Question

Surname 6

TEMITOPE ADELUSI

PROFESSOR SPREWER

06/19/2022

FIRST DRAFT

Are billionaires helping or hurting society?

Whether to have billionaires or not has sparked hot debates among politicians and citizens concerned with inequality and wealth issues. They establish more economic surplus than other entrepreneurs and significantly contribute to society's happiness. Billionaires are immensely helping society; hence need to have more of them to facilitate economic growth through their capitalist skills by their innovation, creativity, and ingenuity. This thesis is confusing and doesn’t respond to the prompt.

Introduction	Excellent	Good	Needs Improvement	Missing/ unsatisfactory
ATTENTION GRABBER/HOOK (OPTIONAL) excellent good needs improvement Is missing Is unrelated to the topic
SUMMARY or BACKGROUND INFORMATION excellent good needs improvement Is missing Missing bibliographic information (if a text is used) Doesn’t identify the topic of the text inaccurately describes the author’s argument Not enough background information about the topic is a seemingly random assortment of facts/ideas instead of a organized, coherent, purposeful providing of information because connections are not made or the ordering of ideas is not logical. Includes irrelevant details Is biased
BRIDGE excellent good needs improvement Is missing Doesn’t accurately name the controversy/ debate/conflict/issue Doesn’t connect summary/background to the thesis The bridge is misplaced. Right now it is the first sentence of the essay. A better summary of the current billionaire problem before the bridge is necessary. See the Introduction template.
THESIS excellent good needs improvement Is missing Doesn’t state the writer’s position on the prompt Doesn’t have multiple supporting reasons Reasons are unclear The reasons are too similar Poorly formatted Improper placement
Comments

The taxes collected help build and develop the society in a society consisting of billionaires. According to( Peck, p. 2,) this is not how we discussed citations. You cannot use a parenthetical before a quote, only after. Also you need to introduce a source fully the first time you use it. I’ve included a handout about citations, read it and revise ALL of your citations because they are all incorrect. billionaires' taxes help people rise to the top level at the bottom. How? In the United States, paying taxes by financial tycoons has ensured social safety. How? These billionaires tend to show the society members the best privilege of ensuring liberty, quality of life, and attainment of social happiness. What are you talking about here? This doesn’t make sense. The best innovations are by billionaires. These innovations help society advance socially and economically. For instance, Bill Gates' innovation has transformed society by changing people's lives from the perspective of computer technology. Likewise, Mark Zuckerberg, the Facebook founder, has changed society by interlinking people worldwide. According to (Peck p. 1,) high taxes on billionaires will help reduce their incentive to grab society's properties. The logic behind these raised taxes is that billionaires tend to fight less to depress weak society members or people's wages since they know that every extra million earned is subject to taxation (Peck p. 1). As a result, society can benefit from enhanced efforts to ensure economic parity and bridge the poor-rich gap. For instance, a high-paid director or human resources manager has less incentive to keep employees' wages low to get a bigger payday. In the United States, the number of billionaires in American societies remained low. However, the slashing of tax rates by the federal government contributed to the explosion of this number, far outpacing inflation. As a result, this growing number of billionaires? in a society will lead to public housing development growth, thereby benefitting the society (Peck p. 2). Society members can afford houses developed by the private sector (billionaire class), thus improving their social welfare.

Body Paragraph	Excellent	Good	Needs Improvement	Unsatisfactory
TOPIC SENTENCE (TS) good needs improvement Is missing Misplaced Missing topic Missing position Missing debatable reason unclear TS TS needs context to further clarify is not included in the thesis
SUPPORT excellent good needs improvement Is missing no source material from the assigned texts is used. not properly introduced/cited (MLA) not contextualized (who said it, why did they say it, what where they talking about when they said it) Too long; summarize the author’s point instead of quoting Too little; doesn’t captures author’s full idea clunky integration; paraphrase instead could more closely support the point made by the topic sentence Multiple pieces of support are used without: ___transition words/phrases between them ___being adequately related to the thesis
DISSCUSSION OF SUPPORT excellent good needs improvement Is missing  the relationship to the topic sentence or other support isn’t adequately explained argument is illogical does not make an argument, meaning it does not work to justify the topic sentence is not in reference to the specific words/ideas in the support speaks generally about the support but does not attempt to analyze, explicate, comment on, illustrate, elucidate, clarify, or interpret it Displays a misinterpretation of the support discussion is too simplistic just repeats the topic sentence is just a paraphrase of the quote
TIE-UP excellent good needs improvement Is missing missing concluding sentence(s) that relate the support to the topic sentence. final thoughts about the topic are not related to the topic of the paragraph just repeats the topic sentence and does not reflect the discussion and evidence in the paragraph.
Comments: This is a very confusing paragraph. I think that’s1) because you don’t have a clear thesis. 2) Because you don’t have a clear thesis, you also don’t have a clear topic sentence, so I’m unclear of your position regarding taxation of billionaires. I think your trying to say that Billionaires help society because the taxes they pay help fund things the society needs (notice how that is a clear, straightforward statement). However, currently, the super-rich are not paying their fair share of taxes. They pay little to no taxes compared to the poor. So, your argument goes against much of the evidence and thus, this statement isn’t true. Also, you make a lot of claims that you don’t explain and offer no evidence of their validity. You can just say things and expect your reader to go along with it. Remember you reader is like me, we are educated people; we know things. So, if you’re going to suggest something that is contrary to what we believe is true, you have to actually prove to us they we are either wrong or that we are missing some information. You have done neither thus far. You could build an argument around the idea in this paragraph that Billionaires drive innovation.

