Identify Self-Care Strategies that Foster Resilience
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TakeCareofYourself.pdf
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CHAPTER 6
Take Care of Yourself
Physical self-care and well-being are founda- tional for many other habits. When your body
is cared for, you’re better able to deal with emotions. Resilient people have a healthy self-perception, are committed to taking care of themselves, and accept themselves more or less as they are.
❧❧
In my third year teaching, I wrote myself a letter that contained the following section:
You will not save the world by working yourself to the bone. You can’t be patient and attentive with kids, and deliver carefully crafted, differentiated lessons, and keenly capture formative assessment observations if you’re con- gested, hungry, achy, weepy, phlegmy, jittery and have burning eyes from sleep deprivation. You won’t be an amazing teacher if you work until you can’t stand up.
Maybe you know this already. It took me a long time to learn. I suspect you know that you’re not your best when your definition of self-care is that you brushed
November: Self-care is the root of resilience when you’re dragging yourself toward winter break and your emotions are raw.
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Onward: Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators, First Edition. Elena Aguilar. © 2018 Elena Aguilar. Published 2018 by Jossey-Bass.
148 Onward
your teeth and changed clothes. You know that you get sick when you’re run down and depleted, and that after a good night’s sleep everything feels easier in your classroom. I’m sure you know that self-care is important.
So why don’t we take better care of ourselves? What would it take to make us do so?
Our bodies and emotions are inextricably intertwined—our physical state creates emotional states; our emotions are affected by our physical state. This whole book is about emotional self-care, but in this chapter, we’ll explore what it’ll take to get us to sleep more, eat well, exercise, and take care of our bodies. If our bodies are strong, rested, nourished, and enjoyed, tending to our emotional selves will be exponentially easier.
Pause and Reflect • What’s your history of self-care? Are you on a trajectory of improvement,
or has it been deteriorating? • Why do you think you don’t take better care of yourself? • What might better self-care look like for you?
When Disillusionment Sets In
For new teachers, the stretch between mid-October and Thanksgiving is the most emotionally challenging phase of the school year. The New Teacher Center (NTC) calls this phase the “disillusionment period,” when the excitement, hope, and adrenaline of the new school year have worn off and winter break seems impossibly distant. Ellen Moir (1990) of the NTC writes, “After six to eight weeks of nonstop work and stress, new teachers enter the disillusionment phase . . . The extensive time commitment, the realization that things are probably not going as smoothly as they want, and low morale contribute to this period of disenchantment. New teachers begin questioning both their commitment and their competence. Many new teachers get sick during this phase.” This phase, as well as the others in a new teacher’s year, is depicted in Figure 6.1.
Furthermore, by November, kids haven’t yet demonstrated their learning in a way that matches our output of energy and effort. We can’t yet see the results of all
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Take Care of Yourself 149
that hard work. This is what makes us say to ourselves, Is it really worth it to work this hard?
November can be a low point for experienced educators as well. Whether I was working as a teacher, coach, or administrator, late October was a hard time for me. I’d been exerting tremendous energy for several months to get the year launched, to build relationships, and to be my best self, and my own self-care had fallen low on my list of priorities.
As we roll into the month of November, what would happen if we devoted time and energy to tending to our physical and emotional needs? What if during this time, teachers supported each other to take walks, eat nutritious lunches, and sleep? Isn’t it worth focusing on our self-care for a month if there’s a chance we could prevent illness, feel happier, and serve children more effectively?
Over the last 20 years, I’ve been on a steadily improving trajectory, but I’m not yet where I want to be in my self-care goals. Perhaps this is why I’ve been obsessed with getting people to take care of themselves. Our schools are bursting with educators who rarely put themselves first. Whether as a teacher in conver- sation with colleagues, as a coach working with clients, or as an administrator managing direct reports, I was faced with this issue again and again. I’ve probably thought about this question—What would it take to get so-and-so to sleep eight hours a night?—more than any when it comes to behavior change. Far too many times, a lack of self-care has surfaced as the root cause for lack of growth for a teacher or leader.
Figure 6.1 Phases of a First-Year Teacher’s Attitude Toward Teaching
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150 Onward
Four Reasons Why We Don’t Take Care of Ourselves
Here’s why I think we don’t take care of ourselves:
1. We’re missing information. Let’s call this a knowledge gap. Sometimes we hear new information (or even something we’ve heard before) about exercise or sleep or kale, and it catapults us into behavior change.
2. We don’t know how. We want to eat better, but where do we start? What exactly do we do? We all have skill gaps of different sizes. Self-care is learned.
3. We don’t really think we need to take care of ourselves. We get by on minimal sleep, we can teach with a cold, and we figure we can rest later. This is a will gap.
4. We don’t feel we deserve to take care of ourselves. We feel that our value is tied to our output and that if we don’t work hard, people won’t respect us, like us, love us, or want us. We don’t say no to anyone; we take on too much work and overcommit. This is an emotional intelligence gap. Valuing yourself and feel- ing that you are worth self-care are core to emotional intelligence.
Gaps tend to coexist, so if you don’t believe you are worthy of experiencing physical well-being (your emotional intelligence gap), you’ll be unlikely to listen to a podcast on how sugar destroys your body. It’s hard to know which gap came first—did an emotional intelligence gap spur a will gap? Or did the will gap come first? It can be useful to reflect on the root gap, but at the same time, it doesn’t really mat- ter which gap came first. What matters is that you start addressing the gaps—and sometimes it’s easiest to start closing whichever one feels easiest.
