fix my essay
jiahang lyu
Teacherscomments.docxName: Jiahang
This is the grade you would receive if you did not make any revisions to your synthesis paper. You have until April 3 to make all the revisions suggested in the rubric and in the comments posted in the text of your essay.
|
Content: 30 points |
|
|
6 |
(10) The student shows thorough understanding of the effects of modern collaboration |
|
6 |
(10) The student shows ability to think critically |
|
6 |
(10) The student seems to have gained new knowledge about globalization through this writing assignment (evidenced by number of citations) |
|
18 |
Score |
|
Effectiveness of writing: 30 points |
|
|
2 |
(3) The introduction catches the reader’s interest |
|
2 |
(3) The introduction appropriately introduces the topic |
|
1 |
(3) The main point of the essay is clear |
|
1 |
(3) The main idea of each paragraph is clear |
|
2 |
(3) All claims are supported with convincing evidence |
|
1 |
(3) The essay concludes effectively |
|
1 |
(3) The essay is well organized |
|
1 |
(3) The ideas in the essay are easy to follow |
|
2 |
(3) The topic is covered thoroughly |
|
2 |
(3) The arguments are logical |
|
15 |
Score |
|
Incorporation of Sources: 10 points |
|
|
1 |
(3) Outside sources are quoted, summarized, or paraphrased appropriately |
|
1 |
(3) Outside sources are integrated into the essay appropriately |
|
1 |
(2) In-text citations are properly formatted |
|
0 |
(2) Reference list is formatted properly |
|
3 |
Score |
|
Sophistication and language: 10 points |
|
|
4 |
(4) The essay contains a mixture of sentence structures (simple, compound, complex) |
|
3 |
(3) The essay contains advanced vocabulary |
|
3 |
(3) Formal writing is used |
|
10 |
Score |
|
Grammar, mechanics, and format: 20 points |
|
|
1 |
(2) There are no major grammatical mistakes that leads to incomprehensibility |
|
2 |
(3) The essay is easy to read because it does not contain many grammatical errors |
|
3 |
(3) There are minimal errors in subject/verb agreement |
|
4 |
(3) There are minimal errors in verb tense form |
|
3 |
(3) There are minimal errors in part of speech |
|
3 |
(3) There are minimal errors in mechanics (capitalization, spelling, paragraph indentation, punctuation, fragmented and run-on sentences) |
|
2 |
(3) The essay is formatted according to standard conventions (title, name, date, etc.) |
|
18 |
Score |
|
64 |
Total |
I believe that you are using the wrong approach when you are writing this essay. It seems like your focus was on using a lot of advanced vocabulary. However, much of the essay did not make sense, as it was groups of beautiful sounding phrases that did not make sense when put together.
When re writing this essay, I would first make an outline of what you want to say. I would write this outline using the simplest English you possibly can, and focusing on making sure your ideas connect clearly to each other. When you actually start to write your essay from this outline, focus on clear and direct topic sentences that either describe your definition of modern collaboration, or clearly indicate what benefit or disadvantage you will be talking about in the paragraph. You should also make sure that each paragraph ends with a direct conclusion sentence that clearly and succinctly summarizes what you have said in the paragraph.
