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SAMUELFRENCH.COM

She Kills Monsters

by Qui Nguyen

A SAMUEL FRENCH ACTING EDITION

A SAMUEL 'FRENCH

1'0UND.IlD J.830

l ~

.......... J

Artwork by Jaime Valles, wwwJaimesvallesdesign.com

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned lIhat SHE KILLS MONS7ERS is subject to a licensing fee. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Com- monwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, reci- tation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of tranalation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. In its present form the play is dedicated to the reading public only.

The amateur and professional live stage performance rights to SHE KILLS MONSTERS are controlled exclusively by Samuel French, Inc., and licensing arrangements and performance licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation. PLEASE NOTE that amateur licensing fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circum- stances. When applying for a licensing quotation and a perfonnance license please give us the number of perfonnances intended, dates of production, your seating capacity and admiaaion fee. Licensing fees are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Samuel French, Inc., at 45 W. 25th Street, New York, NY 10010.

Licensing fee of the required amount must be paid whether the play is presented for charity or gain and whether or not admission is charged.

Professional/Stock licensing fees quoted upon application to Samuel French, Inc.

For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to: Bret Adams, Ltd., 448 West 44th Street, New York, NY 10036; attn: Colin Hunt.

Particular emphasis is laid on the question of amateur or professional readings, permission and terms for which must be secured in writing from Samuel French, Inc.

Copying from this book in whole or in part is strictly forbidden by law, and the right of performance is not transferable.

Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: "Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French, Inc.·

Due authorship credit must be given on all programs, printing and advertising for the play.

ISBN 978-0-57S-7005~9 Printed in U.SA #20345

No one shall commit or authorize any act or omission by which the copyright of, or the right to copyright, this play may be impaired.

No one shall make any changes in this play for the purpose of production.

Publication of this play does not imply availability for performance. Both amateurs and professionals considering a production are strongly advised in their own interests to apply to Samuel French, Inc., for written permission before starting rehearsals, advertising. or booking a theatre.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval sys- tem, or transmitted in any form, by any means, now known or yet to be invented, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, videotaping. or otherwise, without the prior written per- mission of the publisher.

MUSIC USE NOTE

Licensees are solely responsible for obtaining formal written permission from copyright owners to use copyrighted music in the performance of this play and are strongly cautioned to do so. If no such permillSion is obtained by the licensee, then the licensee must use only original music that the licensee owns and controls. Licensees are solely responsible and liable for all music clearances and shall indemnify the copyright owners of the play and their licensing agent, Samuel French, Inc., against any costs, expenses, losses and liabilities arising from the use of music by licensees.

IMPORTANT BllLING AND CREDIT REQUlREMENI'S

All producers of SHE KILLS MONSTERS must give credit to the Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play, and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for the purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/ or a production. The name of the Author mwt appear on a separate line on which no other name appears. immediately following the title and must appear in size of type not less than fifty percent of the size of the title type.

In addition the following credit must be given in all programs and pub- licity information distributed in association with this piece:

First produced in New York City The Flea Theater

Jim SimplOD, Artistic Director; Carol Ostrow, Producing Director

SHE KILLS MONSTERS received its world premiere Off Off Broadway at The Flea Theater in New York City on November 4, 2011, under artistic director Jim Simpson, producing director Carol Ostrow, and managing director Beth Dembrow; with scenic and lighting design by Nick Fran- cone, sound design by Shane Rettig, costume design by Jessica Pabst, puppet design by David Valentine, choreography by Emily Edwards, fight direction by Mike Chin, prop design by Kate Sinclair Foster, and stage management by Michelle Kelleher. The director was Robert Ross Parker. The cast was as follows:

TILLYEV~S AJlisonBuck

AGNES EVANS Satomi Blair

CHUCK Jack Corcoran

MILES Bruce A Lemon

LILI'I1I Margaret Odette

KALIOPE " Megha Nabe

ORCUS Raul Sigmund julia

VERA/SUCCUBUS...............•........... Brett Ashley Robinson

STEVE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Edgar Eguia

FARRAH/SUCCUBUS/NARRATOR .......•......... Nicky Schmidlein

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR

TILLY EVANS

AGNES EVANS

CHUCK

MILES

LllJTH

KAlJOPE

ORCUS

VERA

STEVE

BUGBEAR

FARRAH

SUCCUBI: EVIL GABBI Ie EVIL TINA

GELATINOUS CUBE

TIAMAT

(Lights come up on a hooded female NARRATOR who speaks a lot like Gate Blanchett in the Lord of the Rings movies.)

NARRATOR. In a time before Facebook, Worlds of Warcraft, and Massive Multiplayer Online RPG's, there once existed simply a game. Forged by the hands of nerds, crafted in the minds of geeks, and so advanced in its advanciness it would take a whole second edition to contain all its mighty geekery. And here in the land of Ohio during the year of 1995, one of the rarest types of geeks walked the earth. A Dungeon Master without fear, prejudice, or a penis. This nerd was a girl-nerd, the most uncommon form of nerd in the world and her name was Tilly Evans.

(Lights come up on TIllY EVANS, a teenage girl decked qut in.full kathery D&D fantasy armor with a coolass sword in hand. She is surrounded by a horde ofKobokls [goblin-like creatures}.)

(Suddenly they attack!)

('I1LLY quickly slays each of the 11UJ'T/,Sters with grace and e/friency.)

(She stands poised over their dead bodies as the NAR- RATOR continues... )

NARRATOR. But this story isn't about her... This story is about her sister Agnes, the girl who never left home ...

8 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene One

(The fol/nwing sequence is presented elegantly in either shadow-play or with shadouJ-fni,ppetry.)

NARRATOR. Agnes Evans grew up average. She was of aver- age height, average weight, and average build. She had average parents and grew up in the average town of Athens, Ohio with her little sister Tilly. Tilly however was anything but average.

TIlLY. What are you doing? AGNES. Talking on the phone. What are you doing? TIlLY. Trying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of

electricity. AGNES. Oh, okay...WHAT!?! NARRATOR. Being a bit more than half a decade apart in

age, the two girls had very little in common. Agnes being of average disposition was into more typical things such as boys, music, and popular television pro- grams while her sister Tilly became fascinated with the dark arts - magic, dragons, and silly costumes.

AGNES. What the hell are you wearing? TIlLY. Armor. AGNES. Why? 11ILY. In case I have to battle. AGNES. Battle what? 'JULY. Your face. NARRATOR. As Agnes grew and grew, she became more and

more engrossed with transcending her seemingly per- manent state of averageness and made one grand wish on the night of her high school graduation that she would forever regret.

AGNES. I wish my life was less boring. NARRATOR. And so the Gods answered her wish by smiting

down every single one of her loved ones in a single car crash. But this isn't the story of that tragedy. It is a story about how Agnes, the girl who never left home, finally found a way out...

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Two

(Lights come up on CHUCK, a nerdy teen dressed like a grunge rocker roadie. He's wearing large headphones, a flannel shirt tied around his waist, and jamming out to Beck's "Loser" as he's working the counter of a "RPG Gaming Store. fir

CHUCK. (singing to himself)

(AGNES enters and pokes his shoulder which startles him!)

WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK!

AGNES. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you -

CHUCK. I wasn't scared. I'm a black belt.. .in Jedi. ..jitsu -

AGNES. Hi, I'm looking for a Chuck Biggs?

CHUCK. You're looking at him! But my hommiesjust call me simply DM Biggs cause, you know, I'm "big" where it counts.

AGNES. Vh ... CHUCK. As in MY BRAIN! AGNES. (relieved) Ohl!! CHUCK. Not because I'm fat.

Seriously, it really has nothing to do with body mass index, I'm actually in pretty good shape -

AGNES. I get it.

CHUCK. So what can I do you for?

AGNES. Rumor has it you know a thing or two about D&D.

CHUCK. Well, that depends, are we talking 1st or 2nd Edition?

AGNES. Vh ... CHUCK. PSYCHE! It doesn't matter which edition cause my

D&D IQ is the bomb!

AGNES. Cool.

CHUCK. SO what do you need, Miss Pretty Eyes?

• Please see Music Use Note on Page 3.

10 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Well, I have this thing. I'm not quite sure what it is. CHUCK. Well, lemme checkity check it out!

(AGNES hands CHUCK the notebook.)

AGNES. You know, you're not exactly what I was expecting. CHUCK. What? Were you expecting some nerd? Cause I'm

no nerd. I'm a straight up lady-killahl Yeah, I got a girlfriendl She's not from around here though. She lives up in New York and you know what they say about them New York honeys - them girlies are cray crayl Have you ever been to New York?

AGNES. No.

CHUCK. I've been there. Seen the Statue of Liberty. Empire State building. Hard Rock Cafe. Pretty awesome.

AGNES. Is that when you met your girlfriend? CHUCK. Met? Well, we haven't officially met... I mean, in

person. We met on the internet. You've been on the internet, right?

AGNES. Yeah, we have it at work.

CHUCK. Seriously, you gotta get it hooked up at home. I got a crazy fast connection in my digs. I'm talking 56 kilobits per secondl Fastest on market. Fo' reals.

AGNES. So about the notebook...

CHUCK. Right. It looks like it's a homespun module. AGNES. What's that?

CHUCK. It's like a map for a D&D game. An adventure. And this one looks like it's written for one to two players at entry level skills and power designations and - whoa, wait just a minute.

AGNES. What? CHUCK. Tillius the Paladin?

Was this written by Tilly Evans? AGNES. You know her? CHUCK. You kiddin', right? Every player here in Athens has

been on a campaign with her. How'd you get ahold of this?

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. She's, urn, my sister.

CHUCK. Oh man, I'm sorry - AGNES. So can you help me figure out what it all means? CHUCK. Sure, but-

Look, I should tell you something up front now that I know who you are.

AGNES. Okay?

CHUCK. Nothing can happen between us, okay? I know you were vibing me when we first met, but now that I know who you are, I don't think it would be appropriate.

AGNES. Vh ...alright? CHUCK. So what do you want to do with this module?

AGNES. Well, Chuck, I want to play it.