The wealth of billionaires in a society trickle down to the many at the bottom. As a result, the rich people or billionaire class create employment opportunities by setting up industries. I think this is your topic sentence. Notice that it is not debatable because you haven’t included a position. People working in these newly created jobs earn income that remains a crucial driver of the economy. From this perspective, the industries help the society generate tax dollars from the billion-dollar profit (Ayres p. 3). In a study by Oxfam, the findings showed that if the world's billionaires pay 0.5% more in tax, more than 262 million kids could get educated and access care services (Ayres p. 3). As a result, 3.3 million lives would get saved. Notice in the evidence it said “IF” Billionaires currently do not and the government isn’t making any moves toward taxing them more, so you can’t use this as evidence to say that they are helping. This evidence shows the exact opposite. Billionaires in society are crucial inventors and innovators who stimulate socio-economic growth. The community should accept that people have to work and get what they desire in the current era. In any society, one should not expect socialistic ???? institutions such as non-governmental organizations or the government to feed him and provide shelter. There is more than food, and a house needed. Again, these are more unfounded, random statements that don’t work to support your topic sentence. As a result, society needs billionaires to amass the wealth and invest the same so that society members can secure jobs and venture into search and development and innovation under billionaires' financial support.

Body Paragraph	Excellent	Good	Needs Improvement	Unsatisfactory
TOPIC SENTENCE (TS) good needs improvement Is missing Misplaced Missing topic Missing position Missing debatable reason unclear TS TS needs context to further clarify is not included in the thesis
SUPPORT excellent good needs improvement Is missing no source material from the assigned texts is used. not properly introduced/cited (MLA) -some is and some isn’t not contextualized (who said it, why did they say it, what where they talking about when they said it) Too long; summarize the author’s point instead of quoting Too little; doesn’t captures author’s full idea clunky integration; paraphrase instead could more closely support the point made by the topic sentence Multiple pieces of support are used without: ___transition words/phrases between them ___being adequately related to the thesis
DISSCUSSION OF SUPPORT excellent good needs improvement Is missing  the relationship to the topic sentence or other support isn’t adequately explained argument is illogical does not make an argument, meaning it does not work to justify the topic sentence is not in reference to the specific words/ideas in the support speaks generally about the support but does not attempt to analyze, explicate, comment on, illustrate, elucidate, clarify, or interpret it Displays a misinterpretation of the support discussion is too simplistic just repeats the topic sentence is just a paraphrase of the quote
TIE-UP excellent good needs improvement Is missing missing concluding sentence(s) that relate the support to the topic sentence. final thoughts about the topic are not related to the topic of the paragraph just repeats the topic sentence and does not reflect the discussion and evidence in the paragraph.
Comments:

Billionaires promote capitalism in society. This capitalism helps society increase production in a free-market system. I don’t think you have a clear understanding of the term capitalism and how it’s used in this context. Capitalism isn’t generally thought of as a good thing. Maybe you should frame this as Billionaires promote economic growth in a free-market. While it’s related to capitalism, isn’t not the same as saying that they promote capitalism which may be viewed negatively by your reader. Increased production means many production plants owned by billionaires, which have helped employ people in society (Longley p. 1). Also, society's billionaires who control private enterprise, property, and capital utilize economic resources more efficiently than the government. The community benefits from this utilization of resources when the freely-operating market determines the distribution of wealth in a society. This free market plays a crucial role in deciding who profits and who does not (Longley p. 3). Is it a free-market when only a few people control it? Billionaires tend to be private owners of properties, making it easy for society members to borrow and invest money, thus growing the economy. Society can produce quality products at lower costs, courtesy of billionaires who run production means how? Are there any drawbacks to this that should be considered. Since these billionaires believe more in capitalism than socialism, the level of innovation in society remains high, allowing better manufacturing of products at reduced costs. Are you saying that innovation cannot take place outside of a capitalistic society? That isn’t true. Capitalist billionaires discourage state-run care facilities because of their delays and inefficiencies (Longley p. 4) . As a result, these billionaires offer alternatives by setting up private facilities that offer social services to society efficiently and quickly. These capitalism-based industrial advancements accumulate profit for billionaires, which gets invested in increasing productivity and improving society's economy. This is all stuff that you’ve already spoken about in the first two paragraphs. And again, you don’t offer any concrete examples of any of it.

