MWHC

  Usually we at EWC examine organization and thesis development, followed by paragraph development, then formatting and grammar. By taking a broad view of your assignment—and by focusing on patterns of issues when looking more narrowly at formatting and grammar—we are able to offer advice that you can apply to not only this assignment, but also to your future assignments. I will be quoting from your paper when necessary, and those will be in red.  My suggestions for revising or tightening will follow in blue. I'll identify sample "fixes," but you'll want to read over the assignment looking for other instances. To save space, I'll be putting everything in single space, but of course you should follow the professor's requirements to format your own assignment. Also, when I give an alternative or a suggested wording for a sentence, I might put what I don’t know or you need to add in () parentheses, like this: According to (source), (Company name) has (how many? Two? Three?) options for securing its intellectual property: (List the options here). In that case, I’m just giving you an example in those of a typical or workable format for that sort of sentence. You will want to modify my suggestions to fit your own assignment and purpose. Keep in mind, I’m going to point out revision opportunities, and it’s up to you to find the places in the paper you can apply the suggestions. For example, I’ll often give you a suggestion how to revise a “topic sentence”—the first sentence in a body paragraph. I’ll help with one particular topic sentence of yours, and you’ll then want to use that example to fix your other paragraph starts. Applying the new information immediately to other parts of your work will really help you learn that for future paper. This is especially important for the grammar/mechanics section. I will point out, for example, a run-on sentence and how to fix that. You should look for other run-ons to fix. Also, I’ll link to helpful handouts and websites that address the grammar issue so that you can get the logic behind the rule. So you might click on those links and read the handouts. Sometimes getting the logical reason for a rule really helps that make sense for the future. Thesis: What is a thesis? The thesis statement is usually the last sentence in the first section, the introduction, and has special importance as it previews for the reader to the main point of your paper. If the reader only got your thesis statement to read, he/she should still know from that what your paper is about, what the paper proves.  That's because the rest of the paper supports, amplifies, explains, and proves that statement. Here's what you have in that position:

The decisions are regarding wages, work hours, working conditions, work safety, and their grievances. This study will mainly focus on the Medstar Washington hospital center and perspective on the issue of labor relations.     Notice I copied two sentences. That’s because I think they work together to form your main point. Let’s try to put them together as one strong thesis sentence: This study will focus the Medstar Washington hospital center’s labor relations issues, including wages, work hours, working conditions, work safety, and employee grievances.   Think of the thesis as a statement of your point. Can the reader read this and know what YOUR point is about the subject?  Imagine that the readers are only going to read that one sentence... what point do you want them to get? Writing Introductions and Thesis Statements | UMGC https://www.UMGC.edu/writingcenter/writingresources/intro.cfm Here is a website with some more information about writing effective thesis statements. I’m not sure exactly what you are supposed to do with the “management view”, but I think maybe you’re supposed to first present the situation as seen through the eyes of management, and then through the eyes of labor. You do a better job with labor. In the management section, you’re actually giving a more objective (outside) view of the situation rather than how the management would put it. Consider moving the justifications and “brags” into this section, and moving the “complaints” to the labor section. For example,  you could have something like: Management View Medstar management would point out that the hospital is (SOMETHING LIKE ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS IN THE REGION). While management would admit there are some problems with labor relations, employees are given a good package of benefits, such as (LIST THE BENEFITS). With a tight labor market, management would say that it is harder to recruit and keep good staff. (MAYBE PRESENT WHAT MANAGEMENT IS TRYING TO DO TO ACHIEVE THAT.)   That’s just an example, but consider that—imagine that the CEO is trying to present the management view of how things aren’t so bad. What information would they highlight and present? Then you’ll be switching to labor view, and after that, you get into the objective reality. But in this section, you can gather the info you have about “what’s going well” from the management perspective. What do you think? This paragraph is unified around the history of the hospital, which is good: This is one of the biggest hospitals in the private sector in Washington. This is a non-profit organization that has a license for nearly 926 beds.  It has also advanced such that it provides teaching services to Georgetown University. The hospital was founded in the year 1998. It is also a leader in heart programs as well as treating cardiovascular diseases. It is also known to have the largest center for cancer.   Let’s make this more accessible by naming the hospital, starting with the history (when founded), and combining some sentences.   Medstar Washington Hospital Center  was founded in the year 1998, and has grown to become one of the biggest hospitals in the private sector in Washington. This is a non-profit organization that has a license for nearly 926 beds.  Medstar is now a leader in heart programs as well as treating cardiovascular diseases, and is known to have the largest center for cancer. It has also advanced such that it provides teaching services to Georgetown University.   That gets the background information out right away in a logical sequence. Try that with your paragraphs: Organize with the information in the order the reader needs to know.   