Ultimate Writer

As you revise your draft, your main focus should be on improving the quality of writing, grammar, and syntax. A number of your sentences have poor grammar or are poorly structured, meaning that they confuse the argument. I’ve indicated some of these in my annotations at the beginning of the piece, but they are present throughout the essay. As you proof and edit your work, devote some time to reading your prose out aloud. This is a good way of discovering any words or sentences that sound awkward or lead to confusion. You should also focus should sharpening the central argument. As I say in the annotations, part of the task is building an argument and taking a particular side of a debate. Much of this piece, however, is descriptive, and while that's valuable, the evidence needs to be used in service of a specific persuasive argument. Don't just reiterate what's in the sources, but analyse and build on them. Overall, this is a promising topic, but following the above advice will strengthen the piece.