12 SHE lULLS MONSTERS

Scene Three

(Lights come up MILES standing in TILLY sbedroom.) MILES. So this is all that's left to pack? AGNES. Yep. MILES. It's a lot. AGNES. Yep. MILES. So is this exactly how - AGNES. Yep.

Exactly the way she left it - MILES. Your sister was a slob. AGNES. She was fifteen. MILES. She was a fifteen year-old slob. AGNES. Where do I even begin with all this?

~piths up a He-Man actionfigure.)

MILES. Man, your sister was really into some geeky things. AGNES. Yep. MILES. You sure you don't want any help?

Cause you know I'm strong, right? Like bull.

AGNES. You're also clumsy. Like ass.

MILES. I'm not clumsy. AGNES. Should I remind you of my fonner coffee table? MILES. It was faulty design. AGNES. Thanks for the help, babe, but you should go. I

should pack this myself. I'm her sister, it's part ofthejob. MlI..FS. Alright then, I'll just go ahead start moving some

boxes over to OUR new place. AGNES. That sounds like a good plan .. Just don't drop any-

thing. MILES. I love you. AGNES. I love you too.

~ give her a kiss.)

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Mll.ES. You should try talking to her, Agnes. I mean about all this. I think it'll help.

AGNES. Where would I even start?

MILES. Try asking her.

(MILFS exits.)

(She scans in TlLLyj room, taking it aU in.)

(She takes in a deep breath.)

AGNES. Okay, Tilly, so where do I begin?

('rIll.Y appears.)

TIlLY. You're going to suck at this.

AGNES. Tilly? TIlLY. You don't even know the difference between a mage

or a wizard. AGNES. Hey, trust me, I rather wish you would have left a

diary or a journal, but no, you had to be a dork and leave a model instead.

TIlLY. Module.

AGNES. Module whatever. So how do we do this?

TIlLY. You're going to die five seconds into it. AGNES. Well, you're already dead so we'll at least have that

in common.

TIllY. Fine, you wanna do this, then let's do this.

AGNES. Chuck. Go.

(Suddenly, with awesome lights, suund, and smoke FX. a hooded CHUCK rises from behind the tabk where hej been inexplicably hiding the whok time.)

CHUCK. (speaking aU-wizard-y on a [()wer octave) Greetings, Adventurers! I am Chuck Biggs also know as DM Biggs due to the fact that my brain is big, not because I'm fat. Seriously it has nothing to do with my body mass index, I've actually been working out -

AGNES. Chuck! CHUCK. And I will be your Dungeon Master for this adven-

ture! Are. You. Ready?

14 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TILLY. Finel If you're serious about this, then I guess you're going to have to meet the rest of the team.

AGNFS. What team? TILLY. Every adventurer has a party. This one's mine. Cue

the intro music!

(MissiQn lmpossibk'esque music begins to play.)"

(A spotUghtfalls on LIUI'H.)

First up is Lilith Morningstar. Qass: Demon Queen.

AGNFS. What in the bad word is she wearing?

Tn.LY. She acts as our squad's muscle. Whenever you're sur- rounded by an armada of Ogres, she's the one you want holding the battle axe. She has so much power, she could make an umber hulk shake in its oversized boots. She is a perfect combination of both beauty and brawn.

LIUI'H. Violence makes me hot. TILLY. Next up is Kaliope Darkwalker.

Class: Dark Elf.

AGNFS. Okay, that's seriously what she looks like? TILLY. Along with her natural Elvin agility, athleticism, and

ass-kicking abilities, she's also a master tracker, lock- picker, and has more than a few magical surprises up her non-existent sleeves. No pointy-eared creature has ever rocked so much lady hotness.

KAUOPE. I'm in the mood for some danger.

(lWJOPE joins LILn1I and they begin posing aU sexy.)

TILLY. And then there's - AGNES. Pause! CHUCK!

(The reality suddenly shifts back to the kitchen tabk.)

CHUCK. Yeah, what's up? AGNES. What is this?

CHUCK. This is your party.

·Plea.se see Music Use Note on Page S.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. My party is a leather-elad dominatrix and an Elvin super-model?

CHUCK. Dude, don't look at me, this is what your sister wrote.

AGNES. Then how come it screams "adolescent boy"? Seriously, "Violence makes me hot." Who says that?

CHUCK. Okay, so there's definitely a certain amount of improv involved, but I swear this is the gist of what Tilly created.

AGNES. This? CHUCK. Yes. This. AGNES. My sister wrote this? CHUCK. Look, do you want to play the game or not? AGNES. Sure, whatever.

(CHUCK throws his hood back on.)

CHUCK. And then - TIlLY. There's me. I'm the brains of this operation.

Name: Tilly Evans aka Tillius the Paladin, healer of the wounded and the protector of lights. CJass:i\wesomel

('rILLy steps up beside KAUOPE, and LILlTII and do badnss poses with their weapons as if they're at a photo shoot.)

CHUCK. Welcome to the Quest for the Lost Soul of i\thens. Your mission is find and free the Lost Soul before it is devoured by the dark forces of darkness forever.

(AU the girls high-five w:h other.)

AGNES. Seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?

(Suddenly, three monsters rush in grQWling and snarl- ing.)

(In a fast and impressive series of moves, TILLY, KAlJ· OPE, andLIllTH sln.y them.)

Okay, nevermind.

16 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

KAUon. CuriOUS. What form of creature is this? LILITH. Can I eat it? Tn.LY. Ulith, you said you were quitting. LILITH. I said I'd cut down. I've only had two this week. AGNES. Cut down doing what? KAUon. Eating the flesh of bad guys. AGNES.Ew. KAUon. Why are you dressed so strangely? AGNES. I'm dressed strangely? You look like a friggin'

Thundercat. Tn.LY. Kaliope. KAUon. Yes, Noble Paladin Tillius - TILLY. Any word on arcus's location? AGNES. What's an arcus? LILl1H. Is this your special skill? Asking questions? That

will come in handy.

AGNES. What's your special skill? Being a - TIlLY. Guys, stop it.

Orcus is a demon overlord of the underworld. If there's a lost soul, he'll either have it or at least know where it is. So, Kaliope, location?

KAUon. The entrance to the cave of arcus is at the next bend. But unfortunately neither Lilith nor I can accompany you for no magical creatures are allowed into his lair unless they risk being entrapped there for- ever.

AGNES. (to IJUIlI) Seriously, there has to be more to this outfit, right?

LILITH. You look like you would be delicious with a side of baby.

AGNES. Okay! So I guess we're not going to be friends. LILITH. Oh, how my heart is broken by that news. AGNES. Okay, let's gol

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TIlLY. Actually, Agnes, before we can go any further. We're going to have to equip you and build you a character. I mean you can't just walk around looking like that.

AGNES. I'm not wearing what she's wearing.

TIlLY. You're going to at least need a shield.

AGNES. A shield I can do.

TIlLY. So what will be your alignment? AGNES. My what?

LIL1TII. Are you good, lawful, chaotic, unlawful, evil? AGNES. I'm a Democrat.

KAIJOPE. And what will be your weapon? AGNES. I guess a sword. A regular sword. Like yours. TIlLY. This is not a regular sword.

KALIOPE. You have to earn a weapon like the one TUlius wields.

LIL1TII. The Eastern Blade of the Dreamwalker.

KAlJOPE. Forged from the fiery nightmares of Gods.

LIL1TII. Blessed by the demons of Pena.

KAIJOPE. And bestowed upon the one who once banished the Tiamat from New Landia.

AGNES. So I can't have a sword like that one? TIlLY, UU1H, Ie KAIlOPE. NOI AGNES. Fine, I'll just take a regular sword. TIlLY. And what will be your name?

AGNES. Agnes. TIlLY. No, what will be your character name?

AGNES. Agnes. TIlLY. Stop being an ass-ha~, Agnes.

AGNES. No, I want to just use my name. Agnes. LILITH. Fine, then it is decided, you are Agnes the Ass-

hatted. AGNES. That's not what I said.

KAIJOPE. Agnes the Ass-hatted, welcome to our party.

18 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Four

(Cut to... )

NARRATOR. (V. 0.) And so it was that Agnes the Ass--hatted and Tillius the Paladin ventured forth into the dark dwellings of the truly evil and quite large in stature ORCUS THE OVERLORD OF THE UNDERWORLD in search for the lost soul of Athens. But what they found deep in that cave was not what they were pre- pared for in the least bit...

(Lights come up on ORCUS, a very large, big-horned, completely red, tkmon. He's chilling on a lazy-/xJy watch- ing Tv.)

TILLY. It is I, the great Paladin Tillius, healer of the wounded, defender of lights, I have come here to -

ORCUS. Dude, I'm not going to fight you. AGNES. He's not going to fight us? TILLY. We've come here to battle. ORCUS. I know what you came here to do and I'm telling

you, I'm busy. AGNES. This is the Overlord of the Underworld? ORCUS. FORMER Overlord of the Underworld! I quit TILLY. You quit? You can't quit. ORCUS. Whatchoo talking about I can't quit. You know

how annoying it is to always get attacked by goddamn adventurers all day and night?

(An adventurer named STEVE barges in.)

STEVE. Orcus! It is I, the great Mage Steve and I've come here to do battle!

ORCUS. See what I'm saying? STEVE. I've come to claim the - ORCUS. Here ya go, little man. It's all yours. STEVE. Really, that's all I had to do? AWESOMEl ORCUS. So what would you like? Treasure? jewels? Some

cheez-whiz? It's hella good.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TIlLY. I wish to free a soul. DRCUS. Which one?

TIlLY. Mine.

AGNES. What? TIlLY. You heard me, Orcus. I want my soul back.

DRCUS. Well, hrm. This is a bit awkward.

AGNES. Wait, you're the lost soul of Athens? TIlLY.5hhhh.

DRCUS. Dh, yeah, I sorta lost your lost soul. TIlLY. How is this possible? DRCUS. Yeah, I sona traded it in for this badass 'IV/VCR

combo from the, urn, Tiamat.

TIlLY. What? DRCUS. Yeah, she was really into it and myoid 'IV com-

pletely conked out... TIlLY. So you just gave my soul to the Tiamat?

DRCUS. Well, it is a 'IV AND VCR. AGNES. This isn't good, is it?

TIlLY. No, not good at all.

