Psychology REFLECTION ASSIGNMENT

Chapter 5 RELATE OPENLY

Sharon and her college-freshman daughter texted back and forth one October day. Sharon gladly received her daughter’s upbeat messages peppered with smiley faces and heart emoticons. Her daughter seemed to be doing so well at college.

Actually, Sharon’s daughter had been crying and showing signs of depression. Later that night she even attempted suicide. Sharon was stunned to discover her daughter’s deep distress.

Sharon’s daughter used social media to paint a rosy picture of how she was adapting to college life.1 Probably to keep her mother from worrying—but also perhaps to avoid feeling shame—she misled her mother.

Like Sharon’s troubled daughter, we all sometimes fail to communicate honestly and openly. Sadly, many troubled persons hide their underlying fears, doubts, and even self-destructive desires. In order to achieve deeper, richer, more relational interpersonal communication, we have to work at being both transparent and honest.

On the one hand, the daughter should have been more open with her mother. On the other hand, perhaps the mother had created a relational climate that made it difficult for her daughter to confide in her. Both she and her daughter owed it to each other to be as truthful and transparent as possible even while protecting some personal privacy.

In this chapter we explain that faithful interpersonal communication involves mutual obligations to be true (faithful) to one another. Such faithfulness includes honesty (avoiding intentionally false statements) and transparency (revealing how we feel inside). The combination of honesty and transparency is authenticity, which results in interpersonal communicators, especially friends and family, who know one another. Finally, we discuss the importance of telling the truth, which nurtures trust in relationships.

Being True Communicators

Relationships involve mutual obligations—what we owe each other when we seek to be true to each other. One way to understand such obligations is to say that we should be faithful to one another. What did Sharon and her daughter owe each other in order for them to be faithful as mother and daughter? What do parents and adult children owe each other? What about close friends?

Faithfulness is critically important for every relationship. What do an employer and employee, for example, owe each other if they seek to be faithful? Specifically, what does a boss owe an employee who is being terminated? Does the employee have a right to a personal termination meeting—or is it acceptable to terminate someone via email? What does a student who cheated on an exam owe the teacher when the two of them meet to discuss the exam? How can a teacher and student be true to each other?

Often these communicative obligations are difficult to discern. They can be subjective, ethical issues that require moral reasoning about right and wrong. There are at least two things to remember about being true by communicating faithfully.

We communicate in the context of God’s ongoing love, especially the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

We depend on God to equip us, inspire us, and direct our communication. We’re not autonomous communicators. Even when our human relationships look grim, God can actively renew them by prompting us to listen humbly, nurturing gratitude in our hearts, and ultimately giving us the right words to say at the right times. The Spirit is always present in our interpersonal communication because he is present with us. We owe it to God to acknowledge daily his ongoing investment in our relationships. God loves us enough to be intimately present in our communication. Perhaps our consciences are a key way that the Spirit prompts us.

As soon as we slip into a kind of autonomous sense that we are completely in control of our communication, we are prone to become unfaithful, self-seeking communicators merely chasing our own desires. Often we fail to be faithful communicators because we wrongly assume that the Holy Spirit is absent. We forget God’s enduring love for us, and we depend only on our own abilities. We communicate with others as if God is not personally involved in our relationships.

Research shows an important correlation between how we communicate with God and how frequently and honestly we communicate with each other. Open, authentic communicators tend to be more spiritual—and vice versa.2 For instance, parents’ frequent and honest communication more positively impacts their adolescents’ spirituality than does any other parenting style. Parents’ attitudes toward their children, as evident in the parents’ communication, nurtures or suffocates their children’s communion with God.

God loves us partly by sending the Spirit to guide us; we love God, in return, by prayerfully seeking the promptings of the Spirit. Prayer is critically important for discerning how the Spirit is guiding our communication. In prayer we suppress our own egos and humbly seek the guidance of the Spirit. The question for us every day is not just “What would Jesus do?” but also “What is the Spirit already doing?” “What relationships is God opening up in my life?” “Who among my friends needs special encouragement today?” “Am I truly listening to my colleague or just thinking about what I need to accomplish?” Regular prayer—an ongoing, intimate relationship with God—helps us to remain mindful of the work of the Spirit throughout the day and to be true to our calling to follow Jesus Christ.

We communicate according to God’s will, especially his biblical commands.

Scripture is loaded with advice about how we should communicate if we aim to be responsibly true and transparent to God and neighbor. In fact, communication is one of the main topics in Proverbs. We owe it to God to learn and practice biblical communication.

The book of James, which emphasizes the importance of good works as evidence of faith, directly addresses how we should communicate. James compares our tongue to the rudder of a ship; our speech directs our lives, leading us on or off course.3

Being a faithful communicator is a dynamic calling to live obediently in relationship with God and neighbor. We need to know both how the Spirit is directing us and how God expects us to interact with others. Clearly this is much more than being a skilled communicator. We have to learn when, how, and why to use our skills in ways that will please God and demonstrate our love of neighbor and self.

COMMUNICATIVE WISDOM FROM THE BOOK OF JAMES

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (1:19).

“The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts” (3:5).

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness” (3:9).

“Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another” (4:11).

“Do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’” (5:12).

God calls us, especially through the teachings of Jesus Christ, to look to him for wisdom and discernment. Our vertical relationship with God forms our horizontal relationships with other persons. As spiritual theologian Eugene Peterson writes, we live “not by what we know, but by trusting in the God who is for us. We live not by moral projects but by obedient faith.”4 We owe it to God, neighbor, and self to faithfully communicate in tune with God’s Word.

Portraying Our True Self

Thanks to social media and digital editing software, it’s easier than ever to portray ourselves online in a flattering light. Every text, image, and sound is a chance to create a more positive representation of who we are. The daughter in the opening story of this chapter relied on these media to create a false sense that she was thriving in college.

