses on the relationship dimension but also acknowledges his content orientation. Note, too, that she does not respond as though she has to defend her emphasis on relationship aspects.

He: How about you meet me at Joe's Pizza, and we can have dinner after the organizational meeting?

He responds to the relationship aspect— without abandoning his desire to join the bowling team—and incorporates it.

She: That sounds great. I'm dying for pizza.

She responds to both messages, approving of his joining the team and their dinner date.

Arguments over the content dimension are relatively easy to resolve. Generally, you can look up something in a book or ask someone what actually took place. It is relatively easy to verify disputed facts. Arguments on the relationship level, however, are much more difficult to resolve, in part because you may not recognize that the argument is in fact a relational one. Once you realize that, you can approach the dispute appropriately and deal with it directly.

Interpersonal Communication Is a Series of Punctuated Events Communication events are continuous transactions. There is no clear-cut beginning and no clear-cut end. As participants in or observers of the communication act, you segment this continuous stream of communication into smaller pieces. You label some of these pieces causes or stimuli and others effects or responses.

Consider an example. A married couple is in a restaurant. The husband is flirting with an- other woman, and the wife is talking to her sister on her cell phone. Both are scowling at each other and are obviously in a deep nonverbal argument. Recalling the situation later, the hus- band might observe that the wife talked on the phone, so he innocently flirted with the other woman. The only reason for his behavior (he says) was his anger over her talking on the phone when they were supposed to be having dinner together. Notice that he sees his behavior as a response to her behavior. In recalling the same incident, the wife might say that she phoned her sister when he started flirting. The more he flirted, the longer she talked. She had no intention of calling anyone until he started flirting. To her, his behavior was the stimulus and hers was the response; he caused her behavior. Thus, the husband sees the sequence as going from phon- ing to flirting, and the wife sees it as going from flirting to phoning. This example is depicted

She: Why can't we ever do anything together?

She responds primarily on a relationship level, ignores the content implications of the message, and expresses her displeasure at being ignored in his decision.

He: We can do something together anytime; tomorrow's the day they're organizing the team.

Again, he focuses almost exclusively on the content.

For an application of some of these principles to a letter to Dear Abby, see “It’s about communication, Abby” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. How would you have answered this writer’s letter?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication24

visually in Figure 1.4 and is supported by research showing that, among married couples at least, the individuals regularly see their partner’s behavior as the cause of conflict (Schutz, 1999).

This tendency to divide communication transactions into sequences of stimuli and re- sponses is referred to as punctuation (Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967). Everyone punctuates the continuous sequences of events into stimuli and responses for convenience. Moreover, as the example of the husband and wife illustrates, punctuation usually is done in ways that benefit the self and are consistent with a person’s self-image.

Understanding how another person interprets a situation, how he or she punctuates, is a crucial step in interpersonal understanding. It is also essential in achieving empathy ( feeling what the other person is feeling). In all communication encounters, but especially in conflicts, try to see how others punctuate the situation.

Interpersonal Communication Is Inevitable, Irreversible, and Unrepeatable

Interpersonal communication cannot be prevented (is inevitable), cannot be reversed (is irre- versible), and cannot be repeated (is unrepeatable). Let’s look briefly at each of these qualities and their implications.

Inevitability Often communication is thought of as intentional, purposeful, and con- sciously motivated. In many instances it is. But the inevitability principle means that in many instances you’re communicating even though you might not think you are or might not even want to be. Consider, for example, the new editorial assistant sitting at the desk with an “expressionless” face, perhaps staring out the window. Although this assistant might say that she or he is not communicating with the manager, the manager may derive any of a variety of messages from this behavior—for example, that the assistant lacks interest, is bored, or is worried about something. In any event, the manager is receiving messages even though the assistant might not intend to communicate. In an interactional situation, all behavior is po- tentially communication. Any aspect of your behavior may communicate if the other person gives it message value. On the other hand, if the behavior ( for example, the assistant’s look- ing out the window) goes unnoticed, then no communication will have taken place.

A

B

C

Phoning

Flirting

Phoning

Flirting

Flirting Phoning Flirting Phoning

FlirtingPhoning FlirtingPhoning

FIgure 1.4 Punctuation and the Sequence of events (A) Shows the actual sequence of events as a continuous series of actions with no specific beginning or end. Each action (phoning and flirting) stimulates another action, but no initial cause is identified.

(B) Shows the same sequence of events as seen by the wife. She sees the sequence as beginning with the husband’s flirting and her phoning behavior as a response to that stimulus.

(C) Shows the same sequence of events from the husband’s point of view. He sees the sequence as beginning with the wife’s phoning and his flirting as a response to that stimulus.

Try using this three-part figure, discussed in the text, to explain what might go on when a supervisor complains that workers are poorly trained for their jobs and when the workers complain that the supervisor doesn’t know how to supervise.

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 25

Further, when you are in an interactional situation, your responses all have potential message value. For example, if you notice someone winking at you, you must respond in some way. Even if you don’t respond openly, that lack of response is itself a response and it com- municates (assuming it is perceived by the other person).

Irreversibility The processes of some systems can be reversed. For example, you can turn water into ice and then reverse the process by melting the ice. Moreover, you can repeat this reversal of ice and water as many times as you wish. Similarly, you can authorize and then deauthorize an app on Facebook as many times as you wish. Other systems, however, are irreversible. In these systems, the process can move in only one direction; it cannot go back again. For example, you can turn grapes into wine, but you cannot reverse the process and turn the wine back into grapes. It’s similar to naming or selecting a category for your Facebook page; once you publish it, you cannot unpublish either, short of deleting the entire page and starting over. Similarly, you can post a message on Facebook and then delete the message but you cannot delete the memory of those who already read the message.

Interpersonal communication is irreversible. This quality of irreversibility means that what you have communicated remains communicated; you cannot uncommunicate. Although you may try to qualify, negate, or somehow reduce the effects of your message, once it has been sent and received, the message itself cannot be reversed. In interpersonal interactions (especially in conflict), you need to be especially careful that you don’t say things you may wish to withdraw later. Similarly, commitment messages, such as “I love you,” must be monitored lest you commit yourself to a position you may be uncomfortable with later.

Face-to-face communication is evanescent; it fades after you have spoken. There is no trace of your communications outside of the memories of the parties involved or of those who overheard your conversation. In computer-mediated communication, however, the messages are written and may be saved, stored, and printed. Both face-to-face and computer-mediated messages may be kept confidential or revealed publicly. But computer messages may be made public more easily and spread more quickly than face-to-face messages. Also, in communicating on Facebook, for example, it’s relatively easy to intend to send a message to one person but actually send it to an entire group. Written messages provide clear evidence of what you have said and when you said it.

Because electronic communication often is permanent, you may wish to be cautious when you’re e-mailing, posting your profile, or posting a message. Consider the following: n Electronic messages are virtually impossible to destroy. Often e-mails that you think you

deleted or a post you wrote in anger will remain on servers and workstations and may be retrieved by a clever hacker or may simply be copied and distributed to people you’d rather not have see what you wrote.

n Electronic messages can easily be made public. Your post on your blog or on a social networking site can be sent to anyone. Your rant about a former employer may reach a prospective employer, who may see you as a complainer and reject your job application. In fact, employers regularly search such sites for information about job candidates.

n Electronic messages are not privileged communication; they can easily be accessed by others and be used against you. And you’ll not be able to deny saying something; it will be there in black and white.

Unrepeatability In addition to being inevitable and irreversible, interpersonal commu- nication is unrepeatable. The reason for this quality of unrepeatability is simple: Everyone and everything is constantly changing. As a result, you can never recapture the exact same situation, frame of mind, or relationship dynamics that defined a previous interpersonal act. For example, you can never repeat the experience of meeting a particular person for the first time, comforting a grieving friend, or resolving a specific conflict. And, as you surely know, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt The Irreversibility of Interpersonal Communication You accidentally refer to your best friend’s current romantic partner with the name of the friend’s ex-partner. From both their expressions you can tell your friend never mentioned the ex. What can you say to get your friend out of the trouble you just created?

See “social media warnings” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com for some added insights into the dangers of posting inappropriate photos and messages on your social media site. Do you think this concern is warranted? Overblown?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication26

You can, of course, try again, as when you say, “I’m sorry I came off so forward; can we try again?” But notice that even when you say this, you don’t erase the initial impression. Instead, you try to counteract the initial (and perhaps negative) impression by going through the mo- tions once more. In doing so, you try to create a more positive impression, which you hope will lessen the original negative effect—and which often does.

Use your smartphone or tablet device (or log on to mycommunicationlab.com) to hear an audio summary of Chapter 1.

These chapter summaries are designed to refresh your memory of the topics covered in the

chapter. Note that the major heads of the chapter are repeated here to better connect them and the summary propositions.

This chapter introduced the importance of interpersonal communication, its essential nature, its elements, and some of its major principles.

Why Study Interpersonal Communication 1. Intellectual benefits include a deeper understanding of

yourself and others and of relationships. 2. Practical benefits include personal, social or relationship,

and professional benefits.

The Nature of Interpersonal Communication 3. Interpersonal communication is communication between

two or more interdependent individuals. 4. Interpersonal communication is inherently relational. 5. Interpersonal communication exists on a continuum from

relatively impersonal to intimate. 6. Interpersonal communication involves both verbal and

nonverbal messages. 7. Interpersonal communication can take place, and inter-

personal relationships can develop, through face-to-face interactions as well as those you have on the Internet.

8. Interpersonal communication can range from extremely ineffective to extremely effective.

Elements of Interpersonal Communication 9. The source–receiver concept emphasizes that you send

and receive interpersonal messages simultaneously. 10. Encoding–decoding involves putting meaning into verbal

and nonverbal messages and deriving meaning from the messages you receive from others.

11. Messages are the signals that serve as stimuli for a receiver; metamessages are messages about other messages. Feedback messages are messages that are sent back by the receiver to

the source in response to the source’s messages. Feedforward messages are messages that preface other messages and ask that the listener approach future messages in a certain way.

12. Channels are the media through which messages pass and which act as a bridge between source and receiver; for ex- ample, the vocal–auditory channel used in speaking or the cutaneous–tactile channel used in touch.

13. Noise is the inevitable physical, physiological, psychologi- cal, and semantic interference that distorts messages.

14. Context is the physical, social–psychological, temporal, and cultural environment in which communication takes place.

15. Ethics is the moral dimension of communication, the study of what makes behavior moral or good as opposed to immoral and bad.

Principles of Interpersonal Communication 16. Interpersonal communication is a transactional process.

Interpersonal communication is a process, an ongoing event, in which the elements are interdependent; commu- nication is constantly occurring and changing. Don’t ex- pect clear-cut beginnings or endings or sameness from one time to another.

17. Interpersonal communication is purposeful. Five purposes may be identified: to learn, relate, influence, play, and help.

18. Interpersonal communication is ambiguous. All messages are potentially ambiguous; different people will derive dif- ferent meanings from the “same” message. There is ambi- guity in all relationships.

19. Interpersonal relationships may be symmetrical or com- plementary; interpersonal interactions may stimulate similar or different behavior patterns.

20. Interpersonal communication refers both to content and to the relationship between the participants.

21. Interpersonal communication is punctuated; that is, ev- eryone separates communication sequences into stimuli and responses on the basis of his or her own perspective.

22. Interpersonal communication is inevitable, irreversible, and unrepeatable. When in an interactional situation, you cannot not communicate; you cannot uncommunicate; and you cannot repeat exactly a specific message.

Summary

chapter 1 Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 27

These are the key terms discussed in this chapter. If you’re in doubt about the definition of any of these terms, look them up; the pages on which these terms are introduced and defined are shown here, and the terms also appear in the Glossary of Interpersonal Communica- tion Concepts.

Key Terms

ambiguity, 20 asynchronous

communication, 8 channel, 13 choice points, 8 competence, 10 complementary

relationship, 22 content dimension, 22

context, 14 decoding, 12 encoding, 12 ethics, 16 feedback, 12 feedforward, 13 inevitability, 24 interpersonal

communication, 5

irreversibility, 25 messages, 12 metamessages, 12 mindfulness, 11 mindlessness, 11 noise, 14 punctuation, 24 relationship dimension, 22 research, 18

source–receiver, 8 symmetrical relationship, 21 synchronous

communication, 8 theory, 18 transactional perspective, 17 unrepeatability, 25

MyCommunicationLab Explorations

Communication Choice Points Revisit the chapter- opening video, “Ryan Asks for a Recom- mendation.” Recall from the video that Ryan, a communica- tion major, needs a letter of recommenda- tion for a summer

internship. Ryan decides to ask Professor Starck, a popular instructor who he previously had in class. Ryan tries three differ- ent approaches to ask for a letter of recommendation, with varying degrees of success. “Ryan Asks for a Recommendation” looks at how the elements of communication play into an effec- tive message, including context, feedback, feedforward, noise, and the communication channel. It also previews how expectations and politeness may affect the receiver and the message. Log on to mycommunicationlab.com to view the video for this chapter, “Ryan Asks for a Recommendation,” and then an- swer the related discussion questions.

additional Resources A variety of exercises, identified at the end of each chapter and available on the MyCommunicationLab website, will help you gain a deeper understanding of the concepts in this chapter and help you to apply this material to your own interpersonal inter- actions. 1 Models of Interpersonal Communication asks you to draw a model of interpersonal communication that will visualize and explain a specific interpersonal situation. 2 How Would You Give Feedback? and 3 How Would You Give Feedforward? provide practice in examining the types of feedback and feed- forward you have available. 4 Ethics in Interpersonal Com- munication asks you to consider what you feel is an ethical response in a variety of interpersonal situations. 5 How Can You Respond to Contradictory Messages? looks at types of situations that may call for you to respond to contradictory meanings. 6 I’d Prefer to Be is an icebreaker that will help you get to know others in the class and at the same time explore factors that can influence your interpersonal commu- nication. 7 Applying the Axioms and 8 Analyzing an Inter- action provide opportunities to examine how the axioms may be applied to actual interpersonal situations.

2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication

C H A P T E R

Culture

Cultural Differences

Principles for Effective Intercultural Communication

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Charles will be meeting Mei Li’s extended family for the first time, and both he and Mei Li are a bit nervous. They consider how the differ- ences in their cultures may affect their relationship and their commu- nication choices. Watch the video clips to see how Charles’ and Mei Li’s relationship is affected by their communication choices in the video, “Meet the Family” (www.mycommunicationlab.com).

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Why read this chapter?

Because you’ll learn about: n the nature of culture. n the ways in which cultures differ. n the principles of intercultural communication.

Because you’ll learn to: n communicate with an appreciation of cultural influences and differences. n communicate more effectively in intercultural communication situations.

This chapter discusses one of the foundation concepts of interpersonal communication, culture—an often misunderstood concept. More specifically, this chapter

explains the nature of culture and its relationship to interper- sonal communication, the major differences among cultures and how these differences affect interpersonal communica- tion, and the ways you can improve your own intercultural communication.

Culture Culture, as introduced briefly in Chapter 1, is defined as (1) the relatively specialized lifestyle of a group of people (2) that is passed on from one generation to the next through communication, not through genes. (1) Included in a social group’s “culture” is everything that members of that group have produced and developed—their values, beliefs, artifacts, and language; their ways of behaving; their art, laws, religion, and, of course, communication theo- ries, styles, and attitudes. (2) Culture is passed on from one generation to the next through communication, not through genes. Culture is not synonymous with race or nationality. The term culture does not refer to color of skin or shape of eyes, as these are passed on through genes, not communication. Of course, because members of a particular ethnic or national group are often taught similar beliefs, attitudes, and values, it’s possible to speak of “Hispanic culture” or “African American culture.” It’s important to realize, however, that within any large group— especially a group based on race or nationality—there will be enormous differences. The Kansas farmer and the Wall Street executive may both be, say, German American, but may differ widely in their attitudes, beliefs, and lifestyles. In some ways the Kansas farmer may be closer in attitudes and values to a Chinese farmer than to the New York financier. In ordinary conversation sex and gender are often used synonymously. In academic discussions of culture, however,

VIEWPOINTS Consider two opposing views on culture: cultural evolution and cultural relativism. The cultural evolution approach (often called social Darwinism) holds that much as the human species evolved from earlier life forms to Homo sapi- ens, cultures also evolve. Under this view, some cultures may be considered advanced and others primitive. Most contemporary scholars reject this view, however, because the judgments that distinguish one culture from another have no basis in science and are instead based on individual values and preferences.

Cultural relativism theory, on the other hand, holds that all cultures are different but that no culture is either superior or inferior to any other (Berry, Poortinga, Segall, & Dasen, 1992; Mosteller, 2008). Before reading any further, how would you ex- plain the nature of culture and how it developed and how it’s passed on from one generation to another?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication30

they’re more often distinguished. Sex refers to the biological distinction between male and female; sex is determined by genes, by biology. Gender, on the other hand, refers to the “social construction of masculinity and femininity within a culture” (Stewart, Cooper, & Stewart, 2003). Gender (masculinity and femininity) is what boys and girls learn from their culture; it’s the attitudes, beliefs, values, and ways of communicating and relating to one another that boys and girls learn as they grow up. Because of this, although sex is transmitted genetically and not by communication, gender may be considered a cultural variable—largely because cultures teach boys and girls different attitudes, beliefs, values, and ways of communicating and relating to others. Thus, you act like a man or a woman in part because of what your culture has taught you about how men and women should act. This does not, of course, deny that biological differences also play a role in the differences between male and female behavior. In fact, research continues to uncover bio- logical roots of male/female differences we once thought were entirely learned (McCroskey, 1998).

Enculturation, Ethnic Identity, and Acculturation Culture is transmitted from one generation to another through enculturation, the process by which you learn the culture into which you’re born (your native culture). Parents, peer groups, schools, religious institutions, government agencies, and the media are the main teachers of culture. Through enculturation you develop an ethnic identity, a commitment to the beliefs and philosophy of your culture that, not surprisingly, can act as a protective shield against dis- crimination (Chung & Ting-Toomey, 1999; R.M. Lee, 2005). The degree to which you identify with your cultural group can be measured by your responses to questions such as the follow- ing ( from Ting-Toomey, 1981). Using a five-point scale, with 1 meaning “strongly disagree” and 5 meaning “strongly agree,” indicate how true of you these statements are:

_____ 1. I am increasing my involvement in activities with my ethnic group. _____ 2. I involve myself in causes that will help members of my ethnic group. _____ 3. It feels natural being part of my ethnic group. _____ 4. I have spent time trying to find out more about my own ethnic group. _____ 5. I am happy to be a member of my ethnic group. _____ 6. I have a strong sense of belonging to my ethnic group. _____ 7. I often talk to other members of my group to learn more about my ethnic culture.

High scores (say, 4s and 5s) indicate a strong commitment to your culture’s values and be- liefs; low numbers (1s and 2s) indicate a relatively weak commitment. As you can imagine, you acquire your ethnic identity from family and friends who observe ethnic holidays, patronize ethnic parades, and eat ethnic foods; from your schooling where

you learn about your own culture and ethnic background; and from your own media and Internet exposure. Ethnic identity can turn into ethnocentrism (see pp. 50–51) if you begin looking at your culture’s practices as the only right ways to behave or seeing the practices of other cultures as inferior.

A different process of learning culture is acculturation, the process by which you learn the rules and norms of a culture different from your native culture. In acculturation your original or native culture is modi- fied through direct contact with or exposure to a new and different cul- ture. For example, when immigrants settle in the United States (the host culture), their own culture becomes influenced by the host culture. Grad- ually, the values, ways of behaving, and beliefs of the host culture become more and more a part of the immigrants’ culture. At the same time, of course, the host culture also changes as it interacts with the immigrants’ culture. Generally, however, the culture of the immigrant changes more.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Violating Cultural Norms or Expectations You’re invited to a holiday party by people you recently met at school. Having lots of money yourself and not knowing much about anyone else, you buy a really expensive present. As the gifts are being opened, you notice that everyone gave very inexpen- sive items—a photograph, a book, a scented candle. Your gift is next. What are some of the things you can you do to lessen the effect of your choice, which is sure to seem very strange to everyone else?

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 31

The reasons for this are that the host country’s members far outnumber the immigrant group and that the media are largely dominated by and reflect the values and customs of the host culture (Kim, 1988, 2001). New citizens’ acceptance of the new culture depends on many factors (Kim, 1988). Immigrants who come from cul- tures similar to the host culture will become acculturated more easily. Similarly, those who are younger and better edu- cated become acculturated more quickly than do older and less well-educated people. Personality factors also play a part. Persons who are risk takers and open-minded, for example, have greater acculturation potential. Also, persons who are familiar with the host culture before immigration—through interpersonal contact or through media exposure—will be ac- culturated more readily.

The Relevance of Culture Because of (1) demographic changes, (2) increased sensi- tivity to cultural differences, (3) economic interdependency, (4) advances in communication technology, and (5) the fact that communication competence is specific to a cul- ture (what works in one culture will not necessarily work in another), it’s impossible to communicate effectively without being aware of how culture influences human communication.

Demographic Changes Most obvious, perhaps, are the vast demographic changes taking place throughout the United States. Whereas at one time the United States was a country largely populated by Europeans, it’s now a country greatly influenced by the enormous number of new citizens from Latin and South America, Africa, and Asia. The same demographic shift is noticeable on college campuses. These changes have brought different interpersonal customs and the need to understand and adapt to new ways of communicating.

Sensitivity to Cultural Differences As a people we’ve become increasingly sensitive to cultural differences. American society has moved from an assimilationist attitude (people should leave their native culture behind and adapt to their new culture) to a perspective that values cultural diversity (people should retain their native cultural ways). We have moved from the metaphor of the melting pot, in which different cultures blended into one, to a meta- phor of a spaghetti bowl or tossed salad, in which there is some blending but specific and different tastes and flavors still remain. In this diverse society, and with some notable exceptions—hate speech, racism, sexism, homophobia, and classism come quickly to mind— we are more concerned with saying the right thing and ultimately with developing a society where all cultures coexist and enrich one another. As a bonus, the ability to interact effec- tively with members of other cultures often translates into financial gain and increased em- ployment opportunities and advancement prospects as well.

Economic and Political Interdependence Today, most countries are economically de- pendent on one another. Our economic lives depend on our ability to communicate effec- tively across different cultures. Similarly, our political well-being depends in great part on that of other cultures. Political unrest in any place in the world—South Africa, Eastern Europe, Asia, and the Middle East, to take a few examples—affects our own security. Intercultural communication and understanding seem more crucial now than ever.

VIEWPOINTS What’s in a name? Some researchers prefer to use the term subculture to refer to smaller cultures within larger cultures; other researchers do not use the term, feeling that it implies that some cultures are less important than others. Some researchers prefer to use the term co-culture to refer to a variety of cultures coexisting side by side, whereas others think this term is imprecise because all cultures coexist (Lustig & Koester, 2010); these theorists prefer simply to refer to all cultures as cultures. How do you feel about the terms subculture, co-culture, and just plain culture?

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication32

Spread of Technology The rapid spread of technology has made intercultural communication as easy as it is inevi- table. News from foreign countries is commonplace. You see nightly—in vivid detail—what is going on in remote coun- tries, just as you see what’s happening in your own city and state. Of course, the Internet has made intercultural commu- nication as easy as writing a note on your computer. You can now communicate just as easily by e-mail or any social net- work site with someone in Asia or Europe, for example, as you can with someone living a few blocks away or in the next dorm room.

Culture-Specific Nature of Interpersonal Com- munication Still another reason why culture is so impor- tant is that interpersonal competence is culture-specific; what proves effective in one culture may prove ineffective in another. Many Asians, for example, often find that the values they were taught—values that promote cooperation and face- saving but discourage competitiveness and assertiveness— work against them in cultures that value competition and outspokenness (Cho, 2000). The same would be true for exec- utives from the United States working in Asia. An example of these differences can be seen in business meetings. In the United States corporate executives get down to business dur- ing the first several minutes of a meeting. In Japan business executives interact socially for an extended period and try to find out something about one another. Thus, the communica- tion principle influenced by U.S. culture would advise partici- pants to get down to the meeting’s agenda during the first five minutes. The principle influenced by Japanese culture would

advise participants to avoid dealing with business until everyone has socialized sufficiently and feels well enough acquainted to begin negotiations. Another example: Giving a birthday gift to a close friend would be appreciated by many; but Jehovah’s Witnesses would frown on this act because they don’t celebrate birthdays (Dresser, 2005). Neither principle is right, neither is wrong. Each is effective within its own culture and ineffective outside its own culture.

The Aim of a Cultural Perspective Because culture permeates all forms of communication, it’s necessary to understand its influ- ences if you’re to understand how communication works and master its skills. As illustrated throughout this text, culture influences communications of all types ( Jandt, 2007; Moon, 1996). It influences what you say to yourself and how you talk with friends, lovers, and family in everyday conversation ( for example, Shibazaki & Brennan, 1998). It influences how you interact in groups and how much importance you place on the group versus the individual. It influences the topics you talk about and the strategies you use in communicating information or in persuading. It influences how you use the media and the credibility you attribute to them. Consider attitudes toward age. If you were raised in the United States, you probably grew up with a youth bias (young is good, old is not so good)—an attitude the media reinforce daily—and might well assume that this preference for youth would be universal across all cultures. But it isn’t; and if you assume it is, you may be in for intercultural difficulties. A good example is the case of the American journalist in China who remarked that the government official he was talking with was probably too young to remember a particular event—a

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VIEWPOINTS Assume you’re a judge and the following case is presented to you (Time, December 2, 1993, p. 61): A Chinese immigrant killed his wife in New York because he suspected her of cheating. A “cultural defense” was offered, essentially claiming that infidelity so shames a man that he is uncontrollable in his anger. Would this cultural defense have influenced your judgment? In the actual case, influenced by an anthropologist’s testimony that infidelity is so serious in Chinese culture that it pushed the defendant to commit the crime, the judge sentenced the defendant to five years’ probation. How do you feel about “cultural defenses” in general? Are there some cultural defenses you’d accept and others you would not?

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 33

comment that would be taken as a compliment by most youth-oriented Americans. But to the Chinese official the comment appeared to be an insult, a suggestion that the official was too young to deserve respect (Smith, 2002). You need cultural understanding to communicate effectively in a wide variety of intercul- tural situations. Success in interpersonal communication—at your job and in your social and personal life—will depend in great part on your understanding of and your ability to commu- nicate effectively with persons who are culturally different from yourself. Daily, the media bombard you with evidence of racial tensions, religious disagreements, sexual bias, and, in general, the problems caused when intercultural communication fails. This emphasis on culture does not imply that you should accept all cultural practices or that all cultural practices will necessarily be equal in terms of your own values and beliefs (Hatfield & Rapson, 1996). Nor does it imply that you have to accept or follow all of the prac- tices of your own culture. For example, even if the majority in your culture find cockfighting acceptable, you need not agree with or follow the practice. Nor need you consider this practice equal to a cultural practice in which animals are treated kindly. You can reject capitalism or communism or socialism regardless of the culture in which you were raised. Of course, going against your culture’s traditions and values is often very difficult. But it’s important to realize that culture influences, it does not determine, your values or behavior. Often personality fac- tors (your degree of assertiveness, extroversion, or optimism, for example) will prove more influential than culture (Hatfield & Rapson, 1996). As demonstrated throughout this text, cultural differences exist throughout the interper- sonal communication spectrum—from the way you use eye contact to the way you develop or dissolve a relationship (Chang & Holt, 1996). Culture even influences your level of happiness, which in turn influences your attitudes and the positivity and negativity of your messages (Kirn, 2005). But these differences should not blind you to the great number of similarities existing among even the most widely separated cultures. When discussing differences, re- member that these are usually matters of degree rather than all-or-none. For example, most cultures value honesty, but some cultures give it greater emphasis than others. In addition,

One of the most shocking revelations to come to world attention after the events of September 11, 2001, was the way in which women were treated under Taliban rule in Afghanistan: Females could not be educated or even go out in public without a male relative escort, and when in public had to wear garments that covered their entire body.

Throughout history there have been cultural practices that today would be judged unethical. Sacrificing virgins to the gods, burning people who held different religious beliefs, and sending children to fight religious wars are obvious examples. But even to- day there are practices woven deep into the fabric of different cultures that you might find unethical. A few examples:

n bronco riding and bullfighting, practices involving inflicting pain and even causing the death of horses and bulls

n “female circumcision,” in which part or all of a young girl’s genitals are surgically al- tered so that she can never experience sexual intercourse without extreme pain, a practice designed to keep her a virgin until marriage

n the belief and practice that a woman must be subservient to her husband’s will n the practice of wearing fur—which in some cases means killing wild animals and in

others raising animals so they can be killed when their pelts are worth the most money

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication Culture and ethiCs Ethical choicE Point

You’re talking with new work colleagues who are discussing one of these practices with great approval; your col- leagues argue that each culture has a right to its own practices and beliefs. Given your own beliefs about these issues and about cultural diversity, what ethical obligations do you have to speak your mind without— you hope—jeopardizing your new position?

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For a similar example of cultural differences see Intercultural Communication: Gaining Weight? at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. Have you ever witnessed or been a part of such cultural misunderstandings?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication34

advances in media and technology and the widespread use of the Internet are influencing cultures and cultural change and are perhaps homogenizing different cultures to some extent, lessening differences and increasing similarities.

Cultural Differences For effective interpersonal communication to take place in a global world, goodwill and good intentions are helpful—but they are not enough. If you’re going to be effective, you need to know how cultures differ and how these differences influence communication. Research sup- ports several major cultural distinctions that have an impact on communication: (1) individu- alist or collectivist orientation, (2) emphasis on context (whether high or low), (3) power structure, (4) masculinity–femininity, (5) tolerance for ambiguity, (6) long- and short-term orientation, and (7) indulgence and restraint. Each of these dimensions of difference has sig- nificant impact on all forms of communication (Gudykunst, 1994; Hall & Hall, 1987; Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). Following the major researchers in this area, these differences are discussed in terms of countries, even though in many cases different nations have very similar cultures (and so we often speak of Hispanic culture, which would include a variety of coun- tries). In other cases, the same country includes varied cultures ( for example, Hong Kong, al- though a part of China, is considered separately because it has a somewhat different culture) (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). Before reading about these dimensions, take the accompanying self-test. It will help you think about your own cultural orientations and will personalize the text discussion and make it more meaningful.

For each of the items below, select either a or b. In some cases, you may feel that neither a nor b describes yourself accurately; in these cases simply select the one that is closer to your feeling. As you’ll see when you read this next section, these are not either/or preferences, but more-or-less preferences.

1. Success, to my way of thinking, is better measured by a. the extent to which I surpass others. b. my contribution to the group effort. 2. My heroes are generally a. people who stand out from the crowd. b. team players. 3. If I were a manager, I would likely a. reprimand a worker in public if the occasion warranted. b. always reprimand in private regardless of the situation. 4. In communicating, it’s generally more important to be a. polite rather than accurate or direct. b. accurate and direct rather than polite. 5. As a student (and if I feel well informed), I feel a. comfortable challenging a professor. b. uncomfortable challenging a professor. 6. In choosing a life partner or even close friends, I feel more comfortable a. with just about anyone, not necessarily one from my own culture and class. b. with those from my own culture and class.

What’s Your Cultural Orientation?Test Yourself

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 35

Individual and Collective Orientation Cultures differ in the way in which they promote individualist and collectivist thinking and behav- ing (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010; Singh & Pereira, 2005). An individualist culture teaches members the importance of individual values such as power, achievement, hedonism, and stimu- lation. Examples include the cultures of the United States, Australia, United Kingdom, Netherlands,

7. In a conflict situation, I’d be more likely to a. confront conflicts directly and seek to win. b. confront conflicts with the aim of compromise. 8. If I were a manager of an organization, I would stress a. competition and aggressiveness. b. worker satisfaction. 9. As a student, I’m more comfortable with assignments in which a. there is freedom for interpretation. b. there are clearly defined instructions. 10. Generally, when approaching an undertaking with which I’ve had no experience, I feel a. comfortable. b. uncomfortable. 11. Generally, a. I save money for the future. b. I spend what I have. 12. My general belief about child rearing is that a. children should be cared for by their mothers. b. children can be cared for by others. 13. For the most part, a. I believe I’m in control of my own life. b. I believe my life is largely determined by forces out of my control. 14. In general, a. I have leisure time to do what I find fun. 2. I have little leisure time.

How Did You Do?

n Items 1–2 refer to the individualist–collectivist orientation; a responses indicate an individu- alist orientation, and b responses indicate a collectivist orientation.

n Items 3–4 refer to the high- and low-context characteristics; a responses indicate a high- context focus, and b responses indicate a low-context focus.

n Items 5–6 refer to the power distance dimension; a responses indicate greater comfort with a low power distance, and b responses indicate comfort with a high power distance.

n Items 7–8 refer to the masculine–feminine dimension; a responses indicate a masculine orien- tation; b responses, a feminine orientation.

n Items 9–10 refer to the tolerance for ambiguity or uncertainty; a responses indicate high tolerance, and b responses indicate a low tolerance.

n Items 11–12 refer to the long- or short-term orientation; a responses indicate long-term orientation, and b responses indicate short-term orientation.

n Items 13–14 refer to indulgent and restraint orientation; a responses indicate indulgent, and b responses indicate restraint cultures.

What Will You Do? Understanding your preferences in a wide variety of situations as culturally influenced (at least in part) is a first step to controlling them and to changing them should you wish to do so. This understanding also helps you modify your behavior as appropriate for greater effectiveness in certain situations. The remaining discussion in this section further explains these orientations and their implications.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication36

Canada, New Zealand, Italy, Belgium, Denmark, and Sweden. A collectivist culture, on the other hand, teaches members the importance of group values such as benevolence, tradition, and conformity. Examples of such cultures include Guatemala, Ecua- dor, Panama, Venezuela, Colombia, Indonesia, Pakistan, China, Costa Rica, and Peru.

One of the major differences between these two orientations is the extent to which an individual’s goals or the group’s goals are given greater importance. Of course, these goals are not mu- tually exclusive—you probably have both individualist and col- lectivist tendencies. For example, you may compete with other members of your basketball team for the most baskets or most valuable player award (and thus emphasize individual goals). At the same time, however, you will—in a game—act in a way that will benefit the entire team (and thus emphasize group goals). In actual practice, both individual and collective tendencies will help you and your team each achieve your goals. Yet most peo- ple and most cultures have a dominant orientation. In an indi- vidualist culture members are responsible for themselves and perhaps their immediate family. In a collectivist culture mem- bers are responsible for the entire group. In some instances these tendencies may come into con- flict. For example, do you shoot for the basket and try to raise your own individual score, or do you pass the ball to another

player who is better positioned to score and thus benefit your team? You make this distinction in popular talk when you call someone a team player (collectivist orientation) or an individual player (individualist orientation). Success in an individualist culture is measured by the extent to which you surpass other members of your group; you take pride in standing out from the crowd. And your heroes—in the media, for example—are likely to be those who are unique and who stand apart. In a collectivist culture success is measured by your contribution to the achievements of the group as a whole; you take pride in your similarity to other members of your group. Your heroes are more likely to be team players who don’t stand out from the rest of the group’s members. Distinctions between in-group members and out-group members are extremely important in collectivist cultures. In individualistic cultures, which prize each person’s individuality, the distinction is likely to be less important. In fact, closely related to individualism and collectiv- ism is universalism and exclusionism (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). A universalist culture (highly correlated with individualism) is one in which people are treated as individu- als, rather than in terms of the groups (racial, sexual, national, for example) to which they

belong. A universalist orientation teaches a respect for other cultures, other beliefs, and other ways of doing things. An exclusionist orientation (highly correlated with collectivism) fosters a strong in-group affiliation with much less respect for out-group members. Special privileges are reserved for in- group members while indifference, impoliteness, and, in some cases, even hostility are directed at members of other cultures. Table 2.1 compares and summarizes the differences between individualist and collectivist cultures.

High- and Low-Context Cultures Cultures also differ in the extent to which information is made explicit, on the one hand, or is assumed to be in the context or in the persons communicating, on the other. In a high-context culture much of the information in communication is in the context or in the person—for example, information that was shared

VIEWPOINTS It’s been argued that in the United States women are more likely to view themselves as interdependents, having a more collectivist orientation, whereas men are more likely to view themselves as independents, having a more in- dividualist orientation (Cross & Madson, 1997). Does your experience support this?

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The key to your universe is that you can choose. —Frederick Carl Frieseke

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 37

through previous communications, through assumptions about each other, and through shared experiences. The information is thus known by all participants, but it is not explicitly stated in the verbal message. In a low-context culture most of the information is explicitly stated in the verbal message; in formal transactions it will be stated in written (or contract) form. High-context cultures are also collectivist cultures (Gudykunst & Kim, 1992; Gudykunst, Ting-Toomey, & Chua, 1988). These cultures ( Japanese, Arabic, Latin American, Thai, Korean, Apache, and Mexican are examples) place great emphasis on personal relationships and oral agreements (Victor, 1992). Low-context cultures are also individualist cultures. These cultures (German, Swedish, Norwegian, and American are examples) place less emphasis on personal relationships and more emphasis on verbalized, explicit explanation—for example, on written contracts in business transactions. A frequent source of intercultural misunderstanding that can be traced to the distinction between high- and low-context cultures is seen in face-saving (Hall & Hall, 1987). People in high-context cultures place a great deal more emphasis on face-saving, on avoiding one’s own or an- other’s possible embarrassment. For example, they’re more likely to avoid argument for fear of causing others to lose face, whereas people in low- context cultures (with their individualist orientation) will use argument to make a point. Similarly, in high-context cultures criticism should take place only in private. Low-context cultures may not make this public–pri- vate distinction. Low-context managers who criticize high-context work- ers in public will find that their criticism causes interpersonal problems—and does little to resolve the difficulty that led to the criticism in the first place (Victor, 1992). Members of high-context cultures are reluctant to say no for fear of offending and caus- ing the person to lose face. So, for example, it’s necessary to understand when the Japanese

Individualist and Collectivist Cultures

This table summarizes some of the major features of individualist and collectivist cultures. You may find it helpful to construct similar tables for the other cultural differences discussed in this chapter.

individualist Cultures Collectivist Cultures

Cultural trait An individualist culture teaches members the importance of individual values such as power, achievement, hedonism, and stimulation.

A collectivist culture teaches members the impor- tance of group values such as benevolence, tradition, and conformity.

representative Cultures

United States, Australia, United Kingdom, Neth- erlands, Canada, New Zealand, Italy, Belgium, Denmark, and Sweden

Guatemala, Ecuador, Panama, Venezuela, Colombia, Indonesia, Pakistan, China, Costa Rica, and Peru

interpersonal implications

You:

n measure success by the extent to which you surpass others.

n take pride in standing out from the crowd. n have heroes who are unique and who stand

apart. n place little importance on the distinction

between in-group and out-group.

You:

n measure success by the extent to which you con- tribute to the group’s goals.

n take pride in being a group member. n have heroes who are group oriented.

n place great importance on the distinction between in-group and out-group.

TAbLE 2.1

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Giving Directions in High- and Low-Context Situations To further appreciate the distinction between high and low context, consider giving directions to some specific place on campus (such as the cafeteria) to someone who knows the campus and who you can assume knows the local landmarks (which would resemble a high-context situation) and to a newcomer who you cannot assume is familiar with campus landmarks (which would resemble a low-context situation). What are some of the ways you could give directions to each of these individuals? What are the major ways in which they differ?

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication38

executive’s yes means yes and when it means no. The difference is not in the words used but in the way in which they’re used. It’s easy to see how the low-context individual may interpret this reluc- tance to be direct—to say no when you mean no—as a weakness or as an unwillingness to con- front reality.

Power Distance Power distance refers to how power is distributed in a society. In some cultures power is concentrated in the hands of a few, and there’s a great difference between the power held by these people and the power of the ordinary citizen. These are called high-power-distance cultures. The ten countries with the highest power distance are Malaysia, Slovakia, Guate- mala, Panama, the Philippines, Russia, Romania, Serbia, Suriname, and Mexico (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010; Singh & Pereira, 2005). In low-power-distance cultures, power is more evenly distributed throughout the citizenry. The ten countries with the lowest power distance are Austria, Israel, Denmark, New Zealand, Switzerland, Ireland, Sweden, Norway, Finland, and Great Britain (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010; Singh & Pereira, 2005). In a list of 76 countries, the United States ranks 59th (58 nations are higher in power distance). These differences affect communication in numerous ways. For example, in high-power-distance cultures there’s a great power distance between students and teachers; students are expected to be modest, polite, and totally respectful. In low-power-distance cultures (and you can see this clearly in U.S. college classrooms), students are expected to demonstrate their knowledge and command of the subject matter, participate in discussions with the teacher, and even

challenge the teacher—something many high-power-distance culture members wouldn’t even think of doing.

Friendship and dating relationships also will be influenced by the power distance between groups (Andersen, 1991). In India, for example, such relationships are expected to take place within your cultural class. In Sweden a person is expected to select friends and romantic partners not on the basis of class or culture but on the basis of such indi- vidual factors as personality, appearance, and the like.

Low-power-distance cultures expect you to confront a friend, partner, or supervi- sor assertively; in these cultures there is a general feeling of equality that is consistent with assertive behavior (Borden, 1991). High-power-distance cultures, on the other hand, view direct confrontation and assertiveness negatively, especially if directed at a superior.

Masculine and Feminine Cultures Especially important for self-concept is the culture’s attitude about gender roles; that is, about how a man or woman should act. In fact, a popular classification of cultures is in terms of their masculinity and femininity (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 1998, 2010). When denoting cultural orientations, the terms masculine and feminine should not be interpreted as perpetuating stereotypes but as reflecting some of the commonly held assumptions of a sizable number of people throughout the world. Some intercultural theorists note that equivalent terms would be achievement and nurturance, but because research is conducted under the terms masculine and feminine and because these are

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VIEWPOINTS In 1995 the Emma Lazarus poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty was changed. The original last five lines of the poem, “The New Colossus,” had been as follows, but in 1995 the words in brackets were deleted: Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, [The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,] Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost, to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden door. The late Harvard zoologist Stephen Jay Gould, commenting on this change, noted that the poem no longer represented what Lazarus wrote. “The language police triumph and integrity bleeds,” said Gould (1995). Yet it is true that calling immigrants “wretched refuse” is insulting; if Lazarus had been writing in 1995, she probably wouldn’t have used that phrase. Would you have supported deleting the line?

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 39

the terms you’d use to search the electronic databases, we use these terms here (Lustig & Koester, 2010). A highly masculine culture values aggressiveness, material success, and strength. A highly feminine cul- ture values modesty, concern for relationships and the quality of life, and tenderness. The 10 countries with the highest masculinity score are (beginning with the high- est) Japan, Austria, Venezuela, Italy, Switzerland, Mexico, Ireland, Jamaica, Great Britain, and Germany. The 10 countries with the highest femininity score are (begin- ning with the highest) Sweden, Norway, the Netherlands, Denmark, Costa Rica, Yugoslavia, Finland, Chile, Portu- gal, and Thailand. Of the 53 countries ranked, the United States ranks 15th most masculine (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). Masculine cultures emphasize success and so social- ize their members to be assertive, ambitious, and com- petitive. For example, members of masculine cultures are more likely to confront conflicts directly and to fight out any differences competitively; they’re more likely to em- phasize conflict strategies that enable them to win and ensure that the other side loses (win–lose strategies). Feminine cultures emphasize the quality of life and so socialize their members to be modest and to highlight close interpersonal relationships. Feminine cultures, for example, are more likely to utilize compromise and ne- gotiation in resolving conflicts; they’re more likely to seek solutions in which both sides win (win–win strategies). Similarly, organizations can be viewed as masculine or feminine. Masculine organizations emphasize competitiveness and aggressiveness. They stress the bottom line and reward their workers on the basis of their contributions to the organization. Feminine organizations are less competitive and less aggressive. They emphasize worker satisfaction and reward their workers on the basis of the needs of workers.

High-Ambiguity-Tolerant and Low-Ambiguity-Tolerant Cultures Levels of ambiguity tolerance vary widely among cultures. In some cultures people do little to avoid uncertainty, and they have little anxiety about not knowing what will happen next. In some other cultures, however, uncertainty is strongly avoided and there is much anxiety about uncertainty.

High-Ambiguity-Tolerant Cultures Members of high-ambiguity-tolerant cultures don’t feel threatened by unknown situations: Uncertainty is a normal part of life, and people accept it as it comes. The 10 countries with highest tolerance for ambiguity are Singapore, Jamaica, Denmark, Sweden, Hong Kong, Ireland, Great Britain, Malaysia, India, and the Philippines; the United States ranks 11th. Because high-ambiguity-tolerant culture members are comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty, they minimize the importance of rules governing communication and relation- ships (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010; Lustig & Koester, 2010). People in these cultures readily tolerate individuals who don’t follow the same rules as the cultural majority, and may even encourage different approaches and perspectives. Students from high-ambiguity-tolerant cultures appreciate freedom in education and pre- fer vague assignments without specific timetables. These students want to be rewarded for creativity and readily accept an instructor’s lack of knowledge.

VIEWPOINTS The theory of cultural imperialism argues that certain developed countries, such as those of North America and Western Europe, dominate the cultures of countries importing their products, especially their Internet and media. What do you think of the influence that media and the Internet are having on native cultures throughout the world? How do you evaluate this trend? Do you see advantages? How does this influence what you believe and feel about cultures other than your own?

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication40

Low-Ambiguity-Tolerant Cultures Members of low- ambiguity-tolerant cultures do much to avoid uncertainty and have a great deal of anxiety about not knowing what will happen next; they see uncertainty as threatening and as something that must be counteracted. The 10 countries with the lowest tolerance for ambiguity are Greece, Portugal, Gua- temala, Uruguay, Belgium, Malta, Russia, El Salvador, Poland, and Japan (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010).

Low-ambiguity-tolerant cultures create clear-cut rules for communication that must not be broken. For example, students from strong-uncertainty-avoidance cultures pre- fer highly structured experiences with little ambiguity; they prefer specific objectives, detailed instructions, and defi- nite timetables. An assignment to write a term paper on “anything” would be cause for alarm; it would not be clear or specific enough. These students expect to be judged on the basis of the right answers and expect the instructor to have all the answers all the time (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010).

Long- and Short-Term Orientation Another interesting distinction is that between long- and short-term orientation. Some cultures teach a long-term ori- entation, an orientation that promotes the importance of future rewards and so, for example, members of these cul- tures are more apt to save for the future and to prepare for the future academically (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). The most long-term oriented countries are South Korea, Taiwan, Japan, China, Ukraine, Germany, Estonia, Belgium, Lithuania,

and Russia. The United States ranks 69th out of 93 countries, making it less long-term than most countries. In these cultures, marriage is a practical arrangement rather than one based on sexual or emotional arousal, and living with extended family ( for example, in-laws) is com- mon and considered quite normal. These cultures believe that mothers should be at home with their children, that humility is a virtue for both men and women, and that old age should be a happy time of life. Cultures fostering a short-term orientation (Puerto Rico, Ghana, Egypt, Trinidad, Nigeria, Dominican Republic, Colombia, Iran, Morocco, and Zimbabwe are the top ten) look more to the past and the present. Instead of saving for the future, members of this culture spend their resources for the present and, not surprisingly, want quick results from their efforts. These cultures believe and teach that marriage is a moral arrange- ment, living with in-laws causes problems, children do not have to be cared for by their mothers (others can do that), humility is a virtue only for women (not men), and old age is an unpleasant time of life. These cultures also differ in their view of the workplace. Organizations in long-term- oriented cultures look to profits in the future. Managers or owners and workers in such cultures share the same values and work together to achieve a common good. Organiza- tions in short-term-oriented cultures, on the other hand, look to more immediate rewards. Managers and workers are very different in their thinking and in their attitudes about work. Even in educational outlook there are significant differences. Students in long-term cul- tures will attribute their success or failure in school to their own efforts, while students in short-term cultures will attribute their success or failure to luck or chance. Another perspective on this difference is offered by a study that asked Asian (long- term cultures) and American (short-term culture) executives to rank order those values they

VIEWPOINTS A current controversy in education centers on the teaching of evolution (humans evolved from earlier forms of animals) versus creationism (God created humans as they are now). Although the scientific evidence and most scien- tists support the teaching of evolution in schools, many influen- tial religious leaders have argued that creationism is an equally plausible explanation and have pressured some publishers to present evolution as just one theory and creationism as an- other (Lemonick, 2005b). How do you feel about this issue?

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chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 41

considered most important in the workplace. The top six responses are presented in Table 2.2 and show a dramatic difference between the two cultural groups.

Indulgence and Restraint Cultures also differ in their emphasis on indulgence or restraint (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). Cultures high in indulgence are those that emphasize the gratification of desires; they focus on having fun and enjoying life. Venezuela, Mexico, Puerto Rico, El Salvador, Nigeria, Colombia, Trinidad, Sweden, New Zealand, and Ghana are the top 10 in indulgence; the United States ranks 15th out of 93 countries, making it considerably more indulgent than most coun- tries. These cultures have more people who are happy, which depends on two major factors: n Life control. This is the feeling that you may do as you please (at least to a significant de-

gree), that you have freedom of choice to do or not do what you want. n Leisure. This is the feeling that you have leisure time to do what you find fun.

In addition, members of indulgent cultures have more positive attitudes, greater optimism, and are more likely to remember positive emotions. They also have a more satisfying family life and loose gender roles ( for example, household tasks are shared by both partners). Cultures high in restraint (Pakistan, Egypt, Latvia, Ukraine, Albania, Belarus, Lithuania, Bul- garia, Estonia, and Iraq are the top ten), on the other hand, are those that foster the curbing of such gratification and its regulation by social norms. Restraint cultures have more people who are unhappy: people who see themselves as lacking control of their own lives and with little or no leisure time to engage in fun activities. In contrast to indulgent cultures, members of cultures high in restraint are more cynical, pessimistic, and are less likely to remember positive emotions. They have less satisfying family lives, rigid gender roles, and an unequal distribution of household tasks. As you might expect, indulgent cultures do not place great value on thrift; instead the value is on spending to gratify one’s needs. Restrained cultures place a great value on thrift. Also pre- dictable is the finding that indulgent cultures place great importance on friendship and having lots of friends whereas restrained cultures place less importance on friendships. Although there are no studies offering evidence, it’s likely that the Facebook pages of indulgent culture

Values selected by asian (long-term Orientation) executives

Values selected by american (short-term Orientation) executives

Hard work

Respect for learning

Honesty

Openness to new ideas

Accountability

Self-discipline

Freedom of expression

Personal freedom

Self-reliance

Individual rights

Hard work

Personal achievement

Values of the WorkplaceTAbLE 2.2

This table presents the six highest ranked values (beginning with the highest ranked value) by Asian and American executives (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010). Notice that “hard work” makes both lists but in very different positions.