%0 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Five

(Cut to... )

(VERA in her ofjia. She's talking to a student.)

VERA. Do you want an STD? No, you don't. At worst, that shit will kill you. In the least, it will get your shit itchy. And nobody likes a girl with an itchy hoo-hah. Now get out of here and keep your pants onl Stupidass questions I

(AGNES walks in and crashes in her chair.)

Well, you look like shit.

AGNES. Thanks. VERA. Crazy night with Miles?

AGNES. Crazy night. Not with Miles. VERA. Well, who's the new mystery man? AGNES. It's not what you think, I was with a high school

boy.

VERA. Say what? AGNES. We were up all night...

Role-playing.

VERA. Agnes, you know I'm all for experimentation and extracurricular activities, but maybe you should stick to guys your same age -

AGNES. JESUS, Vera, we were playing Dungeons and Dragons.

VERA. OH! Wait. Dungeons and Dragons? You know what? I think it was less weird when I thought you were fucking a high schooler.

AGNES. You're like the worst high school guidance coun- cilor ever.

VERA. No, I'm not.

(A student, STEVE, enters.)

STEVE. Hello, Miss Martin, I came by to ask you about -

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

VERA. Noooool STEVE. Miss Martin? VERA. Are you flunking out of a class? STEVE. No. VERA. Then you're fine. Come back later, I'm busy.

STEVE. Okay.

(STEVE exits.)

AGNES. I stand corrected, you should lead workshops on pedagogy.

VERA. And how does Miles feel about Dungeons and Dragons?

AGNES. You really don't like him, do you? VERA. You two have been together how long? Five years?

And all he's done is asked you to move in with him? Please, son, keep your house, show me a ring!

AGNES. I'm not ready for that. VERA. That's cause down deep you know he's no good for

you. AGNES. Can we please change subjects? VERA. So what's up with this game? Is this some sort of

dorky quarter-life crisis? AGNES. I know it's stupid, but... I'mjust curious why Tilly

liked it so much. VERA. And? AGNES. And I honestly don't see what's the appeal.

It's actually kinda mundane. All we've done so far is walk around and talk to things -

zz SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Six

(Cut to... )

CHUCK. Suddenly Three Bugbear surround you! AGNES. What?

CHUCK. Three Bugbear surround youl AGNES. What the heck is a bugbear?

CHUCK. What do you do?

AGNES. What do I do? I don't even know what a bugbear is? Are they small? Are they bears?

CHUCK. You examine the bugbears. They are neither small nor bears.

1lI.LY. So this game is mundane, huh? All we do is talk and walk?

AGNES. I didn't know things were suddenly going to jump out at us.

CHUCK. The first bugbear strikes.

(It hits AGNES!)

AGNES. OWl Wait, don't I get a turn? 1lI.LY. You wasted your turn examining the bugbears.

ClWCK. Which they appreciate. Bugbears aren't used to getting such attention. The first bugbear strikes.

AGNES. Don't roll that dice.

(A BUGBEAR. strikes AGNES in the faa again hard.)

OWl

CHUCK. You've been damaged.

AGNES. No, really?

CHUCK. What do you do? AGNES. I fight back!

TIUY. My character does the same. AGNES. And?

(TIllY steps forward and impales her sward into one of the BUGBEAR. easily kiUing it.)

CHUCK. Tillius easily slays one Bugbear.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. That's right! Now it's my turn.

CHUCK. You however swing -

(AGNES takes a swipe with her sward. The BUGBEAR dodges and smacks her in the face again.)

AGNES. OWl I! CHUCK. And miss. AGNES. What? Look at those things? How do I miss that?

CHUCK. The second bugbear strikes. AGNES. No, no, wait!

CHUCK. They miss. AGNES. Okay, let me think.

CHUCK. You take a turn to think. AGNES. No, I don't-

CHUCK. The third bugbear strikes.

AGNES. Corne on.

(AGNES tries to avoid the attack the best she can, but gets impaled by the BUGBEAR l weapon.)

CHUCK. Huge damage! Agnes is down. TILLY. Your character is dying, Agnes. What do you want

to do?

AGNES. What can I do? TILLY. Start playing this game correctly.

AGNES. How? TILLY. Stop acting like a sarcastic ogre all the damn time

and I'll help you. Can you do that?

AGNES•...

TIlLY. Agnes? AGNES. Yes. Yes, I can do that.

TILLY. You promise? AGNES. Yes, I promise.

(rIlLY closes her eyes and hovers her hands overAGNES.)

What are you doing?

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

(Lights and suund indicate smnething awesome is haP. pening.)

CHUCK. TUUus uses a revive spell to restore Agnes's hit- points. You get back on your feet.

TILLY. We stand side-by-side and raise our weapons. CHUCK. And this is what happens next -

(Hard-hiUing music begins to pwy. AGNES and TILLY atttUk the BUGBEARS. An elaborate and badass fight ensues.)

You've defeated the bugbearl Agnes levels up! Gains plus one in being less of a dumbassl

AGNES. Wait, is that really a stat? TILLY. Yep, totally is. You're less dumbl Yay! Now where's

the rest of our team?

(LILITH, KALIOPE, and ORCUS enter.)

lJLITH. You're not serious, love. We're not actually going to bring Orcus along, correct?

KAllOPE. I must agree with Lilith, getting the worst demon in all the underworld to tote along with us does seems less-than-wise.

ORCUS. I totally agree. I am bad news. Look at me. I'm red. I got horns. I'm evil. Do you really want that kind of badness toting along with you?

TILLY. No, you're coming with us. ORCUS. Man, you're gonna make me miss Quantum Leap. TILLY. That's inconsequential. ORCUS. Inconsequential? Have you seen Quantum Leap?

The dude time travels ... through time ... by leaping INTO different bodies. Different BODIES, yo, and putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

AGNES. That actually does sound interesting. TILLY. You lost my soul, Orcus, so now you're going to have

to help me get it back.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

KAUOPE. He knows where your soul is?

TIlLY. He gave it to The Tiamat. LILlTII. What? AGNES. What's The Tiamat?

KAUOPE. The Tiamat is a five-headed dragon that has laid waste to generations of adventurers and civilizations since the Babylonian times.

AGNES. SO it's pretty hard to kill?

KAUOPE. That would be the logical conclusion, yes. LILlTII. You just gave her soul away!?! I should rip out your

insides and dine on them right here and right now, you overgrown sad excuse for a demonic entity.

ORCUS. Whoa, ain't you the big bad's baby girl?

UUTH. (suddenly stopped in her tracks) Urn...what? No, you must be mistaking me for some other. ..demon ... prin- cess.

ORCUS. I don't think your daddy's gonna be too fond of you being AWOL.

LILlTII. (suddenly very teenagery) Look, please don't tell him, okay? He'll kill mel Kill mel

AGNES. Wow, suddenly you don't seem so tough.

(lJLITH backhands AGNES sending herflying across the stage.)

ORCUS. Don't worry. He doesn't have any love for me either. Your secret's safe with me.

TIlLY. Tell us the location of The Tiamat, Orcus! Now!

ORCUS. Fine. Go go Orcus Map!

(A comically large map suddenly appears out of nowhere.)

ORCUS. Behold my comically large map of New Landia. This is the path you will have to take if you want to face The Tiamat. You must first travel down the river of wetness to the swamps of mushy -

Z6 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. The names of these locations suck. TIUY. I was going to go back and give them better names

later, but - you know - I sorta died before I could get to it.

ORCUS. Then you will climb the mountain of steepness to the castle of evil to find The Tiamat. But to be able to face The Tiamat, you will have to face and defeat all three of its guardians, the Big Bosses of New Landia. And each one of them are totally badass so - most likely - one if not all of you will die before you get there. So, yeah, you gotta do that... OR we can chill out in my cave and rock us some Thursday Night Must-5ee 'IV! Who's feeling me? No? Really, none of you guys are into ER? That Clooney Cat is slammin'!

TIUY. Look, I can't ask for you all to come with me. The journey before us is too perilous and the prize too per- sonal for me to expect you to risk your lives. I'm just one girl and you all have so much ahead of you. Please if you do not wish to continue, you have my blessing to stay right here and be safe.

LILl'm. Tillius, you know as always you have my blade. KAlJOPE. And mine.

ORCUS. Seriously, I'm totally fine with just chillin' - TIUY. You don't get a choice.

ORCUS.Man! KAlJOPE. What about you, Agnes the Ass-hatted? What say

you?

AGNES. Of course I'm in.

LILl'm. Then let us kicketh some ass.

•

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

NARRATOR. (V.O.) And so our team of adventurers set forth into the wild, following the path Orcus traced out for them. It was indeed treacherous and they did indeed kicketh ass ...

(Music liU LL eoolf's "Mama Say Knock you Out" kicks in! A high-energy montage of badassery happens here where we see our party kick ass by kiUing a a crap- load of different monsters in an assqrtment of different ways from badass to comedic.)

*Please see Music Use Note on Page 3.

28 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Seven

(Lights come up on a beautifulFAEIUE [FARRAH] danc- ing and singing in the woods [Maybe to a song like TLC's Waterfalls).}"

(ORCUS approadleS.)

ORCUS. Aw,look at the little forest faeriel Hello, little faerie, how are you?

(ORCUS goes to pet the FAERIE, but immediately decks him in tM mouth.)

OWl

FARRAH. Look, you overgrown sack of stupid, just cause I'm pretty don't mean I won't fuck you the fuck up! Seriously, did you see a sign on the way in here that said "Petting Zoo".

ORCUS.No! FARRAH. Then please do not try to fucking touch me!

(FARRAH pushes him to the ground.) ORCUS. I don't think I like that faerie. FARRAH. Now get out of my magically enchanted forest,

freakzoids, before I decide to go all Faerie berzerker all over your ugly asses.

AGNES. Hey, I thought fairies were supposed to be nice. FARRAH. Nice? Yo, do I sound Canadian to you? Ain't no

one here gonna be nice all the damn time. Faeries are happy. No one said nice. HAP-PY. And I'm brimming like mad with some magical happiness. And guess what makes me happiest? Kicking the crap out of any lame-ass adventurers who decide to trespass on my magically enchanted forest!