One problem with self-showcasing, however, is that we can become pretty good at projecting a false self, a mask we wear partly to protect our inner, vulnerable self.5 In other words, the social self that we project is not always our true self—it’s inauthentic. When we’re authentic (transparent and honest), we say what we mean and mean what we say. When we’re inauthentic, we concoct a false social identity to hide our real self.

Also, self-showcasing creates a kind of competitive online environment in which people feel they don’t meet others’ standards. One-third of Facebook users report being unhappy after visiting the social networking site. Why? Facebook envy—comparing our own real life “with our ‘friends’’ glossy representations of themselves”—triggers a deep sense of inadequacy and discontentment. The more time we spend on Facebook, the more we think others are happier than we are. In comparison, the longer we interact face-to-face with friends, the less we think others are happier than we are.6

Meanwhile, image-making over time keeps us from living daily in a spirit of transparency. In order to protect ourselves from hurt or simply to impress others, we make it harder for others to know and love us. Ironically, the duplicitous images we create of ourselves undercut the very love and trust we desire from others.

PROJECTING A FALSE VERSUS TRUE SELF

False Self True Self

Hides Reveals

Traps Frees

Protects self Makes self vulnerable

Keeps people out Invites people in

Follows lies Seeks truth

Rejects giftedness Embraces giftedness

Sabotages trust Fosters trust

Pope Benedict XVI addresses the topic of self-duplicity in a profound public teaching. In “Truth, Proclamation and Authenticity of Life in the Digital Age,” he recognizes the risk of using digital media to construct false social identities. “There exists a Christian way of being present in the digital world: this takes the form of a communication that is honest and open, responsible and respectful of others.” He challenges followers of Jesus Christ “to be authentic and faithful, and not give in to the illusion of constructing an artificial public profile for oneself.”7

By communicating faithfully with God and others, we learn more about who we really are. To fully embrace our true self, we need to become intimate with the Son of God, confirming that we are made in the very image and likeness of our Creator. Regardless of what the media and others tell us, we are God’s special, forgiven, redeemed children. We belong to God. Without Christ, our faces become undistinguished expressions of socially constructed personae.

One difficulty with being both authentic and transparent is that we have to face our real, imperfect selves. We can’t discover our true self without considering our false self. If we don’t face our sinful selves, we can’t capture our risen, beloved selves.

Preventing Lies

A wife wondered how her husband could lie to her about something so relatively insignificant. He said he had returned the golf putter he had purchased. But then she spotted it poking out of his golf bag. She began wondering what else he had been hiding from her. She even started wondering if she really knew her own husband.8 If her husband would lie about minor things, maybe he would deceive her about major things as well.

When we discover that someone has lied to us about even something relatively trivial, we start wondering if they’re honest persons. It takes only a few confirmed lies before we start questioning the person’s overall character. Pretty soon we don’t trust them. In 1972 half of all Americans felt they could trust others. Today one-third of Americans say most people can be trusted. The trend is clear. Beginning with the baby boomers, each generation has entered adulthood less trusting than those who came before them.9

Lies are among the most damaging forms of unfaithfulness in interpersonal relationships. When a commercial or a door-to-door salesperson exaggerates particular product claims, we usually just accept it as business. Our expectations are low. When a loved one deceives us, we are hurt if not also angry. We rightly assume that loved ones owe us truthfulness.

A lie is a statement intended to deceive. If we say something that we believe to be true but later discover that it wasn’t accurate, we haven’t lied. We didn’t intend to deceive. We simply misspoke. Perhaps we should have known better, but at least we didn’t intentionally lead others astray.

According to St. Augustine, a lie has two elements: a divided heart and a will to deceive. A divided heart is an inconsistency between one’s mind and expression. A lie is expressing what we know in our heart is not true; it’s a calculated attempt to mislead.10 We deceive God, others, and ourselves when our words and actions are not consistent with what we know to be true. In effect, lying is a kind of moral and spiritual sickness that takes many forms and is sometimes hard to diagnose. Writer Marilyn Chandler McEntyre observes, “Truth-telling is difficult because the varieties of untruth are so many and so well disguised. Lies are hard to identify when they come in the form of apparently innocuous imprecision, socially acceptable slippage, hyperbole masquerading as enthusiasm, or well-placed propaganda.”11

Some white lies are probably justifiable. White lies are those with little moral importance and generally without significant consequences.12 For instance, we might compliment someone on his or her clothing or cooking even if we don’t believe that the fashion or food is particularly good. People often accept such fibs as social niceties. But what if we tell someone that we will pray for him or her even if we (and they) know we probably won’t? Is that an acceptable white lie?

We lie for all kinds of reasons, but especially to protect our pride. We deceive others when we are ashamed by our actions and don’t want our dark deeds exposed. We feel like we must protect our ego.13 Our self-esteem is at stake. In fact, we’re so accustomed to pride-protecting deception that we even exaggerate our affection for others. Such deception is so routine that when study participants were asked to recall deceptive affections it was not a particularly stressful or anxiety-inducing activity for them. Lying is so commonplace that it seems to produce little or no physiological arousal.14

TEN REASONS WE LIE

To protect our pride

To hide our destructive actions

To save face

To circumvent punishment

To retain control

To exploit others

To avoid admitting failure

To maintain relational harmony

To spare others from expressing their feelings

To prevent harm/embarrassment to others and self

A study asked college students to analyze the veracity of statements in their everyday conversations. The results were amazing: only 38.5 percent of their statements were completely true. Students justified their “little white lies” as means of avoiding embarrassment, protecting their image, circumventing tension, and controlling the situation.15

Perhaps most amazing of all, we regularly lie to ourselves—even about lying itself! We rationalize lying as a way to protect others even though we generally do it selfishly to protect ourselves. About 76 percent of all lies are told for the benefit of the liar, not the person deceived.16 So much for justifying most of our lies by pretending that we have good intentions and care more about others than ourselves.

