Project 5: Recommendation Report

Dear Abadit,

REFLECTION

You have written an essay recommending that Fidelity take steps to increase diversity. Paragraph 1 is your abstract, followed by your introduction in paragraphs 2-3. Paragraph 4 targets your audience specifically. Paragraph 5 states your recommendation. Paragraphs 6-9 serve as the discussions segment of your essay. Paragraphs 10-13 conclude by summarizing more of your recommendations.

PRAISE

TOPIC/FOCUS

Abadit, you have a good handle on your topic. It’s focused and you highlight certain specifics that are viable solutions for your issue.

DEVELOPMENT

You’ve developed strong information throughout your essay. Your conclusion is very fluid. You explain so much in detail. Nice work!

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

THESIS STATEMENT

While you have a focus, your thesis is not evident. You need a clear, concise statement at the end of your intro, stating the problem and offering a solution. Once you perfect your thesis, the rest will fall into place, I promise! Let’s take a look at the end of your intro, which is where your thesis should be:

Achieving substantial diversity and inclusive culture will need the company to apply multiple strategies to reap the advantages of diversity and inclusivity at the workplace.

A classic thesis form for a problem/solution essay should have the following components: the problem, the responsible party followed by the solution and specific reasons why the solution will work. I know it sounds a bit overwhelming but let’s break it down:

Problem: In the beginning sentence, state the problem clearly. What problem does Fidelity present that requires a solution? Your problem is not clear.

Responsible party: Whomever should implement your solution should be the subject of the next part of your sentence. In this case it’s, Fidelity.

Solution and why it’s effective: This is not clear. Implementing diversity is the solution but why will it be important.

Now, use the following worksheet to craft a thesis using the model for a problem/solution statement:

https://sites.google.com/site/writingrotary/links-to-resources/focus-thesis?authuser=0

DEVELOPMENT AND RHETORICAL STRUCTURE

There are definitely areas that need development as well as structure according to the assignment.

Diversity is an essential aspect of each organization. A company's goals and objectives should include promoting diversity within the workforce since it fosters a positive environment for improving performances. Morley (2018) defines diversity as recognizing individual differences brought about by cultural background, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and many other factors. Fidelity Investments Inc. is an American multinational financial company. The company needs to improve its diversity within the workforce. Why? The company can enhance diversity through strategies such as measuring the company's level of diversity, focusing on employee retention, evaluating the company's executive arm, and paying attention to the organizational culture. Once the company has adopted the recommended strategies of improving diversity, it will enjoy various advantages. The advantages include; enhanced creativity increased productivity, reduced fear among workers, and positive global impact. The company can implement diversity improvement strategies through actions such as; Creating diversity-friendly policies, leveraging job boards, creating job posts that target specific groups, highlighting diversity goals on the company's career pages, and having a diversified interview panel. Why is this necessary? Why will it be effective and who is your audience? I noticed you designate a separate paragraph to your audience description. Audience needs to be addressed in the abstract.

The link below is one of my favorite websites that explains the abstract in depth. I hope you’ll find it helpful:

https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/abstracts/

Your intro needs to be streamlined. Keep it short and concise, containing the following information:

• Define the problem that the company needs to solve. Include any necessary contextual or background information.

• Describe the real company so the reader has a clear understanding of the organization and then define your role within (or relationship to) the organization.

• Define the target audience for the report.

• Describe the recommended solution (thesis statement) and the benefits the solution will provide the target audience.

Your thesis should be one clear and concise paragraph stating your thesis at the end. Your intro is 3 paragraphs and doesn’t define your target audience.

Fill in this sentence: I am writing to an audience of _________________________ who believe _______________________________________________________ in order to persuade them to _________________________________________________.

In the discussion section of your essay the assignment asks that you argue multiple points that supports your thesis. Because your thesis is unclear, the main ideas within the body of your essay remain unclear as well. Refer back to the assignment sheet. There should only be a “Discussions” part of your thesis statement that highlights a main idea that supports your thesis. You are not evaluating the pros and cons of your solution. You are recommending a solution and stating why it is effective. For example, at the beginning of paragraph 4, you state:

Measuring the company's level of diversity is a strategy that will enable Fidelity Investment Inc. to diversity and inclusion within the company.

This sentence is a fragment, meaning it’s not a complete thought. Make sure your topic sentences answer the following two sentences: What is the solution? Why is it effective.

With each body paragraph do the following:

• Make a Point. How does this paragraph support your thesis statement? What is the solution? Why is it effective?

• Introduce evidence by providing context: for example, give the expert’s background: their name, their position/job, their field, what they are known for, the title of the text you have taken your evidence from, and some information about why this quote is relevant to your argument. Here’s where your quote needs to support your main idea. If your solution supports lower turnover, how can you provide evidence that supports that idea.

• Insert your evidence (expert opinion (quote), statistic, fact, example, paraphrase or summary).

• Insert critical thinking about the evidence: analyze, synthesize and evaluate the evidence, and its relationship to your observation or argument. Here’s where you analyze your evidence and link it back to your thesis statement.

You provide a great amount of detail, too much actually, by dividing your essay into “Discussions,” “Benefits,” and “Recommended Steps.” All three of these aspects should be addressed in the “Discussions” section of your essay. Refer back to the assignment to confirm the required structure of the body of your work:

V. Discussion (you may include more points in this section than those listed below)

• Argue one point of support for thesis (clearly stated in a strong topic sentence) with cited research data that supports the point

• Argue another point of support for thesis (clearly stated in a strong topic sentence) with cited research data that supports the point

• Argue another point of support for thesis (clearly stated in a strong topic sentence) with cited research data that supports the point

• Address potential opposition (in a separate paragraph or include it within particular points of the discussion)

Your conclusion is way too long. According to your assignment sheet, your conclusion needs to do two things:

• Emphasize the benefits of accepting the recommendation for the target audience.

• Call to action : Describe next steps the target audience must take to implement your recommendation.

The worksheet below is a great tool to help you move through each paragraph and cross check that each body paragraph links to your thesis:

https://sites.google.com/site/writingrotary/links-to-resources/focus-thesis?authuser=0

WRAP-UP

Abadit, make sure your thesis is clear, concise and contains all of the key components of a problem/solution essay. Develop the areas of your essay that are missing and make sure that you adhere by the classic rhetorical structure the assignment sheet requires. Always feel free to reach out with questions!

Best,