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication42

members will have a lot more friends than will those of members of restrained cultures. And, not so predictably perhaps, is the finding that death rates from cardiovascular diseases are significantly higher in restrained than in indulgent cultures, and significantly more indulgent culture members describe their health as “very good” (Hofstede, Hofstede, & Minkov, 2010).

Principles for Effective Intercultural Communication

Intercultural communication refers to communication between persons who have different cultural beliefs, values, or ways of behaving. The model in Figure 2.1 illustrates this concept. The circles represent the cultures of the individual communicators. The inner circles identify the communicators (the sources/receivers). In this model each communicator is a member of a different culture. In some instances the cultural differences are relatively slight—say, be- tween persons from Toronto and New York. In other instances the cultural differences are great—say, between persons from Borneo and Germany, or between persons from rural Nige- ria and industrialized England.

Working with interpersonal skills

How would you rate your own cultural sensitivity? Try to recall situations in which you were and situations in which you weren’t culturally sensitive. What happened in each? Can you identify one situation that could have been improved with the additional of cultural sensitivity?

Understanding Interpersonal Skills Cultural sensitiVitY

Cultural sensitivity is an attitude and way of behaving in which you’re aware of and acknowledge cultural differences; it’s crucial for such global goals as world peace and economic growth as well as for effective interpersonal communication (Franklin & Mizell, 1995). Without cultural sensitivity there can be no effective interpersonal com- munication between people who are different in gender or race or nationality or af- fectional orientation. So be mindful of the cultural differences between yourself and the other person. The techniques of interpersonal communication that work well with European Americans may not work well with Asian Americans; what proves effective in Japan might not in Mexico. The close physical distance that is normal in Arab cul- tures may seem too familiar or too intrusive in much of the United States and northern Europe. The empathy that most Americans welcome may be uncomfortable for most Koreans, Japanese, or Chinese.

increasing cultural Sensitivity. This chapter has identified many guidelines for more effective intercultural communication, and among them are recommendations that constitute the best advice for achieving cultural sensitivity:

n Prepare yourself. Read about and listen carefully for culturally influenced behaviors. n Recognize your fears. Recognize and face your own fears of acting inappropriately

toward members of different cultures. n Recognize differences. Be mindful of the differences between yourself and those

from other cultures. n Recognize differences within the group. At the same time that you recognize dif-

ferences between yourself and others, recognize that there are often enormous dif- ferences within any given cultural group.

n Recognize differences in meaning. Words don’t always mean the same thing to members of different cultures.

n Be rule conscious. Become aware of and thinking mindfully about the cultural rules and customs of others.

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 43

The following categories of communication all may be considered “intercultural” and can all be improved with the application of the general principles of intercultural communication discussed in this section: n Communication between cultures—for example, between Chinese and Portuguese, or be-

tween French and Norwegian individuals or groups n Communication between races (sometimes called interracial communication)—for exam-

ple, between people of African American and Asian American heritages n Communication between ethnic groups (sometimes called interethnic communication)—

for example, between Vietnamese Americans and German Americans n Communication between people of different religions—for example, between Roman

Catholics and Episcopalians, or between Muslims and Jews n Communication between nations (sometimes called international communication)—for

example, between the United States and Argentina, or between Lybia and Italy n Communication between smaller cultures existing within the larger culture—for example,

between doctors and patients, or between research scientists and the general public n Communication between a smaller culture and the dominant culture—for example,

between homosexuals and heterosexuals, or between older people and the younger majority

n Communication between genders—between men and women

Regardless of your own cultural background, you will surely come into close con- tact with people from a variety of other cultures—people who speak different languages, eat different foods, practice different religions, and approach work and relationships in very different ways. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a longtime resident or a newly arrived immi- grant: You are or soon will be living, going to school, working, and forming relationships with people who are from very different cul- tures. Your day-to-day interpersonal interactions are sure to become increasingly intercultural. Drawing on the work of numerous intercultural researchers, let’s con- sider several guidelines designed to increase the chances for effective in- tercultural communication (Barna, 1997; Lustig & Koester, 2010; Ruben, 1985; Spitzberg, 1991).

Messages

Messages

Source/ Receiver Source/ ReceiverEncoding/

Decoding Encoding/ Decoding

Culture Culture

Source/ Receiver Source/ Receiver Encoding/

Decoding Encoding/ Decoding

Figure 2.1 a Model of intercultural Communication This model of intercultural communication illustrates that culture is a part of every communication act. More specifically, it illustrates that the messages you send and the messages you receive will be influenced by your cultural beliefs, values, and attitudes. Note also that the circles overlap to some degree, illustrating that no matter how different the cultures of the two individuals are, there will always be some commonali- ties, some similarities, along with differences.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Putting Your Foot in Your Mouth At work you tell an ageist joke, only to discover later that it has been resented and clearly violated the organizational norms for polite and unbiased talk. What are some of the things you might you say to make this situation a little less awkward and less potentially damaging to your relationships with coworkers?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication44

Educate Yourself There’s no better preparation for intercultural communication than learning about the other culture. Fortunately, there are numerous sources to draw on. View a documentary or movie that presents a realistic view of the culture. Read material about the culture by per- sons from that culture as well as by “outsiders” (e.g., Foster, 2004). Scan magazines and web- sites from the culture. Talk with members of the culture. Chat in international chat rooms. GeoSurfTM from your Facebook page or from your browser. Another fun way to educate yourself is with geotagging, which enables you to access tweets from the part of the world you’re interested in to see what the people are doing and thinking about. Another way is to join a Facebook group focusing on the culture in which you’re interested. Read materials addressed to people who need to communicate with those from other cultures. Books on the subject include: Essential Do’s and Taboos: The Complete Guide to International Business and Leisure Travel (Axtell, 2007); Managing Cultural Differences: Global Leadership Strategies for Cross-Cultural Business Success (Moran, Harris, & Moran, 2010), Global Business Etiquette: A Guide to International Communication and Customs (Martin & Chaney, 2008); Managing Across Cultures: the Seven Keys to Doing Business With a Global Mindset (Solomon & Schell, 2009), Global Negotiation: The New Rules (Graham & Hernandez Requejo, 2008), and Dubai & Co.: Global Strategies for Doing Business In The Gulf States (Rehman, 2007). You can find a great many more such works at Amazon.com (www.amazon.com) or Barnes and Noble (www .bn.com), for example. Another part of this preparation is to recognize and face your own fears, which can stand in the way of effective intercultural communication (Gudykunst, 1994; Shelton & Richeson, 2005; Stephan & Stephan, 1985). For example, you may fear for your self-esteem. You may be- come anxious about your ability to control the intercultural situation, or you may worry about your own level of discomfort. You may fear saying something that will be considered politi- cally incorrect or culturally insensitive and thereby losing face. You may fear that you’ll be taken advantage of by a member of another culture. Depend- ing on your own stereotypes, you may fear being lied to, financially duped, or made fun of. You may fear that members of this other group will react to you negatively. You may fear, for example, that they will not like you or may disapprove of your attitudes or beliefs or perhaps even reject you as a person. Conversely, you may fear negative reactions from members of your own group. They might, for example, disapprove of your socializing with the culturally different. Some fears, of course, are reasonable. In many cases, however, such concerns are ground- less. Either way, they need to be assessed logically and their consequences weighed carefully. Then you’ll be able to make informed choices about your communications. Still another way to educate yourself is to understand and anticipate culture shock, a topic considered in the accompanying Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research box.

Recognize Differences To communicate interculturally you need to recognize the differences between yourself and people from other cultures, the differences within the other cultural group, and the numerous differences in meaning.

Differences between Yourself and the Culturally Different A common barrier to intercultural communication occurs when you assume that similarities exist and that differ- ences do not. This is especially true of values, attitudes, and beliefs. You might easily accept different hairstyles, clothing, and foods. In basic values and beliefs, however, you may assume that deep down all people are really alike. They aren’t. When you assume similarities and ig- nore differences, you’ll fail to notice important distinctions and when communicating will convey to others that your ways are the right ways and that their ways are not important to you. Consider this example. An American invites a Filipino coworker to dinner. The Filipino

See “Intercultural Communication Taboos” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com for additional examples of the problems you can get into when cultural expectations are violated. Have you violated any cultural taboos lately?

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 45

politely refuses. The American is hurt and feels that the Filipino does not want to be friendly. The Filipino is hurt and concludes that the invitation was not extended sincerely. Here, it seems, both the American and the Filipino assume that their customs for inviting people to dinner are the same when, in fact, they aren’t. A Filipino expects to be invited several times before accepting a dinner invitation. When an invitation is given only once it’s viewed as in- sincere. Here’s another example. An American college student hears the news that her favorite uncle has died. She bites her lip, pulls herself up, and politely excuses herself from the group of foreign students with whom she is having dinner. The Russian thinks: “How unfriendly.” The Italian thinks: “How insincere.” The Brazilian thinks: “How unconcerned.” To many Americans, it’s a sign of bravery to endure pain (physical or emotional) in silence

Working with Theories and Research

Among the ways recommended to manage the inevitable culture shock are: (1) Familiar- ize yourself with the host nation, (2) form friendship networks to assist you in adjusting, (3) interact with members of the culture and your hosts, and (4) be open to seeking professional help in adjusting to cultural problems (Constantine, Anderson, Berkel, Caldwell, & Utsey, 2005; Britnell, 2004; Chapdelaine & Alexitch, 2004). In what other ways might you effectively manage culture shock?

Culture shock is the psychological reaction you experience when you’re in a culture very different from your own (Ward, Bochner, & Furnham, 2001; Wan, 2004). Culture shock is normal; most people experience it when entering a new and different culture. Nevertheless, it can seem unpleasant and frustrating when you lack knowledge of the rules and customs of the new society. You may not know such basic things as how to ask someone for a favor or pay someone a compliment, how to ex- tend or accept an invitation for dinner, or how early or how late to arrive for an appointment. Culture shock occurs in four stages (Oberg, 1960). These stages are useful for examining many encounters with the new and the different. Going away to college, moving in with a romantic partner, or joining the military, for example, can also result in culture shock.

n Stage One: The Honeymoon. At first you experience fascination, even enchantment, with the new culture and its people.

n Stage Two: The Crisis. Here, the differences between your own cul- ture and the new setting create problems. Feelings of frustration and inadequacy come to the fore. This is the stage at which you experi- ence the actual shock of the new culture.

n Stage Three: The Recovery. During this period you gain the skills necessary to function effectively. You learn the language and ways of the new culture. Your feelings of inadequacy subside.

n Stage Four: The Adjustment. At this final stage, you adjust to and come to enjoy the new culture and the new experiences. You may still experience periodic difficulties and strains, but on the whole, the experience is pleasant.

People may also experience culture shock when they return to their orig- inal culture after living in a foreign culture, a kind of reverse culture shock (Jandt, 2004). Consider, for example, Peace Corps volunteers who work in rural and economically deprived areas. On returning to Las Vegas or Beverly Hills, they too may experience culture shock. A sailor who serves long periods aboard ship and then returns to an isolated farming com- munity may experience culture shock. In these cases, however, the recov- ery period is shorter and the sense of inadequacy and frustration is less.

Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research CultuRe ShoCk

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication46

and without any outward show of emotion. To members of other groups, such silence is often interpreted negatively to mean that the individual does not consider them friends who can share such sorrow. In many other cultures, people are expected to reveal to friends how they feel.

Differences within the Culturally Different Group Within every cultural group there are vast and important differences. As all Americans are not alike, neither are all Indonesians, Greeks, Mexicans, and so on. When you ignore these differences—when you assume that all per- sons covered by the same label (in this case a national or racial label) are the same—you’re guilty of stereotyping. A good example of this is seen in the use of the term “African American.” The term stresses the unity of Africa and of those who are of African descent and is analogous to “Asian American” or “European American.” At the same time, it ignores the great diversity within the Afri- can continent when, for example, it’s used as analogous to “German American” or “Japanese Amer- ican.” More analogous terms would be “Nigerian American” or “Ethiopian American.” Within each culture there are smaller cultures that differ greatly from each other and from the larger culture.

Differences in Meaning Meaning exists not in words but in people (a principle we’ll re- turn to in Chapter 5). Consider, for example, the differences in meaning that exist for words such as religion to a born-again Christian and an atheist, and lunch to a Chinese rice farmer and a Madison Avenue advertising executive. Even though the same word is used, its mean- ings will vary greatly depending on the listeners’ cultural definitions. The same is true of nonverbal messages. For example, a child who avoids eye contact with an adult may be seen in one culture as deference (the child is showing respect for the older person) and in another as disrespect or even defiance (the child is indicating a lack of concern for what the older person is saying).

Confront Your Stereotypes Stereotypes, especially when they operate below the level of conscious awareness, can create serious communication problems (Lyons & Kashima, 2003).

Originally, the word stereotype was a printing term that referred to the plate that printed the same image over and over. A sociological or psychological stereotype is a fixed impression of a group of people. Everyone has atti- tudinal stereotypes—images of national groups, religious groups, or racial groups or perhaps of criminals, prosti- tutes, teachers, or plumbers. Consider, for example, if you have any stereotypes of, say, bodybuilders, the op- posite sex, a racial group different from your own, mem- bers of a religion very different from your own, hard drug users, or college professors. It is very likely that you have stereotypes of several or perhaps even of all of these groups. Although we often think of stereotypes as nega- tive (“They’re lazy, dirty, and only interested in getting high”), stereotypes also may be positive (“They’re smart, hardworking, and extremely loyal”). If you have these fixed impressions, you may, on meeting a member of a particular group, see that person primarily as a member of that group. Initially this may provide you with some helpful orientation. However, it creates problems when you apply to that person all the characteristics you assign to members of that group without examining the unique individual. If you meet a politician, for example, you may have a host of character- istics for politicians that you can readily apply to this person. To complicate matters further, you may see in the person’s behavior the manifestation of various

VIEWPOINTS The stereotype of the male generally defines him as logical, decisive, aggressive, insensitive, unemotional, non- nurturing, talented mechanically, and impatient. The stereotype of the female generally defines her as illogical, variable, nurturing, emotional, sensitive, untalented mechanically, and impatient (Cicarelli & White, 2012). Do your acquaintances maintain any of these stereotypes? What are some of the implications of thinking through these stereotypes?

For a brief rant on stereotyping of men, see “Stereotyping in Cartoons,” etc., at tcbdevito .blogspot.com. Can you add any examples from your own experience where stereotyping was involved?

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 4747

characteristics that you would not see if you did not know that the person was a politician. In online communication, because there are few visual and auditory cues, it’s not surprising to find that people form impressions of online communication partners with a heavy reliance on stereotypes ( Jacobson, 1999). Consider, however, another kind of stereotype: You’re driving along a dark road and are stopped at a stop sign. A car pulls up beside you and three teenagers jump out and rap on your window. There may be a variety of possible explanations. Perhaps they need help or they want to ask directions. Or they may be about to engage in carjacking. Your self- protective stereotype may help you decide on “carjacking” and may lead you to pull away and into the safety of a busy service station. In doing that, of course, you may have escaped being carjacked—or you may have failed to help people who needed assistance. Stereotyping can lead to two major barriers. The tendency to group a person into a class and to respond to that person primarily as a member of that class can lead you to perceive that a person possesses certain qualities (usually negative) that you believe characterize the group to which he or she belongs. Then you will fail to appreciate the multifaceted nature of all people and all groups. For example, consider your stereotype of someone who is deeply into computers. Very likely your image is quite different from the research findings on such individuals, which show that in fact they are as often female as male and are as sociable, popular, and self-assured as their peers who are not into heavy computer use (Schott & Sel- wyn, 2000). Stereotyping also can lead you to ignore the unique characteristics of an individual; you therefore may fail to benefit from the special contributions each person can bring to an encounter.

Reduce Your Ethnocentrism Ethnocentrism is the tendency to see others and their behaviors through your own cultural filters, often as distortions of your own behaviors. It’s the tendency to evaluate the values, beliefs, and behaviors of your own culture as superior— as more positive, logical, and natural than those of other cultures. For example, highly ethnocen- tric individuals would think that other cultures should be more like theirs, that people from other cultures often don’t know what’s good for them, that the lifestyles of people in other countries are not as good as theirs, and that people from other cultures are not as smart or trustworthy as people from their own culture (Neuliep & McCroskey, 1997). To achieve effective interpersonal commu- nication, you need to see yourself and others as different but as neither inferior nor superior. You need to become aware of the potential blinders that ethnocentrism might impose—admittedly, not a very easily accomplished task. But ethnocentrism also can create consider- able problems. Although the research is not con- clusive, it appears that it may create obstacles to communication with those who are culturally dif- ferent from you. It can also lead to hostility toward outside groups and may blind you to seeing other perspectives, other values, other ways of doing things (Neuliep & McCroskey, 1997; Cashdan, 2001; Jörn, 2004). Ethnocentrism exists on a continuum (see Fig- ure 2.2, p. 48). People aren’t either ethnocentric or not ethnocentric; rather, most are somewhere between

VIEWPOINTS What other suggestions would you offer for de- creasing ethnocentrism, increasing cultural awareness and sensitivity, and making intercultural communication more satisfying and more pro- ductive?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication48

these polar opposites. Of course, your degree of ethnocentrism varies, depending on the group on which you focus. For example, if you’re Greek American, you may have a low degree of ethnocentrism when dealing with Italian Americans but a high degree when dealing with Turkish Americans or Japanese Americans. Most important for our purposes is that your de- gree of ethnocentrism (and we are all ethnocentric to at least some degree) will influence your interpersonal interactions. There is nothing wrong with classifying. In fact, it’s an extremely useful method of dealing with any complex matter; it puts order into thinking. The problem arises not from classifica- tion itself but from applying an evaluative label to a class and using that label as an “adequate” map for each and every individual in the group.

Adjust Your Communication Intercultural communication (in fact, all interpersonal communication) takes place only to the extent that one person can understand the mean- ings of the words and nonverbals cues of the other—that is, only to the extent that the two individuals share the same system of symbols. Because no two people share the identical meaning system for symbols, each person needs to adjust in all interpersonal interactions, but especially, perhaps, in intercultural interactions. Figure 2.3 illustrates the connection between degrees of cultural difference and the degree of adjustment that will be necessary for successful communication. Parents and children, for example, not only have different vocabularies but also, even more importantly, have different meanings for some of the terms they have in common. People in close relationships—either as intimate friends or as romantic partners—realize that learning the other person’s signals takes a long time and, often, great patience. If you want to understand what another person means—by smiling, by saying “I love you,” by ar-

Figure 2.2 The ethnocentric Continuum This figure summarizes some of the interconnections between ethnocentrism and communication. In this figure, five areas along the ethnocentrism continuum are identified; in reality, there are as many degrees as there are people. The “Communication Distances” are general terms that highlight the attitude that dominates that level of ethnocentrism. Under “Communications” are some of the major ways people might interact given their particular degree of ethnocentrism. Can you identify your own degree of ethnocentrism on this continuum? For example, are there groups toward which you have low ethnocentrism? Middle? High? What accounts for these differences? This figure draws on the work of several intercultural researchers (Lukens, 1978; Gudykunst & Kim, 1992; Gudykunst, 1991).

Communications

Lacks concern for others but is not hostile

Wants to decrease distance between self and others

Treats others as equals; evaluates other ways of doing things as equal to own ways

Engages in hostile behavior; belittles others; views own culture as superior to other cultures

Avoids and limits interpersonal interaction with others: prefers to be with own kind

Degree of Ethnocentrism

High

Low

Communication Distances

Disparagement

Equality

Sensitivity

Indifference

Avoidance

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 4949

Great

Small Great

Cultural Differences A

m o

u n

t o

f A d

ju st

m en

t

GreatFigure 2.3 Cultural Differences and interpersonal Adjustment As you can see from this diagram, the greater the cultural differences, the greater the communication adjustment you’ll need to make in order to accomplish your interpersonal goal. Try identifying a specific interpersonal encounter in which little adjustment would be necessary and another in which a great deal of adjustment would be necessary. In what ways are these situations different?

guing about trivial matters, by self-deprecating comments—you have to learn their system of signals. This principle is especially important in intercultural communication—largely because people from different cultures use different signals and/or use the same signals to signify quite different things. As previously mentioned, focused eye contact means honesty and openness in much of the United States. But in Japan and in many Hispanic cultures that same behavior may signify arrogance or disrespect if it occurs between a youngster and someone signifi- cantly older. Part of the art of intercultural communication is learning the other person’s signals, how they’re used, and what they mean. Furthermore, you have to share your own system of signals with others so that they can better understand you. Although some people may know what you mean by your silence or by your avoidance of eye contact, others may not. You cannot expect others to decode your behaviors accurately without help.

An interesting theory focusing on adjustment is communication accommodation theory. This theory holds that speakers will adjust to or accommodate the speaking style of their listeners to gain, for example, social approval and greater communication efficiency (Giles, 2008; Giles & Ogay, 2007). For example, research shows that when two people have a similar speech rate, they’re attracted more to each other than to people with dissimilar rates (Buller, Le- Poire, Aune, & Eloy, 1992). Another study found that roommates who had similar com- munication competence and were both low in verbal aggressiveness were highest in roommate liking and satisfaction (Martin & Anderson, 1995). People even accommodate in their e-mail. For example, responses to messages that contained politeness cues were significantly more polite than responses to e-mails that did not contain such cues (Bunz & Campbell, 2004). As you adjust your communications, recognize that each culture has its own rules and customs for communicating (Barna, 1997; Ru- ben, 1985; Spitzberg, 1991). These rules identify what is appropriate and what is inappropriate (Serewicz & Petronio, 2007). Thus, for ex- ample, in American culture you would call a person you wished to date three or four days in advance; in certain Asian cultures you might call the person’s parents weeks or even months in advance. In American culture you say, as a general friendly gesture and not as a specific invita-

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Misusing Linguistic Privilege You enter a group of racially similar people who are using terms normally considered offensive to refer to themselves. Trying to be one of the group, you too use such terms—but are met with extremely negative nonverbal feedback. What are some things you might say to lessen this negative reaction and to let the group know that you don’t normally use such racial terms?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication50

tion, “Come over and pay us a visit.” To members of other cultures, this comment is suffi- cient for the listeners to actually visit at their convenience. A good example of a series of rules for an extremely large and important culture appears in Table 2.3, “Interpersonal Com- munication Tips between People with and without Disabilities.”

Interpersonal CommunICatIon tIps Between people with and without DisabilitiesTAble 2.3

if you’re the person without a general disability:

Generally Specifically

Use person-first language where the person, rather than the disability, is emphasized.

Avoid terms that define the person as disabled. Avoid such expressions as “the disabled man” or “the handicapped child.” Instead, using “person-first” language, say “person with a dis- ability.”

Respect assistive devices, such as wheelchairs, canes, walkers, or crutches.

Don’t move these out of your way; they’re for the convenience of the person with the disability. Avoid leaning on a person’s wheelchair; it’s similar to leaning on a person.

Shake hands with the person with the disability if you shake hands with others in a group.

Don’t avoid shaking hands because the individual’s hand has lost some normal function, for example.

Avoid talking about the person with a disability in the third person.

For example, avoid saying, “Doesn’t he get around beautifully with the new crutches.” Direct your comments directly to the individual. Even if the person has an interpreter, direct your com- ments to the person with the disability, not the interpreter.

Here we look at communication between those with general disabilities—for example, people who use wheelchairs or who have cerebral palsy—and those who have no such disability. The suggestions offered here are considered appropriate in the United States, although not necessarily in other cultures. For example, most people in the United States accept the phrase “person with mental retardation,” but the term is considered offensive to many in the United Kingdom (Fernald, 1995).

Franklin Delano Roosevelt Stephen Hawking

Christopher Reeve

Trevor Snowden

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication 51

Use your smartphone or tablet device (or log on to mycommunicationlab.com) to hear an au- dio summary of Chapter 2.

This chapter explored the nature of culture and identified some key concepts and principles

that explain the role of culture in interpersonal communication.

Culture 1. Culture is the relatively specialized lifestyle of a group of

people (values, beliefs, artifacts, ways of behaving) that is passed from one generation to the next by means of com- munication, not through genes.

2. Enculturation is the process through which you learn the culture into which you’re born; ethnic identity is a com- mitment to the ways and beliefs of your culture; and ac- culturation is the process by which you learn the rules and norms of a culture that is different from your native cul- ture and that modifies your original or native culture.

3. An individual’s cultural beliefs and values will influence all forms of interpersonal communication and there- fore need to be considered in any full communication analysis.

4. Culture is especially relevant today because of the de- mographic changes, increased sensitivity to cultural variation, economic interdependency among nations, advances in communication technology which make inter- cultural communication easy and inexpensive, and the fact that communication effectiveness in one culture may not be effective in another.

Cultural Differences 5. In high-power-distance cultures, power is concentrated in

the hands of a few and there is a great difference between those with and those without power. In low-power-distance cultures, the power is more equally shared throughout the citizenry.

Summary

Don’t assume that people who have a disability are intellectu- ally impaired.

Slurred speech—such as may occur with people who have cere- bral palsy or cleft palate—should not be taken as indicating a low-level intellect. Be careful not to talk down to such individu- als as, research shows, many people do (Unger, 2001).

When you’re not sure of how to act, ask. For example, if you’re not sure if you should offer walking assis- tance, say, “Would you like me to help you into the dining room?” And, more important, accept the person’s response. If he or she says no, then that means no; don’t insist.

Maintain similar eye level. If the person is in a wheelchair, for example, it might be helpful for you to sit down or kneel down to get onto the same eye level.

If you’re the person with a general disability:

Communicate your feelings. For example, if you want someone to speak in a louder voice, ask. If you want to relax and have someone push your wheel- chair, say so.

Be patient and understanding. Many people mean well but may simply not know how to act or what to say. Put them at ease as best you can.

Demonstrate your own comfort. If you detect discomfort in the other person, you might talk a bit about your disability to show that you’re not uncomfortable about it—and that you understand that others may not know how you feel. But you’re under no obligation to educate the public, so don’t feel this is something you should or have to do.

Sources: These suggestions are based on a wide variety of sources, including www.empowermentzone.com/etiquet.txt (the website for the National Center for Access Unlimited), www.disabilityinfo.gov, www.drc.uga.edu, www.ndmig.com, and www.ucpa.org/.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication5252

Key Terms

acculturation, 30 ambiguity tolerance, 39 collectivist culture, 36 culture, 29 enculturation, 30 ethnic identity, 30 ethnocentrism, 50 feminine culture, 39

high-context culture, 36 high-power-distance

cultures, 38 individualist culture, 35 indulgence, 41 intercultural

communication, 42 low-context culture, 37

low-power-distance cultures, 38

long-term orientation, 40 masculine culture, 39 power distance, 38 restraint, 41 short-term orientation, 40 stereotype, 46

6. Highly masculine cultures view men as strong, assertive, and focused on success and view women as modest, ten- der, and focused on the quality of life. Highly feminine cul- tures view men and women more similarly.

7. Cultures differ greatly in their level of tolerance for ambiguity. 8. A collectivist culture emphasizes the group and sub-

ordinates the individual’s goals to those of the group. An individualist culture emphasizes the individual and subordinates the group’s goals to the individual’s.

9. In high-context cultures, much of the information is in the context; in low-context cultures, information is explicitly stated in the verbal message.

Principles for Effective Intercultural Communication 10. Intercultural communication is communication between

people who have different cultures, beliefs, values, and ways of behaving.

11. Some intercultural communication guidelines include: Educate yourself; recognize differences (between yourself and others, within the culturally different group, and in meanings); confront your stereotypes; reduce your ethno- centrism; and adjust your communication.

chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication

MyCommunicationLab Explorations

Communication Choice Points Revisit the chapter- opening video, “Meet the Family.” Recall from the video that Charles was meeting Mei Li’s extended family for the first time, and both he and Mei Le were a bit ner-

vous. “Meet the Family” explores the options you have for com- municating in a cultural setting that is different from the one you grew up in. Illustrated here are choices that are both effective and ineffective communication among friends, romantic part- ners, and families. Log on to mycommunicationlab.com to view the video for this chapter, “Meet the Family,” and then answer the related dis- cussion questions.

Additional Resources These exercises enable you to explore a wide variety of cultural issues and their relationships to interpersonal communication.

1 Random Pairs sets up specific intercultural dyads and asks you to consider how these dyads might influence communica- tion. 2 Cultural Beliefs asks you to examine some of your own cultural beliefs. 3 From Culture to Gender explores the relationship of culture to gender beliefs. 4 Cultural Identities lets you explore the strengths in the cultures represented by class members and others. 5 The Sources of Your Cultural Beliefs explores the origins of your own beliefs about a wide variety of issues. 6 Confronting Intercultural Obstacles presents situations that can cause intercultural conflict and asks you how you’d head off potential conflicts or resolve them.

53

C H A P T E R

The Self in Interpersonal Communication

Perception in Interpersonal Communication

Impression Formation

Impression Management: Goals and Strategies

54

3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication

Mike would like to ask Chloe, a classmate from his biology class, out on a date so that he can get to know her better. See how various strategies for how to approach her work out for him in the video, “Mike Tries to Get a Date” (www.mycommunicationlab.com).

55

Why read this chapter?

Because you’ll learn about: n self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem. n what is perception and how it operates. n how we form impressions of people on the basis of their communications.

Because you’ll learn to: n increase your self-awareness and self-esteem. n perceive people more accurately. n communicate the impressions we want others to have of us.

This chapter discusses two interrelated topics—the self (including self-concept, self- awareness, and self-esteem) and the nature of perception. Then these concepts are applied by looking at the ways in which you form impressions of others and how you

manage the impressions of self that you convey to others.

The Self in Interpersonal Communication Let’s begin this discussion by focusing on several fundamental aspects of the self: self-concept (the way you see yourself ), self-awareness (your insight into and knowledge about yourself ), and self-esteem (the value you place on yourself ). In these discussions you’ll see how these dimensions influence and are influenced by the way you communicate.

Self-Concept You no doubt have an image of who you are; this is your self-concept. It consists of your feel- ings and thoughts about your strengths and weaknesses, your abilities and limitations, and your aspirations and worldview (Black, 1999). Your self-concept develops from at least four sources: (1) the image of you that others have and that they reveal to you, (2) the comparisons you make between yourself and others, (3) the teachings of your culture, and (4) the way you interpret and evaluate your own thoughts and behaviors (see Figure 3.1, p. 56).

Others’ Images According to Charles Horton Cooley’s (1922) concept of the looking-glass self, when you want to discover, say, how friendly or how assertive you are, you look at the image of yourself that others reveal to you through the way they treat you and react to you (Hensley, 1996). You look especially to those who are most significant in your life. As a child, for example, you look to your parents and then to your teachers. As an adult, you may look to your friends, romantic partners, and colleagues at work. If these important others think highly of you, you’ll see this positive image of yourself reflected in their behaviors; if they think little of you, you’ll see a more negative image.

Social Comparisons Another way you develop your self-concept is by comparing yourself with others. When you want to gain insight into who you are and how effective or competent you are, you probably look to your peers. For example, after an examination you probably want to know how you performed relative to the other students in your class. If you play on a baseball team, it’s important to compare your batting average with those of others on the team. You gain an additional perspective when you see your score in comparison with the scores of your peers.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication56

On social media sites social comparisons are easy; you can compare the number of friends you and others have on Facebook or the number of followers you have on Twitter. Some web- sites provide social comparisons and indicate your rank in terms of influence in the Twitter- verse based on such factors as the number of times that others talk about you, a measure that is often very different from the number of followers. For example, as of March 2011, Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber were the two most followed persons on Twitter but neither made the top ten list in influence. Rafinha Bastos and Chad Ochochinco (two Brazilian celebrities) were the most influential—more people tweeted about them than about any others (Leonhardt, 2011). If you want to feel good about yourself, you may compare yourself to those you know are less effective than you. If you want a more accurate and objective assessment, you’d compare yourself with your peers, with others who are similar to you.

Cultural Teachings Through your parents, teachers, and the media, your culture instills in you a variety of beliefs, values, and attitudes—about success (how you define it and how you should achieve it); about your religion, race, or nationality; about the ethical principles you should follow in business and in your personal life. These teachings provide benchmarks against which you can measure yourself. For example, achieving what your culture defines as success will contribute to a positive self-concept. A perceived failure to achieve what your culture promotes ( for example, not being in a permanent relationship by the time you’re 30) may contribute to a negative self-concept.

Self-Evaluations Much in the way others form images of you based on what you do, you also react to your own behavior; you interpret and evaluate it. These interpretations and evaluations help to form your self-concept. For example, let us say you believe that lying is

Figure 3.1 The Sources of Self-Concept This diagram depicts the four sources of self-concept, the four contributors to how you see yourself : (1) others’ images of you; (2) social comparisons; (3) cultural teachings; and (4) your own observations, interpretations, and evaluations. As you read about self-concept, consider the influence of each factor throughout your life. Are the influences of each factor likely to change with age? For example, do the same factors influence you in the same way they did when you were a preteen? Which will likely influence you the most 25 or 30 years from now?

Self-Concept

Your Interpretations and Evaluations

How do I evaluate my own feelings and behaviors?

Social Comparisons How do I compare

to my peers?

Others’ Images How do significant

others see me?

Cultural Teachings How do I fulfill the

teachings of my culture?

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 57

wrong. If you lie, you will evaluate this behavior in terms of your internalized beliefs about lying. You’ll thus react nega- tively to your own behavior. You may, for example, experience guilt if your behavior contradicts your beliefs. In contrast, let’s say you tutor another student and help him or her pass a course. You will probably evaluate this behavior positively; you will feel good about this behavior and, as a result, about yourself.

Self-Awareness Your self-awareness represents the extent to which you know yourself. Understanding how your self-concept devel- ops is one way to increase your self-awareness: The more you understand about why you view yourself as you do, the more you will understand who you are. Additional insight is gained by looking at self-awareness through the Johari model of the self, or your four selves (Luft, 1984).

Your Four Selves Self-awareness is neatly explained by the model of the four selves—the Johari window. This model, pre- sented in Figure 3.2, has four basic areas, or quadrants, each of which represents a somewhat different self. The Johari model emphasizes that the several aspects of the self are not sepa- rate pieces but are interactive parts of a whole. Each part is dependent on each other part. Like that of interpersonal com- munication, this model of the self is transactional. Each person’s Johari window will be different, and each individual’s window will vary from one time to another and

VIEWPOINTS Do you engage in downward social com- parison (comparing yourself to those you know are inferior to you in some way) or in upward social comparison (com- paring yourself to those who you think are better than you) (Aspinwall & Taylor, 1993)? What are the purposes of these comparisons?

Known to Self Not Known to Self

K n

o w

n t

o O

th er

s N

o t

K n

o w

n to

O th

er s

Open Self Blind Self Information about yourself that you and others know

Information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know

Hidden Self Unknown Self

Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know

Information about yourself that neither you nor others know

Figure 3.2 The Johari Window Visualize this model as representative of yourself. The entire model is of constant size, but each section can vary from very small to very large. As one section becomes smaller, one or more of the others grows larger. Similarly, as one section grows, one or more of the others must get smaller. For example, if you reveal a secret and thereby enlarge your open self, this shrinks your hidden self. Further, this disclosure may in turn lead to a decrease in the size of your blind self (if your disclosure influences other people to reveal what they know about you but that you have not known). How would you draw your Johari window to show yourself when interacting with your parents? With your friends on Facebook or other social media site? With your college instructors? The name Johari, by the way, comes from the first names of the two people who developed the model, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.

Source: Group Processes: An Introduction to Group Dynamics, 3d ed. by Joseph Luft, 1984, p. 60. Reprinted by permission of Mayfield Publishing Company, Mountain View, CA.

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication58

from one interpersonal situation to another. Figure 3.3, for example, illustrates two possible configurations. n The open self represents all the information about you—behaviors, attitudes, feelings,

desires, motivations, and ideas—that you and others know. The type of information included here might range from your name, skin color, and sex to your age, political and religious affiliations, and financial situation. Your open self will vary in size depending on the situation you’re in and the person with whom you’re interacting. Some people, for example, make you feel comfortable and supported; to them, you open yourself wide, but to others you may prefer to leave most of yourself closed.

n The blind self represents all the things about you that others know but of which you’re igno- rant. These may include relatively insignificant habits like saying “You know,” gestures like rubbing your nose when you get angry, or traits such as a distinct body odor; they also may include things as significant as defense mechanisms, fight strategies, or repressed experiences.

n The hidden self contains all that you know of yourself and of others that you keep secret. In any interaction, this area includes everything you don’t want to reveal, whether it’s relevant or irrelevant to the conversation. At the extremes of the hidden-self spectrum, we have the overdisclosers and the underdisclosers. The overdisclosers tell all. They tell you their marital difficulties, their children’s problems, their financial status, and just about everything else. The underdisclosers tell nothing. They talk about you but not about themselves.

n The unknown self represents truths about yourself that neither you nor others know. Sometimes this unknown self is revealed through temporary changes brought about by special experimental conditions such as hypnosis or sensory deprivation. Sometimes this area is revealed by certain projective tests or dreams. Mostly, however, it’s revealed by the fact that you’re constantly learning things about yourself that you didn’t know before (things that were previously in the unknown self )—for example, that you become defen- sive when someone asks you a question or voices disagreement, or that you compliment others in the hope of being complimented back.

Growing in Self-Awareness Here are five ways you can increase your self-awareness: n Ask yourself about yourself. One way to ask yourself about yourself is to take an informal

“Who Am I?” test (Bugental & Zelen, 1950; Grace & Cramer, 2003). Title a piece of paper “Who Am I?” and write 10, 15, or 20 times “I am . . .” Then complete each of the sentences. Try not to give only positive or socially acceptable responses; just respond with what comes to mind first. Take another piece of paper and divide it into two columns; label one column “Strengths” and the other column “Weaknesses.” Fill in each column as quickly as possible. Using these first two tests as a base, take a third piece of paper, title it “Self-Improvement Goals,” and complete the statement “I want to improve my . . .” as many times as you can in five minutes. Because you’re constantly changing, these self-perceptions and goals also change, so update them frequently. Also, see the photo caption on page 59.

Open self Information about yourself that you and others know

Blind self Information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know

Unknown self Information about yourself that neither you nor others know

Hidden self Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know

Blind self Information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know

Open self Information about yourself that you and others know

Unknown self Information about yourself that neither you nor others know

Hidden self Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know

Figure 3.3 Johari Windows of Different Structures Notice that as one self grows, one or more of the other selves shrink. Assume that these models depict the self-awareness and self-disclosure of two different people. How would you describe the type of communication (especially self-disclosure) that might characterize each of these two people?

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 59

n Listen to others. You can learn a lot about yourself by seeing yourself as others do. In most interpersonal interactions, people comment on you in some way—on what you do, what you say, how you look. Sometimes these comments are explicit; most often they’re found in the way others look at you, in what they talk about, in their interest in what you say. Pay close attention to this verbal and nonverbal information.

n Actively seek information about yourself. Actively seek out information to reduce your blind self. You need not be so obvious as to say, “Tell me about myself ” or “What do you think of me?” But you can use everyday situations to gain self-information: “Do you think I was assertive enough when asking for the raise?” Or “Would I be thought too forward if I invited myself for dinner?” Do not, of course, seek this information constantly; your friends would quickly find others with whom to interact.

n See your different selves. Each person with whom you have an interpersonal relationship views you differently; to each you’re a somewhat different person. Yet you are really all of these selves, and your self-concept will be influenced by each of these views as they are reflected back to you in everyday interpersonal interactions. For starters, visualize how you’re seen by your mother, your father, your teachers, your best friend, the stranger you sat next to on the bus, your employer, your neighbor’s child. The experience will give you new and valuable perspectives on yourself.

n Increase your open self. When you reveal yourself to oth- ers and increase your open self, you also reveal yourself to yourself. At the very least, you bring into clearer focus what you may have buried within. As you discuss yourself, you may see connections that you had previously missed, and with the aid of feedback from others you may gain still more insight. Also, by increasing the open self you increase the likelihood that a meaningful and intimate dialogue will develop, which will enable you to get to know yourself better. This important process, called self-disclosure, is considered in Chapter 8, along with its advantages and disadvantages.

Self-Esteem Self-esteem is a measure of how valuable you think you are. If you have high self-esteem, you think highly of yourself; if you have low self-esteem, you tend to view yourself negatively. Before reading further about this topic, consider your own self-esteem by taking the accom- panying self-test, “How’s Your Self-Esteem?”

VIEWPOINTS Your cultural background will significantly influence your responses to this simple “Who Am I?“ test. In one study, for example, participants from Malaysia (a collec- tivist culture) and from Australia and Great Britain (individualist cultures) completed this test. Malaysians produced signifi- cantly more group self-descriptions and fewer idiocentric self-descriptions than did the Australian or British respondents (Bochner, 1994; also see Radford, Mann, Ohta, & Nakane, 1993). If you completed the “Who Am I?“ test, can you identify responses that were influenced by your cultural orientation, particularly your collectivist-individualist orientation? Did other cultural factors influence your statements?

Respond to each of the following statements with T for true if the statement describes you at least some significant part of the time, or with F for false if the statement describes you rarely or never.

_____ 1. Generally, I feel I have to be successful in all things. _____ 2. Several of my acquaintances are often critical or negative of what I do and how I think. _____ 3. I often tackle projects that I know are impossible to complete to my satisfaction.

How’s Your Self-esteem?Test Yourself

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication60

The basic idea behind self-esteem is that when you feel good about yourself—about who you are and what you’re capable of doing—you will perform better. When you think you’re a success, you’re more likely to act like you’re a success. Conversely, when you think you’re a failure, you’re more likely to act like you’re a failure. When you reach for the phone to ask the most popular student in the school for a date and you visualize yourself being successful and effective, you’re more likely to give a good impression. If, on the other hand, you think you’re going to forget what you want to say or stutter or say something totally stupid, you’re less likely to be successful. Here are five suggestions for increasing self-esteem that parallel the questions in the self-test.

Attack Self-Destructive Beliefs Challenge self-destructive beliefs—ideas you have about yourself that are unproductive or that make it more difficult for you to achieve your goals (Einhorn, 2006). Here, for example, are some beliefs that are likely to prove self-destructive (Butler, 1981):

n The belief that you have to be perfect; this causes you to try to perform at unrealistically high levels at work, school, and home; anything short of perfection is unacceptable.

n The belief that you have to be strong, which tells you that weakness and any of the more vulnerable emotions—like sadness, compassion, or loneliness—are wrong.

n The belief that you have to please others and that your worthiness depends on what others think of you.

n The belief that you have to hurry up; this compels you to do things quickly, to try to do more than can be reasonably expected in any given amount of time.

n The belief that you have to take on more responsibilities than any one person can be expected to handle.

These beliefs set unrealistically high standards, and therefore almost always end in failure. As a result, you may develop a negative self-image, seeing yourself as someone who constantly fails. So, replace these self-destructive beliefs with more productive ones, such as “I succeed in many things, but I don’t have to succeed in everything,” and “It would be nice to be loved by everyone, but it isn’t necessary to my happiness.” See Table 3.1 for a summary and comparison of these destructive beliefs and constructive counterparts.

Seek Out Nourishing People Psychologist Carl Rogers (1970) drew a distinction between noxious and nourishing people. Noxious people criticize and find fault with just about every- thing. Nourishing people, on the other hand, are positive and optimistic. Most important, they reward us, they stroke us, they make us feel good about ourselves. To enhance your self-esteem, seek out these people. At the same time, avoid noxious people—those who make you feel negatively about yourself. Seek to become more nourishing yourself so that you can build up others’ self-esteem.

_____ 4. When I focus on the past, I focus more often on my failures than on my successes and on my negative rather than my positive qualities.

_____ 5. I make little effort to improve my personal and social skills.

How Did You Do? “True“ responses to the questions would generally suggest ways of thinking that can get in the way of building positive self-esteem. “False“ responses would indicate that you are thinking much like a self-esteem coach would want you to think.

What Will You Do? The following discussion elaborates on these five issues and illustrates why each of them creates problems for the development of healthy self-esteem. So this text is a good starting place. You might also want to log on to the National Association for Self-Esteem’s website (http://www .self- esteem-nase.org). There you’ll find a variety of materials for examining and bolstering self-esteem.

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication

Identification with people similar to yourself also seems to increase self-esteem. For example, deaf people who identified with the larger deaf community had greater self-esteem than those who didn’t so identify ( Jambor & Elliott, 2005). Similarly, identification with your cultural group also seems helpful in fostering positive self-esteem (McDonald, McCabe, Yeh, Lau, Garland, & Hough, 2005).

Work on Projects That Will Result in Success Some people want to fail (or so it seems). Often, they select projects that will result in failure simply because these projects are impos- sible to complete. Avoid this trap and select projects that will result in success. Each success will help build your self-esteem. Each success, too, will make the next success a little easier. If a project does fail, recognize that this does not mean that you’re a failure. Everyone fails some- where along the line. Failure is something that happens to you; it’s not something you’ve cre- ated, and it’s not something inside you. Further, failing once does not mean that you will fail the next time. So learn to put failure in perspective.

Remind Yourself of Your Successes Some people have a tendency to focus on and to exaggerate their failures, their missed opportunities, their social mistakes. However, others witnessing these failures give them much less importance (Savitsky, Epley, & Gilovich, 2001). If your objective is to correct what you did wrong or to identify the skills that you need to correct these failures, then focusing on failures can have some positive value. But if you just focus on failure without forming any plans for correction, then you’re prob- ably just making life more difficult for yourself and limiting your self-esteem. To counter- act the tendency to recall failures, remind yourself of your successes. Recall these successes both intellectually and emotionally. Realize why they were successes, and relive the emotional experience when you sank that winning basketball, or aced that test, or helped that friend over- come personal problems. And while you’re at it, recall your positive qualities.

Secure Affirmation An affirmation is simply a statement asserting that something is true. In discussions of self-concept and self-awareness, the word affirmation is used to refer to positive statements about your- self, statements asserting that something good or positive is true of you. It’s frequently recommended that you remind yourself of your successes with

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Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Understanding Rejection You’ve asked several different people at school for a date, but so far all you’ve received have been rejections. Something’s wrong; you’re not that bad. What are some of your options for gaining insight into the possible reasons for these rejections?

Destructive Beliefs Constructive Beliefs

I need to be perfect. I’m not perfect, no one is; and I don’t need to be perfect, but I’m not bad.

I need to be strong. It’s nice to be strong sometimes but also nice to be able to show weakness.

I need to please everyone. It would be nice if I pleased everyone but that’s really impossible; besides, there’s no need to please everyone.

I need to hurry; I can’t waste time. I can stop and pause and not always be in a hurry.

I need to do more. There is a limit on what one person can do; I do what I can do and don’t do the rest.

Destructive and Constructive BeliefsTABlE 3.1

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication62

affirmations—that you focus on your good deeds; on your positive qualities, strengths, and virtues; and on your produc- tive and meaningful relationships with friends, loved ones, and relatives (Aronson, Cohen, & Nail, 1998; Aronson, Wilson, & Akert, 2007).

One useful way to look at self-affirmation is in terms of “I am,” “I can,” and “I will” statements (www.coping.org). n “I am” statements focus on your self-image—on how you

see yourself—and might include, for example, “I am a wor- thy person,” “I am responsible,” “I am capable of loving,” and “I am a good team player.”

n “I can” statements focus on your abilities and might include, for example, “I can accept my past but also let it go,” “I can learn to be a more responsive partner,” “I can assert myself when appropriate,” and “I can control my anger.”

n “I will” statements focus on useful and appropriate goals you want to achieve and might include, for example, “I will get over my guilty feelings,” “I will study more effectively,” “I will act more supportively,” and “I will not take on more responsibility than I can handle.”

The idea behind this advice is that the way you talk to yourself will influence what you think of yourself. If you affirm yourself—if you tell yourself that you’re a friendly per- son, that you can be a leader, that you will succeed on the next test—you will soon come to feel more positively about yourself. Some researchers, however, argue that such affirma- tions—although extremely popular in self-help books—

may not be very helpful. These critics contend that if you have low self-esteem, you’re not going to believe your self-affirmations because you don’t have a high opinion of yourself to begin with (Paul, 2001). According to this view, the alternative to self-affirmation is secur- ing affirmation from others. You’d do this by, for example, becoming more interpersonally competent and interacting with more positive people. In this way, you’d get more positive feedback from others—which, these researchers argue, is more helpful than self-talk in raising self-esteem.

Perception in Interpersonal Communication

Perception is the process by which you become aware of objects, events, and especially peo- ple through your senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Perception is an active, not a passive, process. Your perceptions result both from what exists in the outside world and from your own experiences, desires, needs and wants, loves and hatreds. Among the reasons per- ception is so important in interpersonal communication is that it influences your communi- cation choices. The messages you send and listen to will depend on how you see the world, on how you size up specific situations, on what you think of yourself and of the people with whom you interact. Interpersonal perception is a continuous series of processes that blend into one another. For convenience of discussion we can separate interpersonal perception into five stages: (1) You sense, you pick up some kind of stimulation; (2) you organize the stimuli in some

VIEWPOINTS Despite its intuitive value, self-esteem has its critics (for example, Bushman & Baumeister, 1998; Baumeister, Bushman, & Campbell, 2000; Bower, 2001; Coover & Murphy, 2000; Hewitt, 1998; Epstein, 2005). Some researchers argue that high self-esteem is not necessarily desirable: It does nothing to improve academic performance, does not predict success, and may even lead to antisocial (even aggressive) behavior. Interest- ingly enough, a large number of criminals and delinquents are found to have high self-esteem. And conversely, many people who have low self-esteem have become quite successful in all fields (Owens, Stryker, & Goodman, 2002). How do you feel about the benefits or liabilities of self-esteem?

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication

way; (3) you interpret and evaluate what you perceive; (4) you store it in memory; and (5) you retrieve it when needed.

Stage One: Stimulation At this first stage, your sense organs are stimulated—you hear a new CD, see a friend, smell someone’s perfume, taste an orange, receive an instant message, feel another’s sweaty palm. Naturally, you don’t perceive everything; rather, you engage in selective perception, a gen- eral term that includes selective attention and selective exposure: n In selective attention, you attend to those things that you anticipate will fulfill your needs

or will prove enjoyable. For example, when daydreaming in class, you don’t hear what the instructor is saying until your name is called. Your selective attention mechanism then focuses your senses on your name.

n Through selective exposure, you expose yourself to people or messages that will con- firm your existing beliefs, contribute to your objectives, or prove satisfying in some way. For example, after you buy a car, you’re more apt to read and listen to advertisements for the car you just bought because these messages tell you that you made the right decision. At the same time, you’ll likely avoid advertisements for the cars that you considered but eventually rejected, because these messages would tell you that you made the wrong decision.

Stage Two: Organization At the second stage, you organize the information your senses pick up. Three interesting ways in which people organize their perceptions are by rules, by schemata, and by scripts. Let’s look at each briefly.