AGNES. Look, maybe we should just take the long way around to the mountain?

FARRAH. Whoa! You're going to the mountain? As in the Mountain of steepness?

AGNES. As a matter of fact, yes.

• Please see Music Use Note on Page !l.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

FARRAH. What for? AGNES. To fight the Tiamat if you need to know.

FARRAH. Oh, that's all you had to say, mortals! AGNES. Oh yeah?

FARRAH. Yeah. Get ready to push daisies cause it's throw- down time!

AGNES. Uh, say what? FARRAH. I'm one of the great guardians, bitches.

KAUOPE. But she is but wee. FARRAH. Yeah, and me and my wee butt is gonna kill the

crap out of you guysl AGNES. Seriously, what could she possibly do?

(Adventurer STEVE enters.)

STEVE. It is I, the great Mage Steve, and I challenge you to -

(The FAERIE graphically rips out his throat in one quick 1TWVe.)

ORCUS. Yo, to hell with that noise. That girl is cray cray! FARRAH. If you want to get to Tiamat, you're gonna have to

go through me. TIU.Y. Finel Enough with the yapping. Let's do thisl ClWCK. (V.O.) BOSS FIGHT NUMBER ONE: FARRAH

THE FAERIE VERSUS TEAM TILLIUS

(The FAERIE pulls out two very large knives. They all fight!)

(Though the FAERIE is indeed small and cute, she's a total badass and beats the crap out of the majority of TIU.Y's party.)

(Cornered, TIU.Y summons a magic spell.)

TIU.Y. I call on ... MAGIC MISSILE!

CHUCK. TILLY CASTS MAGIC MISSLEl!! FARRAH. Oh no.

(FARRAH expWdes!)

AGNES. Holy crap.

TIU.Y. Holy magic!

50 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Eight

(CHUCK is chiUing in AGNES :s apartment when MILES enters.)

MILES. Agnes! Check it out, guess who just got the new Smashing Pumpkins double disk -

CHUCK. Dude, nicer But I'm not gonna lie, I much prefer the consistency of Siamese Dream over the gaudiness of Mellnn CoUie and the Infinite Sadness.

MILES. Who the hell are you? CHUCK. Oh, sorry, I'm Chuck. I'm Agnes's OM and you

are? MILES. You're her what?

CHUCK. Oh right, I'm not supposed to talk about that. I'm her friend. Her secret friend.

MILES. You're my girlfriend's "secret friend"? CHUCK. Yeah, and you are?

MILES. Her boyfriend. CHUCK. Oh yeah? I didn't know she was dating anyone.

MILES. Hold up, she didn't teU you about me? CHUCK. Well, that's probably my fault. I keep her pretty

busy if you know what I mean.

MILES. Doing what?

CHUCK. Fighting monsters. Fighting. Monsters. MILES. I don't even know what that means. But I do know it

means I'm gonna fight you. Right now. Let's go. CHUCK. Why?

MILES. Cause she's my girlfriend! CHUCK. No, manl It ain't like that. We just role-playl

MILES. You what!?!

CHUCK. Look, I got no feelings for her. I mean it was pretty clear that she was vibing me and all when we first met - but I set the ground rules straight. This is just for fun, no long term commitments. I'm just here to help her play out this fantasy.

MILES. Alright, I'm gonna break you in -

•

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

(AGNES enters, holding a pair of black katller gWves.)

AGNES. Hey Chuck, sorry I'm late, but check out what I found! I think they'll help me stay in character...

MILES. Hey.

AGNES. Oh, hi.

MILES. Um ... I think I should go. AGNES. Why?

MILES. You're clearly... busy.

AGNES. Oh God, you know about this now, don't you?

MILES. Yep.

AGNES. You don't think I'm a dork, do you?

MILES. No, that's not what I'm thinking.

CHUCK. Hey man, you can join us if you want.

MILES. Say what?

CHUCK. I mean if you're comfortable. You could watch us for a bit and once you get a hang of it, just jump right in. I'll be easy on ya.

AGNES. Yeah, Chuck can be pretty rough. CHUCK. Please, call me Biggs. Cause I'm big. Where it

counts. So do you wauna play?

MILES. I'm gonna have to ... bye.

(MILES exits.)

AGNES. I'll call ya later? CHUCK. That guy really doesn't like D&D, does he?

5% SHE lULLS MONSTERS

Scene Nine

(AGNES enters back into the D&D world.)

AGNES. Tilly! Tilly, where are you? Check it out, I got myself some cool. ..

(As she enters, she catches TILLY and I...D.InI making out.)

Whoa, what the hell???

TIlLY. Oh, hey there, Agnes. Nice gloves. LIUI'H. What are you looking at? AGNES. What were you two doing? TnLY. I was, uh ...kissing my girlfriend. AGNES. Whoa! Wait just a minutel You two are a couple? LIUI'H. Does this upset you, lunch meat? AGNES. It upsets me that you don't know how to put on all

your clothes. LIUI'H. I'd advise not talking to me in such a tone.

AGNES. And I'd advise wearing a complete shirt next time you're MAKING OUT WITH MY SISTERl Oh, wait just a minute, I get it. You two are dating because "Tillius" is a guy character.

TIlLY. Tillius isn't a guy character. AGNES. Tillius is a guy's name. TIlLY. No. Tillius is a D&D name. I'm female, she's female,

and we're lovers. AGNES. So your character's gay? LIUI'H. As am I.

(KALIOPE and ORCUS enter.)

KALlOPE. Me too.

ORCUS. I loves me the cock. AGNES. Wait, the big slacker demon is gay? KALlOPE. As is everyone in New Landia. Well, everyone

except for you, Agnes the Ass-hatted. AGNES. Why is that?

•

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

KALlOPE. Well, maybe it's because you haven't met the right girl yet

AGNES. NO, that's not what I meant. I mean, why is every- one here gay?

KAUOPE. Because it was the will of the creator. AGNES. The will of the creator? TIlLY. Does that bother you, Agnes? AGNES. Tilly, why'd you make everyone gay? TILLY. Urn, I don't know. If I were to take an educated

guess, I'd venture to guess that maybe the author of this world was into wearing tanktops and The Indigo Girls.

AGNES. No. TIlLY. Yes. AGNES. Noooo. TIlLY. Yeeees. AGNES. NO! Wait. I need a time-out.

(AGNES wallts away from the group. TILLY follows. They are aWne together.)

TIlLY. Wow, I never took you for a homophobe. AGNES. I'm not a homophobe! TILLY. That's not what it looks like to me. AGNES. I have gay friends, I experimented in college, I vote

democrat, there's no way I'm anti-gay. TILLY. Then what's with the denial? AGNES. What's with not giving your girlfriend a full cos-

tume? TIlLY. She's a she-deviI. AGNES. She's dirty. TIlLY. I didn't think this would upset you like it does. AGNES. I thought I knew you, Tilly. At least good enough

to know whether you dug boys or girls at this point in your life.

TIlLY. You were busy.

54 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Not too busy to know this! Tilly, this is bullshit I'm your sister. I shouldn't have to learn about you through a role-playing game.

TIILY. At least you're getting to learn something about me. AGNES••..

TIILY. We should get back on the road. Are you coming?

AGNES. Fine. TnLY. Lilith! Kaliope! Orcus!

Where are they?

AGNES. Oh, it looks like they're over there, taking a nap.

(Lights come up on ULlTH, KALIOPE, and ORCUS all lying on the floor unconscious.)

TIILY. Elves and demons don't sleep. AGNES. They don't? So I guess them being unconscious

would be a bad thing, right?

(Explosive lights and sound as 1WO CHEERLEADERS [EVIL GABSI AND EVIL TINA] walk onto stage in an impressive musical number.)

(They look normal cheerleaders, except they have sharp teeth, bat wings, and blnod all over their mouths.)

TIlLY. Oh crap. AGNES. What? 1llLY. Succubusl AGNES. Suck what bus? TILIX. Succubus. Demon girls from the demon world who

like to do demonic things like sucking. AGNES. Are they a boss? TIILY. No. They're just really mean. AGNES. So do we fight them? TIlLY. No, we run. Gol

(They try to run away, but TnLY gets cornered.)

EVll. GABBI. Not so fast there, nerd.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TIlLY. Hey guys, what's up? EVIL TINA. Were you just looking at me? TIlLY. No. Not specifically. I was just looking, you know, in

your general direction and then you stepped into my line of... fleeing.

EVIL GABBI. I think she's lying. EVIL TINA. I hate liars. TIlLY. I'm not lying! AGNES. Hey, what are you guys doing?

(AGNES marches right up to the two huUies. EVIL TINA however grabs AGNES by the throat and just holds her there.)

TIlLY. Let her go! EVIL GABBI. I think the reason why she was looking at you,

Evil Tina, is because she has the hots for you. TIlLY. That's not true. EVIL TINA. Are you saying I'm ugly? TIlLY. No. EVIL TINA. Then do you think I'm pretty? TIlLY. Vh ... EVIL TINA. I don't understand "uh." I don't speak "uh."

(EVIL TINA begins bearing dmvn on AGNES.)

AGNES. Owwww! EVIL TINA. I don't speak "ow" either. TILLY. No, I do I dol I think you're very pretty, you're so

pretty! EVIL TINA. Of course you think I'm pretty...you dyke! EVIL GABBI. Sorry, Evil Tina is just really sensitive about her

looks. EVIL TINA. Shut up, Evil Gabbil EVIL GASBI. She doesn't mean to be mean to you. I like

you. I do. Do you want to join our club? TILLY. What club is that? EVIL GABBI. The awesome Evil Club!

•

56 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TIlLY. Vb ... EVIL TINA. Again with the "uh's"!

AGNES. Owwww!

TIlLY. Okay, I would love to join.

EVILGADBI. Okayl Sit right here and don't turn around.

(EVIL TJNA and EVIL GADBI start whispering and laughing with each other as TD..LY sits staring in the opposite di~tion.)

(She tries to steal a jJe8k.) I said not to turn around you stupid trolH

TIlLY. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(EVIL TINA and EVIL GARBI come up with a plan. They tum and Wok at TIlLY with an evil smile.)

EVIL GADBL Okay, all you have to do to get into the awe- some evil club is to make out with me for one whole minute.