Billionaires make part of the new entrepreneurs class within a society and display the "capitalist skills (innovation, creativity, and ingenuity)" linked with the advanced economies. Suppose the society has almost a third of the mega-rich tycoons in free markets who are "self-made" entrepreneurs. In that case, such a society will benefit from resolved unemployment challenges due to newly established companies that employ locals. Capitalist billionaires promote the natural right of people to control their affairs in society (Longley p. 3). These billionaires believe that it becomes easy for society members to borrow and invest money, thus growing their economy. Socialist billionaires help society by assisting the government in removing economic disparity. These billionaires tightly regulate enterprises and distribute wealth via initiatives whose primary beneficiaries are low-income people. These initiatives include free education and care services, unlike capitalist billionaires who invest in private ownership of enterprises and properties at the expense of the vulnerable population to create economic disparity. This paragraph feels like it came out of nowhere. It is starting to go against the argument you’ve laid out. You have a paragraph right before this speaking about the value of Capitalism, and now you’re suggesting socialism? This isn’t making sense.

However, billionaires hurt society. This position isn’t stated in your thesis. An economic model that allows them to exist in any fair community is immoral what does this mean? Explain in clearer terms. Society members come under the hands of less powerful individuals ??? at the cost of crippling financial hardship unclear. If there are few billionaires, an inequality crisis becomes inevitable since the wealth is under the control of fewer people who accumulate more wealth than other disadvantaged people. As a result, the society members will experience challenges in meeting the essential cost of healthcare, housing, and food (Ayres p.10). Therefore, billionaires represent policy failure in society due to the induced inequality divide among people.

Further, billionaires are primary beneficiaries of an economy characterized by disparity (an unjust economic system). These individuals take the money rather than making it rightfully. Thus, their money does not profit many; hence they end up hurting society. For instance, billionaires from the capitalist class make huge profits by denying employees a living wage and engaging them in exploitative work practices such as unpaid overtime and pay that does not meet the minimum wage laws. Also, billionaires ensure that drug and care costs remain high and lobby for taxation policies that favor their economic interests (Ayres p. 2). As a result, keeping the costs of healthcare high hurts society, whose composition involves a large percentage of low-income households.

This rubric covers the last two paragraphs together.

Body Paragraph	Excellent	Good	Needs Improvement	Unsatisfactory
TOPIC SENTENCE (TS) good needs improvement Is missing Misplaced Missing topic Missing position Missing debatable reason unclear TS TS needs context to further clarify is not included in the thesis
SUPPORT excellent good needs improvement Is missing no source material from the assigned texts is used. irrelevant-support is not logically connected to the topic sentence could more closely support the point made by the topic sentence could include more concrete evidence/examples not properly introduced/cited (MLA) not contextualized (who said it, why did they say it, what where they talking about when they said it) Too long; summarize the author’s point instead of quoting Too little; doesn’t captures author’s full idea clunky integration; paraphrase instead Multiple pieces of support are used without: ___transition words/phrases between them ___being adequately related to the thesis
DISSCUSSION OF SUPPORT excellent good needs improvement Is missing  the relationship to the topic sentence or other support isn’t adequately explained argument is illogical- the discussion is not logically connected to the evidence does not make an argument, meaning it does not work to justify the topic sentence is not in reference to the specific words/ideas in the support speaks generally about the support but does not attempt to analyze, explicate, comment on, illustrate, elucidate, clarify, or interpret it Displays a misinterpretation of the support discussion is too simplistic just repeats the topic sentence is just a paraphrase of the quote
TIE-UP excellent good needs improvement Is missing missing concluding sentence(s) that relate the support to the topic sentence. final thoughts about the topic are not related to the topic of the paragraph just repeats the topic sentence and does not reflect the discussion and evidence in the paragraph. The concluding point cannot logically follow the discussion in the paragraph
Comments: remember my lecture when we discussed essay organization and how the last thing you say is generally believed to be your ultimate feelings on the topic. So if you end on this side of the argument, it will disregard everything else you’ve stated in your essay if you don’t do a good job of creating balance. Oddly enough, though they aren’t fully developed, these last two paragraphs are much clearer and logical than your first three body paragraphs. Maybe you should rethink your position.