Working with Theories and research

Listen carefully to people around you and read their Facebook posts and tweets with the just world hypothesis in mind. Do the people you’re listening to assume the world is just? How do they do it?

Many people believe that the world is just: Good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people (Aronson, Wilson, & Akert, 2007; Hunt, 2000). Put differently, you get what you deserve! Even when you mindfully dismiss this assumption, you may use it mindlessly when perceiving and evaluating other people. Consider a particularly vivid example: In certain cultures if a woman is raped (for example, in Bangladesh, Iran, or Yemen), she is considered by many in that culture (certainly not all) to have disgraced her family and to be deserving of severe punishment—in many cases, even death. And although you may claim that this is unfair, much research shows that even in the United States many people do, in fact, blame the victim for being raped, especially if the victim is male (Adams- Price, Dalton, & Sumrall, 2004; Anderson, 2004). The belief that the world is just creates perceptual distortions by leading us to deemphasize the influence of situational factors and to overemphasize the influence of internal factors in our attempts to explain the behaviors of other people or even our own behaviors.

Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research THe JuST WorlD HYpoTHeSiS

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication

Organization by Rules In the organization of perceptions by rules, one frequently used rule is that of proximity or physical closeness: Things that are physically close to each other are perceived as a unit. Thus, using this rule, you will tend to perceive people who are often together, or messages spoken one immediately after the other, as units, as belonging together. Another rule is similarity: Things that are physically similar (they look alike) are perceived as belonging together and forming a unit. This principle of similarity may lead you to see people who dress alike as belonging together. Similarly, you may assume that people who work at the same jobs, who are of the same religion, who live in the same building, or who talk with the same accent belong together. The rule of contrast is the opposite of similarity: When items (people or messages, for example) are very different from each other, you conclude that they don’t belong together; they’re too different from each other to be part of the same unit. If you’re the only one who shows up at an informal gathering in a tuxedo, you’ll be seen as not belonging to the group because you contrast too much with the other people present.

Organization by Schemata Another way you organize material is by creating schemata, mental templates that help you organize the millions of items of information you come into contact with every day (as well as those you already have in memory). A stereotype—discussed in greater detail in Chapter 2—is a type of schema. Schemata, the plural of schema (though schemas seems to be used in many texts), may thus be viewed as general ideas about people (e.g., about Pat and Chris, Japanese people, Baptists, Texans); about yourself (your qualities, abilities, liabilities); or about social roles (the characteristics of a police officer, professor, mul- tibillionaire CEO). You develop schemata from your own experience—actual as well as via television, reading, the Internet, and hearsay. You might have a schema for college athletes, for example, and this might

include an image of college athletes as strong, ambitious, aca- demically weak, and egocentric.

Organization by Scripts A script is really a type of schema, but because it’s a different type, it’s given a differ- ent name. A script is an organized body of information about some action, event, or procedure. It’s a general idea of how some event should play out or unfold; it’s the rules governing events and their sequence. For example, you probably have a script for eating in a restaurant, with the actions organized into a pattern something like this: Enter, take a seat, review the menu, order from the menu, eat your food, ask for the bill, leave a tip, pay the bill, exit the restau- rant. Similarly, you probably have scripts for how you do laundry, how an interview is to be conducted, the stages you go through in introducing someone to someone else, and the way you ask for a date.

As you can see, rules, schemata, and scripts are useful short- cuts to simplify your understanding, remembering, and recalling information about people and events. They also enable you to generalize, make connections, and otherwise profit from previously acquired knowledge. If you didn’t have these shortcuts, you’d have to treat every person, role, or action differently from each other person, role, or action. This would make every experience a new one, totally unre- lated to anything you already know. As you’ll see in the next stage, these shortcuts may mislead you; they may contrib- ute to your remembering things that are consistent with

VIEWPOINTS You’ve probably developed schemata for different religious, racial, and national groups; for men and women; and for people of different affectional orientations. Each of the groups that you have some familiarity with will be represented in your mind by schemata. These schemata help you organize your perceptions by enabling you to classify mil- lions of people into a manageable number of categories or classes. What do you see as the advantages and disadvantages of schemata? If you do see disadvantages, how might you counteract their effects?

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chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 65

your schemata (even if they didn’t occur) and to your distorting or forgetting information that is inconsistent.

Stage Three: Interpretation–Evaluation The interpretation–evaluation step in perception (a combined term because the two pro- cesses cannot be separated) is greatly influenced by your experiences, needs, wants, values, and beliefs about the way things are or should be; expectations, physical and emotional state; and so on. Your interpretation–evaluation will be influenced by your rules, schemata, and scripts as well as by your gender; for example, women have been found to view others more positively than men (Winquist, Mohr, & Kenny, 1998). For example, on meeting a new person who is introduced to you as Ben Williams, a college football player, you’re likely to apply your schema for athletes to this person and view him as strong, ambitious, academically weak, and egocentric. You will, in other words, see this person through the filter of your schema and evaluate him according to your schema for college ath- letes. Similarly, when viewing someone performing some series of actions (say, eating in a restaurant), you apply your script to this event and view the event through the script. You will interpret the actions of the diner as appropriate or inappropriate depending on your script for this behavior and the ways in which the diner performed the sequence of actions. Judgments about members of other cultures are often ethnocentric—because your sche- mata and scripts are created on the basis of your own cultural beliefs and experiences, you can easily (but inappropriately) apply these to members of other cultures. And so it’s easy to infer that when members of other cultures do things that conform to your own scripts, they’re right; and when they do things that contradict your scripts, they’re wrong—a classic example of eth- nocentric thinking. This tendency can easily contribute to intercultural misunderstandings. A similar problem arises when you base your scripts for different cultural groups on stereo- types that you may have derived from television or movies. For example, you may have sche- mata for religious Muslims that you derived from the stereotypes presented in the media. If you apply these schemata to all Muslims, you risk interpreting what you see through these schemata and distorting what does not conform.

Stage Four: Memory Your perceptions and their interpretations–evaluations are put into memory; they’re stored so that you may ultimately retrieve them at some later time. So, for example, you have in memory your schema for college athletes and the fact that Ben Williams is a football player. Ben Williams is then stored in memory with “cognitive tags” that tell you that he’s strong, ambitious, academi- cally weak, and egocentric. Despite the fact that you’ve not witnessed Ben’s strength or ambitions and have no idea of his academic record or his psychological profile, you still may store your memory of Ben along with the qualities that make up your schema for “college athletes.” Now let’s say that at different times you hear that Ben failed Spanish I, normally an A or B course at your school; that Ben got an A in chemistry (normally a tough course); and that Ben is transferring to Harvard as a theoretical physics major. Schemata act as filters or gatekeepers; they allow certain information to get stored in relatively objective form, much as you heard or read it, and may distort other information or prevent it from getting stored. As a result, these three items of information about Ben may get stored very differently in your memory. For example, you may readily store the information that Ben failed Spanish, because it’s consistent with your schema; it fits neatly into the template you have of college athletes. Infor- mation that’s consistent with your schema—as in this example—strengthens your schema and make it more resistant to change (Aronson, Wilson, & Akert, 2007). Depending on the strength of your schema, you may also store in memory (even though you didn’t hear it) that Ben did poorly in other courses as well. The information that Ben got an A in chemistry, because it contradicts your schema (it just doesn’t seem right), may easily be distorted or lost. The infor- mation that Ben is transferring to Harvard, however, is a bit different. This information is also

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inconsistent with your schema, but it is so drastically inconsistent that you begin to look at this mindfully and may even begin to question your schema or perhaps view Ben as an excep- tion to the general rule. In either case, you’re going to etch Ben’s transferring to Harvard very clearly in your mind.

Stage Five: Recall The recall stage involves accessing the information you have stored in memory. Let’s say that at some later date you want to retrieve your information about Ben, because he’s the topic of discus- sion among you and a few friends. As we’ll see in our discussion of listening in the next chapter, memory isn’t reproductive; you don’t simply reproduce what you’ve heard or seen. Rather, you reconstruct what you’ve heard or seen into a whole that is meaningful to you—depending in great part on your schemata and scripts. It’s this reconstruction that you store in memory. When you want to retrieve this information, you may recall it with a variety of inaccuracies: n You’re likely to recall information that is consistent with your schema; in fact, you may not

even be recalling the specific information (say, about Ben) but may actually just be recalling your schema (which contains information about college athletes and, because of this, also about Ben).

n But you may fail to recall information that is inconsistent with your schema; you have no place to put that information, so you easily lose it or forget it.

n However, you may recall information that drastically contradicts your schema, because it forces you to think (and perhaps rethink) about your schema and its accuracy; it may even force you to revise your schema for college athletes in general.

Impression Formation Impression formation (sometimes referred to as person perception) consists of a variety of processes that you go through in forming an impression of another person. Each of these perception processes has pitfalls and potential dangers. Before reading about these processes that you use in perceiving other people, examine your own perception strategies by taking the accompanying self-test, “How Accurate Are You at People Perception?”

Respond to each of the following statements with T if the statement is usually or generally true (accurate in describing your behavior), or with F if the statement is usually or generally false (inaccu- rate in describing your behavior).

______ 1. I make predictions about people’s behaviors that generally prove to be true. ______ 2. When I know some things about another person, I can pretty easily fill in what I don’t know. ______ 3. Generally my expectations are borne out by what I actually see; that is, my later perceptions

usually match my initial expectations. ______ 4. I base most of my impressions of people on the first few minutes of our meeting. ______ 5. I generally find that people I like possess positive characteristics and people I don’t like possess

negative characteristics. ______ 6. I generally take credit for the positive things that happen and deny responsibility for the

negative things. ______ 7. I generally attribute people’s attitudes and behaviors to their most obvious physical or psycho-

logical characteristic. ______ 8. When making judgments about others I emphasize looking to their personality rather than to

the circumstances or context.

How Accurate Are You at people perception?Test Yourself

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 67

Impression Formation Processes The way in which you perceive another person and ultimately come to some kind of evalua- tion or interpretation of this person is not a simple logical sequence. Instead, your perceptions seem to be influenced by a variety of processes. Here we consider some of the more significant: the self-fulfilling prophecy, implicit personality theory, perceptual accentuation, primacy– recency, consistency, and attribution of control.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that comes true be- cause you act on it as if it were true. Put differently, a self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when you act on your schema as if it were true and in doing so make it true. Self-fulfilling prophecies occur in such widely different situations as parent–child relationships, educational settings, and business (Merton, 1957; Rosenthal, 2002; Madon, Guyll, & Spoth, 2004; Tierney & Farmer, 2004). There are four basic steps in the self-fulfilling prophecy:

1. You make a prediction or formulate a belief about a person or a situation. For example, you predict that Pat is friendly in interpersonal encounters.

2. You act toward that person or situation as if that pre- diction or belief were true. For example, you act as if Pat were a friendly person.

3. Because you act as if the belief were true, it becomes true. For example, because of the way you act toward Pat, Pat becomes comfortable and friendly.

4. You observe your effect on the person or the resulting situation, and what you see strengthens your beliefs. For example, you observe Pat’s friendliness and this reinforces your belief that Pat is in fact friendly.

The self-fulfilling prophecy also can be seen when you make predictions about yourself and fulfill them. For exam- ple, suppose you enter a group situation convinced that the other members will dislike you. Almost invariably you’ll be proved right; the other members will appear to you to dislike you. What you may be doing is acting in a way that encour- ages the group to respond to you negatively. In this way, you fulfill your prophecies about yourself.

How Did You Do? This brief perception test was designed to raise questions to be considered in this chapter, not to provide you with a specific perception score. All statements refer to perceptual processes that many people use but that often get us into trouble, leading us to form inaccurate impressions. The questions refer to several processes to be discussed below: the self-fulfilling prophecy (statement 1), implicit personality theory (2), perceptual accentuation (3), primacy–recency (4), and consistency (5). Statements 6, 7, and 8 refer to the barriers we encounter as we attempt to determine motives for other people’s and even our own behaviors: self-serving bias, overattribution, and the fundamental attribution error.

What Will You Do? As you read this chapter, think about these processes and consider how you might use them more accurately and not allow them to get in the way of accurate and reasonable people perception. At the same time, recognize that situations vary widely and that strategies for clearer percep- tion will prove useful most of the time but not all of the time. In fact, you may want to identify situations in which you shouldn’t follow the suggestions that this text will offer.

VIEWPOINTS Although most of the research on the self- fulfilling prophecy illustrates its distorting effect on behavior, consider how you might go about using the self-fulfilling prophecy to encourage behaviors you want to increase in strength and frequency. For example, what might you do to encourage persons who are fearful of communicating to speak up with greater confidence? What might you do to encourage people who are reluctant to self-disclose to reveal more of their inner selves?

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Self-fulfilling prophecies can short-circuit critical thinking and influence others’ behavior (or your own) so that it conforms to your prophecies. As a result, you may see what you pre- dicted rather than what is really there ( for example, you may perceive yourself as a failure because you have predicted it rather than because of any actual failures).

Implicit Personality Theory Each person has a subconscious or implicit theory that says which characteristics of an individual go with other characteristics. Consider, for example, the following brief statements. Note the word in parentheses that you think best completes each sentence.

n Carlo is energetic, eager, and (intelligent, unintelligent). n Kim is bold, defiant, and (extroverted, introverted). n Joe is bright, lively, and (thin, heavy). n Eve is attractive, intelligent, and (likable, unlikable). n Susan is cheerful, positive, and (outgoing, shy). n Angel is handsome, tall, and ( friendly, unfriendly).

What makes some of these choices seem right and others wrong is your implicit personality theory, the system of rules that tells you which characteristics go together. Your theory may, for example, have told you that a person who is energetic and eager is also intelligent, not stupid— although there is no logical reason why a stupid person could not be energetic and eager. The widely documented halo effect is a function of the implicit personality theory (Dion, Berscheid, & Walster, 1972; Riggio, 1987). If you believe a person has some positive qualities, you’re likely to infer that she or he also possesses other positive qualities. There is also a reverse halo (or “horns”) effect: If you know a person possesses several negative qualities, you’re more likely to infer that the person also has other negative qualities. For example, you’re more likely to perceive attractive people as more generous, sensitive, trust- worthy, and interesting than those less attractive. And the “horns effect” or “reverse halo

effect” will lead you to perceive those who are unattractive as mean, dishonest, antisocial, and sneaky (Katz, 2003). In using implicit personality theories, apply them care- fully and critically so as to avoid perceiving qualities in an individual that your theory tells you should be present but aren’t, or seeing qualities that are not there (Plaks, Grant, & Dweck, 2005).

Perceptual Accentuation When poor and rich children were shown pictures of coins and later asked to estimate their size, the poor children’s size estimates were much greater than the rich children’s. Similarly, hungry people need fewer visual cues to perceive food objects and food terms than do people who are not hungry. This process, called perceptual accentuation, leads you to see what you expect or want to see. You see people you like as better looking and smarter than those you don’t like. You magnify or accentuate what will satisfy your needs and desires: The thirsty person sees a mirage of water, the sexually deprived person sees a mirage of sexual satisfaction. Perceptual accentuation can lead you to perceive what you need or want to perceive rather than what is really there, and to fail to perceive what you don’t want to perceive. For example, you may not perceive signs of impending relation- ship problems, because you’re only seeing what you want to see. Another interesting distortion created by perceptual accentuation is that you may perceive certain behaviors as

VIEWPOINTS Racial profiling (where the police focus on members of specific races as possible crime suspects) has been widely reported and condemned as racist. In the aftermath of the September 11, 2001, attacks, profiling of Muslims and of people who looked “Arab“ became viewed by many as neces- sary for preventing further acts of terrorism. And it still is in many quarters throughout the country. How do you feel about racial, ethnic, or religious profiling?

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indicative that someone likes you simply because you want to be liked. For example, you view general politeness and friendly behavior used as a persuasive strategy (say, by a salesperson) as an indication that the person genuinely likes you.

Primacy–Recency Assume for a moment that you’re enrolled in a course in which half the classes are extremely dull and half extremely exciting. At the end of the semester, you evalu- ate the course and the instructor. Will your evaluation be more favorable if the dull classes occurred in the first half of the semester and the exciting classes in the second? Or will it be more favorable if the order is reversed? If what comes first exerts the most influence, you have a primacy effect. If what comes last (or most recently) exerts the most influence, you have a recency effect. In the classic study on the effects of primacy–recency in interpersonal perception, college students perceived a person who was described as “intelligent, industrious, impulsive, critical, stubborn, and envious” more positively than a person described as “envious, stubborn, critical, impulsive, industrious, and intelligent” (Asch, 1946). Notice that the descriptions are identical; only the order was changed. Clearly, we have a tendency to use early information to get a gen- eral idea about a person and to use later information to make this impression more specific. The initial information helps us form a schema for the person. Once that schema is formed, we’re likely to resist information that contradicts it. One interesting practical implication of primacy–recency is that the first impression you make is likely to be the most important—and is likely to be made very quickly (Sunnafrank & Ramirez, 2004; Willis & Todorov, 2006). The reason for this is that the schema that others form of you func- tions as a filter to admit or block additional information about you. If the initial impression or schema is positive, others are likely (1) to readily remember additional positive information because it confirms this original positive image or schema; (2) to easily forget or distort negative information because it contradicts this original positive schema; and (3) to interpret ambiguous information as positive. You win in all three ways—if the initial impression is positive. Our tendency to give greater weight to early information and to interpret later informa- tion in light of early impressions can lead us to formulate a total picture of an individual on the basis of initial impressions that may not be typical or accurate. For example, if you judge a job applicant as generally nervous when he or she may simply be showing normal nervousness at being interviewed for a much- needed job, you will have misperceived this individual. Similarly, this tendency can lead you to discount or distort subsequent perceptions so as not to disrupt your initial impression or upset your original schema. For example, you may fail to see signs of deceit in someone you like because of your early impression that this person is a good and honest individual.

Consistency The tendency to maintain balance among perceptions or attitudes is called consistency (McBroom & Reed, 1992). People expect certain things to go together and other things not to go together. On a purely intuitive basis, for example, respond to the following sentences by noting your expected response.

1. I expect a person I like to (like, dislike) me. 2. I expect a person I dislike to (like, dislike) me. 3. I expect my friend to (like, dislike) my friend. 4. I expect my friend to (like, dislike) my enemy. 5. I expect my enemy to (like, dislike) my friend. 6. I expect my enemy to (like, dislike) my enemy.

According to most consistency theories, your expectations would be as follows: You would expect a person you liked to like you (1) and a person you disliked to dislike you (2). You would expect a friend to like a friend (3) and to dislike an enemy (4). You would expect your enemy

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Reversing a First Impression You made a really bad first impression in your interpersonal communication class. You meant to be sarcastically funny but came off as merely sarcastic. What are some of the things you might say and do to lessen the impact of this first impression?

For politeness as it relates to customer–server relationships, see “Drugstore Politeness“ and “Eye Contact“ at tcbdevito.blogspot .com. How do you view politeness between customer and server?

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to dislike your friend (5) and to like your other enemy (6). All these expectations are intui- tively satisfying. Further, you would expect someone you liked to possess characteristics you liked or admired and would expect your enemies not to possess characteristics you liked or admired. Conversely, you would expect people you liked to lack unpleasant characteristics and those you disliked to possess unpleasant characteristics. Uncritically assuming that an individual is consistent can lead you to ignore or distort perceptions that are inconsistent with your picture of the whole person. For example, you may misinterpret Karla’s unhappiness because your image of Karla is “happy, controlled, and contented.”

Attribution of Control Research on attribution shows that another way in which we form impressions is through the attribution of control. For example, suppose you invite your friend Desmond to dinner for 7:00 p.m. and he arrives at 9:00. Consider how you would re- spond to each of these reasons:

Reason 1: “I just couldn’t tear myself away from the beach. I really wanted to get a great tan.”

Reason 2: “I was driving here when I saw some young kids mugging an old couple. I broke it up and took the couple home. They were so frightened that I had to stay with them until their children arrived. Their phone was out of order and my cell bat- tery died, so I had no way of calling to tell you I’d be late.”

Reason 3: “I got in a car accident and was taken to the hospital.”

Depending on the reason, you would probably attribute very different motives to Des- mond’s behavior. With reasons 1 and 2, you’d conclude that Desmond was in control of his behavior (the reasons were internal). With reason 3, you’d conclude that he was not in control of his behavior (the reason was external and not under Desmond’s control). Further, you would probably respond negatively to reason 1 (Desmond was selfish and inconsiderate) and positively to reason 2 (Desmond was a Good Samaritan). Because Desmond was not in control of his behavior in reason 3, you would probably not attribute either positive or negative moti- vation to his behavior. Instead, you would probably feel sorry that he got into an accident. You probably make similar judgments based on control in numerous situations. Consider, for example, how you would respond to the following situations:

n Doris fails her history midterm exam. n Sidney’s car is repossessed because he failed to keep up the payments. n Margie has developed high blood pressure and is complaining that she feels awful. n Thomas’s wife has just filed for divorce and he is feeling depressed.

You would most likely be sympathetic to each of these people if you felt that he or she was not in control of what happened; for example, if the examination was unfair, if Sidney lost his job because of employee discrimination, if Margie’s blood pressure was caused by some inher- ited physiological problem, and if Thomas’s wife wanted to leave him for a wealthy drug dealer. On the other hand, you probably would not be sympathetic if you felt that these people were in control of what happened; for example, if Doris partied instead of studying, if Sidney gam- bled his payments away, if Margie ate nothing but salty junk food and refused to exercise, and if Thomas had been repeatedly unfaithful and his wife finally gave up trying to reform him. In perceiving and especially in evaluating other people’s behavior, you frequently ask if they were in control of the behavior. Generally, research shows that if you feel a person was in con- trol of negative behaviors, you’ll come to dislike him or her. If you believe the person was not in control of negative behaviors, you’ll come to feel sorry for and not blame the person. In your attribution of control—or in attributing motives on the basis of any other reasons ( for example, hearsay or observations of the person’s behavior) beware of several potential errors: (1) the self-serving bias, (2) overattribution, and (3) the fundamental attribution error.

For an interesting application of perception research and theory, see “Perceiving Nonverbal Cues“ at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. In what other fields would knowledge of nonverbal behavior prove useful?

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1. We exhibit the self-serving bias when we take credit for the positive and deny responsibility for the nega- tive. For example, you’re more likely to attribute your positive outcomes (say, you get an A on an exam) to internal and controllable factors—to your personality, intelligence, or hard work. And you’re more likely to attribute your negative outcomes (say, you get a D) to external and uncontrollable factors—to the exam’s being exceptionally difficult or to your roommate’s party the night before (Bernstein, Stephan, & Davis, 1979; Duval & Silva, 2002).

2. Overattribution is the tendency to single out one or two obvious characteristics of a person and attribute everything that person does to this one or these two characteristics. For example, if a person is blind or was born into great wealth, there’s often a tendency to attribute everything that person does to such fac- tors. And so you might say, “Alex overeats because he’s blind,” or “Lillian is irresponsible because she never had to work for her money.” To avoid overat- tribution, recognize that most behaviors and person- ality characteristics result from lots of factors. You almost always make a mistake when you select one factor and attribute everything to it.

3. The fundamental attribution error occurs when we assess someone’s behavior but overvalue the contribution of internal factors ( for example, a per- son’s personality) and undervalue the influence of external factors ( for example, the context or situation the person is in). The funda- mental attribution error leads us to conclude that people do what they do because that’s the kind of people they are, not because of the situation they’re in. When Pat is late for an appointment, for example, you’re more likely to conclude that Pat is inconsiderate or irresponsible than to attribute the lateness to a bus breakdown or a traffic accident.

Increasing Accuracy in Impression Formation Successful interpersonal communication depends largely on the accuracy of the impressions you form of others. We’ve already seen the potential barriers that can arise with each of the perceptual processes, such as the self-serving bias or overattribution. In addition to avoiding these barriers, here are additional ways to increase your accuracy in impression formation.

Analyze Impressions Subject your perceptions to logical analysis, to critical thinking. Here are two suggestions: n Recognize your own role in perception. Your emotional and physiological state will

influence the meaning you give to your perceptions. A movie may seem hysterically funny when you’re in a good mood but just plain stupid when you’re in a bad mood. Understand your own biases; for example, do you tend to perceive only the positive in people you like and only the negative in people you don’t like?

n Avoid early conclusions. On the basis of your observations of behaviors, formulate hypoth- eses to test against additional information and evidence; avoid drawing conclusions that you then look to confirm. Look for a variety of cues pointing in the same direction. The more cues point to the same conclusion, the more likely your conclusion will be correct. Be especially alert to contradictory cues that seem to refute your initial hypotheses. At the same time,

VIEWPOINTS Writers to advice columnists generally attribute their problems to external sources (the economy, an inconsiderate partner), whereas the columnists’ responses often focus on internal sources (what has the writer done or not done); and their advice is therefore directed at the writer (you shouldn’t have done that, apologize, get out of the relation- ship) (Schoeneman & Rubanowitz, 1985). Do you observe the same pattern when people discuss their problems with you, whether face-to-face, in letters, or in e-mail? Do you generally respond in the same ways as the advice columnists?

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seek validation from others. Do others see things in the same way you do? If not, ask yourself if your perceptions may be distorted in some way.

Check Perceptions Perception checking is another way to reduce uncertainty and to make your perceptions more accurate. The goal of perception checking is to further explore the thoughts and feelings of the other person, not to prove that your initial perception is cor- rect. With this simple technique, you lessen your chances of misinterpreting another’s feel- ings. At the same time, you give the other person an opportunity to elaborate on his or her thoughts and feelings. In its most basic form, perception checking consists of two steps:

1. Describe what you see or hear, recognizing that descriptions are not really objective but are heavily influenced by who you are, your emotional state, and so on. At the same time, you may wish to describe what you think is happening. Try to do this as descriptively (not evaluatively) as you can. Sometimes you may wish to offer several possibilities.

n You’ve called me from work a lot this week. You seem concerned that everything is all right at home.

n You’ve not wanted to talk with me all week. You say that my work is fine, but you don’t seem to want to give me the same responsibilities that other research assistants have.

2. Seek confirmation: Ask the other person if your description is accurate. Avoid mind reading; that is, don’t try to read the thoughts and feelings of another person just from observing their behaviors. Regardless of how many behaviors you observe and how

carefully you examine them, you can only guess what is going on in someone’s mind. A person’s motives are not open to outside inspec- tion; you can only make assumptions based on overt behaviors. So be careful that your request for confirmation does not sound as though you already know the answer. Avoid phrasing your questions defen- sively; for example, “You really don’t want to go out, do you? I knew you didn’t when you turned on that lousy television.” Instead, ask for confir- mation in as supportive a way as possible.

n Would you rather watch TV? n Are you worried about me, or the kids? n Are you displeased with my work? Is there anything I can do to im-

prove my job performance?

Reduce Uncertainty In every interpersonal situation there is some degree of uncertainty. A variety of strategies can help reduce uncertainty (Berger & Bradac, 1982; Gudykunst, 1993; Brashers, 2007). n Observing another person while he or she is engaged in an active task, preferably interact-

ing with others in an informal social situation, will often reveal a great deal about the per- son, as people are less apt to monitor their behaviors and more likely to reveal their true selves in informal situations.

n You can sometimes manipulate situations so as to observe the person in more specific and revealing contexts. Employment interviews, theatrical auditions, and student teach- ing are good examples of situations arranged to provide an accurate view of the person in action.

n When you log on to an Internet chat group and lurk, reading the exchanges between the other group members before saying anything yourself, you’re learning about the people in the group and about the group itself, thus reducing uncertainty. When uncertainty is reduced, you’re more likely to make contributions that will be appropriate to the group and less likely to violate the group’s norms.

n Learn about a person through asking others. You might inquire of a colleague if a third person finds you interesting and might like to have dinner with you.

n Interact with the individual. For example, you can ask questions: “Do you enjoy sports?” “What did you think of that computer science course?” “What would you do if you got

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Mutual Attraction Testing You’ve become attracted to another student in your class but don’t know if it’s mutual. In what ways might you use the suggestions discussed here for increasing your own accuracy in perceiving whether or not the attraction is mutual?

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 73

fired?” You also gain knowledge of another by revealing information about yourself, which encourages the other person to also talk about himself or herself.

Increase Cultural Sensitivity Cultural sensitivity—recognizing and being sensitive to cultural differences—will help increase your accuracy in perception. For example, Russian or Chinese artists such as ballet dancers will often applaud their audience by clapping. Ameri- cans seeing this may easily interpret this as egotistical. Similarly, a German man will enter a restaurant before the woman in order to see if the place is respectable enough for the woman to enter. This simple custom can easily be interpreted as rude when viewed by peo- ple from cultures in which it’s considered courteous for the woman to enter first (Axtell, 2007). Within every cultural group there are wide and important differences. As all Americans are not alike, neither are all Indonesians, Greeks, or Mexicans. When you make assumptions that all people of a certain culture are alike, you’re thinking in stereotypes. Recognizing differ- ences between another culture and your own, and among members of the same culture, will help you perceive situations more accurately. Cultural sensitivity will help counteract the difficulty most people have in understanding the nonverbal messages of people from other cultures. For example, it’s easier to interpret the facial expressions of members of your own culture than those of members of other cul- tures (Weathers, Frank, & Spell, 2002). This “in-group advantage” will assist your percep- tional accuracy for members of your own culture but will often hinder your accuracy for members of other cultures (Elfenbein & Ambady, 2002). The suggestions for improving intercultural communication offered in Chapter 2 (pp. 42–49) are applicable to increasing your cultural sensitivity in perception. For example, educate yourself; reduce uncertainty; recognize differences (between yourself and people from other cultures, among members of other cultures, and between your meanings and the meanings that people from other cultures may have); confront your stereotypes; and adjust your communication.

Impression Management: Goals and Strategies

Impression management (some writers use the term “self- presentation” or “identity management”) has to do with the processes you go through to communicate the image of your- self that you want others to have of you. The impression you make on others is largely the result of the messages you communicate. In the same way that you form impressions of others largely on the basis of how they communicate, verbally and nonverbally, you also convey an impression of yourself through what you say (your verbal messages) and how you act and dress, as well as how you decorate your office or apartment (your nonverbal messages). Communication messages, however, are not the only means for impression formation and management. For example, you also communicate your self-image by the people with whom you associate (and judge others the same way); if you associ- ate with A-list people, then surely you must be A-list yourself, the theory goes. Also, as illustrated in the discussion of stereo- types, you may form an impression of someone on the basis of that person’s age, gender, or ethnic origin. Or you may rely on what others have said about the person and form impressions

VIEWPOINTS What one suggestion for increasing accuracy in impression formation do you wish others would follow more often when they make judgments about you?

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that are consistent with these comments. And, of course, the others may do the same in form- ing impressions of you. Part of the art and skill of interpersonal communication is to understand and be able to manage the impressions you give to others; mastering the art of impression management will enable you to present yourself as you want others to see you—at least to some extent. The strategies you use to achieve this desired impression will depend on your specific goal. Here is an interpersonal typology of seven major communication goals and strategies of impres- sion management. As you read about these goals and strategies, and about how these strategies can backfire, consider your own attempts to communicate the “right” impression to others and what you do (that is, the strategies you use) to achieve this unique kind of communication.

To Be Liked: Immediacy, Affinity-Seeking, and Politeness Strategies

If you want to be liked—say, you’re new at school or on the job and you want to be well-liked, to be included in the activities of other students or work associates, and to be thought of highly by these other people—you’ll likely use three sets of strategies. Immediacy strategies are those that connect you and the other person; these immediacy strategies are discussed in the Understanding Interpersonal Skills box in Chapter 6 (p. 150). The other two sets of strate- gies for being liked are affinity-seeking and politeness strategies.

Affinity-Seeking Strategies As you can see from examining the list of affinity-seeking strategies that follows, the use of these techniques is likely to increase your chances of being liked (Bell & Daly, 1984). Such strategies are especially important in initial interactions, and their use by teachers has even been found to increase student motivation (Martin & Rubin, 1998; Myers & Zhong, 2004; Wrench, McCroskey, & Richmond, 2008). n Be of help to Other (the other person). n Appear to be “in control” as a leader, as one who takes charge. n Present yourself as socially equal to Other. n Present yourself as comfortable and relaxed when with Other. n Allow Other to assume control over relational activities. n Follow the cultural rules for polite, cooperative conversation with Other. n Appear active, enthusiastic, and dynamic. n Stimulate and encourage Other to talk about himself or herself; reinforce disclosures and

contributions of Other. n Ensure that activities with Other are enjoyable and positive. n Include Other in your social activities and groupings. n Show that your relationship with Other is closer than it really is.

n Listen to Other attentively and actively. n Communicate interest in Other. n Engage in self-disclosure with Other. n Appear optimistic and positive rather than pessimistic and negative. n Appear to Other as an independent and freethinking individual. n Appear to Other as being as physically attractive as possible. n Appear to Other as an interesting person to get to know. n Appear as someone who is able to reward Other for associating with you. n Show respect for Other, and help Other to feel positively about himself or

herself. n Arrange circumstances so that you and Other come into frequent contact. n Communicate warmth and empathy to Other. n Demonstrate that you share significant attitudes and values with Other. n Communicate supportiveness in Other’s interpersonal interactions. n Appear to Other as honest and reliable.

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice. —George Eliot

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 75

And, not surprisingly, plain old flattery goes a long way toward making you liked. Flattery has also been found to increase your chances for success in a job interview, increase the tip a cus- tomer is likely to leave, and even increase your perceived credibility (Varma, Toh, & Pichler, 2006; Seiter, 2007; Vonk, 2002).

Politeness Strategies We can view politeness strategies, which are often used to make ourselves appear likeable, in terms of negative and positive types (Goffman, 1967; Brown & Levinson, 1987; Holmes 1995; Goldsmith, 2007). Both of these types of politeness are respon- sive to two needs that we each have:

(1) positive face—the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably, and

(2) negative face—the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish.

Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, refers to behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face; and impoliteness refers to behaviors that attack either positive face ( for example, you criticize someone) or negative face ( for example, you make demands on someone).

Working with interpersonal Skills

On a 10-point scale, how would you rate your general other-orientation (give yourself a 10 if you are always and everywhere other-oriented)? Can you identify situations in which you are especially likely to forget other-orientation? In what ways might you become more other-oriented?

Understanding Interpersonal Skills oTHer-orienTATion

Other-orientation is a quality of interpersonal effectiveness that includes the ability to adapt your messages to the other person (Spitzberg & Hecht, 1984; Dindia & Timmerman, 2003). The more accurately you perceive another person, the more effectively you’ll be able to adapt your own messages. It involves communicating attentiveness to and interest in the other person and genuine interest in what the person says.

Communicating Other-Orientation. You’ll recognize the following behaviors in those with whom you enjoy talking. As you read these suggestions you’ll note that these are also likely to serve the impression formation function of being liked.

n Show consideration. Demonstrate respect; for example, ask if it’s all right to dump your troubles on someone before doing so, or ask if your phone call comes at a good time.

n Acknowledge the other person’s feelings as legitimate. Expressions such as “You’re right“ or “I can understand why you’re so angry“ help focus the interaction on the other person and confirm that you’re listening.

n Acknowledge the other person. Recognize the importance of the other person. Ask for suggestions, opinions, and clarification. This will ensure that you under- stand what the other person is saying from that person’s point of view.

n Focus your messages on the other person. Use open-ended questions to involve the other person in the interaction (as opposed to questions that merely ask for a yes or no answer), and make statements that directly address the person. Use focused eye contact and appropriate facial expressions; smile, nod, and lean toward the other person.

n Grant permission. Let the other person know that it’s OK to express (or to not express) her or his feelings. A simple statement such as “I know how difficult it is to talk about feelings“ opens up the topic of feelings and gives the other person per- mission either to pursue such a discussion or to say nothing.

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To help another person maintain positive face, you speak respectfully to and about the person, you give the person your full attention, you say “excuse me” when appropriate. In short you treat the person as you would want to be treated. In this way you allow the person to maintain positive face through what is called positive politeness. You attack the person’s positive face when you speak disrespectfully about the person, ignore the person or the person’s comments, and fail to use the appropriate expressions of politeness, such as “Thank you” and “Please.” To help another person maintain negative face, you respect the person’s right to be autonomous and so you request, rather than demand, that they do something; you say, “Would you mind opening a window” rather than “Open that window!” You might also give the person an “out” when making a request, allowing the person to reject your request if that is what the person wants. And so you say, “If this is a bad time, please tell me, but I’m really strapped and could use a loan of $100” rather than “Loan me a $100” or “You have to lend me $100.” If you want a recommendation, you might say, “Would it be possi- ble for you to write me a recommendation for graduate school?” rather than “You have to write me a recommendation for graduate school.” In this way you enable the person to maintain negative face through what is called negative politeness. Of course, we do this almost automatically, and asking for a favor without any consideration for the person’s negative face needs would seems totally insensitive. In most situations, however, this type of attack on negative face often appears in more subtle forms. For example, your mother saying “Are you going to wear that?”—to use Deborah Tannen’s (2006) example—attacks negative face by criticizing or challenging your autonomy. This comment also attacks positive face by questioning your ability to dress properly. Like all the strategies discussed here, politeness, too, may have negative consequences. Over-politeness, for example, is likely to be seen as phony and is likely to be resented. Over-politeness will also be resented if it’s seen as a persuasive strategy.

To Be Believed: Credibility Strategies Let’s say you’re a politician and you want people to vote for you or to support a particular proposal you’re advancing. In this case you’ll probably use credibility strategies—a concept

Impression-management strategies may also be used unethically and for less than noble purposes. For example, people may use affinity-seeking strategies to get you to like them so that they can extract favors from you. Politicians frequently portray themselves as credible (when they are not) in order to win votes. The same could be said of the stereotypical used-car salesperson or insurance agent trying to make a sale. Some peo- ple use self-handicapping strategies or self-deprecating strategies to get you to see their behavior from a perspective that benefits them rather than you. Self-monitoring strate- gies are often deceptive, and are designed to present a more polished image than one that might come out without this self-monitoring. And, of course, influence strategies have been used throughout history in deception as well as in truth. Even image confirm- ing strategies can be used to deceive, as when people exaggerate their positive qualities (or make them up) and hide their negative ones.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication THe eTHiCS oF impreSSion mAnAgemenT EthiCal ChOiCE POint

You’re interviewing for a job you really want and you need to be perceived as credible and likeable. What are your ethical choices for presenting yourself as both credible and likeable?

VIEWPOINTS There is a neg- ative effect that can result from the use of affinity-seeking strategies— as there is for all of the strategies discussed in this section. Using affinity-seeking strategies too often or in ways that may appear insin- cere may lead people to see you as attempting to ingratiate yourself for your own advantage and not really meaning “to be nice.“ Can you identify examples from your own interpersonal experiences?

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication

that goes back some 2300 years (to the ancient Greek and Roman rhetoricians) and is supported by contemporary research—and seek to establish your competence, your character, and your charisma. For example, to establish your competence, you may mention your great educational background or the courses you took that qualify you as an expert. To establish that you’re of good character, you may mention how fair and honest you are or speak of your con- cern for enduring values or your concern for others. And to establish your charisma—your take-charge, positive personality—you may demonstrate enthusiasm, be emphatic, or focus on the positive while minimizing the negative. Additional methods for being believed are offered in Chapter 12 (pp. 320–321). Of course, if you stress your competence, character, and charisma too much, you risk being perceived as too eager—as someone who is afraid of being exposed as lacking the very quali- ties that you seek to present to others. For example, generally, people who are truly competent need say little directly about their own competence; their knowledgeable, insightful, and logi- cal messages reveal their competence.

To Excuse Failure: Self-Handicapping Strategies If you were about to tackle a difficult task and were concerned that you might fail, you might use what are called self-handicapping strategies. In the more extreme type of self- handicapping strategy, you actually set up barriers or obstacles to make the task impossible so that when you fail, you won’t be blamed or thought ineffective—after all, the task was impossible. Let’s say you aren’t prepared for your interpersonal communication exam and you feel you’re going to fail. Well, using this extreme type of self-handicapping strategy, you might go out and party the night before so that when you do poorly in the exam, you can blame it on the all-night party rather than on your intelligence or knowledge. The less ex- treme type involves manufacturing excuses for failure and having them ready if you do fail. “The exam was unfair” is one such popular excuse. Or you might blame a long period with- out a date on your being too intelligent or too shy or too poor, or blame a poorly cooked dinner on your defective stove. Using self-handicapping strategies too often may lead people to see you as incompetent or foolish—after all, partying late into the night before an exam for which you are already unpre- pared doesn’t make a whole lot of sense; very likely this would reflect negatively on your over- all competence.

To Secure Help: Self-Deprecating Strategies If you want to be taken care of and protected or simply want someone to come to your aid, you might use self-deprecating strategies. Confessions of incompetence and inability often bring assistance from others. And so you might say, “I just can’t fix that drain and it drives me crazy; I just don’t know anything about plumbing,” with the hope that the other person will offer help. But be careful: Using self-deprecating strategies may convince people that you are in fact as incompetent as you say you are. Or people may see you as someone who doesn’t want to do something and so con- fesses incompetence to get others to do it for you. This is not likely to get you help in the long run.

To Hide Faults: Self-Monitoring Strategies Much impression management is devoted not merely to presenting a pos- itive image but to suppressing the negative via self-monitoring strate- gies. Here you carefully monitor (self-censor) what you say or do. You

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Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Face-to-Face You’ve been communicating with Pat over the Internet for the past seven months, and you finally have decided to meet for coffee. You really want Pat to like you. What impression-manage- ment strategies might you use?

For a discussion of the functions of politeness, see “The Communica- tion Functions of Politeness“ at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. What function do you think is most important? Are there other functions that should be added here?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication

avoid your normal slang so as to make your colleagues think more highly of you; you avoid chewing gum so you don’t look juvenile or unprofessional. While you readily disclose favor- able parts of your experience, you actively hide the unfavorable parts. But, if you self-monitor too often or too obviously, you risk being seen as unwilling to reveal your true self, perhaps because you don’t trust others enough to feel comfortable disclosing your weaknesses as well as your strengths. In more extreme cases you may be seen as dishon- est, or as trying to fool other people.

To Be Followed: Influencing Strategies In many instances you’ll want to get people to see you as a leader, as someone to be fol- lowed in thought and perhaps in behavior. Here you can use a variety of influencing strategies. One set of such strategies are those normally grouped under power. So, for example, to gain influence you may stress your knowledge (information power); your expertise (expert power); and/or your right to lead by virtue of your position as, say, a doctor or judge or accountant (legitimate power). These “bases of power” are discussed in greater detail in Chapter 12 (pp. 317–320). Another set of influencing strategies are those of leadership, in which you might stress your prior experience, your broad knowl- edge, or your previous successes. Influencing strategies, too, can easily backfire. If your influence attempts fail—for whatever reason—you will lose general influence. That is, if you try but fail to influence someone, you’ll be seen to have less power than before you tried the failed influence attempt. And, of course, if you’re perceived as trying to influence others for self-gain, your persuasive attempts are likely to be rejected and perhaps seen as self-serving and resented.

To Confirm Self-Image: Image-Confirming Strategies

At times you communicate to confirm your self-image. For example, if you see yourself as the life of the party, you’ll tell jokes and try to amuse people. In doing so you’d be using image-confirming strategies. Your behaviors confirm your own self-image. By engaging in image confirming behaviors, you’ll also let others know that this is who you are, this is how you want to be seen. At the same time that you reveal aspects of yourself that confirm your desired image, you will probably suppress revealing aspects of yourself that would disconfirm this image. If you use image-confirming strategies too frequently, however, you risk being seen as “too perfect to be for real.” If you try to project an all-positive image, it’s likely to turn people off— people want to see their friends and associates as having some faults, some imperfections. Also recognize that image-confirming strategies invariably involve your talking about your- self, and with that comes the risk of appearing self-absorbed.

A knowledge of these impression-management strategies and the ways in which they are effective and ineffective will give you a greater number of choices for achieving such widely diverse goals as being liked, being believed, excusing failure, securing help, hiding faults, being followed, and confirming your self-image. At the same time, recognize that these very same impression-management strategies may be used unethically and for less-than-noble purposes. For example, people may use affinity-seeking strategies to get you to like them so that they can extract favors from you. In order to get votes, politicians frequently present themselves as credible (competent,

VIEWPOINTS There is some evidence that we attri- bute less credibility to people who have accents than we do to people who don’t (Lev-Ari & Keysar, 2010). Does your experience support this? Can you think of exceptions? For example, might the chef who speaks with a French accent be seen as having more cred- ibility than one without a French accent?

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chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication

Use your smartphone or tablet device (or log on to mycommunicationlab.com) to hear an audio summary of Chapter 3.

This chapter looked at the ways in which you perceive yourself and other people and how you

manage the perception of yourself that you communicate to others.

The Self in Interpersonal Communication 1. Self-concept is the image you have of who you are. Sources

of self-concept include others’ images of you, social com- parisons, cultural teachings, and your own interpretations and evaluations.

2. Self-awareness is your knowledge of yourself—the extent to which you know who you are. A useful way of looking at self-awareness is with the Johari window, which consists of four parts. The open self holds information known to self and others; the blind self holds information known only to others; the hidden self holds information known only to self; and the unknown self holds information known to neither self nor others.

3. To increase self-awareness, ask yourself about yourself, lis- ten to others, actively seek information about yourself, see your different selves, and increase your open self.

4. Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself—your per- ceived self-worth.

5. To increase self-esteem, try attacking your self-destructive beliefs, seeking affirmation, seeking out nourishing peo- ple, and working on projects that will result in success.

Perception in Interpersonal Communication 6. Perception is the process by which you become aware of

objects and events in the external world.

7. Perception occurs in five stages: (1) stimulation, (2) orga- nization, (3) interpretation–evaluation, (4) memory, and (5) recall.

Impression Formation 8. Six important processes influence the way you form impres-

sions: Self-fulfilling prophecies may influence the behaviors of others; implicit personality theory allows you to conclude that certain characteristics go with certain other character- istics; perceptual accentuation may lead you to perceive what you expect to perceive instead of what is really there; primacy–recency may influence you to give extra impor- tance to what occurs first (a primacy effect) and may lead you to see what conforms to this judgment and to distort or otherwise misperceive what contradicts it; the tendency to seek and expect consistency may influence you to see what is consistent and not to see what is inconsistent; and attri- butions, through which you try to understand the behaviors of others, are made in part on the basis of your judgment of control.

9. Among the major errors of attribution are the self-serving bias, overattribution, and the fundamental attribution error.

10. In increasing your accuracy in impression formation: Ana- lyze your impressions and recognize your role in percep- tion; check your impressions; reduce uncertainty; and become culturally sensitive by recognizing the differences between you and others and also the differences among people from other cultures.

Impression Management: Goals and Strategies 1. Among the goals and strategies of impression management

are: to be liked (immediacy, affinity-seeking, and politeness

Summary

moral, and charismatic) when in fact they are not. And of course the same could be said of the stereotypical used-car salesperson or the insurance agent. Some people will use self-handicapping strategies or self-deprecating strategies to get you to see their behavior from a perspective that benefits them rather than you. Self-monitoring strategies are most often deceptive and are designed to present a more polished image than one that might come out without this self-monitoring. And, of course, influence strategies have throughout history been used in deception as well as in truth. Even image-confirming strategies can be used to deceive, as when people exaggerate their positive qualities (or make them up) and hide their negative traits.

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MyCommunicationLab Explorations

Communication Choice Points Revisit the chapter- opening video, “Mike Tries to Get a Date.” Recall from the video scenario that Mike is not always successful when asking girls for a date. Mike is an aver- age guy, who is pleas-

ant and reasonably good-looking, but he often gets rejected and isn’t sure why. “Mike Tries to Get a Date” looks at how Mike’s own

self-expectations and impression-management skills affect the outcome of this interaction. Log on to mycommunicationlab.com to view the video for this chapter, “Mike Tries to Get a Date,” and then answer the related discussion questions.

Additional Resources These exercises enable you to further explore the concepts of the self and perception, discussed in this chapter.

1 How Can You Attack Self-Defeating Impulses? asks you to consider your own self-destructive beliefs and how you deal with them. Other exercises focus on sensitizing you to the

Key Terms

affinity-seeking strategies, 74 affirmation, 61 attribution, 70 consistency, 69 contrast, rule of, 64 credibility strategies, 76 cultural sensitivity, 73 fundamental attribution error, 71 halo effect, 68 image-confirming strategies, 78 immediacy strategies, 74 implicit personality theory, 68 impression formation, 66 impression management, 73 influencing strategies, 78 interpretation–evaluation, 65

negative face, 75 other-orientation, 75 overattribution, 71 perception, 62 perception checking, 72 perceptual accentuation, 68 politeness strategies 75 positive face, 75 primacy effect, 69 primacy–recency, 69 proximity, rule of, 64 recall, 66 recency effect, 69 reverse halo (or “horns”) effect, 68 rules, 64 schema, 64

schemata, 64 script, 64 selective attention, 63 selective exposure, 63 selective perception, 63 self-awareness, 57 self-concept 55 self-deprecating strategies, 77 self-destructive beliefs, 60 self-esteem, 59 self-fulfilling prophecy, 67 self-handicapping strategies, 77 self-monitoring strategies, 77 self-serving bias, 71 similarity, rule of, 64

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication80

strategies); to be believed (credibility strategies that estab- lish your competence, character, and charisma); to excuse failure (self-handicapping strategies); to secure help (self- deprecating strategies); to hide faults (self-monitoring strategies); to be followed (influencing strategies); and to confirm your self-image (image-confirming strategies).

2. Each of these impression-management strategies can backfire and give others negative impressions. Also, each of these strategies may be used to reveal your true self or to present a false self and deceive others in the process.

chapter 3 Perception of the Self and Others in Interpersonal Communication 81

influences on your perceptions and on helping you make your perceptions more accurate. 2 Perceiving My Selves invites you to consider how you see yourself and how you think others see you; this exercise is also an excellent icebreaker. 3 How Might You Perceive Others’ Perceptions? presents a variety of situations in which people are likely to see things very differ- ently and sensitizes you to the variety of perceptions possible from the “same” event. 4 How Do You Make Attributions?

looks at a few specific situations and asks how you might make attributions in explaining the reasons for the behav- iors. 5 Barriers to Accurate Perception presents a dialogue containing a variety of perceptional errors and asks you to identify them. 6 Perspective Taking asks you to take posi- tive and negative perspectives on the same situations to help you explore the different conclusions people may draw from the same incident.

The Importance of Listening

The Process of Listening

Listening Barriers

Culture, Gender, and Listening

Styles of Effective Listening

4 C H A P T E R Listening in Interpersonal

Communication

Sue’s partner Harry is visibly upset, but she doesn’t know why. Sue considers the elements of the listening process and the various barriers that can interfere with effective listening as she contemplates her communication choices. See how Sue’s choices play out in the video, “A Bad Day at Work” (www.mycommunicationlab.com).

