modify essay

TO: The CEO and General Manager


FROM: Michael tian, 


SUBJECT: Progress Report in the OM Hiring New Employees

DATE: January 12, 2020

In this report, we are looking for two candidates to fill two positions as a clerk, must have a minimum of a high school diploma (or equivalent), we ranked them based on their education, previous working experience and how familiar with computer office software. We will immediately hire two people, put two people on the waiting list, and whom we will not be hired according to the OM’s requirement to rank them:

1. if the education is graduated from high school. 


2. if they have experience for bookstore and cafe 


3. if they work at least 2 years. 


4. if they are familiar with computers. 


Immediately offered jobs: Holmes, Mansfield

Reason:

1. Holmes’s resume organized well. 


2. Holmes had working experience as a bookstore clerk and sales clerk. 


3. Holmes has more than 15 years of working experience. 


4. Holmes degree is up to standard according to our company’s requirements. 


5. Holmes had an MA degree at the University of Charleston, and a BA degree at West 
Virginia State University. (She has a good education even more than the company 
requirements.) 


6. Mansfield graduated from University. 


7. Mansfield worked at University BookStore for 2 years that is good for OM 
requirement. 


8. Mansfield was a laborer in Mansfield Mowing & Gardening, so he knows how to 
stock the bookstore. 


May be hired at a future date: Street, Currey

Reason:

1. Street resume of Street is clearly. 


2. Street is an avid customer and volunteer for OM Bookstore. In this way, he must be 
familiar with the bookstore. (Street meet the company essential requirements, he can 
stock and ticket books and help customers find their needs and purchase them easily) 


3. Street has worked in Sam’s cafe for one year. He has the work experience that we 
need. 


4. The educational background of Street is poor. (That’s the main reason we want to hire 
him at a future date) 


5. Currey has experience working on OM bookstore for 2 years even if the only intern. 


6. Currey has a high school diploma. 


Will not be hired: Owens, Rodrigues

Reason:

1. Owens did not have any working experience as a bookstore clerk or office manager. 


2. Owens asked for a less-intense working environment and less take-home work, maybe 
he will not fit this job as a clerk. 


3. Owens used to be a professor at Four Corners Community College, so his wage will 
be higher than others. 


4. Owens is more looking like to find a part-time job instead of a stable one because he 
said he needs some regular income until his books start selling big. 


5. Rodrigues is a teacher even if he has a high education, he doesn’t have experience 
working for a bookstore and coffee shop. 


Holmes, Mansfield are based on OM’S reqirements should be hired immediately. We may be hired at a future date for Street, Currey due to the requirments. We should not be hired for Owens, Rodrigues because of the reqirement.

Weakness:

Weaknesses:

Your names in the FROM section should be capitalized. Also, since the final draft was meant to be from each member of the team, only one name should be listed in the FROM section.

Additional work is needed with the word choice. For example, "we are looking for a job" means that you are looking for a job. Instead, you should say something like "We are looking for two candidates to fill two positions as a clerk."

Also, you cannot immediately hire someone - you are only advising applicants, and your managers will make the decision.

Your four bullet points somewhat repeat the items mentioned in the introductory sentence. See where you can delete the repetition.

I would strongly recommend separating the candidates and listing the reasons separately for each candidate. Don't forget that because you are discussing multiple reasons, you need to use the word "reasons" instead of "reason".

If you look at the entire report, you can notice that you have too many bullet points which may be distracting for your readers. It becomes harder to distinguish what is important. Perhaps, you can have mini paragraphs for each candidate.

Finally, the concluding sentence should have a signal phrase or transition - showing that this is your conclusion.

You were supposed to highlight your individual ideas.