Cultural Autobiography

Running Head: AUTOBIOGRAPHY & SELF-ASSESSMENT

Cultural Autobiography & Assessment SAMPLE Paper Hunter College

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Part I Personal Narrative

I am an able-bodied, cisgender, queer, middle class, Catholic, educated, Filipino

American woman. I grew up navigating American culture and our Filipino home culture and all

of these identities intersect and have been shaped over time. In reflecting on the various racial

identity models, my racial and ethnic identity development can be analyzed through both J.

Kim’s model of Asian American identity development as well as Sue and Sue’s Racial/Cultural

Identity Model. According to Kim’s model, I experienced the “ethnic awareness” phase during

my early childhood, where my own family members were my “significant role models” (Sue &

Sue, 2016, 375). In my home, we heard three languages, spent most of our free time with a large

Filipino American community, and visited the Philippines every other year. Growing up with

many Filipinos around me was very helpful in making me feel safe, despite going to school in a

county that was culturally white. It wasn’t until after my first trip to the Philippines when I

realized my parents had different passports than I did and that we passed through different lines

at Customs and Border Control, that I began to understand that my parents and I had different

nationalities. Going back and forth to the Philippines cultivated a deep love and fascination with

my parents’ country and I adopted it as another “home” in the world. This fascination would

later spur me to study the history and culture of the Philippines and gave me another perspective

with which to view the world.

My childhood was a mix of Sue’s first stage of conformity as well as the second phase of

dissonance. For the first few years of my life I subconsciously identified as a Filipino more than

as a American. My friends and I socialized in segregated groups at school -the students of color

built makeshift alliances while the Irish, Italian and white American students grouped together,

seemingly so much more at ease with their surroundings and with one another. In this

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environment of cultural dominance and separation, I developed a defiant pride in everything that

made me different while also stoking a desire to belong. During this portion of my life, I did not

experience strong racial self hatred and experienced dissonance in knowing that what white

society thought about my culture was not true.

Growing up in New York, I developed a “We are the World” attitude -I “respected”

everyone’s culture but underneath it all, I believed in false racial and ethnic hierarchies

stemming from anti-Black racism, which falls into the conformity stage of Sue & Sue’s model,

where “the individual shares similar dominant attitudes and beliefs...toward other marginalized

groups” (Sue & Sue, 2016, p. 381). This may be seemingly ironic for a woman of color, raised

by immigrant parents; but sadly, all too common. I experienced the impacts of “ethnic

monoculturism,” believing that white people set the standard for ways of behavior and beliefs

(Sue & Sue, 2016). As an Asian American, it is almost too easy to buy into racist tropes of

Black Americans and to believe that there is a hierarchy of race and that we Asian Americans are

close to the top and deserve to be there. We are seen as the “model minority” -a non-problematic

“other” that Whiteness idealizes, if only as an “other.”

It was not until I began to seriously study History in college –the roots of racism in this

country and the history of migration of different ethnic groups, that I was able to develop an

analysis around the ways my identity and all of our identities are shaped by the social forces

around us. College was where I began to develop a racial, ethnic, and politicized identity. I

moved between dissonance and the resistance and immersion phases. My education courses

helped me realize that “racism does exist,” whereas before, I denied it; especially being from

such a diverse state (Sue & Sue, 2016, p. 381). It was life changing to take an Asian American

Psychology course where I learned of all the hidden histories of Asian American people,

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especially histories that were rooted in oppression and pain. From there, learning about how the

“model minority” stereotype was created and proliferated helped me better understand racial

dynamics within and amongst different racial groups. My Asian American mentors and Black

Studies professors were integral in helping me connect these learnings to the foundations of anti-

Blackness in this country. Pulling apart the different layers of hierarchy and hegemony helped

me realize how people are impacted whether it is in their personal or professional lives or

through legislation.

While my race in the United States gives me relative privilege, colonization and

migration impacted generations of my family and contributed to how anti-black racism

contributed to our underlying beliefs that Whiteness was something to which we should aspire

and Blackness and anything along those lines was something to be disdained, avoided, and even

reviled. After learning these layers of history and becoming more active in communities of color

on campus, I quickly began to hate anything associated with whiteness, imperialism, and

colonization. Sue & Sue state the emotional hallmarks of this phase are “guilt, shame, and

anger” and this was very true for me (2016, p. 383). I avoided spending time with white people

and for the most part, distrusted them. I also distrusted Asian Americans who did not recognize

their privilege in the racial hierarchy and did not have historical knowledge and analysis that I

thought was deeply important.