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Why read this chapter?

Because you’ll learn about: n the nature and stages of listening. n the major barriers to listening. n the role of culture and gender in listening. n the styles of listening.

Because you’ll learn to: n listen more effectively during each of the stages of listening. n reduce the effects of listening barriers. n listen with culture and gender sensitivity. n adjust your listening style to best achieve your purposes.

Listening is one of the most important of all interpersonal communication skills. Just think of your own listening behavior during an average day. You wake up to the alarm radio, put on the television to hear the weather and the news, check your computer

and listen to the latest entries on YouTube and the advertising pop-ups, go to school while talking on your cell phone, listen to fellow students and instructors, listen to music or watch television, and listen to family members at dinner. Surely listening occupies a good part of your communication day.

The Importance of Listening The skills of listening will prove crucial to you in both your professional and relationship lives. Let’s look at a few of the benefits, both professional and personal.

Professional Benefits In today’s workplace, listening is regarded as a crucial skill. Whether a temporary intern or a high- level executive, you need to listen if you’re going to function effectively in today’s workplace. If you’re not convinced of this, take a look at the many websites that talk about the skills needed for success in today’s workplace and you will find that listening consistently ranks among the most important skills (see, for example, www.career.com, www.dol.gov, www.buzzle.com, or www .ezinearticles.com).

Another important professional benefit of listening is to establish and communicate power. In much the same way that you communicate power with your words or gestures, you also communicate your power through listening (a topic more fully examined in our discussion of power in Chapter 12).

It’s also interesting to note that the effective listener is more likely to emerge as a group leader and is often a more effective salesperson, a more attentive and effective healthcare worker, and a more effective manager ( Johnson & Bechler, 1998; Kramer, 1997; Castleberry & Shepherd, 1993; Lauer, 2003; Stein & Bowen, 2003; Levine, 2004). And, medical educa- tors, claiming that doctors are not trained to listen to their patients, have introduced what they call “narrative medicine” to teach doctors not only to listen more effectively but also to recognize how their perceptions of their patients are influenced by their own emotions (D. Smith, 2003).

For a brief discussion of the importance of listening in health care, see “Listening Doctors” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. In what other areas would you like to see people listening more effectively?

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part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication84

Personal Benefits There can be little doubt that listening skills play a crucial role as we develop and maintain a variety of interpersonal relationships (Brownell, 2006). When asked what they want in a part- ner, women overwhelmingly identify “a partner who listens.” And most men would agree that they too want a partner who listens. Among friends, listening skills consistently rank high; in fact, it would be hard to think of a person as a friend if that person was not also a good listener. Within the family, listening is perhaps at its most crucial. Children need to learn to listen to their parents and also need their parents to listen to them. And parents need to learn to listen to their children.

Another way to appreciate the importance of listening is to consider its purposes and the benefits that accrue for each of these purposes. These purposes, of course, are the same as those of communication generally, as identified in Chapter 1: to learn, to relate, to influence, to play, and to help. n To learn: One purpose of listening is to learn, something you do regularly

as you listen to lectures in college. You also listen in order to learn about and understand other people and perhaps to avoid problems and make more reasonable decisions. For example, listening to how your friend dealt with an overly aggressive lover may suggest options to you or to those you know. Listening to your sales staff discuss their difficulties may help you offer more pertinent sales training.

n To relate: One of the communication skills most important to healthy relationships is the ability to listen to friends, romantic partners, family members, colleagues, and just about anyone with whom you come into

contact. In fact, as we’ll see in the discussion of relation- ships in Chapter 11, women rate listening as one of the most important qualities in a partner. We all use listen- ing to gain social acceptance and popularity and to make people like us. As you know from your own experience, the people you want to talk most with are the people who know how to listen. When you listen attentively and sup- portively, you communicate a genuine concern for oth- ers; it’s a way of telling others that you care about them.

n To influence: You also listen to influence other people’s attitudes, values, beliefs, opinions, and behaviors. While at first this relationship may seem strange, think about the people who are influential in your life. Very likely these are the people who listen to you, who know you and understand you. You’re more likely to follow some- one’s advice once you feel that you’ve really been listened to—that your insights and concerns have been heard and understood.

n To play: Listening to play, which some listening research- ers refer to as appreciative listening, would include all those listening experiences where your purpose is pri- marily enjoyment (Worthington & Fitch-Hauser, 2012). Listening to music or the rustle of leaves often serves a play purpose. Here listening doesn’t have to have a profita- ble outcome; it merely has to be enjoyable for the moment. Listening to the amusing stories of family members and the anecdotes of coworkers, for example, will allow you to gain a more comfortable balance between the world of work and the world of play.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Relationship Listening A young nephew tells you that he can’t talk with his parents. No matter how hard he tries, they don’t listen. “I tried to tell them that I can’t play baseball and I don’t want to play baseball,” he confides. “But they ignore me and tell me that all I need is practice.” What are some of the things you can say or do that will show your nephew that you’re listening.

VIEWPOINT What makes a person or a message deserv- ing of your attentive listening? For example, would you find it more difficult to listen to someone who was overjoyed because of winning the lottery for $27 million or to someone who was overcome with sadness because of the death of a loved one? How easy would it be for you to listen to someone who was depressed because an expected bonus of $60,000 turned out to be only $45,000? Put differently, what types of people and what types of message engage your listening attention?

chapter 4 Listening in Interpersonal Communication 85

n To help: Listening to help is something we experience growing up when our parents listen (or, sometimes, don’t listen) to our concerns and help us solve our problems. Sometimes just listening—with no advice and no suggestions—proves extremely helpful. Supportive and non-influential listening helps the other person clarify his or her thoughts and enables them to be seen more objectively. And of course listening is almost always a prerequisite to offering advice or help of any specific kind; after all, you really can’t offer useful aid without first knowing and listening to the individual.

The Process of Listening Listening is the process of: (1) receiving (hearing and attending to the message), (2) under- standing (deciphering meaning from the message you hear), (3) remembering (retaining what you hear in memory), (4) evaluating (thinking critically about and judging the message), and (5) responding (answering or giving feedback to the speaker). This five-step process is visual- ized in Figure 4.1.

All five listening stages overlap; when you listen, you’re performing all five processes at essentially the same time. For example, when listening in conversation, you’re not only remaining attentive to what the other person is saying but also critically evaluating what he or she just said and perhaps giving feedback.

Listening is never perfect. There are lapses in attention, misunderstandings, lapses in memory, inadequate critical thinking, and inappropriate responding. The goal is to reduce these obstacles as best you can.

Note that the listening process is circular. The responses of Person A serve as the stimuli for Person B, whose responses in turn serve as the stimuli for Person A, and so on. As will become clear in the following discussion of the five steps, listening is not a process of transferring an idea from the mind of a speaker to the mind of a listener. Rather, it is a process in which speaker and listener work together to achieve a common understanding.

Figure 4.1 emphasizes that listening involves a collection of skills: attention and con- centration (receiving), learning (understanding), memory (remembering), critical thinking (evaluation), and competence in giving feedback (responding). Listening can go wrong at

Figure 4.1 A Five-Stage Model of Listening Recognize that at each stage of listening there will be lapses. For example, at the receiving stage a listener receives part of the message but, because of noise and perhaps for other reasons, fails to receive other parts. Similarly, at the stage of understanding, a listener understands part of the message but, because of each person’s inability to share another’s meanings exactly, fails to understand other parts. The same is true for remembering, evaluating, and responding. This model draws on a variety of previous models that listening researchers have developed (for example, Worthington & Fitch-Hauser, 2012; Barker, 1990; Brownell, 2010).

Receiving Hearing

Attending

Responding Answering

Giving feedback

Evaluating Judging

Criticizing

Understanding Learning

Deciphering meaning

Remembering Recalling Retaining

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication86

any stage—but you can improve your listening ability by strengthening the skills needed at each step of the listening process. Consequently, suggestions for listening improvement are offered with each of the five stages.

Stage One: Receiving Listening begins with hearing, the process of receiving the messages the speaker sends. One of the great myths about listening is that it’s the same as hearing. It isn’t. Hearing is just the first stage of listening; it’s equivalent to receiving. Hearing (and receiving) is a physiological process that occurs when you’re in the vicinity of vibrations in the air and these vibrations impinge on your eardrum. Hearing is basically a passive process that occurs without any attention or effort on your part; hearing is mindless. Listening, as you’ll see, is very different; listening is mindful.

At the receiving stage, you note not only what is said (verbally and nonverbally) but also what is omitted. You receive, for example, your boss’s summary of your accomplishments as well as the omission of your shortcomings. To improve your receiving skills:

n Focus your attention on the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal messages, on what is said and on what isn’t said. Avoid focusing your attention on what you’ll say next; if you begin to rehearse your responses, you’re going to miss what the speaker says next.

n Avoid distractions in the environment; if necessary, shut off the stereo or and turn off your cell phone.

n Maintain your role as listener and avoid interrupting. Avoid interrupting as much as possible. It will only prevent you from hearing what the speaker is saying.

At times, you may wish to ask your listeners to receive your messages fairly and with- out prejudice, especially when you anticipate a negative reaction. For this purpose you’re likely to use disclaimers, statements that aim to ensure that your messages will be un-

derstood and will not reflect negatively on you. Some of the more popular disclaimers are these (Hewitt & Stokes, 1975; McLaughlin, 1984):

n Hedging helps you to separate yourself from the message so that if your listeners reject your message, they need not reject you ( for example, “I may be wrong here, but . . .”).

n Credentialing helps you establish your special qualifications for saying what you’re about to say (“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not homophobic” or “As someone who telecommutes, I . . .”).

n Sin licenses ask listeners for permission to deviate in some way from some normally accepted convention (“I know this may not be the place to discuss business, but . . .”).

n Cognitive disclaimers help you make the case that you’re in full possession of your faculties (“I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but let me explain the logic of the case”).

n Appeals for the suspension of judgment ask listeners to hear you out before making a judgment (“Don’t hang up on me until you hear my side of the story”).

Generally, disclaimers are effective when you think you might offend listeners in telling a joke (“I don’t usually like these types of jokes, but . . .”). In one study, for example, 11-year-old children were read a story about someone whose actions created negative effects. Some children heard the story with a disclaimer, and others heard the same story without the disclaimer. When the children were asked to indicate how the person should be punished, those

VIEWPOINTS Research shows that hedging reflects nega- tively on both male and female speakers when it indicates a lack of certainty or conviction resulting from some inadequacy on the speaker’s part. The hedging will be more positively received, how- ever, if listeners feel it reflects the speaker’s belief that tentative statements are the only kinds a person can reasonably make (Wright & Hosman, 1983; Hosman, 1989; Pearson, West, & Turner, 1995). Do you find this to be true from your experience in using and listening to hedges?

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Interpersonal CommunICatIon tIps Between people with and without Hearing DifficultiesTaBle 4.1

Here are some suggestions for more effective communication between people who hear well and those who have hearing problems.

Ludwig van Beethoven Thomas Edison Pete Townshend Marlee Matlin

if you have unimpaired hearing:

Generally Specifically

Avoid interference. Make sure the visual cues from your speech are clearly observable; face the person squarely and avoid smoking, chewing gum, or holding your hand over your mouth.

Speak at an adequate volume. But avoid shouting, which can distort your speech and may insult the person. Be careful to avoid reducing volume at the ends of your sentences.

Phrase ideas in different ways. Because some words are easier to lip-read than others, it often helps if you can rephrase your ideas in different words.

Avoid overlapping speech. In group situations only one person should speak at a time. Similarly, direct your comments to the person with hearing loss himself or herself; don’t talk to the person through a third party.

Use nonverbal cues. Nonverbals can help communicate your meaning; gestures indicating size or location and facial expressions indicating feelings are often helpful.

if you have impaired hearing:

Do your best to eliminate background noise. Reduce the distance between yourself and the person with a hearing impairment. Reduce background noise. Make sure the lighting is adequate.

Move closer to the speaker if this helps you hear better.

Alert the speaker that this closer distance will help you hear better.

Ask for adjustments. If you feel the speaker can make adjustments, ask the speaker to repeat a message, to speak more slowly, or to increase volume.

Position yourself for best reception. If you hear better in one ear than another, position yourself accordingly and, if necessary, clue the speaker in to this fact.

Ask for additional cues. If necessary, ask the speaker to write down certain information, such as phone numbers or website addresses.

Sources: These suggestions were drawn from a variety of sources: Tips for Communicating with Deaf People (Rochester Institute of Technology, National Technical Institute for the Deaf, Division of Public Affairs), http://www.his.com/~lola/deaf.html, http://www.zak.co.il/deaf-info/old /comm_strategies.html, http://www.agbell.org/, http://www.dol.gov/odep/pubs/fact/comucate.htm, www.ndmig.com, www.mass.gov, and http://spot.pcc.edu/~rjacobs/career/communication_tips.htm.

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who heard the story with the disclaimer recommended significantly lower punishments (Bennett, 1990).

Disclaimers, however, can also get you into trouble. For example, to preface remarks with “I’m no liar” may well lead listeners to think that perhaps you are lying. Also, if you use too many dis- claimers, you may be perceived as someone who doesn’t have any strong convictions or as one who wants to avoid responsibility for just about everything. This seems especially true of hedges.

In responding to statements containing disclaimers, it’s often necessary to respond to both the disclaimer and to the statement. By doing so, you let the speaker know that you heard the disclaimer and that you aren’t going to view this communication negatively. Appropriate responses might be: “I know you’re no sexist, but I don’t agree that …” or “Well, perhaps we should discuss the money now even if it doesn’t seem right.”

In this brief discussion of receiving—and, in fact, throughout this entire chapter on listen- ing—the unstated assumption is that both individuals can receive auditory signals without difficulty. But for the many people who have hearing impairments, listening presents a variety of problems. Table 4.1 (p. 87) provides tips for communication between people who have and people who do not have hearing difficulties.

Stage Two: Understanding Understanding is the stage at which you learn what the speaker means—the stage at which you grasp both the thoughts and the emotions expressed. Understanding one without the other is likely to result in an unbalanced picture.

You can improve your listening understanding in a variety of ways.

1. Avoid assuming you understand what the speaker is go- ing to say before he or she actually says it. If you do make assumptions, these will likely prevent you from accurately listening to what the speaker wants to say.

2. See the speaker’s messages from the speaker’s point of view. Avoid judging the message until you fully under- stand it as the speaker intended it.

3. Ask questions for clarification, if necessary; ask for addi- tional details or examples if they’re needed. This shows not only that you’re listening—which the speaker will ap- preciate—but also that you want to learn more. Material that is not clearly understood is likely to be easily lost.

4. Rephrase (paraphrase) the speaker’s ideas in your own words. This can be done silently or aloud. If done silently, it will help you rehearse and learn the material; if done aloud, it also helps you confirm your understanding of what the speaker is saying.

Right now, a large part of your listening will take place in the classroom—listening to the instructor and to other stu- dents, essentially for understanding. Take a look at Table 4.2, which offers a few suggestions for listening effectively in the classroom.

Stage Three: Remembering Effective listening depends on remembering. For example, when Susan says she is planning to buy a new car, the effec- tive listener remembers this and at a later meeting asks about the car. When Joe says his mother is ill, the effective listener remembers this and inquires about her health later in the week.

VIEWPOINTS The term false memory syndrome refers to a phenomenon in which a person “remembers” past experi- ences that never actually occurred. Most of the studies on false memory syndrome have centered on erroneous recollections of abuse and other traumatic experiences. Often these false memories are implanted by therapists and interviewers, whose persistent questioning over a period of time can create such a realistic scenario that an individual comes to believe these things actually occurred (Porter, Brit, Yuille, & Lehman, 2000). In what other, less dramatic, ways can false memory syndrome occur?

chapter 4 Listening in Interpersonal Communication 89

listening in the ClassroomTaBle 4.2

In addition to following the general guidelines for listening noted throughout this chapter, here are a few additional suggestions for making your listening for understanding in the classroom more effective.

general Suggestions Specifically

Prepare yourself to listen. Sit up front where you can see your instructor and any visual aids clearly and comfortably. Remember that you listen with your eyes as well as your ears.

Avoid distractions. Avoid mental daydreaming, and put away physical distractions like your laptop, iPhone, or newspaper.

Pay special attention to the introduction. Listen for orienting remarks and for key words and phrases (often written on the board or on PowerPoint slides), such as “another reason,” “three major causes,” and “first.” Using these cues will help you outline the lecture.

Take notes in outline form. Avoid writing in paragraph form. Listen for headings and then use these as major headings in your outline. When the instructor says, for example, “there are four kinds of noise,” you have your heading and you will have a numbered list of four kinds of noise.

Assume relevance. A piece of information may eventually prove irrelevant (unfortunately), but if you listen with the assumption of irrelevancy, you’ll never hear anything relevant.

Listen for understanding. Avoid taking issue with what is said until you understand fully, and then, of course, take issue if you wish. But, generally, don’t rehearse in your own mind your arguments against a particular position. When you do this, you run the risk of missing additional explanation or qualification.

In some small group and public speaking situations, you can augment your memory by taking notes or by taping the messages. And in many work situations, taking notes is common and may even be expected. In most interpersonal communication situations, however, note taking is inappropriate—although you often do write down a telephone number, an appoint- ment, or directions.

Perhaps the most important point to understand about memory is that what you remember is not what was said but what you remember was said. Memory for speech is not reproductive; you don’t simply reproduce in your memory what the speaker said. Rather, memory is reconstructive; you actually reconstruct the messages you hear into a system that makes sense to you.

If you want to remember what someone says or the names of various people, this information needs to pass from your short-term memory (the memory you use, say, to remember a phone number just long enough to write it down) into long-term memory. Short-term memory is very limited in capacity—you can hold only a small amount of information there. Long-term memory is unlimited. To facilitate the passage of information from short- to long-term memory, here are four suggestions:

1. Focus your attention on the central ideas. Even in the most casual of conversa- tions, there are central ideas. Fix these in your mind. Repeat these ideas to yourself as you continue to listen. Avoid focusing on minor details that often lead to detours in listening and in conversation.

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2. Organize what you hear; summarize the message in a more easily retained form, but take care not to ignore crucial details or qualifications. If you chunk the material into categories, you’ll be able to remember more information. For example, if you want to remember 15 or 20 items to buy in the supermarket, you’ll remember more if you group them into chunks—produce, canned goods, and meats.

3. Unite the new with the old; relate new information to what you already know. Avoid treating new information as totally apart from all else you know. There’s probably some relationship and if you identify it, you’re more like to remember the new material.

4. Repeat names and key concepts to yourself or, if appropriate, aloud. By repeating the names or key concepts, you in effect rehearse these names and concepts, and as a result they’ll be easier to learn and remember. If you’re introduced to Alice, you’ll stand a better chance of remembering her name if you say, “Hi, Alice” than if you say just “Hi.” Be especially careful that you don’t rehearse your own anticipated responses; if you do, you’re sure to lose track of what the speaker is saying.

Stage Four: evaluating Evaluating consists of judging the messages in some way. At times you may try to evaluate the speaker’s underlying intentions or motives. Often this evaluation process goes on without much conscious awareness. For example, Elaine tells you that she is up for a promotion and is really excited about it. You may then try to judge her intention: Perhaps she wants you to use your influence with the company president, or maybe she’s preoccupied with the promotion and so she tells everyone, or possibly she’s looking for a compliment.

In other situations your evaluation is more in the nature of critical analysis. For example, in listening to proposals advanced in a business meeting, you may ask: Are the proposals practi- cal? Will they increase productivity? What’s the evidence? Is there contradictory evidence?

In evaluating consider these suggestions:

1. Resist evaluation until you fully understand the speaker’s point of view. This is not always easy, but it’s almost always essential. If you put a label on what the speaker is saying (ultraconservative, bleeding-heart liberal), you’ll hear the remainder of the messages through these labels.

2. Distinguish facts from opinions and personal interpretations by the speaker. And, most important, fix these labels in mind with the information; for example, try to remember that Jesse thinks Pat did XYZ, not just that Pat did XYZ.

3. Identify any biases, self-interests, or prejudices that may lead the speaker to slant unfairly what is said. It’s often wise to ask if the material is being presented fairly or if this person is slanting it in some way.

4. Recognize fallacious forms of “reasoning” speakers may employ, such as:

n Name-calling: applying a favorable or unfavorable label to color your perception— “democracy” and “soft on terrorism” are two currently popular examples.

n Testimonial: using positively or negatively viewed spokespersons to encourage your acceptance or rejection of something—such as a white-coated actor to sell toothpaste or a disgraced political figure associated with an idea the speaker wants rejected.

n Bandwagon: arguing that you should believe or do something because “everyone else does.”

Stage Five: Responding Responding occurs in two phases: responses you make while the speaker is talking (immediate feedback) and responses you make after the speaker has stopped talking (delayed feedback). These feedback messages send in- formation back to the speaker and tell the speaker how you feel and what

you think about his or her messages. When you nod or smile in response

Do you notice bias in your instructors? See “Teacher Bias?” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. How might this type of research help instructors and students alike?

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Giving Antilistening Cues One of your friends is a storyteller; instead of talking about the world and about people, he tells endless stories—about things that happened a long time ago that he finds funny (though no one else does). You just can’t deal with this any longer. What are some of your choices to help you get yourself out of these situations?

chapter 4 Listening in Interpersonal Communication 91

to someone you’re interacting with face-to-face, you’re responding with immediate feedback. When you comment on a blog post, poke a person on Facebook who has poked you, or say you like a photo or post on Facebook, you’re responding with delayed feedback.

In face-to-face communication, supportive responses made while the speaker is talking are particularly effective; they acknowledge that you’re listening and that you’re understand- ing the speaker. These responses include what nonverbal researchers call back-channeling cues—comments such as “I see,” “yes,” “uh-huh,” and similar signals. Back-channeling cues are especially important in face-to-face conversation and are considered in detail in Chapter 8.

Responses made after the speaker has stopped talking or after you read a post on a blog or on Facebook are generally more elaborate and might include expressing empathy (“I know how you must feel”), asking for clarification (“Do you mean that this new health plan is going to replace the old one?”), challenging (“I think your evidence is weak here”), agreeing (“You’re absolutely right on this; I’ll support your proposal”), or giving support (“good luck”). Social networks make this type of feedback especially easy with comment buttons and the thumbs up icon.

Improving listening responding involves avoiding some of the destructive patterns and practicing more constructive patterns such as the following five:

1. Support the speaker throughout the speaker’s conversation by using and varying your listening cues, such as head nods and minimal responses such as “I see” or “mm- hmm.” Using the “like” icon, poking back on Facebook, and commenting on another’s photos or posts on social-networking sites will also prove supportive.

2. Own your responses. Take responsibility for what you say. Instead of saying, “Nobody will want to do that” say something like “I don’t think I’ll do that.” Use the anonymity that the most social networks allow with discretion.

3. Resist “responding to another’s feelings” with “solving the person’s problems” (as men are often accused of doing) unless, of course, you’re asked for advice (Tannen, 1990).

4. Focus on the other person. Avoid multitasking when you’re listening. Show the speaker that he or she is your primary focus. Take off headphones; shut down the iPhone and the television; turn away from the computer screen. And, instead of looking around the room, look at the speaker; the speaker’s eyes should be your main focus.

5. Avoid being a thought-completing listener who listens a little and then finishes the speaker’s thought. Instead, express respect by allowing the speaker to complete his or her thoughts. Completing someone’s thoughts often communicates the message that noth- ing important is going to be said (“I already know it”).

Table 4.3 (p. 92) provides a comparison and summary of ineffective and effective listening at each of these five stages.

Listening Barriers In addition to practicing the various skills for each stage of listening, consider some of the common general barriers to listening. Here are four such barriers and some suggestions for dealing with them as both listener and speaker—because both speaker and listener are responsible for effective listening.

Distractions: Physical and Mental Physical barriers to listening may include, for example, hearing impairment, a noisy environment, or loud music. Multitasking (watching TV while listening to someone with the aim of being supportive, say) simply doesn’t work. As

VIEWPOINTS Research indicates that overheard cell phone conversations are rated as more intrusive than overheard conversations between two people talking face-to-face (Monk, Fellas, & Ley, 2004); one researcher argues that cell conversations are particularly annoying because you can hear only one side of the dialogue. Do you find the cell phone conversations of people near you on a bus or in a store annoying? If you do, why?

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both listener and speaker, try to remove whatever physical barriers can be removed; for those that you can’t remove, adjust your listening and speaking to lessen the effects as much as possible. As a listener, focus on the speaker; you can attend to the room and the other people later.

Mental distractions are in many ways similar to physical distractions; they get in the way of focused listening. Typical mental distractions, for example, are thinking about your upcoming Saturday night date or becoming too emotional to think (and listen) clearly. In listening, recognize that you can think about your date later. In speaking, make what you say compelling and relevant to the listener.

Listening Stage ineffective Listening effective Listening

At the receiving stage, you note not only what is said (verbally and nonverbally) but also what is omitted.

Attention wanders, distractions are attended to.

1. Focus your attention on the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal messages.

2. Avoid distractions in the environment. 3. Maintain your role as listener and avoid

interrupting.

Understanding is the stage at which you learn what the speaker means, the stage at which you grasp both the thoughts and the emotions expressed.

Assume you understand what the speaker is going to say.

Interpret the speaker’s message from your own point of view. Make no attempt to seek clarifi- cation.

1. Avoid assuming you understand what the speaker is going to say before he or she actually says it.

2. See the speaker’s messages from the speaker’s point of view.

3. Ask questions for clarification. 4. Rephrase (paraphrase) the speaker’s ideas in

your own words.

Effective listening depends on remembering.

Fail to distinguish between central and peripheral ideas.

1. Focus your attention on the central ideas. 2. Organize what you hear. 3. Unite the new with the old. 4. Rehearse; repeat names and key concepts to

yourself or, if appropriate, aloud.

Evaluating consists of judging the messages in some way.

Evaluate immediately.

Facts and opinions are grouped together. Biases go unnoticed.

Be taken in by fallacious reasoning.

1. Resist evaluation until you fully understand the speaker’s point of view?

2. Distinguish facts from opinions and personal interpretations by the speaker.

3. Identify any biases, self-interests, or prejudices in the speaker.

4. Recognize some of the popular but fallacious forms of “reasoning” speakers may employ, such as name-calling, testimonial, and band- wagon.

Responding occurs in two phases: responses you make while the speaker is talking and responses you make after the speaker has stopped talking.

Fail to give the speaker appropri- ate feedback.

1. Support the speaker. 2. Own your responses. 3. Resist “responding to another’s feelings”

with “solving the person’s problems.” 4. Focus on the other person. 5. Avoid being a thought-completing listener.

Ineffective and effective listeningTaBle 4.3

chapter 4 Listening in Interpersonal Communication 93

Biases and Prejudices Biases and prejudices against groups, or against individuals who are members of such groups, will invariably distort listening. For example, a gender bias that assumes that only one sex has anything useful to say about certain topics will likely distort incoming messages that contra- dict this bias. As a listener, be willing to subject your biases and prejudices to contradictory information; after all, if they’re worth having, they should stand up to differences of opinion. When you as a speaker feel that you may be facing bias, ask your listeners to suspend their attitude for the moment—I know you don’t like the Martins, and I can understand why. But, just listen to . . .

Another type of bias is closed-mindedness, which is seen, for example, in the person who refuses to hear any feminist argument or anything about gay marriage. As a listener, assume that what the speaker is saying will be useful in some way. As a speaker, anticipate that many people will be closed-minded on a variety of issues, and remember that it often helps to sim- ply ask for openness—I know this is contrary to what many people think, but let’s look at this logically.

lack of appropriate Focus Focusing on what a person is saying is obviously necessary for effective listening. And yet there are many influences that can lead you astray. For example, listeners often get lost because they focus on irrelevan- cies; say, on an especially vivid example that conjures up old memo- ries. As a listener, try not to get detoured from the main idea; don’t get hung up on unimportant details. Try to repeat the idea to yourself and see the details in relation to this main concept. As a speaker, try to avoid language or examples that may divert attention from your main idea.

At times people will listen only for information with an obvious relevance to them. But this type of listening only prevents you from expanding your horizons. After all, it’s quite possible that information that you originally thought irrelevant will eventually prove helpful. Avoid interpreting everything in terms of what it means to you; see other perspectives. As a speaker, be sure to make what you say relevant to your specific listener.

Another mistake is for the listener to focus on the responses he or she is going to make while the speaker is still speaking. Anticipating how you’re going to respond or what you’re going to say (and perhaps even interrupting the speaker) just prevents you from hearing the message in full. Instead, make a mental note of something and then get back to listening. As a speaker, when you feel someone is preparing to argue with you, ask them to hear you out—I know you disagree with this, but let me finish and we’ ll get back to that.

Premature Judgment Perhaps the most obvious form of premature judgment is assuming you know what the speaker is going to say—so there’s no need to really listen. Let the speaker say what he or she is going to say before you decide that you already know it. As a speaker, of course, it’s often wise to assume that listeners will do exactly this, so it may be helpful to make clear that what you’re saying will be unexpected.

A common listener reaction is to draw conclusions or judgments on incomplete evidence. Sometimes listeners will stop listening after hearing a speaker, for example, express an atti- tude they disagree with or make some sexist or culturally insensitive remark. Instead, this is a situation that calls for especially concentrated listening so that you don’t rush to judgment. Instead, wait for the evidence or argument; avoid making judgments before you gather all the

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Homophobic Language At the organization where you work, homophobic language is rampant in small groups but totally absent in formal meetings. You want to point out this hypocrisy but don’t want to make enemies or have people think you’re going to cause legal problems for them. What options do you have for accomplishing what you want to without incurring negative reactions?

part 1 Preliminaries to Interpersonal Communication94

information. Listen first; judge second. As a speaker, be aware of this tendency and when you feel this is happening, ask for a suspension of judgment. A simple “Hear me out” is often suf- ficient to prevent a too-early judgment on the part of listeners.

Styles of Effective Listening Before reading about styles of effective listening in interpersonal communication, examine your own listening habits and tendencies by taking the accompanying self-test, “How Do You Listen?”

As a listener you have at a minimum these two ethical obligations:

1. You owe it to the speaker to give an honest hearing, without prejudgment, putting aside prejudices and preconceptions as best you can. At the same time, you owe the speaker your best effort at understanding emotionally as well as intellectually what he or she means.

2. You owe the speaker honest responses. Just as you should be honest with the listener when speaking, you should be honest with the speaker when listening. This means giving open and honest feedback and also reflecting honestly on the questions that the speaker raises.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication ethicAL LiStening EthIcAl chOIcE POInt

Your friend begins revealing deeply personal secrets— problems at home, a lack of money, no friends, and on and on. You don’t want to hear all this; it depresses you. You want to avoid having to listen to these disclosures. At the same time, however, you wonder if you have an ethical obligation to listen openly and respond honestly to your friend. What would you do in this situation?

Respond to each question using the following scale: 1 = always, 2 = frequently, 3 = sometimes, 4 = seldom, and 5 = never.

_____ 1. I listen to what the speaker is saying and feeling; I try to feel what the speaker feels. _____ 2. I listen objectively; I focus on the logic of the ideas rather than on the emotional meaning of

the message. _____ 3. I listen without judging the speaker. _____ 4. I listen critically, evaluating the speaker and what the speaker is saying. _____ 5. I listen to the literal meanings that a speaker communicates; I don’t look too deeply into

hidden meanings. _____ 6. I look for the hidden meanings, the meanings that are revealed by subtle verbal or nonverbal cues. _____ 7. I listen actively, communicate acceptance of the speaker, and prompt the speaker to further

explore his or her thoughts. _____ 8. I listen without active involvement; I generally remain silent and take in what the other person

is saying.

how Did You Do? These statements focus on the styles of listening discussed in this section, each of which is appropriate at some times but not at others. The only responses that are inappropriate are

how Do You Listen?Test Yourself

chapter 4 Listening in Interpersonal Communication 95

“always” and “never.” Effective listening is listening that is tailored to the specific communication situation.

What Will You Do? Consider how you might use these statements to begin to improve your listening effectiveness. A good way to begin doing this is to review these statements and try to identify situations in which each statement would be appropriate and situations in which each statement would be inappropriate.

As the self-test emphasizes, listening is situational; your style of listening should vary with the situation, and each situation will call for a somewhat different combination of listening styles. You do (and should) listen differently depending on your purpose, your conversa- tional partners, and the type of message; in some situations you’ll need to be especially critical and in others especially supportive.

Visualize each listening situation as one in which you have to make choices among the five dimensions of listening discussed in this section. Each listening situation should call for a somewhat different configuration of listening responses. The art of effective listening is largely one of mak- ing appropriate choices along the following five dimensions: (1) empathic versus objective listening, (2) nonjudgmental versus critical listening, (3) surface versus depth listening, (4) polite versus impolite listening, and (5) active versus inactive listening. Let’s take a look at each of these dimensions.

empathic and Objective listening If you’re to understand what a person means and what a person is feeling, you need to listen with some degree of empathy, the feeling of another’s feelings (Rogers, 1970; Rogers & Farson, 1981). To empathize with others is to feel with them, to see the world as they see it, to feel what they feel. Only when you achieve this can you fully understand another person’s meaning. Empathic listening will also help you enhance your relationships (Barrett & Godfrey, 1988; Snyder, 1992).

Although for most communication situations empathic listening is the preferred mode of responding, there are times when you need to engage in objective listening—to go beyond empathy and measure meanings and feelings against some objective reality. It’s important to listen as Peter tells you how the entire world hates him and to understand how Peter feels and why he feels this way. But then you need to look a bit more objectively at Peter and perhaps see the paranoia or the self-hatred. Sometimes you have to put your empathic responses aside and listen with objectivity and detachment.

In adjusting your empathic and objective listening: n Punctuate the message from the speaker’s point of view (Chapter 1); see the sequence

of events (which events are causes and which are effects) as the speaker does. And try to figure out how this punctuation can influence what the speaker says and does.

n Engage in equal, two-way conversation. To encourage openness and empathy, try to eliminate any physical or psychological barriers to equality ( for example, step from behind the large desk separating you from your employees). Avoid interrupting the speaker—which sends the signal that what you have to say is more important.

n Seek to understand both thoughts and feelings. Don’t consider your lis- tening task finished until you’ve understood what the speaker is feeling as well as thinking.

n Avoid “offensive listening,” the tendency to listen to bits and pieces of information that will enable you to attack the speaker or find fault with something the speaker has said (Floyd, 1985).

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Listening Choices Your friend Phil has just broken up a love affair and is telling you about it. “I can’t seem to get Chris out of my mind,” he says. “All I do is daydream about what we used to do and all the fun we used to have.” What are some of the things you can do or say that will help Phil feel better? What are some things that are likely to make him feel worse?

If, when, and how you listen are questions of choice. —Communication principle

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n Strive to be objective when listening to friends and foes alike. Your attitudes may lead you to distort messages—to block out positive messages about a foe and negative messages about a friend. Guard against “expectancy hearing,” when you fail to hear what the speaker is really saying and hear what you expect to hear instead.

Nonjudgmental and Critical listening Effective listening includes both nonjudgmental and critical responses. You need to listen nonjudgmentally—with an open mind toward un- derstanding. But you also need to listen critically—with a view toward making some kind of evaluation or judgment. Clearly, engage in non- judgmental listening first; listen for understanding while suspend- ing judgment. Only after you’ve fully understood the relevant messages should you evaluate or judge.

Supplement open-minded listening with critical listening. Listening with an open mind will help you understand messages better; listening with a critical mind will help you analyze and evaluate the messages. In adjusting your nonjudgmental and critical listening: n Keep an open mind and avoid prejudging. Delay your judgments

until you fully understand the intention and the content the speaker is communicating. Avoid both positive and negative evaluation until you

have a reasonably complete understanding. n Avoid filtering out or oversimplifying complex messages.

Similarly, avoid filtering out undesirable messages. You don’t want to hear that something you believe in is untrue, that people you care for are unkind, or that ideals you hold are self-destructive. Yet it’s important that you reexamine your beliefs by listening to these messages.

n Recognize your own biases. These may interfere with accurate listening and cause you to distort message recep- tion through the process of assimilation—the tendency to integrate and interpret what you hear (or think you hear) to fit your own biases, prejudices, and expectations. For example, are your ethnic, national, or religious biases pre- venting you from appreciating a speaker’s point of view?

n Avoid sharpening. Recognize and combat the natural human tendency toward sharpening—a process in which one or two aspects of the message become highlighted, emphasized, and perhaps embellished. Often the concepts that are sharpened are incidental remarks that somehow stand out from the rest of the message. Be sure to listen critically to the entire message when you need to make evaluations and judgments.

n Recognize the fallacies of language. Take a look at Table 4.4; it identifies four common barriers that chal- lenge critical listening.

Surface and Depth listening In Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Marc Antony, in giving the fu- neral oration for Caesar, says: “I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. / The evil that men do lives after them; / The good is oft interred with their bones.” And later: “For Brutus is an

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Empathic Listening Your mother has been having a difficult time at work. She was recently passed up for a promotion and received one of the lowest merit raises given in the company. “I’m not sure what I did wrong,” she tells you. “I do my work, mind my own business, don’t take my sick days like everyone else. How could they give that promotion to Helen, who’s only been with the company for two years? Maybe I should just quit.” What can you do and say that will demonstrate empathic listening?

VIEWPOINTS Although empathy is almost universally con- sidered positive, there is some evidence to show that it also can have a negative side. For example, people are most empathic with those who are similar—racially and ethnically as well as in appear- ance and social status. The more empathy you feel toward your own group, the less empathy—possibly even the more hostility— you feel toward other groups. The same empathy that increases your understanding of your own group decreases your under- standing of other groups. So although empathy may encourage group cohesiveness and identification, it also can create dividing lines between your group and “them” (Angier, 1995b). Have you ever experienced or witnessed these negative effects of empathy?

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honourable man; / So are they all, all honourable men.” If we listen beyond the surface of Marc Antony’s words, we can see that he does come to praise Caesar, and to convince the crowd that Brutus was dis- honorable—despite the fact that at first glance his words seem to say quite the opposite.

In most messages there’s an obvious meaning that you can derive from surface listening—a literal reading of the words and sentences. But there’s often another level of meaning. Sometimes, as in Julius Caesar, it’s the opposite of the literal meaning; at other times it seems totally un- related. Consider some frequently heard types of messages. For example, Claire asks you how you like her new haircut. On one level the meaning is clear: Do you like the haircut? But depth listening can reveal another, perhaps more important, level: Claire is asking you to say something positive about her appearance. In the same way, the parent who complains about working hard at the office or in the home may,

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Listening without Judging A classmate says to you: I got a C on that paper. That’s the worst grade I’ve ever received. I just can’t believe that I got a C. This is my major. What am I going to do? What options do you have in this case for communicating without judging?

Listening for Fallacies of LanguageTable 4.4

Here are four language fallacies that often get in the way of meaningful communication and need to be identified in critical listening. Often these fallacies are used to fool you; they are ways in which language can be used to serve less than noble purposes, to convince or persuade you without giving you any reasons. After reviewing this table, take a look at some of the commercial websites for clothing, books, music, or any such product you’re interested in. Can you find examples of these fallacies?

Fallacy Example Notes

Weasel words are those terms whose meanings are slippery and difficult to pin down (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1989).

A commercial claims that Medicine M works “better than Brand X” but doesn’t specify how much better or in what respect Medicine M performs better. It’s quite pos- sible that it performs better in one respect but less effectively according to nine other measures.

Other weasel words are “help,” “virtually,” “as much as,” “like” (as in “it will make you feel like new”), and “more economical.” Ask yourself, “Exactly what is being claimed?” For example, “What does ‘may reduce cholesterol’ mean? What exactly is being asserted?"

Euphemisms make the negative and unpleasant appear positive and appealing.

An executive calls the firing of 200 workers “downsizing” or “reallocation of resources.”

Often euphemisms take the form of inflated language designed to make the mundane seem extraordinary, the common seem exotic. Don’t let words get in the way of accurate firsthand perception.

Jargon is the specialized language of a professional class.

Examples of jargon include the language of the computer hacker, the psychologist, and the advertiser.

When used to intimidate or impress, as when used with people who aren’t mem- bers of the profession, jargon prevents meaningful communication. Don’t be intimidated by jargon; ask questions when you don’t understand.

Gobbledygook is overly complex language that overwhelms the lis- tener instead of communicating meaning.

Extra long sentences, complex grammatical constructions, and rare or unfamiliar words can constitute gobbledygook.

Some people just normally speak in com- plex language. But, others use complexity to confuse and mislead. Ask for simplification when appropriate.

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on a deeper level, be asking for an expression of appreciation. The child who talks about the unfairness of the other children in the playground may be asking for comfort and love.

To appreciate these other meanings, listen in depth. If you listen only to the surface-level communication (the literal meaning), you’ll miss the underlying message and will surely miss the opportunity to make meaningful contact with the other person’s feelings and needs. If you say to your parent, “You’re always complaining. I bet you really love working so hard,” you fail to respond to the call for understanding and appreciation.

In regulating your surface and depth listening: n Focus on both verbal and nonverbal messages. Recognize both consistent and incon-

sistent “packages” of messages, and use these as guides for drawing inferences about the speaker’s meaning. Ask questions when in doubt. Listen also to what is omitted. Remem- ber that speakers communicate by what they leave out as well as by what they include.

n Listen for both content and relational messages. The student who constantly chal- lenges the teacher is, on one level, communicating disagreement over content. However,

Working with Theories and research

Recall a situation in which you assumed, on the basis of the cues described here (or others), that someone was lying. What happened? If you want to learn more about lying, log on to an online database and search for lying, deception, and similar terms. It’s a fascinating subject of study.

In normal listening you assume the speaker is telling the truth. When you do question the speaker’s truthfulness, it may be because the speaker exhibits cues that often accompany lying. Research has identified numer- ous such cues. Typically liars smile less; respond with shorter answers, often a simple yes or no; use fewer specifics and more generalities, such as “we hung out"; shift their posture more; use more self-touching move- ments; use more and longer pauses; avoid direct eye contact with the listener and blink more often than normal; appear less friendly and at- tentive; and make more speech errors (Knapp & Hall, 2006; Knapp, 2008; O’Hair, Cody, Goss, & Krayer, 1988; Bond & Atoum, 2000; Al-Simadi, 2000; Burgoon & Bacue, 2003). But be careful, however, that you don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because someone emits some or all of these cues, he or she is therefore lying. These cues are often used by truth tellers as well as liars. In one study, in fact, people who held stereotypical views of how liars behave (for example, “liars don’t look at you” or “liars fidget”) were less effective in detecting lying than were those who didn’t hold such beliefs (Vrij & Mann, 2001). Furthermore, lie detection is generally unreliable. Whether among nonprofessionals or professional lie detectors (for example, judges, psychiatrists, and police officers), accuracy in judging lying is quite low; accuracy is generally found to be somewhere around 45 to 60 percent (Knapp, 2008). Most people seem to operate with a truth bias and generally assume that others are telling the truth (Levine, Kim, Park, & Hughes, 2006). But under certain circumstances (with prisoners in prison or when law enforce- ment personnel interrogate a suspect, for example), there is a “lie bias"; people operate on the assumption that the person is lying. This assump- tion, not surprisingly, does not increase accuracy in overall lie-detection ability (Knapp, 2008).

Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research LiStening to LYing

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Working with Interpersonal Skills

On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you describe your face-to-face communication and your social networking communication with casual friends or acquaintances in terms of closedness (1) versus openness (10)? With your best friends or a romantic partner? Are there significant differences in openness in face-to-face versus online communication?

Understanding Interpersonal Skills OpenneSS

Openness in interpersonal communication is a person’s willingness to self-disclose—to reveal information about himself or herself as appropriate (see Chapter 8, pp. 211–212). Openness also includes a willingness to listen openly and to react honestly to the mes- sages of others. This does not mean that openness is always appropriate. In fact, too much openness is likely to lead to a decrease in your relationship satisfaction (Dindia & Timmerman, 2003).

Communicating Openness. Consider these few ideas:

n Self-disclose when appropriate. Be mindful about whatever you say about yourself. There are benefits and dangers to this form of communication (see Chapter 8, pp. 213–214). And listen carefully to the disclosures of others; these reciprocal disclo- sures (or the lack of them) will help guide your own disclosures.

n Listen mindfully and respond to those with whom you’re interacting with spontaneity and with appropriate honesty—though also with an awareness of what you’re saying and of what the possible outcomes of your messages might be.

n Communicate a clear willingness to listen. Let the other person know that you’re open to listening to his or her thoughts and feelings.

n Own your own feelings and thoughts. Take responsibility for what you say. Listen to the kinds of messages you’re using, and use I-messages instead of you-messages. Instead of saying, “You make me feel stupid when you don’t ask my opinion,” own your feelings and say, for example, “I feel stupid when you ask everyone else what they think but don’t ask me.” When you own your feelings and thoughts—when you use I-messages— you say, in effect, “This is how I feel,” “This is how I see the situation.” I-messages make explicit the fact that your feelings result from the interaction between what is going on outside your skin (what others say, for example) and what is going on inside your skin (your preconceptions, attitudes, and prejudices, for example).

on another level—the relationship level—the student may be voicing objections to the in- structor’s authority or authoritarianism. The instructor needs to listen and respond to both types of messages.

n Make special note of self-reflexive statements—statements that refer back to the speaker. People inevitably talk about themselves. Whatever a person says is, in part, a function of who that person is. Attending carefully to those personal, self-referential messages will give you great insight into the person and the per- son’s messages.

n At the same time, don’t disregard the literal meaning in trying to uncover the message’s hidden meaning. Balance your listening between the surface and the underlying meaning. Respond to the different levels of meaning in the messages of others as you would like others to respond to yours—be sensitive but not obsessive, atten- tive but not overly eager to uncover hidden messages.

Polite and Impolite Listening Politeness is often thought of as the exclusive function of the speaker, as solely an encoding or sending function. But, politeness (or impoliteness) may also be signaled through listening (Fukushima, 2000).

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Giving Listening Cues Often you’re asked by a speaker if he or she is getting through or making sense. It seems as if speakers doubt that you’re listening. But, usually at least, you are. What are some of the things you might do to show people you’re listening to them and interested in what they’re saying?

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Of course, there are times when you would not want to lis- ten politely ( for example, if someone is being verbally abusive or condescending or using racist or sexist language). In these cases you might want to show your disapproval by showing that you’re not even listening. But most often you’ll want to listen politely and you’ll want to express this politeness through your listening behavior. Here are a few suggestions for demonstrating that you are in fact listening politely. As you read these you’ll notice that these are strategies designed to be supportive of the speaker’s positive and negative face needs: n Avoid interrupting the speaker. Avoid trying to take over

the speaker’s turn. Avoid changing the topic. If you must say something in response to something the speaker said and can’t wait until he or she finishes, then say it as briefly as pos- sible and pass the speaker’s turn back to the speaker.

n Give supportive listening cues. These might include nod- ding your head, giving minimal verbal responses such as “I see” or “yes, it’s true", or moving closer to the speaker. Lis- ten in a way that demonstrates that what the speaker is saying is important. In some cultures, polite listening cues must be cues of agreement ( Japanese culture is of- ten used as an example); in other cultures, polite listen- ing cues are attentiveness and support rather than cues of agreement (much of United States culture is an example).

n Show empathy with the speaker. Demonstrate that you understand and feel the speaker’s thoughts and feelings

by giving responses that show this level of understanding—smiling or cringing or otherwise echoing the feelings of the speaker. If you echo the speaker’s nonverbal expressions, your behavior is likely to be seen as empathic.

n Maintain eye contact. In much of the United States this is perhaps the single most important rule. If you don’t maintain eye contact when someone is talking to you, then you’ll appear to be not listening and definitely not listening politely. This rule, however, does not hold in all cultures. In some Latin and Asian cultures, polite listening would consist of looking down and avoiding direct eye contact when, for example, listening to a superior or much older person.

n Give positive feedback. Throughout the listening encounter and perhaps especially after the speaker’s turn (when you continue the conversation as you respond to what the speaker has said), positive feedback will be seen as polite and negative feedback as impolite. If you must give negative feedback, then do so in a way that does not attack the person’s nega- tive face. For example, first mention areas of agreement or what you liked about what the person said and stress your good intentions. And, most important, do it in private. Public

criticism is especially threatening and will surely be seen as a personal attack.

A somewhat different slant on politeness and listening can be seen in “forcing” people to listen when they don’t want to. Generally, the po- lite advice is to be sensitive to when the other person wants to leave and to stop asking the person to continue listening. And, closely related to this, is the “forced” listening that many cell phone users impose on oth- ers, a topic addressed in Table 4.5.

active and Inactive listening One of the most important communication skills you can learn is that of active listening (Gordon, 1975). Consider the following interaction. You’re disappointed that you have to redo your entire report, and you say:

VIEWPOINTS Much of the thinking and research on lis- tening and politeness has focused on them as face-to-face com- munication skills. How would you describe listening politeness on social network sites? Are the same principles applicable or do we need an entirely different set to describe social network- ing listening politeness?

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Listening Politely A close friend says to you, “That rotten, inconsiderate pig just up and left. He never even said goodbye. We were together for six months and after one small argument he leaves without a word. And he even took my bathrobe—that expensive one he bought for my last birthday.” What are some of the things you can say to demonstrate politeness?

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“I can’t believe I have to rewrite this entire budget report. I really worked hard on this project and now I have to do it all over again.” To this, you get three different responses:

DANNY: That’s not so bad; most people find they have to redo their first reports. That’s the norm here.

KELLY: You should be pleased that all you have to do is a simple rewrite. Sylar and Nathan both had to completely redo their entire projects.

SUZANNE: You have to rewrite that report you’ve worked on for the last three weeks? You sound really angry and frustrated.

All three listeners are probably trying to make you feel better. But they go about it in very different ways and, you can be sure, with very different results. Danny tries to lessen the significance of the rewrite. This well-intended response is extremely common but does little to promote meaningful communication and understanding. Kelly tries to give the situation a positive spin. With these responses, however, both these listeners are also suggesting that you should not be feeling the way you do. They’re implying that your feelings are not legiti- mate and should be replaced with more logical feelings.

Suzanne’s response, however, is different from the others. Suzanne uses active listening. Active listening owes its development to Thomas Gordon (1975), who made it a cornerstone of his P-E-T (Parent Effectiveness Training) technique; it is a process of sending back to the speaker what you as a listener think the speaker meant—both in content and in feelings. Active listening, then, is not merely repeating the speaker’s exact words, but rather putting together your understanding of the speaker’s total message into a meaningful whole.

The Functions of Active Listening Active listening serves several important functions. First, it helps you as a listener to check your understanding of what the speaker said and, more important, of what he or she meant. Reflecting back perceived meanings to the speaker gives the speaker an opportunity to offer clarification and correct any misunderstandings.

