week 5 critical analysis

And speaking of pronouns . . .

Pronouns are possibly one of the

most stressful things for people who

are learning to be trans allies. But

don’t feel bad, they’re much more

stressful for trans people.

It is almost always okay to ask what

pronoun someone wants to be called.

Ask in private, not in front of a large

group. Ask respectfully.

For example, “Hi, so-and-so. I’m so

happy to be working with you. I want

to check in with you because I want

to be respectful of your identity,

and I wondered what pronouns you

use.”

It is also sometimes okay to ask a

mutual acquaintance who would know.

Developed by Davey Shlasko

(www.thinkagaintraining.com), based partly on an essay

by Micah Bazant, “Transgender Respect/Etiquette

/Support 101,” available through Jewish Mosaic

(www.jewishmosaic.org).

Behaviors to avoid:

 Assumptions. You should try not to assume anything about a person who may be trans, for example

- identity

- pronoun

- transition status/plans/direction

- age

- sexual orientation

Also, don’t assume

- that all LGB people “get” trans stuff

- that all trans people “get” each other

 Interrogating. Not every trans person is an expert

on gender or on trans issues. Even if they are, they

might not want to be explaining trans stuff 24/7.

 Coming to a trans person to work out your

discomfort around trans issues.

 Commenting on a trans person’s “passing,” or not

passing, as their gender. For one thing, not all

trans people want to pass. For another, commenting

on someone’s passing can reinforce gender

stereotypes, and perpetuate hierarchies that

reward trans folks for blending in with the

dominant gender culture.

Behaviors that are helpful:

 Respect. For example you should respect a person’s …

- pronouns. (We all mess up on pronouns sometimes.

Apologize and move on – and later, do your work

to make sure you don’t mess up again!)

- self identity. If someone tells you they identify

as a woman, they are a woman, whether or not

they look/seem like a woman to you.

- privacy. Don’t ask inappropriately personal

questions of a trans person you’ve just met, like,

“What do your genitals look like?” or How do you

have sex?”

- names. Use a person’s chosen name, always. That

is their “real” name, and the only one you need to worry about.

 Be honest about your level of understanding, and your

preparedness (or not) to be an ally.

 Educate yourself and others.

 Interrupt bad gender situations. (When you’re

ready!) This takes a lot of confidence and

discernment. It’s great, for example, if you know

when to pipe up and say “Actually, my friend is a guy,

not a lady,” or “I’m sure we all know which bathroom

we’re in, thanks.”

It’s a judgment call . . .

 Asking questions. Some trans folks are okay with answering all your questions. But it does get tiring, and we are

busy people just like everyone else. So it’s good to give people an out rather than just swamping them, e.g. “I have

some questions about trans stuff, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to talk with me about it some time?”

 Outing. Sometimes it is great to have a friend/ally “out” us as trans, so we don’t have to do it. Sometimes it’s

disastrous. It’s a good idea to check in with your trans friends so that you know what they’d prefer in various

situations. Some things to take into account: Safety – will this put my friend at risk? Motive – why am I outing

this person? For their comfort? For my own comfort? For someone else’s comfort?

TRANSGENDER

ETIQUETTE