You are reading this book because you want to be emotionally resilient, right? A healthy, well-rested body is foundational for emotional resilience. In this chap- ter, I’ll focus on addressing will and emotional intelligence gaps around self-care, whereas the workbook offers some support in closing knowledge and skill gaps.
Outside Permission Can Be Motivating
I coached an assistant superintendent whose sleep deprivation wreaked personal and professional havoc on him, and, because he was such a physical and emotional mess, my leadership coaching was going nowhere. After observing his disastrous facilitation of a team meeting, I got tough. I said, “That’s it! I’m going to quit being your coach unless you sleep! You can’t get your team to make thoughtful decisions that impact thousands of kids if you don’t get some sleep, eat breakfast, and drag your clammy face into the sun for 15 minutes a day. Either you sleep or I quit.”
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Take Care of Yourself 151
This administrator trusted me. He knew that I had his best interests at heart. He also wanted me to coach him. His response was, “I respect your opinion and I want to be a better leader, so if you say I should sleep, I’ll sleep.” We wrote a self-care plan, which included SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely) self-care goals, and these moved to the top of his strategic planning documents.
As we created these plans, this leader also talked about his beliefs around hard work. “Growing up, all around me, there were messages around the value of work, warnings about laziness, about the role of men to work hard and provide. Those are in me,” he said. I acknowledged that many of us have wholeheartedly adopted cultural mindsets and values around work and rest. I added that women are often told to care for everyone else before caring for themselves. These messages around sacrifice, hard work, and service have great value in our world—but they also need to be balanced with caring for ourselves. We don’t have to abandon these values; they may just need to be tempered and updated with what we now know about our bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits.
Self-care is not the end of the conversation—it’s the beginning. This assistant superintendent had three other goal areas that directly impacted children in his 25,000-student district, and, that year, he met them all. At the end of June, when I asked him in our final reflection, “To what do you attribute your success this year?” he said, “I slept eight hours a night, ate breakfast, and sat my clammy face in the sun.”
“What convinced you to do that?” I asked. He’d been sleep deprived in this role for several years.
“I needed someone to make it a mandate or maybe give me permission,” he said. “I haven’t yet been able to do this for myself—that’s the next step—so you tell- ing me I had to do it got me started.”
The moral of this story is this: If the Protestant work ethic has you trapped, or if another dominant mindset about who should care for themselves is choking you, get help. Tell a few people whom you trust and respect that they can yell at you. This kind of permission—granted or received—is a scaffold. It’ll help us along this journey of self-discovery and true self-care. Don’t turn down scaffolds; they exist for a reason.
Maybe you’d listen to your doctor telling you that you have to quit smoking or do something about your weight. Maybe you’d listen to your partner tell you to take the day off and get a massage. Maybe you’d listen to your mom or best friend or coach or boss or sister or kid or neighbor or pastor or Oprah tell you to treat your body well. If there’s someone you’d listen to, let that person know. Most likely,
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152 Onward
people who care about you have tried before, but you’ve turned away. Let them know they can try again. Request help in getting started on this project.
When You Are in Self-Care Crisis
Are you reading this chapter now because you’re falling apart and you can’t figure out how to return to the classroom (or office) tomorrow? In Chapter 6 of the work- book, you’ll find an intervention plan that has pulled many educators back from the edge. (It’s called “When You Are in Self-Care Crisis.”) Note that you’ll need to do the things described there every day for a week in order to feel better.
If you know that you really struggle with self-care, it might be worth turning to a mental health professional. This can be an area where deep-rooted issues lie, their origins often from childhood and, sometimes, trauma. You deserve this kind of care.
Implications for Leaders • In the late fall, lighten up on the requests for evening or weekend duties.
Help new teachers prioritize their time. Feed them. Give them refillable water bottles. Hold a staff meeting outside in the sun or even cancel a staff meeting and tell everyone to go home early. Don’t let new teachers go into school on the weekend or launch an after-school program in the fall. You may need to set boundaries for new teachers so that, as they learn the rhythms of the school year, they can focus on their top priorities.
• Your own calendar cycle of energy and emotions might be different than that of a teacher’s. Many principals find April-May to be the most punish- ing season of the year. During this time, they simultaneously finish one school year (including all the testing and celebrations of the season) and launch the next year (and do hiring, budgeting, master schedules, PD plans, and so on). This is also the time of year when, especially in second- ary schools, kids tend to unravel. Plus, you’re exhausted. Prepare for May as you would prepare to climb a mountain and, while climbing, prioritize your own rest.
• If a staff member is in crisis, use the plan in Chapter 6 of the workbook called “When You Are in Self-Care Crisis.” Gently and kindly hold her
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Take Care of Yourself 153
To Hell with Martyrdom
Some of us ignore our own health because of a nebulous and sinister force that we unconsciously create. Read these statements and note how many you’ve said or perhaps heard from a colleague:
• “No one appreciates how hard I work! I’m the first one here and the last to leave every day.”
• “I don’t even see my own kids because I’m so busy taking care of other people’s.” • “Do you see that stack of notebooks on my trolley? That’s what I take home
every night. Who else is going to read 120 journal entries? How else will their writing improve?”
• “I can’t take a day off! My classroom would crumble without me.”
These are the kinds of statements that martyrs make, and, in most schools, there’s at least one person bearing the scars of a savior and pleading for recognition. Many of us have tendencies toward martyrdom—as a new teacher, I did too—but our schools don’t need martyrs. Let’s consider what the martyr complex looks and sounds like, where it comes from, and why it’s destructive.
Examining the Complex
Many educators, at different times in their career, have found themselves on a mar- tyrdom continuum, which contains a range of behaviors and attitudes. It’s useful to
accountable for taking action: Ask her to call her doctor then and there to make an appointment, or to text her partner and say she needs help.