First Sentence in the Paragraph: Where the Meaning Is It can be a great idea to have the first sentence of each paragraph (the "topic sentence") state the point you will make in this paragraph, and also connect to the big picture, say what this has to do with the overall point (the thesis). Let's check that in your own paper: So notice that the paragraph beginning:   The relationship between employees and the employer sets the entire tone of the whole hospital. A negative relationship is likely to hinder the operations of the hospital and vice versa.   You could combine these to have a stronger point, and also, to keep this focused on your specific hospital, use the name, maybe something like: The relationship between employees and the employer sets the entire tone of the whole hospital, so a negative relationship at Medstar Washington Hospital Center is likely to hinder the operations.   Topic sentences at the start of most of your paragraphs can really help both you and the reader mentally organize the material, and make your analysis of the meaning clear. Try that with most of your paragraphs, and see if that helps make your organization of ideas more understandable.   Then look to the end of each paragraph.  What meaning does this have? What does that teach about your overall topic?  Think of a general point you can make about this that comes out of what example or information the paragraph related. See if you can turn the last sentence in most of the paragraphs into your assessment of what this meant.   A typical body or evidence paragraph might be organized like this: Topic sentence stating the paragraph point 2-3 pieces of "evidence" or explanation (like an example, quote, or statistic) 1-2 sentences explaining what that evidence means to your topic That way, you'll make the point, support it, and explain it, and then be ready to move into the next point/paragraph.   Try that organization pattern with your paragraphs, and see if that helps improve the flow! References page: You have good sources there! A good site for all the APA examples is the Purdue OWL site, which is updated frequently as changes are made.   The usual sequence for an APA entry is: Author last name, first initial. (YEAR of publication). Title of source in sentence format. Title of Journal or Newspaper in Italics. Retrieved from URL. For an article without a known author: Title of source in sentence format.  (YEAR of publication). Title of Journal or Newspaper in Italics. Retrieved from URL. For a book: Author last name, first initial. (YEAR of publication). Title of book in sentence format and italics. City/state or country of publisher: Publisher name.   So I'm going to note a couple issues that jump out at me on your References page, and I’ll show you my suggested fixes in a screenprint below:   • First, center "References" at the top of the page. This should be a separate page at the end of the paper. • The list of entries should be in alphabetical order by the first word in the entry (usually the author's last name or the first word of the title). So Avgar is first, and Yun last. I’ll show you below-- • Italicize book, website, and journal titles. (That is, you italicize titles of “big things” like a book or website or magazine, but not titles of “little things” like a single article or song.) If this is a “publishing entity” for an article (the magazine, the website, etc.), it should go right after the article title. The volume, issue, and page numbers are handled like this== International Journal of Contemporary Hospitality Management, 26(3): 349-366.   No words- just numbers. Volume number is in italics, the issue in parentheses, and the page numbers without p. • Also remember to use sentence format for article and book titles (capitalize only those words that would be capped in a sentence), with no quote marks. Book titles are in italics, but article titles are not in italics. Sentence Combining for Greater Meaning A sentence is usually a unit of meaning, with one main idea. However, sentences can be very short (I'll go) without a lot of idea there, or very long (I'll go, but you'll be really sorry when you realize I'm not coming back, because you need me more than you know). And sentences can be combined to make longer sentences. A mix of shorter and longer sentences, single-idea and multi-idea, help with the reading flow of the paper and keep the reader interested. One thing to look for in revision is sentences that don't say much, that can be reduced to part of another sentence.  Imbedding minor information in smaller meaning units (like phrases) can really make sentences more powerful. For example, this set of sentences: There is a very strong disagreement between the Medstar Washington hospital center and its employees. This shows the rot that is in the institution. This is in regards to the wages and hours of operation. These could be reorganized to create a smoother sequence: The strong disagreement between the Medstar Washington hospital center and its employees about the wages and hours of operation shows the rot that is in the institution. See how all the information is in there, but more concise now?  Try that with sentences of your own which are short or don't have a lot of information. See what you think. Here you can find more info on combining sentences.  This is something that lends itself to experimentation, as there are usually several different word orders that will work to get the meaning across, and you can try them all out and choose the one that sounds best to you. Proofreading is a skill we can acquire, and if you’re a good reader (and I can tell you are from your work here), you will probably absorb a lot of the rules of grammar and spelling just from your reading. But the above tips can help too by forcing us to focus not just on the meaning of what’s written, but the form the words and sentences take—the meaning they will convey to the reader. Here are a few fixes: Labour relation is a term that is used in the definition of the process between – (When you define a term, put it in “” or italics to designate you’re using the word as  word to be defined-- Labour relations is a term that is used in the definition of the process between   The hospital industry is a very critical area that relies on the use of labor to provide e efficient services to its patients.   This is true since there are lots of complains since every department has very few staff. (complaints)—Maybe get rid of one “since”? Like: It is true that there are lots of complaints since every department has very few staff.   They boost for having very great doctors, very amazing procedures and this is the reason for very long queues in the facility.  (Should be: They boast of having very great doctors and very amazing procedures, and this is the reason for very long queues in the facility.