Abstract
In this paper the reader will learn about an interview that was conducted between a student mental health counselor and a licensed family therapist. The reader will learn about ten questions that were asked by the student mental health counselor and how those questions related to divorced, remarried, and couples involved in a blended family.
INTRODUCTION
The student counselor met with a family mental health counselor in the Orlando area who is actively involved in counseling divorced and remarried couples. The counselor stated that she has been a family counselor for over twenty one years. The counselor stated the number one reason that she sees couples divorce is built up resentments during the course of their marriage.
INTERVIEW
The first question the student counselor asked was “what are some of the most common reasons that couples divorce?” As mentioned the family therapist implied that the most common reason couples divorce is due to built up resentment over the course of the couples marriage. It took me a second to process the primary reasons why couples divorced but as I thought about it, it made perfect sense.
We know that communication is the key to preventing resentments so if the couple are not communicating about their fears, insecurities, likes, dislikes, and expectations in the relationship it will only lead to built up resentments. As I processed things more, it seems that in the society that we live in today, some people are afraid of opening up truthfully and being vulnerable with the important people in their lives. Some are afraid of letting their insecurities show for fear of being judged by the other person or being perceived as needy or insecure; however, the problem with this approach is that you never find a solution to what you feel and in the end only leads to resentments and deterioration of the relationship.
The family therapist interviewed implied that one of the most common complaints you hear from married couples who have resentments in their relationship is “we stopped having sex.” She stated that resentments in any relationship will almost always create a decline in the couples’ intimacy. She stated that much time should be spent with an individual prior to marriage to determine if one can be vulnerable about their thoughts, feelings, and insecurities with the person they are thinking about marrying.
The second question asked was, “what are the most common challenges you see in the first three months following separation?” The family therapist stated the most common challenges are if children are involved. “Children are affected the most following a separation of the husband and wife. What I tend to see is children misbehaving more due to that separation of the parents. A lot of the times couples don’t communicate with their children and expect them to know and accept the separation.” As I processed this it makes perfect sense why children would misbehave following the separation of their parents. The children were used to having both parents sharing the same home, now they have to divide their time with both parents. When parents who are separating don’t openly communicate with their children, but instead expect them to guess what is happening it often can create unknown frustrations within the children.
The third question asked was; do you recommend temporary separation as a technique in helping keep couples married? The therapist replied that she never verbally recommends that the couple separate for ethical reasons; however instead takes an approach in helping the couple create a separation plan in the likelihood that the couples decide to separate.
The fourth question asked to the family therapist was; what are the biggest adjustments that couples have to make during divorce, separation, and remarriage? She suggested the biggest adjustments during all three phases above is for the couple to learn how to deal with the recent change. She said that “I help the couple to create a plan that would work best for all parties involved; the less anxiety and lack of direction they experience, the more likelihood of success when dealing with a divorce, separation, and remarriage. This makes a lot of sense because there are fears and concerns that surrounds a divorce, separation and remarriage but if the parties involved can be guided appropriately by the therapist, a solution for the fears and concerns involving all can be found.
The fifth question asked was “when and how do you tend to see the effects of divorce manifest in children?” She stated that the effects of divorce in children tend to manifest early in the separation phase; if the couples actually separated before divorcing.” The therapist was explaining that it is normal to see a shift in the children’s attitude and behavior as a way for them to cope with the change that is happening.
The sixth question asked was; what are the most difficult adjustments you see in two families coming together? The therapist implied that the most difficult adjustments she sees with two families coming together is the families figuring out what their roles are. She said “a lot of the times there is some fears, especially with the step-parent assuming their roles and knowing what that role looks like.” She was explaining she works with the family to create a plan towards helping them figure out what their roles are and assuming those roles.
The seventh question asked was; how do you counsel divorced individuals with kids to begin dating again? What do you recommend for the process? What common mistakes do you see being made? She replied “I normally start by asking the client if there is anything involving any of their past relationships or recent relationship that they haven’t learned to forgive or still needs to process, and find a solution for. So for example if the ex was abusive to client, I help the client work up a plan towards how they can freely move on with their life and let go of all resentments for past offenses.” The therapist seems to understand that in order for a divorced individual to be successful in their next relationship they must first learn how to let of past resentments and forgive; if they are holding on to past resentments it will only affect the relationship they are attempting to enter.
The therapist suggested that one of the most common mistakes made by recently divorced individuals attempting to date is them not knowing how to divide their time between the person they are attempting to date and their children. “What I see is a lot of invalidation, because a lot of times the parents feel that their children should come first in all aspects of their lives, and if they hold this kind of thinking they really shouldn’t be attempting to date as there will be conflict as the step-parent don’t necessarily want to feel invalidated.” I agree with what the therapist said here, seems like if the person exploring to date another individual can learn some boundaries between the love for their children and loving someone else can be an effective first step.
The eighth question asked was “what is your personal theology of divorce and remarriage? The therapist stated “Well, I think that there has to be a lot of self-awareness on the divorced individuals part and accept responsibility for their part in why their previous marriage didn’t work and create a plan to address and fix those mistakes within self and improve self prior to the remarriage. A lot of the times what I see is a divorce and quick remarriage of another person without the individual working on their past mistakes and improving themselves prior to moving towards the next relationship. If an individual comes to me for help prior to remarriage I simply help them work on accepting their part in the deterioration of the marriage and figuring how they can improve self prior to remarriage.”
The ninth question asked was “What does a successful blended family look like?” The therapist stated “a family that has their own individuality prior to becoming a family, an individual who knows who there are both strengths and weaknesses, and actively working towards improving who there are. The successful family has a plan they follow, and compromise with each other. Because each person in this family has their own individuality they are very effective at resolving conflict and creating compromises.
The tenth question asked was “what do you enjoy most about working with families?” The therapist stated that she enjoys helping each individual find their own individuality. She said that “most successful families are built around healthy individuals. I enjoy guiding families towards a good and positive direction that works best for them.”
CONCLUSION
The interview with the therapist provided me with a lot of insight into the family dynamics. I like how the therapist approached helping families by helping them to create a plan that works best for them and improving their family lives. I like how the therapist recognized that each person’s individuality is important for each member in the family as being comfortable with self and being self-aware provides the best chances of having a successful family.
References
Gold, J. M. (2016). Stepping in, stepping out: Creating stepfamily rhythm. pp-26. United States of America: American Counseling Association.
QUESTIONS ASKED DURING THE INTERVIEW
1. What are some of the prevalent reasons why couples divorce?
2. What are some of the most common challenges you see following separation of a couple?
3. Do you recommend temporary separation in helping couples to stay married?
4. What are some of the biggest adjustments couples make during separation, divorce and remarriage?
5. When and how do you see the effects of divorce manifest in children?
6. What is the most difficult adjustment you see in two families coming together?
7. How do you counselor divorced individuals who has children and want to start dating?
8. What is your personal theology of divorce and remarriage?
9. What does a successful blended family look like?
10. What do you enjoy most about working with families?
tds23
structuredinterviewpaper2.docx
0