TIlLY. What?

EVIL GADBI. What do you say?

TIlLY. Vh- AGNES.OWWWl

TILLY. Okay.

EVIL GADBI. Yummy.

(EVIL GADBI leans in.)

(TIUY closes her eyes and leans forward to kiss EVIL GARBI.)

(Suddenly, out-of-nowhere, EVIL TINA kicks TIlLY in the faa.)

EVIL TINA. I knew you were gay! EVIL GADB!. Hahaha. Dyke, you're so in love with mel

EVIL TINA. Here, why don't you make-out with your sister?

(EVIL TINA throws AGNES on top ofTIlLY.)

EVIL GADBI. Oh God, you two are so gross.

(AGNES and TILLY worlcs her way back up to herfeet.)

•

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. And you two going to die I

(Both the SUCCUBUS smik and begin laughing. Their laughter consumes AGNES and TILLY who jall to the ground laughing. Their laughter becomes painful and then be,comes agony as they writhe on the ground.)

(The SUCCUBUS walk around looking at their victims.)

EVIL TINA. We'll see you around. Lesbians.

(The SUCCUBUS skiP away, holding hands.)

(AGNES gets up and walks over to TIll-Y.)

AGNES. Are you okay?

TIll-Y.No.

(rIll-Y runs away.)

,... 'I

58 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Ten

(VERA:r o~e)

AGNES. Hey, Vera, you're not going to believe -

(AGNES is stopped when she sees LIUI'H from the game sitting at VERA's dlsk. Exapt this Lilith is in regular school clothes and glosses.)

LILITH. Sorry, Miss Martin just stepped out.

(AGNES looks around to make SUn! she snot in the D&D game.)

AGNES. What are you doing here?

LILITH. What do you mean? AGNES. What are you doing here?

LILITH. I work here. AGNES. You're real? LILITH. Huh?

(AGNES realizes she must sound crazy.)

AGNES. Sorry, that must sound crazy. LILITH. No, not at all ...

So how can I help you?

AGNES. You just sona look like someone I sona... don't know.

LILITH. Yeah, I caught that.

AGNES. So where's Miss Martin?

LILlTH. She's ... uh .. .I don't know. She never tells me any- thing. She just handed me a bunch of papers to sort so, thusly, I'm sorting.

AGNES. You're a student here? LILITH. What gave it away?

AGNES. I teach English III. lJUI'H. Yeah, I know who you are. A bunch of my friends

have you. I got Ms. Gates tho. AGNES. Delaine? Yeah, she's great.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

LIUfH. If you don't mind the smell of Patchoulli all the time.

AGNES. Tell me about it, she can stink out a teacher's lounge faster than Coach Francone.

LILI1lI. So you're, urn ...Tilly's sister, huh?

AGNES. You knew her? LILI1lI. Well, sure. I mean I was at her...um...you know.

AGNES. Oh right, her whole class came out. That was really sweet of you guys to do that.

LILIm. She was ... she was awesome, Miss Evans. Tilly, I mean. I loved her.

AGNES. You did?

LILI1lI. Yeah.

AGNES. I didn't catch your name.

LnJTH. I'm Lilly. AGNES. Wait, your name's Lilly?

LILI1lI. Uh, yeah. AGNES. As in Lilith? LILI1lI. Actually it's short for Elizabeth - AGNES. So this was real. LnJTH. What. was real? AGNES. You and Tilly...you two were real.

LnJTH. I'm not following - AGNES. You two dated!

LILI1lI. WHAT? No! AGNES. No, you can tell me.

UUTH. Look, Miss Evans, I didn't date Tilly! I like boys. I !l'Wear.

AGNES. No, this explains so much. Of course, you were together.

LnJTH. No, we weren't.

AGNES. You don't have to hide it! LILI1lI. I'm not.

AGNES. TELL MEl

40 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

(VERA enters.)

VERA. Hey! What's with all the excitement? AGNES. This is Tilly's girlfriend! VERA. What? LILITH. No, I'm notI VERA. Lilly, go get me a coffee. Here take my keys and go

grab me a coffee, okay? Thank you, ba-byel Agnes, what are you doing?

AGNES. She was Tilly's girlfriend. VERA. Okay, one, I don't think so. 1Wo, even if she was,

having a teacher basically scream out "you're a les- bian" in the middle of my office isn't the best way to coax her out of the closet. And, three, are those my gloves?

AGNES. Look, she might be the only link I have left to - VERA. I know, Agnes. But, look at me, that is a 17 year-old

girl who's been dating a member of that Athens High football team for over a year. If she's in the closet, she's in there deep.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Eleven

(Lights come up on TILLY. AGNFS approaches.)

AGNFS.Hey.

TILLY. Hey. AGNFS. What happened back there with the evil Cheer-o-

stititutes? TILLY. What did it look like? AGNFS. Did that sorta stuff really happen? I mean in real

life? TILLY. I was a dorky fifteen year-old closeted lesbian, what

do you think? AGNFS. SO how come you had to make a game to tell me

all this? TILLY. I didn't want to tell you all this if that's what you're

wondering. This game was supposed to be private. AGNFS .

TILLY .

AGNFS. I met Lilly, by the way. The real one. TILLY. Dh yeah? AGNFS. Yeah.

She's straight, isn't she?

TIlLY. I don't know. AGNFS. It must have been hard. TILLY. I guess. AGNFS. Tilly, you can talk to me - TILLY. I'm not really her, / you know? CHUCK. You know? AGNFS. What? CHUCK. Look, I can only extrapolate so much, but this is

feeling a bit blasphemous. AGNFS. I was talking to my sister, do you mind? CHUCK. Agnes, I'm all for role-playing, but this is a bit

deeper than I usually get.

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AGNES. Play the role, Chuck.

CHUCK. But Agnes -

AGNES. PLAY IT!

CHUCK. Okay. Look, there's something in here that I think you should see -

AGNES. Do it in character.

CHUCK Ie TIU.Y. Agnes ... Can you do me a favor?

AGNES. What?

TIU.Y. I wrote something for Lilly. In here. Can you give it to her?

(CHUCK pulls an envelnpe out from insitk the notebook and hands it to AGNES.)

AGNES. What is this?

CHUCK Ie TIU.Y. It's for her.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Twelve

(MILFS enters VERA 1 offiu.)

MILlS. Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? VERA. What are you doing here?

MILlS. I need advice. VERA. Are you looking to return to high school? MILlS.No. VERA. Are your grades slipping? MILlS. No. VERA. Then I have nothing to advise you on. I'm a high

school guidance councilor, Miles, not your therapist. MILlS. You're my bestfriend.

VERA. I'm your girlfriend's bestfriend. You, I don't like so much at all.

(STEVE, a student, enters timidly.)

STEVE. Hi, Miss Martin. Is this a bad time? MILES. YES. VERA. No. Come on in, Stephen. STEVE. Hi.

MILlS. Hey. VERA. So what can I do for you? MILES. Agnes is cheating on me with a high school kid! VERA. I was talking to Stephen.

Stephen, how can I help you?

STEVE. Well, I was thinking about dropping out of the marching band, but scared it might affect my college applications since it's really my only extracurricular activity.

MILlS. Kid, that shit don't matter. VERA. Miles t MU..ES. But you know what does matter? Your girlfriend

hooking-up with a high school student!

44 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

VERA. Miles, have some perspective herel Can you see how this might be inappropriate conversation to be having in front of a student.

STEVE. I agree. VERA. Shut up, Stephen.

STEVE. Alright MIUS. So what do I do?

VERA. Break up with her.

MIUS. Really?

VERA. Yes, really. Be honest with me, Miles, it took you five years to even ask her to move in with you, it's not like you're that committed to her in the first place.

MIUS. That's not true.

VERA. Stephen, if you were dating Miss Evans for five years, what do you think the next logical step would be?

SI'EVE. Miss Evans? Well, she is really pretty. MIUS. Yo, what is up with high school boys digging on my

girlfriend? SI'EVE. I don't dig. Ijust acknowledged.

VERA. What would you do, Stephen? SI'EVE. I...uh .. .I guess I'd ask her to marry me? VERA. See what I'm saying?

MIUS. Who asked you? STEVE. Miss Martin did. MILES. Well, it doesn't matter either way, because she's

cheating on me. VERA. Miles, she's not cheating on you.

MILFS. I met him. She admitted it. He's her "secret friend." VERA. Yeah, I know.

MILFS. You know?

VERA. He's her Dungeon Master. MILFS. He brings her into a dungeon? VERA.Jesus Christ, Miles, NOI He's a 0&0 dork. He's the

guy who roles the dice and shit.

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STEVE. Actually, in a typical D20 role-playing scheme, the adventurer also roles the dice -

VERA. Shut up, Stephen. MILES. She's playing D&D? STEVE. Miss Evans plays D&D? Wow. Cool. MILES. Don't you even think about it, kid. STEVE. Um, so about my conundrum. VERA. What conundrum? STEVE. About the marching band. VERA. Oh right. Yeah, that stuff doesn't really matter.

Get back to class.

STEVE. Thank you? MILES. You really suck at your job. VERA. And you really suck at being a boyfriend. STEVE. Well, I think you both suck.

46 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Thirteen

KALIOPE. What's wrong, Agnes the Ass-hatted? By the droop of your shoulders and your downward gaze, it would indicate you are troubled somehow.

AGNES. Wow. Observant. KALlOPE. Was that sarcasm? AGNES. No. KALIOPE. My apologies, Agnes. We Elves may have

heightened speed, agility, strength, and attractiveness - AGNES. And you're also humble to boot. KALlOPE. But we're lacking in "emotional awareness." AGNES. What? Are you like a robot or something? KALlOPE. No, we're Elves. We're above emotions. That's a

human trait. AGNES. Well, color me envious right about now. KALlOPE. What troubles you, Agnes the Ass-hatted? AGNES. I joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to

help her, but I don't think she needs me at all. KALIOPE. Well, I don't think she needs help from most

people. She is a 20th level Paladin after all. If anything, we travel with her for we often require her help.