• You may also, at times, insist that a staff member take a sick or personal day. New teachers and perfectionists can have a really hard time giving themselves permission to take a day off. With your experience and per- spective, you may recognize when it’s in the best interest of the students that the teacher steps out for a bit. Relieve the teacher from having to make the decision.
• Make sure all teachers have an Emergency Substitute Folder prepared by week 1 that contains a couple of lesson plans, a seating chart, daily schedules, and the student roster so that on the occasion when he needs to step out and take care of himself, he doesn’t have to go through this logistical process.
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154 Onward
know the indicators of a martyr complex so that you can recognize it in yourself and understand it better in others.
At their most intense, martyrs are righteous and self-sacrificing. They don’t set personal boundaries or say no to anything, and they can emotionally manipu- late others into doing what they want. Work comes before everything, and every- one else’s needs are put above their own. Martyrs also have an obsessive need to be right. They evade guilt and taking responsibility, and blame others for their misfor- tunes, disappointments, and turmoil.
Martyrs frequently talk about how hard things are, find lots of problems to complain about, and want others to know how underappreciated they are. Mar- tyrs exaggerate suffering, hardship, and mistreatment; they expect admiration and heaps of sympathy. Publicly, martyrs actively seek appreciation, recognition, and attention for their efforts, sometimes creating drama in an effort to generate them; privately, martyrs take some pleasure in the suffering. It affirms some aspect of their self.
This is a depressing depiction, isn’t it? It hurts to think that you would ever be among such a despicable bunch—but, perhaps, sometimes you play the martyr card. I’ve played it when I’ve been blind to my fears, frustrations, or insecurities, or when I’ve simply been too exhausted to think clearly. I’ve also played it when I was angry at others, as a way to make myself look better and indirectly to put them down. Ultimately, acting this way didn’t get me what I wanted; it didn’t compel others to work hard or help me, or to appreciate my contributions. It made people distance themselves from me.
You need to get real with yourself and determine where you are on the con- tinuum. If you only dabble in martyrdom, work to shift those behaviors. Seek to understand the underlying emotions of fear, anger, and sadness. Ask someone you trust to call you on it when they see you playing the martyr. If you have fully donned the martyr’s cape and have the scars to prove it, then you probably need outside help. Committed martyrdom probably has its roots in your childhood and has to do with your sense of self-worth. It can also be tangled up with perfection- ism, which we’ll explore later in this chapter. Seek help from a mental health profes- sional to explore the origins of this tendency.
Recognizing the Dangers
Implicit in a martyr complex can be a deficit mindset about students and their communities—that the children and parents can’t and haven’t helped themselves, so they need an outside savior. I’ve encountered this mindset in school reform or
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Take Care of Yourself 155
transformation efforts in which teachers, thinking they are revolutionary, enter a community with big goals and inspiring slogans intent on saving kids (who are of- ten black or brown and from low-income communities) from the ravages of inequi- ties. Be careful—martyrdom can converge with racism and classism.
Martyrs can also undermine the health of a staff community. A martyr, by definition, thinks that he or she is in some divine way superior to others. Martyrs make this known to colleagues by detailing their sacrifices and suffering, and hold- ing their own actions as exemplars.
Martyrdom is also problematic because it kills you, and usually pretty fast. You may have internalized some messages about suffering (there are institutions and mindsets that promote such ideology), but it’s usually optional. Teachers can do amazing work and transform the lives of kids and also have their own families and hobbies and eight hours of sleep every night.
If we’re not supposed to dance, Why all this music?
Gregory Orr
Acknowledging Origins
Martyrdom is complicated. The reality is that it’s unproductive and often ugly, but it can also feel seductive, particularly to new teachers. There are good reasons why some of us are tempted to compete for a spot among famous educator saviors— they are heralded, and movies are made about them. Who didn’t choke up watching Stand and Deliver, Dead Poets Society, Freedom Writers, or Dangerous Minds? What new teacher doesn’t think, I want to be like Jaime Escalante or Ellen Gruwell and enlighten my “at-risk” kids and save them from gangs? But these movies contribute to the problem of the martyr complex by deifying educators who see their students as victims to be saved and who get sick and burned out trying to save them.
For those of us who have found ourselves fantasizing about being Jaime Es- calante, I acknowledge that educators have few praiseworthy role models (and if you’re a person of color, even fewer). When you’re a new teacher, it’s hard to figure out whom to emulate, especially if you’ve got a fire in your belly to make the world better. Furthermore, teachers are seriously underappreciated in all ways, including financial compensation. The lack of acknowledgment and even empathy for the work that teachers do exacerbates this whole martyr thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting recognition; but needing to be recognized and making a martyr out of yourself are two different things, and martyrdom is deadly.
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156 Onward
Even though we can find a martyr or two in most schools, we can also find their antitheses—healthy, effective, humble teachers—working in classrooms. They are grading papers at school so they don’t have to take them home, getting help from students to organize the classroom, taking a moment of quiet during lunch, and facilitating productive and often (but not always!) exciting classes. The best role models might not be the most charismatic or the busiest or the ones who stay at school the longest. But they do exist. Seek them out—those who live balanced lives and do great work with kids.
If you have come here to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come here because your liberation is bound up
with mine, then let us work together. Lilla Watson, Indigenous Australian artist,
activist, and academic
Seeking Antidotes
We need to shift our mental models of what it takes to transform schools, and redefine what it means to be an educator. Our kids need teachers who sleep eight hours a night and walk every day and eat dinner with their families—and they need teachers who are highly skilled at their craft and who make good on the promise of education for all. And principals: Teachers need leaders who do the same.
