REFLECTION PAPERS on the movie "Hitch"
memozee1020
soc315ch61.pptxCommunication: Realizing Effective Intimacy
Chapter 6
Power & Its Effects
Power – the ability or potential to impose one’s will on other people; to get them to think, feel, or do something they would not ordinarily have done spontaneously
Power in a relationship often derives from personality – whichever partner, whether male or female, has the more forceful personality & temperament might be the more dominant one in the relationship
People who feel powerless or helpless often are likely to be depressed and susceptible to physical and emotional disorders
What does unequal power do to relationships?
Affects self-esteem
Inhibits satisfaction, love, & sharing of feelings
Encourages manipulation
How Does Power Work?
Raven et al. offer 6 types of power people may exert in a relationship:
Coercive power – based on the fear that the partner will inflict punishment
Reward power – based on the belief that your agreement with your partner will elicit rewards from that partner
Expert power – based on the opinion that your partner has specialized knowledge
Legitimate power – based on your partner’s having the right to ask you and your duty of having to comply
Referent power – based on your identifying with and admiring your spouse & receiving satisfaction by pleasing him/her
Informational power – persuasive power; you’re persuaded by your partner that what he/she wants is in your best interest
Bloode & Wolfe’s Resource Theory:
The balance of power in a marriage reflects the relative resources of each spouse
Resources include money, education, occupational status, sex, parenting skills, etc. The spouse who has more resources is able to make more decisions that affect his/her partner, thereby giving them more power.
Waller’s Principle of Least Interest:
The partner who is least interested in the relationship has the most power
If you’re more committed to your relationship than your partner, you might hold back expressing frustrations, unhappiness, resentments, etc. and instead strive to please your partner
Conflict
In any intimate relationship, we crave 2 contradictory things: closeness and independence
As a result of this clash, we experience conflict – the process of interaction that results when the behavior of one person interferes with the behavior of another
In our society we experience a conflict taboo – conflict and anger are considered wrong, and seen as the opposite of cooperation and love
Challenges the idea of the folk concept of the family – emphasizes support, understanding, happiness, and warm holiday rituals
However, conflict is natural to relationships, and is often desirable
negative conflict
Negative conflict is destructive behavior that’s typically bad for relationships, families, and even health
Repressed anger – unconscious suppression of feelings of anger so that they are expressed in other ways
“Gunnysacking” – saving up grievances until they spill over
Overeating, apathy, depression, displacement
Passive-Aggression – the expression of anger indirectly rather than directly
Sarcasm, nagging, nitpicking, silent treatment
Scapegoating – blaming one partner or family member for everything that goes wrong
Gaslighting – when one partner constantly criticizes or denies the other’s definition of reality, diminishing the other’s self-esteem
positive conflict
Positive conflict is the kind of airing of differences that bring partners closer together; builds up each other’s self-esteem rather than diminishing it
Conflict helps to clarify differences
Conflict keeps small issues from becoming big ones
Conflict can improve relationships
what do couples argue about?
Research suggests that most disagreements are never actually fully resolved
Most couples, both happy & unhappy, tend to argue, particularly in the early stages of the marriage, and they tend to argue about the same things
9 common areas of conflict:
Household tasks
Especially pronounced among women; “second shift”
Money
Sex
Gender difference in sex drive, and female sex drive is more dependent on social, cultural, and situational factors
Women are resentful of partners who are affectionate only when interested in sex
Loyalty: Trust & Fidelity
One study found that in 1/3 of divorces, one or both partners has been sexually unfaithful
5. Power
6. Nurturance – who takes care of whom?
7. Privacy – aloneness vs. interaction
8. Children
9. Differences in Style – variations in preferences, temperaments & tastes
how people handle conflict
5 Major Types of Conflict:
Competing: individual is assertive and uncooperative, and sees conflict as a war which he or she is determined to win
Parallel: individual is unassertive and uncooperative. Both partners deny and retreat from any discussion of a problem.
Accommodating: individual is unassertive but cooperative; takes a passive stance. Don’t advance your own feelings but try to soothe the other.
Compromising: individual is somewhat assertive, but both are cooperative
Collaborating: great deal of concern about advancing both your own interests and your partner’s. You are assertive and cooperative.
resolving conflict
Authors recommend the following rules for dealing with conflict:
Attack problems, not the person
Using “I feel” language
Be sensitive about timing and place
Say what you mean, don’t lie & manipulate, and ask for what you want
Active listening
nonverbal communication
Nonverbal communication consists of messages sent outside the written or spoken word
5 kinds of nonverbal communication:
Interpersonal space
Eye contact
Serves 3 purposes: signalizes the beginning and end of a conversation, expresses emotion, and communicates interest and attention
Facial expressions
Body movements & gestures
Touch
uses of nonverbal communication
Malandro & Barker contend that nonverbal communication has 6 functions in relation to our spoken words
It can complement our words
Can contradict our words
Can accent our words
Can repeat our words
Can substitute for our words
Can help regulate our communication
gender differences
Women:
Research suggests that they seek closeness and avoid isolation
Rapport talk – aimed at gaining intimacy. Women tend to respond by listening, offering sympathy, support, & understanding
After work and money, women talk equally about leisure and men
Talk in terms of details, anecdotes, and personal disclosures.
Talk tentatively, using disclaimers & verbal hedges, especially when talking to men
Men:
More likely than women to act unilaterally in making decisions
Report talk – aimed at conveying information
After work and money, men talk about leisure. Less likely to talk about women than women were to talk about men.
Tend to dominate conversations by speaking longer, more frequently, and interrupting others
barriers to communication
Satir identified 4 styles of miscommunication:
Placating – passive people who are always agreeable but act helpless
Greatest desire is to avoid making a scene
Blaming – always put the responsibility for any problem on someone else
Computing – pretend to be reasonable and not reveal their feelings because they find emotions threatening
Distracting – Avoid disclosing relevant feelings, so they never discuss a problem but instead change the subject
Gottman
5 kinds of couple’s interactions which, in 90% of cases, are predictors of divorce:
Contempt – (ie, eye rolling) expresses that your partner is inferior or undesirable
Criticism – making disapproving judgments or evaluations about your partner
Defensiveness – not listening, but instead defending yourself against a presumed attack
Stonewalling – refusing to listen to your partner, especially his/her complaints
Belligerence – being provocative and challenging your partner’s power and authority
First 4 interactions tend to happen sequentially, showing an escalation in negativity
