Read story and do fiction critique. I post the story and what need to do and sample to be clear

Sample  Fiction  Critique  

              Critique  by:    Jamie  D.  

              Story  writer:    Hanley  F.  

 

Step  One:  

No  question  about  some  Wow  moments!    I  LOVED  when  you  wrote  about  how  your  coach  cut  you  from   the  team  right  in  front  of  everyone  else.    I  also  loved  the  scene  where  your  mom  took  him  on,  right  in   front  of  the  rest  of  the  team!    These  two  scenes  had  lots  of  detail  and  dialogue,  and  I  felt  like  I  was  right   there.    There  were  a  few  “What?”  moments  too.    I  was  pretty  confused  about  your  boyfriend’s  reaction,   and  never  did  get  that  figured  out.  And  I  was  also  confused  about  the  scene  in  the  grocery  store  where   the  woman  you  didn’t  know  stopped  to  talk  to  you.    I’ll  talk  more  about  those  below.    I  also  got   confused  at  several  points  because  of  missing  words  and  errors.  

Step  Two:  

You  were  concerned  about  the  following:  

1.    Did  I  have  enough  detail?    My  answer:    a  lot  of  the  time  you  TOLD,  not  showed.    I  know  that   your  book  will  be  longer  than  you  want  maybe  if  you  do  more  showing,  but  Dr.  B.  said  she’d   read  it  and  you  could  go  over.    So  why  not?    I  would  really  like  more  scenes  with  your  boyfriend   and  near  the  end  where  you  tell  us  what  you  got  out  of  all  this.    Show  us  how  you  coped   instead!      

2.   Did  you  like  my  character?    My  answer:    Sometimes.    Sometimes  I  couldn’t  really  get  a  handle  on   her/you.    You  have  said  a  lot  in  class  about  this  and  so  I  KNOW  you  are  really  thoughtful  and   kind  but  you  have  an  edge,  you  can  be  sarcastic,  you  know?    (NOT  to  be  mean—I  LIKE  sarcasm!)     But  you  are  a  character,  as  you  wrote,  so  you  have  to  let  other  readers  not  in  the  class  get  to   know  you.    Remember  how  readers  have  to  know  the  good  and  the  bad?    You  have  to  make   yourself  real.    Your  family  and  friends  and  this  class  all  love  you  even  if  you  are  flawed  cause  we   all  are!    So  I  didn’t  really  like  you  when  you  were  home  after  being  cut  and  were  so  mean  to   everyone,  because  you  didn’t  balance  that  out  with  more  showing  of  you  when  you  were   actually  processing  being  cut  and  coming  to  grips  with  it  and  being  nice.    I  feel  like  sometimes  I   didn’t  get  enough  about  you.  

3.   How  can  I  improve  my  sentence  structure?    My  answer:    that’s  hard  to  say!    But  it’s  like  when   I’m  reading  this  you  are  trying  to  make  sure  you  don’t  have  many  errors  so  you  have  a  lot  of   short  sentences.    It’s  true  that  sometimes  when  you  are  writing  longer  sentences  they  get   messed  up,  but  they  are  more  interesting!    So  I  made  that  sign  for  getting  rid  of  spaces  and   wrote  “combine”  between  many  of  your  sentences.    Also,  sometimes  I  don’t  think  it’s  the   sentences  but  the  words.    Many  are  really  short  and  simple  which  is  fine  because  you  want  us  to   understand  but  when  we  read  the  same  words  over  and  over  they  don’t  mean  much.    You  could   put  more  description  into  it,  like  when  you  write  about  hitting  the  ball  you  could  describe  what   that  felt  like  and  then  when  we  read  it  again,  we  will  think  about  that  description.    Just  a   suggestion.  

 

Step  Three:  

•   I  would  be  really  pulled  in  if  you  explained  more  about  the  coach  that  cut  you.    Also,  if  I  could   SEE  how  much  the  team  meant  to  you.    These  belong  early  on,  as  in  “pull  me  in.”    Also,  maybe   since  your  mom  plays  such  a  big  role,  you  could  show  us  more  about  the  two  of  you.  

•   You  go  very  quickly  to  being  cut,  and  then  it’s  a  long  slow  part  about  not  being  on  the  team  and   being  depressed  and  then  it’s  quick  again  at  the  end  when  you  decide  you  don’t  need  the  team.     I  think  you  could  start  at  the  place  where  you  are  waiting  to  hit  and  are  all  excited  and  get  us   excited.    Then  go  back  to  how  you  got  into  the  sport  a  bit  and  some  back  story  and  then  get  us   to  the  trigger,  which  is  when  you  did  two  stupid  things  (you  say  they  are  later):    do  some  drugs   and  say  mean  things  about  a  teammate  on  social  media.    The  climax  isn’t  where  you  are  cut— that’s  partway.    I  think  the  climax  (I  am  guessing!)  is  when  you  COULD  be  on  the  team  again  but   choose  not  to  be,  even  though  others  will  think  you  are  a  wimp  or  loser  for  not  rejoining.    You   have  to  be  a  different  person  then,  to  make  that  decision!      

•   As  I  note  above,  I  need  to  know  more  about  you  and  your  mom.    Your  boyfriend  plays  a  big  role   in  this,  too!    Why  is  he  not  so  interested  in  sports?    Why  is  he  not  judgmental?    Why  does  your   role  in  the  team  matter  so  much  to  your  mom?    What  is  your  history  together?    Does  everyone   love  this  coach?    What  about  the  girl  you  insulted?  