If you have tendencies toward martyrdom, try these tactics for change:
• Find role models in your schools and communities. Talk to veteran teachers and ask, “Whom do you know who does great work with kids in our school/district and who lives a balanced life?”
• Look at things through a strengths-based lens: What works in this community? • Cultivate a vision for your life that’s holistic—one that includes self-care, per-
sonal growth, adventure, and celebration. • Consider working with a therapist to explore the underlying emotions.
New teachers, I know you got into this work because you want to contribute to the lives of young people. It might take a while to see evidence of your contribu- tion. Be patient. Yes, you should see growth in student learning within a couple of months or even days, if you know how to look. Doing daily formative assessment will help you see how your kids are progressing. But transformational change takes longer to show its face.
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Take Care of Yourself 157
In my journey as an educator, some of the most meaningful evidence of student learning took 10 or 15 years to materialize and showed up as a Facebook message from a former student. Dear new teacher, you may not believe me now—especially if you’re in the midst of a grueling first year—but I will tell you, there has been nothing in my professional life that’s been as rewarding as those messages that retroactively obliterated the exhaustion of teaching. If when I was a novice in the classroom I had known that this affirmation would one day come, I may have worked differently, less anxiously. I may not have lamented the lack of appreciation from my principal or society at large. I would not have wondered, Is this really worth it?
Work hard. Learn your craft. Connect with kids. But don’t ask for, seek, or demand appreciation. Ask for feedback and stay committed to your learning, and you will learn and grow and have meaningful impact on kids.
Implications for Leaders • Martyrs can undermine the health of a staff community. If you have self-
righteous teachers among your ranks, do what you can to address their behavior and minimize their impact.
• Leaders can contribute to the martyrdom syndrome if they pick the “hardest-working” teacher to lead the new initiative and don’t ask for more from the teacher who clocks out when the last bell rings. Don’t per- petuate martyrdom by rewarding it with attention and accolades.
• Recognize and acknowledge the teachers who live a balanced life and do good work. Highlight self-care. Commend teachers for doing strong, solid work and for meeting their personal and familial commitments.
• Make sure you model balance and self-care.
What Your Body Desperately Needs
We all have knowledge gaps. And we all forget. Let’s review what the body we live in needs from us. I’ll try to make it fast and fun.
Sleep: The Magic Resilience Booster
Sleep deprivation is a torture technique because it erodes your mental and emo- tional stability. If you’re feeling really off balance in the self-care domain, if you’re
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158 Onward
in crisis, if you’re wondering where to start—begin with prioritizing sleep. Here’s what happens to your brain and body when you sleep:
• Your brain creates and consolidates memories and organizes thoughts. If you sleep well the night before a conference, your brain prepares to form memories. If you sleep well after, your brain cements in the new information.
• Your brain makes creative connections, remote associations, and unusual con- nections, which can lead to a major aha! moment upon waking. There’s science and truth in the old adage, “Sleep on it.”
• Your brain processes information, prepares for action, and makes decisions. • Your brain is cleaned up. Toxic molecules flush out of your body systems, in-
cluding out of your brain. Researchers connect lack of sleep with the plaque that builds up in the brains of people with Alzheimer’s.
• Your brain remembers how to perform physical tasks. Short-term memories, stored in the motor cortex, move into the temporal lobe, where they become long-term memories.
• Your hunger hormones regulate themselves. • Your body rests and recuperates because normal physiological processes slow
way down. Your intestines rest. Your liver detoxifies more efficiently. Your mus- cles grow.
In study after study, the findings are the same: Sleep is correlated to improved psychological health. “Sleep is the most underrated health habit,” says Dr. Michael Roizen (Huffington, 2014, p. 74). Sleep more, and your resilience will almost magi- cally be boosted—and most of us actually enjoy it (unlike feelings about exercis- ing). The workbook offers specific pointers on improving your sleep.
If you’re not convinced that you need more sleep, or it feels too hard to get the full amount right now, see what happens if you get to bed just 30 minutes earlier for one week. How does that extra sleep make you feel during the day? What’s the impact on your teaching?
There’s one caveat to my insistence on sleep, which is that sleeping a lot can also be a symptom of depression. If you sleep a lot but don’t feel the way you want, see the section “When to Call the Doctor” in Chapter 2 or use the self-assessment tool in Appendix D.
Nutrition: You Are What You Eat
I’m going to keep this short, because I suspect you know this and will tune me out if I get on my soapbox and deliver a long rant about healthy eating, so here’s what I
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Take Care of Yourself 159
want to remind you of: What you eat affects your health and mood. There is a pile of research that would stretch from here to the moon on the connection between diet and our physical and mental health. The average Western diet mainly comprises processed foods that are devoid of the nutrients needed for a healthy body and brain. Our bodies need a whole-foods diet that contains the full range of vitamins, minerals, essential fatty acids, amino acids, enzymes, and good bacteria. If you find yourself tired and draggy every afternoon, and you get depressed and think you want to quit teaching, and you’re impatient and snappy with kids—look at what you eat for lunch. There might be a connection.
If you weren’t raised by a health food nut in the 1970s or you’ve been dealing with back pain for a decade or you’d like to reduce or get off antidepressants, please see Appendix F and do more learning. The workbook also offers some more tips and information on healthy eating. If you’re feeding your body crap or not giving it what it needs, you’re going to find it almost impossible to figure out which aspect of your emotional distress comes from how you fuel your body, and which is from circumstances and thoughts. Resilient people have resilient bodies, bodies that are fed every day with nutritious food.
