DQ Wk4

>> Tonya: Here's the deal. I'm a mom. I work. I have a lot going on in my life, and I think that I deserve an outlet to unwind. That's what wine is to me. However, my husband thinks that my way of unwinding is unhealthy, and so he finally threw down the ultimatum, you know, you need to get help, or I'm out, and he said he'd take my kids, and I thought OK. Nobody's taking my kids from me. So it's, like, whatever, fine. I'll go talk to somebody. So here we are. >> So what type of mother would you say you are? >> Tonya: I'm a good mom. I'm, you know, overwhelmed some days, and, you know, I work really hard, and get a lot going on, but, I mean, I'm a good mom. >> OK. What's the relationship like with your husband? >> Tonya: I mean, it's good most days when he's not trying to be overbearing and tell me I need to stop with my stuff, and, you know, be controlling, but, you know, he's a good guy. He's a good dad, and we've been together a long time, and I really care about him a lot. So we're good, we're good together. >> So how long have you been drinking? >> Tonya: I mean, you make it sound like I'm a drunk. I mean, how long do I been, [inaudible] - >> How long have you been drinking? >> Tonya: Since I turned 21 - >> And you are? >> Tonya: I'm 20, I'll be 29 next week - >> OK. >> Tonya: I mean, it's not like I drink, you know, to the point of passing out or anything usually. I mean, you make it sound like I'm heavy, hardcore drinker, but it's not the case at all - >> You appear to be quite defensive when I said that - >> Tonya: Well, I mean, it's just the words you choose. It just kind of hit me weird. I don't know [crosstalk] - >> What [inaudible] how would you have preferred it being phrased? >> Tonya: I don't know. I guess in that case it could have been how long has your husband thought it was probably, even though it's not, or, you know, something like that. >> I mean, we're talking about you. >> Tonya: OK. Alright. So. Yeah. >> OK. >> Tonya: Hurry up. I mean, - >> Have you had any legal difficulties as a result of your drinking? >> Tonya: No. That's something alcoholic deal with. I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I'm sure you drink socially. You know, have a glass of wine [inaudible] - >> But we're talking about you. We're not here to talk about me. >> Tonya: No. I have not had any legal problems - >> OK. Alright. So you're here because your husband feels like you have a problem, and I hear you saying that you disagree with that. >> Tonya: I do. >> Alright. So what brought you here? >> Tonya: Well, I told you. He said if I didn't go talk to somebody, he would go and take my boys with him, and that's not an OK option for me - >> So help me understand how he can take your boys if there's never been any real difficulties, that I heard you say you are a good mom. >> Tonya: Well, some days, I mean, some mornings are harder for me than others - >> Harder. >> Tonya: Maybe I had a glass or two too many the night before, and so getting going in the mornings is just hard some days. [inaudible] You know, it's, you know, getting everybody up and dressed and out the door, and we kind of run late. We kind of, you know, stumble through the morning. Not like I'm, you know, drunk the next morning or anything, but, you know, just not quite myself, and so it was just, that's happened, you know. I don't know, you know, maybe once every other week or so. So, I mean, I'm not the most, I guess, prompt person I guess maybe. I don't know. I'm not always on time, and sometimes I'm a little disorganized. Not due to anything except for my personality. I'm just kind of a scatterbrain some days. So I think he wants to use all of that against me as saying, you know, that I'm not a good mom because occasionally my kids are late to school or occasionally, you know, I forget this form or that form or, but, I mean, who doesn't. I've got a lot going on. So. >> What would you say your strengths are? >> Tonya: As far as? >> Whatever you want to share with me. >> Tonya: I'm friendly - >> Friendly. >> Tonya: I don't know. I'm fun - >> You're fun. >> Tonya: Yeah. People have a good time when they're with me. You know - >> Describe fun for me. >> Tonya: Just kind of silly, goofy, you know. I, it doesn't take much. It's not how I want to say it. It takes a lot for me to feel uncomfortable in a situation. So I like to make people laugh, and I like to, you know, be lively, and so I'm fun. People have a good time when they're around me. Like, you know, we laugh a lot, and we do things that maybe they wouldn't have otherwise tried because they were too afraid of what other people would think, and I don't really care what other people think because most situations I'm in are kind of transitory anyway. It's, like, you know, I'm in and out so much, what's it care? You know, what's it matter? So - >> OK. How about some, [crosstalk] how about some weaknesses? >> Tonya: A little scatterbrained, like I said before, but, I mean, that's just who I am. It's not ideal, and I try to be more organized, but whatever. And I've kind of got a quick temper. >> OK. OK. So I heard you say earlier, though, that, that you are scatterbrained, but then you have difficulty getting things together in the morning when you're trying to get the kids off to school. >> Tonya: Sometimes. Sometimes. >> And that that possibly is related to having too much to drink the night before? >> Tonya: Occasionally. I mean, - >> OK. >> Tonya: It's not like every day is, you know, a struggle because I was passed out drunk the night before [crosstalk] or anything like that. I mean, it's just that sometimes I like to have that extra glass or two extra after people go to bed, and, you know. >> Yeah. OK. Well, let me ask you this. I'm going to propose something to you because it sounds like there may be an issue with the use of alcohol in your life. I see you rolling your eyes but listen. You know, it sounds like it's affecting your everyday life, your relationship with your husband, you're not functioning as well as you were prior to drinking this much. I'd like to suggest that you find a 12-step meeting to - >> Tonya: [laughs] >> Why? >> Tonya: I'm sorry. It sounded for a second like you want me to go to AA. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Tonya: And standing up there and saying, "Hi, my name is Tonya, and I'm an alcoholic?" >> What's your description of an alcoholic? >> [sigh] Is it someone who can't control themselves or their drinks or their whatever, and I can control mine. I mean, maybe sometimes I have a little too much, but - >> Well, it sounds like there is a problem with control, or you wouldn't be here today, and your relationship would not have gotten to where it is right now, OK. What have you got to lose? [ Pause ] >> Tonya: I guess when you put it that way, I've got, I've got a lot to lose - >> Yeah. Yeah. You know - >> Tonya: One meeting? >> I'd try several meetings. Go around and try several. There's, they're all over the city. Different times of day, and they all have different personalities. I would like for you to try at least three meetings within the next week, OK. >> Tonya: Three meetings? How about we do two? >> No, three. Three. And then we can get together after you've done that, and let's see what you think about that. Alright. We can assess that. We can see, you know, where things are with your husband, how you're functioning, but I think it would be very important to, to give it a shot. Talk to other people, get some feedback. See what you think about it. >> Tonya: Whatever. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. >> OK. >> Tonya: Yeah. I'll give it a shot. >> I appreciate your willingness to do this because I wouldn't recommend it if I really didn't think it would be helpful to you. But from what you've shared with me, I feel like it, it, it might be just what you need. >> Tonya: Alright. I'll give it a shot.