AGNES. Wow, Elf, you're really bad at giving advise. KALlOPE. I apologize. Would you like to copulate with me

now? AGNES. What? KAlJOPE. I think it would make you feel better. I hear you

humans like to do such things. AGNES. CHUCKl I'm not going to have sex with the Elf-

girl! CHUCK. What? I don't want to see you have sex with the

sexy Elf-girl? Why would I want to see that? Ew, gross, hot-girl on hot-girl action. Your sister must have wrote that out. I mean, that's so gay and I'm so... straight

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Are you done?

(AGNES turns back to KAUOPE wlw leans in for a kiss.)

Whoa, what are you doing?

KAllOPE " CHUCK. (whispers) Nothing! AGNES. Let's get back to the group, shall we?

CHUCK. You return back to your party who are all at the foot of the Mountain of Steepness. But before you can move forward, you spy something ahead of you. It's big, cube-shaped, and gelatinous!

(Lights come up on a GELATINOUS CUBE as the rest of AGNES spari step up besilk her.)

AGNES. Ew, what is that?

KAUOPE. Oh that? That, my dear human friend, is Boss Number Two. Miles the Gelatinous Cube!

AGNES. What?

(AdventumSTEVE enters.)

SI'EVE. It is I, the great Mage Steve and I. .. oh neat, a jello mold!

(The GELATINOUS CUBE sucks down STEVE... )

Ahhhhhl

(... and spits mt bones and his armor.)

(The CUBE burps.)

AGNES. You made my boyfriend ~jello-mold in this game? TIlLY. What? No.

KAllOPE. You actually did.

ULITH. The Elf is correct, Love. You indeed made Agnes the Ass-Hatted's lover into a big cube of demonic gela- tine.

ORCUS. So, hold up, that thing isn't edible?

KAllOPE.No.

ORCUS. Dammit, and I got the munchiesl

AGNES. Why'd you make Miles a flesh-eatingjello-mold?

TIlLY. I don't know.

48 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Tilly! TILLY. Maybe because he sucks.

AGNES. I thought you liked him. TILLY. Yeah, I loved watching you two make-out everyday in

our living room to the Cranberries CD.

AGNES. We weren't listening to the Cranberries. It was 10,000 Maniacs.

TILLY. Oh, I'm sorry, that's so much less lame.

AGNES. Whatever, he's my boyfriendl TILLY. He's a fart-knocker.

AGNES. He liked you. TILLY. He touched me.

AGNES. What!?!

(silRme)

TILLY. Okay, no, he didn't. But he mighta. AGNES. That's not funny.

TILLY. "That's not funny."

AGNES. Seriously, that's not something to joke about. TILLY. "Seriously, that's not something to joke about"

AGNES. Real mature. TILLY. "Real mature."

AGNES. Stop that! TILLY. "Stop that!"

UUI'H. Though I find you mocking your sister like a five year-old incredibly sexy, shouldn't we, you know, kill this thing before it kills us.

AGNES.Nol

TILLY. See, and once again, you're choosing your boyfriend over me.

KALIOPE. Your boyfriend is a gelatinous cube? Gross. ORCUS. Ya know what? I'd fuck it.

It might feel good. It's slick.

AGNES. This isn't fair, Tilly, and you know it.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TIlLY. I thought you were here to save my soul. I guess you didn't mean it. Quest is over, guys! We lost. The last adventure I win ever take ended in a forfeit!

AGNFS. Stop. TIlLY. Why? So I can watch you run off and move in with

Slimy McSlimerface over there and forget all about me?

AGNFS. I would never forget about you. TIlLY. You did when I was alive. ORCUS. Oh snap, she went there! TIlLY. So are we giving up or what? AGNFS. Fine. Whatever. It's clearly not my boyfriend, right?

You just named him that. Miles isn't actually green, slimy, and cube-shaped.

LIUI'H. So are we going to kill it or not?

AGNFS. Fine. Let's fight it. TIlLY. Really?

AGNFS. Really. TILLY. Alright! You hear that, Miles! We're gonna kill the

crap out of you I AG~. Can we not call it "Miles"? TIlLY. Sure. I don't have to can it "Miles."

(Suddenly the GELATINOUS CUBE transforms into the ru;tual human MILES.)

AGNFS. What the hell? TnLY. Oh, I don't think Boss number two was actually a

gelatinous cube. LIUI'H. It's a shape-shifter.

KAIJOPE. A doppelganger to be exact. TIlLY. So go kill it, sis. Yay!

('rILLY jJ'I.lShes AGNFS forward.)

CHUCK. BOSS FIGHT NUMBER TWO: AGNES VERSUS MILES THE DOPPELGANGERlll

AGNFS. You're not actually him - you're not actually him.

50 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

MILES. Hey, baby, how ya doing? Have you finished packing the apanmentjust yet?

AGNES. Vh, not yet.

(MILES hits her in the face.)

MILES. Well, get to it! AGNES. This is not fair, Tillyl TILLY. It's a boss, it's not supposed to be fair. AGNES. You're not actually Miles. MILES. Don't tell me who I amI

(MILES hits her again.)

AGNES. Seriously, are you guys not going to help? LIUI'H,IWJOPE, ORCUS, It TILLY. (~libbing) No, not really.

You look like you got it handled. I don't want to step in between a lovers' fight. It's really none of my busi- ness.

AGNES. You guys suck. MILES. Hey, baby, why don't you say hi to my little -

(MILFS goes to punch AGNES again, this time she catches his fist.)

AGNES. Actually, asshole, I don't care who look like, nobody hits me.

(AGNES hits MILES.)

(They fight. AGNES kills MILES.)

'JULY. Wow. And I was just starting to like that guy. Too bad. Let's go.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Fourteen

(.EVn.. TINA and EVIL GABBI enter. Except they aren't evil this time, they're just students. No wings or horns or bloody rrwuths, just regular cheerleaders. And they're super chipper and nice.)

EVIL TINA. Hello, Miss Evans! EVILGABBI. Do you have a moment? AGNES. Vh. Sure. EVIL TINA. We're selling Ads for this year's yearbook and

we wondering if you'd be interested in buying an Ad? AGNES. Why would I want to do that? I'm not selling any-

thing. EVIL GABBI. It doesn't have to be a literal Ad. EVIL TINA. It could just be a, "Congratulations to the Class

of95!" EVIL GABBI. Or an encouraging message to your graduat-

ing students. EVIL TINA. Or a dedication to a loved one who would be

graduating this year ... EVIL GABBI. (whispers) TINA! EVIL TINA. (t,Q GABBI) Shhh.

(to AGNES) So what do you think? AGNES. You were in the same class as my sister, right? EVIL TINA. Yes. EVIL GABBI. Me and Tina loved her. EVIL TINA. She was ... such a good spirit. Wouldn't you

agree, Gabbi? EVIL GABBI. Totally. She always knew how to make someone

smile. EVIL TINA. We were both just devastated when we found

out. I mean we didn't hang out after school alot, but- EVIL GABBI. We'd both consider her a very close friend. AGNES. Is that right?

•

52 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

EVIL TINA. Not to be too bold, but I think buying a full page Ad for Tilly would be .. Just amazing.

EVIL GABBI. We could even help you with it? AGNES. Oh yeah? EVIL TINA. I write poetry. EVIL GABBI. And I draw. EVIL TINA. We could put something nice in there for her. EVIL GABBI. What do you think? AGNES. Can I see your yearbook there? EVIL TINA. Of course.

(AGNES violently throws it against the walls. The pages fly werywhm.)

AGNES. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CLASSROOMlll EVIL TINA. Yes, ma'am. EVIL GABBI. Sorry to bother youl

(The TWO GIRLS run out.)

(rILLY enters.)

TIlLY. That seemed really effective. AGNFS. What am I supposed to do, Tilly? I can't beat up

students. TIlLY. I woulda. AGNES••.•

TIlLY. Agnes ... AGNES•. ,.

TIlLY. Agnes ... AGNES•...

TIlLY. Are you still mad at me for making you kill your boy- friend?

AGNES. That trick was really uncool. TIlLY. Miles is really uncool. AGNES. I love him. TIlLY. Then how come you're not married to him? AGNES. I'm 25, I don't need to be married.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

TIlLY. Yeah, but 25 in Ohio-time is like geriatric, it's like super old, it's like 30. Shouldn't you already have a kid? Or two?

AGNES. Well, it doesn't matter, cause neither one of us is ready.

TIlLY. Whatever you say.. , AGNES•...

TIUY•...

AGNES. Am I going crazy? TILLY. Join the club.

•

54 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Fifteen

AGNES. So where were we? CHUCK. Let me see ...

You and your party are climbing the mountain of steep- ness when suddenly you run back into ...

(MILES enters.)

MILES. Hey.

CHUCK. Your boyfriend? No, that's not right.

AGNES. Hey.

MILES. Am I interrupting anything?

CHUCK. Well, sorta.

MILES. Were you guys playing...Dungeons and Dragons? AGNES. Yeah.

MILES. Cool. AGNES. We weren't having kinky Dungeon sex if that's what

you were wondering.

CHUCK. What? That was an option? AGNES. No.

MILES. Vera told you, huh?

AGNES. Yep.

MILES. I misinterpreted.

AGNES. With a high schooler?

MILES. Well, he is really big for his age.

CHUCK. I'm not big. Maybe you're just small. Small guy.

MILES. Are you mad at me?

AGNES. I'm not happy.

MILES. Okay, that's fair, but you're not mad.

AGNES. Well, keep asking that question and we'll see.

MILES. Well, I came by because I thought, maybe, we could go back to our new place and stan unpacking some boxes.

AGNES. I'm still not finished packing Tilly's room.

;

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

MlU'S. No, what I'm saying is maybe we can go ... back... to OUR new place and, you know, do some unpacking. I have something special planned that you might like.

AGNES. Like what? MIU'S. Like ...special. CHUCK. I think he's implying sex. AGNES. Thank you, Chuck. CHUCK. But the unpacking analogy is really confusing. AGNES. I'm busy, Miles. MIU'S' You're just playing a game. AGNES. It's more than that

MIU'S' Can it not wait for just one night? AGNES. No.

MILES. Well, okay, how about Friday? Can we hang out on Friday?

AGNES. I don't know... MILES. I thought you said you weren't mad. AGNES. I'm not mad. I'm just focused on this right now. MILES. Baby, come on. AGNES. I'm not in the mood for - CHUCK. Hey, do you want to play?