Exercise: Put on Your Shoes and Take a Walk
Solvitur ambulando—It is solved by walking. Diogenes, fourth century bce Greek philosopher
To become more resilient, we need to build new neural pathways. We need to integrate new ways of thinking about and responding to events in our brains; we need to change behaviors and dislodge mindsets that don’t serve us. To create new neural pathways so as to change your mind, you need to move: Physical movement brings blood to your brain; blood provides glucose for energy, and oxygen to soak up the toxic electrons; and blood stimulates the protein that helps neurons connect (Medina, 2008).
Implications for Leaders • If you have a tendency to send 3:00 a.m. emails, you need to stop. You
need to sleep. And your staff will benefit from the message that no one should be working at 3:00 a.m. Cultures that normalize and reward work- ing all night must change; they’re not doing anyone any good.
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160 Onward
The human brain developed during an evolutionary period when our an- cient ancestors walked about 12 miles a day. According to paleoanthropologists, our unique cognitive skills developed under the conditions where motion was a constant presence (Medina, 2008). Few of us now walk 12 miles a day. Yet it is clear that we still need to exercise to be our most resilient selves.
I probably don’t need to tell you that exercise is good for your heart and bones and lungs and just about every single cell in the organism that you are. I probably don’t need to tell you that it’ll boost your mood and energy. I just want to remind you, because we forget, don’t we? The following movement-related facts often get me out of my chair, so perhaps they’ll be useful reminders for you, too:
• Whether or not you move is one of the greatest predictors of how well you will age. What’s your vision of yourself at age 78?
• Exercise improves long-term memory, reasoning, attention, and problem solv- ing. This is why kids need recess a couple times a day.
• The risk of Alzheimer’s, heart disease, and cancer is slashed in people who exer- cise for 30 minutes a few times a week.
• Exercise regulates the neurotransmitters that govern our mental health. Almost every doctor or psychiatrist will prescribe exercise for depression.
• Cognitive performance can be measurably boosted through cardiovascular ex- ercise in as little as four weeks.
• It doesn’t take a lot of exercise to reap the physical and mental benefits. Walking a few times a week is very beneficial, and if you can get aerobic exercise two or three times a week, you’re doing great.
Movement: Your brain needs it, your physical body needs it, and your emo- tions need it too. Find something you like to do, enlist a friend to join you, change things up so that you don’t get bored, and just do it. Dance, box, climb rocks, do yoga or Pilates, hike, swim, bike, go to Jazzercise, do Zumba, or just walk. Now go! Put on your shoes and take a 20-minute walk, and you will be more likely to remember what you’re reading! Go!
Sex, Forest Bathing, and Other Fun Stuff
Folks I’m telling you, Birthing is hard and dying is mean—
So get yourself a little Loving in between
Langston Hughes
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Take Care of Yourself 161
Aside from attending to our body’s basic functions, there are so many ways that we can enjoy this body we’re in as well as take care of it. Let’s consider some of these.
Get It On Human beings are social creatures, and we need interaction with people our own age—not just with the 130 high school sophomores with whom we spend our days. But sometimes we forget this, don’t we? So let me remind you: You need friends, confidants, relatives, and lovers. You need emotional and physical intimacy. I’ve worked with many brilliant educators who put cultivating relationships low on their list of things for which to carve out time.
Would a smattering of science convince you to tumble in the hay? Entertain your intellect with a few facts about the physiological benefits of a healthy sex life. Sex can
• Lower your blood pressure • Help balance your estrogen and testosterone levels, which can help prevent os-
teoporosis and heart disease • Boost your immune system (see research done at Wilkes University in Pennsyl-
vania if you’re really interested) • Induce relaxation and improve sleep • Increase your heart rate, engage muscles that you don’t use in the classroom,
and burn more calories than watching TV • Stimulate bonding between people (oxytocin, the “love hormone,” is released
during sex)
That’s enough science—just know that sex is good for you (with or without a partner). And, by the way, you have permission to enjoy your body. You have a right to pleasure. You deserve it.
One last thing: Although sex has unique physical and emotional health ben- efits, hugs and touch can also be therapeutic and healing. In The How of Happiness, professor Sonja Lyubomirsky (2007) cites a study in which people assigned to give or receive hugs five times a day ended up much happier than their nonhugging counterparts in the study. But you know this is true, right? I doubt you need the studies about which neurotransmitter does what when someone you care about grabs you in a bear hug or even just holds your hand. So do it!
Let’s consider some additional fun and easy ways to take care of your body that also have physiological benefits.
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162 Onward
Spend Time in Trees Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are
beginning to find out that going to the mountains is going home. Wilderness is a necessity.
John Muir
In Japan, there is a practice called Shinrin-yoku, which translates as “forest bath- ing” and is considered a form of preventive health care and healing. We all most likely know and agree that being in nature makes us feel good, and Japanese researchers have produced a robust body of literature on the physical and mental health benefits of soaking up the sights, smells, and sounds of the natural world. In Japan, forest bathing is considered a medical practice and is even covered by insurance.
Here’s what scientific studies have found about the benefits of forest bathing:
• Many trees give off organic compounds that support natural killer cells that boost our immune system and help fight cancer.
• Many plants also give off substances called phytoncides, which are antimicro- bial organic compounds. Breathing these substances promotes relaxation.
• Being in the forest lowers blood pressure and the stress hormone cortisol. • Forest bathing improves mood, energy, sleep, and the ability to focus.
Forest bathing differs from hiking because it centers on the therapeutic aspects of being in nature. The goal is not exercise or reaching a destination. To practice Shinrin-yoku, go to a forest. Walk slowly. Breathe. Open all your senses. That’s it.