Spreading Gossip

Is anything more secretly delicious than gossip—idle talk and rumors about others’ intimate lives? What is conversation for, if not hush-hush chatter about other people? “Did you know?” “Did you hear?” “Guess what I discovered!” “Did you see online?” “So and so told me that . . .” “Really!” “Wow!” Gossiping is fun, stimulating, and even cathartic. Don’t we feel better about ourselves when we discover what’s wrong with others? Between 65 and 90 percent of everyday conversation might be gossip.17

When it comes to gossip, we’re all like wayward journalists who are less concerned with truthtelling than capturing an audience. Gossip gives us a chance to draw attention to ourselves without talking about ourselves. We get to play news reporter; if we have lots of juicy gossip to spread we can even pretend to be a news anchor. Gossip allows us “to find a perverse enjoyment in somebody else’s dilemma.”18 We revel in knowing the intimate details of others’ problems and find pleasure in telegraphing this news and demonstrating that we’re networked. Also, some gossip is a defense mechanism that helps us preserve our self-esteem by elevating ourselves in the process of tearing others down.19

Of course not all secretive talk about others is gossipy chitchat. We also share information about others in order to inform and protect people from those who might take advantage of them. Researchers have found that private talk about people’s reputations in the workplace can have at least four benefits: (1) helping us know about and avoid bad people, (2) helping other vulnerable people know about and avoid bad people, (3) reducing the negative effects of bad people’s actions on others, and (4) deterring selfishness and promoting cooperation.20

SEVEN TYPES OF EVIL REPORTERS

Backbiter—speaks against absent persons

Busybody—seeks out personal information and spreads it like wildfire

Complainer—faults others

Murmurer—grumbles about another

Slanderer—injures others’ reputations

Talebearer—elaborates to make a story more dramatic

Whisperer—talks privately about others to hurt them

Adapted from Michael D. Sedler, Stop the Runaway Conversation: Take Control over Gossip and Criticism (Grand Rapids: Chosen, 2001), 80–85.

Gossip usually includes bits of truth, but the full truth is always more complicated. Gossip: “So and so is getting a divorce.” Response: “Really?” Behind that bit of dramatic gossip might be years of one couple’s real-life stories of joy, pain, and separation. It’s like TV news: reporters sometimes offer sound bites about complex world events.

For Christians, the line between gossip and even a prayer request can become fairly thin. We have to consider our motives. Are we truly spreading news about others because we care about them and wish the best for them in prayer? Do we really intend to pray for them? Are we careful not to pass along the news to those whom we know tend to gossip more than pray?

Gossip tends to be manipulative and controlling. We use it to gain attention, influence others, and bond with co-gossipers. As we tell a tale, we embellish, exaggerate, and distort the details; we set aside factual truth in favor of a juicy spin. Most gossipers don’t highlight the best in others or seek to encourage troubled souls. They implicitly question others’ reputations with little regard for the consequences. Whereas love demands that we trust and expect the best in others, gossip suspects and expects the worst.21

A mark of a true friend is secrecy, says twelfth-century English monk Aelred of Rievaulx.22 Friends are trustworthy confidants. We can tell them personal information and be confident that they will not spread it or use it to hurt or belittle us. Simply put, one can’t be both a gossiper and a trustworthy friend. The writer of Proverbs says, “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”23

TEST THE NEED BEFORE SPEAKING

Writer and pastor R. T. Kendall presents a helpful acronym to review before speaking: NEED, based on Jesus’s command to “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). Simply put, we ask ourselves if our words will truly meet another’s need. Put to this test, evil reporting would cease.

N—Is what I am about to share necessary?

E—Will the information I share emancipate (set free) the other?

E—Will the information I share energize the other?

D—Will I dignify the other by what I am about to say?

Adapted from R. T. Kendall, Controlling the Tongue (Lake Mary, FL: Charisma House, 2007), 175.

Truthtelling for Trust

In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis suggests that a compelling argument for the existence of God is morality, especially moral absolutes that nearly all human beings affirm.24 He cites the absolute ethical mandate of telling the truth instead of lying. It’s hard to imagine anyone believing that lying is, except in rare cases, morally better than telling the truth. Why? Because no one wants to be deceived. We greatly prefer friends, family, and coworkers who are straight with us. And we assume they want to be treated similarly—that we owe truth to each other.

In other words, we adhere to a kind of social contract that truthtelling is better than deception; lying lacks fairness.25 To put it differently, we believe we are socially obligated not to say what we believe to be false or questionable.26 When we interact with each other, we normally expect mutual honesty.

SCRIPTURE ON TRUTHTELLING

“Speak the truth to each other” (Zech. 8:16).

“Put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor” (Eph. 4:25).

“No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence” (Ps. 101:7).

“The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy” (Prov. 12:22).

Jesus is “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). Our words likewise must be true.

Adapted from David P. Gushee, “The Truth about Deceit: Most Lies Are Pitiful Attempts to Protect Our Pride,” Christianity Today, March 2006, 68.

Maybe this social contract should apply to our relationships with ourselves as well. Self-deception destroys our relationship with ourselves. The addict who denies such addiction to himself or herself likely destroys the possibility of other honest self-talk. Denial—a form of self-deception—probably erodes one’s trust in one’s self.

There is a catch, however, when it comes to building trust. The only way to build trust is to dialogue openly and honestly. Yet we’re not comfortable doing this until we’ve built up enough trust with each other. So building trust normally is a slow, delicate dance in which partners learn to lead and to follow. It requires reciprocal self-disclosure and ever-deepening intimacy.

In Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, priest John Powell writes, “I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you might not like who I am, and it’s all that I have.”27 It’s scary to be vulnerable and to invite people into our lives. We may face rejection, create a negative image, or have to admit and then confront our own destructive actions. Yet such honest, open sharing is the only avenue to close, fulfilling relationships. Communication scholar and priest Paul Soukup says, “Self disclosure rests on trust, our willingness to listen to the voice of another and not to let ourselves become distracted by listening to those other voices that lead to the walls separating Samaritans and Jews, men and women, friends and foes.”28

RISKS AND BENEFITS OF SELF-DISCLOSURE

Risks

Rejection

Alienation

Negative image

Loss of control

Unfortunate consequences

Benefits

Trust

Intimacy

Self-awareness

Emotional release

Adapted from Lawrence B. Rosenfeld, “Self-Disclosure Avoidance: Why I Am Afraid to Tell You Who I Am,” Communication Monographs 46, no. 1 (1979): 63–74.

Truthtelling Nurtures Shalom

Followers of Jesus Christ are called to speak the truth in love.29 When we do so, we can expect our relationships to flourish beyond our imagination.

Speaking truth creates trust.

Since forthright talk builds trust, we should seek to be honest with others. When someone realizes we aren’t completely truthful, they will begin distrusting us from then on.30 Simply put, deceit sabotages our authenticity while truthtelling patiently nurtures mutually candid relationships.

Speaking truth shows our faith in others.

When we speak straightforwardly, we show our faith in others by demonstrating our trust in them. Sharing openly and honestly invites others into our lives, allowing them to come alongside us to carry our burdens and care for us—just as we care for them. It nurtures faith that people will be there for each other to listen, learn, and serve. Perhaps Sharon’s daughter didn’t fully trust her mother because of some earlier episode. Or perhaps her mother didn’t trust Sharon and had previously peeked too frequently into her daughter’s private life.

Speaking truth demonstrates maturity.

It isn’t always comfortable to tell the truth. Truthtelling often requires admitting a wrong, taking responsibility for the offense, and paying the consequences. It involves a willingness to face hard truths that are disappointing and disturbing.31 Consequences can be considerable—perhaps a lost job, a severed relationship, or a tarnished self-image. Facing the truth requires plenty of maturity by owning up to the consequences for ourselves as well as others.

Speaking truth reunites us with God.

Lying breaks our fellowship with God. It is only through facing and confessing our sins that broken fellowship is restored. Such confession is an opportunity for God’s heart to be thrilled by reconciling forgiveness.32 Moreover, honestly praising God brings us closer to him.

Speaking truth promotes unity.

We are created to dwell together in community, but lying severs our connections with others. When we hide from one another through independent action, fake social identities, or dishonest conversation, we break from unity with others.33

Speaking truth allows accountability.

By speaking honestly to each other, we can better hold one another accountable for our actions. We need to be transparent with trusted, devoted, and committed friends who speak the truth in love to us.34 Accountable people are truthful.

Speaking truth establishes an authentic platform for sharing Christ with others.

As Christians, we are called to share Christ’s message of love and hope. God commands us to be faithful to him and to share the true gospel. Others rightly assume that we speak the truth and that our actions reflect our convictions. When our words and our lives are out of sync, people will call into question our integrity, which greatly hinders our Christian witness.

Conclusion

In our scientific age we tend to think of truth merely as factuality. From a biblical perspective, truth is also faithfulness—it’s “being true” to others, including God, neighbor, and self. Lying destroys trust and thereby weakens relationships. By contrast, being true to one another nurtures trust and builds lasting relationships. Honesty and transparency help us to flourish with others in community. “Truth is not simply something that is believed or even spoken. Rooted in faith in the trustworthy Triune God, truth is a way of being, a path that is followed, and a place that one inhabits,” writes ethics professor David Gushee.35

On a crisp autumn afternoon, Sharon’s daughter decided to hide behind her text messages. She constructed the illusion that her life was good when it was actually falling apart. How different the story could have unfolded if Sharon’s daughter openly answered her mother’s questions, sharing her deepest struggles and doubts in life. Such honesty would have offered Sharon the opportunity to be a genuine and faithful friend in her daughter’s difficult journey toward healing. Fortunately, they both discovered the truth and stepped out in faith to restart their communication and rebuild their relationship.

In the next chapter we show how important encouragement is for building each other up personally and in community. Encouragement from God and others gives us the courage to face difficult communication situations, to keep going faithfully in the midst of adversity, disappointment, and suffering. When trust wanes in our relationships, we need plenty of encouragement to persevere.

Chapter 6 ENCOURAGE OTHERS

In the movie The Pursuit of Happyness, the father, played by Will Smith, stifles his son’s dream of becoming a professional basketball player: “You’ll excel at a lot of things, just not this.” But after realizing the crushing impact of his disheartening remark, the father adds, “Don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t do something—not even me. . . . You want something, go out and get it.”1

For aspiring writer Russell Baker, who became a New York Times columnist, encouragement came from an English teacher who read his essay to the entire class. “For the first time, light shone on a possibility,” remembers Baker about that event. “In the eleventh grade, at the eleventh hour as it were, I had discovered a calling. It was the happiest moment of my entire school career. . . . Mr. Fleagle had opened a door for me.”2

Encouraging words open opportunities for us. They inspire us to try something new, to excel at a talent, to offer and accept forgiveness, to love others and ourselves, to see ourselves in a new, more promising light. Encouraging words are like hugs of hope. And they don’t require lengthy discourse. Some of the best encouragement is like a heartening, unexpected text message that says “thanks for being a friend.” It’s the quality, not the quantity of words that best encourages others.