MILES. What? AGNES. Huh? CHUCK. Yeah, you should play. I mean if you want to hang

out, let's hang. I mean you can't do any worse than Agnes here, right? She sucks.

AGNES. He doesn't want to play. MlU'S. Actually, I would. I would like to play, Chuck. AGNES. What are you doing? MIU'S. This is important to you and I want to be part of it. AGNES. It's private though. MlU'S. I know. But you never talk to me about Tilly or your

parents or any of it. I just.. .if this could help me get to know you better, I wanna try. Please.

56 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. You're for real? MILFS.I am.

(AGNES thinks it aver... )

AGNES. Fine. Roll him up a character sheet.

. (CHUCK rolls dices as Tn.LY, KALIOPE, LnJ1lI, and ORCUS enter.)

LILITH. Agnes, behind youl

KAUOPE. Boss Number Twol

AGNES. It's okayl ORCUS. Dude, if that thing is that hard to kill, I give up

now.

AGNES. NOI This is not Boss Number Two. This is Miles, the real Miles, my boyfriend.

11I.LY. What's he doing here?

AGNES. He wanted to come.

11I.LY. We already have five people in our party.

AGNES. He wants to get to know you.

11I.LY. It's not really the same thing, now is it?

ORCUS. Bout time we got some more testosterone into this estrogen party. What's up? I'm Orcus, resident "horny dude."

MILFS. So this is Dungeons and Dragons, huh? Neat. 11I.LY. You're not serious.

AGNES. Look, you may not like him, but at least I know he has my back.

11I.LY. We have your back.

AGNES. Right, just like last time when you made me KILL MY BOYFRIEND?

MILFS. You killed me?

AGNES. No, Ijust killed a big fat blob that looked like you.

MILFS. I look like a big fat blob?

11I.LY. If you got in trouble, we would have stepped in.

KAUOPE.Assuredlr LILITH. I wouldn't have.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

ORCUS. No way. TILLY. Guys, you're not helping. AGNFS. So what's the next thing we have to fight? KAUOPE. The next boss is a Beholder.

AGNES. Aw, that sounds cute. Like "Beauty is in the eye of... "

('m.LY, KAlJOPE, ORCUS, and LILI1H look at each other.)

TILLY, KALlOPE, ORCUS, LILITH. (adrlibbing) No. Nope. Not the same thing. That thing is ugly. Like it will kill the crap out of you. So scary. Just one big scary eyeball with teeth.

MILFS. Trust me, babe. Whatever it is, we're going to be fine. I'm here now.

(explosion)

(The SUCCUBI [EVIL GASHI Be EVIL TINA] are back.)

(rIUX, KAUOPE, ORCUS, LILITIi, and AGNFS aU faU into defensive stances as MILES just stands there.)

EVIL GASHI. Oh my God, Evil Tina, look! An impenetrable wall of losers.

EVIL TINA. How will we ever get past them?

AGNFS. Miles, get back!

MILES. Why? TILLY. Get back behind us, dummy!

MILES. Guys, they're just two cute little girls. What are they going to do?

(EVIL TINA and EVIL GASHI let out a Zittk cute school- girl kJugh.)

EVIL TINA Be EVIL GASHI. Heeheeheel

(... andEVIL TINA rips out his heart and licks it.)

(MILES faUs to the ground dead.)

EVIL TINA. Yummy, I was looking for a snack. TILLY. Well, he didn't last long.

58 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Tilly, shoot them with a magic missile. TIlLY. I can't.

AGNES. What do you mean you can't? TIlLY. I forgot the spell.

AGNES. What do you mean you forgot the spell? TIlLY. It's a thing. It's not going to help us. EVIL GABBI. How hungry are you, Evil Tina? EVIL TINA. Starving.

EVIL GABBI. What would you like first? Light or dark meant? EVIL TINA. I like ...the school teacher.

1JLl11I. I suggest we stop these succubi the old fashioned Wc:ly.

AGNES. And that would be?

1JLl11I. With violence, love. Lots and lots of violence. EVILANGEL Oh no, what will we fight them with? EVIL TINA. We're so unarmed.

(Adventurer STEVE mtm.)

STEVE. It is I, the great Mage Steve, returned to do battle with ...oh, hello ladies.

(The SUCCUBUS riP offhis arms.) EVIL TINA. I guess that answers that.

(TILLY'S party attacks. A huge fight ensues. The SUCCUBI fight with STEVE :s- severed limbs until they can disarm and get real weapons from TIlLY:S- group.) (I'I1ll' gets cornerm b-J the SUCCUBI.)

EVIL TINA. Awww, look at the little nerd girl. EVIL GABBI. Are you going to pee your pants. TIlLY. No. EVIL TINA. Say goodbye, lezzie.

1JLl11I. No!

(UUrH runs to helP TD..LY but is killed by one of the SUCCUBUS.)

TIlLY. LILITH!!!

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

EVn. TINA. Awww, did your girlfriend just die? EVIL GABBI. Aw, that's so sad. Aren't they just so sad?

(They both laugh mockingly at TILLY and the dead LIUI'H.)

(AGNES, KAUOPE, and ORCUS get back on their feet.)

ORCUS. I don't see what's so funny. AGNES. You'll just be joining her in two seconds. KAUOPE. Prepare to be ushered to your death. EVIL TINA. You can't hope to beat us. EVILGABBI. We're way too powerful for you. ORCUS. Who said we were going to do it with our fists? KAUOPE. There's only one way to beat a succubus. AGNES. We challenge you ... to a dance battle. CHUCK. BONUS ROUND: AGNES, THE ELF, AND ORCUS

VERSUS THE EVIL SUCCUBI CHEERLEADERS!!!

(Music like C&C Music Factory's "Gonna Make you Sweat" fills the lwuse as the two crews go at it in afull- on cheerletu1P'esque dance battle.r (AGNES's crew starts it out. They look good... comedic and funny, but stiU good.)

(The two SUCCUBI look at each other unimpressed by AGNES :s- skiUs. They smile, step in and start doing an elaborate Cheerleading/hip-hop fusion routine that com. pletely kiUs it.)

(Thinking they've won, they raise their arms in victory. "When they do though, AGNES, ORCUS, and KAlJOPE Pick up their weapons and drive it through them while they're not ltJoking!)

EVn. TINA. No fair!

EVIL GABBI. You cheated.

(The SUCCUBI die.)

(TILLY runs back to lJI.J'IH:S- side as everyone watches on.)

* Please see Music Use Note on Page 3.

60 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Can we resurrect her?

KALlOPE. No. Tillius used that spell to save you.

AGNES. But you're magical, do something.

KALlOPE. I don't have that kind of magic.

AGNES. Orcus?

ORCUS. I only keep souls. I don't put them back.

AGNES. CHUCK!

(Cut to... )

CHUCK. What?

AGNES. Bring her back.

CHUCK. I can't.

AGNES. You killed her girlfriend, now bring her back.

CHUCK. I didn't kill her. She jumped in the way. I rolled the dice, it says she died.

AGNES. Screw the dice, just save her!

CHUCK. I can't.

AGNES. Bring her back, Chuckl I'm not kidding. Bring Lilith back.

CHUCK. I can't. Not for this adventure. There's rules.

AGNES. What rules? You're the DM, you make the rules.

CHUCK. No, I don't. TSR makes the rules.

AGNES. Who the hell is TSR?

CHUCK. They're the ones who made the game.

AGNES. I don't care what you have to do, Chuck. Just bring her back. Now.

MILFS. (sits up.from where he was lying tkad) Hey, baby. Um, maybe you should take a breather. I just died and I'm fine.

AGNES. No, I'm not going to let my sister just suffer like this.

MILFS. It's not actually your sister. AGNES. Shut up!

MILES. Babe:

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Are you going to bring her back? cHuCK. I'm sorry. AGNES. No! Wrong fucking answer!

(AGNES flips the kitchm tabk. AU the D&D papers fly everywhere. )

MILES. Agnes ...

(nLLY mters.)

TILLY. Stop. AGNES. Go away. TILLY. They're right, you know. AGNES. Shut up. TILLY. It's just a game. AGNES. I was getting to know you. I was just starting to get

to know you. TILLY. My character's not dead. AGNES. But you are.

TILLY. Agnes. AGNES. This is a stupid game and you're not real and none

of this matters because you died. TILLY. Agnes. AGNES. Chuck, I'm done.

CHUCK. What? AGNES. Thank you so much for indulging me.

I'll call you if! change my mind. But I'm done talking to ghosts.

6% SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Sixteen

(VERA :s offia) (AGNES walks in.)

VERA. How's the packing coming along? AGNES. It's alright, I guess. VERA. Miles says you had a bit of a meltdown. AGNES. When did you two become buddy-buddy? VERA. He came by. Wanted my help on something.

Hey. What's up?

AGNES. I'm just in a funk. VERA. Agnes, it's me. I'm not your stupid man. Talk to me. AGNES. It's stupid. VERA. You're talking to the girl who has a Poison tattoo on

her ass. I know stupid. I inked stupid on my ass. I'm sure whatever stupid you're doing ain't gonna cost you a thousand dollars in lazer stupid removal.

AGNES. It was just that game was all I had of her. Just a stupid character sheet and whatever she left scribbled out in that notebook.

VERA. That's not true - you have your memories - AGNES. My memories? My memories are shit.

Do you want to know what my memories of Tilly are? They're of this little nerdy girl who I never talked to, who I ignored, who I didn't understand because she didn't live in the same world as I did. Her world was filled with evil jello molds and lesbian demon queens and slacker Gods while mine ... had George Michaels and leg-warmers. I didn't get her. I asswned I would one day - that she'd grow out of all this, - that I'd be able to sit around and ask her about normal things like clothes and tv shows and boys ... and as it turns out, I didn't even know she didn't even like boys until my DM told me so.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

VERA. It's okay, Agnes. AGNES. No, it's not.

I didn't know her, Vera. That breaks my heart. I remem- ber her as a baby, I remember her as this little toddler I loved picking up and holding, but I don't remember her as a teen at all. I'll never get tlle chance to remem- ber her as an adult. And now all I have left is this stupid piece of paper and this stupid made-up adventure about killing a stupid made-up dragon.

