Romantic relationship experience

Stage Model of Relational

Growth and Decay

(Knapp & Vangelisti) Dr. Beatty

Initiating

• First impressions • Opening tactics to start interaction • Small talk • Initial reactions (sizing up other as potential partner)

Experimenting

• Move small talk, some probing • Testing potential a bit more • Audition for future relationship

Intensifying

• Make willingness to escalate the relationship clear • Attempt to set up another meeting - Move to another location, or move to immediate hookup – “want to get out of here”

Integrating • Achieve a sense of coupling / we can talk about anything • Develop a sense of “we-ness” • Start to think and act as a unit

Example: finish each other’s sentences

• Tell stories as a couple • Begin to know what the other expects/enjoys/dislikes • Need to check in with the other • Assume you will see each other on the weekend • Turn down offers from others- “I’m seeing someone” • Staying over at night • High level of sexual activity • Makeup sex weakens minor conflicts • Gifts and flowers work as apologies

Bonding – Final Stage of Growth

• Some form of public commitment (Traditionally, Marriage, but could simply be moving in together)

• Usually involves a dramatic ritual or ceremony • Engagement ring typically bridges intensifying and bonding together

Differentiating

• Individuals feel overwhelmed by loss of identity • Psychological backlash due to bipolar forces - Autonomy vs. Connection

- Novelty vs. familiarity

- Closedness vs. openness (Julia T. Wood)

- Spontaneity vs. predictability

- Control vs. submission

- Change vs. stability (Schultz)

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• Increasing time with friends and family • Start to see some minor disagreements • Some of the other’s uniqueness begins to annoy • In response to complaints, partner says, “You knew I did this when you

married” to which other partner says, “I thought you would grow up.”

• The arousal is dwindling • Sexual activity dwindles – after 2 years of marriage, frequency decreases to

once every 15-20 days on average (less often with children)

• Gifts and flowers no longer work

Circumscribing

• Communication becomes restricted Example: Some topics are off limits

• One partner cuts off the other • Men typically withdraw, becoming unresponsive, focusing on television or

online or use anger to create distance

• When asked what’s wrong, women say “nothing” • Talking to others about relationship problem rather than with our partner • Collect evidence to assign blame • Talk to each other through children • Conflict becomes passive aggressive if not overly aggressive

Stagnation

• Relationship seems to be in limbo • Talking about it becomes “taboo” because we’re tired on the same old

arguments

• We think we know exactly how the conversation will go • Dinners are boring, nothing to say • Apprehension about initiating intimacy, afraid of rejection, seems awkward

Avoiding

• Go out of our way to avoid each other Example: sleep in separate bedrooms, work late, etc.

• Must do things with couples to fill in dead air space • Schedules keep partners apart

Termination

• Makes it clear, it’s over - Sudden death vs. passing away