Sit near Water Sit by a stream, splash in a lake, gaze at the ocean, or dive into an underground spring—there’s science behind the therapeutic benefits of being in and near wa- ter. An entertaining read on this subject is Blue Mind: The Surprising Science That Shows How Being Near, in, on, or Under Water Can Make You Happier, Healthier, More Connected, and Better at What You Do, by marine biologist Wallace J. Nichols (2014). According to Nichols, water gives the brain a rest from overstimulation, induces a meditative state, evokes feelings of connection to something beyond our- selves, and spurs creativity—just think about how many great ideas you’ve had in the shower.
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Take Care of Yourself 163
The ocean (and waterfalls and thunderstorms) also emit high levels of nega- tive ions—and we need those! The atmosphere we breathe is full of positive and negative ions, but most of us spend our time indoors. Air conditioning and poor ventilation remove negative ions, which can make us feel low energy, sleepy, and even depressed. You feel more energized at the beach because of the negative ions. When you can’t be near naturally running water, just open the windows, go outside whenever you can, and even consider an air purifier (which emits nega- tive ions).
Immerse Yourself in a Flotation Tank For a unique mind and body therapeutic experience, float in a sensory depriva- tion tank. By diminishing nearly all sights, sounds, smells, and touch, your mind can settle, sparking creativity, relaxation, and even emotional breakthroughs. Floaters not only claim relief from insomnia, pain, and anxiety but also use this therapy as a way to hone their mental concentration. Golden State Warrior’s MVP Steph Curry is an avid floater and credits it with his ability to be calm and focused on the court. If you’re really curious, there’s even scientific research on the therapeutic impact (just Google it). Obviously, floating is not for the claus- trophobic, but don’t let the weirdness of it deter you from trying it—it’s surpris- ingly fun.
Get Your 15 Minutes of Sun Our bodies need direct sunlight several times a week in order to get vitamin D, and many of us are vitamin D deficient. Numerous studies have shown that optimizing your vitamin D level may help prevent different types of cancer. The best way to get more vitamin D is through sunscreen-free exposure to the sun. Aim for 15–30 minutes a few times a week, and try to get midday sun.
In the winter, it’s even more important to get sunlight. Our bodies are gov- erned by circadian rhythms, our body’s natural clock that regulates important functions, including sleep/wake cycles and mood. Shorter days and less sun- shine affect these rhythms. An estimated 20% of Americans experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD) each winter (Psychology Today, 2017). When you’re in the sun, your body releases serotonin, which helps elevate your mood and energy. Knowing this information about sunlight might help alleviate the an- noyance of doing yard duty. Perhaps you could eat lunch outside once or twice a week, take a walk before school, or greet kids as they arrive at school in the morning.
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164 Onward
Put Your Feet on the Earth Have you noticed that you feel better when walking barefoot on the earth? Recent research explains that our immune system functions optimally when our body has an adequate supply of electrons, which we get through barefoot contact with the earth (Mercola, 2012).
You can reap these same benefits from other forms of direct contact with the ground: Walking on the beach, sitting in a park, or lying in the grass, as long as there isn’t anything between your body and the earth. There’s growing evidence that this kind of connective contact is beneficial for our health, and, in any case, it’s a nice way to be outside. You meet your sunlight requirements, and, if you do it sur- rounded by trees, you can soak in that goodness too. So try it! Spend 10 minutes a few times a week sitting on the earth; tell yourself, This is a boost to my physical and mental well-being, and see if you don’t feel better.
Learn to Say No
Saying no is liberating. No, I can’t attend the social hour. No, I can’t join that commit- tee. No, I can’t take the kids to the park tomorrow. What would you like to say no to right now? Saying no means saying yes to something else. If you say, No, I can’t join that committee, you might be able to say yes to an hour of walking in the sun twice a month during the time when the committee meets. What do you wish you could say yes to right now?
If you have a hard time saying no to people, you most likely have a problem with overcommitting. And then what happens? As the event or obligation ap- proaches, you berate yourself for having made the commitment, you fantasize about ways to back out of it, or make up excuses and cancel; or you show up with an aura of resentment and unhappiness about you, or force a smile and push yourself through it, all the while feeling tired and aware that you’re denying your- self whatever it was that you really wanted to be doing. You tell yourself, I never should have said yes to this—I knew I would be too tired, or I knew I didn’t really want to do it.
So why did you say yes? Why do you overcommit? The answers to these questions most likely lie in your sense of self-worth. You say yes because you want people to like you. You say yes because you want people to think you are good or smart or skilled or capable. You say yes because you want to be wanted. You say yes because you’re afraid that if you say no, they won’t ask again. They won’t be
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Take Care of Yourself 165
your friend. They won’t want you in their school. They won’t love you. You say yes because you’re afraid.
But here’s what you may or may not know. First, when you say yes to some- thing you don’t really want to do and then you show up, other people sense that— consciously or unconsciously, they can know that you don’t want to be there. That’s not really fair to them, either. Do things, give of your time and energy, because you want to and because you can—not because you feel obligated.
When you say yes to something because you’re afraid, the fear won’t go away. It’ll bubble noxiously under the surface, and you’ll still be obligated to fulfill your commitment, because it’s really not fair to agree to something and then back out. Take responsibility for the choices you’ve made, learn from them, and make differ- ent choices in the future.
When you say no, you’re likely to let some people down. You may disappoint them. Learn how to say no kindly and thoughtfully. Maybe they’ll say, “I’m hurt that you won’t be there,” and you can hear that, acknowledge it, and live with it. You may feel sad, but you can also recognize that you need to take care of yourself; and in that moment, that’s the cost of doing so. Let others deal with their emotional response.