Politeness and the Cell PhoneTAbLe 4.5

The ubiquity of the cell phone has led to enormous increases in telephone communication but it has also created problems, many of which are problems of politeness. Because much cell phone usage occurs in a public space, it forces people who have nothing to do with the call to listen to the conversation.

Here are just a few guidelines:

n Avoid using cell phones where inappropriate; for example, restaurants, hospitals, theatres, museums, a commuter bus or train, and the classroom. If you must make or take a call when in these various situations, try to move to a less public area.

n Put your phone on vibrate mode or let your voicemail answer and take a message when your call might interfere with others as it would in the classroom, for example.

n When you can’t avoid taking a call, speak as quietly as possible and as briefly as possible. n Don’t take pictures of people who aren’t posing for you and erase photos if the person you photographed requests it. Of

course, if there’s an accident or a robbery, you may want to photograph the events. n Avoid extended talking when your reception is weak. Walking along a crowded street while talking on your cell is likely to

result in poor reception, which is annoying to the other person and generally impolite. n Because cell phones are always with us, it’s easy to assume that when you have nothing better to do, that the person you’re

calling also has nothing better to do. As with any phone call, it’s wise to ask if this is a good time to call—a strategy that helps maintain the autonomy (negative face) of the person you’re calling.

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Second, through active listening you let the speaker know that you acknowledge and ac- cept his or her feelings. In the sample responses given, the first two listeners challenged the speaker’s feelings. Suzanne, the active listener, accepted what you were feeling. In addition, she also explicitly identified your feelings: “You sound angry and frustrated,” allowing you an opportunity to correct her interpretation if necessary.

Third, active listening stimulates the speaker to explore feelings and thoughts. Suzanne’s response encourages you to elaborate on your feelings and helps you deal with them by talk- ing them through.

A word of caution: In communicating your understanding back to the person, be especially careful to avoid sending what Gordon (1975) calls “solution messages”—messages that tell

the person how he or she should feel or what he or she should do. Four types of messages send solutions, and you’ll want to avoid them in your active listening: n Ordering messages: “Do this. . . .” “Don’t touch that. . . .” n Warning and threatening messages: “If you don’t do this, you’ll . . .”

“If you do that, you’ll . . .” n Preaching and moralizing messages: “People should all . . .” “We all

have responsibilities. . . .” n Advising messages: “Why don’t you . . . ?” “I think you should . . .”

The Techniques of Active Listening Three simple techniques will prove useful as you learn to practice active listening: Paraphrase the

speaker’s meaning, express understanding, and ask questions.

1. Paraphrase the speaker’s meaning. Stating in your own words what you think the speaker means and feels helps ensure understanding and also shows interest in the speaker. Paraphrasing gives the speaker a chance to extend what was originally said. Thus, when Suzanne echoes your thoughts, you’re given the opportunity to elaborate on why rewriting the budget report means so much to you. In paraphrasing, be ob- jective; be especially careful not to lead the speaker in the direction you think he or she should go. Also, be careful that you don’t overdo paraphrase; only a very small percentage of statements need paraphrasing. Paraphrase when you feel there’s a chance for misunderstanding or when you want to express support for the other person and keep the conversation going.

2. Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings. Echo the feelings the speaker ex- pressed or implied (“You must have felt horrible.”). This expression of empathy will help you further check your perception of the speaker’s feelings. This will also allow the speaker to see his or her feelings more objectively (especially helpful when they’re feelings of anger, hurt, or depression) and to elaborate on them.

3. Ask questions. Asking questions ensures your own understanding of the speaker’s thoughts and feelings and secures additional information (“How did you feel when you read your job appraisal report?”). Ask questions to provide just enough stimulation and support for the speaker to feel he or she can elaborate on these thoughts and feelings. These questions should further confirm your interest and concern for the speaker but not pry into unrelated areas or challenge the speaker in any way.

Active listening, then, is not merely repeating the speaker’s exact words, but rather putting together into some meaningful whole your understanding of the speaker’s total message. And incidentally, when combined with empathic listening, it proves the most effective mode for success as a salesperson (Comer & Drollinger, 1999).

As noted earlier, listening styles need to be adjusted to the specific situation. Understanding the nature and skills of these styles should help you make more reasoned and more effective listening choices.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Listening Actively Your six-year-old son comes home from school crying; he says that his new teacher hates him and he hates her and that he doesn’t want to ever go back to school. Instead of reacting with “What did you do wrong?” or some similar expression, you decide to use active listening. What are some of the ways you can do this?

Not all questions are polite to ask. For a brief discussion of impolite questions, see “Impolite Questions, What Are They?” at tcbdevito .blogspot.com. Have you ever asked or been asked an impolite question?

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Culture, Gender, and Listening Listening is difficult in part because of the inevitable differences in communication sys- tems between speaker and listener. Because each person has had a unique set of experi- ences, each person’s meaning system is going to be different from every other person’s. When speaker and listener come from different cultures or are of different genders, these differences and their effects are naturally much greater. Consider culture first.

Culture and listening In a global environment in which people from very different cultures work together, it’s especially important to understand the ways in which cultural differences can influence listening. Three such factors may be singled out: (1) language and speech, (2) nonverbal behaviors, and (3) feedback.

language and Speech Even when speaker and listener speak the same language, they speak it with different meanings and different accents. No two speakers speak exactly the same language. Speakers of the same language will, at the very least, have different mean- ings for the same terms because they have had different experiences.

Speakers and listeners who have different native languages and who may have learned English as a second language will have even greater differences in meaning. Translations never fully capture the meaning in the other language. If your meaning for the word house was learned in a culture in which everyone lived in their own house with lots of land around it, then communicating with someone for whom the meaning of house was learned in a neigh- borhood of high-rise tenements is going to be difficult. Although you’ll each hear the same word, the meanings you’ll each develop will be drastically different. In adjusting your listening— especially in an intercultural setting—understand that the speaker’s meanings may be very different from yours even though you’re speaking in the same language.

In many classrooms throughout the world, there will be a wide range of accents. Students whose native language is a tonal one (in which differences in pitch signal important meaning differences), such as Chinese, may speak other languages such as English with variations in pitch that may seem puzzling to others. Those whose native language is Japanese may have trouble distinguishing l from r in English, for example, since Japanese does not include this distinction. The native language acts as a filter and influences the accent given to the second language.

Nonverbal Behaviors Speakers from different cultures have different display rules—cultural rules that govern what nonverbal behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate in a public setting. As you listen to other people, you also “listen” to their nonverbal cues. If nonverbals are drastically different from what you expect on the basis of the verbal message, you may experience them as a kind of noise or interference or even as contradictory messages. Also, of course, different cultures may give very different meanings to the same nonverbal gesture. For example, the thumb and forefinger forming a circle means “OK” in most of the United States; but it means “money” in Japan, “zero” in some Mediterranean countries, and “I’ll kill you” in Tunisia.

Feedback Members of some cultures give very direct and very frank feedback. Speakers from these cultures—the United States is a good example—expect feedback to be an honest reflection of what their listeners are feeling. In other cultures—Japan and Korea are good examples—it’s more important to be positive than to be truthful; so people may respond with positive feedback (say, in commenting on a business colleague’s proposal) even though they don’t agree with what is being said. Listen to feedback, as you would all messages, with a full recognition that various cultures view feedback very differently.

Gender and listening Men and women learn different styles of listening, just as they learn different styles for using verbal and nonverbal messages. Not surprisingly, these different styles can create major dif- ficulties in opposite-sex interpersonal communication.

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Rapport and Report Talk According to Deborah Tannen (1990) in her best-selling You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, women seek to build rapport and establish closer relationships and use listening to achieve these ends. Men, on the other hand, will play up their expertise, emphasize it, and use it in dominating the interaction. They will talk about things; they report. Women play down their expertise and are more interested in talking about feelings and relationships and in commu- nicating supportiveness. Tannen argues that the goal of a man in conversa- tion is to be given respect, so he seeks to show his knowledge and expertise. A woman, on the other hand, seeks to be liked, so she expresses agreement.

Listening Cues Men and women feed back to the speaker different types of listening cues and consequently show that they’re listening in dif- ferent ways. In conversation, a woman is more apt to give lots of listening

cues—interjecting “Yeah” or “Uh-huh,” nodding in agreement, and smiling. A man is more likely to listen quietly, without giving lots of listening cues as feedback. Women also make more eye contact when listening than do men, who are more apt to look around and often away from the speaker (Brownell, 2006). As a result of these differences, women seem to be more engaged in listening than do men.

Amount and Purposes of Listening Tannen argues that men listen less to women than women listen to men. The reason, says Tannen, is that listening places the person in an inferior position, whereas speaking places the person in a superior position. Men may seem to assume a more argumentative posture while listening, as if getting ready to argue. They also may appear to ask questions that are more argumentative or that seek to puncture holes in your position as a way to play up their own expertise. Women are more likely to ask supportive questions and perhaps offer criticism that is more positive than men. Men and women act this way to both men and women; their customary ways of talking don’t seem to change depend- ing on whether the listener is male or female.

It’s important to note that not all researchers agree that there is sufficient evidence to make the claims that Tannen and others make about gender differences (Goldsmith & Fulfs, 1999). Gender differences are changing drastically and quickly; it’s best to take gener- alizations about gender as starting points for investigation and not as airtight conclusions (Gamble & Gamble, 2003). Further, as you no doubt have observed, gender differences— although significant—are far outnumbered by similarities between males and females. It’s important to be mindful of both differences and similarities.

INTERPERSONAL CHOICE POINT

Support, Not Solutions

You need to make some major decisions in your life,

and you need to bounce these off someone, just to

clarify things in your own mind. Your romantic

partner almost always tries to solve your problems

rather than simply listening supportively. What can

you say by way of preface to get your partner to be

a more supportive listener?

Use your smartphone or tablet device (or log on to mycommunicationlab.com) to hear an audio summary of Chapter 4.

This chapter focused on the nature of listening, the dimensions of listening that you need to con-

sider for effective listening, the influence of culture and gender on listening, and four dimensions of effective listening.

The Importance of Listening: Professional and Relationship Benefits

1. Listening is crucial in a wide range of professions. 2. Listening is crucial to relationship success.

The Process of Listening 3. Listening is an active process of receiving, understanding,

remembering, evaluating, and responding to communica- tions.

4. Listening enables you (1) to learn, to acquire information; (2) to relate, to help form and maintain relationships; (3) to influ- ence, to have an effect on the attitudes and behaviors of others; (4) to play, to enjoy yourself; and (5) to help, to assist others.

Listening Barriers 5. Both listener and speaker share in the responsibility for

effective listening.

Summary

chapter 4 Listening in Interpersonal Communication

6. Among the obstacles to effective listening are physical and mental distractions, biases and prejudices, lack of appro- priate focus, and premature judgment.

Styles of effective listening 7. The empathic–objective listening dimension has to do

with the extent to which you focus on feeling what the speaker is feeling rather than on external reality.

8. The nonjudgmental–critical listening dimension involves the extent to which you accept and support the speaker as opposed to evaluating and analyzing.

9. The surface–depth listening dimension involves the ex- tent to which you focus on obvious surface meanings rather than underlying hidden messages.

10. The politeness-impoliteness dimension refers to the pre- serving of the individuals positive and negative face.

11. The active–inactive listening dimension relates to the ex- tent to which you reflect back what you think the speaker means in content and feeling.

Culture, Gender, and listening 12. Members of different cultures vary on several communi-

cation dimensions that influence listening, among them speech and language, nonverbal behavioral differences, and approaches to feedback.

13. Men and women appear to listen differently; generally, women give more specific listening cues to show they’re listening than do men.

Key Terms

active listening, 101 critical listening, 96 disclaimers, 86 display rules, 103

empathic listening, 95 empathy, 95 evaluating, 90 listening, 85

long-term memory, 89 nonjudgmental listening, 96 objective listening, 95 receiving, 86

remembering, 87 responding, 90 short-term memory, 89 understanding, 87

105

MyCommunicationLab Explorations

Communication Choice Points Revisit the chapter- opening video, “A Bad Day at Work.” Re- call from the video scenario that Harry is upset, but Sue does not know why. “A Bad Day at Work” looks at how Sue’s listening

choices will affect the outcome of this interaction and potentially help Harry better cope with his issues.

Log on to mycommunicationlab.com to view the video for this chapter, “A Bad Day at Work,” and then answer the related discussion questions.

additional Resources This group of listening experiences will help you gain new insights into listening and will help to sharpen your listening skills.

1 Listening to Other Perspectives and 2 How Might You Listen to New Ideas? present two creative thinking tools to sharpen a variety of skills, especially listening. 3 Regulat- ing Your Listening Perspective presents different scenarios that call for different types of listening to heighten your awareness of potential listening choices. 4 Experiencing Active Listening asks you how you’d listen in a variety of situ- ations calling for active listening. 5 Sequential Communi- cation, which you may recognize as the game of “telephone,” will help you identify some of the major errors made in listening. 6 Reducing Barriers to Listening asks how you’d listen effec- tively in difficult situations. 7 Typical Man, Typical Woman explores some of the differences in the way we think of men and women as listeners. 8 Paraphrasing to Ensure Under- standing and 9 How Can You Express Empathy? provide practice in essential listening skills.

5 Principles of Verbal Messages

Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively

Verbal Messages C H A P T E R

PART 2 Interpersonal Messages

Zach, an employee at a small office, is trying to cope with a coworker. Katie is just a little too friendly, constantly chatting. Zach does not want either of them to lose their jobs and would like to remain on good speaking terms with Katie. He tries a couple of strategies with varying levels of success. See how his choices play out in the video “We Have Work to Do” (www.mycommunicationlab.com).

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Why read this chapter?

Because you’ll learn about: n the principles governing verbal messages. n how messages may reflect negatively on others.

Because you’ll learn to: n use verbal messages more effectively. n avoid sexist, heterosexist, racist, and ageist language. n avoid the major barriers to effective critical thinking and mutual understanding.

A s you communicate, you use two major signal systems—the verbal and the nonverbal. Verbal messages are those sent with words. The word verbal refers to words, not to orality; verbal messages consist of both oral and written words. Verbal messages do

not include laughter; vocalized pauses you make when you speak, such as “er,” “um,” and “ah”; or responses you make to others that are oral but don’t involve words, such as “ha-ha,” “aha,” and “ugh!” These sounds are considered nonverbal—as are, of course, facial expressions, eye movements, gestures, and so on. This chapter focuses on verbal messages; the next focuses on nonverbal messages.

Principles of Verbal Messages To clarify the nature of verbal messages and the meanings they create in the minds of listeners, let’s examine some specific prin- ciples: (1) Messages are packaged, (2) meanings are in people, (3) meanings are denotative and connotative, (4) messages vary in abstraction, (5) messages vary in politeness, (6) messages can deceive, (7) messages can criticize and praise, (8) messages vary in assertiveness, (9) messages can confirm and disconfirm, and (10) messages vary in cultural sensitivity. Throughout this dis- cussion you’ll find lots of useful suggestions for more effective interpersonal communication.

Messages Are Packaged Both verbal and nonverbal signals occur simultaneously. Usually, verbal and nonverbal behaviors reinforce or sup- port each other. For example, you don’t usually express fear with words while the rest of your body relaxes. You don’t normally express anger with your body posture while your face smiles. Your entire being works as a whole—verbally and nonverbally—to express your thoughts and feelings. Interestingly enough, this blending of verbal and nonverbal signals seems also to help you think and remember (Iverson & Goldin-Meadow, 1999). Social networking sites enable you to package your messages with simple clicks of the mouse— combining photos and videos with your verbal posts. Even

VIEWPOINTS When asked what they would like to change about the communication patterns of the opposite sex, men said they wanted women to be more direct, and women said they wanted men to stop interrupting and offering advice (Noble, 1994). What one change would you like to see in the communi- cation system of the opposite sex? of your own sex?

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in the text-only Twitter, you can post the URLs to photos, videos, and to sites where you elaborate on your 140-character tweet; for example, a blog post or a website.

You often fail to notice this “packaging” in others’ messages because it seems so natural. But when the nonverbal messages of someone’s posture or face contradict what is said ver- bally, you take special notice. For example, the person who says, “I’m so glad to see you,” but avoids direct eye contact and looks around to see who else is present, is sending contradictory messages. You also see contradictory or mixed messages when couples say they love each other but seem to go out of their way to hurt each other nonverbally—for example, being late for important dates, flirting with others, or avoiding touching each other.

An awareness of the packaged nature of communication, then, suggests a warning against the too-easy interpretation of another’s meaning, especially as revealed in nonverbal behaviors. Before you identify or guess the meaning of any bit of behavior, look at the entire package or cluster of which it’s a part, the way in which the cluster is a response to its context, and the role of the specific nonverbal behavior within that cluster. That attractive person winking in your direction may be giving you the come-on—but don’t rule out the possibility of ill-fitting contact lenses.

Message Meanings Are in People Meaning depends not only on the packaging of messages (the combined verbal and nonver- bal elements), but also on the interaction of these messages and the receiver’s own thoughts and feelings. You don’t “receive” meaning; you create meaning. You construct meaning out of the messages you receive combined with your own social and cultural perspectives (beliefs, attitudes, and values, for example) (Berger & Luckmann, 1980; Delia, 1977; Delia, O’Keefe, & O’Keefe, 1982). Words don’t mean; people mean.

For example, if you wanted to know the meaning of the word love, you’d probably turn to a dictionary. There you’d find, according to Webster’s: “the attraction, desire, or affection felt for a person who arouses delight or admiration.” But where would you turn if you wanted to know what Pedro means when he says, “I’m in love”? Of course, you’d turn to Pedro to discover his meaning. It’s in this sense that meanings are not in words but in people. Consequently, to uncover meaning,

you need to look into people and not merely into words. Also recognize that as you change, you also change the meanings you

create. That is, although the message sent may not have changed, the mean- ings you created from it yesterday and the meanings you create today may be quite different. Yesterday, when a special someone said, “I love you,” you created certain meanings. But today, when you learn that the same “I love you” was said to three other people, or when you fall in love with someone else, you drastically change the meanings you draw from those three words.

Because meanings are in people—and each person is unique and different from every other person—no word or message will mean the same thing to two different people. And this is why, for example, the same message may be perceived as controlling by one person and as a simple request by another. As you can appreciate, this type of mis- understanding can easily lead to interpersonal conflict if we fail to recognize that the meaning is not in the words; it’s in the person. As a result, check your perceptions of another’s meanings by asking ques- tions, echoing what you perceive to be the other person’s feelings or thoughts, seeking elaboration and clarification, and in general practic- ing the skills identified in the discussions of effective interpersonal per- ception and listening (Chapters 3 and 4).

Meanings Are Denotative and Connotative Consider a word such as death. To a doctor this word may mean the mo- ment at which the heart stops beating. This is denotative meaning—a

VIEWPOINTS Consider the differences in mean- ing for such words as religion to a born-again Christian and an atheist, and lunch to a day-laborer and a Wall Street executive. What principles might help such di- verse groups understand the different meanings?

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rather objective description of an event. To a mother whose son has just died, however, the word means much more. It recalls the son’s youth, his ambitions, his family, his illness, and so on. To her, the word is emotional, subjective, and highly personal. These emotional, subjective, and personal associations are the word’s connotative meaning. The denotation of a word is its objective defi- nition; the connotation is its subjective or emotional meaning. Take another example: Compare the term migrant (to designate Mexicans coming into the United States to better their economic condition) with the term settlers (to designate Europeans who came to the United States for the same reason) (Koppelman, 2005). Though both terms describe essentially the same activity (and are essentially the same denotatively), one is often negatively evaluated and the other is more often positively valued (and so differ widely in their connotations).

Now consider a simple nod of the head in answer to the question, “Do you agree?” This gesture is largely denotative and simply says yes. But what about a wink, a smile, or an overly rapid speech rate? These nonverbal expressions are more connotative; they express your feel- ings rather than objective information. The denotative meaning of a message is universal; most people would agree with the denotative meanings and would give similar definitions. Connotative meanings, however, are extremely personal, and few people would agree on the precise connotative meaning of a word or nonverbal behavior.

“Snarl words” and “purr words” may further clarify the distinction between denotative and connotative meaning (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1989; Hoffmann, 2005). Snarl words are highly negative (“She’s an idiot,” “He’s a pig,” “They’re a bunch of losers”). Sexist, racist, and heterosex- ist language and hate speech provide lots of other examples. Purr words are highly positive (“She’s a real sweetheart,” “He’s a dream,” “They’re the greatest”). Although they may sometimes seem to have denotative meaning and refer to the “real world,” snarl and purr words are ac- tually connotative in meaning. They don’t describe people or events; rather, they reveal the speaker’s feelings about these people or events.

In connection with this principle, also keep in mind that verbal and nonverbal messages occur in a context that, to a large extent, determines their meaning (both denotative and con- notative). The same words or behaviors may have totally different meanings when they occur in different contexts. For example, the greeting, “How are you?” means “Hello” to someone you pass regularly on the street, but means “Is your health improving?” when said to a friend in the hospital. A wink to an attractive person on a bus means something completely different from a wink that signifies a put-on or a lie. The same message may be considered gracious in one culture and offensive in another culture.

Similarly, the meaning of a given signal depends on the other behavior it accompanies or is close to in time. Pounding a fist on the table during a speech in support of a politician means something quite different from that same gesture in response to news of a friend’s death. Divorced from the context, both the denotative and the connotative meanings of mes- sages can be hard to determine. Of course, even if you know the context in detail, you still may not be able to decipher the meaning of the message as the speaker intended. But under- standing the context helps and also raises the chances of our accurately understanding the speaker’s message.

Understanding the distinction between denotation and connotation should encourage you to clarify connotative meanings (or ask for clarification) when you anticipate poten- tial misunderstandings; misunderstandings are almost always centered on connotative differences.

Messages Vary in Abstraction Consider the following list of terms: n entertainment n film n American film n classic American film n All about Eve

Do women communicate different messages when they change their names to their husband’s, when they hyphenate their birth name with their husband’s, or when they retain their birth name? Check out “Names” at tcbdevito.blogspot .com. How do you feel about this topic? Do men and women view this similarly or differently?

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Working with Interpersonal Skills

In what ways do you normally metacommunicate? Are these generally productive? What kinds of metacommunication messages do you wish other people would use more often?

Understanding Interpersonal Skills MetacoMMunIcatIon

Verbal messages may refer to the objects and things in the world (in what is called object language) but also to itself—you can talk about your talk, write about your writing (in what is called metacommunication). The prefix meta- can mean a variety of things, but as used in communication, philosophy, and psychology, its meaning is best translated as about. Thus, metacommunication is communication about communication, metalanguage is language about language, and a metamessage is a message about a message.

Actually, you use this distinction every day, perhaps without realizing it. For exam- ple, when you send someone an e-mail with a seemingly sarcastic comment and then put a smiley at the end, the smiley communicates about your communication; it says something like “this message is not to be taken literally; I’m trying to be humorous.” The smiley is a metamessage; it’s a message about a message. When you say, in preface to some comment, “I’m not sure about this, but . . . ,” you’re communicating a message about a message; you’re commenting on the message and asking that it be understood with the qualification that you may be wrong. When you conclude a comment with “I’m only kidding,” you’re metacommunicating; you’re communicating about your communication. In relationship communication you often talk in metalanguage and say things like, “We really need to talk about the way we communicate when we’re out with company” or, “You’re too critical” or, “I love when you tell me how much you love me.”

And, of course, you can also use nonverbal messages to metacommunicate. You can wink at someone to indicate that you’re only kidding or sneer after saying “Yeah, that was great,” with the sneer contradicting the literal meaning of the verbal message.

Increasing Metacommunication Effectiveness. Here are a few suggestions for increasing your metacommunication effectiveness:

n Explain the feelings that go with your thoughts. n Give clear feedforward to help the other person get a general picture of the messages

that will follow. n Paraphrase your own complex messages so as to make your meaning extra clear.

Similarly, check on your understanding of another’s message by paraphrasing what you think the other person means.

n Ask for clarification if you have doubts about another’s meaning. n Use metacommunication when you want to clarify the communication patterns

between yourself and another person: “I’d like to talk about the way you talk about me to our friends” or, “I think we should talk about the way we talk about sex.”

At the top is the general or abstract term entertainment. Note that entertainment includes all the items on the list plus various others—television, novels, drama, comics, and so on. Film is more specific and concrete. It includes all of the items below it as well as various other items, such as Indian film or Russian film. It excludes, however, all entertainment that is not film. Amer- ican film is again more specific and excludes all films that aren’t American. Classic American film further limits American film to a relatively small group of highly acclaimed films. And All about Eve specifies concretely the one item to which reference is made.

The more general term—in this case, entertainment—conjures up many different images. One person may focus on television, another on music, another on comic books, and still

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another on radio. To some, the word film may bring to mind the early silent films. To oth- ers, it brings to mind high-tech special effects. To still others, it recalls Disney’s animated cartoons. All about Eve guides the listener still further—in this case to one film. But note that even though All about Eve identifies one film, different listeners are likely to focus on differ- ent aspects of the film: perhaps its character development, perhaps its love story, perhaps its financial success.

Effective verbal messages include words at many levels of abstraction. At times an abstract, general term may suit your needs best; at other times a more concrete, specific term may serve better. Generally, however, the specific term will prove the better choice. As you get more specific— less abstract—you more effectively guide the images that will come into your listeners’ minds. In much the same way that you use specific terms to direct your face-to-face listeners’ attention to exactly what you want them to focus on, you also use specific terms to direct an Internet search engine to narrow its focus to (ideally) just those items you want to access.

Messages Vary in Politeness One of the best ways to look at politeness (consideration, respect, etc.) in interpersonal communication is in terms of both positive and negative politeness, concepts introduced in Chapter 3 (pp. 75–76). You’ll recall that both of these forms of politeness are responsive to two needs that each person has: (1) Each of us wishes to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably; this is referred to as maintaining positive face. And (2) Each of us desires to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish; this is referred to as maintain- ing negative face. Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, involves behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face.

Politeness and Directness Messages that support or attack face needs (the latter are called “face-threatening acts” or FTAs) are often discussed in terms of direct and indirect lan- guage. Directness is usually less polite and may infringe on a person’s need to maintain negative face—“Write me the recommendation.” “Lend me $100.” Indirectness allows the person to maintain autonomy (negative face) and provides an acceptable way for the person to refuse your request.

Indirect messages also allow you to express a desire or preference without insulting or offending anyone; they allow you to observe the rules of polite interaction. So instead of saying, “I’m bored with this group,” you say, “It’s getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow,” or you look at your watch and pretend to be surprised by the time. Instead of say- ing, “This food tastes like cardboard,” you say, “I just started my diet” or, “I just ate.”

Sometimes indirect messages allow you to ask for compli- ments in a socially acceptable manner. In saying, “I was think- ing of getting my eyes done,” you hope to get the response “Your eyes? They’re perfect as they are.”

As noted in the Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research box (p. 113), women are more polite in their speech and, not surprisingly, use more indirect statements when mak- ing requests than do men. This difference seems to have both positive and negative implications. Indirect statements, in be- ing more polite, are generally perceived positively; yet they may also be perceived negatively if they are seen as being weaker and less authoritative than more direct statements. Partly for cultural reasons, indirect statements also may be seen as ma- nipulative or underhanded, whereas direct statements may be seen as straightforward and honest.

VIEWPOINTS How would you describe the level of direct- ness you use when talking face-to-face versus the level you use in social networking? If you notice differences, to what do you attribute them?

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Influences on Politeness Politeness is considered a desirable trait across most cultures (Brown & Levinson, 1987). Cultures differ, however, in how they define politeness. For example, among English speakers politeness involves showing consideration for others and presenting yourself with confidence and polish. In Japanese it involves showing respect, especially for those in higher-status positions, and presenting yourself with modesty (Haugh, 2004). Cultures also vary in how important they consider politeness as compared with, say, openness or hon- esty. And, of course, cultures differ in the rules for expressing politeness or impoliteness and in the punishments for violating the accepted rules (Mao, 1994; Strecker, 1993). For example, members of Asian cultures, especially those of China and Japan, are often singled out because they emphasize politeness and mete out harsher social punishments for violations than would people in the United States or Western Europe (Fraser, 1990).

In the business world politeness is recognized as an important part of interpersonal in- teractions. In one study some 80 percent of employees surveyed believed that they did not get respect at work, and 20 percent felt they were victims of weekly incivility (Tsiantar, 2005). Rudeness in the workplace, it’s been argued, reduces performance effectiveness, hurts creativ- ity, and leads to increased worker turnover—all of which is costly for the organization.

Culture is, of course, not the only factor influencing politeness. Your personality and your professional training will influence your degree of politeness and how you express politeness (Edstrom, 2004). And the context of communication will influence politeness; formal situa- tions in which there is considerable power difference call for greater politeness than informal circumstances in which the power differences are minimal (Mullany, 2004). And, as men- tioned earlier, gender also influences politeness, as does your relationship stage (see Chapter 9, pp. 245–246).

Politeness in Inclusion and Exclusion Another perspective on politeness can be seen in messages of inclusion and exclusion. Inclusive messages include all people present and ac- knowledge the relevance of others and are normally considered polite. Exclusive messages shut out specific people or entire cultural groups and are normally considered impolite.

You see messages of exclusion in the use of in-group language in the presence of an out- group member. When doctors get together and discuss medicine, there’s no problem. But when they get together with someone who isn’t a doctor, they often fail to adjust to this new person. Instead, they may continue with discussions of procedures, symptoms, medications, and so on, excluding others present. Excluding talk also occurs when people of the same na- tionality get together within a larger, more heterogeneous group and use the language of their nationality. Similarly, references to experiences not shared by all (experiences such as having children, exotic vacations, and people we know) can serve to include some and exclude others. The use of these terms and experiences can exclude outsiders from full participation in the communication act (Sizemore, 2004).

Another form of excluding talk is the use of the terms of your own cultural group as uni- versal, as applying to everyone. In using such terms, you exclude others. For example, church refers to the place of worship for specific religions, not all religions. Similarly, Bible refers to the Christian religious scriptures and is not a general term for religious scriptures. Nor does the Judeo-Christian tradition include the religious traditions of everyone. Similarly, the terms marriage, husband, and wife refer to some heterosexual relationships and exclude others; in most of the world they also exclude same-sex relationships. Instead, consider the vast array of alternative terms that are inclusive rather than exclusive. For example, the Association of American University Presses (Schwartz et al., 1995) recommends using place of worship instead of church when you wish to include the religious houses of worship of all people. Similarly, committed relationship is more inclusive than marriage, couples therapy is more inclusive than marriage counseling, and life partner is more inclusive than husband or wife. Religious scriptures is more inclusive than Bible. Of course, if you’re referring to, say, a specific Baptist church or married heterosexual couples, then the terms church and marriage are perfectly appropriate.

For a brief discussion of some gender differences, see “Gender Differences” at tcbdevito.blogspot .com. What gender differences do you observe?

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Politeness Online The Internet has very specific rules for politeness, called netiquette or in the case of Twitter, twittiquette. Much as the rules of etiquette provide guidance in com- municating in face-to-face social situations, the rules of netiquette and twittiquette provide guidance for communicating politely online (McFedries, 2010). These rules not only make on- line communication more pleasant and easier but also improve your personal efficiency. Here are some key guidelines: n Familiarize yourself with the site before contributing. Before asking questions about

the system, read the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs). Your question has probably been asked before and you’ll put less strain on the system. Lurk before speaking; read posted notices and conversations before you contribute anything yourself. Observe the kinds of photos posted and the language used. Lurking (which, in online communication is good) will help you learn the rules of the particular group and will help you avoid saying things you’d like to take back.

n Be brief. Communicate only the information that is needed; communicate clearly, briefly, and in an organized way. Don’t over-tweet. Communicate when you have something to say; not every one of your thoughts is worth a tweet or Facebook post. The same is true of photos; not everyone wants to see 27 photos of your cat.

n Be gentle. Refuse a request for friendship gently or ignore it. There’s no need to go into great detail about why you don’t want to be friends with this person. And if you’re refused, don’t ask for reasons. Social networkers consider it impolite to ask for reasons why your request is refused.

Working with Theories and Research

Based on your own observations of and interactions with men and women, what can you add to the discussion here?

Throughout this text, gender differences are discussed in a wide variety of contexts. In regard to directness, research finds that women are more indirect in giving orders, for example, than are men; they are more likely to say something like “It would be great if these letters could go out today” than “Have these letters out by three.” Men are more likely to be indirect when they express weakness, reveal a problem, or admit an er- ror. Generally, men will speak indirectly when expressing meanings that violate the masculine stereotype. Women are generally more polite and will express empathy, sympathy, and supportiveness more than men. One researcher distinguishes three broad sets of reasons or theories to explain gender differences in communication (Holmes, 1995):

n Biological Differences. Some theories argue that gender differences are due to innate biological differences. Thus, gender differences in communication, such as in politeness or in listening behavior, are the result of inherited biological factors that have evolved over millions of years.

n Socialization. Other theories suggest that gender differences are due to different patterns of socialization. Thus, the gender differences that you observe in communication are due to the ways in which boys and girls are raised and taught.

n Social Power. A third group of theories contend that gender differ- ences are due to inequalities in social power. For example, because of women’s lesser social power, they’re more apt to communicate with greater deference and politeness than are men.

Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research theoRIeS of GendeR dIffeRenceS

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n Don’t shout. WRITING IN CAPS IS PERCEIVED AS SHOUTING. It’s okay to use caps occasionally to achieve emphasis. If you wish to give emphasis, highlight _like this_ or *like this*.

n Be discrete. Don’t use social networking information outside the network. It’s considered inappropriate and impolite to relay information that you find on Facebook, for example, to those who are not also friends with the person talked about (and who therefore would not have access to the same information about the person that you do).

n Don’t spam or flame. Don’t send unsolicited mail, repeatedly send the same mail, or post the same message (or irrelevant messages) to lots of newsgroups. Don’t make personal attacks on other users. As in face-to-face conflict, personal attacks are best avoided on the Internet.

n Avoid offensive language. Refrain from expressions that would be considered offensive to others, such as sexist or racist terms. As you may know, software is available that will scan your e-mail, alert you if you may have broken an organizational rule, and give you a chance to revise your potentially offensive e-mail. This suggestion is especially important when you write on someone’s wall in, say, Facebook or post an unflattering photo for all to see.

n Be considerate. Avoid asking to be friends with someone you suspect may have reason for not wanting to admit you. For example, your work associate may not want you to see her or his profile; if you ask, you put your colleague in an awkward position. In this case, you might use indirect messages; for example, you might say that you want to expand your networking to work colleagues and see how your colleague responds.

n Don’t advertise. Don’t market a product, yourself, or your services on Twitter; it’s permissible on Facebook but do it discretely. It’s better to direct someone to another site; say, a blog or website.

n Don’t plagiarize. Give credit to others for the ideas you post and certainly any direct quotations.

n Don’t brag. Social networking’s norm is modesty, at least as most social networkers think about it. So, don’t brag, for example, about the number of followers you have or the num-

ber of friends. Although the Twitter site includes a badge that indicates your total number of followers, it’s the Twitter site that is posting the number of followers rather than you.

Message Meanings Can Deceive It comes as no surprise that some messages are truthful and some are deceptive. Although we operate in interpersonal com- munication on the assumption that people tell the truth, some people do lie. In fact, many view lying as common, whether in politics, business, or interpersonal relationships (Amble, 2005; Knapp, 2008). Lying also begets lying; when one person lies, the likelihood of the other person lying increases (Tyler, Feldman, & Reichert, 2006). Furthermore, people like people who tell the truth more than they like people who lie. So, lying needs to be given some attention in any consideration of interpersonal communication.

Lying refers to the act of (1) sending messages (2) with the intention of giving another person information you be- lieve to be false. (1) Lying involves sending some kind of ver- bal and/or nonverbal message (and remember the absence of facial expression or the absence of verbal comment com- municates); it also requires reception by another person. (2) The message must be sent to intentionally deceive. If you give false information to someone but you believe it to be true, then you haven’t lied. You do lie when you send information that you believe to be untrue and you intend to mislead the other person.

VIEWPOINTS Most often people lie to gain some benefit or reward (for example, to increase desirable relationships, to protect their self-esteem, or to obtain money) or to avoid punishment. In an analysis of 322 lies, researchers found that 75.8 percent benefited the liar, 21.7 percent benefited the person who was told the lie, and 2.5 percent benefited a third party (Camden, Motley, & Wilson, 1984). Are lies told to benefit others less unethical than lies told to benefit yourself?

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Not surprisingly, cultural differences exist with lying—in the way lying is defined and in the way lying is treated. For example, as children get older, Chinese and Taiwanese (but not Canadians) see lying about the good deeds that they do as positive (as we’d expect for cultures that emphasize modesty), but taking credit for these same good deeds is seen negatively (Lee et al., 2002).

Some cultures consider lying to be more important than others—in one study, for example, European Americans considered lies less nega- tively than did Ecuadorians. Both, however, felt that lying to an out- group member was more acceptable than lying to an in-group member (Mealy, Stephan, & Urrutia, 2007).

Types of Lies Lies vary greatly in type; each lie seems a bit differ- ent from every other lie. Here is one useful system that classifies lies into four types (McGinley, 2000).

Pro-social Deception: To Achieve Some Good. These are lies that are designed to benefit the person lied to or lied about. For example, praising a person’s effort to give him or her more confidence or to tell someone they look great to simply make them feel good would be examples of pro-social lies. Many of these lies are taught by the culture (Talwar, Murphy, & Kang, 2007). For example, adults might teach children about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy on the theory that these beliefs somehow benefit the child.

Some pro-social lies are expected and to not lie would be considered impolite. For example, it would be impolite to tell parents that their child is ugly (even if you firmly believe that the child is in fact ugly). The only polite course is to lie. Still another type of pro-social lie is when you lie to someone who would harm others. So, you’d lie to an enemy or to someone intending to hurt another person. These lies too would be expected and to not lie would likely brand you as contributing to any harm done as a result of your telling the truth. Not surprisingly children learn pro-social lying early in life and it remains the major type of lie children (and likely adults as well) tell (McGinley, 2000).

Self-Enhancement Deception: To Make Yourself Look Good. Not all self-enhancement in- volves deception. For example, the impression-management strategies discussed earlier (pp. 73–79) may be used to simply highlight what is already true about you and that others may not see at first glance. And so, you might mention your accomplishments to establish your credibility. If these accomplishments are true, then this impression-management effort is not deception.

At the same time, however, each of the impression-management strategies may also in- volve self-enhancement deception. So, for example, you might mention your good grades but omit the poorer ones; you might recount you generous acts and omit any selfish ones; or you might embellish your competence, lie about your financial situation, or present yourself as a lot more successful than you really are.

Selfish Deception: To Protect Yourself. These lies are designed to protect yourself. Some- times it’s something as simple as not answering the phone because you are busy. In this case, no one really gets hurt. But some selfish deception strategies may involve hurting others. For example, you might imply that you did most of the work for the report—protecting yourself but also hurting the reputation of your colleague. Or you might conceal certain facts to protect yourself—previous failed relationships, an unsavory family history, or being fired. Hiding an extra-relational affair is perhaps the classic example of selfish deception.

Sometimes selfish deception is designed to protect the relationship and so, for example, you might lie about a one-time infidelity to both protect yourself (and perhaps your partner as well), but also to protect and maintain the relationship.

Anti-social Deception: To Harm Someone. These lies are designed to hurt another person. For example, such lies might include spreading false rumors about someone you dislike or

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Making an Excuse Your friend is very upset over a recent breakup and wants to patch things up and so asks to borrow your car. You don’t think your friend is in any position to drive and you need to refuse lending the car. What are some of the things you might say to refuse this request—a request you’ve always complied with on previous occasions? Would it be permissible (ethical) to make up some excuse for refusing, such as you needed the car?

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falsely accusing an opposing candidate of some wrongdoing (something you see regularly in political debates). Fighting parents may falsely accuse each other of a variety of wrongdoing to gain the affection and loyalty of the child. Falsely accusing another person of a wrong you did yourself would be perhaps the clearest example of anti-social deception.

How People Lie As you can imagine people lie in various ways (Knapp, 2008; Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010): n Exaggeration. Here you lead people to believe that, for example, you earn more money

than you do or that your grades are better than they are, or that your relationship is more satisfying than it really is.

n Minimization. Instead of exaggerating the facts, here you minimize them. You can minimize your lack of money (we have more than enough), the importance of poor grades, or your rela- tionship dissatisfaction.

n Substitution. In this method you exchange the truth for a lie—for example, I wasn’t at the bar, I stopped in at Starbucks for coffee.

n Equivocation. When you equivocate, your message is sufficiently ambiguous to lead people to think something different from your intention. That outfit really is something, very interesting instead of Ugh!

n Omission. And of course you can lie by not sending certain messages. So, when your romantic partner asks where you were last night, you might omit those things your partner would frown on and just include the positives.

The Behavior of Liars One of the more interesting questions about lying is how do liars act. Do they act differently from those telling the truth? And, if they do act differently, how can we tell when someone is lying to us? These questions are not easy to answer and we are far from having complete answers to such questions. But, we have learned a great deal.

For example, after an examination of 120 research studies, the following behaviors were found to most often accompany lying (DePaulo, et al, 2003; Knapp, 2008): n Liars hold back. They speak more slowly (perhaps to monitor what they’re saying), take

longer to respond to questions (again, perhaps monitoring their messages), and generally give less information and elaboration.

n Liars make less sense. Liar’s messages contain more discrepancies; more inconsistencies. n Liars give a more negative impression. Generally, liars are seen as less willing to be

cooperative, smile less than truth-tellers, and are more defensive. n Liars are tense. The tension may be revealed by their higher pitched voices and excessive

body movements.

It’s very difficult to detect when a person is lying and when telling the truth. The hundreds of research studies conducted on this topic find that in most instances people judge lying ac- curately in less than 60 percent of the cases—only slightly better than chance (Knapp, 2008).

And there is some evidence to show that lie detection is even more difficult (that is, less ac- curate) in long-standing romantic relationships—the very relationships in which the most sig- nificant lying occurs (Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi, 2007). One of the most important reasons for this is the truth bias. In most situations we assume that the person is telling the truth; as noted earlier in this chapter, we normally operate under the quality principle, which assumes that what a person says is the truth. This truth bias is especially strong in long-term relation- ships, where it’s simply expected that each person tells the truth. There are, however, situa- tions where there is a lie bias. For example, in prison where lying is so prevalent and where lie detection is a crucial survival skill, prisoners often operate with a lie bias and assume that what the speaker is saying is a lie (Knapp, 2008).

A related reason is that because of the truth bias, you may unconsciously avoid cues to lying in close relationships that you might easily notice at work, for example, simply as a kind of self-protection. After all, you wouldn’t want to think that your long-term relationship partner would lie to you.

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EthIcal choIcE PoIntS n Is it ethical to lie to get what you deserved but couldn’t get any other way? For

example, would you lie to get a well-earned promotion or raise? Would it matter if you hurt a colleague’s chances of advancement in the process?

n Is it ethical to lie to your relationship partner to avoid a conflict and perhaps splitting up? In this situation, would it be ethical to lie if the issue was a minor one (you were late for an appointment because you wanted to see the end of the football game) or a major one (say, continued infidelity)?

n Is it ethical to lie to get yourself out of an unpleasant situation? For example, would you lie to get out of an unwanted date, an extra office chore, or a boring conversation?

n Is it ethical to lie about the reasons for breaking up a relationship to make it easier for you and the other person? For example, would you conceal that you’ve fallen in love with another person (or that you’re simply bored with the relationship or that the physical attraction is gone) in your breakup speech?

n Is it ethical to exaggerate the consequences of an act in order to discourage it? For example, would you lie about the bad effects of marijuana in order to prevent your children or your students from using it?

n Is it ethical to lie about yourself in order to appear more appealing—for example, saying you were younger or richer or more honest than you really are? For example, would you lie in your profile on Facebook or MySpace or on a dating website to increase your chances of meeting someone really special?

Not surprisingly, lies have ethical implications. In fact, one of the earliest cultural rules children are taught is that lying is wrong. At the same time, children also learn that in some cases lying is effective—in gaining some reward or in avoiding some punishment.

Some pro-social, self-enhancement, and selfish-deception lies are considered ethical (for example, publicly agreeing with someone you really disagree with to enable the person to save face, saying that someone will get well despite medical evidence to the contrary, or simply bragging about your accomplishments). Some lies are considered not only ethical but required (for example, lying to protect someone from harm or telling the proud parents that their child is beautiful). Other lies (largely those in the anti-social category) are considered unethical (for example, lying to defraud investors or to falsely accuse someone).

However, a large group of lies are not that easy to classify as ethical or unethical, as you’ll see in the Ethical Choice Points.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication LyInG

Another reason that makes lie detection so difficult in close relationships is that the liar knows how to lie largely because he or she knows how you think and can therefore tailor lies that you’ll fall for. And, of course, the liar often has considerable time to rehearse the lie, which generally makes lying more effective (that is, less easy to detect).

Nevertheless, there are some communication factors that seem to be more often associ- ated with lying (Andersen, 2004; Leathers & Eaves, 2008). None of these, taken alone or in a group, is proof that a person is lying. Liars can be especially adept at learning to hide any signs that they might be lying. Nor is an absence of these features proof that the person is telling the truth. Generally, however, liars exhibit: n greater pupil dilation and more eye blinks; more gaze aversion. n higher vocal pitch; voices sound as if they were under stress.

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n more errors and hesitations in their speech; they pause more and for longer periods of time.

n more hand, leg, and foot movements. n more self-touching movements—for example, touching their face or hair—and more ob-

ject touching—for example, playing with a coffee cup or pen.

In detecting lying, be especially careful that you formulate any conclusions with a clear understanding that you can be wrong, and that accusations of lying (especially when untrue but even when true) can often damage a relationship to the point where it’s beyond repair. In addition, keep in mind all the cautions and potential errors in perception discussed earlier; after all, lie detection is a part of person perception.

Messages Can Criticize and Praise Throughout your communication experiences, you’re expected to criticize, evaluate, and otherwise to render judgment on some person or on something someone did or cre-

ated. Especially in helping professions such as teaching, nursing, or counseling, criticism is an important and frequently used skill. The problem arises when criticism is used outside of its helping function—when it’s inappropriate or excessive. An important inter- personal skill is to develop a facility for detecting when a person is asking for criticism and when that person is simply asking for a compliment. For example, when a friend asks how you like his or her new apartment, the friend may be searching for a compliment rather than wanting you to itemize all the things wrong with the place. Similarly, the person who says, “Do I look okay?” may be asking for a compliment.

Sometimes the desire to be liked (or perhaps the need to be appreciated) is so strong that we go to the other extreme and lavish praise on everything. The most ordinary jacket, the most hackneyed thought, the most average meal are given extraordinary praise, way beyond their merits. Both overly

critical and overly complimentary individuals soon find that their comments are no longer met with concern or interest.

In expressing praise, keep the following in mind: n Use I-messages. Instead of saying, “That report was good,” say, “I thought that report was

good” or “I liked your report.” n Make sure your affect ( facial expression of feelings) is positive. Often, when people

praise others simply because it’s the socially correct response, they may betray their lack of conviction with too little or inappropriate affect.

n Name the behavior you’re praising. Instead of saying, “That was good,” say, “I liked your assertiveness” or “You really made them feel comfortable.”

n Take culture into consideration. Many Asians, for example, feel uncomfortable when praised because they may interpret praise as a sign of veiled criticism (Dresser, 2005).

As an alternative to excessive criticism or praise, consider the principle of honest appraisal. Tell the truth—but note that there is an art to truth telling, just as there is an art to all other forms of effective communication. First, distinguish between instances in which an honest appraisal is sought and those in which the individual needs a compliment. Respond on the appropriate level. Second, if an honest appraisal is desired and if yours is negative, give some consideration to how you should phrase your criticism.

In giving criticism, focus on the event or the behavior rather than on personality; for example, say, “This paper has four typos and has to be redone” rather than “You’re a lousy typist; do this over.” In offering criticism, be specific. Instead of saying, “This paper is weak,” say, “I think the introduc- tion wasn’t clear enough. Perhaps a more specific statement of purpose would have worked better.”

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Confronting a Lie You ask about the previous night’s whereabouts of your romantic partner of two years and are told something you know beyond any doubt to be false. You don’t want to break up the relationship over this, but you do want the truth and an opportunity to resolve the problems that contributed to this situation. What are some of the things you might say to achieve your purposes? What are some types of things you’d definitely want to avoid saying?

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Try to state criticism positively, if at all possible. Rather than saying, “You look terrible in black,” it might be more helpful to say, “You look best in bright colors.” In this way, you’re also being constructive; you’re explaining what can be done to make the situation better. If you do express criticism that seems to prove destructive, it may be helpful to offer a direct apology or to disclaim any harmful intentions (Baron, 1990). In your positive statement of criticism, try to demonstrate that your criticism stems from your caring and concern for the other person (Hornsey, Bath, & Gunthorpe, 2004). Instead of saying, “The introduction to your report is boring,” say, “I really want your report to be great; I’d open with some humor to get the group’s attention.” Or say, “I want you to make a good impression. I think the dark suit would work better.”

Avoid implying that because of the criticism, approval or affection will be withdrawn (Marano, 2008). When you criticize specific behavior rather than the person as a whole, this is less likely to happen. n Own your thoughts and feelings. Instead of saying, “Your report was unintelligible,” say,

“I had difficulty following your ideas.” At the same time, avoid mind reading. Instead of say- ing, “Don’t you care about the impression you make? This report is terrible,” say, “I think I would use a stronger introduction and a friendlier writing style.”

n Be clear. Many people tend to phrase their criticism ambiguously, thinking that this will hurt less. Research suggests, however, that although ambiguous criticism may appear more polite, it also will appear less honest, less competent, and not necessarily more posi- tive (Edwards & Bello, 2001).

n Avoid ordering or directing the other person to change (remember that this attacks a person’s negative face); try identifying possible alternatives. Instead of saying, “Don’t be so forward when you’re first introduced to someone,” consider saying, “I think they might respond better to a less forward approach.” Also, whether with workplace col- leagues or in relationships, generally avoid what one writer has called “microinequities”— subtle putdowns, sarcastic remarks, and gestures that imply a lack of concern or interest (Lubin, 2004).

n Consider the context of the criticism. Generally, it’s best to express criticism in situa- tions where you can interact with the person and express your attitudes in dialogue rather than monologue. By this principle, then, your first choice would be to express criticism face-to-face and your second choice would be by telephone; a distant third choice would be by letter, memo, or e-mail. Also, try to express your criticism in private. This is especially important when you are dealing with members of cultures in which public criticism can result in a serious loss of face.

