REFLECTION PAPERS on the movie "Hitch"

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Chapters 14 & 15

the ending of relationships

Uncoupling – the series of stages by which couples (whether married or cohabiting) move toward ending the relationship

Suggested stages:

  • Dissatisfaction
  • Attempts at change
  • Turning elsewhere
  • Further distancing
  • Resolution
  • Informing the other partner
  • Acknowledging the ending

marital endings

4 ways a marriage can end:

Desertion – one spouse simply abandons the marriage and the family has no subsequent contact

Separation – married partners decide to no longer live together

Annulment – a pronouncement that declares that a couple never had a valid marriage

  • Religious
  • Civil (usually for fraud)

Divorce – legal dissolution of a valid marriage

health effects of unhappy marriages

  • Research has found that the unhappily married were worse off on heart disease risk factors like high blood pressure and cholesterol than both happily married and single women.
  • One study found that couples in high-conflict marriages take longer than the happily married to heal from various wounds – from minor scrapes to surgery

societal and demographic factors associated with divorce

  • Family – many of the family’s traditional functions of child care, protection, and recreation have been taken over by outside institutions
  • Religion – people who are religious are less likely to divorce. Spouses with the same religion more likely to have stable marriages
  • Law – legal assistance easier to obtain. Unclear if the prevalence of divorce has made legal proceedings easier, or if easier legal proceedings made divorce more common.

education, income & divorce

  • Generally, the lower the couple’s educational level and income, the higher the risk for divorce
  • US Census Bureau: about 36% of women 35-39, with less than 12 years education divorced, compared to about 28% of women with 17+ years of education
  • note: the higher the education, the more difficult to marry. But are the marriages more stable if/when they do marry?
  • However, people who have started toward, but failed to complete, a particular degree (regardless of its level), are more likely to divorce than those who complete the degree.
  • Couples below the poverty line are 2x as likely to divorce within 2 years

ethnicity & culture

  • African American couples are 2x as likely to end their marriages as white and Hispanic couples are
  • Largely due to the fact that they are disproportionately poor
  • As income levels rise, divorce rates for blacks decrease, resembling those for whites
  • Latinos have relatively low divorce rates
  • Partly due to the fact that many are Catholic, and Catholicism frowns on divorce

personal factors associated with divorce

Communication problems

Infidelity

Constant conflict

Emotional abuse

Falling out of love

Unsatisfactory sex

Insufficient income

Physical abuse

Falling in love with someone else

Boredom

effects of divorce

“Divorce hangover” – an individual is unable to let go of the fact that they got a divorce, reorient themselves as single parents, or develop new friendships

  • Separation distress – depression, loss, anxiety & intense loneliness
  • Compared to married and other singles, divorced are the most depressed and even suicidal
  • Loneliness and fears of being stigmatized
  • Stress – next to death of a spouse or a child, divorce is the greatest stress-producing event one can experience in life

effects of divorce, cont’d:

  • Health problems – divorced people are at higher risk for health problems, partly because ongoing stress can tax immune systems
  • Higher likelihood of heart or lung disease, cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and difficulties with mobility
  • Higher rates of alcoholism, mental problems, accidents and suicide
  • Can be positive for young, highly educated females in short-lived marriages, and those with strong social support

long-term effects of divorce on children

Wallerstein vs. Hetherington

Wallerstein (pessimistic): her study found that 10-15 years after a split, children entered adulthood as “worried, underachieving, self-deprecating, and sometimes angry”

  • Claims that a lack of healthy role models causes children to have less social competence, puts them at greater risk for drug & alcohol abuse, are less likely to attend college, and girls more likely to have early sexual experiences
  • Wallerstein argues that children are better off if parents stay together, even they’re in unhappy or loveless marriages

Hetherington (optimist): argues that the harm of divorce has been exaggerated and the positive effects ignored

  • Saw increased resilience in children of divorce
  • Found that within 6 years after divorce, children were as well adjusted and happy as were children whose parents stayed married

Why the difference in findings?

  • Hetherington interviewed 1400 families, half divorced, half not; Wallerstein interviewed 60 families and compared children of divorced parents w/44 adults who grew up in intact families
  • Hetherington’s sample considered more representative and data collection more scientifically rigorous

returning to the single life

In a hurry to remarry?

  • In one study of 248 remarried subjects, respondents spent an average of 17 months dating, whereas before their second marriage they spent about half the time dating – only about 9 months

Sex?

  • Generally, men tend to enjoy sex after separation, and are bolstered by it. Women don’t find sex quite as enjoyable, and their sense of well-being isn’t linked to sexual activity

middle-aged singles

  • The main reason for dating among men and women (49% of respondents) was to have someone to talk to or do fun things with – only 10% of men and 7% of women had the goal of marriage
  • About 29% said they had a hard time finding dates

Sex:

  • 59% of men felt they didn’t have sex often enough; only 35% of women felt that way
  • 46% of men, and only 21% of women, said they had sex with more than one person during the same time period
  • 21% of men and only 2% of women said sex on the first date is acceptable (in 40’s & 50’s – gap wider, the older they get)

remarriage

  • Important to distinguish between happiness (quality in marriage) and stability (duration of the marriage)

Happiness:

  • In comparison with first marriages, evidence suggests that second marriages show either no difference in satisfaction or even show less satisfaction
  • Many studies indicate that there are few differences in satisfaction in first compared to second marriages
  • Is the case regardless of the complexities of step children and other factors
  • Some research suggests that remarried couples might not handle conflicts well, resorting to anger and shouting

Stability:

  • Generally, 2nd and 3rd marriages don’t last as long as 1st marriages

Why is there a higher divorce rate amongst the remarried?

  • They’re more accepting of divorce
  • Remarried partners receive less social support
  • Stepchildren create more stresses
  • Lack of a cultural script creates uncertainty
  • Society hasn’t created a “cultural script” for remarriage – a set of social norms that guide participants in their relations with each other
  • Single remarriages are no more apt to divorce than people in 1st marriages; but, double remarriages are twice as likely to divorce as people in first marriages