When you say no, some people might get angry. Don’t get freaked out by an- ger, and don’t be the recipient of people’s aggression. Get away from them if they get angry. There’s a difference between disappointment and hurt, and anger. You don’t deserve it.
When you start saying no, when you draw boundaries around what you will give and do for others, you’re likely to gain insight into whom you should have in your life. Toxic relationships will come into focus. You’ll gain clarity on whom you need to compassionately remove from your life so that you’ll have more space for yourself, for your well-being, for your happiness. Your resilience will always be un- dermined if you have energy vampires clinging to your neck.
You are not a victim in this scenario; you can detach those vampires and set them free by saying no. As you clear away people who want things from you but may not truly care for you, you’ll find you have more space in your life for the people who can appreciate you for who you are, who accept you as you are, who will say no to you when they need to, and who take care of themselves.
At its root, your struggle to say no has to do with your sense of self-worth. The resilient have a herculean sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-regard. There’s no getting around this on the path to becoming resilient, which is why there are so many points in this book where I suggest working with a therapist. The origins of
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166 Onward
our lack of resilience are often deep in our childhoods. Reading this book, engaging in the workbook exercises, talking about this with colleagues, and working with a coach are all significant steps toward well-being, but they may not be enough to live the kind of life that deep down you know you want to live.
Here’s the most powerful way to figure out how to respond to a request. Ask yourself, What do I want to do? Keep asking yourself this question over and over as you contemplate the rest of the mental chatter that rattles through your mind. Sort through feelings of obligation, fear of not being wanted, fear of disappointing others, fear of someone else’s anger, and keep asking yourself, What do I want to do? It may take time, and at first your response might be a barely audible whisper, but keep asking the question and listen carefully. Then act on what you hear.
A Dive into Perfectionism
At the heart of perfectionism is a belief that, in order to be loved and accepted, we must strive to act and be the best all the time. Our very worth as a human being is tied to our perfection. The pursuit of perfection consumes a great deal of time and energy because every time we feel shame, blame, or criticism, our response is, I wasn’t perfect enough. So let me be more perfect next time. And this goal, remember, is not possible.
Perfectionists
• Get upset when someone else or life in general doesn’t measure up to how they think things “should” be
• Have uncompromising rules about how things should or must be • Blame themselves and others for things that aren’t under their control or the
control of others • Think in black-and-white terms • Quickly discount positives • Are relentlessly hard on others and on themselves and hold rigidly high and
unrealistic standards • Use the word should a lot • Claim they’re “not a perfectionist”—they just have high standards
Perfectionism may not actually be an emotion but, rather, a dysfunctional emotional tendency. It is one of the most challenging emotional tendencies to con- front, but, left unchecked, it can be corrosive. If you are a new teacher and you
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Take Care of Yourself 167
know you’re a perfectionist, or you sense the potential to become one, it’s worth it to dig out the emotional roots of this trait now rather than live under its rule for years. Perfectionism has been associated with increased stress, physical health problems, mental health issues, and a high risk of burnout. It will eat through your resilience the way a colony of termites can churn through wood.
Here is why perfectionism is so dangerous: There is no such thing as perfect, at least among humans. It is inherent to our condition that we make mistakes, and without mistakes, we would have little chance to learn or grow or adapt to new situ- ations. Perfection would obstruct evolution. So perfectionists are always striving for the impossible, and when they inevitably fail, they experience a surge of difficult emotions—shame, inadequacy, fear, anger. These hurt the perfectionists as well as those around them.
Perfectionism shouldn’t be confused with a commitment to excellence and a strong work ethic. You can have tremendous energy, conscientiousness, and per- sistence and not be a perfectionist. Perfectionism is about seeking external valida- tion, whereas healthy striving is all about internal drive. A healthy striver has high expectations and commits to a task while also making mistakes and knowing that those mistakes don’t indicate a personal flaw. A perfectionist’s sense of self-worth is overly tied to external praise and accomplishments.
Brené Brown is one of the world’s experts on perfectionism. She says that shame gives birth to perfectionism. Perfectionism isn’t healthy striving, says Brown; it’s not Let me be my best self. It is a thought process that says, If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do it all perfectly, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, judgment, and criticism. Perfectionism is not a protective shield; rather, it stops someone from being seen. Brown’s TED Talk, books, and speeches are powerful resources if you want to better understand this characteristic in your- self and others.
The core of authenticity is the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and to set boundaries.
Brené Brown
What Can I Do If I Suspect I’m a Perfectionist?
First, get real with yourself. Write a list of problems that perfectionism causes in your life. How does it consume your time and energy? How does it get in the way of forming healthy relationships? What’s the impact on your physical health and well-being? How does it hold you back from doing things you want to do? Find
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168 Onward
someone you trust. Ask, “Do you think I’m a perfectionist? How do you think this has affected me?”
Then make a list of what might be possible if you curtailed your perfectionist tendencies. What could you do in your life? How might you feel? What would your job be like if you cast out these termites?
Commit to exploring and uprooting the origins of your perfectionism; oth- erwise, like unwanted weeds, they will regrow. Depending on how pervasive your perfectionism is and how deep the roots go, you may need to get help from a mental health professional. Perfectionism is about self-worth, and many perfectionists had childhood experiences that led them to doubt their self-worth.
While you’re exploring your perfectionist roots, begin making behavioral changes. Set time limits for yourself for tasks like writing emails or grading papers, and, when the timer goes off, obey it. Set a time for leaving school and don’t devi- ate. Notice your self-talk, and substitute unhelpful self-talk with new language. Say to yourself:
• This is good enough, and good enough is great. • I am enough. I do enough.