VERA. Agnes, baby...

(CHUCK appears at the door.)

CHUCK. Agnes - I mean Miss Evans - um, do you have a moment?

AGNES. What are you doing here, Chuck? CHUCK. I, um, wanted to return you this.

(CHUCK hands AGNES the module.)

AGNES. Thank you. CHUCK. I was also wondering ifyou were free this afternoon. AGNES. Are you asking me out? CHUCK. I can do that? VERA. She was being sarcastic. AGNES. What do you want, Chuck? ClWCK. I just wanted to show you something. It's some-

thing of Tilly's. AGNES. What?

(AGNES gets up andfollnws CHUCK) (Cut to... )

(A door appears.)

(CHUCK knocks on it.)

Where is this? CHUCK. This is a friend's house. AGNES. Who?

64 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

(The door opens, it~ ORCUS •..jwt dmsed as a normal High School kid though.)

ORCUS. What's up, home-slice.

AGNES. arcus?

CHUCK. Actually... this is Ronnie.

ORCUS. Hey, wow. Older girl. At my house.

Sweet.

CHUCK. I just wanted you to meet some of Tilly's friends. Ronnie, this is who I was telling you about.

ORCUS. Whoa, you're Tilly's sister?

CHUCK. Yeah.

ORCUS. You are a total hottie!

CHUCK. Uh, Ronnie?

ORCUS' What, dude?

CHUCK. Outside voice.

ORCUS. I'm saying stuff outloud I should just keep in my head again, right?

CHUCK. Yeah.

ORCUS. Sorry. CHUCK. So is your sister around? ORCUS. Yeah. Lemme get her.

You guys can come in if you want, just don't touch the 'lV, I'm recording Power Rangers!

(They enter his Juruse.)

AGNES. You really didn't do much to make him different. He's basically the same except not red ... and straight.

CHUCK. Here's a picture of his sister.

AGNES. Kaliope.

CHUCK. Kelly, actually.

AGNES. Wow. Is she actually hotter in real life?

CHUCK. Yeah, she's pretty.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. So what are you trying to show me here? That my sister was really good at drawing up her friends?

CHUCK. Not exactly.

(Ronnie [ORCUSj returns with his sister Ktlly [KAUOPEj. She's wheekhair bound.)

KAUOPE. What's up, Chuck? CHUCK. Hey there, hot stuff! KAUOPE. Who's this? CHUCK. Tilly's sister. KAUOPE. Oh, hi! Nice to meet you. AGNES. Uh ... hi.

KAUOPE. What? Do I have something on my face?

AGNES. Urn, no, it's just. .. You play D&D with these guys?

KAUOPE. Yeah, well. My brother's always been into it, but it was actually your kid sister that convinced me give it a shot. I know it's dorky, right?

AGNES. Yeah, I guess. KAlJOPE. Your sister was awesome, Miss Evans. We loved

her. We really miss her. AGNES. Me too.

(rILLY mters.)

TIlLY. What are you doing?

(As AGNES and Tn.LY talk, in the background we see Ronnie and Kelly begin transforming back into their D&D charruters ofORCUS and KAUOPE.)

AGNES. I'm getting to know your friends. TIlLY. Are you judging them? AGNES. No. TIlLY. I know they're geeky, I'm geeky, we're all geeks.

AGNES. Why do you think I care about that stuff? TIlLY. Everyone else does or did. I mean until I died in a

car crash and then suddenly, wow, I'm the most popu- lar girl in school.

66 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Is that why all you guys play this? TnLY. No, we play it because it's awesome. It's about adven-

tures and saving the world and having magic. And maybe, in some small teeny capacity, I guess it might have a little to do with wish fulfillment Kelly gets to walk again and Ronnie gets to be super strong...

AGNES.VVhataboutyou?

TnLY.Me? I get the girl.

(Lights come up on the "real life" high schooler LILITH. AGNES approaches.)

AGNES. Hi.

LILITH. Hello, Miss Evans.

AGNES. Can we talk for a minute? I promise I'm not going to yell.

LILlTII. Okay.

AGNES. Look, I'm sorry about that outburst in Miss Martin's office, but I was dealing with something.

LILlTII. I get it.

AGNES. Look, I know you're not gay or was my sister's what- ever, but she wanted you to have this. It's a letter she wrote to you.

LILITH. VVhat does it say?

AGNES. It wasn't written to me. I don't know. Do want it?

LILITH. Yes.

(LIL1TH immediately opens it and reads it to herself.)

Thank you, Miss Evans.

AGNES. Have a good day.

LIUTH. Wait.

AGNES. Yeah?

LIUTH. I, uh ... I did know Tilly.

AGNES. I know. You were at her funeral.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

LIUI'H. No, I mean ...we were close. I mean, she wasn't my girlfriend or anything, but I always knew she was, you know, interested. And, well, maybe I could have been too, it's just I didn't know.. .I don't know. Anyways, you're not crazy. Tilly was my first kiss. I'm pretty sure I was hers too. I thought you'd might want to know that about your sister.

AGNES. Thank you for telling me.

LIUI'H. And Miss Evans - AGNES. Don't worry, Lily, I won't say a word to anybody.

LIUI'H. Thank you. I loved her.

(Lights fade on UIITH.)

AGNES. Okay, Chuck, I get it. Let's do this.

68 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

Scene Seventeen

(ORCUS, KALlOPE, and TIILY suddenly are all stand- ing beside AGNlS.)

(CHUCK is back in his DM seat.)

CHUCK. BOSS NUMBER THREE!!!l

(AU the fighters draw their weapons.)

VERA THE BEHOLDER!I!

(VERA 1HE BEHOLDER, a monsterous singh eye-ball monster with sharp shark-like teeth, enters the stage.)

VERA. HAHAHA! THERE IS NO WAYYOU CAN DEFEAT MEl I AM A BEHOLDERII I AND I WILL-

(AGNlS walks up and simply stabs it in the eye. It dies.)

AGNES. Well, that was super easy. So where's this dragon Tiamat? This is the right Castle of Evil, right?

TIILY. It's the right castle.

AGNES. So where is it?

lULY. Well, there's something you should know about Tiamat.

AGNES. What?

TIILY. It's a shapeshifter.

ORCUS. Like Miles the Gelatinous Cube.

AGNES. Okay?

KALlOPE. So it can take any form. TIILY. A friend.

ORCUS. A lover.

KALlOPE. Anybody.

(STEVE enters.)

STEVE. It is I, the great mage SteveI

(AGNES pulls out a knife and throws it at STEVE. It immediately kills him dead.)

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

AGNES. Take that, you ...dragon? He's, urn, not getting back up.

KALlOPE. He's not Tiamat. AGNES. If he's not then who is?

(Ln.ITH enters.)

LILITH. I don't know, love. Where could you possibly find a monster in this game?

AGNES. Lilith? LILI'IlI. I mean, look around, where oh where can all the

monsters be? TILLY. (pointing to ORCUS) Watch out, Agnes! Demonl LILITH. (pointing to KAUOPE) Oh no, a dark elf! KAUOPE. (pointing to LILITH) A Demon Queen! LILITH, ORCUS, lie KAUOPE. (all pointing to TD..LY) Tiamat! AGNES. What? 'JULY. Come on, Agnes! This is a D&D adventure. And

what would be an adventure if you didn't get to fight a dragon?

(mLY hands AGNES her sword.)

AGNES. Chuck? CHUCK. FINAL FIGHT! AGNES VERSUS TIAMATll!

(STEVE stands up and joins the otherfour. They all give devil'ish smiles as they all walA backwards into the dark- ness.)

(AGNES is akme.)

(Suddenly, the stage goes compktely dark.)

(Then we hearfootsteps. Large, heavy footsteps.)

(We hear the screech of something large and reptilian.)

(And then we see eyes. Bright red eyes. Five sets of them.)

(TIAMAT emerges from the darkness. The stage is filkd with smoke.)

(Suddenly TIAMAT attacks! AGNES and the five-headed dragon go at it in aU-out spectacularfight!)

70 SHE KILLS MONSTERS

(TIwugh the Tl.AMAT gets its licks in, in the end, AGNES is able to summon the strength to survive. She plungtS her sword into the heart of the beast.)

(It rnJfS back aU of its heads and thrashes around in a luud, and explnsive death.)

(It col/o,pses onto the stage dead.)

(As lights fade around them, a spotlight falls onto 1ULY.)

TIlLY. Good job. AGNES. Tilly? 1ULY. So did you have fun? AGNES. What?

TILLY. Did you have fun? That's the point in all this. Did you have fun?

(AGNES nods her head.)

Good.

(nLIX begins to exits.)

AGNES. Wait. You're not real. You're gone.

TnLY. But this story remains. And isn't that essentially all that life is - a collection of stories? This is one of mine ...

KALIOPE•.•. and not just some story that I experienced like a party or a dance or an event, but something I dreamt-

Ln.I'I1I. Something far more personal and important than happenstance. This story came from my soul and by breathing life into it, who knows?

ORCUS. Maybe a bit of my soul gets the chance to breathe for a moment once again.

CHUCK. I love you, my sister. 1ULY. I'm sorry I can't be there.

SHE KILLS MONSTERS

CHUCK. I have no idea why you had to experience this adventure alone without me. But I hope it gave you a glimpse into me the way I wanted you to see me-

ORCUS. Strong... LILITH. Powerful. .. KAIJOPE. And magical. CHUCK. Congratulations, you have finished the Quest for

the Lost Soul of Athens. NARRATOR. And so ...Agnes the Ass-hatted accomplished

her very first quest. Soon she would embark on another and then another and so forth and so on for the rest of her life. Miles the boyfriend who would soon become Miles the fiance and finally Miles the husband and father would join her on her many quests alongside Chuck the Big Brain'd and Tilly's old group of friends, Ronnie the Slacker, Kelly the not-so-good-Iegged, and Lily the Closeted. Tilly was never forgotten, Agnes got married, and eventually the world finally embraced nerds not as outsiders, but as awesome. Agnes moved out of that old house and brought the many memories of an average life with her. And this made her happy.

(Lights fade.)

End of Play