As we explain in this chapter, we live in a society loaded with discouraging words that suffocate hope. By contrast, even small amounts of encouragement hearten us and give us courage to move forward even in dispiriting times. When we encourage others we (1) affirm them, (2) exhort (persuade) them to live faithfully, (3) model for them the life of faith, and (4) accompany them through discouraging times. If we are encouraging someone we know well and see frequently, we essentially walk with them during their discouraging days. There are times when we need to encourage ourselves too. This chapter makes clear that flattery typically does not help—it merely boosts our egos instead of warming our hearts. Real friends regularly offer and receive the kind of encouragement that can produce successful basketball players and newspaper columnists.

Getting Discouraged

In a world of broken relationships and failed efforts, we all suffer dis-couragement. Couples divorce. Roommates employ the silent treatment. Older siblings mutter at younger ones. Coworkers jealously protect their emotional turf to prove their own worth. Former friends seek revenge rather than forgiveness. People are born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward from a fire, says the writer of the book of Job.3 That’s life in a world where we cocoon and criticize. It can be terribly disheartening.

So sometimes we lose confidence in ourselves and trust in others—even God. We wonder: “Where was the Holy Spirit when I said something terribly inappropriate to a friend?” “Why didn’t I listen better to a relative who was depressed or suicidal?” “How could I give such a lousy interview for a job I really wanted, especially when I prayed and prepped so hard?” We try to reach out to others but are ignored. We long to be part of a group but are left out. Sometimes we get so dispirited that we question whether our relationships with God and others are worth the effort. “Whatever!” We turn on the TV or surf the internet to take our minds off of our discouragement.

It especially hurts when people say things that we rightly or wrongly interpret as personal criticism. They may even speak up without realizing the full punch of their words—like the father’s first dismissive words to his son in The Pursuit of Happyness. If we’re particularly sensitive at the time, others’ comments don’t have to be overly nasty to inflict emotional pain. Even their mildly critical language seems to imply that we have little value.4 Still, harshly delivered, disrespectful words are the worst; they can crush our spirits for days or weeks. Verbally abusive parents can negatively affect their children’s self-identities for years into adulthood.

QUESTIONS AND STATEMENTS WITH IMPLIED CRITICISMS

“Are we out of milk again?” (“You can’t even manage this simple task!”)

“Have you started job hunting?” (“You’re so lazy!”)

“You should have easily won that race.” (“You’re not trying hard enough.”)

“Maybe you shouldn’t wear that dress.” (“You’ll embarrass me.”)

“How’s the diet going?” (“You’re gaining weight.”)

Sometimes criticism is implied in a seemingly joking manner—like in a sitcom one-liner meant to elicit a camera-ready reaction shot from the recipient of the attack. In fact, sitcoms often are based on put-downs because the remarks strike the viewer as humorous, and the humor seems to blunt the full impact of the remark just enough to keep audiences from feeling that the recipient was treated indignantly.

We all know that disapproval generally stings more than reassurance heals. Even mild criticism can hurt us deeply. We live in webs of overt and covert criticism that constantly remind us that we don’t measure up to others’ expectations. For every teaspoon of discouragement we probably need a glass of encouragement, or we begin to lose heart. Walt Disney said that there are three types of people: well-poisoners are discouragers; lawn mowers are self-absorbed (taking care only of their own lawns); and life-enhancers are inspiring, reaching out to enrich the lives of others.5

To gauge how much discouragement you offer others, try committing for one day to not saying (including texting, blogging, emailing, or tweeting) anything negative about anyone—direct or implied. Don’t say anything unkind about anyone the next day either; don’t even give unkind looks. After doing this for a day or two, can you go an entire week without speaking negatively toward someone?

Courageously Keeping Heart

It takes virtue, especially courage, to forge ahead in the midst of discouragement. The word “courage” comes from the Latin cor for “heart” or “spirit.” Courage is all about how we keep heart while experiencing disappointments and hardships. Courage is far more than onetime acts of heroism in seemingly impossible situations. Courage addresses our attitudes and actions in everyday life as we face uncertainty, such as going on a first date, starting a new school program, interviewing for a job, or attending a group like Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time.

A courageous parent continues nurturing a child until that child can become a more independent adult. A brave friend stays with us through thick and thin. A bold teacher goes back to the classroom day after day to serve the students.

An encourager is the kind of person who regularly and genuinely gives others heart in the course of daily tasks and relationships. For instance, most of us will remember a teacher who routinely encouraged us more than we will remember the subject matter that teacher taught. A great instructor models encouragement by encouraging students. Every station in life is a place for giving and receiving such grace-filled encouragement.

Courage isn’t weak. We’re courageous when we admit and deal with reality rather than withdraw from it or pretend it doesn’t exist. Relational reality can involve everything from daily difficulties to physical and emotional pain. Often we face relational fears—fears of rejection, abandonment, and failure. We doubt our own abilities. We need courage to move ahead in hope.

We en-courage the hearts of others by giving them the courage they need to go on in life even in the midst of frustrations, hardships, and disappointments. We encourage people by giving them the hope and confidence they need for daily living as well as for specific, more challenging situations. An abused wife needs the courage to speak up to her husband and to those who will stand beside her as she seeks to stop or escape from the abuse. A depressed friend needs courage to keep going in dark times.

Think of encouragement in terms of verbal and nonverbal support for our neighbors in need—which includes just about everyone we know and interact with. We can try to live independently, but we can’t flourish without neighborly encouragers. We will flourish only when we receive lots of loving encouragement. The message of support is, “Take heart, you’re not alone; I am with you.”