It was actually at this time that I developed more internalized racism and self hatred. Part

of the reason I struggled with my own Asian American community was because of my

perceptions of the higher class, more conservative groups of Asian Americans who were

admitted into my elite college. The culture of Asian Americans at my school seemed to consist

of people who did not care as much about racial injustice or class issues. Those students that did

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experience racism and classism oftentimes were the minority, or they silenced these parts of

themselves or were invisible. This made me feel a lot of guilt and anger. I had opportunities

open to me and had positive assumptions made about me, especially academically, because I was

an Asian American woman but I was expected to play a role in racial hierarchy that contributes

to the challenges that other racial and ethnic groups faced. It was very difficult to develop a

“strong sense of identification with and commitment” to my group, even though I had acquired

enhanced information about my group (Sue & Sue, 2016, p. 384). I only had a small group of

Asian American friends who had the same political beliefs that I did. Because I had been

politicized primarily by Black peers and mentors, I idealized the Black community and my social

circle consisted of mostly people of color, with the majority of my closest friends being East

African immigrants, African Americans, and Caribbean Americans.

While all of this was happening internally, I also had opportunities to study abroad in the

Philippines and lead an immersion trip to the Bay Area which provided me with another lens and

experience through which to view my unique experiences. In the Philippines, I experienced

being “othered” in a country that I considered my own, which was important since I had the

privilege of an American passport and lifestyle. Studying the Philippines as a Filipino American

also helped me better understand hegemony in the Philippines and the ways that power and

privilege operated in the Philippines –a place that I had always idealized as a young person. I

learned that the Philippines was just as complex as the United States and that I would always

have complex feelings not only about both countries, but also about my membership and identity

within both cultures. It was powerful to be with other Filipinos who looked like me for two

months consecutively. I had never experienced this in the United States and this was only

further fueled when I briefly lived in Manila as an adult.

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When I led an immersion trip to the Bay Area in California, I was exposed to a

completely different history and set of Filipino Americans that were very different from the

Filipino American community I group up with in New York. Because San Francisco was one of

the first places Filipinos immigrated, there is a different history and culture that inform the

development of Filipino Americans there. While there are certainly elite Filipino Americans

there, there were also groups who were race and class conscious, who were doing community

work to improve the lives of poor and struggling Filipino Americans, and who were politically

active. Much of this was because of their own experiences with race and class and because of

their historical knowledge around the ways the first Filipinos were discriminated against. The

regional differences were stark but it helped me see other ways of being Filipino American.

Both of these experiences helped me better locate myself through recognition of how much

privilege I had because of my own parents’ education, employment opportunities, class in the

Philippines and my race.

With more experience as a teacher, community educator, and organizer, I moved through

the introspection and integrative awareness phases. There were many ways that the “rigidity” of

some progressive groups turned me off as Sue & Sue suggest, “in order to please the group, the

individual is asked to submerge individual autonomy and individual thought in favor of the

group good” (Sue & Sue, 2016, p. 385). The exclusivity of some of the organizing groups that I

took part in was not attractive to me. Additionally, as a woman of color in the organizing and

academic world, I saw the ways that patriarchal, misogynistic behaviors could be reproduced

even in spaces where male identified people claimed to be feminist allies. I’ve seen how

women’s voices are silenced and how women are consistently expected to do the heavy lifting

both professionally and in personal relationships. This conflicting behavior caused me to seek

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out people who were critical of both white supremacy as well as the ways communities of color

reproduce systems of oppression in their own work and this caused me to try to have more

nuanced views and discussions that reflected more intersectionality.

I did begin, as Sue & Sue suggest in the integrative awareness stage, to see myself “as an

autonomous individual who is unique” but who has membership in different human communities

(2016, p. 387). Gaining more life experience and observing behaviors and experiences of people

across cultures has been formative. While I do have “selective trust and liking for and from

members of the dominant group who seek to eliminate oppressive activities,” my anger towards

white people is not completely eradicated and I will write later about how this is a professional

development goal I would like to address (Sue & Sue, 2016, p. 387). Also, just because I have

spent fifteen years trying to unlearn the behaviors that go along with being born into a racist

society, I still act in ways that might be micro-aggressive towards other people of color.

Additionally, because I have spent so much time trying to learn about other groups, I tend to

make assumptions about people’s behaviors instead of being truly curious about the person who

is in front of me.

Though some parts of this journey have been difficult, I would not have changed it and I

would never wish to be in anyone else’s shoes, nor part of any other racial or ethnic group. I

have benefited from developing a better understanding of the many intertwined layers of who I

am as a person situated in history and feel that I can be a better therapist because of this. The

views I’ve had from the so-called margins of society have given me insight into how we are all

intertwined with one another, sometimes neatly, sometimes colliding violently.