•   I  love  your  dialog!    It  sounds  very  real!    It’s  not  set  up  right,  but  if  you  look  at  the  sample,  you’ll   find  it  pretty  easy.    I  fixed  page  three  to  show  you.    I  love  how  you  use  slang,  sports  talk,  and   your  mom  sounds  older  than  you.    Great  job!  

•   You  start  out  in  third  person  omniscient.    That  lets  us  see  into  the  coach’s  thoughts  and  your   mom’s.    But  later,  we  don’t  know  what  they  feel  or  think.    So  maybe  you  really  want  to  either  do   third-­‐person  limited  and  stay  in  your  head  and  SHOW  us  what  they  do  so  that  we  can  see  how   they  think  or  use  dialogue  to  show  us,  or  you  need  to  get  us  back  into  their  heads?    I  don’t  think   you  switched  so  much  as  just  sort  of  went  to  telling.  

•   You  are  in  the  past.    You  stick  with  it  everywhere  but  need  to  go  to  the  farther  past  (past   perfect?    Not  sure!)  when  you  do  a  flashback.    Like,  instead  of  “I  told  her  that  she  was  a  fat   loser”  you  need  to  say,  “I’d  told  her  she  was  a  fat  loser”  so  we  know  that  was  farther  back.  

•   I  can’t  really  see  the  playing  field.  I  realize  that  they  are  all  pretty  much  the  same,  but  I  wasn’t   into  sports  so  you  could  tell  me  about  the  heat,  dust,  smells,  the  sounds,  everything  so  I  feel  it   like  you  did.    Also,  it  would  be  good  to  see  more  of  your  bedroom,  since  you  are  in  there   thinking.    I  liked  how  you  showed  us  your  town  as  you  were  walking  through  it!    I  come  from  a   REALLY  rural  area,  so  it  was  neat  to  see  all  the  shops  and  the  size  and  why  the  team  might   matter  differently.  

•   I  sort  of  wrote  about  voice  earlier.    I  think  we  don’t  hear  enough  of  your  voice  that  is  thoughtful   and  nice.    You  seemed  pretty  mean,  and  that’s  not  who  you  are  now.    I  think  we  need  to  hear   that  voice  coming  through.    Also,  your  voice  when  you  are  writing  about  your  boyfriend  seems  a   little  “gushy”  which  is  weird,  unless  we  get  to  know  more  about  YOU  and  him.    Then  it  might   make  sense.  

•   At  the  end,  you  simply  come  out  and  tell  us  you  changed  and  that  sports  isn’t  the  be-­‐all  end-­‐all   of  the  world.    I  would  rather  SEE  this  change.    Since  I  wasn’t  in  sports,  they’ve  never  been  the   heart  of  my  world,  but  for  you,  that’s  different,  so  when  you  just  tell  us,  it  sounds  more  like  you   either  just  wanted  to  wrap  it  up  fast  or  you  were  writing  a  more  academic  paper.      

•   Can  you  show  us  a  conversation  between  you  and  your  boyfriend?    What  does  his  face  look  like   as  you  are  talking?    Does  he  listen  or  does  he  do  stuff  while  you  talk  so  it  looks  like  he’s  not   listening?    When  you  are  talking,  are  you  waving  your  hands  around?    What  else  is  going  on?    

You  are  in  the  park:    who  else  is  there?    What  other  sounds  are  there?    Remember  to  use  the   senses,  like  we  talked  about  in  class.  

•   It  was  most  awkward  in  the  store  because  I  didn’t  know  why  the  woman  stopped  and  talked  to   you.    Was  she  a  friend  of  the  coach?    The  girl  you  insulted?    How  did  she  know  you?    You  don’t   tell  us  enough.    It  was  also  awkward  on  page  15,  where  you  writing  about  how  you  changed.     That  was  because  of  a  lot  of  errors,  and  I  marked  those  for  you!  

•   I  really  loved  all  the  action  of  your  mom  telling  off  the  coach  and  how  she  stuck  up  for  you!     Even  if  she  valued  sports  more  than  you,  eventually,  you  did  a  great  job  of  making  me  think   about  how  my  mom  shows  support  for  me!    You  were  also  really  successful  in  showing  us  how   in  a  small  town  lots  of  stuff  gets  around  fast.    I  already  knew  that  from  my  town,  but  other   readers  might  not  know  this!    You  were  very  successful  in  that  you  picked  something  surprising.     Usually,  (in  my  experience),  stories  about  sports  are  all  about  overcoming  a  challenge,  winning   the  big  trophy,  or  stuff  like  that,  and  here,  you  show  us  that  sometimes  sports  are  all  about   other  people  and  their  ideas  and  values.    Maybe  in  a  bigger  town,  you  could  have  done  other   stuff  to  gain  recognition.    People  get  forced  into  roles,  and  sports  are  big  roles  in  high  school.    So   I  liked  the  twist  in  your  story.  

Step  Four:  

I  just  really  wanted  to  say  that  I  was  glad  to  read  this!    I  honestly  didn’t  think  I’d  like  it  much,  because  I’m   not  interested  in  sports  very  much,  and  in  class  you  have  been  sort  of  quiet  about  how  you  are   developing  this.    It  was  a  great  surprise  and  made  me  think  about  developing  characters  and  theme   more  in  my  own  story.    Thanks  for  sharing  it!    I  hope  I  get  to  read  the  final  version!