Giving Heart to Others

Jesus repeatedly offers heartfelt encouragement. For instance, he uses variations on “fear not” or “do not be afraid” over one hundred times in the Bible. Ministering to the early church, the apostle Paul frequently offers this gift. His words directed Christians to be strong and to wait upon the Lord.6 He reminds Jesus’s followers that everything will work out just as God has ordained.7 Like Paul, we’re called to bless others by encouraging them. There are at least four scriptural patterns for encouragement—affirming, exhorting, modeling, and accompanying others.

Encouraging by Affirming

First, we encourage by affirming. The New Testament suggests that encouragers are like a construction crew.8 Encouragers build others up not just for the occasional big challenges but also for everyday dwelling in the world. We communicate the comforting, relationship-building, foundational love of God through our own love of others. As some biblical translations put it, we “edify” others so that they can discharge everyday duties; this kind of encouragement comforts.9

SIX WAYS TO AFFIRM OTHERS

Speak honest, heartfelt words of praise. (“You know, you’re really good at that.”)

Express appreciation. (“You’re so thoughtful.”)

Listen attentively. (“I hear you.”)

Acknowledge them. (“It’s great to see you.”)

Credit their contributions. (“You raise a wonderful point!”)

Speak well of them in front of their peers. (“Luke was terrific in that role.”)

Practically speaking, we shouldn’t hesitate to lavish others with honest, affirming words. We should pay attention to others—let them know we are trying to understand how they feel—by attentively listening, without judgment. We should acknowledge others, even with just a smile if we can’t find the appropriate words. We should sincerely praise them. We should craft words that rightly help them feel good about themselves. We ought to tell friends and family how much they mean to us. And we should compliment them in front of others.

Columnist Russell Baker’s teacher affirmed his gift for writing and in only a few words gave him the courage to pursue a particular career. How many of us have particular skills that even we don’t know we could use to serve others? Without encouragers, we might never discover them.

On the flip side, we need to avoid tearing down others through our clumsy or inappropriate interactions. After all, we know from our own lives how devastating implicitly negative comments can be; even mild criticism can come across to others as shouting to the entire world that they have little value in our sight.10

Long-term encouragement or discouragement makes a significant difference in relationships. For instance, what parents say to their adolescent during the middle school years is critically important. Poor teenage self-esteem is linked to everything from depression and anxiety to eating disorders. In contrast, parents’ words of recognition and acceptance foster young adults’ mental health and well-being.11 Moreover, parents’ positive communication with adolescents creates open and honest relationships across the generations. When parents affirm their teenagers, the offspring tend to encourage their parents.12 Both generations flourish.

FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND ABOUT GAINING WEIGHT

“You’ve put on a little weight”—as if he or she doesn’t know it already.

“You shouldn’t be eating that”—as if you are the diet police.

“Haven’t you had enough?”—as if you should monitor portions.

“It’s easy, all you have to do is . . .”—as if you know how to lose weight.

“I’m just trying to help”—as if you really know how to help.

Adapted from Cynthia Sass, “Things NOT to Say to Your Partner about Losing Weight,” Health.com, http://news.health.com/2014/01/31/5-things-not-to-say-to-your-partner-about-weight-loss/.

The bottom line is that people who encourage others tend to receive kind words of support in return. If we want to hear soul-refreshing affirmation from others, we should affirm them. We tend to reap the affirmation we sow. If we surround ourselves with critical, cynical people, we’ll feel discouraged. Real friends are mutual encouragers. To be encouraged, choose friends who are encouragers. Then affirm them too.

In a high-tech world, written notes of encouragement are particularly effective. Who in your life needs a bit of encouragement? Write them a note expressing your appreciation for them. For more impact, send a handwritten note in a card rather than an email or text message. Also, speak well of them to friends and family members—let them overhear your honest praise.

Encouraging by Exhorting

Second, we encourage by calling others to live faithfully. We give hope by tangibly persuading them to live in the Lord. In other words, we don’t encourage just by affirming others with our appropriate hugs and words; we also encourage them through exhortative encouragement by gently persuading them to live with the hope of Jesus Christ in a broken world. The New Testament language suggests that exhorting is like preaching—but not necessarily preachy.13

Think of exhortation this way: we all know people who are doing things that are not in their own best relational interests. And the same could be said of us. So what do we do about it? Do we just comfort one another from the sidelines, pretending that all is well when we’re clearly living outside of God’s will? Or do we also lovingly try to sway each other to seek better, more enriching relationships with God and one another?

None of us likes to be surrounded with self-righteous, preachy people. That’s not the point of mutual exhortation. Instead we should be the kinds of friends that humbly coax each other to do what’s in our mutual best interests as followers of Jesus Christ. Interpersonal exhortation reminds us that God too is on our side and that we should be on his side. There is no better way to deep encouragement than being friends with friends of Jesus Christ.

Exhortative encouragement is difficult to share even with intimate friends. Obviously we don’t want to come across as holier-than-thou nags. We need to respect others, granting them the emotional space to be themselves and make their own decisions. Moreover, we shouldn’t hypocritically tell others to do things that we don’t do. We have to earn the right to exhort by getting our own house in order. This is why such exhortative encouragement often requires real friendship; trustworthy friends typically have earned the respect to counsel one another.

If your communication is dripping with criticisms and complaints, others are likely to turn a deaf ear when honest correction is warranted. In contrast, if you continually offer heartfelt praise and show care for others, then when admonition (loving correction) is warranted, you’ve already earned a platform (a place of honor and respect) so that others will listen and seriously consider your comments.

Moreover, if someone warrants a complaint or correction, we shouldn’t begin the conversation critically. The apostle Paul didn’t; he even began some of his most critical letters with thanksgiving.14 It can take the heart right out of us when the first thing we hear in the morning or when we arrive at work is criticism. Regardless of how others act, we should begin with a smile and a compliment—even something as simple as “Good morning!” or “Great to see you.” If we can’t think of anything positive to say about someone else, we’ve got a problem. Is there no goodness in someone else? Who are we kidding, except ourselves?

SEVEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY

“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” (What’s small to you might not be to them.)

“Calm down.” (If the person could have simply calmed down, they would have already done so.)

“Just do it.” (Empathy, not tough love, is most assuring to them.)

“Everything is going to be fine.” (Chances are, they know that there is no simple fix and such a blanket statement doesn’t help.)

“I’m stressed out too.” (Real anxiety is nothing like mere stress.)

“Have a drink—it’ll take your mind off of it.” (A drink might make your friend feel better in the short run, but it can make anxiety worse in the long run.)

“Did I do something wrong?” (Don’t take your friend’s anxiety personally. Be his or her friend.)

Adapted from Lindsay Holmes, “Seven Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone with Anxiety,” Huffington Post, February 2, 2014, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/17/things-not-to-say-to-some_n_4781182.html.

Perhaps in today’s world, where religion seems so phony and hypocritical to many people, we should exhort through invitation rather than proclamation. In other words, we might think of encouraging exhortation as persuading by inviting each other to have greater faith and to live out that faith more completely—not by telling people exactly what to feel or do. We can love others by inviting them to be faithful to the God who calls them—a welcoming that mirrors God’s calling of his followers to faithfulness. As inviters, we winsomely point others to God rather than to ourselves. We encourage others in ways that draw them nearer to God. We urge people forward in their faith,15 even as we humbly acknowledge our own weaknesses.

Encouraging by Modeling Action

Third, we encourage through our concrete actions that model hope. The biblical figure Barnabas is a great example. Barnabas, whose name means “son of encouragement,” gave life to the discouraged by selling his land to benefit others. Barnabas’s generosity encouraged the young church to continue in its mission.16 He stood up for Saul (Paul) amid rejection by the apostles,17 and he stood up for John Mark despite opposition from Paul.18

John Mark had abandoned Barnabas and Paul on their first missionary journey. Even so, Barnabas faithfully took John Mark under his wings, graciously giving him a second chance to show his faithfulness. We similarly encourage when we model courage.

Long before Walt Disney’s fame, writes his daughter Diane Disney Miller, individuals walked beside her dad to encourage him during his early years as an artist. “When things seemed blackest,” she recalls, a dentist asked her father to create an animated cartoon teaching children to take care of their teeth. When it was time to meet and seal the deal, Walt told the dentist that he was unable to meet with him. “Why?” the dentist asked. Walt replied, “I haven’t any shoes . . .” and went on to explain that his shoes were “falling apart and I left them at the shoemakers. He won’t let me have them until I can dig up a dollar and a half.” The dentist paid the shoemaker, an act of kindness signifying his confidence in Walt’s potential as an artist.19

We encourage partly by demonstrating the courage of our own convictions. We model encouragement to others by living encouraging lives. Our lives suggest to others whether or not we have any reasons for hope. Our lives can say to others, “You too can live expectantly. Take heart. Be encouraged.”

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said that communicators should use “all available means of persuasion” at their disposal to persuade others.20 We could add that as followers of Jesus Christ we should use all of the ways available to encourage others. Encouragement is much more than a matter or manner of speech. God calls us to touch, smile, listen, and text hopefulness. But perhaps most important of all, how we live speaks volumes about our reasons for hope amid a discouraging world littered with broken relationships.

Encouraging by Accompanying Others

Fourth, we encourage when we empathize with the disheartened and accompany them through difficult times. If our hearts are open, we can become others’ companions in the ups and downs of life. In scriptural terms, we can become others’ paracletes—advocates called to their sides.

An anxious colleague faced with a possible layoff needs to know that there are people who will stay with him or her through the fearful weeks or months ahead. To a large extent, ministry is all about walking encouragingly with others through the valleys as well as the hills of life. Encouragers walk with us. Discouragers eventually walk away.

These four means of encouraging others show that our best expressions of encouragement flow not from a sense of legalistic duty or burdensome obligation but from a genuine sense of delight.21 We learn to enjoy offering honest praise, exhorting others to live faithfully, modeling encouragement, and walking alongside others facing discouragement. We delight in their hope just as much as in our own.

In fact, we delight in everyone else’s encouragement. We don’t encourage only individuals who are like us, agree with us, share our faith, or are close to us. We’re not in a position to curse those who do not share our faith;22 rather, we should affirm the likeness of God in them.23 For us, encouragement is a way of life worth sharing with all of our neighbors—with every discouraged person. Why shouldn’t we offer a word of thanks to a salesclerk or restaurant server who took care of us? Why shouldn’t we see all of our connections with others as opportunities to encourage?

Herman Miller CEO Max De Pree got a letter that was addressed to

Max De Pree

Author of Dear Zoe

Holland, Michigan

De Pree was so amazed that he had received the letter from a reader of his book that he called the postmaster to offer thanks. The postmaster told him, “We find about 100 letters like this a week that we have to do some special work on to get them delivered.” Then he added, “You’re the first person who ever called to say thank you.”24 How could that be the case, especially in a city dotted with churches? Do we take one another for granted that much? Do we assume that if someone is getting paid they don’t need or deserve heartfelt encouragement?

Seeking Encouragement for Ourselves

We should also seek encouragement for our own hearts. The more we are encouraged, the more capacity we have to encourage others. Everyone needs it.

One of the leaders of the Protestant Reformation, John Calvin, “never ceased to feel his need of encouragement; never ceased to seek it in the Lord; never ceased to find it; and so was always able to comfort others with the same comfort wherewith he himself was comforted of God.”25 One reason Calvin might have needed such significant encouragement was that he was not always a nice man. At times he was intolerant toward and even persecuted those who disagreed with him. He must have had doubts about his actions in spite of his own courage. He was human, sin and all. Often some of the most influential and seemingly successful people need considerable encouragement in the face of their public and private failures.