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Part II Self-Assessment and Professional Development Plan

Taking this class has reminded me of how much anger I have when it comes to race,

especially when discussing whiteness, privilege, and oppression. Because I have dedicated so

much of my life to uplifting communities of color and have been fueled by the desire to achieve

more just communities, I was surprised to realize that when having basic discussions about

systems of oppression, my emotions are still very strong and I have to work very hard to control

them. In taking this course, I have been exposed to people at varying stages of racial and ethnic

identity development and this is the course in our program that forces us to talk about these

topics. I still struggle with assumptions about white people and privilege and it is difficult for

me to have generosity or grace for them when it seems they don’t understand or are comfortably

ignorant. Even if they mean well, it still feels unfair and that is where I get stuck.

At the same time, I noticed that when I come face to face with a white individual, in

group work for instance, I tried to assuage any potential discomfort caused by discussing race by

toning down the way that I speak, being less specific, or even acting somewhat disinterested in

topics that I feel very strongly about. This lack of authenticity, caused by my desire to mask and

protect others from my anger seems like it could be very problematic in general. Maybe in my

effort to protect myself from being hurt or from feeling anger, I find it easier to make

assumptions about the way someone is thinking in order to be more comfortable.

Another group that I sometimes have difficulty with are people of color who have not

been raised in the United States and who do not seem to completely understand the racial

hierarchy in the United States and the ways that it connects to colorism, imperialism, and anti-

Black racism globally. While I understand that they come from a completely different context, it

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is frustrating when people of color participate in anti-Blackness because of what they have seen,

heard, or experienced.

Although I still experience anger with regards to oppression, I have been surprised by my

experiences at my internship when I have been faced with patients’ patriarchal, anti-Black, or

anti-immigrant sentiments. I do not experience anger in my sessions with clients who express

these beliefs, but there are times when I will lecture clients or debate what I perceive to be their

oppressive beliefs. I do not do this with all patients that express these beliefs, but with those

where this does occur, in lecturing or disagreeing with the patient, I do not leave space for any

type of helpful development or dialogue and the words are lost on them and become a waste of

time in the already short time set aside for treatment. I have not yet worked with a white patient

and am curious about how I would react to them if they were to bring up racist or privileged

sentiments.

With regards to my multicultural and social justice counseling competencies, I would rate

my self awareness to be relatively high since I have spent a large part of my life reflecting on my

social identities, my social location, my privileges, and biases and continue to examine and

adjust my attitudes, beliefs, knowledge, skills, and regularly take action in this area. In terms of

client worldview, I would also rate myself fairly high since I have taken the time and still take

the time to ensure that I am growing in understanding of clients’ attitudes and beliefs around

their cultural background and am constantly trying to increase my knowledge in this area. I

think that I can improve in building skills and taking action that can help me work with clients in

examining social location, cultural background, beliefs, and values.

Since I do feel so knowledgeable, I make the mistake of making assumptions about client

beliefs and values with regards to race and other social issues and really want to improve in

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being more curious. Even if I may be right, this does not allow the client to express their beliefs

and values with their own voice to me. This directly connects to the counseling relationship

where though I have knowledge and acknowledge all of the ways that worldviews may influence

a client, the value in therapy is for the client to speak, not for me, the therapist to make

assumptions about the client. This is one of the first goals that I would like to work on.

I think I also need to improve in potentially acknowledging my privilege in the room with

clients who are Black and Latino and who may associate Asianness with privilege or even with

whiteness. While I don’t think that all situations calls for this, there may be times where even

though I feel more aligned or comfortable with people of color, clients may not know this and

may have certain perceptions of my because of my race and ethnicity. This is something that I

am not often aware of because of my previous life experience and because of my own political

beliefs, but it is something that I cannot overlook within the counseling relationship since it may

have an impact, even if I don’t want it to.

Counseling and Advocacy Interventions are definitely areas where I would like to grow.

For me, the first step is to be more curious and to ask better questions instead of leaning on my

knowledge of history and social constructs to make assumptions about the client in front of me. I

would also like to work on developing my counselor voice when it comes to counseling people

with privilege as well as advocating in spaces that are predominantly white. Being able to find

my voice that holds less anger may give me more stamina to work in spaces where I do not feel it

is just or where I feel that multicultural issues are not addressed appropriately. I want to be able

to work with people with privilege without erasing or silencing myself, while still confronting

issues of privilege without anger, resentment, or accusation. I would like to learn more about

counseling interventions that help to address internalized privilege and marginalization that can

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help clients develop critical consciousness. Though I feel I have language for this in my

personal relationships, I am curious about the best ways to bring these issues into the counseling

relationship.

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References

Sue, W. S. & Sue, D. (2016). Counseling the Culturally Diverse: Theory and Practice,

7th Edition. New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons.

Ratts, M. J., Singh, A. A., Nassar-McMillan, S., Butler, S.K., & McCullough, J.R.

(2016). Multicultural and social justice counseling competencies: Guidelines for the counseling

profession. Multicultural Counseling and Development, 44, 28-48. DOI: 10.1002/jmcd.12035