As a receiver of criticism, consider the motivation behind the criti- cism. Some criticism, the kind discussed so far, is well intentioned and is designed to help you improve your performance or benefit you in some way. But some criticism is motivated by less noble purposes and may be designed to hurt or to humiliate you. Criticism that is not con- structive needs to be examined mindfully. Criticism uttered in conflict or in times of rising emotions may be harsher and more hurtful than criti- cism given in calmer moments.

Messages Vary in Assertiveness If you disagree with other people in a group, do you speak your mind? Do you allow others to take advantage of you because you’re reluctant to say what you want? Do you feel uncomfortable when you have to state your opinion in a group? Questions such as these speak to your degree of assertiveness. Before reading further about this aspect of communication, take the following self-test, “How Assertive Are Your Messages?”

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Criticizing You’re supervising a group of five interns who have been doing just about nothing. You don’t want to discourage them or criticize them too harshly, but at the same time you have to get them to do some work. What are some of the things you can say to help turn this group around? What are some of the things you should probably avoid saying?

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Assertive people operate with an “I win, you win” philosophy; they assume that both parties can gain something from an interpersonal interaction, even from a confrontation. Assertive people are more positive and score lower on measures of hopelessness than do nonassertive people (Velting, 1999). Assertive people are willing to assert their own rights. Unlike their aggressive counterparts, however, they don’t hurt others in the process. Asser- tive people speak their minds and welcome others to do likewise.

Do realize that, as with many other aspects of communication, there will be wide cultural differences when it comes to assertiveness. For example, the values of assertiveness are more likely to be extolled in individualist cultures than in collectivist cultures. Assertiveness will be valued more by those cultures that stress competition, individual success, and independence. It will be valued much less by those cultures that stress cooperation, group success, and the interdependence of all members on one another. American students, for example, are found to be significantly more assertive than Japanese or Korean students (Thompson, Klopf, & Ishii, 1991; Thompson & Klopf, 1991). Thus, for some situations, assertiveness may be an effective strategy in one culture but may create problems in another. Assertiveness with an elder in many Asian and Hispanic cultures may be seen as insulting and disrespectful.

Most people are nonassertive in certain situations. If you’re one of these people and if you wish to increase your assertiveness, consider the following steps (Bower & Bower, 2005; Windy & Constantinou, 2005). (If you are always nonassertive and are unhappy about this, then you may need to work with a therapist to change your behavior.)

Analyze Assertive Communications The first step in increasing your assertiveness skills is to understand the nature of assertive communications. Observe and analyze the messages of others. Learn to distinguish the differences among assertive, aggressive, and nonassertive messages. Focus on what makes one behavior assertive and another behavior nonassertive or aggressive. After you’ve gained some skills in observing the behaviors of others, turn your analysis to yourself. Analyze situations in which you’re normally assertive and situations in which you’re more likely to act nonassertively or aggressively. What char- acterizes these situations? What do the situations in which you’re normally assertive have in common? How do you speak? How do you communicate nonverbally?

Indicate how true each of the following statements is about your own communication. Respond instinctively rather than in the way you feel you should respond. Use the following scale: 5 = always or almost always true; 4 = usually true; 3 = sometimes true, sometimes false; 2 = usually false; and 1 = always or almost always false.

_____ 1. I would express my opinion in a group even if my view contradicted the opinions of others. _____ 2. When asked to do something that I really don’t want to do, I can say no without feeling guilty. _____ 3. I can express my opinion to my superiors on the job. _____ 4. I can start up a conversation with a stranger on a bus or at a business gathering without fear. _____ 5. I voice objection to people’s behavior if I feel it infringes on my rights.

how did you do? All five items in this test identified characteristics of assertive communication. So high scores (say about 20 and above) would indicate a high level of assertiveness. Low scores (say about 10 and below) would indicate a low level of assertiveness.

What Will you do? The discussion in this section clarifies the nature of assertive communication and offers guidelines for increasing your own assertiveness. Consider these suggestions as ways to increase your own assertiveness and at the same time to reduce your aggressive tendencies when appropriate.

how assertive are your Messages?Test Yourself

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Rehearse Assertive Communications One way to rehearse assertiveness is to use de- sensitization techniques (Dwyer, 2005; Wolpe, 1958). Select a situation in which you’re normally nonassertive. Build a hierarchy that begins with a relatively nonthreatening message and ends with the desired communication. For example, let’s say that you have difficulty voicing your opinion to your supervisor at work. The desired behavior then is to tell your supervisor your opinions. To desensitize yourself, construct a hierarchy of visualized situations leading up to this desired behavior. Such a hierarchy might begin with visualizing yourself talking with your boss. Visualize this scenario until you can do it without any anxiety or discomfort. Once you have mastered this visualization, visualize a step closer to your goal, such as walking into your boss’s office. Again, do this until your visualization creates no discomfort. Continue with these succes- sive visualizations until you can visualize yourself telling your boss your opinion. As with the other visualizations, do this until you can do it while totally relaxed. This is the mental rehearsal. You might add a vocal dimension to this by actually acting out (with voice and gesture) your telling your boss your opinion. Again, do this until you experience no difficulty or discomfort. Next, try doing this in front of a trusted and supportive friend or group of friends. Ideally this interaction will provide you with useful feedback. After this rehearsal, you’re probably ready for the next step.

Communicate Assertively This step is naturally the most difficult but obviously the most important. Here’s a generally effective pattern to follow in communicating assertively:

1. Describe the problem. Don’t evaluate or judge it. “We’re all working on this advertis- ing project together. You’re missing half our meetings, and you still haven’t produced your first report.” Be sure to use I-messages and to avoid messages that accuse or blame the other person.

2. State how this problem affects you. Tell the person how you feel. “My job depends on the success of this project, and I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do extra work to make up for what you’re not doing.”

3. Propose solutions that are workable. Propose solutions that allow the person to save face. Describe or visualize the situation if your solution were put into effect. “If you can get your report to the group by Tuesday, we’ll still be able to meet our deadline. I could give you a call on Monday to remind you.”

4. Confirm understanding. “It’s clear that we can’t produce this project if you’re not going to pull your own weight. Will you have the report to us by Tuesday?”

Keep in mind that assertiveness is not always the most desirable response. Assertive people are assertive when they want to be, but they can be nonassertive if the situation calls for it. For example, you might wish to be nonassertive in a situation in which assertiveness might emo- tionally hurt the other person. Let’s say that an older relative wishes you to do something for her or him. You could assert your rights and say no, but in doing so you would probably hurt this person; it might be better simply to do as asked. Of course, there are limits that should be observed. You should be careful in such a situation that you’re not hurt instead.

A note of caution should be added to this discussion. It’s easy to visualize a situation in which, for example, people are talking behind you in a movie, and with your newfound enthusiasm for assertiveness, you tell them to be quiet. It’s also easy to see yourself getting smashed in the teeth as a result. In applying the principles of assertive communication, be careful that you don’t go beyond what you can handle effectively.

Messages Can Confirm and Disconfirm The language behaviors known as confirmation and disconfirmation have to do with the extent to which you acknowledge another person. Consider this situation: You’ve been living with someone for the last six months and you arrive home late one night. Your partner, let’s say Pat,

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Rejecting Directly Your supervisor seems never to get you the work you need early in the day; instead you receive the work late in the afternoon and invariably have to stay late to finish it. You’ve tried politeness and it didn’t work; you need to be more forceful. In what ways can you express your feelings assertively to achieve your goal and yet not alienate or insult your colleague?

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is angry and complains about your being so late. Of the following responses, which are you most likely to give?

1. Stop screaming. I’m not interested in what you’re babbling about. I’ll do what I want, when I want. I’m going to bed.

2. What are you so angry about? Didn’t you get in three hours late last Thursday when you went to that office party? So knock it off.

3. You have a right to be angry. I should have called to tell you I was going to be late, but I got involved in a serious debate at work and I couldn’t leave until it was resolved.

In response 1, you dismiss Pat’s anger and even indicate dismissal of Pat as a person. In response 2, you reject the validity of Pat’s reasons for being angry, although you do not dismiss either Pat’s feelings of anger or of Pat as a person. In response 3, you acknowledge Pat’s anger and the reasons for being angry. In addition, you provide some kind of explanation and, in doing so, show that both Pat’s feelings and Pat as a person are important and that Pat has the right to know what happened. The first response is an example of disconfirmation, the second of rejection, and the third of confirmation.

Psychologist William James once observed that “no more fiendish punishment could be devised, even were such a thing physically possible, than that one should be turned loose in society and remain absolutely unnoticed by all the members thereof.” In this often-quoted observation, James identifies the essence of disconfirmation (Veenendall & Feinstein, 1995; Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967).

Disconfirmation is a communication pattern in which you ignore a person’s presence as well as that person’s communications. You say, in

effect, that the person and what she or he has to say aren’t worth serious attention. Disconfirming responses often lead to loss of self-esteem (Sommer, Williams, Ciarocco, & Baumeister, 2001).

Note that disconfirmation is not the same as rejection. In rejection, you disagree with the person; you indicate your unwillingness to accept something the other person says or does. In disconfirming someone, however, you deny that person’s significance; you claim that what this person says or does simply does not count.

Confirmation is the opposite communication pattern. In confirmation, you not only acknowledge the presence of the other person but also indicate your acceptance of this person, of this person’s definition of self, and of your relation- ship as defined or viewed by this other person. Confirming responses often lead to gains in self-esteem and have been shown to reduce student apprehension in the classroom and indirectly to increase motivation and learning (Ellis, 2004). You can communicate both confirmation and disconfirma- tion in a wide variety of ways; Table 5.1 shows just a few.

You can gain insight into a wide variety of offensive lan- guage practices by viewing them as types of disconfirmation— as language that alienates and separates. We’ll explore this im- portant principle by looking at racism, heterosexism, ageism, and sexism. Another significant -ism is ableism—discrimina- tion against people with disabilities. This particular practice is handled throughout the text in a series of tables offering tips for communicating between people with and without a variety of disabilities:

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Discouraging Disconfirmation For the last several months you’ve noticed how disconfirming your neighbors are toward their preteen children; it seems the children can never do anything to the parents’ satisfaction. What are some of the things you might say (if you do decide to get involved) to make your neighbors more aware of their communication patterns and the possible negative effects these might have?

VIEWPOINTS Hate speech is speech that is hostile, offen- sive, degrading, or intimidating to a particular group of people. Women, African Americans, Muslims, Hispanics, and gay men and lesbians are among the major targets of hate speech in the United States. On your college campus, which would be most likely to be considered hate speech: sexist, heterosexist, racist, or ageist language? Which would be least likely? How do you respond when you hear other students using sexist language? heterosexist language? racist language? ageist language?

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n Between people who are visually impaired and those who aren’t (Chapter 1) n Between people with and without disabilities (Chapter 2) n Between people with and without hearing problems (Chapter 4) n Between people with and without speech and language disorders (Chapter 8)

Racism According to Andrea Rich (1974), “any language that, through a conscious or un- conscious attempt by the user, places a particular racial or ethnic group in an inferior position is racist.” Racist language expresses racist attitudes. It also, however, contributes to the de- velopment of racist attitudes in those who use or hear the language. Even when racism is subtle, unintentional, or even unconscious, its effects are systematically damaging (Dovidio, Gaertner, Kawakami, & Hodson, 2002).

Racism exists on both individual and institutional levels—distinctions made by educational researchers and used throughout this discussion (Koppelman, 2005). Individual racism involves the negative attitudes and beliefs that people hold about specific races. The assumption that certain races are intellectually inferior to others or that certain races are incapable of certain achievements are clear examples of individual racism. Prejudice against groups such as American Indians, African Americans, Hispanics, and Arabs have been with us throughout history and is still a part of many people’s lives. Such racism is seen in the negative terms people use to refer to members of other races and to disparage their customs and accomplishments.

Institutionalized racism is seen in patterns—such as de facto school segregation, compa- nies’ reluctance to hire members of minority groups, and banks’ unwillingness to extend mort- gages and business loans to members of some races or tendency to charge higher interest rates.

disconfirmation confirmation

Ignores the presence or contributions of the other per- son; expresses indifference to what the other person says.

acknowledges the presence and the contributions of the other person by either supporting or taking issue with what he or she says.

Makes no nonverbal contact; avoids direct eye contact; avoids touching and general nonverbal closeness.

Makes nonverbal contact by maintaining direct eye contact and, when appropriate, touching, hugging, kissing, and otherwise demonstrating acknowledgment of the other.

Monologues; engages in communication in which one person speaks and one person listens; there is no real inter- action; there is no real concern or respect for each other.

Dialogues; engage in communication in which both persons are speakers and listeners; both are involved; both are concerned with and have respect for each other.

Jumps to interpretation or evaluation rather than working at understanding what the other person means.

Demonstrates understanding of what the other person says and means and reflects your understanding in what you say; or when in doubt ask questions.

Discourages, interrupts, or otherwise makes it difficult for the other person to express himself or herself.

Encourages the other person to express his or her thoughts and feelings by showing interest and asking questions.

avoids responding or responds tangentially by acknowl- edging the other person's comment but shifts the focus of the message in another direction.

Responds directly and exclusively to what the other person says.

Confirmation and DisconfirmationTABLE 5.1

This table identifies some specific confirming and disconfirming messages. As you review this table, try to imagine a specific illustration for each of the ways of communicating disconfir- mation and confirmation (Galvin, Bylund, & Brommel, 2011; Pearson, 1993).

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Examine your own language for: n derogatory terms for members of a particular race. n maintaining stereotypes and interacting with members of other races based on those

stereotypes. n including reference to race when it’s irrelevant, as in “the [racial name] surgeon” or “the

[racial name] athlete.” n attributing an individual’s economic or social problems to the individual’s race rather than

to, say, institutionalized racism or general economic problems that affect everyone.

Heterosexism Heterosexism also exists on both an individual and an institutional level. Individual heterosexism consists of attitudes, behaviors, and language that disparage gay men and lesbians and includes the belief that all sexual behavior that is not heterosexual is unnatural and deserving of criticism and condemnation. These beliefs are at the heart of anti-

gay violence and “gay bashing.” Individual heterosexism also includes such be- liefs as the notions that homosexuals are more likely to commit crimes than are heterosexuals (there’s actually no difference) and to molest children than are heterosexuals (actually, child molesters are overwhelmingly heterosexual, married men) (Abel & Harlow, 2001; Koppelman, 2005). It also includes the belief that homosexuals cannot maintain stable relationships or effectively raise children, beliefs that contradict research evidence (Fitzpatrick, Jandt, Myrick, & Edgar, 1994; Johnson & O’Connor, 2002).

Institutional heterosexism is easy to identify. For example, the ban on gay mar- riage in most states and the fact that at this time only a handful of states allow gay marriage is a good example of institutional heterosexism. Other examples include the Catholic Church’s ban on homosexual priests and the many laws prohibiting adop- tion of children by gay men or lesbians. In some cultures homosexual relations are illegal ( for example, in India, Malaysia, Pakistan, and Singapore); penalties range from a “misdemeanor” charge in Liberia to life in jail in Singapore and death in Pakistan.

Heterosexist language includes derogatory terms used for lesbians and gay men. For example, surveys in the military showed that 80 percent of those surveyed heard “offensive speech, deroga- tory names, jokes or remarks about gays” and that 85 percent believed that such derogatory speech was “tolerated” (New York Times, March 25, 2000, p. A12). You also see heterosexism in more subtle forms of language usage; for example, when you qualify a professional—as in “gay athlete” or “les- bian doctor”—and, in effect, say that athletes and doctors are not normally gay or lesbian.

Still another form of heterosexism is the presumption of heterosexuality. Usually, people assume the person they’re talking to or about is heterosexual. And usually they’re correct, because most people are heterosexual. At the same time, however, this presumption denies the lesbian or gay identity a certain legitimacy. The practice is very similar to the presumptions of whiteness and maleness that we have made significant inroads in eliminating.

Examine your own language for possible heterosexism and consider, for example, if you do any of the following:

n use offensive nonverbal mannerisms that parody stereotypes when talking about gay men and lesbians. Do you avoid the “startled eye blink” with which some people react to gay couples (Mahaffey, Bryan, & Hutchison, 2005)?

n “compliment” gay men and lesbians by saying that they “don’t look it.” To gay men and lesbians, this is not a compliment. Similarly, expressing disappointment that a person is gay—often thought to be a compliment, as in comments such as “What a waste!”—is not really a compliment.

n make the assumption that every gay or lesbian knows what every other gay or lesbian is thinking. It’s very similar to asking a Japanese person why Sony is investing heavily in the United States.

n stereotype—saying things like “Lesbians are so loyal” or “Gay men are so open with their feelings,” which ignore the reality of wide differences within any group, and are potentially insulting to all groups.

The difficulty in life is the choice. —George Moore

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n overattribute—the tendency to attribute just about everything a person does, says, and believes to the fact that the person is gay or lesbian. This tendency helps to activate and perpetuate stereotypes.

n forget that relationship milestones are important to all people. Ignoring anniversaries or birthdays of, say, a relative’s partner is resented by everyone.

As you think about heterosexism, recognize not only that heterosexist language will create barriers to communication, but also that its absence will foster more meaningful commu- nication: greater comfort, an increased willingness to disclose personal information, and a greater willingness to engage in future interactions (Dorland & Fisher, 2001).

Ageism Although used mainly to refer to prejudice against older people, the word ageism can also refer to prejudice against other age groups. For example, if you describe all teenagers as selfish and undependable, you’re discriminating against a group purely because of their age, and thus are ageist in your statements. In some cultures—some Asian and some African cul- tures, for example—the old are revered and respected. Younger people seek them out for ad- vice on economic, ethical, and relationship issues.

Individual ageism is seen in the general disrespect many show toward older people and in negative stereotypes about older people. Institutional ageism is seen in mandatory retirement laws and age restrictions in certain occupations (as opposed to requirements based on dem- onstrated competence). In less obvious forms, ageism is seen in the media’s portrayal of old people as incompetent, complaining, and, perhaps most clearly evidenced in both television and films, without romantic feelings. Rarely, for example, does a TV show or film show older people working productively, being cooperative and pleasant, and engaging in romantic and sexual relationships.

Popular language is replete with examples of ageist language; “little old lady,” “old hag,” “old-timer,” “over the hill,” “old coot,” and “old fogy” are a few examples. As with sexism, qualify- ing a description of someone in terms of his or her age demonstrates ageism. For example, if you refer to “a quick-witted 75-year-old” or “an agile 65-year-old” or “a responsible teenager,” you’re implying that these qualities are unusual in people of these ages and thus need special mention. You’re saying that “quick-wittedness” and “being 75” do not normally go together. The problem with this kind of stereotyping is that it’s simply wrong. There are many 75-year-olds who are extremely quick-witted (and many 30-year-olds who aren’t).

You also communicate ageism when you speak to older people in overly simple words, or explain things that don’t need explaining. Nonverbally, you demonstrate ageist commu- nication when, for example, you avoid touching an older person but touch others, or when you avoid making direct eye contact with the older person but readily do so with others, or when you speak at an overly high volume (suggesting that all older people have hearing difficulties).

One useful way to avoid ageism is to recognize and avoid the illogical stereotypes that ageist language is based on and examine your own language to see if you do any of the following:

n talk down to a person because he or she is older. Older people are not mentally slow; most people remain mentally alert well into old age.

n refresh an older person’s memory each time you see the person. Older people can and do remember things.

n imply that romantic relationships are no longer important. Older people continue to be interested in relationships.

n speak at an abnormally high volume. Being older does not mean being hard of hearing or being unable to see; most older people hear and see quite well, sometimes with hearing aids or glasses.

n avoid engaging older people in conversation as you would wish to be engaged. Older peo- ple are interested in the world around them.

Even though you want to avoid ageist communication, there are times when you may wish to make adjustments when talking with someone who does have language or commu-

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nication difficulties. The American Speech and Hearing As- sociation offers several useful suggestions (www.asha.org /public/speech/development/communicating-better-with -older-people.htm): n Reduce as much background noise as you can. n Ease into the conversation by beginning with casual

topics and then moving into more familiar topics. Stay with each topic for a while; avoid jumping too quickly from one topic to another.

n Speak in relatively short sentences and questions. n Give the person added time to respond. Some older peo-

ple react more slowly and need extra time. n Listen actively. Practice the skills of active listening dis-

cussed in Chapter 4.

Sexism Individual sexism consists of prejudicial attitudes and beliefs about men or women based on rigid beliefs about gender roles. These might include such beliefs as the idea that women should be caretakers, should be sensitive at all times, and should acquiesce to a man’s decisions concerning politi- cal or financial matters. Sexist attitudes would also include the beliefs that men are insensitive, interested only in sex, and incapable of communicating feelings.

Institutional sexism, on the other hand, results from cus- toms and practices that discriminate against people because

of their gender. Clear examples in business and industry are the widespread practice of paying women less than men for the same job and the discrimination against women in the upper levels of management. Another clear example of institutionalized sexism is the courts’ prac- tice of automatically or near-automatically granting child custody to the mother rather than the father.

Of particular interest here is sexist language: language that puts down someone because of his or her gender (a term usually used to refer to language derogatory toward women). The National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) has proposed guidelines for nonsexist (gender-free, gender-neutral, or sex-fair) language. These guidelines concern the use of the generic word man, the use of generic he and his, and sex-role stereotyping (Penfield, 1987). Consider your own communication behavior. Examine your own language for such examples of sexism as these: n use of man generically. Using the term to refer to humanity in general emphasizes maleness

at the expense of femaleness. Gender-neutral terms can easily be substituted. Instead of “mankind,” say “humanity,” “people,” or “human beings.” Similarly, the use of terms such as policeman or fireman that presume maleness as the norm—and femaleness as a deviation from this norm—are clear and common examples of sexist language.

n use of he and his as generic. Instead, you can alternate pronouns or restructure your sentences to eliminate any reference to gender. For example, the NCTE Guidelines (Penfield, 1987) suggest that instead of saying, “The average student is worried about his grades,” you say, “The average student is worried about grades.”

n use of sex-role stereotyping. When you make the hypothetical elementary school teacher female and the college professor male, or refer to doctors as male and nurses as female, you’re sex-role stereotyping, as you are when you include the sex of a professional with terms such as “woman doctor” or “male nurse.”

Racist, Heterosexist, Ageist, and Sexist Listening Just as racist, heterosexist, ageist, and sexist attitudes will influence your language, they can also influence your listening if you hear what speakers are saying through the stereotypes you hold. Prejudiced listening occurs

VIEWPOINTS What do you feel is the current status of sexism and sexist language in your area of the world? Can you identify specific types of sexism that you’ve observed? In what types of situations is sexism seen most clearly (for example, on the job, in schools, in the military, in the ministry)?

For an article on sexual equality in different countries, see “Gender Gap” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. Do you see “gender gaps”? Where are they most prevalent?

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when you listen differently to a person because of his or her gender, race, affectional orientation, or age, even though these characteristics are irrelevant to the message.

Racist, heterosexist, ageist, and sexist listening occur in lots of situations. For example, when you dismiss a valid argument—or attribute validity to an invalid argument—because the speaker is of a particular race, affectional orientation, age group, or gender, you’re listening with prejudice.

Of course, there are many instances when these char- acteristics are relevant and pertinent to your evaluation of a message. For example, the sex of a person who is talking about pregnancy, fathering a child, birth control, or surro- gate motherhood is, most would agree, probably relevant to the message. So in these cases it is not sexist listening to take the sex of the speaker into consideration. It is, how- ever, sexist listening to assume that only one sex can be an authority on a particular topic or that one sex’s opinions are without value. The same is true in relation to listening through a person’s race or affectional orientation.

Messages Vary in Cultural Sensitivity Recognizing that messages vary in cultural sensitivity is a great step toward developing confirming and avoiding disconfirming messages. Perhaps the best way to develop nonracist, nonhet- erosexist, nonageist, and nonsexist language is to examine the preferred cultural identifiers to use in talking to and about members of different groups. Keep in mind, however, that pre- ferred terms frequently change over time, so keep in touch with the most current preferences. The preferences and many of the specific examples identified here are drawn largely from the findings of the Task Force on Bias-Free Language of the Association of American University Presses (Schwartz, 1995; Faigley, 2009).

Race and Nationality Generally, most African Americans prefer African American to black (Hecht, Jackson, & Ribeau, 2003); although black is often used with white, as well as in a variety of other contexts ( for example, Department of Black and Puerto Rican Studies, the Journal of Black History, and Black History Month). The American Psychological Association recommends that both terms be capitalized, but the Chicago Manual of Style (the manual used by most newspapers and publishing houses) recommends using lowercase. The terms Negro and colored, although used in the names of some organizations ( for example, the United Negro College Fund and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People), are no longer used outside these contexts. People of color—a literary-sounding term appro- priate perhaps to public speaking but awkward in most conversa- tions—is preferred to nonwhite, which implies that whiteness is the norm and nonwhiteness is a deviation from that norm.

White is generally used to refer to those whose roots are in European cultures and usually does not include Hispanics. Analogous to African American (which itself is based on a long tradition of terms such as Irish American and Italian American) is the phrase European American. Few European Americans, however, call themselves that; most prefer their national origins emphasized, as in, for example, German American or Greek American.

Generally, the term Hispanic refers to anyone who identifies as belong- ing to a Spanish-speaking culture. Latina ( female) and Latino (male) refer to

VIEWPOINTS A widely held assumption in anthropology, linguistics, and communication is that the importance of a concept to a culture can be measured by the number of words the language has for talking about the concept. So, for exam- ple, in English there are lots of words for money, transporta- tion, and communication—all crucial to the English-speaking world. With this principle in mind, consider the findings of Julia Stanley, for example. Stanley researched English-language terms indicating sexual promiscuity and found 220 terms refer- ring to a sexually promiscuous woman but only 22 terms for a sexually promiscuous man (Thorne, Kramarae, & Henley, 1983). What does this finding suggest about our culture’s attitudes and beliefs about promiscuity in men and women?

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Cultural Insensitivity You inadvertently say something that you thought would be funny but that turns out to be culturally insensitive, causing offense to a friend. What are some of your options for making it clear that you would never intentionally talk this way?

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persons whose roots are in one of the Latin American coun- tries, such as Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, or Guatemala. Hispanic American refers to U.S. residents whose ancestry is in a Spanish culture; the term includes people from Mexico, the Caribbean, and Central and South America. In emphasizing a Spanish heritage, however, the term is re- ally inaccurate, because it leaves out the large numbers of people in the Caribbean and in South America whose origins are African, Native American, French, or Portuguese. Chica- na ( female) and Chicano (male) refer to persons with roots in Mexico, although it often connotes a nationalist attitude ( Jandt, 2004) and is considered offensive by many Mexican Americans. Mexican American is generally preferred.

Inuk (plural Inuit), also spelled with two n‘s (Innuk and Innuit), is preferred to Eskimo (the term the U.S. Census Bureau uses), which was applied to the indigenous peoples of Alaska and Canada by Europeans and literally means “raw meat eaters.”

The word Indian technically refers only to someone from India, not to members of other Asian countries or to the in- digenous peoples of North America. American Indian or Native American is preferred, even though many Native Americans do refer to themselves as Indians and Indian people. The word squaw, used to refer to a Native American woman and still used in the names of some places in the United States and in some textbooks, is clearly a term to be avoided; its usage is almost always negative and insulting (Koppelman, 2005).

In Canada indigenous people are called first people or first nations. The term native American (with a lowercase n) is most often used to refer to persons born in the United States. Although technically the term could refer to anyone born in North or South America, people outside the United States gen- erally prefer more specific designations, such as Argentinean, Cuban, or Canadian. The term native describes an indigenous

inhabitant; it is not used to indicate “someone having a less developed culture.” Muslim (rather than the older Moslem) is the preferred form to refer to a person who ad-

heres to the religious teachings of Islam. Quran (rather than Koran) is the preferred spelling for the scriptures of Islam. Jewish people is often preferred to Jews, and Jewess (a Jewish female)

is considered derogatory. Finally, the term non-Christian is to be avoided: It implies that people who have other beliefs deviate from the norm.

When history was being written from a European perspective, Europe was taken as the focal point and the rest of the world was defined in terms of its location relative to that continent. Thus, Asia became the East or the Orient, and Asians became Orientals—a term that is today considered inappropriate or “Eurocentric.” Thus, people from Asia are Asians, just as people from Africa are Africans and people from Europe are Europeans.

Affectional Orientation Generally, gay is the preferred term to refer to a man who has an affectional orientation toward other men, and lesbian is the preferred term for a woman who has an affectional orientation to- ward other women (Lever, 1995). (“Lesbian” means “homosexual woman,” so

the term lesbian woman is redundant.) Homosexual refers to both gay men and lesbians, and describes a same-sex sexual orientation. The definitions of gay and lesbian go beyond sexual

VIEWPOINTS Many people feel that it’s permissible for members of a particular subculture to refer to themselves in terms that if said by outsiders would be considered racist, sexist, or heterosexist. Some researchers suggest a possible problem with this—the idea that these terms may actually reinforce neg- ative stereotypes that the larger society has already assigned to the group (Guerin, 2003). By using these terms members of the group may come to accept the labels with their negative con- notations and thus contribute to their own stereotyping and their own deprecation. Others would argue that by using such labels groups weaken the terms’ negative impact. Do you refer to yourself using terms that would be considered offensive or politically incorrect if said by “outsiders”? What effects, if any, do you think such self-talk has?

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Discouraging Ethnocentricity You’ve been dating a wonderful person for the last few months, but increasingly you are discovering that your “ideal” partner is extremely ethnocentric and sees little value in other religions, races, and nationalities. What are some things you can do to educate your possible life partner?

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orientation and refer to a self-identification as a gay man or lesbian. Gay as a noun, although widely used, may be offensive in some contexts, as in “We have two gays on the team.” Because most scientific thinking holds that sexuality is not a matter of choice, the terms sexual orienta- tion and affectional orientation are preferred to sexual preference or sexual status (which is also vague). In the case of same-sex marriages, there are two husbands or two wives. In a male-male marriage, each person is referred to as husband and in the case of female-female marriage, each person is referred to as wife. Some same-sex couples—especially those who are not married— prefer the term “partner” or “lover.”

Age Older person is preferred to elder, elderly, senior, or senior citizen (which technically re- fers to someone older than 65). Usually, however, terms designating age are unnecessary. There are times, of course, when you’ll need to refer to a person’s age group, but most of the time age is irrelevant—in much the same way that racial or affectional orientation terms are usually irrelevant.

Sex and Gender Generally, the term girl should be used only to refer to very young fe- males and is equivalent to boy. Girl is never used to refer to a grown woman, nor is boy used to refer to people in blue-collar positions, as it once was. Lady is negatively evaluated by many because it connotes the stereotype of the prim and proper woman. Woman or young woman is preferred. The term ma’am, originally an honorific used to show respect, is probably best avoided since today it’s often used as a verbal tag to comment (indi- rectly) on the woman’s age or marital status (Angier, 2010).

Transgendered people (people who identify themselves as mem- bers of the sex opposite to the one they were assigned at birth and who may be gay or straight, male or female) are addressed according to their self-identified sex. Thus, if the person identifies herself as a wom- an, then the feminine name and pronouns are used—regardless of the person’s biological sex. If the person identifies himself as a man, then the masculine name and pronouns are used.

Transvestites (people who prefer at times to dress in the clothing of the sex other than the one they were assigned at birth and who may be gay or straight, male or female) are addressed on the basis of their clothing. If the person is dressed as a woman—regardless of the birth-assigned sex—she is referred to and addressed with feminine pronouns and feminine name. If the person is dressed as a man—regardless of the birth-assigned sex—he is referred to and addressed with masculine pronouns and masculine name.

Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively

Our examination of the principles governing the verbal messages system has suggested a wide variety of ways to use language more effectively. Here are some additional guidelines for mak- ing your own verbal messages more effective and a more accurate reflection of the world in which we live. We’ll consider six such guidelines: (1) Extensionalize: avoid intensional orienta- tion; (2) see the individual: avoid allness, (3) distinguish between facts and inferences: avoid fact–inference confusion, (4) discriminate among: avoid indiscrimination, (5) talk about the middle: avoid polarization, and (6) update messages: avoid static evaluation.

Extensionalize: Avoid Intensional Orientation The term intensional orientation refers to a tendency to view people, objects, and events in terms of how they’re talked about or labeled rather than in terms of how they actually exist. Extensional orientation is the opposite: It’s a tendency to look first at the actual people, objects, and events

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Using Inappropriate Cultural Identifiers Your parents use cultural identifiers that would be considered inappropriate among most social groups—not because of prejudice but mainly through ignorance and habit. You want to avoid falling into these patterns yourself. What are some of the things you might do to achieve your goal?

These guidelines are derived from the work of general semanticists. For a look at this area of study concerned with the relationships among language, thought, and behavior, see “General Semantics” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. Which of these principles/ guidelines do you see violated most often?

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and then at the labels—a tendency to be guided by what you see happening rather than by the way something or someone is talked about or labeled.

Intensional orientation occurs when you act as if the words and labels were more impor- tant than the things they represent—as if the map were more important than the territory. In its extreme form, intensional orientation is seen in the person who is afraid of dogs and who begins to sweat when shown a picture of a dog or when hearing people talk about dogs. Here the person is responding to a label as if it were the actual thing. In its more common form, intensional orientation occurs when you see people through your schemata instead of on the basis of their specific behaviors. For example, it occurs when you think of a professor as an unworldly egghead before getting to know the specific professor.

The corrective to intensional orientation is to focus first on the object, person, or event and then on the way in which the object, person, or event is talked about. Labels are certainly helpful guides, but don’t allow them to obscure what they’re meant to symbolize.

See the Individual: Avoid Allness The world is infinitely complex, and because of this you can never say all there is to say about anything—at least not logically. This is particularly true when you are dealing with people. You may think you know all there is to know about certain individuals or about why they did what they did, yet clearly you don’t know all. You can never know all the reasons you do something, so there is no way you can know all the reasons your parents, friends, or enemies did something.

Suppose, for example, you go on a first date with someone who, at least during the first hour or so, turns out to be less interesting than you would have liked. Because of this initial impression, you may infer that this person is dull, always and everywhere. Yet it could be that this person is simply ill at ease or shy during first meetings. The problem here is that you run the risk of judging a person on the basis of a very short acquaintanceship. Further, if you then define this person as dull, you’re likely to treat the person as dull and fulfill your own prophecy.

The parable of the six blind men and the elephant is an excellent example of an allness orientation—the tendency to judge the whole on the basis of experience with part of the whole— and its attendant problems. You may recall from elementary school the poem by John Saxe that concerns six learned blind men of Indostan who came to examine an elephant, an animal they had only heard about. The first blind man touched the elephant’s side and concluded that an elephant was like a wall. The second felt the tusk and said an elephant must be like a spear. The third held the trunk and concluded that an elephant was much like a snake. The fourth touched the knee and decided that an elephant was like a tree. The fifth felt the ear and said an elephant was like a fan. The sixth grabbed the tail and concluded that an elephant was like a rope. Each of these learned men reached his own conclusion regarding what an elephant was really like. Each argued that he was correct and that the others were wrong.

Each, of course, was correct; at the same time, however, all were wrong. The point this par- able illustrates is that you can never see all of anything; you can never experience anything fully. You see part of an object, event, or person—and on that limited basis, you conclude what the whole is like. This procedure is universal, and you follow it because you cannot possibly observe everything. Yet recognize that when making judgments of the whole based on only a part, you’re actually making inferences that can later be proved wrong. If you assume that you know everything there is to know about something or someone, you fall into the pattern of misevaluation called allness.

Famed British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli once said that “to be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step toward knowledge.” This observation is an excellent example of a nonallness attitude. If you recognize that there is more to learn, more to see, more to hear, you leave yourself open to this additional information, and you’re better prepared to assimilate it.

A useful extensional device that can help you avoid allness is to end each statement, some- times verbally but always mentally, with an “etc.” (et cetera)—a reminder that there is more to learn, know, and say; that every statement is inevitably incomplete. To be sure, some people

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overuse the “et cetera.” They use it as a substitute for being specific, which defeats its purpose. It should be used to mentally remind yourself that there is more to know and more to say.

Distinguish between Facts and Inferences: Avoid Fact–Inference Confusion

Language enables us to form statements of facts and inferences without making any linguis- tic distinction between the two. Similarly, when we listen to such statements, we often don’t make a clear distinction between statements of facts and statements of inference. Yet there are great differences between the two. Barriers to clear thinking can be created when infer- ences are treated as facts—a hazard called fact–inference confusion.

For example, you can make statements about things that you observe, and you can make statements about things that you have not observed. In form or structure these statements are similar; they cannot be distinguished from each other by any grammatical analysis. For example, you can say, “She is wearing a blue jacket” as well as “She is harboring an illogical hatred.” If you diagrammed these sentences, they would yield identical structures, and yet you know that they’re different types of statements. In the first sentence, you can observe the jacket and the blue color; the sentence constitutes a factual statement. But how do you observe “il- logical hatred”? Obviously, this is not a descriptive statement but an inferential statement, a statement that you make not solely on the basis of what you observe but on the basis of what you observe plus your own conclusions.

There’s no problem with making inferential statements; you must make them if you’re to talk about much that is meaningful. The problem arises when you act as though those inferential statements are factual statements. Consider, for example, the following anecdote (Maynard, 1963):

A woman went for a walk one day and met her friend, whom she had not seen, heard from, or heard of in ten years. After an exchange of greetings, the woman said, “Is this your little boy?” and her friend replied, “Yes. I got married about six years ago.” The woman then asked the child, “What is your name?” and the little boy replied, “Same as my father’s.” “Oh,” said the woman, “then it must be Peter.”

The question, of course, is how did the woman know the boy’s father’s name? The answer is obvious, but only after you recognize that in reading this short passage you have, quite un- consciously, made an inference that is preventing you from arriving at the answer. You have inferred that the woman’s friend is a woman. Actually, the friend is a man named Peter.

You may wish to test your ability to distinguish facts from inferences by taking the accom- panying self-test, “Can You Distinguish Facts from Inferences?”

Carefully read the following account, modeled on a report developed by William Haney (1973), and the observations based on it. Indicate whether you think the observations are true, false, or doubtful on the basis of the information presented in the report. Circle T if the observation is definitely true, F if the observation is definitely false, and ? if the observation may be either true or false. Judge each observation in order. Don’t reread the observations after you have indicated your judgment, and don’t change any of your answers.

A well-liked college teacher had just completed making up the final ex- aminations and had turned off the lights in the office. Just then a tall, broad figure appeared and demanded the examination. The professor opened the drawer. Everything in the drawer was picked up and the indi- vidual ran down the corridor. The dean was notified immediately.

T F ? 1. The thief was tall and broad. T F ? 2. The professor turned off the lights.

can you distinguish facts from Inferences?Test Yourself

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T F ? 3. A tall figure demanded the examination. T F ? 4. The examination was picked up by someone. T F ? 5. The examination was picked up by the professor. T F ? 6. A tall figure appeared after the professor turned off the lights in the office. T F ? 7. The man who opened the drawer was the professor. T F ? 8. The professor ran down the corridor. T F ? 9. The drawer was never actually opened. T F ? 10. Three persons are referred to in this report.

how did you do? After you answer all 10 questions, form small groups of five or six and discuss the answers. Look at each statement from each member’s point of view. For each statement, ask yourself, “How can you be absolutely certain that the statement is true or false?” You should find that only one statement can be clearly identified as true and only one as false; eight should be marked “?”.

What Will you do? This test is designed to trap you into making inferences and treating them as facts. Statement 3 is true (it’s in the report); statement 9 is false (the drawer was opened); but all other statements are inferences and should have been marked “?”. Review the remaining eight statements to see why you cannot be certain that any of them are either true or false.

As you continue reading this chapter, try to formulate specific guidelines that will help you distinguish facts from inferences as a speaker and as a listener.

Some of the essential differences between factual and inferential statements are summarized in Table 5.2. Distinguishing between these two types of statements does not imply that one type is better than the other. Both types of statements are useful; both are important. The problem arises when you treat an inferential statement as if it were fact. Phrase your inferential statements as tentative. Recognize that such statements may be wrong. Leave open the possibility of other al- ternatives.

Discriminate Among: Avoid Indiscrimination Nature seems to abhor sameness at least as much as vacuums, for nowhere in the universe can you find identical entities. Everything is unique. Language, however, provides common nouns—such as teacher, student, friend, enemy, war, politician, liberal, and the like— that may lead you to focus on similarities. Such nouns can lead you to group together all teachers, all students, and all friends and per- haps divert attention from the uniqueness of each individual, object, and event.

The misevaluation known as indiscrimination—a form of stereo- typing (see Chapter 2)—occurs when you focus on classes of individu- als, objects, or events and fail to see that each is unique and needs to be looked at individually. Indiscrimination can be seen in such statements as these: n He’s just like the rest of them: lazy, stupid, a real slob. n I really don’t want another ethnic on the board of directors. One is

enough for me. n Read a romance novel? I read one when I was 16. That was enough

to convince me.

VIEWPOINTS Informal time terms (e.g., soon, right away, early, in a while, as soon as possible) seem to create communication problems because they’re ambiguous; different people will often give the terms different meanings. How might you go about reducing or eliminating the ambiguity created by these terms?

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A useful antidote to indiscrimination is the extensional device called the index, a mental subscript that identifies each individual in a group as an individual, even though all mem- bers of the group may be covered by the same label. For example, when you think and talk of an individual politician as just a “politician,” you may fail to see the uniqueness in this politician and the differences between this particular politician and other politicians. How- ever, when you think with the index—when you think not of politician but of politician 1 or politician 2 or politician 3—you’re less likely to fall into the trap of indiscrimination and more likely to focus on the differences among politicians. The same is true with members of cultural, national, or religious groups; when you think of Iraqi 1 and Iraqi 2, you’ll be reminded that not all Iraqis are the same. The more you discriminate among individuals covered by the same label, the less likely you are to discriminate against any group.

Talk about the Middle: Avoid Polarization Polarization, often referred to as the fallacy of “either/or,” is the tendency to look at the world and to describe it in terms of extremes—good or bad, positive or negative, healthy or sick, brilliant or stupid, rich or poor, and so on. Polarized statements come in many forms; for example: n After listening to the evidence, I’m still not clear who the good guys are and who the bad

guys are. n Well, are you for us or against us? n College had better get me a good job. Otherwise, this has been a big waste of time.

Most people exist somewhere between the extremes of good and bad, healthy and sick, brilliant and stupid, rich and poor. Yet there seems to be a strong tendency to view only the extremes and to categorize people, objects, and events in terms of these polar opposites.

Inferential Statements factual Statements

May be made at any time May be made only after observation

Go beyond what has been observed Are limited to what has been observed

May be made by anyone May be made only by the observer

May be about any time—past, present, or future May be about only the past or the present

Involve varying degrees of probability Approach certainty

Are not subject to verifiable standards Are subject to verifiable, scientific standards

Differences between Factual and Inferential StatementsTABLE 5.2

These differences highlight the important distinctions between factual and inferential statements and are based on the discussions of William Haney (1973) and Harry Weinberg (1959). As you go through this table, consider how you would classify such statements as: “God exists,” “Democracy is the best form of government,” “This paper is white,” “The Internet will grow in size and importance over the next 10 years,” and “This table is based on Haney and Weinberg.”

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You can easily demonstrate this tendency by filling in the opposites for each of the follow- ing words:

Opposite tall ___:___:___:___:___:___:___ ________ heavy ___:___:___:___:___:___:___ ________ strong ___:___:___:___:___:___:___ ________ happy ___:___:___:___:___:___:___ ________ legal ___:___:___:___:___:___:___ ________

Filling in the opposites should have been relatively easy and quick. The words should also have been fairly short. Further, if various different people supplied the opposites, there would be a high degree of agreement among them. Now try to fill in the middle positions with words meaning, for example, “midway between tall and short,” “midway between heavy and light,” and so on. Do this before reading any farther.

These midway responses (compared to the opposites) were probably more difficult to think of and took you more time. The responses should also have been long words or phrases of several words. Further, different people would probably agree less on these midway responses than on the opposites.

This exercise clearly illustrates the ease with which we can think and talk in opposites and the difficulty we have in thinking and talking about the middle. But recognize that the vast majority of cases exist between extremes. Don’t allow the ready availability of extreme terms to obscure the reality of what lies in between (Read, 2004).

In some cases, of course, it’s legitimate to talk in terms of two values. For example, either this thing you’re holding is a book or it isn’t. Clearly, the classes “book” and “not-book” include all possibilities. There is no problem with this kind of statement. Similarly, you may say that a stu- dent either will pass this course or will not, as these two categories include all the possibilities.

You create problems, however, when you use this either/or form in situations in which it’s inappropriate; for example, “The supervisor is either for us or against us.” The two choices simply don’t include all possibilities: The supervisor may be for us in some things and against us in others, or he or she may be neutral. Right now there is a tendency to group people into pro- and antiwar, for example—and into similar pro- and anti- categories on abortion, taxes, and just about every important political or social issue. Similarly, you see examples of polari- zation in opinions about the Middle East, with some people entirely and totally supportive of one side and others entirely and totally supportive of the other side. But clearly these extremes do not include all possibilities, and polarized thinking actually prevents us from entertaining the vast middle ground that exists on all such issues.

Update Messages: Avoid Static Evaluation Language changes very slowly, especially when compared to the rapid pace at which people and things change. When you retain an evaluation of a person, despite the inevitable changes in the person, you’re engaging in static evaluation.

Alfred Korzybski (1933) used an interesting illustration in this connection: In a tank there is a large fish and many small fish that are its natural food source. Given freedom in the tank, the large fish will eat the small fish. After some time, the tank is partitioned, with the large fish on one side and the small fish on the other, divided only by glass. For a time, the large fish will try to eat the small fish but will fail; each time it tries, it will knock into the glass parti- tion. After some time it will learn that trying to eat the small fish means difficulty, and it will no longer go after them. Now, however, the partition is removed, and the small fish swim all around the big fish. But the big fish does not eat them and in fact will die of starvation while its natural food swims all around. The large fish has learned a pattern of behavior, and even though the actual territory has changed, the map remains static.

While you would probably agree that everything is in a constant state of flux, the relevant question is whether you act as if you know this. Do you act in accordance with the notion of

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change, instead of just accepting it intellectually? Do you treat your little sister as if she were 10 years old, or do you treat her like the 20-year-old woman she has become? Your evaluations of yourself and others need to keep pace with the rapidly changing real world. Otherwise you’ll be left with attitudes and beliefs—static evaluations—about a world that no longer exists.

To guard against static evaluation, use an extensional device called the date: Mentally date your statements and especially your evaluations. Remember that Gerry Smith2006 is not Gerry Smith2013; academic abilities2006 are not academic abilities2013. T. S. Eliot, in The Cocktail Party, said that “what we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then . . . at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.”

These six guidelines, which are summarized in Table 5.3, will not solve all problems in verbal communication—but they will help you to more accurately align your language with the real world, the world of words and not words; infinite complexity; facts and inferences; sameness and difference; extremes and middle ground; and, perhaps most important, constant change.

Also, recognize that each of these six guidelines contains a warning against verbal mes- sages that can be used to deceive you. For example, when people try to influence you to re- spond to people in terms of their labels (often racist, sexist, or homophobic), they are using intensional orientation unethically. Similarly, when people present themselves as knowing everything about something (gossip is often a good example), they are using your natural tendency to think in allness terms to achieve their own ends, not to present the truth. When people present inferences as if they are facts (again, gossip provides a good example) to secure your belief, or when they stereotype, they are relying on your tendency to confuse facts and inferences and to fail to discriminate. And when people talk in terms of opposites (polarize) or as if things and people don’t change (static evaluation) in order to influence you to believe certain things or to do certain things, they are again assuming you won’t talk about the middle or ask for updated messages.

effective Ineffective

Extensionalize; distinguish between the way people and things are talked about and what exists in reality; the word is not the thing.

Intensionalize; treat words and things as the same; respond to things as they are talked about rather than as they exist.

avoid allness; no one can know or say all about anything; always assume there is more to be said, more to learn.

commit allness; assume you know everything that needs to be known or that all that can be said has been said.

Distinguish between facts and inferences and respond to them differently.

confuse facts and inferences; respond to inferences as if they were facts.

Discriminate among items covered by the same label. Indiscriminately treat all items (people, things, and events) cov- ered by the same label similarly.

talk about the middle, where the vast majority of cases exist.

Polarize; view and talk about only the extremes; ignore the middle.

Recognize change; update messages. Statically evaluate; fail to recognize the inevitable change in things and people.

Essential Verbal Message GuidelinesTABLE 5.3

Here is a brief summary of the guidelines for using verbal messages. As you review these principles, try recalling examples and the consequences of the failure to follow these principles from your own recent interactions.

part 2 Interpersonal Messages

Use your smartphone or tablet device (or log on to mycommunicationlab.com) to hear an audio summary of Chapter 5..

This chapter introduced the verbal message system and identified some basic principles con-

cerning how the verbal message system works and how it can be used more effectively.

Principles of Verbal Messages 1. Messages are packaged; verbal and nonverbal signals interact

to produce one (ideally) unified message. Six major ways non- verbal messages can interact with verbal messages are to: (1) accent, or emphasize a verbal message; (2) complement, or add nuances of meaning; (3) contradict, or deny the verbal message; (4) control, or manage the flow of communication; (5) repeat, or restate the message; and (6) substitute, or take the place of a verbal message.

2. Message meanings are in people—in people’s thoughts and feelings, not just in their words.

3. Messages are both denotative and connotative. Denotation is the dictionary-like meaning of a word or sentence. Con- notation is the personal meaning of a word or sentence. Denotative meaning is relatively objective; connotative meaning is highly subjective.

4. Messages vary in abstraction; they vary from very specific and concrete to highly abstract and general.

5. Messages vary in politeness—from rude to extremely polite— and may be viewed in terms of maintaining positive and negative face. Variations in what is considered polite among cultures are often great.

6. Messages can deceive; some messages are lies. 7. Messages can criticize and praise. Criticism that is overly

negative or not constructive will normally be resented, while praise that is unrealistic or unspecific may be dismissed.

8. Messages vary in assertiveness. Standing up for one’s own rights without infringing on the rights of others is the goal of most assertive communication.

9. Messages can confirm and disconfirm. Disconfirmation is communication that ignores another, that denies the other person’s definition of self. Confirmation expresses acknowledgment and acceptance of others and avoids racist, heterosexist, ageist, and sexist expressions that are disconfirming.

10. Messages vary in cultural sensitivity.

Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively 11. Extensionalize; the word is not the thing. Avoid intensional

orientation, the tendency to view the world in the way it’s talked about or labeled. Instead, respond to things first; look for the labels second.

12. See the individual; avoid allness, our tendency to describe the world in extreme terms that imply we know all or are saying all there is to say. To combat allness, remind yourself that you can never know all or say all about anything; use a mental and sometimes verbal “etc.”

13. Distinguish between facts and inferences, and act dif- ferently depending on whether the message is factual or inferential.