And, finally, if you think you might be a perfectionist or you want to rid yourself of any perfectionist tendencies, just do everything I’m telling you to do in this book! Get to know yourself, understand your emotions, tell empowering stories, build com- munity, practice mindfulness, sleep and walk, cultivate compassion, and so on.
Implications for Leaders • Perfectionism can complicate martyrdom further and make it even more
problematic. Because perfectionists are very effective at what they do, the martyrdom-perfectionism combination depletes resilience and results in burnout. But martyrdom can also be a shield from accountability and ex- pectations that the martyr improve his or her teaching practice. In these cases, martyrdom and mediocrity can go hand in hand, and sometimes to get to the hard conversation around the need to improve, you have to slash through layers of martyrdom.
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Take Care of Yourself 169
Disposition: Positive Self-Perception
If you want to bounce back quickly after setbacks, if you want to be resilient, you must place high value on the bouncy object: Your self. When you value your mind, heart, body, and spirit, you’ll make choices that foster your resilience; you’ll do whatever it takes to bounce back. The self-care habits in this chapter can help you cultivate healthy self-esteem, which starts at the most fundamental level of your physical existence. You must value your body to value your emotional self and your mind. This, say the researchers, is a key trait of the resilient: We value our self. We want this self to rebound quickly after adversity.
Resilient people aren’t overly critical of themselves, don’t strive for per- fection, and set boundaries: This is what it means to have high self-esteem. Self-acceptance and self-love must be aspirations if you want strong resilience muscles. With positive self-perception, we take responsibility for choices, ac- tions, and mistakes. We accept ourselves as we are and forgive ourselves for mistakes.
Positive self-perception is a tricky one because the foundation of self-esteem is laid down in our earliest years of life. If the first people responsible for car- ing for you did not love you exactly as you were, if they did not think that you were the most perfect, precious creature on the planet, if they wanted you to be anything other than the person you showed up as, then this disposition is more challenging to cultivate. If that is the case, I encourage you to work with a thera- pist and tackle this beast at its place of origin. If you don’t, those old feelings of inadequacy will unexpectedly pop up with devilish ferocity and cruelty when you least expect them.
Although I hope you might explore the roots of your fragile self-esteem, doing so can take time. It is the route toward transformation and true resilience, but there’s another path you can explore simultaneously: Fake it until you make it. This approach is underused, and there’s growing neuroscience research ex- plaining that our mind will change in response to our behaviors. Take care of yourself (and fake the concern if you must) until you believe that you’re wor- thy of self-care. See what happens to your emotional landscape if you just take care of your physical self. My bet is that you’ll not only feel better but also start valuing yourself more, and your self-esteem will surge. Now, put on your walk- ing shoes and get outside.
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170 Onward
Strive for Balance
Maybe this doesn’t need to be said, but this chapter is not a free pass to call in sick day after day when you’re just not feeling like going to school, or to leave school with the kids at 3:00 p.m. I doubt that most educators read this chapter seeking such permission—but, in case you did, you probably need to do some soul search- ing about what you’re doing and where you really want to be.
Everyone else: Make balance your goal. It might be hard (or unrealistic) to do every day all of the self-care things you know are good for you; time is truly limited, and maybe you have a family to care for and a long commute and night classes. But ultimately, the time you put into taking care of yourself will reward you with productivity, efficiency, and emotional well-being. Without attending to the underlying physical causes of stress, you’ll find it harder to bounce back from rough moments.
Prioritize self-care. You may need only one extra hour a day for sleep, exer- cise, preparing a healthy salad, and even some meditation. No need to completely eliminate sugar or alcohol or caffeine—just reduce it. Reduce TV time and replace it with a walk. And as you reduce the things that deplete your energy and increase the self-care, pay close attention to how doing so impacts your emotions, your pa- tience with kids, your tolerance for an annoying coworker, and your ability to plan lessons and assess papers. Manage your vices, find the middle way, and strive for balance.
Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is an act of self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.
Audre Lorde
I believe I am alive to heal and repair the world, and I appreciate receiving permission from others who have walked this path. Audre Lorde does this for me. Have you read Audre Lorde? Her poetry and essays hurl me through emotional landscapes of anger, hope, and love and land me firmly in the conviction that the pen is mightier than the sword. Audre Lorde died at age 58 after a long battle with cancer. She penned many volumes of poetry and prose, founded a publishing press for women of color, and fiercely advocated for women, black women, and queer women. She was also a mother, partner, and traveler. If she tells me to rest, I will do so. Thank you, Audre Lorde.
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Take Care of Yourself 171
CHAPTER REFLECTION
• What are a couple of learnings you’re taking away from this chapter? • What needs to happen so that you take better care of yourself? • What’s one thing you could do immediately to improve your self-care?
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Trust
Resilience
K N
O W
Y O
U R
SELF
Purposefulness
UNDERSTAND EMOTIONS
Acceptance
Optimism
TELL EMPOWERING STORIES
BUILD COMMUNITY
Empathy
BE H
ER E
N O
W
Humor
TA K
E C
A R
E O
F Y
O U
R SE
LF
Positive Self-Perception
CULTIVATE COMPASSION
Perspective
BE A LEARNER
Curiosity
PLAY + CREATE
Courage
RID E T
HE W AVES O
F CHAN
GE
Perseverance
C E
L E
B R
A T
E +
A P
P R
E C
IA T
E
FOCUS ON THE BRIGHT SPOTS Empowerment
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