When we overly draw on our own abilities to build ourselves up, and when friends and family seem too distressed to encourage us, we can discover afresh the power of God’s reassurance by appealing directly to Jesus Christ. Scripture is the story of God’s grace in the midst of human fear and disobedience. The Psalms, for instance, portray life realistically as despair and disappointment, but they usually end in words of praise and thanksgiving for a personal God who keeps his people safe from the pit of despair. The gospel is the ultimate encouragement for those drowning in discouragement. The good news is that God does for us what we can’t do for ourselves. This is why we can call upon enough strength and encouragement in the Lord to share with others.

One intended beauty of fellowship is spending time together with encouragers who help us to live with joy and delight. Seek friends who are the kinds of persons you would like to be—namely, a blessing to others. They will encourage you, and you will encourage them and others.

ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THE BOOK OF PSALMS

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles,

but the LORD delivers him from them all.

Psalm 34:18–19

Fending Off Flattery

Unfortunately, much encouragement is phony and even selfish: (1) we encourage out of obligation rather than genuine gratitude, (2) we encourage others so they will feel good about us, carefully avoiding any exhortative language, and (3) we partner with someone to offer each other mutually flowery compliments that we both know are exaggerated. All three can be signs of foolish flattery.

Scripture distinguishes between encouragement and flattery—excessive compliments usually meant to ingratiate us to others. Whereas a true encourager has others’ best interests in mind—including encouraging them honestly—a flatterer typically has self-interest in mind. The encouragers’ expressions are sincere, while the flatterer aims to impress and to gain favor.26 Encouragers use affirming words to build up others’ spirits, whereas flatterers use such language to disarm recipients and sometimes even to spring a trap to take advantage of them.27

True encouragement doesn’t require that others reciprocate or that we gain something personally from encouraging them. Like all grace, genuine encouragement is a gift, given freely. Others may or may not reciprocate—that’s their choice. Of course others will tend to reciprocate over time by encouraging those who encourage them. But encouragement doesn’t require or even demand a response. The recipient doesn’t have to say “thank you” or return a compliment. There should be no strings attached when we hearten another, since this is our opportunity simply to express love, period.28

Reciprocal flattery can be mutually debilitating even as two friends knowingly celebrate their lies about one another. Encouragement demands that we humbly offer honest praise for people; otherwise, we may be promoting warm and fuzzy feelings but failing to foster godly character and neglecting to hold one another accountable.29 Humility in particular makes our encouragement genuine.30 It diverts attention from us and gives it to others based on their need for truth as well as praise.

Given the dangers of flattery, is too much encouragement a bad thing? Will excessive encouragement turn recipients into self-glorifying, prideful, and arrogant persons? Perhaps this happens sometimes, but not if the encouragement is free of flattery and appropriate to the situation. Besides, it’s far more likely that excessive discouragement will lead to others’ sense of rejection and defeat. When it comes to authentic encouragement, few people receive enough.

Harvard Business Review reported that the most important factor in business “effectiveness”—defined by financial performance, customer satisfaction, and feedback ratings of team members—was the ratio of positive comments (e.g., “I agree with that” or “That’s a terrific idea”) to negative comments (e.g., “I don’t agree with you” or “We shouldn’t even consider doing that” or those that are even more sarcastic and disparaging). The top-performing groups used about five positive comments for every negative one. The lowest-performing teams averaged about three negative comments to each positive one. Of course, some negative feedback is important as groups evaluate their work, but it doesn’t take much negativity to bring down the performance.31

Conclusion

Encouraging language and smiles come more easily to extroverted individuals with strong self-esteem. Also, some of us even have the benefit of growing up in families where parents modeled many forms of encouragement. In any case, we all have room to grow as we learn to speak blessings to others.32

We can cultivate the virtue of being an encourager by becoming ever more aware of the goodness in others. One way to accomplish this is to set aside time weekly to review a list of friends, family, and colleagues and remind yourself how they have blessed you and others. Then add to that open contemplation a growing sensitivity to their needs. Recognizing their needs will help motivate you to care and to compliment without any reciprocal expectations. Finally, give praise to God for these people and ask Jesus to walk with and encourage them. These simple practices, anchored in contemplation and prayer, will transform you into a heartfelt encourager. As Christian psychologists Larry Crabb and Dan Allender put it, “Encouragement is more than acquiring a new set of skills. It is the fruit of a self-examined heart and a compassionate, discerning sensitivity to the needs of others.”33

Encouragement is like fertilizer, water, and sunlight for plants. It nurtures life and hope in people. Our encouragement can inspire a young child to pursue her or his dreams, from sports to journalism. It can provide hope and comfort to the hurting. It can keep the defeated in the game. Ultimately, with the Spirit’s help, it can draw others closer to God as they see the love and encouragement of Christ in us. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” writes the psalmist.34 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”35 We may be the very person whom God calls to bind up others’ wounds. We might even be that person whose heart cries out for hope. Sometimes all it takes is timely and sincere encouragement, even just a few words. Sometimes a text message can mean a lot to a discouraged recipient, especially when the two cannot meet in person. If we have time for texting, we have time for encouraging others.

In the next chapter we address the inevitable conflicts that arise in interpersonal relationships even among friends who encourage each other. Not all conflict is relationally destructive, but ignoring conflicts usually worsens them. So we need the heart and skills to face most conflicts for the sake of building great relationships. In the biblical vision, relationships thrive not merely through the absence of conflict, however, but also through the pursuit of shalom—peace and justice.