14. Discriminate among. Avoid indiscrimination, the tendency to group unique individuals or items because they’re covered by the same term or label. To combat indiscrimination, recognize uniqueness, and mentally index each individual in a group (teacher

1 , teacher

2 ).

15. Talk with middle terms; avoid polarization, the tendency to describe the world in terms of extremes or polar opposites. To combat polarization use middle terms and qualifiers.

16. Update messages regularly; nothing is static. Avoid static evaluation, the tendency to describe the world in static terms, denying constant change. To combat static evaluation, recognize the inevitability of change; date statements and evaluations, realizing, for example, that Gerry Smith

2006 is

not Gerry Smith 2013

.

Summary

136

chapter 5 Verbal Messages 137

Key Terms

ableism, 122 abstraction, 111 ageism, 125 ageist language, 125 allness, 130 assertiveness, 119 confirmation, 122 connotation, 109

cultural identifiers, 127 denotation, 109 disconfirmation, 122 extensional orientation, 129 fact–inference confusion, 131 heterosexist language, 124 indiscrimination, 132 intensional orientation, 129

lie bias, 116 lying, 114 metacommunication, 110 negative face, 111 polarization, 133 politeness, 111 positive face, 111 racist language, 123

rejection, 122 sexist language, 126 static evaluation, 134 truth bias, 116 verbal messages, 107

MyCommunicationLab Explorations

Communication Choice Points Revisit the chapter- opening video, “We Have Work To Do.” Recall that Zach and Katie are co-workers at the same small of- fice. Zach is becoming increasingly annoyed with Katie’s over-

friendliness, but does not want to alienate her. However, his work is beginning to suffer. Zach has two objectives: getting his work done and maintaining a cordial relationship with Katie. “We Have Work To Do” looks at verbal messages and at the choices available for communicating a desired message. Log on to mycommunicationlab.com to view the video for this chapter, “We Have Work to Do,” and then answer the related discussion questions.

Additional Resources This group of experiences will help clarify the interaction and basic principles of verbal messages.

1 Integrating Verbal and Nonverbal Messages explores some of the connections between verbal and nonverbal messages. 2 Climbing the Abstraction Ladder and 3 Using the Abstraction Ladder as a Creative Thinking Tool will clarify the abstraction process and explain a useful creative thinking technique. 4 How Can You Vary Directness for Greatest Effectiveness? provides practice in varying directness. 5 How Can You Rephrase Clichés? provides an opportunity to replace trite expressions with more creative and meaningful phrases. 6 Who? is a class game/ experience that asks you to identify characteristics of other people on the basis of their various verbal and nonverbal messages. This exercise can be used as an introduction to the messages section or as a conclusion. 7 Analyzing Assertiveness provides practice scenarios calling for assertiveness. 8 Identifying the Barriers to Communication provides a dialogue demonstrating the various barriers discussed in this chapter. 9 How Do You Talk? as a Woman? as a Man? and 10 Recognizing Gender Differences looks at gender differences in language and at our perceptions of the speech of others. 11 Thinking with E-Prime focuses on the difficulties that can be created when you use and think with the verb “to be.” 12 How Do You Talk about the Middle? illus- trates the ways in which our language makes it easy to polarize. 13 Confirming, Rejecting, and Disconfirming looks at specific examples of these types of messages. 14 “Must Lie” Situations examines scenarios in which many people would consider it ethical, even necessary, to lie.

C H A P T E R

Principles of Nonverbal Communication

Channels of Nonverbal Communication

Nonverbal Communication Competence

Kendra is sitting alone, working on her laptop. A friend, Lori, comes into the room and Kendra lets Lori know that she’d rather be left alone; but later on, she welcomes the interruption. Watch the video “Inviting or Discouraging Conversation” (www.mycommunicationlab .com) to see how, in both cases, body language, eye contact, and other nonverbal cues communicate the message.

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6 Nonverbal Messages

139

Why read this chapter?

Because you’ll learn about: n the nature of nonverbal communication. n the ways nonverbal messages are sent and received. n cultural differences in nonverbal communication.

Because you’ll learn to: n send and receive nonverbal messages more effectively. n use nonverbal messages with effectiveness and with sensitivity to cultural and

gender issues.

Nonverbal communication is communication without words. You communicate non- verbally when you gesture, smile or frown, widen your eyes, move your chair closer to someone, wear jewelry, touch someone, raise your vocal volume, or even when you

say nothing. The crucial aspect of nonverbal communication is that the message you send is in some way received by one or more other people. If you gesture while alone in your room and no one is there to see you, then, most theorists would argue, communication has not taken place. The same, of course, is true of verbal messages: If you recite a speech and no one hears it, then communication has not taken place. Your ability to use nonverbal communication effectively can yield two major benefits (Burgoon & Hoobler, 2002). First, the greater your ability to send and receive nonverbal signals, the higher your attraction, popularity, and psychosocial well-being are likely to be. Second, the greater your nonverbal skills, the more successful you’re likely to be in a wide variety of interper- sonal communication situations, including close relationships, organizational communication, teacher-student communication, intercultural communication, courtroom communication, in politics, and in health care (Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012; Riggio & Feldman, 2005).

Principles of Nonverbal Communication Perhaps the best way to begin the study of nonverbal communication is to examine several principles that, as you’ll see, also identify the varied functions that nonverbal messages serve (Afifi, 2007; Burgoon & Bacue, 2003; Burgoon & Hoobler, 2002).

Nonverbal Messages Interact with Verbal Messages Verbal and nonverbal messages interact with each other in six major ways: to accent, to com- plement, to contradict, to control, to repeat, and to substitute for each other. n Accent. Nonverbal communication is often used to accent or emphasize some part of the

verbal message. You might, for example, raise your voice to underscore a particular word or phrase, bang your fist on the desk to stress your commitment, or look longingly into someone’s eyes when saying, “I love you.”

n Complement. Nonverbal communication may be used to complement, to add nuances of meaning not communicated by your verbal message. Thus, you might smile when telling a story (to suggest that you find it humorous) or frown and shake your head when recount- ing someone’s deceit (to suggest your disapproval).

n Contradict. You may deliberately contradict your verbal messages with nonverbal move- ments; for example, by crossing your fingers or winking to indicate that you’re lying.

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n Control. Nonverbal movements may be used to control, or to indicate your desire to con- trol, the flow of verbal messages, as when you purse your lips, lean forward, or make hand movements to indicate that you want to speak. You might also put up your hand or vocal- ize your pauses ( for example, with “um”) to indicate that you have not finished and aren’t ready to relinquish the floor to the next speaker.

n Repeat. You can repeat or restate the verbal message nonverbally. You can, for example, follow your verbal “Is that all right?” with raised eyebrows and a questioning look, or you can motion with your head or hand to repeat your verbal “Let’s go.”

n Substitute. You may also use nonverbal communication to substitute for verbal messages. You can, for example, signal “OK” with a hand gesture. You can nod your head to indicate yes or shake your head to indicate no.

When you communicate electronically, of course, your message is communicated by means of typed letters without facial expressions or gestures that normally accompany face-to-face communication and without the changes in rate and volume that are a part of normal telephone communication. To compensate for this lack of nonverbal behavior, the emoticon was created. Sometimes called a “smiley” after the ever-present :), the emoticon is a typed symbol that com- municates through a keyboard the nuances of the message normally conveyed by nonverbal expression. The absence of the nonverbal channel through which you can clarify your message— for example, smiling or winking to communicate sarcasm or humor—make such typed symbols extremely helpful. Here are some of the more popular emoticons used in computer talk (two excellent websites contain extensive examples of smileys, emoticons, acronyms, and shorthand abbreviations: www.netlingo.com/smiley.cfm and www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm):

: - ) = smile; I’m only kidding : - ( = frown; I’m feeling sad; this saddens me * = kiss :- = male >- = female { } = hug { { { ***} } } = hugs and kisses ; - ) = sly smile

_this is important_ = underlining, adds emphasis *this is important* = asterisks, adds emphasis ALL CAPS = shouting, emphasizing <G> or <grin> = grin

Not surprisingly, these symbols aren’t used universally (Pollack, 1996). For example, be- cause it’s considered impolite for a Japanese woman to show her teeth when she smiles, the Japanese emoticon for a woman’s smile is (ˆ . ˆ), where the dot signifies a closed mouth. A man’s smile is written (ˆ _ ˆ). Other emoticons popular in Japan but not used in Europe or the United States are (ˆ ˆ;) for “cold sweat,” (ˆ o ˆ; Ò) for “excuse me,” and (ˆ o ˆ) for “happy.”

Nonverbal Messages Help Manage Impressions It is largely through the nonverbal communications of others that you form impressions of them. Based on a person’s body size, skin color, and dress, as well as on the way the person smiles, maintains eye contact, and expresses himself or herself facially, you form impressions— you judge who the person is and what the person is like. And, at the same time that you form impressions of others, you are also managing the im- pressions they form of you. As explained in the discussion of impression management in Chapter 3 (pp. 73–79), you use different strategies to achieve different impressions. And of course many of these strategies involve nonverbal messages. For example: n To be liked you might smile, pat another on the back, and shake hands warmly. See Table 6.1

for some additional ways in which nonverbal communication may make you seem more attractive and more likeable.

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n To be believed you might use focused eye contact, a firm stance, and open gestures. n To excuse failure you might look sad, cover your face with your hands, and shake your

head. n To secure help by indicating helplessness, you might use open hand gestures, a puzzled

look, and inept movements. n To hide faults you might avoid self-adaptors. n To be followed you might dress the part of a leader or display your diploma or awards

where others can see them. n To confirm self-image and to communicate it to others, you might dress in certain

ways or decorate your apartment with things that reflect your personality.

Nonverbal Messages Help Form Relationships Much of your relationship life is lived nonverbally. You communicate affection, support, and love, in part at least, nonverbally (Floyd & Mikkelson, 2005). At the same time, you also com- municate displeasure, anger, and animosity through nonverbal signals.

Attractive Unattractive

Gesture to show liveliness and animation in ways that are appropriate to the situation and to the message.

Gesture for the sake of gesturing or gesture in ways that may prove offensive to members of other cultures.

Nod and lean forward to signal that you’re listening and are interested.

Go on automatic pilot, nodding without any connection to what is said, or lean so far forward that you intrude on the other's space.

Smile and facially show your interest, attention, and positivity. Overdo it; inappropriate smiling is likely to be perceived negatively.

Make eye contact in moderation. Stare, ogle, glare, or otherwise make the person feel that he or she is under scrutiny.

Touch in moderation when appropriate. When in doubt, avoid touching another.

Touch excessively or too intimately.

Use vocal variation in rate, rhythm, pitch, and volume to com- municate your animation and involvement in what you're saying.

Fall into a pattern in which, for example, your voice goes up and down without any relationship to what you’re saying.

Use appropriate facial reactions, posture, and back-channeling cues to show that you’re listening.

Listen motionlessly or in ways that suggest you’re listening only halfheartedly.

Stand reasonably close to show connectedness. Invade the other person’s comfort zone.

Present a pleasant smell—and be careful to camouflage the onions, garlic, or smoke that you're so used to you can’t smell.

Overdo the cologne or perfume.

Dress appropriately to the situation. Wear clothing that’s uncomfortable or that calls attention to itself.

Here are 10 nonverbal messages that can help communicate your attractiveness and 10 that will likely create the opposite effect (Andersen, 2004; Riggio & Feldman, 2005).

Ten Nonverbal Messages and AttractivenessTable 6.1

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You also use nonverbal signals to communicate the nature of your relationship to an- other person; and you and that person communicate nonverbally with each other. These signals that communicate your relationship status are known as “tie signs”: They indicate the ways in which your relationship is tied together (Afifi & Johnson, 2005; Goffman, 1967; Knapp & Hall, 2009). Tie signs are also used to confirm the level of the relationship; for ex- ample, you might hold hands to see if this is responded to positively. And of course tie signs are often used to let others know that the two of you are tied together. Tie signs vary in intimacy and may extend from the relatively informal handshake through more intimate forms—such as hand holding and arm linking—to very intimate contact—such as full mouth kissing (Andersen, 2004). You also use nonverbal signals to communicate your relationship dominance and status (Dunbar & Burgoon, 2005; Knapp & Hall, 2009). The large corner office with the huge desk communicates high status, just as the basement cubicle communicates low status.

Nonverbal Messages Structure Conversation When you’re in conversation, you give and receive cues—signals that you’re ready to speak, to listen, to comment on what the speaker just said. These cues regulate and structure the interaction. These turn-taking cues may be verbal (as when you say, “What do you think?” and thereby give the speaking turn over to the listener). Most often, however, they’re non- verbal; a nod of the head in the direction of someone else, for example, signals that you’re ready to give up your speaking turn and want this other person to say something. You also show that you’re listening and that you want the conversation to continue (or that you’re not listening and want the conversation to end) largely through nonverbal signals of pos- ture and eye contact (or the lack thereof).

Nonverbal Messages Can Influence and Deceive You can influence others not only through what you say but also through your nonverbal signals. A focused glance that says you’re committed; gestures that further explain what you’re saying; appropriate dress that says, “I’ll easily fit in with this organization”—these are just a few examples of ways in which you can exert nonverbal influence. And with the ability to influence, of course, comes the ability to deceive—to mislead another person into thinking something is true when it’s false or that something is false when it’s true. One common example of nonverbal deception is using your eyes and fa- cial expressions to communicate a liking for other people when you’re really interested only in gaining their support in some endeavor. Not surprisingly, you also use nonverbal signals to detect deception in others. For example, you may well suspect a person of ly-

ing if he or she avoids eye contact, fidgets, and conveys inconsistent verbal and nonverbal messages. But be careful. As explained in the Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research box in Chapter 4 (p. 98), research shows that it is much more difficult to tell when someone is lying than you probably think it is. So, use caution in judging deception (Knapp, 2008).

Nonverbal Messages are Crucial for expressing emotions Although people often explain and reveal emotions verbally, nonverbal signals communicate a great part of your emotional experience. For example, you reveal your level of happiness or sadness or confusion largely through facial expressions. Of course, you also reveal your feel- ings by posture ( for example, whether tense or relaxed), gestures, eye movements, and even the dilation of your pupils. Nonverbal messages often help people communicate unpleasant messages that they might feel uncomfortable putting into words (Infante, Rancer, & Womack, 2003). For example, you might avoid eye contact and maintain large distances between your- self and someone with whom you didn’t want to interact or with whom you wanted to de- crease the intensity of your relationship.

VIEWPOINTS Interestingly enough, the social or cheek kiss is fast replacing the handshake in the workplace, perhaps because of the Latin influence or perhaps because of growing informality in the business world (Olson, 2006). But because the practice is in transition, it's often difficult to know how to greet people. What nonverbal signals would you look for in deciding whether someone expects you to extend a hand or pucker your lips?

For additional reasons why identifying lying is so difficult, see “Deception Detection” at tcbdevito .blogspot.com. Based on your own deception detection experiences, do you agree/disagree with what is said here?

chapter 6 Nonverbal Messages 143

At the same time, you also use nonverbal messages to hide your emotions. You might, for example, smile even though you feel sad so as not to dampen the party spirit. Or you might laugh at someone’s joke even though you think it silly.

Channels of Nonverbal Communication

Nonverbal communication involves a variety of channels. Here we look at: (1) body gestures, (2) body appearance, (3) facial communication, (4) eye communication, (5) touch communication, (6) paralanguage and silence, (7) spatial messages, (8) artifactual communication, and (9) temporal communication. As you’ll see nonverbal messages are heavily influenced by culture (Matsumoto, 2006; Matsumoto Yoo, 2005; Matsumoto, Yoo, Hirayama, & Petrova, 2005).

body Gestures An especially useful classification in kinesics—or the study of communication through body movement—identifies five types: emblems, illustrators, affect displays, regulators, and adap- tors (Ekman & Friesen, 1969). Table 6.2 summarizes and provides examples of these five types of movements.

emblems Emblems are substitutes for words; they’re body movements that have rather specific verbal translations, such as the nonverbal signs for “OK,” “Peace,” “Come here,” “Go away,” “Who, me?” “Be quiet,” “I’m warning you,” “I’m tired,” and “It’s cold.” Emblems are as ar- bitrary as any words in any language. Consequently, your present culture’s emblems are not necessarily the same as your culture’s emblems of 300 years ago or the same as the emblems of other cultures. For example, the sign made by forming a circle with the thumb and index finger may mean “nothing” or “zero” in France, “money” in Japan, and something sexual in certain southern European cultures.

Illustrators Illustrators accompany and literally illustrate verbal messages. Illustrators make your communications more vivid and help to maintain your listener’s attention.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Inviting and Discouraging Conversation Sometimes you want to encourage people to come into your office and chat, and at other times you want to be left alone. What are some of your options for achieving each goal nonverbally?

Movement and Function Examples

Emblems directly translate words or phrases. “OK” sign, “Come here” wave, hitchhiker’s sign

Illustrators accompany and literally "illustrate" verbal messages.

Circular hand movements when talking of a circle, hands far apart when talking of something large

Affect displays communicate emotional meaning. Expressions of happiness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust

Regulators monitor, maintain, or control the speaking of another.

Facial expressions and hand gestures indicating "Keep going," “Slow down,” or “What else happened?”

Adaptors satisfy some need. Scratching head, chewing on pencil, adjusting glasses

Five Types of Body MovementsTable 6.2

Can you identify similar gestures that mean different things in different cultures and that might create interpersonal misunderstandings?

DEVI.1464.210.eps unFig. 5.1

DEVI.1464.211.eps unFig. 5.2

DEVI.1464.212.eps unFig. 5.3

DEVI.1464.213.eps unFig. 5.4DEVI.1464.214.eps

unFig. 5.5

part 2 Interpersonal Messages144

They also help to clarify and intensify your verbal messages. In saying, “Let’s go up,” for example, you probably move your head and perhaps your finger in an upward direction. In describing a circle or a square, you more than likely make circular or square movements with your hands. Research points to another advantage of illustrators: that they increase your ability to remember. People who illustrated their verbal messages with gestures re- membered some 20 percent more than those who didn’t gesture (Goldin-Meadow, Nus- baum, Kelly, & Wagner, 2001). We are aware of illustrators only part of the time; at times, they may have to be brought to our attention. Illustrators are more universal than emblems; illustrators will be recognized and understood by members of more different cultures than will emblems.

affect Displays Affect displays are the movements of the face that convey emotional meaning—the expressions that show anger and fear, happiness and surprise, eagerness and fatigue. They’re the facial expressions that give you away when you try to present a false image and that lead people to say, “You look angry. What’s wrong?” We can, however, consciously control affect displays, as actors do when they play a role. Affect displays may be uninten- tional (as when they give you away) or intentional (as when you want to show anger, love, or surprise). A particular kind of affect display is the poker player’s “tell,” a bit of nonverbal behav- ior that communicates bluffing; it’s a nonverbal cue that tells others that a player is lying. In much the same way that you may want to conceal certain feelings from friends or relatives, the poker player tries to conceal any such tells.

Regulators Regulators monitor, maintain, or control the speaking of another individual. When you listen to another, you’re not passive; you nod your head, purse your lips, adjust your eye focus, and make various paralinguistic sounds such as “mm-mm” or “tsk.” Regulators are culture-bound: Each culture develops its own rules for the regulation of conversation. Regula- tors also include such broad movements as shaking your head to show disbelief or leaning forward in your chair to show that you want to hear more. Regulators communicate what you expect or want speakers to do as they’re talking; for example, “Keep going,” “Tell me what else happened,” “I don’t believe that. Are you sure?” “Speed up,” and “Slow down.” Speakers often receive these nonverbal signals without being consciously aware of them. Depending on their degree of sensitivity, speakers modify their speaking behavior in accordance with these regulators.

adaptors Adaptors satisfy some need and usually occur without conscious awareness; they’re unintentional movements that usually go unnoticed. Nonverbal researchers identify three types of adaptors based on their focus, direction, or target: self-adaptors, alter-adaptors, and object-adaptors (Burgoon, Buller, & Woodall, 1996).

n Self-adaptors usually satisfy a physical need, generally serving to make you more comfort- able; examples include scratching your head to relieve an itch, moistening your lips be- cause they feel dry, or pushing your hair out of your eyes. When these adaptors occur in private, they occur in their entirety: You scratch until the itch is gone. But in public these adaptors usually occur in abbreviated form. When people are watching you, for example, you might put your fingers to your head and move them around a bit but probably not scratch with the same vigor as when in private.

n Alter-adaptors are the body movements you make in response to your current interac- tions. Examples include crossing your arms over your chest when someone unpleasant approaches or moving closer to someone you like.

n Object-adaptors are movements that involve your manipulation of some object. Fre- quently observed examples include punching holes in or drawing on a styrofoam coffee cup, clicking a ballpoint pen, or chewing on a pencil. Object-adaptors are usually signs of negative feelings; for example, you emit more adaptors when feeling hostile than when feel- ing friendly. Further, as anxiety and uneasiness increase, so does the frequency of object- adaptors (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010).

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Gestures and Cultures There is much variation in gestures and their meanings among different cultures (Axtell, 2007). Consider a few common gestures that you may often use with- out thinking, but that could easily get you into trouble if you used them in another culture (also, take a look at Figure 6.1): n Folding your arms over your chest would be considered defiant and disrespectful in Fiji. n Waving your hand would be insulting in Nigeria and Greece. n Gesturing with the thumb up would be rude in Australia. n Tapping your two index fingers together would be considered an invitation to sleep to-

gether in Egypt. n Pointing with your index finger would be impolite in many Middle Eastern countries. n Bowing to a lesser degree than your host would be considered a statement of your superi-

ority in Japan. n Inserting your thumb between your index and middle finger in a clenched fist would be

viewed as a wish that evil fall on the person in some African countries. n Resting your feet on a table or chair would be insulting and disrespectful in some Middle

Eastern cultures.

body appearance Of course, the body communicates even without movement. For example, others may form impressions of you from your general body build; from your height and weight; and from your skin, eye, and hair color. Assessments of your power, attractiveness, and suitability as a friend or romantic partner are often made on the basis of your body appearance (Sheppard & Strathman, 1989).

OK sign France: “You’re a zero”; Japan: “Please give me coins”; Brazil: An obscene gesture; Mediterranean countries: An obscene gesture.

Thumb and forefinger Most countries: Money; France: Something is perfect; Mediterranean: A vulgar gesture.

Thumbs up Australia: “Up yours”; Germany: The number one; Japan: The number five; Saudi Arabia: “I’m winning”; Ghana: An insult; Malaysia: The thumb is used to point rather than the index finger.

Thumbs down Most countries: Something is wrong or bad.

Open palm Greece: An insult dating to ancient times; West Africa: “You have five fathers,” an insult akin to calling someone a bastard.

FigUrE 6.1 Some Cultural Meanings of gestures Cultural differences in the meanings of nonverbal gestures are often significant. The over-the-head clasped hands that signify victory to an American may signify friendship to a Russian. To an American, holding up two fingers to make a V signifies victory or peace. To certain South Americans, however, it is an obscene gesture that corresponds to the American's extended middle finger. This figure highlights some additional nonverbal differences. Can you identify others?

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Height, for example, is significant in a wide variety of situ- ations. Tall presidential candidates have a much better record of winning elections than do their shorter opponents. Tall people seem to be paid more and are favored by interviewers over shorter applicants (Guerrero & Hecht, 2008; Jackson & Ervin, 1992; Keyes, 1980; Knapp & Hall, 2009). Taller people also have higher self-esteem and greater career success than do shorter people ( Judge & Cable, 2004). Your body reveals your race, through skin color and tone, and also may give clues as to your more specific nationality. Your weight in proportion to your height will communicate messages to others, as will the length, color, and style of your hair. Your general attractiveness also is a part of body communi- cation. Attractive people have the advantage in just about ev- ery activity you can name. They get better grades in school, are more valued as friends and lovers, and are preferred as co- workers (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010). Although we nor- mally think that attractiveness is culturally determined—and to some degree it is—research seems to indicate that defini- tions of attractiveness are becoming universal (Brody, 1994). That is, a person rated as attractive in one culture is likely to be rated as attractive in other cultures—even in cultures whose people are widely different in appearance.

Facial Communication Throughout your interpersonal interactions, your face communicates—especially signaling your emotions. In fact, facial movements alone seem to communicate the degree of pleasant- ness, agreement, and sympathy a person feels; the rest of the body doesn’t provide any addi- tional information. For other aspects, however—for example, the intensity with which an emotion is felt—both facial and bodily cues are used (Graham & Argyle, 1975; Graham, Bitti, & Argyle, 1975). Some nonverbal communication researchers claim that facial movements may communi- cate at least the following eight emotions: happiness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust, contempt, and interest (Ekman, Friesen, & Ellsworth, 1972). Others propose that, in addition, facial movements may communicate bewilderment and determination (Leathers & Eaves, 2008). Of course, some emotions are easier to communicate and to decode than others. For example, in one study, happiness was judged with an accuracy ranging from 55 percent to 100 percent, surprise from 38 percent to 86 percent, and sadness from 19 percent to 88 percent (Ekman, Friesen, & Ellsworth, 1972). Research finds that women and girls are more accurate judges of facial emotional expression than men and boys (Argyle, 1988; Hall, 1984). As you’ve probably experienced, you may interpret the same facial expression differently depending on the context in which it occurs. For example, in a classic study, when a smiling face was presented looking at a glum face, the smiling face was judged to be vicious and taunt- ing. But when the same smiling face was presented looking at a frowning face, it was judged peaceful and friendly (Cline, 1956). In general, not surprisingly, people who smile are judged to be more likable and more approachable than people who don’t smile or people who pretend to smile (Gladstone & Parker, 2002; Kluger, 2005; Woodzicka & LaFrance, 2005). And women perceive men who are smiled at by other women as being more attractive than men who are not smiled at. But men—perhaps being more competitive—perceive men whom women smile at as being less attractive than men who are not smiled at ( Jones, DeBruine, Little, Burriss, & Feinberg, 2007).

VIEWPOINTS On a 10-point scale, with 1 indicating “not at all important” and 10 indicating “extremely important,” how important is body appearance to your own romantic interest in another person? Do the men and women you know conform to the stereotypes that claim males are more concerned with the physical and females more concerned with personality?

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Facial Management As you learned the nonverbal system of communication, you also learned certain facial management techniques that enable you to communicate your feelings to achieve the effect you want—for example, to hide certain emotions and to emphasize oth- ers. Consider your own use of such facial management techniques. As you do so, think about the types of interpersonal situations in which you would use each of these facial management techniques (Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989; Metts & Planalp, 2002). Would you: n intensify, as when you exaggerate surprise when friends throw you a party to make your

friends feel better? n deintensify, as when you cover up your own joy in the presence of a friend who didn’t re-

ceive such good news? n neutralize, as when you cover up your sadness to keep from depressing others? n mask, as when you express happiness in order to cover up your disappointment at not

receiving the gift you expected? n simulate, as when you express an emotion you don’t feel?

These facial management techniques help you display emotions in socially acceptable ways. For example, when someone gets bad news in which you may secretly take pleasure, the display rule dictates that you frown and otherwise nonverbally signal your sorrow. If you place first in a race and your best friend barely finishes, the display rule requires that you minimize your expression of pleasure in winning and avoid any signs of gloating. If you vio- late these display rules, you’ll be judged as insensitive. So although facial management tech- niques may be deceptive, they’re also expected—and, in fact, required by the rules of polite interaction.

Facial Feedback When you express emotions facially, a feedback effect is observed. This finding has given rise to what is called the facial feedback hypothesis, which holds that your facial expressions influence your physiological arousal (Lanzetta, Cartwright-Smith, & Kleck, 1976; Zuckerman, Klorman, Larrance, & Spiegel, 1981). For example, in one study, par- ticipants held a pen in their teeth to simulate a sad expression and then rated a series of photographs. Results showed that mimicking sad expressions actually increased the degree of sadness the subjects reported feeling when viewing the photographs (Larsen, Kasimatis, & Frey, 1992). Generally, research finds that facial expressions can produce or heighten feelings of sad- ness, fear, disgust, and anger. But this effect does not occur with all emotions; smiling, for ex- ample, won’t make you feel happier. And if you’re feeling sad, smiling is not likely to replace your sadness with happiness. A reasonable conclusion seems to be that your facial expres- sions can influence some feelings, but not all (Burgoon & Bacue, 2003).

Culture and Facial Communication The wide variations in facial communication that we observe in different cultures seem to reflect which reactions are publicly permissible rather than a fundamental difference in the way emotions are facially expressed. In one study, for example, Japanese and American students watched a film of a surgical operation (Ekman, 1985). The students were videotaped both during an interview about the film and alone while watching the film. When alone, the students showed very similar reactions; but in the interview the American students displayed facial expressions indicating displeasure, whereas the Japanese students did not show any great emotion. Similarly, it’s considered “forward” or inappropriate for Japanese women to reveal broad smiles, so many Japanese women will hide their smile, sometimes with their hands (Ma, 1996). Women in the United States, on the other hand, have no such restrictions and so are more likely to smile openly. Thus, the difference may not be in the way different cultures express emotions but rather in the society’s cultural display rules, or rules about the appropriate display of emotions in public (Aune, 2005; Matsumoto, 1991). For example, the well-documented finding that women smile more than men is likely due, at least in part, to display rules that allow women to smile more than men (Hall, 2006).

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eye Communication Occulesis is the study of the messages communicated by the eyes, which vary depending on the duration, direction, and quality of the eye behavior. For example, in every culture there are rather strict, though unstated, rules for the proper duration for eye contact. In much of Eng- land and the United States, for example, the average length of gaze is 2.95 seconds. The average length of mutual gaze (two persons gazing at each other) is 1.18 seconds (Argyle, 1988; Argyle & Ingham, 1972). When the duration of eye contact is shorter than 1.18 seconds, you may think the person is uninterested, shy, or preoccupied. When the appropriate amount of time is exceeded, you may perceive this as showing high interest. In much of the United States direct eye contact is considered an expression of honesty and forthrightness. But the Japanese often view eye contact as a lack of respect. The Japanese will glance at the other person’s face rarely and then only for very short periods (Axtell, 2007). In many Hispanic cultures, direct eye contact signifies a certain equality and so should be avoided by, say, children when speaking to a person in authority. Try visualizing the potential misun- derstandings that eye communication alone could create when people from Tokyo, San Francisco, and San Juan try to communicate. The direction of the eye also communicates. Generally, in communicating with another person, you will glance alternatively at the other person’s face, then away, then again at the face, and so on. When these directional rules are broken, different meanings are communicated— abnormally high or low interest, self-consciousness, nervousness over the interaction, and so on. The quality of the gaze—how wide or how narrow your eyes get during interaction— also communicates meaning, especially interest level and such emotions as surprise, fear, and disgust.

eye Contact You use eye contact to serve several important functions (Knapp & Hall, 2009; Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012). n To monitor feedback. For example, when you talk with

others, you look at them and try to understand their reac- tions to what you’re saying. You try to read their feedback, and on this basis you adjust what you say. As you can imagine, successful readings of feedback will help consid- erably in your overall effectiveness.

n To secure attention. When you speak with two or three other people, you maintain eye contact to secure the at- tention and interest of your listeners. When someone fails to pay you the attention you want, you probably in- crease your eye contact, hoping that this will increase attention.

n To regulate the conversation. Eye contact helps you reg- ulate, manage, and control the conversation. With eye movements you can inform the other person that she or he should speak. A clear example of this occurs in the college classroom, where the instructor asks a question and then locks eyes with a student. This type of eye contact tells the student to answer the question.

n To signal the nature of the relationship. Eye communi- cation also can serve as a “tie sign” or signal of the nature of the relationship between two people—for example, to indi- cate positive or negative regard. Depending on the culture, eye contact may communicate your romantic interest in another person, or eye avoidance may indicate respect. Some researchers note that eye contact serves to enable

VIEWPOINTS Listeners gaze at speakers more than speakers gaze at listeners (Knapp & Hall, 2009. The percentage of interaction time spent gazing while listening, for example, ranges from 62 percent to 75 percent; the percentage of time spent gazing while talking, however, ranges from 38 percent to 41 percent. When these percentages are reversed—when a speaker gazes at the listener for longer than “normal” periods or when a listener gazes at the speaker for shorter than “normal” periods—the conversational interaction becomes awkward. Try this out with a friend and see what happens. Even with mutual awareness, you’ll notice the discomfort caused by this seemingly minor communication change.

Another type of eye movement is the eye roll. Take a look at “The Eye Roll” at tcbdevito.blogspot.com. Do you use the eye roll? What messages would you be most likely to communicate with the eye roll?

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gay men and lesbians to signal their homosexuality and perhaps their interest in some- one—an ability referred to as “gaydar” (Nicholas, 2004).

n To signal status. Eye contact is often used to signal status and aggression. Among many younger people, prolonged eye contact from a stranger is taken to signify aggressiveness and frequently prompts physical violence—merely because one person looked perhaps a little longer than was considered normal in that specific culture (Matsumoto, 1996).

n To compensate for physical distance. Eye contact is often used to compensate for in- creased physical distance. By making eye contact you overcome psychologically the physi- cal distance between yourself and another person. When you catch someone’s eye at a party, for example, you become psychologically closer even though you may be separated by considerable physical distance.

eye avoidance The eyes, sociologist Erving Goffman observed in Interaction Ritual (1967), are “great intruders.” When you avoid eye contact or avert your glance, you allow others to maintain their privacy. You probably do this when you see a couple arguing in the street or on a bus. You turn your eyes away, as if to say, “I don’t mean to intrude; I respect your privacy.” Goffman refers to this behavior as civil inattention. Eye avoidance also can signal lack of interest—in a person, a conversation, or some visual stimulus. At times, like the ostrich, we hide our eyes to try to cut off unpleasant stimuli. No- tice, for example, how quickly people close their eyes in the face of some extreme unpleasant- ness. Interestingly enough, even if the unpleasantness is auditory, we tend to shut it out by closing our eyes. At other times, we close our eyes to block out visual stimuli and thus to heighten our other senses; for example, we often listen to music with our eyes closed. Lovers often close their eyes while kissing, and many prefer to make love in a dark or dimly lit room.

Pupil Dilation In the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, Italian women used to put drops of belladonna (which literally means “beautiful woman”) into their eyes to enlarge the pupils so that they would look more attractive. Research in the field of pupillometrics supports the in- tuitive logic of these women: Dilated pupils are in fact judged more attractive than constricted ones (Hess, 1975; Marshall, 1983). In one study, for example, photographs of women were retouched (Hess, 1975). In one set of photographs the pupils were enlarged, and in the other they were made smaller. Men were then asked to judge the women’s personalities from the photographs. The photos of women with small pupils drew responses such as cold, hard, and selfish; those with dilated pupils drew responses such as feminine and soft. However, the male observers could not verbalize the reasons for the different perceptions. Both pupil dilation itself and people’s reactions to changes in the pupil size of others seem to function below the level of conscious awareness. Pupil size also reveals your interest and level of emotional arousal. Your pupils enlarge when you’re interested in something or when you’re emotionally aroused. When homosexuals and heterosexuals were shown pictures of nude bodies, the homosexuals’ pupils dilated more when viewing same-sex bodies, whereas the heterosexuals’ pupils dilated more when viewing opposite-sex bodies (Hess, Seltzer, & Schlien, 1965). These pupillary responses are uncon- scious and are even observed in persons with profound mental retardation (Chaney, Givens, Aoki, & Gombiner, 1989). Perhaps we find dilated pupils more attractive because we judge them as indicative of a person’s interest in us. That may be why models, Beanie Babies, and Teletubbies, for example, have exceptionally large pupils. Although belladonna is no longer used, the cosmetics industry has made millions selling eye enhancers—eye shadow, eyeliner, false eyelashes, and tinted contact lenses that change eye color. These items function (ideally, at least) to draw attention to these most powerful communicators.

Culture and eye Communication Not surprisingly, eye messages vary with both culture and gender. Americans, for example, consider direct eye contact an expression of honesty and forthrightness, but the Japanese often view this as showing a lack of respect. A Japanese person will glance at the other person’s face rarely, and then only for very short periods

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Working with interpersonal Skills

How would other people rate you on immediacy? If you have no idea, ask a few friends. How would you rate yourself? In what situations might you express greater immediacy? In what situations might you express less immediacy?

Understanding Interpersonal Skills iMMEdiACy

Immediacy is the creation of closeness, a sense of togetherness, of oneness, between speaker and listener. When you communicate immediacy you convey a sense of inter- est and attention, a liking for and an attraction to the other person. You communicate immediacy with both verbal and nonverbal messages.

Not surprisingly, people respond to communication that is immediate more favor- ably than to communication that is not. People like people who communicate imme- diacy. You can increase your interpersonal attractiveness, the degree to which others like you and respond positively toward you, by using immediacy behaviors. In addition there is considerable evidence to show that immediacy behaviors are also effective in workplace communication, especially between supervisors and subordinates (Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012). For example, when a supervisors uses immediacy behav- iors, he or she is seen by subordinates as interested and concerned; subordinates are therefore likely to communicate more freely and honestly about issues that can benefit the supervisor and the organization. Also, workers with supervisors who communicate immediacy behaviors have higher job satisfaction and motivation.

Not all cultures or all people respond in the same way to immediacy messages. For example, in the United States immediacy behaviors are generally seen as friendly and appropriate. In other cultures, however, the same immediacy behaviors may be viewed as overly familiar—as presuming that a relationship is close when only acquaintanceship exists (Axtell, 2007). Similarly, recognize that some people may take your immediacy behaviors as indicating a desire for increased intimacy in the relationship. So although you may be trying merely to signal a friendly closeness, the other person may perceive a romantic invitation. Also, recognize that because immediacy behaviors prolong and encourage in-depth communication, they may not be responded to favorably by per- sons who are fearful about communication and/or who want to get the interaction over with as soon as possible (Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012).

Communicating Immediacy. Here are a few suggestions for communicating immedi- acy verbally and nonverbally (Mottet & Richmond, 1998; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012):

n Self-disclose; reveal something significant about yourself. n Refer to the other person's good qualities of, say, dependability, intelligence, or

character—"you're always so reliable." n Express your positive view of the other person and of your relationship—"I'm so

glad you're my roommate; you know everyone." n Talk about commonalities, things you and the other person have done together or share. n Demonstrate your responsiveness by giving feedback cues that indicate you want

to listen more and that you're interested—"And what else happened?" n Express psychological closeness and openness by, for example, maintaining physical

closeness and arranging your body to exclude third parties. n Maintain appropriate eye contact and limit looking around at others. n Smile and express your interest in the other person. n Focus on the other person's remarks. Make the speaker know that you heard and under-

stood what was said, and give the speaker appropriate verbal and nonverbal feedback.

At the same time that you'll want to demonstrate these immediacy messages, try also to avoid nonimmediacy messages, such as speaking in a monotone, looking away from the person you're talking to, frowning while talking, having a tense body posture, or avoiding gestures.

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(Axtell, 2007). Interpreting another’s eye contact messages according to your own cultural rules is a risky undertaking; eye movements that you may interpret as insulting may have been intended to show respect. Women make eye contact more and maintain it longer (both in speaking and in listening) than men. This holds true whether women are interacting with other women or with men. This difference in eye behavior may result from women’s greater tendency to display their emotions (Wood, 1994). When women interact with other women, they display affili- ative and supportive eye contact, whereas when men interact with other men, they avert their gaze (Gamble & Gamble, 2003). Cultural differences also exist in the ways people decode the meanings of facial expressions. For example, American and Japanese students judged the meaning of a smiling and a neutral facial expression. The Americans rated the smiling face as more attractive, more intelligent, and more sociable than the neutral face. In contrast, the Japanese rated the smil- ing face as more sociable but not as more attractive—and they rated the neutral face as more intelligent (Matsumoto & Kudoh, 1993).

Touch Communication Tactile communication, or communication by touch, also referred to as haptics, is perhaps the most primitive form of communication. Developmentally, touch is probably the first sense to be used; even in the womb, the child is stimulated by touch. Soon after birth the child is fondled, caressed, patted, and stroked. In turn, the child explores its world through touch. In a very short time, the child learns to communicate a wide variety of meanings through touch. Not surprisingly, touch also varies with your relation- ship stage. In the early stages of a relationship, you touch little; in intermediate stages (involve- ment and intimacy), you touch a great deal; and at stable or deteriorating stages, you again touch little (Guerrero & Andersen, 1991).

The Meanings of Touch Touch may communicate five major meanings ( Jones, 2005; Jones & Yarbrough, 1985). n Positive emotions. Touch often communicates positive emotions, mainly between inti-

mates or others who have a relatively close relationship. Among the most important of these positive emotions are support, appreciation, inclusion, sexual interest or intent, and affection. Additional research found that touch communicated such positive feelings as composure, immediacy, trust, similarity and equality, and informality (Burgoon, 1991). Touch also has been found to facilitate self-disclosure (Rabinowitz, 1991).

n Playfulness. Touch often communicates a desire to play, either affectionately or aggres- sively. When touch is used in this manner, the playfulness deemphasizes the emotion and tells the other person that it’s not to be taken seriously. Playful touches lighten an interac- tion.

n Control. Touch also may seek to control the behaviors, attitudes, or feelings of the other person. Such control may communicate various different kinds of messages. To ask for compliance, for example, we touch the other person to communicate, “Move over,” “Hurry,” “Stay here,” or “Do it.” Touching to control may also communicate status and dominance (DiBaise & Gunnoe, 2004; Henley, 1977). The higher-status and dominant person, for

VIEWPOINTS Here are a few findings from research on nonverbal gender differences (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010; Gamble & Gamble, 2003; Guerrero & Hecht, 2008; KroLøkke & Sørensen, 2006; Stewart, Cooper, & Stewart, 2003): (1) Women smile more than men. (2) Women stand closer to each other than do men and are generally approached more closely than men. (3) Both men and women, when speaking, look at men more than at women. (4) Women both touch and are touched more than men. (5) Men extend their bodies more, taking up greater areas of space, than women. What problems might these differences create when men and women communicate with each other?

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example, initiates touch. In fact, it would be a breach of etiquette for the lower-status person to touch the person of higher status.

n Ritual. Much touching centers on performing rituals; for example, in greetings and de- partures. Shaking hands to say hello or goodbye is perhaps the clearest example of ritu- alistic touching, but we might also hug, kiss, or put an arm around another’s shoulder.

n Task-related. Touching is often associated with the performance of a function, such as removing a speck of dust from another person’s face, helping someone out of a car, or checking someone’s forehead for fever. Task-related touching seems generally to be regarded positively. In studies on the subject, for example, book borrowers had a more positive attitude toward the library and the librarian when touched lightly, and cus- tomers gave larger tips when lightly touched by the waitress (Marsh, 1988). Similarly, diners who were touched on the shoulder or hand when being given their change in a restaurant tipped more than diners who were not touched (Crusco & Wetzel, 1984; Guéguen & Jacob, 2004; Stephen & Zweigenhaft, 1986).

As you can imagine, touching also can get you into trouble. For example, touching that is too positive (or too intimate) too early in a relationship may send the wrong signals. Sim- ilarly, playing too roughly or holding someone’s arm to control their movements may be resented. Using ritualistic touching incorrectly or in ways that may be culturally insensi- tive may likewise get you into difficulty.

Touch avoidance Much as we have a need and desire to touch and be touched by others, we also have a tendency to avoid touch from certain people or in certain circum- stances (Andersen, 2004; Andersen & Leibowitz, 1978). Among the important findings is that touch avoidance is positively related to com- munication apprehension, or fear or anxiety about communicating: People who fear oral communication also score high on touch avoidance. Touch avoidance also is high among those who self-disclose little; touch and self-disclosure are intimate forms of communica- tion, and people who are reluctant to get close to another person by self-disclosure also seem reluctant to get close through touch. Older people have higher touch avoidance scores for opposite-sex persons than do younger people. Apparently, as we get older we are touched less by members of the op- posite sex, and this decreased frequency of touching may lead us to avoid touching. Males score higher than females on same-sex touch avoidance. This accords well with our ste- reotypes: Men avoid touching other men, but women may and do touch other women. Women, it is found, have higher touch avoidance scores for opposite-sex touching than do men.

Culture and Touch The several functions and examples of touching discussed ear- lier in this chapter were based on studies in North America; in other cultures these functions are not served in the same way. In some cultures, for example, some task- related touching is viewed negatively and is to be avoided. Among Koreans it is consid- ered disrespectful for a store owner to touch a customer in, say, handing back change; it is considered too intimate a gesture. A member of another culture who is used to such touching may consider the Korean’s behavior cold and aloof. Muslim children are socialized not to touch members of the opposite sex; their behavior can easily be inter- preted as unfriendly by American children who are used to touching one another (Dresser, 2005).

Some cultures—including many in southern Europe and the Middle East—are contact cul- tures; others are noncontact cultures, such as those of northern Europe and Japan. Members of contact cultures maintain close distances, touch one another in conversation, face each other more directly, and maintain longer and more focused eye contact. Members of noncon- tact cultures maintain greater distance in their interactions, touch each other rarely (if at all), avoid facing each other directly, and maintain much less direct eye contact. As a result of these

VIEWPOINTS Consider, as Nancy Henley asks in her book Body Politics (1977), who would touch whom—say, by putting an arm on the other person’s shoulder or by putting a hand on the other per- son’s back—in the following dyads: teacher and student, doctor and patient, manager and worker, minis- ter and parishioner, business execu- tive and secretary. Do your answers reveal that the higher-status person initiates touch with the lower-status person? Henley argues that in addi- tion to indicating relative status, touching demonstrates the asser- tion of male power, dominance, and superior status over women. When women touch men, Henley says, any suggestion of a female-domi- nant relationship is not acceptable (to men), so the touching is inter- preted as a sexual invitation. What do you think of this position?

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differences, problems may occur. For example, northern Europeans and Japanese may be per- ceived as cold, distant, and uninvolved by southern Europeans—who may in turn be perceived as pushy, aggressive, and inappropriately intimate.

Paralanguage Paralanguage is the vocal but nonverbal dimension of speech. It has to do with the manner in which you say something rather than with what you say. An old exercise used to increase a student’s ability to express different emotions, feelings, and attitudes was to have the student say the following sentence while accenting or stressing different words: “Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?” Significant differences in meaning are easily communicated, depending on where the stress is placed. Consider, for example, the following variations:

1. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? 2. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? 3. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? 4. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? 5. Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?

Each of these five sentences communicates something different. Each, in fact, asks a to- tally different question, even though the words used are identical. All that distinguishes the sentences is variation in stress, one of the aspects of paralanguage. In addition to stress, paralanguage includes such vocal characteristics as rate and volume. Paralanguage also includes the vocalizations we make when laughing, yelling, moaning, whin- ing, and belching; vocal segregates—sound combinations that aren’t words—such as “uh-uh” and “shh”; and pitch, the highness or lowness of vocal tone (Argyle, 1988; Trager 1958, 1961).

Paralanguage and People Perception When listening to people—regardless of what they’re saying—we form impressions based on their paralanguage as to what kind of people they are. It does seem that certain voices are symptomatic of certain personality types or problems and, specifically, that the personality orientation gives rise to the vocal qualities. Our impressions of others from paralanguage cues span a broad range and consist of physical im- pressions (perhaps about body type and certainly about gender and age), personality impres- sions (they sound shy, they appear aggressive), and evaluative impressions (they sound like good people, they sound evil and menacing, they have vicious laughs). One of the most interesting findings on voice and personal characteristics is that listeners can accurately judge the socioeconomic status (high, middle, or low) of speakers after hearing a 60-second voice sample. In fact, many listeners reported that they made their judgments in less than 15 seconds. It has also been found that the speakers judged to be of high status were rated as being of higher credibility than those rated of middle or low status. It’s interesting to note that listeners agree with one another about the personality of the speaker even when their judgments are in error. Listeners have similar stereotyped ideas about the way vocal characteristics and personality characteristics are related, and they use these stereotypes in their judgments.

Paralanguage and Persuasion The rate of speech is the aspect of paralanguage that has received the most research attention—because speech rate is related to persuasiveness. Therefore, it’s of interest to the advertiser, the politician, and anyone else who wants to convey information or to influence others orally—especially when time is limited or expensive. The research on rate of speech shows that in one-way communication situations, persons who talk fast are more persuasive and are evaluated more highly than those who talk at or below normal speeds (MacLachlan, 1979). This greater persuasiveness and higher regard holds true whether the person talks fast naturally or the speech is sped up electronically (as in time- compressed speech).

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Touching Your supervisor touches just about everyone. You don’t like it and want it to stop—at least as far as you’re concerned. What are some ways you can nonverbally show your aversion to this unwanted touching?

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In one experiment, subjects were asked to listen to taped messages and then to indicate both the degree to which they agreed with the message and their opinions as to how intelli- gent and objective they thought the speaker was (MacLachlan, 1979). Rates of 111, 140 (the average rate), and 191 words per minute were used. Subjects agreed most with the fastest speech and least with the slowest speech. Further, they rated the fastest speaker as the most intelligent and objective and the slowest speaker as the least intelligent and objective. Even in experiments in which the speaker was known to have something to gain personally from per- suasion (as would, say, a salesperson), the speaker who spoke at the fastest rate was the most persuasive. Research also finds that faster speech rates increase listeners’ perceptions of speaker competence and dominance (Buller, LePoire, Aune, & Eloy, 1992). Although generally research finds that a faster than normal speech rate lowers listener comprehension, a rapid rate may still have the advantage in communicating information ( Jones, Berry, & Stevens, 2007; MacLachlan, 1979). For example, people who listened to speeches at 201 words per minute (140 is average) comprehended 95 percent of the message, and those who listened to speeches at 282 words per minute (that is, double the normal rate) comprehended 90 percent. Even though the rates increased dramatically, the comprehension rates fell only slightly. These 5 percent and 10 percent losses are more than offset by the increased speed and thus make the faster rates much more efficient in communicating information. If the speech speeds are increased more than 100 percent, however, listener comprehension falls dramatically. Exercise caution in applying this research to your own interpersonal interactions (MacLachlan, 1979). Realize that while the speaker is speaking, the listener is generating and framing a reply. If the speaker talks too rapidly, there may not be enough time to compose this reply, and resentment may be generated. Furthermore, the increased rate may seem so un- natural that the listener may come to focus on the speed of speech rather than the thought expressed.

Culture and Paralanguage Cultural differences also need to be taken into consideration when we evaluate the results of the studies on speech rate, because different cultures view speech rate differently. For example, investigators found that Korean male speakers who spoke rapidly were given unfavorable credibility ratings, unlike Americans who spoke rapidly (Lee & Boster, 1992). Researchers have suggested that in individualist societies a rapid-rate speaker is seen as more competent than a slow-rate speaker, whereas in collectivist cultures a speaker who uses a slower rate is judged more competent.

Silence “Speech,” wrote Thomas Mann, “is civilization itself. The word, even the most contradictory word, preserves contact; it’s silence which isolates.” Philosopher Karl Jaspers, on the other hand, observed that “the ultimate in thinking as in communication is silence.” And philoso- pher Max Picard noted that “silence is nothing merely negative; it’s not the mere absence of speech. It’s a positive, a complete world in itself.” The one thing on which these contradictory observations agree is that silence communicates. Your silence communicates just as intensely as anything you verbalize ( Jaworski, 1993; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012).

The Functions of Silence Like words and gestures, silence serves important communica- tion functions. Here are several: n To provide time to think. Silence allows the speaker time to think, time to formulate and

organize his or her verbal communications. Before messages of intense conflict, as well as those confessing undying love, there is often silence. Again, silence seems to prepare the receiver for the importance of these future messages.

n To hurt. Some people use silence as a weapon to hurt others. We often speak of giving someone “the silent treatment.” After a conflict, for example, one or both individuals may remain silent as a kind of punishment. Silence used to hurt others also may take the form of refusing to acknowledge the presence of another person, as in disconfirmation (see

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Chapter 5); here silence is a dramatic demonstration of the total indifference one person feels toward the other.

n To respond to personal anxiety. Sometimes silence is used as a response to personal anx- iety, shyness, or threats. You may feel anxious or shy among new people and prefer to re- main silent. By remaining silent you preclude the chance of rejection. Only when you break your silence and attempt to communicate with another person do you risk rejection.

n To prevent communication. Silence may be used to prevent communication of certain messages. In conflict situations, silence is sometimes used to prevent certain topics from surfacing or to prevent one or both parties from saying things they may later regret. In such situations, silence often allows us time to cool off before expressing hatred, severe criti- cism, or personal attacks that we know are irreversible.

n To communicate emotions. Like the eyes, face, or hands, silence can also be used to com- municate emotions (Ehrenhaus, 1988; Lane, Koetting, & Bishop, 2002). Sometimes silence communicates a determination to be uncooperative or defiant; by refusing to engage in verbal communication, you defy the authority or the legitimacy of the other person’s posi- tion. Silence is often used to communicate annoyance, usually accompanied by a pouting expression, arms crossed in front of the chest, and nostrils flared. Silence may express af- fection or love, especially when coupled with long and longing gazes into each other’s eyes.

n To achieve specific effects. Silence may also be used strategically, to achieve specific effects. The pause before making what you feel is an important comment or after hearing about some mishap may be strategically positioned to communicate a desired impression—to make your idea stand out among others or perhaps to give others the impression that you care a lot more than you really do. In some cases a prolonged silence after someone voices disagreement may give the appearance of control and superiority. It’s a way of saying, “I can respond in my own time.” Generally, research finds that people use silence strategically more with strangers than they do with close friends (Hasegawa & Gudykunst, 1998).

n To say nothing. Of course, you also may use silence when you simply have nothing to say, when nothing occurs to you, or when you don’t want to say anything. James Russell Lowell

Remaining silent is at times your right. At other times, however, it may be unlawful. You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself. You have a right to protect your privacy—to withhold information that has no bearing on the matter at hand. For example, your previous relationship history, affectional orientation, or religion is usually irrelevant to your ability to function in a job, and thus may be kept private in most job-related situations. On the other hand, these issues may be relevant when, for example, you’re about to enter a more intimate phase of a relationship; then there may be an obligation to reveal information about yourself that could ethically have been kept hidden at earlier relationship stages.

You do not have the right to remain silent and to refuse to reveal information about crimes you’ve seen others commit. However, psychiatrists, clergy, and lawyers—fortunately or unfortunately—are often exempt from the requirement to reveal information about criminal activities when the information had been gained through privileged communi- cation with clients.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication intErpErSonAl SilEnCE EthICAl ChoICE PoInt

On your way to work, you witness a father verbally abusing his three-year-old child. You worry that he might psychologically harm the child, and your first impulse is to speak up and tell this man that verbal abuse can have lasting effects on the child and often leads to physical abuse. At the same time, you don't want to interfere with his right to speak to his child and you certainly don't want to make him angrier. What is your ethical obligation in this case? What would you do in this situation?

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expressed this well: “Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it.” At the same time, recall the inevitability of communica- tion: When in an interactional situation, your silence will also communicate.

The Spiral of Silence The spiral of silence theory offers a somewhat dif- ferent perspective on silence. Applying this theory (originally developed to explain the media’s influence on opinion) to the interpersonal context, this theory argues that you’re more likely to voice agreement than disagreement (Noelle-Neumann, 1973, 1980, 1991; Scheufele & Moy, 2000 Severin & Tankard, 2001). The theory claims that when a controversial issue arises, you esti- mate the opinions of others and figure out which views are popular and which are not. In face-to-face conversations—say with a group of five or six people—you’d have to guess about their opinions or wait until they’re voiced. In social media communication, on the other hand, you’re often provided statistics on opinions that eliminate the guess work. You also estimate the

rewards and the punishments you’d likely get from expressing popular or unpopular posi- tions. You then use these estimates to determine which opinions you’ll express and which you won’t. Generally, you’re more likely to voice your opinions when you agree with the majority than when you disagree. And there’s evidence to show that this effect is stronger for minority group members (Bowen & Blackmon, 2003). You may do this to avoid being isolated from the major- ity, or for fear of being proved wrong or being disliked, for example. Or you may simply assume that the majority, because they’re a majority, must be right. As people with minority views remain silent, the majority position gets stronger (because those who agree with it are the only ones speaking); so, as the majority position becomes stronger and the minority position becomes weaker, the situation becomes an ever-widening spiral. The Internet (blogs and social network sites, especially) may in some ways act as a counteragent to the spiral of silence, because Internet discussions provide so many free ways for you to express minority viewpoints (anonymously if you wish) and to quickly find like- minded others (McDevitt, Kiousis, & Wahl-Jorgensen, 2003).

Culture and Silence Similarly, not all cultures view silence as functioning in the same way (Vainiomaki, 2004). In the United States, for example, people often interpret silence neg- atively. At a business meeting or even in an informal social group, others may wonder if the silent member is not listen- ing, has nothing interesting to add, doesn’t understand the issues, is insensitive, or is too self-absorbed to focus on the messages of others. Other cultures, however, view silence more positively. In many situations in Japan, for example, silence is a re- sponse that is considered more appropriate than speech (Haga, 1988). And in this country the traditional Apache re- gard silence very differently than do European Americans (Basso, 1972). Among the Apache, mutual friends do not feel the need to introduce strangers who may be working in the same area or on the same project. The strangers may remain silent for several days. This period enables people to observe one another and to come to a judgment about the other in- dividuals. Once this assessment is made, the individuals talk. When courting, especially during the initial stages, Apache couples remain silent for hours; if they do talk, they generally talk very little. Only after a couple has been dating for several months will they have lengthy conversations.

Sometimes it is a good choice not to choose at all. —Michel de Montaigne

VIEWPOINTS Consider the operation of the spiral of si- lence theory on your own interpersonal interactions. For ex- ample, if you were talking with a group of new students, would you be more likely to voice opinions that agreed with the ma- jority? Would you hesitate to voice opinions that differed greatly from what the others were expressing?

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These periods of silence are generally attributed to shyness or self-consciousness. The use of silence is explicitly taught to Apache women, who are especially discouraged from engaging in long discussions with their dates. Silence during courtship is a sign of modesty to many Apache.

Spatial Messages and Territoriality Space is an especially important factor in interpersonal communication, although we seldom think about it. Edward T. Hall (1959, 1963, 1966), who pioneered the study of spatial com- munication, called this area proxemics. We can examine this broad area by looking at proxemic distances, the theories about space, and territoriality.

Proxemic Distances Four proxemic distances, the distances we maintain between each other in our interactions, correspond closely to the major types of relationships. They are intimate, personal, social, and public distances (see Table 6.3).

Intimate Distance Within intimate distance, ranging from the close phase of actual touching to the far phase of 6 to 18 inches, the presence of the other person is unmistakable. You experience the sound, smell, and feel of the other’s breath. The close phase is used for lovemaking and wrestling, for comforting and protecting. In the close phase, the muscles and the skin communicate, while actual words play a minor role. The far phase allows people to touch each other by extending their hands. The individuals are so close that this distance is not considered proper for strangers in public. Because of the feeling of inappropriateness and discomfort (at least for some Americans), if

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Inappropriate Spacing As in an episode of Seinfeld, your friend is a “close talker” who stands much too close to others when talking and makes others feel uncomfortable. What (if anything) can you say to help your friend use space to communicate more effectively?

relationship distance

Intimate relationship Intimate distance 0 _____________________________ 18 inches close phase far phase

Personal relationship Personal distance 11/2 ___________________________ 4 feet close phase far phase

Social relationship Social distance 4 _____________________________ 12 feet close phase far phase

Public relationship Public distance 12 ____________________________ 25+ feet close phase far phase

Relationships and Proxemic DistancesTable 6.3

Note that these four distances can be further divided into close and far phases and that the far phase of one level (say, personal) blends into the close phase of the next level (social). Do your relationships also blend into one another? Or are, say, your personal relationships totally separate from your social relationships?

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strangers are this close (say, on a crowded bus), their eyes seldom meet but remain fixed on some remote object.

Personal Distance You carry a protective bubble defining your personal distance, which allows you to stay protected and untouched by others. Personal distance ranges from 18 inches to about 4 feet. In the close phase, people can still hold or grasp each other, but only by extend- ing their arms. You can then take into your protective bubble certain individuals—for example, loved ones. In the far phase, you can touch another person only if you both extend your arms. This far phase is the extent to which you can physically get your hands on things; hence, it defines, in one sense, the limits of your physical control over others. At times, you may detect breath odor, but generally at this distance etiquette demands that you direct your breath to some neutral area.

Social Distance At the social distance, ranging from 4 to 12 feet, you lose the visual detail you had at the personal distance. The close phase is the distance at which you conduct imper- sonal business or interact at a social gathering. The far phase is the distance at which you stand when someone says, “Stand away so I can look at you.” At this distance, business trans- actions have a more formal tone than they do when conducted in the close phase. In the offices of high officials, the desks are often positioned so that clients are kept at least this distance away. Unlike the intimate distance, where eye contact is awkward, the far phase of the social distance makes eye contact essential—otherwise, communication is lost. The voice is generally louder than normal at this level. This distance enables you to avoid constant inter- action with those with whom you work without seeming rude.

Public Distance Public distance ranges from 12 to more than 25 feet. In the close phase, a person seems protected by space. At this distance, you’re able to take defensive action should you feel threatened. On a public bus or train, for example, you might keep at least this distance from a drunk. Although you lose the fine details of the face and eyes, you’re still close enough to see what is happening. At the far phase, you see others not as separate individuals but as part of the whole setting. People automatically establish a space of approximately 30 feet around important public fig- ures, and they seem to do this whether or not there are guards preventing their coming closer. The far phase is the distance by which actors on stage are separated from their audience; consequently, their actions and voices have to be somewhat exaggerated. The specific distance that you’ll maintain between yourself and any given person depends on a wide variety of factors (Burgoon & Bacue, 2003; Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010). Among the most significant are: Gender (women sit and stand closer to each other than do men in same-sex dyads, and people approach women more closely than they approach men); age (people maintain closer distances with similarly aged others than they do with those much older or much younger); personality (introverts and highly anxious people maintain greater distances than do extroverts); and familiarity (you’ll maintain shorter distances with people you’re familiar with than with strangers, and with people you like than with those you don’t like).

Territoriality Another type of communication having to do with space is territoriality, the possessive reaction to an area or to particular objects. You interact basically in three types of territories (Altman, 1975): n Primary territories, or home territories, are areas that you might call your own; these

areas are your exclusive preserve and might include your room, your desk, or your office. n Secondary territories are areas that don’t belong to you but that you have occupied; thus,

you’re associated with them. Secondary territories might include the table in the cafeteria that you regularly eat at, your classroom seat, or your neighborhood turf.

n Public territories are areas that are open to all people; they may be owned by some person or organization, but they are used by everyone. Examples include a movie house, a restau- rant, or a shopping mall.

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When you operate in your own primary territory, you have an interpersonal advantage, of- ten called the home field advantage. In their own home or office, people take on a kind of leadership role: They initiate conversations, fill in silences, assume relaxed and comfortable postures, and in conversations maintain their positions with greater conviction. Because the territorial owner is dominant, you stand a better chance of getting your raise, having your point accepted, or getting a contract resolved in your favor if you’re in your own territory (your office, your home) rather than in someone else’s (your supervisor’s office, for example) (Marsh, 1988). Like animals, humans mark both their primary and secondary territories to signal owner- ship. Some people—perhaps because they can’t own territories—use markers to indicate pseudo-ownership or appropriation of someone else’s space, or of a public territory, for their own use (Childress, 2004). Graffiti and the markings of gang boundaries come quickly to mind as examples. If you think about your own use of markers, you’ll probably identify three differ- ent types of markers: central, boundary, and ear markers (Goffman, 1971). n Central markers are items you place in a territory to reserve it for you—for example, a

coffee cup on the table, books on your desk, or a sweater over a library chair. n Boundary markers set boundaries that divide your territory from that of others. In the

supermarket checkout line, the bar that is placed between your groceries and those of the person behind you is a boundary marker, as are fences, the armrests separating chairs in a movie theater, and the contours of the molded plastic seats on a bus.

n Ear markers—a term taken from the practice of branding animals on their ears—are iden- tifying marks that indicate your possession of a territory or object. Trademarks, name- plates, and monograms are all examples of ear markers.

Markers are important in giving you a feeling of belonging. For example, students in college dormitories who marked their rooms by displaying personal items stayed in school longer than did those who didn’t personalize their spaces (Marsh, 1988). Again, like animals, humans use territory to signal their status. For example, the size and location of your territory (your home or office, say) indicates something about your status. Status is also signaled by the unwritten law granting the right of invasion, or territorial encroachment. Higher-status individuals have a “right” to invade the territory of lower-status persons, but the reverse is not true. The boss of a large company, for example, can barge into the office of a junior executive, but the reverse would be unthinkable. Similarly, a teacher may invade a student’s personal space by looking over her or his shoulder as the student writes, but the student cannot do the same to the teacher. At times, you may want to resist the encroachment on your territory. If so, you can react in several ways (Lyman & Scott, 1967; Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson, 2012): n In withdrawal you simply leave the scene, whether the country, home, office, or social

media site. n In turf defense you defend the territory against the encroachment. This may mean doing

something as simple as saying, “This is my seat,” or you may start a fight as nations do. n Insulation involves erecting barriers between yourself and those who would encroach on

your territory. Putting up a fence around your property or surrounding your desk with furniture so that others can’t get close are common examples of insulation.

n Linguistic collusion means speaking in a language or jargon that the “invaders” don’t un- derstand and thus excluding them from your interactions.

artifactual Communication Artifactual communication consists of messages conveyed by objects that are made by hu- man hands. Thus, aesthetics, color, clothing, jewelry, and hairstyle, as well as scents such as perfume, cologne, or incense, all are considered artifactual. Here are a few examples.

Space Decoration That the decoration or surroundings of a place exert influence on perceptions should be obvious to anyone who has ever entered a hospital, with its sterile

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Working with Theories and research

Do these theories reflect the way you view space and interpersonal distance? Are there aspects of spatial distance that you'd like explained that these theories don't?

Researchers studying nonverbal communication have offered numer- ous explanations as to why people maintain the distances they do. Prominent among these explanations are protection theory, equilibrium theory, and expectancy violation theory—rather complex names for simple and interesting concepts. Protection theory holds that you establish a body buffer zone around yourself as protection against unwanted touching or attack (Dosey & Meisels, 1976). When you feel that you may be attacked, your body buffer zone increases; you want more space around you. For ex- ample, if you found yourself in a dangerous neighborhood at night, your body buffer zone would probably expand well beyond what it would be if you were in familiar and safe surroundings. If someone entered this buffer zone, you would probably feel threatened and seek to expand the distance by walking faster or crossing the street. In contrast, when you’re feeling secure and protected, your buffer zone becomes much smaller. For example, if you’re with a group of close friends and feel secure, your buffer zone shrinks, and you may welcome close proximity and mutual touching. Equilibrium theory holds that intimacy and interpersonal distance vary together: The greater the intimacy, the closer the distance; the lower the intimacy, the greater the distance. This theory says that you main- tain close distances with those with whom you have close interpersonal relationships and that you maintain greater distances with those with whom you do not have close relationships (Argyle & Dean, 1965; Bailenson, Blascovich, Beall, & Loomis, 2001). At times, however, you’re forced into close distances with someone with whom you’re not intimate (or whom you may even dislike)—for example, on a crowded bus or in the dentist’s chair. In these situations, you make the psychological distance greater by, for example, avoiding eye contact or turning your head in an opposite direction. In the den- tist’s chair, you probably close your eyes to decrease this normally inti- mate distance. If seated to the right of a stranger, you might cross your legs and turn your torso to the left. Expectancy violations theory explains what happens when you in- crease or decrease the distance between yourself and another in an in- terpersonal interaction (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010). The theory assumes that you have expectancies for the distance people are to maintain in their conversations. When these expectancies are violated, you try to explain to yourself why this violation occurred and it brings into focus the nature of your relationship. Perhaps the most interesting conclusion to emerge from this theory is that the meaning you give to the violation will depend on whether or not you like the person. If you like the person who violated your expectancies by, say, standing too close, you’ll like the person even more as a result of this violation— probably because you’ll interpret this added closeness as an indication that the person likes you. If, on the other hand, you do not like the person, you’ll like the person even less as a result of the violation— perhaps because you’ll interpret this added closeness as threatening.

Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research thEoriES AboUt SpACE

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walls and furniture; or a museum, with its imposing columns, glass-encased exhibits, and brass plaques. Even the way a room is furnished exerts influence on us. In a classic study, researchers attempted to determine if the aesthetic conditions of a room would influence the judgments people made in it (Maslow & Mintz, 1956; Mintz, 1956). Three rooms were used: one was beautiful, one average, and one ugly. In the three different rooms, students rated art prints in terms of the fatigue/energy and displeasure/well-being depicted in them. As predicted, the students in the beautiful room rated the prints as more energetic and as displaying well-being; the prints judged in the ugly room were rated as displaying fatigue and displeasure, while those judged in the average room were perceived as somewhere between these two extremes. The way you decorate your private spaces communicates something about who you are. The office with a mahogany desk, bookcases, and oriental rugs communicates importance and status within the organization, just as a metal desk and bare floor communicate a status much farther down in the hierarchy. At home, the cost of your furnishings may communicate your status and wealth, and their coordination may communicate your sense of style. The magazines may communicate your interests. The arrangement of chairs around a television set may reveal how important watching television is. Bookcases lining the walls reveal the importance of reading. In fact, there is probably little in your home that does not send mes- sages to others and that others do not use for making inferences about you. Computers, wide-screen televisions, well-equipped kitchens, and oil paintings of great-grandparents, for example, all say something about the people who own them. Likewise, the absence of certain items will communicate something about you. Consider, for example, what messages you would get from a home in which there was no television, telephone, or books. People also will form opinions about your personality on the basis of room decorations. Research, for example, finds that people will make judgments as to your openness to new experiences (distinctive decorating usually communicates this, as do different types of books and magazines and travel souvenirs) and as to your conscientiousness, emotional sta- bility, degree of extroversion, and agreeableness. Not surpris- ingly, bedrooms prove more revealing than offices (Gosling, Ko, Mannarelli, & Morris, 2002).

Color Communication When you’re in debt, you speak of being “in the red”; when you make a profit, you’re “in the black.” When you’re sad, you’re “blue”; when you’re healthy, you’re “in the pink”; when you’re covetous, you’re “green with envy.” To be a coward is to be “yellow,” and to be inexperienced is to be “green.” When you talk a great deal, you talk “a blue streak”; when you’re angry, you “see red.” As revealed through these timeworn clichés, language abounds in color symbolism. Color communication takes place on many levels. For example, there is some evidence that colors affect us physio- logically. Respiratory movements increase in the presence of red light and decrease in the presence of blue light. Similarly, eye blinks increase in frequency when eyes are exposed to red light and decrease when exposed to blue. This seems consis- tent with our intuitive feelings that blue is more soothing and red more provocative. Color seems also to influence the expectation of taste sen- sation (Srivastava & More, 2011). For example, people expect pink pills to be sweeter than red pills, yellow pills to be salty, white and blue pills to be bitter, and orange pills to be sour.

VIEWPOINTS The “Pygmalion gift” is a gift that is de- signed to change the recipient into what the donor wants that person to become. For example, the parent who gives a child books or science equipment may be asking the child to be a scholar or a scientist. What messages have you recently com- municated in your gift-giving behavior? What messages do you think others have communicated to you by the gifts they gave you?

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Colors vary greatly in their meanings from one culture to another. To illustrate this cultural variation, here are some of the many meanings that popular colors communicate in a variety of different cultures (Dresser, 2005; Dreyfuss, 1971; Hoft, 1995; Singh & Pereira, 2005). As you read this section, you may want to consider your own meanings for these colors and where your meanings came from.

n Red: In China red signifies prosperity and rebirth and is used for festive and joyous occasions. In France and the United Kingdom, red indicates masculinity, in many African countries blas- phemy or death, and in Japan anger and danger. Red ink, especially among Korean Buddhists, is used only to write a person’s name at the time of death or on the anniversary of the person’s death; this can create problems when American teachers use red ink to mark homework.

n Green: In the United States green signifies capitalism, a signal to go ahead, and envy; in Ireland patriotism; among some Native Americans femininity; to the Egyptians fertility and strength; and to the Japanese youth and energy.

n Black: In Thailand black signifies old age, in parts of Malaysia courage, and in much of Europe death.

n White: In Thailand white signifies purity, in many Muslim and Hindu cultures purity and peace, and in Japan and other Asian countries death and mourning.

n Blue: In Iran blue signifies something negative, in Ghana joy; for the Cherokee it signifies defeat, for the Egyptian virtue and truth, and for the Greek national pride.

n Yellow: In China yellow signifies wealth and authority, in the United States caution and cowardice, in Egypt happiness and prosperity, and in many countries throughout the world femininity.

n Purple: In Latin America purple signifies death, in Europe royalty, in Egypt virtue and faith, in Japan grace and nobility, in China barbarism, and in the United States nobility and bravery.

And, of course, colors are often associated with gender, beginning with pink for baby girls and blue for baby boys. Even as adults, women are allowed great choice in clothing color. Men, on the other hand, have a more restricted palette from which to choose.

Clothing and body adornment Clothing serves a variety of functions. It protects you from the weather and, in sports like football, from injury. It helps you conceal parts of your body and so serves a modesty function. In the business world it may communicate your posi- tion within the hierarchy and your willingness and desire to conform to the clothing norms of the organization. It also may communicate your professionalism, which seems to be the rea- son why some organizations favor dress codes (M. H. Smith, 2003). Clothing also serves as a form of cultural display (Morris, 2002). It communicates your cultural and subcultural affili- ations. In the United States, where there are so many different ethnic groups, you regularly see examples of dress that indicate what country the wearers are from. The very poor and the very rich don’t dress in the same way, nor do white- and blue-collar workers or the young and the old (Lurie, 1983). People dress, in part at least, to identify with the groups of which they are or want to be members. At the same time, they dress to manage the impressions they give to others (Frith & Gleeson, 2004; Keating, 2006). For example, you’re

likely to dress conservatively if you’re interviewing for a job at a conser- vative firm, to indicate that you share the values of the firm of which you want to be a part. On the other hand, you’d dress very differently if you were going clubbing at one of the trendy hot spots. You probably make judgments about your college instructors on the ba- sis of the way they dress, especially on the first day. In one study, college students perceived an instructor dressed informally as friendly, fair, enthusi- astic, and flexible, and the same instructor dressed formally as prepared, knowledgeable, and organized (Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989). Percep- tions will naturally vary with the fashions of the time and the expectations of what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate. Today, with websites such as Rate My Professor, students may come into the class with a pretty firm picture

of the instructor, and clothing is likely to prove less important.

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Criticizing with Kindness A close friend is going to an important job interview dressed totally inappropriately and asks, “How do I look?” What are some of the ways of expressing your response that will help your friend with the interview presentation but also bolster your friend’s self-esteem?

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Clothing also seems to influence your own behavior and the behavior of groups. For ex- ample, it has been argued that people who dress casually act more informally (Morand, 1995). Therefore, meetings with such casually dressed people are more likely to involve a freer ex- change of thoughts and ideas, which in turn may stimulate creativity. This casual attire seems to work well in companies that must rely heavily on creative development, such as computer software companies. And many technology companies, like Google, Yahoo, and Apple, encour- age a more informal, casual style of dress. But banks and insurance companies, which tradi- tionally have resisted change, may prefer more formal attire that creates distance between workers as well as between employees and customers. Your jewelry, too, communicates messages about you. Wedding and engagement rings are obvious examples of jewelry designed to communicate very specific messages. College rings and political buttons also communicate specific information. If you wear a Rolex watch or large precious stones, others are likely to infer that you’re rich. Men with earrings will be judged differently from men without earrings. And the number and type of buttons you dis- play on your Facebook page will similarly communicate something about you, your sense of humor, your passions, and your values. Today body piercings are popular, especially among the young. Nose and nipple rings and tongue and belly-button jewelry send a variety of messages. Although people wearing such jewelry may wish to communicate meanings of their own, those interpreting these messages seem to infer that the wearer is communicating an unwillingness to conform to social norms and a willingness to take greater risks than those without such piercings (Forbes, 2001). It’s worth noting that in a study of employers’ perceptions, applicants with eyebrow piercings were rated and ranked significantly lower than those without such piercings (Acor, 2001). In another study, nose-pierced job candidates were given lower scores on measures of credibility, such as character and trust, as well as sociability and hirability (Seiter & Sandry, 2003). Tattoos— temporary or permanent—likewise communicate a variety of messages, often the name of a loved one or some symbol of allegiance or affiliation. Tattoos also communicate to the wear- ers themselves. For example, tattooed students see themselves (and perhaps others do as well) as more adventurous, creative, individualistic, and risk-prone than those without tattoos (Drews, Allison, & Probst, 2000). In addition, tattoos and piercings may communicate such undesirable traits as impulsiveness, unpredictability, and a tendency toward recklessness or violence (Rapsa & Cusack, 1990; M. H. Smith, 2003). Although tattoos and body piercings are becoming more accepted, business experts con- tinue to note the negative effects in terms of getting a job and suggest hiding them during job interviews (Ingegneri, 2008; Varenik, 2010). The way you wear your hair communicates who you are. Your hair may communicate a concern for being up-to-date, a desire to shock, or perhaps a lack of concern for appearances. Men with long hair will generally be judged as less conservative than men with shorter hair.

Scent Smell is a peculiar aspect of nonverbal communication and is discussed in widely differ- ent ways by different writers. Here, because the emphasis is on using scents ( for example, per- fume or cologne), it’s grouped with artifactual communication. But recognize that body odor also communicates, and perhaps that part of smell is best thought of as a form of body commu- nication. You also use smells to make yourself feel better. When the smells are pleasant, you feel better about yourself; when the smells are unpleasant, you feel less good about yourself. In fact, research finds that smells can influence your body’s chemistry, which, in turn, influences your emotional state. For example, the smell of chocolate results in the reduction of theta brain waves, which produces a sense of relaxation and a reduced level of attention (Martin, 1998). Olfactory communication, or olfactics, is extremely important in a wide variety of situ- ations. Scientists estimate that you can smell some 10,000 different odors (Angier, 1995a). There is some evidence, though not conclusive, showing that the smell of lemon contributes to a perception of health; the smells of lavender and eucalyptus seem to increase alertness, and the smell of rose oil seems to reduce blood pressure. Findings such as these have contrib- uted to the growth of aromatherapy and to the profession of aromatherapist (Furlow, 1996). Because humans possess “denser skin concentrations of scent glands than almost any other

VIEWPOINTS A popular defense tactic in sex crimes against women, gay men, and lesbians is to blame the victim by referring to the way the vic- tim was dressed and implying that the victim, by wearing certain clothing, provoked the attack. What do you think of this tactic? Is it likely to be ef- fective? Is it ethical?

For another function of rings, see “The Divorce Ring” at tcbdevito .blogspot.com. If you were divorced, would you wear a divorce ring?

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Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Demonstrating Credibility At work people don’t attribute any credibility to you, although you’re probably as competent as anyone else. You need to increase the nonverbal credibility cues you give off. What nonverbal cues will help you communicate your abilities? How might you begin to integrate these into your own communication?

mammal,” it has been argued that it only remains for us to discover how we use scent to com- municate a wide variety of messages (Furlow, 1996, p. 41). Some of the most important mes-

sages scent seems to communicate involve attraction, taste, memory, and identification. n To attract others. In many animal species the female gives off a scent that draws males, often from far distances, and thus ensures the continu- ation of the species. Humans, too, emit sexual attractants called sex pheromones, body secretions that arouse sexual desire (Kluger, 2008). Humans, of course, supplement pheromones with perfumes, colognes, after-shave lotions, powders, and the like to further enhance attractive- ness and sexuality. And if we can judge from the advertisements and the space devoted to such products, men seem to be catching up with women in the amount and diversity of such products. Women, research finds, pre- fer the scent of men who bear a close genetic similarity to themselves—a finding that may account in part for our attraction to people much like our- selves (Ober, Weitkamp, Cox, Dytch, Kostyu, & Elias, 1997; Wade, 2002).

n To aid taste. Without smell, taste would be severely impaired. For example, it would be extremely difficult to taste the difference between a raw potato and an apple without the sense of smell. Street vendors selling hot dogs, sausages, and similar foods are aided greatly by the smells that stimulate the appetites of passersby.

n To aid memory. Smell is a powerful memory aid; you can often recall situations from months and even years ago when you happen upon a similar smell. One reason smell can so effectively recall a previous situation is that it’s often associated with significant emo- tional experiences (Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 1989; Rubin, Groth, & Goldsmith, 1984).

n To create an image. Smell is often used to create an image or an identity for a product. Advertisers and manufacturers spend millions of dollars each year creating scents for cleaning products and toothpastes, for example. These scents have nothing to do with the products’

cleaning power. Instead, they function solely to help create product images or identities. There also is evidence that we can identify specific significant others by smell. For example, infants find their mothers’ breasts through smell, mothers can identify their newborns solely through smell, and children are able to identify the T-shirts of their brothers and sisters solely on the basis of smell (Angier, 1995a; Porter & Moore, 1981). One researcher goes so far as to advise: “If your man’s odor re- minds you of Dad or your brother, you may want genetic tests before trying to conceive a child” (Furlow, 1996, p. 41).

Temporal Communication The study of temporal communication, known technically as chronemics, concerns the use of time—how you organize it, react to it, and communicate messages through it (Bruneau, 1985, 1990, 2009/2010). Consider, for example, psychological time: the emphasis you place on the past, present, or future. In a past orientation, you have special reverence for the past. You relive old times and regard the old methods as the best. You see events as circular and recurring, so the wisdom of yesterday is applicable also to today and tomorrow. In a present orientation, however, you live in the present: for now, not tomorrow. In a future orientation, you look toward and live for the future. You save today, work hard in college, and deny yourself luxuries be- cause you’re preparing for the future. Before reading more about time, take the self-test, “What’s Your Time?”

VIEWPOINTS As noted in the text, you’re likely to dress differently depending on the situation. But exactly how would you dress: n to interview for a job at a prestigious and conservative law

firm? n to appear friendly but serious as you teach your first class? n to appear as the trendiest partygoer at the trendiest spot in

town?

Take a look at "Nonverbal Communication: Scent" at tcbdevito.blogspot.com for a brief discussion of the connection between scent and memory. Have you ever experienced this?

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The time orientation you develop depends to a great extent on your socioeconomic class and your personal experiences (Gonzalez & Zimbardo, 1985). For example, parents with un- skilled and semiskilled occupations are likely to teach their children a present-orientated fatalism and a belief that enjoying yourself is more important than planning for the future. Parents who are teachers, man- agers, or other professionals tend to teach their children the importance of planning and preparing for the future, along with other strategies for success. In the United States, not surprisingly, future income is positively related to future orientation; the more future oriented you are, the greater your income is likely to be. Different time perspectives also account for much intercultural mis- understanding, as different cultures often teach their members drasti- cally different time orientations. For example, people from some Latin cultures would rather be late for an appointment than end a conversation abruptly or before it has come to a natural end. So the Latin cultures may see an individual’s lateness as a result of politeness. But others may see the lateness as impolite to the person with whom the individual had the appointment (Hall & Hall, 1987). Similarly, the future-oriented person who works for tomorrow’s goals will frequently see the present-oriented person as lazy and poorly motivated for enjoying today and not planning for tomorrow. In turn, the present-oriented person may see those with strong future orienta- tions as obsessed with amassing wealth or rising in status. Not surprisingly, time orientation is heavily influenced by culture. Some cultures—indi- vidualistic cultures in particular—seem to emphasize a future orientation; members work

Interpersonal ChoICe poInt Smelling Your colleague in the next cubicle wears extreme- ly strong cologne that you find horrendous. You can't continue smelling this horrible scent any longer. What choices or options do you have to correct this situation?

For each statement indicate whether the statement is true (T) or false (F) of your general attitude and behavior.

_____ 1. I work hard today basically because of tomorrow’s expected rewards. _____ 2. I enjoy life as it comes. _____ 3. I enjoy planning for tomorrow and the future generally. _____ 4. I avoid looking too far ahead. _____ 5. I’m willing to endure difficulties if there’s a payoff/reward at the end. _____ 6. I frequently put off work to enjoy the moment. _____ 7. I prepare “to do” lists fairly regularly. _____ 8. I am late with assignments at least 25% of the time. _____ 9. I get very disappointed with myself when I’m late with assignments. _____ 10. I look for immediate payoffs/rewards.

how did you do? These questions were designed to raise the issue of present and future time orientation, whether you focus more on the present or more on the future. Future-oriented individuals would respond with T to odd numbered statements (1, 3, 5, 7, 9) and F to even numbered questions (2, 4, 6, 8, 10). Present-oriented individuals would respond in reverse: F for odd numbered statements and T for even numbered statements.

What Will you do? As you read more about time and nonverbal communication generally, consider how these time orientations work for or against you. For example, will your time orientation help you achieve your social and professional goals? If not, what might you do about changing these attitudes and behaviors?

What’s your time?Test Yourself

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hard today for a better future and without much regard for the past, for example. Collectivist cultures, on the other hand, have greater respect for the past; the past is often looked to for guidance for the present. According to some intercultural researchers, many Asian cul- tures ( Japanese and Chinese) place great value on the past; Latinos and Native Americans place more emphasis on the present, and European Americans emphasize the future (Lustig & Koester, 2012). Different time perspectives also account for much intercultural misunderstanding, because different cultures often teach their members drastically different time orientations. The future-oriented person who works for tomorrow’s goals will fre- quently regard the present-oriented person who focuses on enjoying today as lazy and poorly motivated. In turn, the present-oriented person may see those with strong future orientations as obsessed with accumulating wealth or rising in status. Here we look at three types of cultural time: formal and informal time, monochronism and polychronism, and the social clock.

Formal and Informal Time Days are astronomically determined by the earth’s rota- tion on its axis, months by the moon’s movement around the earth, and years by the earth’s rotation around the sun. But the rest of our time divisions are cultural (largely religious) in origin. Formal time divisions in the United States and in most of the world include seconds, min- utes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. Some cultures, however, may use seasons or

phases of the moon to demarcate their most important time periods. In the United States, if your college is on the semester system, your courses are divided into 50- or 75-minute periods that meet two or three times a week for 14-week periods. Eight semesters of 15 or 16 periods per week equal a college education. As these examples illustrate, formal time units are arbitrary. The culture establishes them for convenience. Informal time divisions are more general, more ambiguous, and involve such informal time terms as “forever,” “immediately,” “soon,” “right away,” “as soon as possible.” This type of time communication creates the most problems, because informal terms have different meanings for different people. This is especially true when these terms are used interculturally. For example, what does “late” mean when applied to a com- muter train that is not on time? Apparently, it depends on your culture. In the United States (the New York area specifically), “late” means arriving six minutes or more after the scheduled time; in Britain it means five minutes or more. But in Japan it means one minute. Not only in concepts of lateness but in other respects as well, attitudes toward time vary from one culture to another. In one study, for example, researchers measured the ac- curacy of clocks in six cultures—in Japan, Indonesia, Italy, England, Taiwan, and the United States. Japan had the most accurate and Indonesia had the least accurate clocks. The inves- tigators also measured the speed at which people in these six cultures walked; results showed that the Japanese walked the fastest, the Indonesians the slowest (LeVine & Bartlett, 1984).

Monochronism and Polychronism Another important distinction is that between monochronic and polychronic time orientations (Hall, 1959, 1976; Hall & Hall, 1987). Monochronic people or cultures—such as those of the United States, Germany, Scandinavia, and Switzerland—schedule one thing at a time. In these cultures time is compartmental- ized and there is a time for everything. On the other hand, polychronic people or cultures— such as those of Latin Americans, Mediterranean peoples, and Arabs—schedule multiple things at the same time. Eating, conducting business with several different people, and taking care of family matters all may occur at the same time. It’s interesting to note that social network sites enable you to do (or at least appear to do) more things at one time by enabling you to schedule your tweets or the sending of birthday cards. So, you can be skiing down the slopes at the same time your tweets are posted or your cards are sent.

VIEWPOINTS Informal time terms (e.g., soon, right away, early, in a while, as soon as possible) seem to create communication problems because they’re ambiguous; differ- ent people will often give the terms different meanings. How might you go about reducing or eliminating the ambiguity created by these terms?

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No culture is entirely monochronic or polychronic; rather, these are general tendencies that are found across a large part of the culture. Some cultures combine both time orientations; for example, both orientations are found in Japan and in parts of American culture. Table 6.4 identifies some of the distinctions between these two time orientations. Understanding these culturally different perspectives on time should make intercultural communication a bit easier, especially if these time differences are discussed in a culturally sensitive atmosphere. After all, one view of time is not any more correct than any other. How- ever, like all cultural differences, these different time orientations have consequences. For example, the train crash in Japan might not have happened had it not been for the national obsession with time. And members of future-oriented cultures are more likely to succeed in competitive markets like the United States, but may be viewed negatively by members of cul- tures that stress living in and enjoying the present.

The Social Clock Your culture maintains a social clock—a time schedule for the right time to do various important things, such as starting dating, finishing college, buying your own home, or having a child. The social clock tells you if you’re keeping pace with your peers, are ahead of them, or are falling behind (Greene, 2003; Neugarten, 1979). On the basis of this so- cial clock, which you learned as you grew up, you evaluate your own social and professional development. If you’re keeping pace with the rest of your peers ( for example, you started dating at the “appropriate” age or you’re finishing college at the “appropriate” age), you’ll feel well-adjusted, competent, and a part of the group. If you’re late, you’ll probably experience feelings of dissatisfaction. Although today the social clock is becoming more flexible and more tolerant of deviations from the acceptable timetable than it was in past decades, it still exerts pressure on each of us to keep pace with our peers (Peterson, 1996).

Nonverbal Communication Competence Throughout the discussion of nonverbal communication, you’ve probably deduced a number of suggestions for improving your own nonverbal communication. Here, we bring together some suggestions for both receiving or decoding and sending or encoding nonverbal messages.

The Monochronic-time person The polychronic-time person

Does one thing at a time. Does several things at once.

Treats time schedules and plans very seriously; feels they may be broken only for the most serious of reasons.

Treats time schedules and plans as useful (not sacred) tools; feels they may be broken for a variety of causes.

Considers the job the most important part of life, ahead of even family.

Considers the family and interpersonal relationships more im- portant than the job.

Considers privacy extremely important; seldom borrows or lends to others; works independently.

Is actively involved with others; works in the presence of and with lots of people at the same time.

Monochronic and Polychronic Time

As you read this table, based on Hall and Hall (1987), note the potential for miscommunica- tion that these differences may create when monochronic-time and polychronic-time people interact. Have any of these differences ever created interpersonal misunderstandings for you?

Table 6.4

Even the emotional tone of tweets seems to vary with the time of day. See "Tweets" at tcbdevito.blogspot .com. If you tweet, do you notice differences in emotional tone?

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Perhaps the most general skill that applies to both re- ceiving and sending is to become mindful of nonverbal messages—those of others as well as your own. Observe those whose nonverbal behavior you find particularly effective and those you find ineffective and try to identify exactly what makes one effective and one ineffective. Consider this chapter a brief introduction to a life-long study.

Decoding Nonverbal Messages When you make judgments or draw conclusions about an- other person on the basis of her or his nonverbal messages, consider these suggestions: n When making judgments, mindfully seek alternative judg-

ments. Consider the vast array of choices for, say, interpreting or describing a person’s behavior. Your first judgment choice may be in error, and one good way to test it is to consider al- ternative judgments. When your romantic partner creates a greater than normal distance between you, it may signal an annoyance with you but it can also signal that your partner needs some space to think something out.

n Be tentative. Resist the temptation to draw conclusions from nonverbal behaviors. Instead, develop hypotheses (educated guesses) about what is going on, and test the validity of your hypotheses on the basis of other evidence.

n Notice that messages come from lots of different channels and that reasonably accurate judgments can only be made when multiple channels are taken into consideration. Al- though textbooks (like this one) must present the areas of nonverbal communication sepa- rately, the various elements all work together in actual communication situations.

n Even after you’ve explored the different channels, consider the possibility that you are in- correct. This is especially true when you make a judgment that another person is lying, based on, say, eye avoidance or long pauses. These nonverbal signals may mean lots of things (as well as the possibility of lying).

n Interpret your judgments and conclusions against a cultural context. Consider, for example, if you interpret another’s nonverbal behavior through its meaning in your own culture. So, for ex- ample, if you interpret someone’s “overly close” talking distance as intrusive or pushy because that’s your culture’s interpretation, you may miss the possibility that this distance is simply stan- dard in the other person’s culture, or it’s a way of signaling closeness and friendliness.

n Consider the multitude of factors that can influence the way a person behaves nonverbally. For example, a person’s physical condition or personality or particular situation may all influence a person’s nonverbal communication. A sour stomach may be more influential in unpleasant expressions than any interpersonal factor. A low grade in an exam may make your normally pleasant roommate scowl and grumble. Without knowing these factors, it’s difficult to make an accurate judgment.

encoding Nonverbal Messages In using nonverbal messages whether unconsciously or to express your meanings, consider these suggestions: n Consider your choices for your nonverbal communication just as you do for your verbal

messages. Identify and think mindfully about the choices you have available for communi- cating what you want to communicate.

n Keep your nonverbal messages consistent with your verbal messages; avoid sending verbal messages that say one thing and nonverbal messages that say something else—at least not when you want to be believed.

VIEWPOINTS Research shows that women are per- ceived to be, and in reality are, more skilled at both encoding and decoding nonverbal messages (Briton & Hall, 1995a). Do you notice this in your own interactions? Do these differences give women an advantage in conversation? In negotiation? In conflict resolution? In serving on a jury?

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Monitor your own nonverbal messages with the same care that you monitor your verbal messages. If it’s not appropriate to say “this meal is terrible,” then it’s not appropriate to have a negative expression when you’re asked if you want seconds. Avoid extremes and monotony. Too little nonverbal communication or too much are likely to be responded to negatively. Similarly, always giving the same nonverbal message—say, continually smiling and nodding your head when listening to a friend’s long story—is likely to be seen as insincere. Take the situation into consideration. Effective nonverbal communication is situational; to be effective adapt your nonverbal messages to the specific situation. Nonverbal behavior appropriate to one situation may be totally inappropriate in another. Maintain eye contact with the speaker—whether at a meeting, in the hallway, or on an el- evator; it communicates politeness and says that you are giving the person the consider- ation of your full attention. Eye contact that is too focused and too prolonged is likely to be seen as invasive and impolite. Avoid using certain adaptors in public—for example, combing your hair, picking your teeth, or putting your pinky in your ear; these will be seen as impolite. And, not surpris- ingly, the greater the formality of the situation, the greater the perception of impoliteness is likely to be. So, for example, combing your hair while sitting with two or three friends would probably not be considered impolite (or perhaps only mildly so), but in a classroom or at a company meeting, it would be considered inappropriate. Avoid strong cologne or perfume. While you may enjoy the scent, those around you may find it unpleasant and intrusive. Much like others do not want to hear your cell messages, they probably don’t want to have their sense of smell invaded either. Be careful with touching; it may or may not be considered appropriate or polite depending on the relationship you have with the other person and on the context in which you find yourselves. The best advice to give here is to avoid touching unless it’s part of the culture of the group or organization.

Use your smartphone or tablet device (or log on to mycommunicationlab.com) to hear an audio summary of Chapter 6.

This chapter explored nonverbal communi- cation and identified the varied channels of

nonverbal communication, several functions of nonverbal com- munication that research has focused on, and the influence of culture on nonverbal messages.

Principles of Nonverbal Communication 1. Nonverbal messages interact with verbal messages in six

major ways: to accent, to complement, to contradict, to control, to repeat, and to substitute for each other.

2. Nonverbal messages help manage impressions. It is largely through the nonverbal communications of others that you form impressions of them and through your nonverbals that they draw impressions of you.

3. Nonverbal messages help you form relationships. You communicate affection, support, and love, and also dis- pleasure, anger, and animosity through nonverbal signals.

4. Nonverbal messages structure conversation. When you’re in conversation, you exchange nonverbal signals indicat- ing that you’re ready to speak, to listen, to comment on what the speaker just said.

5. Nonverbal messages can influence and deceive. You can influence (and deceive) others not only through what you say but also through your nonverbal signals.

6. Nonverbal messages are crucial for emotional expression. Although people often explain and reveal emotions ver- bally, nonverbal signals communicate a great part of your emotional experience.

Channels of Nonverbal Communication 7. Nonverbal messages are communicated through a variety

of channels and their meanings will be greatly influenced by culture.

8. Among body gestures are emblems, illustrators, affect dis- plays, regulators, and adaptors.

9. General body appearance (e.g., height, weight, and eye and skin colors) can communicate a person’s power, level of

Summary

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attractiveness, and suitability as a friend or romantic partner.

10. Facial movements express emotions, such as happiness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust/contempt, interest, bewilderment, and determination. Some facial move- ments manage the meanings being communicated by means of intensifying, deintensifying, neutralizing, mask- ing, and simulating.

11. Through eye contact we monitor feedback, maintain interest/attention, signal conversational turns, signal the nature of relationships, signal status, and compensate for physical distance. Through eye avoidance we may give others privacy, signal disinterest, cut off unpleasant stimuli, or heighten other senses. Pupil dilation indicates interest/ arousal and increases attractiveness.

12. Among the meanings touch can communicate are posi- tive affect, playfulness, control, ritual functions, and task- relatedness.

13. Paralanguage cues help people form impressions; identify emotional states; and make judgments of speakers’ credi- bility, intelligence, and objectivity.

14. Silence can communicate varied meanings ( for example, to hurt, to prevent communication, to achieve special ef- fects). The spiral of silence theory offers an interesting per- spective on the influence of silence.

15. The major types of distance that correspond to types of relationships are intimate distance (touching to 18 inches), personal distance (18 inches to 4 feet), social distance (4 to 12 feet), and public distance (12 or more feet).

16. Theories about space include protection theory (you main- tain spatial distance to protect yourself); equilibrium theory

(you regulate distance according to the intimacy level of your relationship); and expectancy violations theory (in- creasing or decreasing the expected distance between yourself and another can send important messages).

17. Your territories may be identified as primary (areas you own), secondary (areas that you occupy regularly), and public (areas open to everyone). Like animals, humans of- ten mark their territories with central, boundary, and ear markers as proof of ownership. Your territory (its appear- ance and the way it’s used) also communicates status.

18. Among the artifactual nonverbal cues are space decoration, color, clothing and body adornment, and the use of scent.

19. Three main time orientations can be distinguished: past, present, and future. These orientations influence a wide vari- ety of behaviors, such as your willingness to plan for the fu- ture, your tendency to party, and even your potential income.

Nonverbal Communication Competence 20. You can increase your nonverbal decoding competence by

mindfully seeking alternative judgments, being tentative, attending to all nonverbal channels, considering being wrong, being sensitive to the cultural context, and consid- ering the vast array of factors that can influence what a person does or says.

21. You can increase your nonverbal encoding competence by considering your choices for communicating, being consis- tent in your messages, monitoring your nonverbal choices, avoiding extremes, being aware of the situation, maintaining eye contact, avoiding adaptors, avoiding strong and poten- tially unpleasant scents, and being cautious about touching.

Key Terms

adaptors, 144 affect displays, 144 artifactual

communication, 159 chronemics, 164 civil inattention, 149 color communication, 161 cultural display, 162 cultural display rules, 147 emblems, 143 equilibrium theory, 160 expectancy violations

theory, 160 eye avoidance, 149

facial feedback hypothesis, 147

formal time, 166 haptics, 151 home field advantage, 159 home territories, 158 illustrators, 143 immediacy, 150 informal time, 166 intimate distance, 157 kinesics, 143 markers, 159 monochronic time

orientation, 166

nonverbal communication, 139

occulesis, 148 olfactory

communication, 163 paralanguage, 153 personal distance, 158 pitch, 153 polychronic time

orientation, 166 protection theory, 160 proxemic distances, 157 proxemics, 157 psychological time, 164

public distance, 158 rate, 153 regulators, 144 silence, 154 social distance, 158 spiral of silence, 156 tactile communication, 151 temporal communication, 164 territorial encroachment, 159 territoriality, 158 touch avoidance, 152 volume, 153

chapter 6 Nonverbal Messages 171

MyCommunicationLab Explorations

Communication Choice Points Revisit the chapter- opening video, “In- viting or Discourag- ing Conversation.” Recall that at first, Kendra is intently studying and doesn’t really have time for her roommate. But

Lori ignores her body language and keeps interrupting, frus- trating both of them. Next, Kendra is trying to study, but doesn’t seem focused. She’s looking for any excuse to be distracted— and she makes this clear through both her words and her actions. “Inviting or Discouraging Conversation” examines how much information is communicated nonverbally through actions, tone, gestures, and even the use of silence.

Log on to mycommunicationlab.com to view the video for this chapter, “Inviting or Discouraging Conversation,” and then answer the related discussion questions.

additional Resources This group of experiences deals with nonverbal messages and pro- vides opportunities to work with these various channels of com- munication.

1 Facial Expressions and 2 Eye Contact focus on the various meanings the face and the eyes communicate. 3 Interper- sonal Interactions and Space and 4 Sitting at the Company Meeting look at the meanings communicated by the way you use space. 5 The Meanings of Color helps sensitize you to the various meanings that different colors communi- cate. 6 Praising and Criticizing looks at how a variety of meanings can be communicated without words. 7 Artifacts and Culture: The Case of Gifts illustrates the vast cultural differ- ences in what is considered appropriate gift giving.